Input overloaded today.

You know what I need? I really need to get my life organized. I need to get my room organized. I need to clear my head with all the "to-dos" that I keep putting off...and off...and off. For no real reason other than that I'm just putting them off. Like those mittens I finally finished for my friend. The weekend before Christmas. Which are sitting on the opposite arm of the couch from where I'm sitting, just staring at me. Why don't I just get them in a box and ship them off? (Because it requires a trip to the post office. Same reason I haven't returned clothes I ordered online awhile back that don't fit right. Now I have to settle for credit at Chadwicks instead of getting the money back on my card. Not a big deal, really, but I still need to do it.) Or applying for the one grad school I'm considering going to. There are so many reasons I think I shouldn't even bother, because I don't know that I'd go even if I got in (definitely not a given), but I also know that if I don't, I'll wonder. Maybe not always, because who knows what'll happen if I do or if I don't. And I further know that I can't not do anything, feeling the way I've been feeling lately. I need something, but I don't know what - I do know that not doing anything won't fix anything, either. And applying isn't the same as committing. So I need to do it. (And right quick, too, because it's rather time-sensitive and I've been putting it off and off for two months now.)

I need a lot of change. But first I need the motivation to do it.

I need a plan.

I need a path.

I have neither.

And I wish God would give me one or both, already. Or even part of one. You'd think that by now he'd realize how completely dense I am about figuring out this stuff, and would give me some unmistakable sign. But apparently that's not going to happen, because it hasn't in 23 years, and I just feel so very lost and unsure and not terribly happy about the state of some things.

I just want something in my life to be figured out, even if just temporarily. I feel like I'm just spiraling and spinning and I have nothing to focus on to make it stop.

I also know that I wish I lived closer to the mountains. I wish I lived in Estes Park, and could be a trail guide or something. If I could do college over, one thing I would change is that I'd apply to work in a national park one summer. Or multiple summers. I think I would love it. I still think I'd like it, but it's not very practical or possible anymore.

Nothing I want seems practical or possible.

Ok, sorry. One of these days I'll have a more upbeat post, I promise. Well, I'll try, at least. I'm just going through something right now, and I don't know who or how I'll be when I emerge from whatever it is. Because I don't even know what it is. Midlife crisis? I guess it's a bit early for that.

I'm sorry for being so annoying lately, I really am. I know I'm just a big crybaby and my problems aren't even real or important and there are much greater tragedies and things to worry about in the world than the state of my pathetic life. I just need to work through this, and then hopefully I'll be a new and improved Susie.