Seven Quick Takes: Finally Hitting Publish Edition

(I start to write one of these every week. I never make it to #7, let alone the publish button.)

1. First, a backstory. When I first walked into my classroom to start moving things in there approximately 6 weeks ago, I noticed (almost immediately, because I have a radar) a largish black spider hanging out on the ceiling in one of the corners. But, as it was too high for me to reach, and we weren't quite moving in there yet, I let him be. Then, a week later when we did move in and he was still there, as in hadn't moved an inch, I figured he was either dead or I'd just take care of him later. Weeks passed. I thought he was dead because, literally, he didn't move for weeks. The corner where he lived was the direction I face most of the day, either while teaching or while sitting at my desk, so I could pretty much always see him. Well, yesterday morning, about an hour after I had gotten in, I was standing in front of the white board, and I happened to notice something up on the ceiling above my desk. And then I noticed our spider friend was no longer in his usual spot. And, indeed, he had gone on a little journey from the southeast corner to the northeast. Right above my head. Where I had been sitting earlier that morning. I nervously kept checking him the rest of the day, tentatively sitting at my desk, until after school when I enlisted the help of my roommate who's not necessarily quite as spider-nervous as I am. She took my broom and got him then squished him on the ground and confirmed what I had been suspecting all day, seeing him a bit better than I had the other five weeks we've been at the school. It was a black widow. A smaller one than the guy I saw when we were unpacking boxes from storage the weekend we moved into the school, and not quite as shiny black, but definitely had the red hourglass going on.

2. I WAS COHABITING WITH A BLACK WIDOW FOR FIVE WEEKS. And he was sitting over my head for EIGHT HOURS yesterday. I still get the heeby jeebies just thinking about it. Bleh. I mean, I've dealt with my fair share of spiders over the last few years, but black widows just are not at the top of my list of spiders with which I like to interact - even if that interaction is killing them (which, usually, is what it is with spiders). And especially not if that interaction is me benevolently allowing said spider to live in my classroom with me and my students for five weeks.

3. What a long week it's been. I joined a choir at church last week - they sing more traditional music (including the Latin Sanctus, which makes me happy), but they only sing one Saturday a month and one Sunday a month. I've been waffling about joining pretty much since I moved here (a lot of people involved with the school are also involved with the choir), but was hesitant. Anyway. I just bit the bullet and finally committed. So, anyway, that's one night a week for practice, and I also agreed to do a Christmas concert with some friends here, six of us (all women) singing some pretty Christmas music, to raise some funds for the school. And because we just started practicing this week, and we're doing the concert in like a month, we're practicing twice a week. So that's three nights of singing per week right now. And I am just. so. tired since I obviously still have grading and lesson planning and all that to do, too.

4. On the plus side, ...I left right after I wrote that and don't remember what the plus side is. The fact that it's Friday? The fact that Thanksgiving is under two weeks from now? (Except now it's Saturday afternoon. I'm not so good at sitting down and writing seven of these in a row, apparently.) But it's the weekend. And almost Thanksgiving. Which also means almost Christmas. And definitely almost Christmas music-and-movie time. So. That's exciting. And I just saw that The Piano Guys, who put out a Christmas album this year, have four exclusive tracks on a version being sold only at Target, and two of them happen to be songs I love, and I had been thinking about maybe buying that CD someday, AND I still have some of a Target gift card I got for my birthday, so I think I'll be purchasing that CD now. Wheeeee.

5. Though, it being almost Thanksgiving means I really need to get a move on with several knitting projects I have on the docket. One of which is nerve-wracking and needs to be done very soon, the rest of which I'm hoping to do by Christmas-ish (including knitting little mini stockings for each of my students to give them for Christmas. My 5th grade teacher crocheted cute mini Christmas stockings for each of us that year, and stuffed them with candy, and then our dog got hold of mine and ate the candy and chewed a hole in the stocking. When I told my teacher about it, she crocheted me another one. I was more upset at the loss of the candy, though, but I didn't get replacement candy. I still have both of those stockings hanging in my room, though). But, thankfully, I think I might have more knitting time this week since I've got a good handle on lesson planning, etc, so that's good.

6. I've spent more money on tea in the last four months than I have in pretty much my whole life up to that point. It's weird. I never used to be a tea person, and then I found a few that I liked well enough, and then expanded some, and now I've got like eight boxes and drink at least two cups per day (often more). It's so good. I got a new (to me) flavor last week, acai blueberry pomegranate green tea. Yum. On the other hand, though, I have lost my high caffeine tolerance that I carefully built up and honed over the last decade or so of coffee loving. I definitely don't think I'd be able to have coffee at night and get to sleep at a time I need to anymore, sadly. I used to be able to do that. Oh, those were the days. I mean, it's probably healthier, blah blah blah, but still. I miss my coffee a lot of the time during the week. But...I really like tea, too. And tea takes a lot less effort to make in the morning.

7. I've been wanting to watch The West Wing for a while now, for some reason (I caught episodes here and there when it was on, and I remember really liking the intro music - and music is the way to my heart when it comes to movies and TV shows), and I finally found the first season at the library last week. And the second. I know it's all liberal-y (I mean, they're all portraying Democrats, so it's not like that's a surprise), but I really like the stories and the characters. I don't pay much attention to the politics, really (which is, incidentally, not unlike how I deal with politics in real life either). I don't know, that aspect might get more annoying as the show goes on; I'm only in the second season. It's just an entertaining show. Also, the President is an ND grad (I think...or he just really likes ND). And he is also portrayed by a man who spoke at my graduation, and who is pro-ND in real life. So that's fun. Though, a (semi)Catholic Democrat - so cliche. But. I like it. Haha - I'm sitting here watching it right now, and there was just a scene in which the president said "Michigan sucks" twice. Perfect. Oh goodness. That made my night.

Seven Quick Takes: Have I really not written in two months? edition

1) This is the first weekend all month that I haven't had anything to do. (Well, the first weekend of October I went home to the Springs since we had the following Monday and Tuesday off, but I was on the first few days of a cold and going home means 9ish hours of driving.) I've had work stuff both of the last two weekends. So what am I doing with all my free time? I really want to take a drive to somewhere pretty, but a) my roommates are both gone this weekend and sometimes I just get sick of seeing beauty all by my lonesome, and 2) gas ain't free, and I haven't been very good money-wise this month. (Mostly because I ate out a couple of times, which is both not cheap and not healthy.) Instead, I'm dogsitting a friend's dog, since she's got stuff all weekend and feels guilty about leaving her dog alone so often, and I decided to do a LOTR marathon, and I'm planning on making chili - probably tomorrow, though - and maybe some pumpkin bread, and I'm going to wash the kitchen floor and do laundry. I might even clean up my room, which has papers and teaching things strewn all about and makes me twitchy sometimes.

Point is, I know how to party it up.

2) Last night I watched My Big Fat Greek Wedding, which I haven't seen in a couple of years. I had almost forgotten what a delightful movie it is. Also, sort of gives me hope - if she can find someone when she's 30, maybe there's still hope for me. haha.

3) We had parent-teacher conferences this past Thursday and Friday. My first ever. Overall went well, but I sort of feel like a terrible teacher for a couple of things I should have been doing/should have known to do/haven't been doing. Etc. But, it's a new start, and I'm feeling more confident about things (maybe), and we'll see.

4) Have I mentioned how much more I work now? (No, I haven't, since the last time I wrote a published post was before the school year had officially started.) But seriously. I mean, there's the full school day, but then there's the planning time which, for some subjects, is considerable, especially when I have to do a lot of supplementing for the somewhat-inadequate book we have for certain subjects. And there's finding things for the more advanced students to do. And grading. And extra things. It's...a lot. I knew it would be, but I guess I didn't think it'd be this much. In other words: I miss knitting for hours at night.

5) Speaking of. I have so many friends who are having babies soonish, and I love baby blankets, and I just want to knit them all! But, see above re: no time. It's sad. But I'll have a couple of breaks coming up where hopefully I won't have to do a ton of work work and can do some good knitting time. Ideally. We shall see how things actually shape up (because planning is never, ever done). I also want to do some big person blankets. One of my friends requested a blanket that she had seen me knitting for another friend last year, and fell in love with it, and wants me to make one for her (and, first time ever, she's going to pay for the yarn and even offered to pay above that. I feel weird charging for time, though, since it's like charging someone to let you play cards, or watch movies, or go hiking, or some other hobby that you love to do and willingly spend hours doing for free). And as I love the pattern, I really want to be able to do that for her, but sigh. Sigh sigh sigh.

6) Notre Dame is playing at Air Force today. Oh, how I wanted to be able to go - and it would have worked out so well, too, because we had a half-day yesterday due to conferences, and I only had two yesterday right after school. So I could have left and been home before dark last night, which is my goal, not to make the drive in the dark (I love driving, but driving a) by myself, b) on not-populated (and not lighted) highways, c) at night, is not my formula for fun. I can deal with a and b together, but throw the last one in there and I'm not a fan). But, alas, the cheapest tickets through AFA were $70, and that's just way out of my budget. Sadly. My team is in my town! And I am not. :(

7) One month until I can go home for Thanksgiving. (Thank goodness we get Wednesday off, too, or else I'd be making the drive almost entirely in the dark, or else wouldn't be getting home until mid-day on Thanksgiving.) And, even better, under two months until I can go home for Christmas for two whole weeks! So, in celebration, I'm going to go keep watching some LOTR, and knitting (because...I can't help it), though I really should get to some grading and such first so I'm not stuck doing it all tomorrow, and pop over to the store to get things to make things like chili and pumpkin bread. Amen, the end, hallelujah.

7.2) One other thing I wanted to mention: I've been giving up coffee during the week since around when school started, for a specific purpose. (Initially it was going to be entirely, but...I'm weak.) Subsequently, I've been drinking a LOT of tea. One cup of black, caffeinated coffee in the morning before work, and then a travel mug full of tea (sometimes caffeinated/black, sometimes less caffeinated green, a couple of weeks ago when I had a cold and then lingering cough it was more often peppermint). Point is, a lot of tea. And either I don't remember, or I'm actually correct, but I think my headache frequency has been greatly reduced since switching to tea. I'm less dependent on caffeine, for one thing, and I'm drinking more water (well, sort of - I guess coffee probably has about the same amount of water, but I put milk in it, and I think when I drink tea I drink more of it than I do coffee. Either way, it just feels like I'm drinking more water. Healthier water). But, again, it could just be a coincidence. If it means less frequent headaches, though, I happen to think that's a wonderful thing. The end.

Seven Quick Takes: Just Moved Edition

1. I moved. As with most change, I'm failing pretty epically as I try to settle in.

2. I'm completely overwhelmed by my new job. And I haven't even officially started yet. But already feeling a lot in over my head. (See above re: failing at change.)

3. Excluding a 60 or 70 mile round trip to Ouray the first day after I got here, I have used less than a quarter tank of gas in 9 days of being here and driving somewhere almost every day. (Considering everything is pretty much within 5 or 6 miles, this isn't that impressive, but the overall situation is such that my wallet's a bit happier. Except now I'm spending money on teachery things, so...yeah.)

4. I have yet to kill (aka, see) a single spider in my shower - or even my bathroom. (Knock on wood.) I have killed one or two jumping spiders in my bedroom, and one or two little spiders elsewhere in the house. But overall, it's a vast improvement over other places I've lived. (Though I'm entirely aware that a week isn't a good sample size.)

5. It's quite a bit less light pollutiony out here (especially compared to Denver) since, you know, there are approximately 372 people in a 50 mile radius, and the first weekend I was here - aka last weekend - was the weekend of the Perseid meteor shower. I'm a sucker for meteor showers/stargazing, so on Saturday night my roommate and I climbed out onto the roof outside her bedroom and watched the sky. It would have been better to have driven a few miles out of town and laid out on a blanket or something (half the sky was blocked by our house, and there's a bright streetlight in front of our neighbors' house), but even still I saw a satisfying number of shooting stars. Enough to make me happy. Some that were quick, and a few that were the bigger, slow-moving, brighter stars that leave quite a trail behind them. I rated the whole experience acceptable.

6. I've also seen a few lovely sunsets. They're different here - the "real" mountains are to the south of us, and there are smaller ones closer to us that are to the east, so sunsets here don't have the same mountain effect they do on the front range. But they're pretty.

7. I need to figure out how to, you know, be a teacher first, but I really hope I can implement something like this somewhere along the way. Related: this, this, and this. (Bonus on the last one: an awesome picture of little girls knitting. Also, the lady toward the end of that article who says "These proposals will result in some fabulous knitwear but, sadly, fewer world-class engineers and innovators" obviously knows nothing about knitting. Or knitters. Or engineers or innovators. I mean, seriously.)

8. (because I'm a rebel) - I just read today that the dictionary people have decided to add a definition for "literally" that means, basically, not literally. You know, how people like to use it these days. It literally kills me.

For the record, I also like pina coladas

I have yet to get to a point where I really enjoy being single, where I'm content with it and happy with it as a semi-permanent status. Maybe that's my problem and I do need to get to that point, but it's hard to be happy and content with something that you know isn't ultimately what or where you're supposed to be. That said, though, my dislike of it as a state of being waxes and wanes - sometimes it's worse than others, sometimes it bothers me less than others. Today, lately, it's been one of the tougher times (both mitigated and made worse by the upcoming job/location change in my life). And as seems to happen, when I'm having a harder time with it and am feeling my singleness more acutely, there's a lot more reminders that seem to rub my nose in the fact that I'm not not single. Which one is cause and which is effect is up for debate, but either way unfortunately these reminders tend to come in the form of really happy things, really good things, things that should make my heart sing with joy for my friends and loved ones, fellow parishioners, random people I don't know but my friends do, many, many former classmates, etc. Instead, I have to battle myself to keep from falling into despair when I just want to be happy for other people without feeling sad for myself (especially when I feel like I'm on this roller coaster ride that started out with a lot of people but there's been a mass exodus and there are just a few of us left, and I don't even like roller coasters so I've been wanting to leave for a long time).

(As an aside: I really hate complaining about being single. Which, considering how often I talk about it, might surprise you. It feels kind of pathetic to me, because I guess I just feel like it shouldn't be such a big thing in my life, but when all you've wanted your whole life was to be married and be a mother, and you're seeing all your friends and classmates and family one by one couple up until being single makes you sort of the anomaly, and you're having to find a career when you've never really wanted a "career" but a vocation, well, it makes it kind of difficult. And it isn't nothing, it is a cross, and a heavy one, that seems to get heavier by the day. But every time I think it might start to crush me, there Jesus is, lifting it himself again.) (And yes, I should have figured out the career thing sooner, but I studied what I wanted to for my own enjoyment and growth and deepening of faith, trusting that somehow it'd work out into something I wanted to do. And maybe now it has.) (And I also have to keep in mind that my path isn't anyone else's path, and their path isn't mine, and God has something specific for me that might not be what I expected but will ultimately turn out to be the best thing for me. So that's pretty cool too.)

Anyway, long introduction to my story of today. Mass was kind of difficult, as Mass sometimes is (sometimes there's no better place to go than Sunday Mass to feel extremely very single). Put me in kind of a melancholic funk, but not a depressive one. (There's a difference.) A few hours later, I took Nutmeg to Palmer Park. It had been overcast most of the day, foggy the whole morning and then just damp/drizzly. It cleared up a bit in the afternoon, and that's when I took Nutmeg. Well, while we were there, still on the first quarter of our walk, it started raining again, lightly at first and then a little more insistently. I considered turning around or finding a shortcut to the main trail that would make our walk much shorter, but then I decided to keep going. Nutmeg's not a huge fan of getting wet, but she loves Palmer Park, and I was pretty delighted by the magic of being in the trees during a nice soaking rain. Plus, this being Colorado and all, I knew it wasn't likely to last more than a few minutes. (Might have been 10-15 minutes total including drizzling on either end of the storm.) Unlike many rainstorms around here, this one wasn't accompanied by thunder or lightning (for the most part), so it was just so quiet. Just me, Nutmeg, and the sound of rain falling through the trees and on the rocks. Most of the rain fell on us while we were walking through the more forested part of our walk, and there was something utterly magical about it. I've been to Palmer Park in the fog, in the snow, in the freezing cold, in the sun, in the heat. I don't think I've ever been there in the middle of a prolonged rain, though. After a rain, before a rain, during a bit of drizzle, sure. This...this was something else.

I'm a firm believer that everyone should try to get caught in the rain once in awhile. There's just something about it - you just have to give up and let it happen. (I suppose you could be prepared with a raincoat, or an umbrella, or something, but what's the fun in that?) It makes you feel like a little kid again! And today, it gave me a great distraction and sort of reset my brain. I need to remember to be thankful for these little gifts from God. Feeling like the only person in the world for those few minutes, enjoying the incredible beauty of this world God made just for me. (and, you know, everyone else.) It was one of my favorite Palmer Park experiences to date, which, as that's one of my favorite places, is saying something.

I just love the way everything comes so alive when it rains. It's such an experience to be out in the middle of it as it's happening, rather than watching from a window or being out in it after the fact. Everything gets somehow deeper, fuller, even brighter, somehow. Greens become more green. Browns become browner. Reds become richer. And all in their own different ways - different tree trunks become their own deeper browns. Each green plant becomes more of its own fresh green. Every rock becomes more...rocky red/brown/tan/yellow. Everything smells its very best. It's like the whole of nature takes a great sigh of relief and delights in who and what God made them all to be, down to their very roots, and puts on a show to express their gratitude for God and the rain he provides. Thus was born my theory that rain is very Eucharistic (because I'm sure no one else has ever thought of this since my thoughts are so original). The plants need the rain like we need Jesus - He offers Himself to be freely consumed by us, taken into our bodies to our roots, so to speak, sustaining us like nothing else does. Without Him, we dry up, we become so much less of what we are meant to be. With Him, we become fresher, deeper, more beautifully fragrant, more visible. I've been too dry this summer, not going to Mass as frequently as I should - every Sunday just isn't enough. Life's too much of a desert for me to cover myself up from the rain when it comes. Nothing I'm doing at work is more important than making sure I take that half hour to go dance in the rain when it's offered. In a few weeks, it might not be as easy for me to go as frequently as I need (but I'm also hoping that other things will help fill the void. Such as having a life-giving job that I actually enjoy), so I should be doing a better job of taking it in now while I know I can.

Because, really, Mass isn't about going to Mass to be with other people. It's about going to Mass to be with Jesus, with other people or not. It's about communion with each other, yes, but we're not there for that purpose - we're there for Jesus. So it's silly to let myself get sad about being there alone. I'm not there for me, or for my comfort, or for anything like that. I'm there for Jesus, for what he did for me, for what he offers me. It's him who sustains me, not any earthly relationship. Those are important, of course, but my life would still have meaning, I would still have meaning, if all those were taken away and it was just me and Jesus. And if I can't get that through my thick head, I probably am not in the right place to be with someone else anyway. Ultimately, it's all about Jesus. The rest is just gravy. Or an extra helping of rain.

Anyway, silly little analogy there, but it made me content and a little bit delighted today, and I needed the reminder. Point is, if ever you're out in nature and a summer rainstorm pops up, maybe don't run from it right away. It might be a little muddy, but it'll also be charmingly serene.

(This is where I would insert one of the few pictures I took on my crappy non-smartphone, since I always manage not to have my camera when I really want to take a picture, but alas, it's not letting me send them to my email at the moment. But trust me. It was beautiful.)

Seven Quick Takes: July's Almost Over! edition

(Disclaimer: This post has almost nothing to do with the fact that July's almost over.)

1. I had a rather disturbing experience on my way to work one morning this week. Just after I had merged onto 70 from 470, I saw that there was a buck hopping around the median, apparently having just managed to cross the eastbound side of the highway without incident. When I first saw him I thought he was going to run across just in time for me to hit him, so I slowed a bit so as to be ready just in case. But instead he kind of kept going back and forth, obviously very nervous and skittish, terrified of the cars whizzing past. He had turned back toward the east bound side as I was going to pass him, so I sped up again in case he decided to try to cross the westbound side right as I was passing him. After I passed, he kept hopping around the median, and I just felt so sad and scared for him. But then I saw him make a run for it, and he managed to cross all four lanes there without incident. I would have been so upset if he had been hit (though, obviously, probably less so than the person who hit him would have been). I hate seeing dead deer after they've been hit so I can't imagine how badly I'd react to seeing the moment of death. That's something I really hate about our modern fast cars, highways, and big cities - so many animals getting killed. I know they're just animals, and it is what it is, but it still makes me really sad. Every time I see roadkill, even just a squirrel. (One time I saw a dog. Maybe twice, actually. THAT'S an awful sight.) We come in with our cars and roads, taking over their habitats, separating fields where they used to roam freely. Eh, I know the world wasn't made for the animals and all that, but we are supposed to be good stewards. And not that roads and cars mean we're not good stewards, and things die all the time, and I swear I'm not a hippie or an animal-lover-people-hater or anything like that. It just makes me sad for the animals sometimes. The end.

2. Remember last week how I mentioned that Scottish pastor I randomly found on the radio earlier that week? Well, they have up online the whole series he did on the book of Ruth (which he finished this week), and during work this week I listened to all 10 or 12 20-minute episodes (since I usually drive out of range while it's actually on the radio in the morning, so I don't get to hear the whole thing in the car). It was really good, especially what he said about marriage and whatnot. Some very, very good points, logical, true, no beating around the bush. He's got some very sound things to say, and it was enjoyable to listen to. But the other day I was curious, and I looked up his name + Catholicism, just to see, and it turns out he's pretty anti-Catholic. And, you know, that's just...disappointing. And it's not just that he has issues with certain things the Church teaches (I mean, as a non-Catholic, obviously that would be the case). He flat, outright thinks salvation is not possible within Catholicism. He disagrees with it to the extent that he wouldn't even sign the Manhattan Declaration (a document basically saying what marriage is and why it's important for everyone to understand what marriage is. Not religion-specific. Nothing out of the ordinary, if you believe in traditional marriage). He wrote a blog post at the time saying that while he agreed with everything in the document, he couldn't in good conscience sign something alongside those with whom he has such theological issues (specifically mentioning Roman Catholics, but also Eastern Orthodox and something else that escapes me at the moment). It's just...man, why? I don't get the anti-Catholic vein in some Christian religions. I mean, I guess I do, and obviously there are Catholics who do the same kind of thing, but still. It's not like I can't listen to this guy anymore - he's certainly very smart, and has his Biblical teaching down, and who doesn't love listening to that Scottish accent? But I just don't see how a fellow Christian can be so antagonistic against other Christians like that. Though, maybe he doesn't consider Catholics to be Christians. It's just...I just...I don't get it. He seems very smart, very well-versed, but verrrrrrry Sola Scriptura (which is, interesting, not at all mentioned in the Bible). Sigh. I guess that's just the way it goes sometimes.

3. Have you ever had a dream, a really good dream with something just really good in it, and then you wake up and get so disappointed when you realize, "Oh, it was just a dream." Not even necessarily something huge, like winning the lottery, but just something ordinary and wonderful. When I was seven or eight (just picking an age out of my hat, really), I had a dream in which I had a box of french fries. My family didn't get fast food very often when I was a kid, so having a box of french fries was a pretty cool thing. And then I woke up, and my hand (which had previously been holding the box of french fries) was suddenly and sadly empty. I was sad. Anyway. I had one of that kind of dream last night. Not quite french fries, but same idea. Point is, sometimes the lovely dreams are the cruelest, worst dreams.

4. Hey, if you're someone with someone special, don't take for granted having someone with whom you can hold hands. Unless, I guess, you're someone who doesn't like holding hands, in which case maybe you should change yourself because hand-holding is important.

5. It's so weird to think that in less than a month, I'll have been teaching for a week already. Still apprehensive about the next month (moving, transitioning, new people-ing), but excited to be there and settled and hopefully finding myself in a place where I can be happy for a while. Hard to give up things here, but looking forward to letting go and see what God gives me to grab onto there.

6. I enjoyed summer for the approximately 30 minutes I enjoy summer every year, but the few overcast, cooler days we've had the last couple of weeks have really made me start itching for fall again. Mmm I love fall. I love the way summer smells, but I love the way fall feels.

Also, football.

7. I have a pair of lounge pants that I bought when I first went to college, so they're now 10 years old. They have a huge hole in the knee and various smaller holes a few other places on either leg, and they're just very well-worn. I know I have to throw them out, but I just love them so much. Ever since I started realizing I was going to have to get rid of them eventually, I've been looking for a good replacement pair - it's hard to find lounge pants that are long enough (unlike jeans, it's not as common for lounge pants to come more than one length) and feel as good. My parents got me a pair of long pants for Christmas, and I do like them quite a bit, but they're just not quite the same. Nothing else will be. Sigh. They're just pants. But I do love them so. I guess everything comes to an end, eventually.

Knit of the week: finished the test knit I was doing! I'm thinking I need to knit myself multiple in different colors since it's awesome and will keep me warm in cold over air conditioned office buildings.

Seven Quick Takes: Pirate Scum Edition (aka, Late As Usual)

(If you don't get the title of this post, you should watch more Lord of the Rings. And even if you do, you should anyway, because Lord of the Rings is great.)

1. One of the days during my drive this week, I was flipping through the radio stations (why does every station go to commercial at the SAME TIME???), and was just scanning for any station my button would flip to. Eventually I was down in the lower numbers, which tend to mean classical and boring stations, and all of a sudden a Scottish voice was talking to me. I, of course, stopped, thinking 1) what a great accent, and 2) maybe it's a clip from Craig Ferguson last night since a lot of stations will play a funny joke from late-night. Well, it wasn't Craig Ferguson, and he was talking about the book of Ruth. Handsome Scottish voice giving a sermon on a great book of the Bible? Yes please. It was great. I caught a bit of his show the next day, too, but sadly drove out of range before it was over. I might just have to make that part of my morning commute routine. (Apparently he's Alastair Begg, which I found out by googling "scottish pastor christian radio." Sometimes I love google.)

2. This was a great article to read. It's about the Four Loves and making sure we have the correct hierarchy - hint: eros isn't at the top. "As we see how he loves us—as Lover, Father, Brother, and Friend—we learn how to better image him—as lovers, fathers, mothers, brothers, sisters, and friends. Likewise, the more we love him, the more his love begins to fuel our own. From him, we receive the supernatural grace to love as he loves." It's a message our culture really needs to hear, especially the culture that likes to see eros in every relationship (as she points out). Also reminded me of this article I read this week or last on the hypersexualization of everything.

Our culture needs a lot of work.

3. This article about introverts made me laugh because I may or may not identify. Thankfully we don't have teambuildy-type activities at my job, but we definitely don't have cubicles or any sort of separating apparati and I'm not a huge fan of our current set-up. But I also only have two more weeks there (and then I get to move on to a job where I'll be NEVER separated from other people, mostly. But it'll be different, I think. Though I'd be lying if I said that aspect wasn't even a bit of a concern for me...but annnnnyway). I think, though, that a lot of times people think I'm mad when I don't engage in their small talk. I just...don't. Sometimes I do. But sometimes it feels pointless, or I really have nothing to add so all I can say is "Oh." Oh well. That's just the way I operate sometimes. Some people operate on lots of small talk, and good for them. Just don't be annoyed when I don't jump in.

4. I discovered a new awesomeness to knitting: mobius knitting. Now, I've known about infinity scarves that purposely have a twist in them to make them mobi-etical, but typically you're supposed to try to avoid a twist during cast-on for those kinds of things (because, for instance, a mobius hat wouldn't really work...). But this is different than just adding a twist. On Sunday I volunteered to test knit a pattern for someone (test knitting! A thing! Pretty patterns for free, and my knitting actually feels useful!), and it requires doing a mobius cast-on and knitting like that for the first section. It's the coolest thing. Like I said, different than just adding a twist to a regular cast-on. Hard to describe a) to non-knitters, and b) without visual aids, but just take my word for it that it's awesome. Also further proof to my theory that part of the reason I love knitting so much is that it's so mathematical.

You can sort of see the mobiusness here - follow the left needle down counter-clockwise, and then the cable disappears behind the knitting and shows up again with the right needle. And unlike in regular knitting where doing one full round just adds one row, this one adds two between the two loops since the stitches are sort of split in half - half on the top part, half on the  bottom. See? It's awesome!

5. I had to find a picture for them to put on the website for the school (where I'll be working. As a teacher. !). It was surprisingly difficult. I make weird faces in a lot of pictures I take of myself, and most people I know don't take many pictures. Plus I had to super-over-analyze every potential picture, and it was just stressful. Oh well. I've made my choice, and my choice is made, and now that picture will be there up on that website. (PS: I'm so excited to be a teacher.)

6. Know what happened this week? Everyone who wasn't already got engaged. Or announced they were pregnant. Or announced what brand of baby they're having. Seriously. Ok, obviously not literally, but three different friends/relatives/acquaintances found out and announced whether they're having a boy or a girl; three different friends told me they're pregnant (one due at the end of December, two due within two days of each other at the end of January), and engagements. Well, it seems like with the age I am, there's a new engagement every week. But there were several more this week/last week, it seemed. (And one that's kinda a big deal, since it's my brother. Hey-o!) It was just...weird. But good! Just a lot.

7. As for me, I'm just always and forever loving this song. Lots this week.

(Hey, you know what's cool? I don't have to get a new license! Because I don't have to move out of Colorado! And yay Colorado is so pretty! When it was looking like I might have to leave the state to get a job, the thought struck me that I'd have to get a new license in a new state, and that made me sad. And then I didn't! And I was reminded about it tonight so I'm newly excited about that lack of change, because God is good and found me a good job in a tiny town like I've always wanted, doing something I've wanted to do for years, and who knows what good things might come from this. Woot.)

Mama said there'll be days like this

I haven't been keeping up with writing so far this month, because I have too much to say but not enough, you know? You probably don't, since that doesn't make any sense. In any case, here I am.

I'm in the midst of upheaval right now, but not quite as bad as that word maybe sounds. It always has such negative connotations for me. But the chapter of my life in Denver is rapidly closing - I no longer live there, I just have to drive there every day (every. day.) for work, though thankfully just four times a week instead of five. This means 10 hour workdays plus three hours of commuting which equals a generally tired Susie, but having Fridays off this whole month is quite nice. I'm back living with my parents until I up and re-pack ALL THE THINGS and drive over to the western slope in less than a month, where I'll then have to unpack, set up a classroom (!), try to figure out what the heck I'm doing, and then, um, start teaching. No biggie, right?

Anyway. For the most part I'm doing ok with all the changes, and dealing with the end of things and the unknowns of the new things. For the most part I try to stay pretty even-keeled, which means my general mode of operation is at a slightly lower level, happiness-wise, than some people might be. That way the happy things affect me more and hopefully the less-than-happy things I'm able to absorb a bit better. (I think this also tends to mean that I seem a lot more unhappy in general than I actually am. I just don't have the happy, bubbly gene that some girls possess.) But once in a while - particularly one day each month - everything just builds up to the point that I find myself sobbing in the car on while driving the dogs to the dog run part of Palmer Park, as happened today. Almost inexplicably, but not, because there are things to be overwhelmed about, there are things to be sad about, there are things I can cry about and not really wonder where it's coming from. The amount is usually what gets me - it's a slightly disproportionate amount to the situation, generally, but knowing that I'm a woman and sometimes these things happen like this, I can just let it happen and get on with my life.

Like today. I was sad because my mom left for three weeks in Steubenville, where she's taking a class for her master's. She's so close to getting it, which is awesome! For the program, she has to do two on-campus classes, and the rest she's been doing correspondence. For quite a while. It's really impressive how well she's stuck with it, and I'm really proud of her. This is the second on-campus class she's done; the last was two years ago when I was back here for the summer after having graduated from my own master's program. It's kind of funny when you think about the timing - last time I was in a state of upheaval the whole summer because I couldn't find a job (I got one at the very end of July that year), and this summer I'm in the process of leaving that job. Anyway. It's a great thing she's doing, and it's not like I've never gone three weeks without seeing her - and me being here this month is only because I'm in between living situations, moving next month and all. But it's still sad just because I really like her, and I'm a mama's girl at heart, and it was great being here and getting to see her every day for the last two weeks. But really, that was just a bonus, so I can't complain. Plus, I still have my dad here, and I kinda like him too, and I have Nutmeg. So it's not at all bad. It's just one of those things.

The other thing is the fact that living back in the Springs, even just temporarily, reminds me how much I really do love it here. I love being so close to most of my family, I love the places I've known for so many years, and despite the weirdness of this city and the constant development expanding it in ways I don't like, my heart is still just so happy here. Even after I took the job in Montrose, every time I would see a job posting for something in Denver I would be sad for a millisecond that I had found and accepted another job elsewhere - before I remembered that getting a job in Denver would mean that I'd still have to live in Denver. And that made me feel all claustrophobic and trapped and generally unhappy, even thinking about a hypothetical that didn't even exist. The very thought of staying there, even doing exactly what I'm going to be doing, makes me feel...tired. Soul-weary. Done. So. I think it's safe to say my time in Denver is over and closed, barring some unforeseen future circumstance. But living in the Springs? I'd love to be able to do that again. Long-term. Except for the fact that I'm hoping to be out in Montrose for longer than a year, assuming things work out. (I'm heading into uncharted waters here, people. I have no idea what to expect.) And maybe I'll fall in love with the town. It'd be nice to find something that wins my heart over more than anything or anyone in the Springs ever has. Every time I've tried something new - and this is nowhere near the first time I've tried something new - nothing's hooked me. Nothing's managed to find a way for me to want to stay. Maybe it's partly my fault, but I'm really hoping I can give myself over to this and fall in love with it and finally have a place to settle down.

I'm so tired of moving. I've mentioned it before, but it's such a drain. Including college, this is the fourth time I've moved to a new place where I don't know anyone. I think it's becoming harder for me to form connections with people because my heart's just tired of it. I know that sounds awful, but when you live nearby to literally zero of your closest friends, it becomes harder to let yourself get close to anyone, because you don't want to reach the inevitable point where you (or they) move away and it becomes yet another long-distance friendship to maintain. It takes a lot. Friendships are hard when you can't see each other even once a year. Not impossible, obviously, since I still have close relationships with people I rarely see. But it's hard. Moving around so much, always by myself, always being the new person in a new place, completely unknown, completely new, completely sure that I have no idea what I'm doing, makes me feel very vulnerable and unprotected, and call me crazy but I don't like feeling that way. My heart feels rubbed raw, I feel frayed, I feel just so...weary of it all.

I know, in my heart of hearts, that this move is a good thing for me. And if it's not, it doesn't have to be forever. But it's so hard. All these feelings are suddenly rushing in on me, or maybe I'm just letting them in (once you let in one, they all find a way to flood in, it seems). I'm so tired of being unknown. It takes a while to understand me, to get to know me. Heck, sometimes my family doesn't even get me, and they've known me for, you know, years (approximately 27 and three quarters, even). I think it takes a lot of effort really to get to know me, and a lot of people are already set and don't necessarily need or care to put in the work to get to know me. I'll once again be in a place with no one who really cares what my favorite movie is, or color, or flower, or smell, or song. I'm just really not looking forward to that. But at the same time, I am really excited. It's still there. Well, maybe "really excited" is overstating it a bit. That feeling is there, though. When I think about what I'll be doing, and how long it's been in the back of my mind to pursue, and the fact that I'll be in a small town (which I think will be really good for me), I do still feel the peace that's been there. I know it's right. It's just hard. But who said the right thing is easy? The devil, probably. It's a good chance to work on myself, to grow myself, to stretch myself, maybe to become not so reluctant to open up to new people, to be able to trust people more easily than I currently do.

I know this is a good move for me. I do know that. I'm just having one of those days. It was inevitable, and it's not surprising. I am just surprised at the strength of this all. (Actually, maybe I shouldn't be so surprised - I went to confession on Saturday, so the devil's probably mad that I've cleaned my soul and is trying to find a way to make me muddy it up again. He does that, you know. And I so often fall for it.) The worst time for anything for me is the time leading up to an event. I used to be so upset the night before I would be going on a retreat or vacation or something, feeling sure that it would turn out awful and a waste of time, and I just didn't want to go. And, inevitably, I'd go and have a fabulous time. This is the "night before a retreat" feeling. Once I get there and get settled, I know I'll feel better. I hate the anticipation, and the uncertainty. That's all this is. It's just coming out in unexpected feelings. Lots and lots of feelings. Exacerbated by things like my 10 hour workdays + three hours of commuting per day + worrying about my car, and the amount of gas I'm going through, which is forcing me to learn stick shift in hopes I can drive my parents' car for the next few weeks, which gets much better gas mileage than my jeep, but I really really stink at stick + dealing with finalizing move-out stuff from the house we were renting (ugh, what a headache it all is) + other things. I'll be ok. I just need to let myself feel (and boy, have I let myself feel today - which is actually now Monday, though the bulk of this was yesterday. So...my one day of feeling has turned into at least a couple).

On the plus side, knitting. I finished a really, really pretty shawl last week and finally washed and blocked it this weekend. It's so lovely if I do say so myself.

It was so much fun to wear today. I love it. And now I started something new (because, obviously), ignoring the partially finished cardigan I've been working on off and on for a year now, and the blanket I've been working on for a year and a half, and the baby blanket I started a month or so ago. And I've recently discovered a wonderful new world - test knitting! People put out calls for other people to test knit their designs. Really the only benefit for me is that I can possibly knit a pretty pattern that I'd otherwise have to pay for, but sometimes I guess you can get some other things for it too. I signed up for my first test knit yesterday, and I'm pretty excited about it. (Though, it has a deadline, so that'll be interesting to work around my current schedule and upcoming impending move. I think it's more than doable, though, especially with three day weekends.)

Anyway, I've made this post far too long by not posting it last night as I should have. But it's cathartic to write it out, and I needed some catharsis after crying in my car for the second day in a row. (PS - it's hard to drive when you're sobbing. In case you were curious.)

It's really ok. It really is.

See? Ahhhh. Deep breath. I've been hiking deprived lately, which is probably part of my problem. I need to try to remedy that.

Seven Quick Takes: Empty House Edition

1. I'm lying here in bed, my alarm set to go off in approximately 5.5 hours, and I'm starting this post. It's the last night I'll ever sleep here, in my cozy (if a bit spider- and beetle-infested) little mother-in-law apartment, the last night I'll sleep with a Golden address, the last night I'll be roommates with my roommates. Moving stinks. Change stinks (even when it's good change). Having an ever-growing list of former roommates stinks. (Except when I don't like them. Then I guess the "former" designation isn't so bad. Though, of all the roommates I've had in my life - a quick count tells me it's approximately 14, three of whom I lived with twice, and by twice I mean two years in a row, but since I've never lived in the same place for more than a year, they count as different living situations and each required a move. Anyway, back to the point, of those 14, there's only been one, maybe two that I don't really care about. I don't keep in touch with all of the others, but I'm still good friends with the majority. Which is nice, but hard.) It's just...I'm so done with transition. I really hope that this next one sticks for a while. I think, assuming the job works out and I don't turn out to be the world's worst teacher, I can at least stay in the house where I'll be moving for more than just one year. Boy, wouldn't that be a novelty. Including every year for college (which always required moving, since obviously I couldn't keep things in the dorm over the summer), this will be my 11th move in 9 years. Wait, is that right? Yeah, I think it is. Dang. It's tiring. It's draining. It's hard. Here's hoping for some stability!

2. Know what else has made the past week and a half super fun? Last Monday I got a flat tire driving home after having dinner with an out-of-town friend. It was 11:30pm, and I was driving on the highway. I pulled off into a gas station, and an hour later my tire was finally successfully changed thanks to some help. The next day I found out I'd have to get all new tires since the flat was irreparable, and they don't make that kind of tire anymore and something about a different tire would mess up the axle or something. So. That was fun. Then Saturday I got a hitch installed on my car, got a trailer, and moved most of my stuff down to my parents' with the help of my absolutely wonderful father. Then Tuesday evening I locked my keys in the car, something I've only done one other time. Thankfully we have a AAA type thing, so someone came to help unlock my car. It just required me standing outside my car for almost an hour, awkwardly waiting in my dress outside a bank that had closed just a few minutes after I locked my keys on my way in. I've done a lot of car-related waiting, is what I'm saying. And it's just added weird stress to an already stressful situation because, much as it's not really that stressful, moving is stressful. Saying good bye, preparing for a really big change next month, not really knowing what it'll all look like. It's stressful. It's good, but it's stressful. And cars stress me out in general since I'm so helpless and hopeless with them, so this week has been the week of Susie not being able to be her preferred independent self. I'm sure there's a lesson in that.

3. Much as I hate change and whatnot, I am looking forward to what's to come. I don't really get outwardly excited about it, but sometimes when I'm just sitting and thinking about the fact that I'm going to be a teacher, and what that might look like, I get really excited inside. I don't know if I'll be any good. I don't know if I'll be one of those strict teachers everyone hates (but maybe still manages to learn from). I don't know if I'll burn out in six months. But really, this is something I've wanted for a long time, and I'm excited it's finally happening. There are things about it that worry me, aside from the fact that I don't know what it'll look like, but...that's life, right? Nothing will ever be perfect here on earth, and there's always something to worry about. There are a lot of good potentials with this change - and not just the potential to meet a handsome rancher. ;)

4. Tonight's my last night here, instead of tomorrow (Friday) or Saturday night, because I have to go dogsit my own dog (who, really, is my dad's dog at this point. Well, he's the one to spoil her, anyway). I'm sort of torn about not being able to have one last night with my roommates, though one of them is also leaving tomorrow, but it'll just be a lot of packing tomorrow night anyway. My car's all loaded up with the stuff I didn't bring down last weekend, my room is empty, everything's been cleaned as well as I can get it. But I'm still torn. I could probably get my brother to watch my dog one more night, but I'm not sure there'd be much point in it. (Plus, right now I'm sleeping on an air mattress, which isn't something I'd recommend if you can avoid it. Unless you're camping. Then I do highly recommend. Bonus to using it when camping: I've discovered that in hot weather, as we have right now, an air mattress with the lightest of coverings is a lot more hot than a regular mattress with a blanket or two. Go figure.) Either way, I'll feel a twinge of guilt, and either way, I'll be sad and still have to say good bye.

5. Another new thing this week: I got new glasses. For the most part I only wear contacts, except at night, so the fact that my glasses were well over 5 years old wasn't that big of an issue. But they're definitely a lower prescription than the contacts I had, of which I'm on the last pair, and they're definitely lower than my newer set of contacts that I'm about to break into. So when I do on occasion wear them during the day, it's not great. It's not terrible, but it's not great. Well, since I'm leaving my job soon, I'll also be leaving my insurance I have through them. Since I get a certain amount for eye care per calendar year on that insurance, and I went to the eye doctor and got my new contacts at the end of last year, I figured I might as well use this year's portion to get a new pair of glasses. So, I did. I'm still getting used to them, and they're different than what I had before, and I'm not entirely sure that I love them, but I think they're at least ok. The lady who helped me pick them out said they looked cute on me, and she sees a lot of people and a lot of glasses so I hope she knows. Either way, it's nice to have a pair of glasses that's up-to-prescription.

6. Must finish tomorrow...so unbelievably tired...can't wait to sleep in a real bed again tomorrow, and a nice mattress at that!

7. It's now tomorrow, which is Friday, which is today. I made it through the long day being ridiculously tired all day (not enough sleep + several nights of bad sleep on an air mattress + packing up a room and doing all the great cleaning that goes along with a move + waking up early to finish packing the very last-minute things = lots of tired), drove home, was greeted by two happy dogs who are always the best welcoming committee, and took them for a walk that I decided to cut short when the clouds that had been threatening all evening suddenly decided to let loose their lightning. Just like that. Mostly just up in the clouds until shortly after I got back to the house, and then the wind picked up and the lightning increased and then hello downpour. Crazy downpour. Right after I had called to order a pizza for dinner (don't judge me), so I had to go drive in rather scary conditions to pick it up. Thankfully it wasn't far, but...it was scary. One of those times I'm grateful I have a bigger car because some of the cross streets were quite flooded. And let me tell you, it's slightly intimidating to be out when there's constant lightning going on around you, and it's rather uncomfortable to drive when it's raining so hard you can't see very far or very much or very well, but add the two together (and throw in some light hail), and boy. I'd almost rather drive in a blizzard. Well, it's a toss up, anyway. You know it's a good storm when the rain is so loud on your car that you can't hear the thunder that's accompanying all that lightning. I felt dumb that I was driving in that weather for a pizza. And I was worried because I left the pups at home (would have taken them along but I got soaked in the five steps from the covered porch to my car, and I didn't want to have to wrangle two dogs into the car in that, too). But, I made it there and back, and we (me and the dogs) got to enjoy some deliciousity.

So there you go.

NAS: What I love about the single life...

Back again for another round, hosted this week by Jen! This one is a tough one for me, especially right now, this week, in the midst of unsettling impending and upending life changes (even if they're really ultimately good life changes), and when I've had car thing after car thing to deal with in a very short span of time. But. What do I love about being single?

I'm really good at dismissing the normal reasons given for enjoying the single life: travel, spontaneity, freedom to splurge, etc. I'm not big on spontaneity, I can't afford to travel, and I can't afford to splurge (or do much else). If the opportunity arises, and the ability, sure, I have that freedom, and that's great. They are great things to enjoy about being single - if you actually get to take advantage of them. But in general I can't get too excited about these supposed pros of singlehood - check back with me in a few months and I'm hoping I'll be singing a different tune, once I'm semi-settled into my new life which I hope will allow me more and better opportunities than my current situation.

There is one thing I can undeniably be thankful for with regard to being unattached: the ability to go to Mass/adoration/confession easily and frequently. I wrote about this a few months ago. I was very delighted to find such a huge perk to being single, and I still am. (Not that anyone would, but please don't go thinking I'm all pious and holy and devout because my perk is Jesus - right now it's the only thing that I can list as a perk without some sort of caveat or qualifier or reason it's not actually really a perk.) I don't take advantage of this nearly as often as I should, but when I do, and when I think about it, I'm very grateful for it. Though, granted, this is more a perk of not being a mother than being single, but if I want to I can just go sit with Jesus for a while right after work instead of going home first, and I don't have to worry about someone else's supper schedule. It's a very, very good thing, and spending time with Jesus isn't a bad way to spend, well, life.

Being able to watch my crappy/kiddie/girlie movies without anyone else caring is also a plus. And, I was thinking about this just the other day for the first time, being able to love on my nephews without having kids of my own who would come first. I can't shower them with gifts, or anything, but when they're around and I'm around I can give them all my attention. That's pretty cool, too. (Even though their #1 choice is always baseball with Poppy, I can be around as a backup when he gets tired and they might be willing to settle for a game of Uno.) Also: I have brothers. I know that boys can make bathrooms messy. (So can girls, but it's easier to deal with one's own mess than someone else's, right?)

It's not all bad. Other than being able to spend lots of time with Jesus, I wouldn't say I really love any part about being single, but at least it does have some bright spots.

(Today might not have been the best day to be writing about what I love about being single, but such is life. Good days and bad days, God's still there.)

Not Alone Series: Prayer

Back for another round of the Not Alone Series. I missed last week's installment on discernment due to some distractions caused by a fire breaking out in my hometown, but that's ok because prayer and discernment are so intertwined.

I've always been Catholic, but I haven't always been good at prayer. Scratch that. I don't think I've ever been good at prayer. I struggle with setting aside the time, with not letting my mind wander, with figuring out what to say to God (other than the whining and complaining at which I'm so well-practiced). I struggle with quieting my mind and letting God take over rather than dictating the whole time.

Because of all this, I've always been a big fan of the rote prayers, prayers I don't have to come up with myself or figure out how to say what I want to say - if I can even remember what I want to say. Memorized, written prayers can't be the entirety of one's prayer life, obviously, but when you're struggling like I often do, they're such a big help. They get me in the mindset I need to have, they help focus me and keep my eye on the prize, so to speak. Of course, sometimes I have to make myself slow down and actually hear and think about what it is I'm praying, but it's still a lot better than my constant refrains of "Hey, God, when are you going to give me what I want?"

Reading the Bible more has also been a great way for me to enter into prayer - realizing that those words are God speaking to me. There is so much in there to take away and apply to my own life, if I let it. I'm not the first one who's had struggles. I'm not the first one who's had to wait. I'm not the first one who's felt blind, or who's stumbled and failed epically, or who's made bad decisions, or who's been confused. I'm part of a long line of humans, all of whom make mistakes and all of whom God loves madly and really illogically.

My prayer life made a huge leap just a few months ago. I started going to adoration regularly, thanks to a perpetual adoration chapel just a few miles from my house. It took me a while to make myself start going, but then suddenly I couldn't stop. It was a built-in hour of no distractions - I wasn't sitting next to a computer where I could have some random thought pop into my head that made me suddenly need to google something, I didn't have roommates around to chat with, I didn't have any of the comforts of my room to distract me. It's just me, and God, maybe my Bible, maybe a journal, maybe spiritual reading. And so much quiet. I love it. I started going when I was deep in a kind of dark, hopeless place, where I couldn't figure out why suddenly things seemed so desolate but where I knew that the only thing I could really cling to is God and his love for me, always and forever. God stripped me of a lot of comforts in order to draw myself closer to him.

We're still kind of in that place, he and I, him trying to show me that he's not letting go, me struggling to accept that I can't be self-sufficient and self-reliant if I think that means God's not going to take care of me and my needs. It's been a tough year, and it's going to keep being tough as I transition into a new job in a new town where I know no one (and won't have access to perpetual adoration, but at least there will be weekly adoration) and my financial situation might not improve significantly, which means all I can do is keep clinging to God and trust that he's got this. He knows where he's leading me, and he knows where he wants me to be. I just need to let him take me there, even if (even though) it's hard.

Prayer for me is sometimes very much a two steps forward, one step back process. I have a period of time where it's going really great, and I'm feeling so close to and connected with God, and then something happens to disrupt the routine or get me out of whack and then I lose it, and have to climb up the hill again. But the good news is, when there's distance between us and God, all we have to do is make that first step towards him and he rushes in the rest of the way to help us keep going. He never draws away from us, it's us who draw away from him. Even when I'm having those down times where it's a struggle to shut my mind from the rest of the world and try to be with God for even 15 minutes, all he wants is that effort. He'd rather us try and be kind of bad at it than not try at all. He'd rather us sit and rail at him for 20 minutes than treat him with indifference. He challenges us, and he wants us to face those challenges even when it's hard, but sometimes all we can do - all I can manage - is to sit there, and look at him in the Eucharist, and just ask "Why?" Sometimes I can't even manage to form a prayer, or much of a thought, but I can sit there in that chapel and feel his love for me. Even in the darkest, loneliest moments, he's there.

That's the most important thing I need to remember when I get down on myself about how bad I am at praying. God doesn't expect perfection. He doesn't expect us to write out eloquent prayers that will be recited and remembered hundreds of years from now (I'm pretty sure I could never write something as simple and beautiful as the St. Michael prayer, or the Memorare, so it's a good thing someone else already did!). He just wants us to let him love us - which admittedly is sometimes very painful. But it's oh, so beautiful, and so worth it.

Seven Quick Takes

1. For the second time in just under a year, there's a fire burning in my hometown community. Last year hurt a lot, and was awful. This year is awful in a different way. A lot more homes completely destroyed (last year was 349, I think, and as of this evening there are at least 419 destroyed this time around), so far the same number of lives lost, little to no warning (last year's started in public/government land, and had been going for several days before that awful afternoon when it blew unexpectedly into a neighborhood up against the mountains, but this year's started in the middle of land where people live and where there are thousands of houses, and while extra help was deployed a lot more quickly this time around, it had still done a lot of damage by that time), and I think everyone just can't believe this is happening again so soon after the last one. But, this is Colorado, we're in a drought, and this is what happens when people aren't careful with their fires (or cigarette butts, or whatever the case may be). This fire is especially awful because I personally know at least one family whose house was completely destroyed. I'm devastated for them. They were out of town at the time, too, so they weren't even able to save those priceless, irreplaceable items - and I'm sure they had quite a few of those. Not to mention all those memories, and all the hard work they've put into that home over the years. Pray for them, and for all of those going through the same thing. This fire broke out in the middle of the day and spread quickly, so lots of people who were working didn't even get a chance to go home. Even to get pets. :( I just hope God lets us get a break for the next few years.

2. If there is a sort of bright side, this fire was quickly escalated to a type 1 incident team (which, I learned from last year, basically means it's a bad situation), and the incident commander that was assigned to this fire is the same one we had last year. I really liked him last year, and it's nice having that bit of familiarity again this year. Though, obviously, I think everyone would have preferred not to have seen him again, great as he is. (And he does great work, too - he officially took over yesterday, after two days of negative progress, then yesterday afternoon they announced 5% containment, and this afternoon upped it to 30% after lots of help from the weather - not nearly as windy or hot today as it's been, and there was even some rain that wasn't quite expected!) He knows what he's doing, he doesn't beat around the bush, and he inspires a lot of confidence that this fire will be beaten.

3. This whole thing is a reminder that every place has its own version of natural disasters - we don't get hurricanes, we don't usually get a lot of flooding, we don't get a lot of tornadoes except out east, and even then it's not usually quite as bad as the ones you see in Oklahoma or Missouri or thereabouts. We get fires, though. A lot of them. On Tuesday, the same day that the Black Forest fire started, there were three or four other fires that started around the state. And this week there have been multiple small fires reported that thankfully have been taken care of pretty quickly. There's one still burning up at Rocky Mountain, but I think that one's not really too concerning and hasn't grown too big (and has at least a fair amount of containment), and the one down at the Royal Gorge is still burning but mostly only damaged the buildings around the bridge (as in, pretty much all of them, which is going to be hard for the economy in that area since it's a big money-maker) and is now up to 65% containment. But...it's only June 14. I really hope we start getting a lot of rain, and soon, because fires are just devastating. Maybe (fingers crossed) this will be the worst week of the summer, fire-starting-wise. Last year when the Waldo Canyon fire started there had been a couple of weeks with big-ish fires starting, and some of them were still going strong when that one started. Once we got over the worst of it, though, I don't remember a lot of other fires for the rest of the summer. There probably were at least a few, though, that just obviously didn't get the coverage.

4. Well. In completely other news. Remember the job to which I recently alluded? I'm going to go be a teacher at a small Catholic school in Montrose, CO. I've wanted to be a teacher off and on for years, but have always talked myself out of it for one reason or another. It looks like God might have wanted it, too, because the way this all came together was almost startlingly easy, especially when I kept facing rejection from other jobs where I was applying. I didn't just take this because it's the only offer I've gotten, though. I could have just moved back home for a little while, found something temporary, done some volunteering in the area I was wanting to move toward, and tried again in a few months. This position just felt...right. And I'm at peace with it, which is good. I have moments of little excitement bubbles pop up once in a while, and some moments of apprehension since it will all be so different, but mostly it's just peace. And I'm going to take that as a good sign.

5. I found a new type of cactus tonight. (Well, new to me. Obvs.) Apparently it's called a crimson hedgehog cactus, which is a pretty delightful name. Its flowers are such a rich, vibrant red, which is why I saw this thing in the first place. I saw it along a path I've walked thousands upon thousands of times, though tucked up on a hill a bit (near where I noticed for the first time last year a sort of cactus tree/bush-type-thing, which I think is a Staghorn Cholla cactus). I don't know how I've missed it all these years, although I have no idea how long it's been there, and I've only been in that park sporadically the last several years, and really have only been cactus-flower-obsessed for the last five or so years, so I easily could have missed when it bloomed and otherwise would never have noticed it. Point is, it's gorgeous, I'm in love, and cacti delight me. (To look at. Not to touch. Or have my poor pups step on.)

6. You might know that I'm a big fan of knitting. A couple of years ago, when I was getting more serious about knitting, I decided it was time to get a more serious set of knitting needles. I stumbled across a brand that got pretty good reviews, and they're pretty quality, so I bought a tester pair. They were great - but not cheap. Handmade, American-made. Small, family-owned business. Around the same time, I also got a set of interchangeable knitting needles with pretty much the full range a knitter needs (unless you're a fan of knitting either socks, which can sometimes require the smaller end than your average set goes, or afghans, which sometimes requires the larger end. I'm on the afghan side of things). They're great, and so nice to have. But...when you knit as much as I do, it's easy to justify having more than one set. (Sometimes I'm knitting something, and start something else that requires the same size needle!) Well, with my tax return one year I ordered a set, and love them. They're pretty, they're great to use, and I love them. The trouble is, this company offers needles in multiple colors. And...well...last year, again with my tax return (in hindsight, perhaps I should have foregone this purchase, but at the time I didn't quite realize...things), I ordered another set. And here's something else to note: sometimes, with handmade, small-company-made items, which become popular and lots of people want them, it can take a while for them to be made and sent to you. So here we are, almost exactly 15 months to the day I ordered them, and I finally just received a shipping notice today. Point is, I'm excited, and yay knitting needles. I don't have expensive taste with almost anything else, but when it comes to knitting, I just really like to have quality things. Yet another reason why I really should start trying to make money off of something I love to do.

7. I have to say, though it stinks that a tragedy like this fire (and last year's fire) is what causes it to come out in full force, it's so great seeing how giving the Colorado Springs community is. It's not exactly a small city, but everyone steps up in times like this. It's so inspiring. I can't imagine, for example, Denver being like this if something similar happened. Maybe parts of Denver, but that's the thing - "Denver" encompasses like 18 little "cities" and there's definitely not the sense of community that the Springs has, even though area-size-wise, Colorado Springs is pretty sprawling. Obviously, it's not at all small-town-feel, but it's a community that steps up when necessary. It's great. Part of the reason I hope I eventually do get to come back to the Springs to live long-term, unless of course I get to Montrose and fall in love. Either with it or with my Catholic rancher (who as yet doesn't exist...but...you never know...). But I'll always love the Springs, even with its faults.

Also, ps, I still am maintaining that 2013 cannot be done soon enough. A lot of really, really sad things have happened both to people I know and people I don't know. Obviously this is the case all the time, since we live on earth and not in heaven, but it just seems particularly condensed this year. Maybe it's just me; I don't know. And maybe things will just improve from here on out and 2013 will end on a great note somehow. I hope that's the case.

Not Alone Series: Introduction

I'm a little late in entering this lovely series, hosted by Morgan. I only just stumbled across it the other day, and it seems like such a wonderful idea! In a social circle that inevitably gets more and more filled with married people, it can sometimes seem a very lonely place for singles. I'm excited to get to know all the lovely ladies participating!

As for me, I'm 27, living in Colorado, and soon to be starting a new job in a new town that's approximately .6% the population of the metro area where I currently live, and a job that's completely different from what I've been doing the past couple of years. Talk about putting my faith and trust in God! It will be a good move for me, I think, though it is quite intimidating.

Other than that, I've lived in Colorado most of my life, spent six years elsewhere getting my BA and MTS, and hope to stay in Colorado for quite some time. I love the mountains, hiking, and being outside in general; I love snow and rain, and I love spring; I love elk and buffalo and my dog; I love knitting and watching movies.  I love my family - I have two brothers and a sister, and my sister is married and I have the two cutest nephews around.

Oh, and I've been single forever. It sure feels that way, anyway. I'm pretty sure that I'm called to marriage (more on that in the next installment!), but I'm also pretty sure God's asking me to keep waiting for a little while. He has some things still to teach me first. It's hard, especially right now (prime "wedding season"), and especially since the number of non-married friends I have is steadily dwindling, but God brings all things to good.

I'm really looking forward to participating in this great group!

(Now onto discernment!)

Oh, life. You are funny sometimes.

Last night, I watched Indiana Jones: Raiders of the Lost Ark. The only reason that's interesting is because, other than the fact that it's a great movie, I only have it on VHS. Taped from TV. In January 1991. The reason I know it's January 1991? The extremely 1991-ish commercials (including car commercials proudly announcing their 1991 models). Generally I hate commercials - I'm a big fan of the mute button when I watch TV. But my family has a plethora of movies taped-from-TV, since, hi, frugal parents with four kids. You do what you have to. Therefore, we have a good cache of awesome commercials taped from a time when commercials were awesome - and even had their own jingles. Remember when commercials had their own jingles, rather than just taking random songs and throwing them in, sometimes inexplicably since the song is not at all related to the product? Yeah. Good days. Anyway. It's always fun to watch those. It's one of the reasons I still keep my 13" tube tv - it's a tv/vcr combo because I'm cool like that. Though, I'm not sure how much longer the VCR is going to hold out.

I'm not quite ready to announce it officially, but I've finally listened to God and followed him where I think he wants me to be next year (or longer). And by next year I mean August, since I still calculate everything by school years. Being in school until you're almost 26, and then taking a job with an organization that works with colleges and thus also always has school years in mind will do that to a person. Anyhoo...yeah. This whole process has been very weird and slightly surreal and kind of like it's someone else. It's been almost oddly easy the whole way, and while I wouldn't say that I'm excited, per se, there's been a great deal of peace about the whole thing, which is a pretty good sign, I think. I've always told God that I'm really bad at deciding between options, and he knows that about me, so I've been asking him to make it clear by not giving me a lot of options between which to decide. (Which might also be part of the reason I'm always so incredibly single. God just wants me to have the one, and he just hasn't shown up yet.) Maybe that's not a great way to go about it, but this particular opportunity just makes sense and I really think I see God's working in the whole thing. At least, I hope so. It's scary, though, because it's a huge change from anything I've ever done or anywhere I've been. But sometimes a little scary is good. I just think this is right. (If I'm wrong, well, I guess I'll figure that out eventually.) And I think I'm going to get a bike. Once I can afford one...

I'm kind of bummed, because I was really hoping to get up to Estes Park again before I move at the end of this month. I was especially wanting to go this weekend because it's the annual Estes Park Wool Market, which is pretty much my idea of a perfect event - alpacas, llamas, knitting, and lots and lots of wool and people who love wool as much as I do. AND it's in my favorite town! But, alas, cost of gas and lack of people with free time are working against me this weekend (and next weekend I'll be in the Springs, and the weekend after that I'm moving most of my stuff down to my parents', and the weekend after that is our official move-out. So. Not looking likely for another Estes trip before I move. Alas. On the bright side, though, one of my roommates and I are going to go for a little hike somewhere slightly closer tomorrow, which will be nice. And cheaper. (Hiking is free, but gas is not, which stinks. And when I go hiking, I like going somewhere where the views aren't of Denver metro, but of peaks and valleys and non-civilization, which means driving a bit farther than down the road.)

I'm really excited to get a bike and bike places. And live in a place that's not very populated. Though, that will take a bit of getting used to... (Seriously. It'll be going from living in a metro place with something like 2.7mil to a town with 15,000. That is...a not-insignificant difference.)

I'm going to start running again. I mapped out a mile-long circle around my house and have every intention of doing it. I'm so out of shape, and I have some poundage that really needs to be not on me anymore. I'm sick of it. I'm moving back with my parents temporarily, so for at least a month or so I'll have the unignorable (hi, imaginary word) excuse of a dog to make me get out every day while I'm there. And that's better than nothing, at least. But I'm hoping I can get into a routine of waking up early - not at all one of my favorite things to do - and going before work, because lame and weird as it sounds, I hate taking lots of showers, and I dislike showering at night, and if I go for a run after work I'd have to take two showers. (Seriously. Lamest excuse in the history of excuses, but sometimes I don't want to go for a run almost solely because it'd mean having to take another shower. Sometimes I get over this, but sometimes...not so much.) But. The running need to happen. The exercising.

Anyway. Enough of my ramblings for one night.

Seven Pics Takes

As I alluded to in my last post, I took a little road trip this weekend. (By the way, I think I was made for road trips across non-populous America on two-lane highways. I assume doing it with someone else whom I really enjoy would be great, but I'm also pretty good at going it alone. Thankfully for the most part I enjoy my own company, though I do get on my nerves sometimes. But.) America really is beautiful. And Colorado? Well, hoo boy I love it. I've spent most of the 25 years we've lived here just experiencing the Front Range for the most part, with some excursions elsewhere, but all for the most part seeing the same or similar views. It's the Colorado I know, the Colorado I love, the Colorado with which I'm familiar. That said, Colorado has a whole heck of a lot to offer beyond the typical rocky mountain vistas.

1. Teeny, beautiful mountain towns.

Ok, this one's kind of cheating since it is pretty typically Colorado. But look at how pretty! 

2. Waterfalls!

 Lurvely.

3. Water!

I drove past a great deal more water than I would have expected. Though, I expect people who live in non-desert regions might laugh at my idea of "a great deal more." I did have to drive over two! bridges, though. That doesn't happen to me often.

4. Hills that aren't really typical Rocky Mountains.

It's not quite familiar, but it's beautiful and makes my heart happy. 

5. Old, disintegrating mines.

Again, this is pretty typical Colorado, but I just really, really love old mines. 

6. Open roads with nary a town in sight.

Such a better view than crowded buildings and skylines. Hands down, always and forever. 

7. Mountains + pastures.

Making this one a twofer because...the pretty!

I saw a lot more gorgeous sights along the way (in particular, there were one or two spots, and then maybe two or three more, that will be mind-blowingly gorgeous come fall when the aspens change colors), but it's hard taking pictures while driving when there's no one else to take over the driving (or the picture-taking). So those will have to remain mental pictures, just for my enjoyment (until you take a trip on 285 and/or 50. Which I highly recommend. Or another two-lane highway somewhere in the middle of nowhere).

Who wants to roadtrip with me next time? I'm thinking a drive out to Utah is in order. Maybe Grand Canyon. I'd also like to visit Yellowstone again, since the first and only time I went I was around 5 and not quite appreciative of beauty. Sigh. Someday...

Visit Jen for more!

Hi, I'm Susie and sometimes I forget to finish posts.

First off, I just need to express how full my heart is of today's loveliness. Nothing extreme or terribly special or exciting, but I'm home this weekend, and it's absolutely gorgeous (who'd have thunk that I would be so excited about temps in the mid 80s, and yet, I just love it!). I took the scenic route driving down from Denver yesterday evening, which means I got off the interstate in Castle Rock and drove on the highway east  of Castle Rock (and everything else in between). Side note: I think I would love living in Castle Rock, if I ever had a reason to do so. The scenic route I took drove me past lots and lots of ranches and homes on really pretty, delightfully green land - and multiple ranches that were for sale. Ah, if only. So, that whole drive put me in a really good pro-Colorado mood (because, you know, that's so hard to do with me). My parents' yard is absolutely gorgeous - we've always had aspens in our front yard, though we pretty much had to start over from scratch one year more than 15 years ago when most of them were hit with some kind of fungus that killed them. Since then, Dad's been growing them back, and when he redid the yard at some point in the last several years, taking out most of the grass and replacing it with rock, he expanded the aspen grove area. This year, I think, is the first year that the newer trees are really mature and big enough to make it look like an honest-to-goodness lovely aspen grove. It's just so green and aspen-y in there now! I love it. I have a thing for aspen groves, and having one in my parents' front yard is pretty fantastic.

Also, I knit for approximately...I don't know, 7 or 8 hours last night (slash...this morning), plus another hour after I woke up, in a marathon attempt to get a knitting project done on time. (Obviously, I had grossly underestimated how long this project was going to take - and earlier this week underestimated how much I had left to do, and unlike other presents I've made, this one had a pretty firm due date.) Though I'm sleep deprived, and though I knit so fast and furiously last night that I reached a point where, despite how close I was to finishing, my hand was bothering me to the point that I just had to give up, it was so satisfying. And the end result was lovely, and I was proud to be able to give it as a gift. Knitting is just the best.

Now that I've gotten that out of the way, on to other things. Specifically, this article I came across yesterday. It really echoes what's been in my heart, sometimes reluctantly and annoyingly but other times in exactly the way I need it to be. It's been a tough few months for me in some ways, but in other ways it's been really, really good for me. It's teaching me how to be more detached, which I really need, and how to rely more on God - and to believe that he absolutely does want me to be happy. But the kicker there is that "happy" as God sees it doesn't mean I'm going to have lots of money, or live in the same city as my family, or have a job doing what I think, logically, would give me lots of pleasure. ("Elk watcher" isn't really a job.) Etc. Maybe it doesn't even mean I'll get married. Who knows. What pursuing happiness means is following the will of God. A lot easier said than done, of course, and it inherently means that this requires a lot of hard work praying and actively striving to figure out and follow as best we can the will of God. It's not easy. But it's worth it.

I go through moments where I stubbornly stick to this one perfect idea of what I think will make me happy, and then I get annoyed when God doesn't give that to me. And then I go to the other extreme, thinking I should start pursuing things that don't really give me any happiness or peace even just to think of them, but figuring that maybe it's what God wants because he wants me to give up everything, even the things I love that bring me happiness and contentment. I think the past few months are starting to have the effect of enabling me to find a balance between these two extremes - God made me as I am, and he made me to love the heck out of certain things, and that's a good thing that I shouldn't ignore. But I am also a flawed human being, who sometimes desires things that really wouldn't be the best for me. I can't see that so much, especially in the here and now, but God sees that. He's protected me from a lot, even when it seems like he's just denying me. I think more than anything, the last few months - and really, especially the last few weeks - have really been teaching me (the hard way, because apparently I'm so thick-headed that's the way I need to learn) how to let go of things, let go of myself, and just trust in God. Trust that he'll give me what I need. Trust that he'll show me the right path. Trust that even when it hurts, God knows that too and is still there.

For so long, I've been fighting so hard to figure out what God wants for me without really allowing him to work in my life. I've been making it too hard. I've known this, or long suspected it, but wasn't sure how to change it. Stubbornly sticking only to the things I want, while saying I'm open to God's will but not really allowing myself to think his will is outside of the box I created, or, alternately, completely disregarding the things that make me the person God created while again saying I'm searching for God's will - neither of these things really make sense. God wants to surprise us and give us joy! He wants me to be open to his working in my life, which means that he's going to work with the person that is Susie that he created specifically for the reason I exist. He made me to love and delight in mountains in such a way that I might not really be able to be fully who he created if I take a job in flatland USA just because it's maybe sort of something that I might think he wants me to do. For example. (Now, whether or not it's true that I can't fully be the me he created if I don't have a backdrop of mountains out my window remains to be seen.) The point is, I need to stop clinging to the things that make me comfortable and the things I think I need and just let go. It's entirely possible that once I stop clinging to certain things, God will give them right back to me - but he wants to give them to me. That's the point, I think. I can't be happy if I'm worried about losing what I love. I can be happy if I accept the things I love as such a great gift from God.

Right now, there's a job on the horizon that's a very likely possibility. I'm going down there next weekend to see it in person - I've already interviewed and they seem to like me well enough (which is in and of itself a small miracle and a very bright light in the darkness that has been this job search). It's really funny how it all came about, and certain things about it just seem so completely and ridiculously right. It's way different from what I'm doing now (but pretty much anything I've been looking at is different, since what I'm doing now isn't what I need to be doing with my life), but it's also something I've long felt drawn to and somehow never pursued. It's in a place I think I could love (though I'm reserving effusive praise until I actually see it in person - though, it's about 30 miles away from a town in Colorado that I've wanted to visit for years. That's a good start, I think). The thought of doing this job makes me more excited than other jobs I've applied for, or, at the least, excited in a different, more peaceful way. The biggest concern for me right now is the financial aspect, because I wouldn't really be making more than I am now (and what I'm making now really isn't sustainable). I'd be saving more in other areas, though, and, more importantly, I'd be doing something that I think I'd enjoy - and at the very least, if it turns out I don't, I'd still be getting experience in the right direction.

There's too much peace in this for me to ignore it. I've been telling God that he's going to have to make it obvious where he wants me - even if that means only letting me get one job offer at the expense of my self-confidence. I don't need self-confidence as much as I need confidence in God. And every step of the process with this job has been almost too easy, which makes sense if it's really where God wants me. It might still not work out, and that'll be ok, because there will be something else. But it also might work out and be really great. Even though the money thing is a concern, God's managed to take care of me pretty well this whole time, making sure I have juuuuust enough to squeeze out all my bills and loans and living expenses each month, sometimes through random circumstances and sometimes through other means. Sure, it's getting really old not to be able to go drive up to Estes Park because gas is approximately $15.76/gal and my car gets approximately 3 miles/gal (both are perhaps slight exaggerations), but that's just the way things are right now.

I guess the point is, sometimes I like to rail and complain and whinge to God about what I don't have in my life, or the problems I do have, when it seems like everyone else gets the things I want - and it seems so easy for them. But guess what? They're not me. I'm not them. God has something else in mind for me - different crosses, different joys. And that's good and beautiful and really hard but really worth it. I'm excited to see what's coming up, excited to walk that path with God and hopefully stick to it, excited to see the person God wants me to become.


*I think there was more I was going to say, but I wrote this almost two weeks ago (on 5/25). And now I have to write a new post with an update, since my visit to this prospective job has come and gone as of this past weekend. So...on to that post, I guess! Or maybe not quite yet. :)