If you say so, admissions people

On NDNation, there's lots of talk about getting into ND, getting wait listed, etc. I guess they sent out letters this past weekend to students still waiting to hear from the regular applicants. Seriously, sometimes I think it was just a fluke that I got in. A kid, fellow senior, who I sort of know from my city (didn't meet him until I came here, though) mentioned his list of stats and whatnot (test scores, gpa, extracurriculars, etc), and they're far and away better than mine were. All of it. And somehow I got accepted right away early admit, which is more competitive. (This kid was deferred from early admit to regular, then wait listed, and then got accepted later.) It makes absolutely no sense to me how I managed to get in. Not really stellar test scores, but great GPA, IB, non-NHS (I think I was one of like three people in my IB class at Palmer who didn't get accepted into NHS. I didn't really want to be in it except for the everyone's-in-it-because-colleges-like-it thing, but that rejection still to this day messes with my head), non-legacy, not exactly a lot of extracurriculars (but a select few to which I was fairly committed, which I guess does count for something), etc. But hey, I won't argue. Their mistake was my gain (although at great expense...didn't really cost them much, I guess).

Drained

I missed it when it happened, again, but this was my 1100th post. Just figured I'd make a note of it.

Today I've felt like the dumbest person in my class because I have a B+, I've cried on the phone to my mom who I'm sure really doesn't need that right now (I don't really have anyone else to do that too, though...it just comes out around her sometimes), I've felt the walls of my dorm shake from a lightening bolt that must have practically hit the dorm (and which may or may not have been related to the fire alarm going off probably less than ten minutes later), and I'm going to Mass in half an hour to celebrate the feast of the Annunciation which I believe will be celebrated by a bishop from...I forget where. Oh, Cardinal George of Chicago. So...I have no idea what to make of today. I guess it's possible that today might still be salvageable. Even if I do have to work later tonight. It's money, right?


(Edit: Cardinal George wasn't there. Guess there was a miscommunication somewhere, I don't know. But it was still a nice Mass, as always.)

It's 3am I must be lonely

It's 3:15 at the moment, and I'm online. I don't know if there's been a single day the last week or so that I haven't been up at 3:15, but tonight's different, because I actually went to bed around 12:30. Woke up a bit before 2, not sure why as that doesn't usually happen to me. Went to the bathroom, came back and realized I wouldn't be able to get back to sleep easily. Decided to finish reading the next Narnia book we're discussing on Tuesday, The Horse and His Boy. I was a little more than halfway through, I think. Anyway. I finished it. It was good. I had either read or started reading it back the summer after...junior year, I believe, when I got a one-book version of the entire Chronicles and wanted to read through it (having only ever read The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe before). The set up was The Magician's Nephew, LWW, Horse and his Boy, and I don't remember how else they went after that. I think I only got to H&B. The beginning was definitely familiar, but I'm not sure if the rest of it was. So I don't know if I ever finished it. Either way, it was good. But I'm enjoying all of them, so why wouldn't I enjoy this one? I'm definitely picking up a lot of things I'm sure I wouldn't have even back five years ago, and especially not if I were reading them as a kid. They're really wonderful books. Such an awesome concept for a story, too. I'm looking forward to reading The Last Battle (next week is Magician's Nephew, which I definitely remember at least the main parts, and then it's Last Battle).

Anyway. Why am I still up, then? Firstly I had a headache. When I woke up at 1-whatever, I took some excedrin (second time today, which doesn't happen often). Still hadn't started working by the time I finished the book at around 3. Sort of feels like a migraine as I feel (or, I guess felt) somewhat nauseated. It's a little better now, but still not great. Maybe the last week is just catching up to me. It's hard trying to fall asleep with a headache though. Well, I guess it's easy to try, but not easy to have any success. Then there's the small factor of not being able to turn off my brain. Memere (my grandmother) isn't doing well. Probably won't be long now. My mom was supposed to come home tomorrow (today I guess), but has pushed her flight back to Saturday. And then she's scheduled to come back next Monday for a work thing, but she doesn't know how much work she'll be doing. Guess it depends on how things go this week. It's an awful situation. It's not like I want Memere to die, obviously. I just hate the waiting, the anticipation, the not knowing when. Every phone call I get this week, I'll be expecting bad news. And I sort of feel cut off from everything here. I guess I'm no cut off than anyone else in my family, but for some reason I just expect to be the last one told or something. I don't know. It sucks, any way you slice it. For everyone.

So now it's 3:30. I might just have to put in a DVD or something, turn the volume down pretty low, and turn the sleep timer on. I've had to do that a few times lately just to get myself to sleep. Because when the lights are off, and there's nothing else to distract me, I start thinking. And there's nothing to keep my mind from wandering to the unpleasanter things of life. From worries, and stress. I suppose I could try saying the rosary. That's worked in the past. The night before my Grandmom (Dad's mom) died, five years ago, I was in a similar state to tonight. I knew things were bad, we didn't know when but we knew it'd probably be soon, and I couldn't sleep. So I fell asleep saying the rosary. (Sometimes it's hard not to fall asleep when I say the rosary -- it's very rhythmic and soothing.) But in general, this whole thing is why sometimes I hate going to bed. Obviously I love sleeping (who doesn't?). The getting there can be difficult, though. The nights and times I'm too exhausted to do anything but let my head hit the pillow before I fall asleep, those are nice. Other nights I'm not so lucky.

I'm so tired. But I don't want to try to go to bed. I think I have to, though. Here's hoping I can.

Could it be? Spring?

I have exciting news to share. I just checked the 10 day forecast (last time I had checked it was a few days ago, probably, and there was nothing terribly exciting about it. Lots of clouds and not much real warmth). But tomorrow? Tomorrow the high is apparently 61 degrees! Granted, there's probably going to be thunderstorms, maybe some rain, and wind (ew, wind), but still. 61 degrees! And the rest of the 10 days is mostly in the 50s and upper 40s. Still not exactly warm weather, but hey, no days in the 30s makes me happy. I'll take what I can get. Spring will come. It'll always come. Even if it takes awhile. (I can't wait for flowers and blooming trees!)

Today and things

Today's been interesting. I woke up at 8 (8!) in the morning, and Gail and I walked over to McKenna where the conference was taking place. We were a little surprised to find that the first talk in the morning that we had planned to attend was slightly different when we got there. Different title, etc. Same person doing it though (I think). But we listened to it anyway. It was ok, I guess, but the original title that had gotten our attention sounded like it would have been a more interesting talk than the one we heard. But oh well. The other one we wanted to go to, right after the first, was Sex and the Vatican City, and it was as good as expected. For me there wasn't a lot of new information, but that's ok. I still find it all fascinating. That one was about the myths that people have about sex, contraception, and reasons for disliking the Church because of her teaching on these issues. The talk included things about the fact that the pill is a carcinogen, that traces of it (and other things) have been found in water supplies and that fish are starting to turn majority female, etc.

He also talked about the difference in AIDS rates in countries that tried different methods of combating AIDS -- firstly he discussed Uganda, which has had the only real success rate in decreasing the AIDS problem that Africa's facing, because they use abstinence education and what they call ABC -- abstain until marriage, be faithful to your spouse, and condom use if unable to do the first two. Uganda is also apparently pretty Catholic, compared to other African countries. Anyway. They've had success with it. Then he went on to compare the case of the Philippines and...oh man, I'm forgetting...Thailand maybe? In 1987 they were warned that the number of cases of HIV-infected people would rise dramatically by 1997 or 2000 or something. The predicted number in both countries was fairly similar, and the populations aren't terribly different either. Anyway, to help combat this, Thailand (or whatever country it was) responded by blanketing the country with condoms, making them widely and easily available. The Philippines responded by teaching people about abstinence and such. Today, Thailand has something like 750,000 cases whereas the Philippines has not quite 2000. I had previously heard about the Uganda thing, but I had never heard of the difference between Philippines and Thailand. Here, I finally found a website with the stats.

Anyway. He also had studies showing the correlation between condom use and AIDS rates in general, as well as contraception use and number of abortions. In both cases, as one rises, so does the other. Obviously it's not a direct cause and effect thing, but it's hard to deny there's a relationship. It's all a mentality thing. It's amazing. Like I said last night, the Church sure does know what she's talking about.

So. After that, Gail and I kind of wanted to stay to listen to a talk during the next session about the Creighton model and NFP (the guy who did the second talk we went to suggested going to that one to hear alternatives women have when they don't want to have to go on the pill, presumably for medical reasons, and we're both rather interested in hearing about that), but we were both too tired. But yeah. Instead we both came back to the dorm and went back to bed (it was around 11:30 at this point. Had I not gone to the conference I'd have still been asleep). Slept pretty much until I had to go to work. Had a weird dream during this in which the dome somehow started tipping over, the whole column it's on (I don't think it's really on a column like it was in my dream), and it just all fell over. It was actually sort of a mix between the belltower part of the Basilica and the dome. It wasn't in the same setting as the main building is actually in, but yeah. It was really really sad for some reason. I guess it'd be sort of like if the White House started falling apart, except I'm sure that'd be less sad for me than this. Somehow they managed to get it back standing again pretty quickly, and put the actual dome part back up, but the top (which in real life is Mary but in this dream I think might have been a cross) was gone. I don't know. It was weird. Stupidly upsetting, too. Not terribly upsetting, but unsettling for sure. Anyway.

I realized as I was walking to work that there was indeed an ordination today. I figured there would be, because they always do it the Saturday after Easter, but I hadn't seen anything about it, there wasn't anything about it on their website, etc. So I didn't request today's shift off or anything, and thus I couldn't go. I'm a little sad. Ordinations are awesome things to see, especially here. (Ok, I can't compare to anywhere else, but they just do great liturgies here. That's all there is to it.) Oh well. Work was...work. Nothing interesting. Went to CJ's for the first time for dinner. I'd heard about it before, heard it recommended, etc, so I wanted to go at least once before graduation. It was good, I guess, but I don't know. It was a burger. Nothing too exciting. But yeah. At least I can say I tried it now. I would go back, but yeah. Anyway.

Two of the cast members from The Office were at Washington Hall tonight, so Julie, Katherine, and I went to see them. It was pretty funny (although I was a bit surprised when they started throwing out that word I really don't like, I guess because obviously I never hear that on the show. But I hear it pretty much everywhere else so I don't know why it should surprise me...unfortunately). I miss that show. Good thing it's coming back soon. After that, I was convinced to go to the Backer for a little while. I had said last weekend that I would go this weekend, no matter what, but of course by tonight I was regretting saying that. I've only gone once this semester, and I just...I don't know. I think I'm kind of over it. I had my fun crazy college time last semester (although I never really did anything crazy, but I went out and such), and I guess it's out of my system now. Not to say I won't go back before graduation, but...yeah. I don't know. It's smoky (especially on nights when there are lots of townies, which was the case tonight for some reason), and crowded, and hot, and loud. And me being taller than my friends, if I want to hear anything they say I have to spend the night bent over. I mean, it is fun sometimes, and I definitely had fun there last semester. I just...yeah I don't know. I'm over it, I guess. It really is a weird thing to do, when you think about it. I have a lot more fun just hanging out with my friends. In an environment in which I can breathe and hear and move and stuff. Haha. Anyway.

Our hockey team won tonight (and they were playing in Colorado Springs! I didn't know that until it was over!), which means we're heading to the Frozen Four. So that's pretty cool. At least we're not doing terribly in all our sports this year. Although nothing makes up for that awful football season. Sigh. I miss football so much. At least baseball's finally started. Unfortunately baseball's significantly less exciting, and the occasions on which Red Sox games are shown aren't exactly often. Oh well. I'll take what I can get, and continue to look forward to the fall and football. But yes. Hockey. I just saw that apparently the team's getting back to campus around 4:45 in the morning. I'd consider going to greet them (I'm sure there'll be a small contingent, at least, of students there to cheer and such, like we did when the football team showed up after UCLA -- the first football game we won last season. Ugh), but...yeah. Firstly I don't know that any of my friends would want to go, and secondly I don't really feel like waking up to walk over there and such. It's not like I'm a hockey fan anyway. If I went it'd just be to be supportive, school spirit, etc. But eh. I'm getting up at 9 for Mass and that'll be hard enough without a half-hour or so interruption in there.

Speaking of that. Time for bed. Thankfully this week is an easy week, so I don't have to worry about being too productive tomorrow.

Friends, fun, and moral ethics!

I was going to go to bed early tonight. As usual, that didn't happen. Instead, I went to the SUB movie at Debartolo (which this week was Atonement. I hadn't really had any previous desire to see it, except when I initially heard about it, but then when I learned more I didn't really care. I should have gone with my instinct not to see it. For most of the movie, it was laughably bad in my not very artistic opinion. Not to mention some of the more...offensive aspects, which I suppose are what create the whole story in the first place... I mean, at first the movie itself was ok. And then it just got weird and all artsy. And partway through, at some random scene, I just broke out in silent hysterical laughter because I could not believe that this movie was so critically acclaimed and whatnot. It did get a bit better by the end, I suppose, but I would never, ever recommend this. But, again, I'm not exactly very...good at judging, I guess. I like what I like and don't like what I don't like and I don't expect anyone else to agree), and I watched some of my friends play a weird game (Quelf -- I didn't participate because I was planning on going to bed before it was over, and also, it's not exactly my kind of game. I'm not quirky enough to play that kind of game), and then I went to ask another friend a quick question and ended up staying in her room talking to her and her boyfriend for an hour. So...yeah.

Today was a good day, really. The talks at the Edith Stein conference I've gone to so far have been pretty good. I really like Dawn Eden, but I guess I talked about that already. And with my directed readings today. I'm just really pumped right now about sexual ethics, stupid as that sounds. It's so incredibly important, so pertinent to life, and just so...fascinating. And it's amazing just how true the truth of the Church is. If any of the tenets of sexual ethics start to be ignored, then there's no doubt that they'll all start to tumble. Ignoring one almost inevitably leads to ignoring others. I just love how interconnected all the teachings of the Church are. Sometimes I just can't understand how people believe anything else. How Catholics especially can ignore what the Church says. Anyway. I'm actually voluntarily waking up at 8 in the morning on a Saturday to go to two more of the talks with Gail -- "Dealing with an Impure World: How to Act in a Sexualized Culture" and "Sex and the Vatican City." Should be interesting. Especially on this moral ethics kick I'm on. It's a great topic. I'm actually almost excited that I'll be writing a 15 page paper on it. My excitement over this stuff is the only reason I ever considered applying to grad school. And only to the JPII Institute. Not because of lofty career goals that require a master's. Not just to say I have a master's. But because I'd be immersed in this stuff, and that's pretty cool. Who knows, maybe I'll still get there.

For now, sleep. My bed is desperately calling, as I've been neglecting it something awful this week. (And I'm waking up at 8! tomorrow. What self-respecting senior in college does that?)


(And now, three days later, I see that this was my 1100th post in 2-ish years! Wow! Ok so maybe it's not that exciting.)

Don't read. Just watch the clips.

Sorry about that writing diarrhea I had last night. Good news is, I had low reader turnout today, so perhaps some were saved from it and won't bother to go back and look at it should they check in later.

I want to write a normal post. I just have nothing to say. Well, I can say this. I really want to watch a good Astaire/Rogers movie. Really really badly. I was looking them up on amazon the other day, and I found a 5-pack for like $35. I mean, it's slightly used, through one of the non-amazon sellers, but that's a pretty good price for 5 movies. Especially when they're five awesome movies. Ok, I haven't seen most of them (I think maybe the two of theirs that I've seen are in that 5-pack), but I'm easily pleased when it comes to things like that. They're just so much fun to watch, even if all the stories might be basically the same thing. Have you watched them dance together? It's amazing. Like this one:


Or this one (how awesome is that dress?):

I just found this one, which is sort of wacky but pretty awesome. I've never heard of the movie but apparently it's one of their most underrated movies. I definitely want to check it out:


Anyway. They make me so happy for some reason. Quality stuff right there. Writing papers? That doesn't make me so happy. Especially when I'm writing my 3rd in three nights (and messing with a fourth, because I wrote it before he told me what he wanted in these reaction papers. Sigh). Sometimes I think I made a mistake in not applying for grad school this year. Weeks like this, though, make me think I most certainly didn't make a mistake. (Oh, and seeing lots of friends around here who have to write theses for their majors makes me very glad that theology doesn't require a thesis. Although I think a lot of those friends, from what they've told me, had to write this week about as much as I did, but just on one topic -- and probably one that interested them somewhat to a great deal more than my papers interested me. But still. Yay for no thesis.)

I'm going to be so glad when this week is completely over and done with. It's just been not a good week for me in a lot of respects. Not a lot of sleep, incredibly unhealthy eating patterns (I have no self control, and a box of Easter candy. Take from that what you will), too much coffee, too many papers, and other things thrown in there too. My routine, such as it is, has been completely thrown off all week. As nice as days off are, I'm looking forward to next week getting back to normal. Maybe getting back to regular sleeping patterns, maybe even to a point where I can make myself get up at 10am and exercise for half an hour. It's sad that I'm so lazy, but having to go downstairs and not knowing if the elliptical will be in use often deters me from trying at all. It's really pathetic, but there it is. Like at home. If I had an elliptical in my house, I would use it every day. No question. Well, most days at least. I hate running, but I think I'm going to try to motivate myself to do that once the weather starts getting nice. (Although at this rate, who knows if that'll happen. Seriously, it's getting annoying. I'm so longing for a sunny day that's not windy and cold. A day in the 50s. I think we've had something like two of those all semester. Perhaps that's a bit of an under-exaggeration, but probably not by much. That's the thing about here vs Colorado: Both might get snow, and maybe have bad winters, but in Colorado, it seems, the bad wintry days are mixed in with nicer, warm days. I think last week they were in the 60s or 70s, before the weekend and some Easter snow hit. Here? It's just cold. And wintry. And cloudy. And oh yeah, cold some more. And let's throw in a little not cold, but not warm. Just to tease everyone. It's enough to bother even a cold/cloudy/wintry weather lover like myself, eventually.)

Anyway. I'm trying to decide if I should skip my guitar class tomorrow to go hear a talk by Dawn Eden. Who you may or may not have heard of. She wrote a book called The Thrill of the Chaste, which I haven't read, but it's an interesting subject anyway. This weekend is the Edith Stein conference on campus, which is sort of a thing discussing feminism and Catholicism and modern America, I guess, in a way. Anyway, there's a bunch of cool talks that I might like to go to, and speakers I've heard of through the Catholic blogosphere. But we'll see. Sadly, there's one talk on Saturday at 2, which is when I work, that sounds really interesting, called "Hollywood and Effects of Sexual Revolution." Oh well. I'll survive. I mean, hey, where else would I rather be than sitting around for two hours at the Huddle, right? Anyway. I'd like to go to the one tomorrow afternoon on Theology of the Body, and Saturday's Sex and the Vatican City sounds like it could be interesting as well. Unfortunately for all of these I'm just going off of the title, as there are no descriptions for any of them, but that's ok. I think I'll probably go to the Dawn Eden one. Amy Welborn came and gave a talk...I think sophomore year sometime, and I wanted to go but ended up talking myself out of it. Not that I think it'd be life-changing or anything, but I'm sure it would have been cool to go to. I'm only here for so long, so I might as well take advantage of seeing these people while I can, right? Colorado Springs isn't exactly a hot ticket location for big name Catholic speakers. (Although I have missed out on a few that sounded cool. And there's someone else coming sometime before I get back...oh Scott Hahn maybe. I think he's going to the Springs early May or something, so I'm just gonna miss him. Oh well.)


Aaaaand ok, I wrote this last night (Thursday) but it's now Friday afternoon and it's still sitting here in the Create Post thing. Guess I'll just turn it into a Friday post. I got the papers done "last night", and found that I actually was interested in the topics discussed in Persona Humana and Donum Vitae (well, I knew I was, but I actually didn't mind writing about them), despite the fact that I just wanted to go to bed and sleep forever and not write any more papers ever. And it's a good thing that I'm interested in them, because today I learned (because I asked, since I just wanted to know so I can plan) I'll be writing a 15 pager synthesizing all the stuff we've discussed this semester. It's actually less daunting than I think it sounds. Because, like I said, I'm incredibly into all of it. The Church's teaching on sexual ethics is fascinating. And so very very applicable and truthful. It's amazing. I could go on and on. Maybe I'll post my 15 pager once I'm done. Hahaha. Wouldn't you all love that? Anyway. And I went to the Dawn Eden talk a bit ago, and I'm going to be leaving for a 3:30 talk in a little while here, and hopefully I'll be staying for the 4:45 Theology of the Body talk as well. I didn't bring a notepad or anything to Dawn Eden's, and felt sort of naked not having anything on which to jot notes (I love being able to write down thoughts I have, things I hear, etc). So I think I'll be bringing one with me to the next thing. I'm excited for the ToB talk, I just hope I can convince my friend to stay...she might not want to though. And that's fine. It's just nicer having someone else there.

Anyway. Know what's weird/annoying? Three times now since we changed clocks for daylight savings, my computer has rebelled and put itself back an hour. Literally five minutes ago, possibly less, I looked at the clock on my computer, down there in the corner, and it said 2:45 or whatever. A minute later, I noticed it looked odd, and then I noticed that it said 1:47. Somehow, while I was sitting here doing nothing interesting on my computer, without it going into hibernation and coming out an hour behind, it just changed itself. So bizarre. And I don't know why it's doing it. The clocks on the registers at work do that too. They'll switch them, and somehow not much later they'll be an hour behind again. I have no idea why this is occurring. My clock is set on eastern time, and it's supposed to adjust itself for daylight savings (but it didn't this year). I wonder, wasn't it early this year? Maybe they forgot to tell the internal clocks of computers that it was early, so they don't think it's happened yet. Who knows. All I know is, I wish it didn't keep changing itself, because man does it confuse me. I don't know what time to believe.

Well, yet again I've written a ridiculously long post. Seriously, why do I keep writing such long posts? No one wants to read that. Oh well. At least I got some good movie clips in there, right?

Five days until it's April...

...and this is what we've had much of the day:
I've seen big ol' fat rain lots of times, but today I saw big ol' fat snowflakes, like I've never seen before. Huge clumps of them. Like having small fluffy snowballs dropped down on you. It was bizarre. (It's turned more into regular, but still quite wet, snow by this point. But still. It's March 27, people. Ah well. At least it's not terribly cold.)

I guess I'll be honest?

So, in the last few days since Easter, it seems like people I know (either sort of or I'm actually friends with) just keep getting engaged. I think I know of at least two who got engaged on or around Easter, and at least one more who was recently, and probably others I'm forgetting. EVERYONE'S engaged. I guess none of my really close friends are. But it's only a matter of time before one makes the jump. And then they'll all follow. And leave poor undesirable old me alone, destined to be a crazy old cat lady. I mean, great for those people and all. Just sucks for me. Tell me any old cliche you want to make me feel better, I know, I've heard them all, and maybe they're true. But know what? They don't help. I suppose if I don't want to hear them, I maybe shouldn't complain about it, huh? I never complain about it on here though. Maybe once in awhile. But not really. Not how I really feel.

How do I really feel? Totally and completely unwanted. What do all those other girls have, even the girls who aren't engaged, maybe aren't even in serious relationships, those girls who maybe have even just been asked out a couple of times. What do they have that I'm so incredibly lacking? I know I'm not perfect, or skinny, or the prettiest girl out there, or the most fun, or any of that. And I'm ridiculously tall (especially for guys at this school). But still. Isn't there just one guy out there? Even just a date. What the heck, huh? I sure as heck don't get it, and I sure as heck am frustrated by it. I'll be 23 before I know it, and still as single as any girl's ever been. And probably still as lacking in confidence as any girl's ever been. Which, perhaps, is part of my problem. But it's sort of a vicious cycle thing, you know? I'm not entirely sure how to get out of it. Because maybe I can make myself have some confidence about my writing skills, or my...job skills (if I ever get a job), or something like that. Maybe I can even make myself have some confidence with regard to my looks. (Some confidence.) But I can't possibly just make myself have confidence when it comes to guys being interested. I can't make a guy interested in me. (Because believe me, if it were possible, I would have done it a long time ago.) (And this isn't to say that I need to have a man in my life to have any self-worth. But never having anyone in any capacity really messes with a girl's sense of self-esteem. A mother's love and assurances can only go so far when you've made it to being 22 without a single guy finding you attractive enough, in any sense, to date. Sad as that is, that's where I am right now. A guy might not complete me, but he could sure make me feel better about myself. Sorry if I'm being anti-feminist or something.)

And that's sort of what sucks so much about the whole situation. It's the not knowing, the not understanding, and the not being able to do anything about it. What it is about me that seems to turn off guys, or repulse them, or make me invisible to them? I sure as heck don't know. All I know is, I'm about to graduate from college, and I will have "successfully" made it through all of high school and all of college without getting asked out a single time. (Ok, I guess there was one. Sort of.) Not even to a dance, not even platonically to a dance. I've never been to a guy's SYR here (that's what the dorm dances here are called). Not a one. I might be the only one of allll of my friends here who's able to say that (lucky me!). I've never been hit on in a bar (not that I necessarily want that, obviously, but at this point it'd almost be nice. Ok, no, I guess that's not true). I had always assumed that I'd be getting married sometime after college. That I'd meet someone in college and I wouldn't be starting from scratch when I graduate. I was never one of those people who wanted to wait until I was "older," who thought it'd be too young to get married before 25 or 27. And now here I am, and chances are I won't be getting married before I'm 25. I'll still hold out hope that maybe it'll happen before I'm 27, but who knows? Maybe I'll be one of those perpetually single girls who just can't find someone, who hits 30 and then 35 and all chances of having kids start to go out the window. And then maybe when I'm 40 or 50 I'll find someone. It could happen, much as people try to tell me it won't. Who's to say it won't? There's nothing in the Constitution that guarantees finding someone to love you before the end of your childbearing years. Nothing that's conferred upon people at their baptism that says they'll find someone when they're still young. God never said "Be as good a Catholic as you can, and you'll get married in your 20s." It's just...I don't know.

Wow I got on a nice little rant there, didn't I? Wasn't planning on that. Sometimes lately, though, it's just...it gets so overwhelming. Loneliness. All that. It's pathetic, but there it is. I should change my feelings, but there they are. Most here probably haven't seen Mr. Magoo's Christmas Carol, but there's a song in there -- a sad, depressing song -- that I can't help but agree with exactly sometimes. (Maybe it's in my more cynical and melancholic times, as it does include the line "I'm all alone in the world" and I do have my parents and my siblings and my friends and whatnot, so I'm not quite alone as the childhood Scrooge. But still...the sentiment's there. "A hand for each hand was planned for the world, why don't my fingers reach? Millions of grains of sand in the world, why such a lonely beach?" etc. Pathetic, really.) I know it's stupid. I know I'm stupid for letting the whole thing get to me this much and this often. It's not like it's been a constant thing, to this degree, for the last however many years. It's not even now. But it is much more frequent now, for whatever reason. And I realize I sound like a head case. I mean, it's just a relationship. Why let let the lack of it bother me so much?

The thing is, it's not just that I want to be in a relationship. I mean, I do, but I don't just want to be in a relationship to be in a relationship. Hence why it doesn't help when people say "Boys are dumb, you're lucky you don't have to deal with one," or "Enjoy being single! You can do so much more, you have so much more freedom!" Things like that. I'd like to experience for myself that boys are dumb, and I've had quite enough of that "freedom." Very, very, very few people I know can relate to me at all. Very few people have made it through their entire college careers without ever having any part of those experiences. How many people do you know of who have younger siblings who are getting married, before those people even have boy/girlfriends? (I'm happy for you and all, Peter, I'm just venting here.) Especially when those people (the boy/girlfriendless ones) really wish they were the ones getting married, because they've always wanted to get married. It's not exactly what I would call a pleasant feeling, surprisingly. I mean, I was sort of sad enough (not really sad, that's not the right word for it) that I didn't even have a date to bring to my sister's wedding four years ago. Here I am, practically same situation only it's a younger brother, and not only do I not have a date to his wedding, I haven't had a date in the intervening four years.

Here's the thing, or another thing I guess. I'm trying to trust God with this. (About time I bring him into the conversation, no?) Desperately trying. What else am I going to do? I really want to do what he wants for me, because I know, I truly believe that what he wants is far better than what I could ever want for myself. It'll all turn out better. I just have to let it happen. And there's the tough part. It's hard to come back to my dorm room at whatever point in the day, people in relationships all around me, never having experienced that myself, and say "Ok God, whatever you want." It's hard to say it and mean it without any sense of "What the heck are you thinking" or anger or confusion or disappointment in his apparent plan. It's hard to accept that, for whatever reason, God wants me to be single. I don't know that I can say with certainty that he's wanted me to remain completely single my whole life up to this point (and further on), because perhaps I messed something up along the way somehow, missed something, even if it was just something small. But I do think that I'm not in a relationship, and have yet to be in one, because for whatever reason God doesn't want me to be in one. I don't understand it, and I don't understand why it'd be so hard for him to let me be asked out a time or two (unless there's some weird reaction I'd have to being asked out, like I'd get all...oh I don't even know), or to have someone be interested in me (and when I say this, and when I say no one's ever been interested in me, I mean in a sense that I've known about. Sure, it's possible that someone has been interested in me at some point in my life. But as far as I'm concerned, unless I know about it, it might as well not exist. It doesn't exist. Because if I don't know about it, the result is the same). It's stupid, but my self-confidence is so low that I think even knowing someone found some part of me attractive would be such a boost. I mean, I don't just want someone to say "You have pretty eyes" or something. I mean to be attracted to something real. I've never really had that. I've never even sort of had it.

Sometimes I hate wearing my purity ring. I wear it on my left ring finger. I wonder sometimes if it preemptively scares off some guys. I seriously doubt it does, but I hate it when people see it and ask if I'm engaged. It's happened. Why wouldn't it? I mean, it's a logical question. Not offensive or anything (like asking someone if she's pregnant. That could obviously have some negative repercussions). But I hate it. It's not like I need to wear it. I don't need a ring to know that I'm committed to my chastity. God doesn't need me to wear it to know that I want to honor him in that regard. I just do, because I have since I got it back in 8th grade or whenever it was. It's a nice reminder sometimes. Sometimes it's a not so nice reminder of what isn't there. Sometimes I think the whole thing is pointless. Why even pretend to be committed to chastity when I have no one trying to make me break that commitment? Why claim to be waiting for marriage when it's not like I'm getting offers that I have to turn down? What's the point, anyway? I know there's still a point, but sometimes I'm just too cynical to want to see it. It does seem ridiculous, though. It's almost like I'm saying "Well, I'm committed to staying away from practicing witchcraft while doing hallucinogenic drugs." That's a great commitment and all, but when would I ever have the opportunity to do that? Ok, maybe it's not quite the same thing. And chastity isn't simply about not having sex. (Just read the CDF document Persona Humana. It's pretty good.) But still. It just all feels like a mockery sometimes, you know? Who are you trying to fool, anyway, Susie, by wearing a ring that symbolizes a commitment you've never come close to being able even to challenge?

It's hard for me to accept, the whole thing. It's hard (and scary beyond belief) to think that maybe he will never want me in a relationship. Maybe I have some other vocation. Sure, becoming a nun has entered my mind before. Even seriously. But at the end of the day I always go back to what I've wanted my whole life -- nothing more than to be a wife and mother. That's all I've ever wanted to be. Perhaps that'll change, who knows. What a waste of money to go to Notre Dame if I don't even have high aspirations for some well-paying job, right? That's just the way it is though, and (yes, this was a mistake on my part) that's part of the reason I have absolutely zero direction regarding the rest of my life starting eight weeks from now. I didn't go to college with a career as a doctor, or lawyer, or teacher, or anything as the end plan. I went to college and, while I may not have specifically had this in mind, I fully expected I'd be earning my MRS. degree by the end. When people ask me what I want to do with my life, I can't very well answer "I want to get married and have kids." That's the sort of thing a person can say when she actually has someone in her life who she'd consider marrying. But beyond that, it just seems ridiculous not to have some other goal.

Clearly things didn't work out the way I planned (I know, I know, nothing ever does). I still hope, and pray, that God does want me to get married one day. But I think that if he has another path in mind, someday I'll be at peace with that. As it is right now, it's hard. And it's caused no shortage of angry discussions with God. Pleadings. Questioning. I don't doubt that God loves me. Even when I may start to feel worthless and unlovable, even when I think I'm not good enough for anyone (friends and family included), I know it's wrong and that God loves me and that his love alone should be enough. He'd do anything for me, right? He died for me. His love for me -- for me, Susie, myself, individually -- is amazing and breathtaking. He knows exactly how I feel. He knows exactly what I'm thinking. He knows me better than anyone ever will, including me. I mean, obviously it's good to have other people around, but as long as I have God, what else do I really need, right? It's hard to do this, but I'm really really trying to get to a point where I love God as much as he deserves. Ok, that's impossible, as this past weekend so gloriously showed. (Easter Vigil was pretty much everything in the post, all rolled up into one. Me by myself in a sea of couples and families and friends, all sharing the experience, and me sharing it too, but as an individual, alone. I guess that's just how God wants me right now. He wants me all to himself. And I want to deny him that? No, but...yes.) There's no way I could repay that with my pitiful attempt at love. But I need to try to love him as much as I can, and I know I haven't been. It's a hard thing to do though, for some reason. After the emotions of the Triduum and Easter, it should theoretically be easy beyond belief to say (and feel and mean) that I love God above all else, above everything, and want to live my life around him, and I don't want to make him somehow fit around the rest of my life. It doesn't work to do it that way (to try to fit God around the rest of my life). It really doesn't work. And I'm no good at centering my life around God. I suck at praying. Like, I'm really really terrible at it. My mind doesn't stop long enough to listen, long enough to finish a prayer. Forget about trying to hear God, what he wants from me, through anything.

And that's another frustrating thing. Not only am I not in a relationship, for whatever reason, I don't even have a clue what God wants me to do instead. Does he really want me just to go back home and find some job that I'll get through a temp agency? Is that really where he wants me to be? Maybe it is. I would guess that it's not where he ultimately wants me, but maybe I need that to get to the next step. But I have no idea. So I just plod along, trying to listen (although, honestly, not trying very hard), and randomly doing whatever ends up sounding good at the time. Maybe that's how God directs me, who knows. It's frustrating, that's all I know.

I sometimes wonder if people see me and think I'm a good person, especially when it comes to my faith and such. I may be a semi, sort of "good" Catholic, as far as trying to follow the "rules" goes, but even in that I fall far, far short. But when it comes to my relationship with God, it's practically deplorable. I really do try, sometimes. But it's hard. And it's really hard when I think that I've been doing pretty well, maybe even making some headway, and things just continue to be...not good. I don't have an awful life, or a terrible life, or even a bad life. I have a pretty good life, and I can't really complain. But when I think back on the last year or two or so, and try to pick out something great that's happened to me, something I've wanted that I've actually gotten, it's really hard to find anything. Sure, my second nephew was born last summer, and he's awesome. But somehow it's sort of separate from me, if that makes any sense. Not to lessen the blessing that he is, or the happiness he brings. And I know, that's what I'm doing, isn't it? But...I don't know, it's been a tough few years for me. Especially this year. My cat died in September, and I still long to hold her and cuddle her every time I see her picture. We put Kebbie down this month. The whole hospital/ovary problems. Disappointment in school. Disappointment in a lot of expectations I have about things (and people wonder why I expect the worst. It's because the best never -- ok, rarely, and I'm hard-pressed to think of a recent time when it has -- happens to me). Nothing major, obviously (aside from the pet thing). Just a lot of little things that continue to beat me down, bit by bit. And very little to help boost me up. Very little. Sometimes I'll come across the blog of a woman struggling with infertility. (There's a lot of them out there.) And I'll read a post here and there which, aside from the fact that that woman and I are hoping for two different things, I can almost understand exactly what she's talking about. The longing, the hoping, the waiting, the bittersweet feeling at learning yet another's happy news. (Of course, in my selfishness I can't help but think -- at least those women have great supports in their husbands to get them through the really hard days and nights. Especially the nights. But I'm sure that doesn't make their situation better than mine.) Yeah, perhaps my longing is much more petty than a woman who desperately wants a child and for whatever reason God has not yet seen fit to bless her with one. But that doesn't make it any easier for me to deal with. Especially because, wrapped up in my desire to be in a relationship and ultimately married, there is also a deep desire to have kids. And I feel that longing, too, when I see or hold babies, or pregnant women, or any of that. It's all just...there.

And I can't help but think, why me? (Why anyone? I know, lots of bad things -- much worse than my life -- happen to lots of people. But this isn't about rationality right now.) Are the only prayers to God from me that'll get a "yes" answer going to be ones such as, "Hey, how about a little sun/rain/clouds/etc today?" Sure, those are nice, but it's hard to keep going when all I get is weather. And not even all the time, by a long shot. Good things happen to lots of people, even people who don't seem nice, people who don't have a relationship with God, any of that stuff. Lots of people get what they really want. It's hard to accept, but nowhere is it said that if you're a good person, good things will happen. (Not to presume that I'm a good person. God knows I'm not, oh boy does he -- hence my love of and thankfulness for the sacrament of penance.) And God never, ever guaranteed earthly happiness for those who put their trust in him. (I don't think. I could easily be wrong, I am a Catholic after all, and don't know my bible very well.) God wants us to be happy, yes, but he wants our eternal happiness first and foremost. And eternal happiness is what really matters. Because when it comes down to it, every happiness we have on earth is temporal, and it will go away eventually. We need to put our happiness in God if we want any kind of lasting happiness at all. And it's hard to accept, for me, that placing my trust in God and his will for me does not mean that it's all going to be sunshine and roses. I do expect that eventually, whatever happens in my life, I'll have a sense of peace about things. And hopefully happiness, too. Because I'll be where God wants me to be. (I hope. I have no idea what God wants from me, though, and it's very likely that I could wander down a wrong path somewhere...did you know that it's hard to figure out his will? Maybe not for you. But for me, it definitely is.) This, right now, the past few years, and maybe a few more into the future, this is my Lent. Lent has to come before we get to Easter. There is darkness before there's light. But the light does come. Maybe for me it won't come for a long time. Maybe my Easter is still years away. But someday, somehow, in some shape, it'll get here. I do believe that.

And...um...I guess I should go through and make paragraphs now...and put those first two paragraphs I wrote (which have absolutely nothing to do with the rest of this post, because I had no idea I was going to be writing this tonight, although it makes sense since I have another paper due tomorrow and didn't get much sleep last night -- why wouldn't I waste my time complaining about my lack of a love life on my blog?) somewhere else, or delete them entirely. They're not interesting anyway. And...um...kudos to you if you made it through this post. Even more so if you come back ever again, or ever talk to me again...Oh, and again, really, congratulations to everyone who has found someone. It's a special and wonderful thing, so they tell me. Don't let me wet-blanket all over you. It's nice when people are happy. I just wish it would happen to me once in awhile. (I know, I know, I'm being dramatic and exaggeratory.) Man, I can write and write and write posts until my fingers bleed. But I can't end them well to save my life. Oh well.

Four more posts after this and I'm up to 1100

Today is March 25, which is also (normally) the feast of the Annunciation. (Did you notice that the Annunciation is nine months before Christmas? What a coincidence! Oh yeah, not really.) Sort of weird then that it's been moved to next week, but Easter trumps all. So yeah. Maybe Christmas this year should be January 1. Haha. Wouldn't that throw people for a loop. Ok apparently my calendar from the Basilica of the National Shrine, which has all the feast days and solemnities and optional memorials, etc (well I guess not all), it says that the Annunciation this year is April 1. But apparently when it falls during Easter Week (or Holy Week, maybe, or something) it's moved to the Monday after the second Sunday of Easter. Except when that Monday is the Feast of St. Joseph, which is a solemnity. But I think maybe that they moved that from March 19 to March 15 this year, instead of March 31 as apparently this calendar thought they'd do. I'm not sure, and I'm sort of confused by it all. But the point is, the Annunciation is next Monday, not next Tuesday. I think. Eh who cares. Well, I mean, I do care, but...yeah. Ok I'm done now.

What else, what else...Oh yeah, so today in CS Lewis we talked about the fourth book of the series (in published order, which, as I've mentioned many times before, is my preferred order. It just...it's so much better. That's all there is to it). Anyway. The fourth book is The Silver Chair. It's a good one. And, as I mentioned in a post I wrote over break, it is the book in which we meet a character named Puddleglum. He and I apparently share the same personality type. It made me happy reading the book. Even if his personality is described as a wet blanket at times. It all works out in the end. I like him.

So, I have a paper due tomorrow. I don't really think it's going to be that much of a pain to write, I just have to do it. I actually already have a bit written (go me!), but not nearly enough. It's hard to get motivation to write a paper when I know I'll have to do the same, but more, tomorrow night, and the next night. Three nights in a row, three classes, three papers. Thank God I'm not in the group who has to do a paper in CS Lewis this week. If that were the case I think I'd just have to find someone to switch with me, because man. No. (Although, I am slightly miffed that both of the weeks I have to do papers for that class, one of which has already passed, the nonfiction reading isn't even a CS Lewis reading. I don't like the way that worked out, and it seems unfair somehow. Especially because that other book from which both of those sections are taken is a really weird book that I just...it doesn't speak to me. I wish I could write a paper comparing CS Lewis' fiction with his nonfiction, instead of his fiction to someone else's nonfiction. I don't really see how that fits the point of the class at all. But whatever.) Anyway. Paper tomorrow. And Thursday. And Friday. Technically two Friday, but technically I've written one already, but technically I have to revamp it slightly extensively. Possibly. But also technically...I don't care that much. Except I kind of do, because I'd like to look not like an idiot to that prof. I've had it pretty easy in that "class" (directed readings) up till now, so whatever. I can take a bit of a spike in work these last four or five classes. (Hey, lucky me, Lost is officially on hiatus until April 24, so I won't even have that distraction on Thursday nights anymore! Except that's not really lucky because it was a favorite weekly social interaction of mine. Alas. I need to convince my friends somehow to be open to doing more than sitting in their apartments and/or going to the Backer every weekend night. Sad that only one of them (I think) likes bowling. Can't remember which one that is though.)

Talking about school is boring, though. Who really wants to hear about my paper saga? Once I get through this week I'll be golden for awhile. Another paper (aforementioned CS Lewis paper) due in two weeks or so, then the final history paper and the last philo paper due in a month, the last week of school. And finals. Someone said today that the history final is Monday of finals, so that's cool (although I think we're all agreed that it sucks that we have a final paper due the last day we have that class, and then a final as well. It's mean when teachers do that. Pick one or the other, dudes). I have that on Monday, and the CS Lewis on Friday. Sort of sucks having one on Friday (in case people want to road trip somewhere that weekend, or something, who knows), but I suppose it's not bad. Oh and apparently there's going to be some sort of presentation starting mid-April that we're going to have to do regarding our history papers...but he hasn't really explained at all what that's about yet. I'm dreading that. I've gotten by without having to do a single presentation or anything involving talking in front of a class since sophomore year. Not good for growth, but good for my stress and sanity levels. That's going to suck. The point is, though, that this is the worst week I'll have had pretty much all semester, and I don't anticipate another this bad either. So, I'll survive, and it'll be great. Even if my papers do suck. I'm over needing to get great grades. Too much stress to worry about that. Not like it'll matter much anyway, as long as I don't delve into the C range (and I seriously doubt that'll happen).

So. Beyond school. I really really, really really really, really really really really really want to get a dog. Obviously not for another two months. But when I get home, oh man. A dogless house is just so...empty. I have nothing else in my life, so a dog would be great. Yeah I guess it might depend on the job I get, as apparently puppies take some work (the last time we had puppies around I was eight, and thus I wasn't really in charge of much of that...nor do I remember a lot of it -- although I do remember when Kebbie was a puppy, one time she started peeing in the house, or looked like she was going to, so I picked her up to run her outside and in the process got pee on my pants. But man she was such a cute little furball, I'm sure I didn't care. What a dog she was). But seriously. I need a dog in my life. My dad is currently on week 2 of being home alone (last week, Sunday through Thursday, my mom was in Dallas on a work thing, and then she left yesterday afternoon for New Hampshire until probably next Monday, unexpectedly, because my grandmother had a heart attack Sunday night. I guess she -- my grandmother -- is doing surprisingly well now, but they're not sure when they'll release her from the hospital and then it'll be to some rehab center or something. Anyway. Prayers for her would be appreciated. She'll be 88 in June, so...she's pretty amazing. Am I a terrible person for adding this into a paragraph about my desire for a puppy? I hope not...I do really love my grandmother, I just didn't really want to talk about this because I don't often like to talk about real things, serious things. Just frivolously serious things, things that don't really matter. Anyway).

Back to the point. Dad's home alone. I'm sure it must be odd for him, at least it would be for me, considering he used to have a house with four kids, two dogs, two cats at one point. Numbers dwindled as we got older and pets got deader, and now it's just him and Mom most times (except when Susie, the soon-to-be graduated moocher, is around). I was thinking about it tonight, and at first I was thinking, "Oh at least he has a dog around, that's something." But no, no he doesn't. I mean, I didn't really think that he had a dog around, because rarely do I forget that Kebbie's no longer there. But I'm still in the mode of having pets in my life, because that's all I've ever known. He's the only living thing at my house this week. And last week. Etc. And perhaps he doesn't mind that (well, I'm sure he misses my mom, but I don't know that he terribly misses the pet part), because maybe he's just over having pets. But if it were me, that'd be so incredibly lonely. Nights when I'd be up late by myself (aka, every night) never bothered me, obviously, but when Kebbie would go up with Mom and Dad and sleep in their room, I liked those nights a little bit less. At least when she was sleeping on the family room floor, she was there, and I wasn't completely alone. I just...I don't want to live in a world without a dog. In a house without a dog. I don't know how many friends I'm going to have around this summer, this fall, etc. Most of my friends have moved on or are still in college elsewhere. Actually I keep in regular communication with very few friends from high school, really. It'd be so nice if I at least had a dog who needed me to spend lots of time with it, to give me something to do at the very least. I know it's pretty pointless talking about this now, as there's still two months before I can do anything about it. But it's been on my mind lately. I hope my parents cave and let me get one. The thought of buying and paying for a dog all on my own sort of excites me, too. Actually, to be honest, the thought of being self-sufficient with everything excites me. I very much dislike having my parents pay for anything. I really want to be able to pay for things myself. Obviously, being a poor college student with not much income makes that quite impossible at this point. But one of these days, I'll have a real job. And even though I might not be paying for rent and food, I can at least pay for most everything else myself. Someday, maybe a car. That'll be awesome. But probably a ways off...

I want a dog.

Speaking of two months away, isn't it weird how that can have different connotations depending on what you're talking about? Like, saying you have to wait two months to see someone sort of seems like a long time. Saying that you only have two months left of school, when you've been going to school for the past 18 years or so, seems rather...not long at all. It's weird. Know what else is weird? Graduation is a mere 7.5 weeks away (sorry fellow seniors who read this), and we still don't know who our graduation speaker is. Which means they don't have someone yet, which means it's going to be someone not good at all. Disappointing. I mean, if it's someone worth having, do you really think that they'd have an open spot in their schedule this close to the date? Sigh. Oh well. Martin Sheen will be there. And I don't mean the deacon who looks like him. Haha. Maybe they'll both be there.They should just have Martin Sheen speak. That'd be good enough for me. Whatever.

I want a dog.

Perhaps I should go finish that paper, eh? Chelsea Clinton is coming here tomorrow (speaking at Legends, the on campus bar/restaurant, which is odd enough -- but it's at 10:30am. Even odder. And with Sean Astin, which is really weird. I mean, yeah, he played Rudy and all, but what the heck does he have to do with the Clintons? I'd consider going, but...10:30? I don't have class until 11:45, which means that I don't have to be up until 10:30. I don't think Chelsea Clinton and Sean Astin are enough to make me want to wake up earlier than I have to. Maybe if it weren't a paper night.

But clearly, judging from this excessively long post (what the heck did I even write about?), it is. And it'll be the same story tomorrow night...and if I'm still alive Thursday night, then too. Woohoo!!! (That party I was invited to on Friday? I think I may be a bit too unconscious to attend. Right now I think I'll want to fall asleep sometime after my guitar lesson, if I even make it to that, and stay asleep until I have to wake up for work on Saturday at 2pm. Sounds fantabulously glorious to me.)

27 days...

27 days of school left, believe it or not. 5 Fridays (which are sort of school days for me, but not completely), and 11 each of T/Th and M/W classes. In those 27 days, I have: 2 philo papers to do, 1 rough draft and then a final draft of my history paper (and apparently some sort of presentation in there as well?), and one more CS Lewis paper. Oh, and 4 page reaction papers every week for directed readings (which, I think we only lined up four more weeks of readings, but it wouldn't surprise me if he came up with a fifth). And I'm not sure yet if I'll have some sort of overarching longer paper to do for that class. Probably, but he hasn't mentioned it yet. I'll also have a history final and a CS Lewis final, but those aren't in the 27 remaining school days.

But people, 8 weeks from this moment, I'll be graduated and probably on my way back to Colorado. Now, when it's called two months, somehow it doesn't really seem that close. But it's less than two months. And starting to call it "x weeks" makes it just...too close. But 8 weeks it is. At least, thankfully, it's only 6 weeks of school. And then study days, finals week (which, despite the fact that one of my two finals is on the last day of finals week -- again, as usual with me -- will be nice), and the lovely Senior Week. If we graduated the weekend finals were done...man that'd be stressful and not cool. But we get a whole week where it's just seniors around (and whatever freshman, sophomores, and juniors stay around to work various things during senior week) and we do fun things and get to relax. Mmm.

I have to be honest, though. Especially when I have a week like this one (4-5 pager due Wednesday, 10-12 page rough draft due Thursday -- I'm aiming for 8-9 pages right now, though, and then a 3-4 page reaction paper due Friday), just thinking about being home is sort of nice. Because when I'm home, that means I'll be done with this school thing. It means no more homework. It's a nice thought. I mean, even last summer I was taking classes. I haven't had a significant period of time without schoolwork in awhile. So...I am looking forward to that, much as I am reluctant to leave here for good, officially. I don't even want to think about that part. The not seeing on a regular basis, or even often, the friends I've made here part. The not being a part of campus and such part. The not being involved in whatever's going on here part. The missing it part. Man I'm going to miss seeing that dome. And hearing the bells of the Basilica. Sigh.

Well. As I mentioned, I have tons to do this week, so I best get to it (because, not only do I have to write those pages, I don't even know what on earth I'm going to write about...unfortunately).

Christ is Risen! Alleluia!

Christ the Lord is ris'n today, Alleluia!

All on earth with angels say, Alleluia!
Raise your joys and triumphs high, Alleluia!
Sing, O heav'ns, and earth reply, Alleluia!

Lives again our glorious King; Alleluia!
Where, O death, is now your sting? Alleluia!
Once he died our souls to save, Alleluia!
Where your victory, O grave? Alleluia!

Love's redeeming work is done, Alleluia!
Fought the fight, the battle won. Alleluia!
Death in vain forbids him rise; Alleluia!
Christ has opened paradise. Alleluia!

Soar we now where Christ has led, Alleluia!
Following our exalted Head; Alleluia!
Made like him, like him we rise, Alleluia!
Ours the cross, the grave, the skies. Alleluia! Amen!

Maybe every post from now on should include the word Basilica somewhere.

This story is so cool. Sometimes I really wish I had gone into marine biology, or something nature- or animal-related. But alas, I did not, and hopefully I wasn't meant to. Hopefully I was meant to be an unemployed bachelor-degreed theologian (not that I'd ever seriously consider myself a theologian).

Also, I hear tell that "they've" been discussing for awhile making a CD of the lit choir's Good Friday service. I think it'd be awesome to do a whole Triduum at the Basilica CD. Although it wouldn't be nearly as breathtaking as being there in person. Really, it's the whole package that gets to me -- the sights, the sounds, the smells. Anyway.

So a few of my friends from the dorm who stayed for break are going to Olive Garden for dinner and then seeing National Treasure 2 at the $2 theater. They asked me, but obviously I'm going to the Vigil. Sorta sad, because that sounds like fun. But I'd be kicking myself for a long time if I did that instead of attending, for the last time in my foreseeable future, the amazing finale of three of my favorite days of the year. Oh well.

Interestingly, I woke up today and looked out my window, half-expecting to see a blanket of snow. What I did see includes no clouds and no snow at all (I think we got some rain last night that took care of most of whatever snow had accumulated). It's still going to be a chilly day, and chillier night, but perhaps, just maybe, we'll escape today unsnowed. And that would be really nice considering I'm going to have to wait at least a little while outside the Basilica, as I plan on going and getting in line before they open the doors (I did this last year as well and still ended up much closer to the back than the front. It's crazy). Man that's going to be one cold wait. I guess I'm a glutton for punishment. But it's so so worth it. I mean, as far as someone can be in love with a building (and I tend to think a person can be more in love with a church than, say, a bank), I am so in love with the Basilica and all it includes. Mmm.

I slept in until 1 today. Went to bed a bit late (what else is new) thanks in part to a lovely headache I got last night. Also because I was knitting up a storm for most of the evening in an attempt to finish my shawl for tonight, as it is going to be cold and my dress isn't exactly what you could call warm. Or long-sleeved. So. (Good news is, I'm nearing a length that I would be happy with. I still need to work on it some more though, which will probably be what I do most of the rest of the day. I'm cool like that.) But here's the awesome thing about my sleeping in until one, which gave me 10 full hours of sleep: I didn't wake up at all in the morning prior to one pm! Lately, often, many mornings I wake up 2, 3 times before my alarm goes off. At like 7, 8am. I realize to normal people that's not terribly early, but when you're not planning on getting up until 10ish, it sort of is (because you probably didn't go to bed at a time that would make 7 or 8 result in nearly enough sleep). But yeah, waking up and tossing and turning lots in the morning just gets irritating. So I was very excited that I didn't have that problem at all today. It was nice.

Anyway. I'm gonna go take a shower and try to finish my old lady shawl and stuff. And get excited for the vigil tonight! Yay!

Good Friday

I probably shouldn't be posting today, but I'm trying to keep everything else pretty subdued today. All I really wanted to say, though, is that I have the Trisagion that we sang at the Good Friday liturgy this afternoon stuck in my head.

And I love it. The words are pretty simple, but powerful ("Holy God, Holy and mighty One, Holy and immortal One, have mercy on us"), and we sing it in Greek, Latin, French, Spanish, and English (choir does each first then we all repeat), and each time the presider holds the cross up, facing a different direction each language. What really gets me, though, is the haunting harmonies that the choir does. Strikes right to the heart (they're really good at that).

So...that's cool.

Also, it's snowing. And cold. Of course. Oh well. Oh and, after seeing lots of people who were there even sooner than I was today (I got to the Basilica at 1:30 for a 3:00 liturgy, and it was still fairly empty which was nice) sitting in pews reading books and such, I decided I'm going to do that tomorrow. I sort of thought it'd be weird, because I've considered it before. But I guess if I bring something like my Scott Hahn book, it'd be ok. (I'd certainly feel odd reading something like whatever book I'm currently reading from the Anne of Green Gables series. Although I probably wouldn't feel weird reading the next Chronicles of Narnia book we'll be discussing Tuesday...)

Well, that's all I've got for today.



(Ok I lied, two and a half hours later. I watched The Passion after getting away from the computer. Well, I had started it earlier today, before I went to church, but didn't get all that far. So I finished it tonight. And what with the combination of that, and today's liturgy -- not exactly beautiful, but perfect in what it should be -- and yesterday's, I'm just feeling it so much. Wonderfully, painfully, awesomely. It's incomprehensibly amazing what Jesus did for us. There's no way I can get across what I'm truly feeling about it all right now, but...it blows me away sometimes when I actually let it all hit me. It's not just some nice story with a good moral at the end. It really happened. And we get to participate in it every year. And as hard as it may be to sit there and realize that it was, that it is our sin that put Jesus in that position, it just makes the wonder of the Easter Vigil and Easter Sunday that much more glorious. It's humbling to remember that God said no to his Son, when asked to find another way. And Jesus readily accepted this answer. Who am I to complain when God says no to me for some inconsequential, not nearly as painful experience when compared to the suffering Jesus endured? To appreciate Easter, to understand just what it means, we have to meditate on what yesterday and today are. They're not just days that happen to come before Easter. They are why Easter comes. Both need each other, really. It's a thing so far beyond wonderful that there's not even a word for it.

Anyway. Just some thoughts. I think I'm done now.)

Melancholic...

I really shouldn't be feeling this way (or perhaps I should), but all of a sudden, just now, I got sad to the point of almost tears about the Triduum at the Basilica. Freshman year I went home for Easter. I forget why, exactly, but sophomore year I decided to stay. And now you wouldn't be able to pay me to go home instead of staying here. I fell in love. Hard. It's no secret that the Basilica knows how to do a beautiful liturgy (some better than others, but at least there are options). I'd say, not really having any other experience beyond here and home, that the Triduum liturgies here are among the most beautiful and reverent of anywhere in the country. I can't imagine how it could be done more wonderfully. Today was Holy Thursday, which meant a packed house, but I managed to get a seat for myself and for Bethany in the main section towards the back. It's not a short Mass (although, at an hour and a half, it's pretty much as long as a regular Mass back home -- and with lots more things going on and many more times the number of people), but it's lovely. It starts with the procession, which includes a great number of priests. And lots and lots of incense. Very beautiful, very reverent, and gorgeous music.

Then there's the Liturgy of the Word and all that, pretty much a typical Mass. Then the washing of the feet, which consists of 12 people up on the steps leading to the altar, and the priest washes their feet. (None of the "Everyone go get your feet washed!" craziness that happens, or at least used to, back home. No idea if they still do that.) Lovely, reverent music throughout. Then there's the Liturgy of the Eucharist, which is also pretty typical (except it's awesome to see the longer line of people who bring up the hosts and wine that will be consecrated -- it's a lot of hosts and wine). It's amazing how quickly they can get through giving everyone Communion when the church is packed. And I love love love when all the EMs are priests and only priests (or deacons). It's how it should be. (But I know, being at the Basilica, with a great many priests easily on hand to be there, isn't a typical experience of the vast majority of parishes. Sadly.) Anyway.

After that, after that comes my favorite part. The procession of the Eucharist. Talk about all glory, laud, and honor. All the priests process down the main aisle, following two altar servers carrying big banners, and then people (in white altar server robes), maybe 12 or so, all carrying candles on these sticks (I think these people might be called torch bearers, but I'm not sure. Might just be light bearers. Either way, it's cool), then two altar servers (although they might be called something else...they wear cassocks and such, so are distinguished from others) who both have censers (I think that's what they're called...I really wish I knew more of the church lingo like that, but alas, my church was fairly sparse on all that stuff) -- the things that are held with incense in it, to incense everything. Anyway. There's two guys who each have one, walking side by side, and they switch off walking backwards and incensing the presider who's holding the rest of the Eucharist to be used tomorrow, so that there's a constant stream of incense going on. And then comes Fr. Rocca (the Basilica rector), the deacon (who today was the deacon who looks like Martin Sheen, which causes me no end of enjoyment for some reason -- I don't like Martin Sheen that much), and the presider. Who's wearing some extra garment to keep the Eucharist covered and all that. Anyway. So they go down the main aisle, past the font, turn left and go up the side aisle on the right of the church, and then go all the way back to the tabernacle. Actually I think they go to the Lady Chapel in the very back. But there's a large tabernacle in the way so I have no idea what goes on at that point. All I know is, during the whole thing we're singing the Pange Lingua, on our knees, and I'm in heaven. It is so moving, and so beautiful, and so wonderful. And then we all depart in silence. Theoretically. But yeah.

And then tonight at 11 they did Tenebrae, as always, which is also quite lovely. I'm so incredibly spoiled by this place. I hate the thought that next year I have no idea what I'm going to get. I have no idea where I'll be. It's obvious that I need to find a new church, one that doesn't cause me to wince throughout Mass (and yes, I know to an extent it's my own fault and that I have high expectations which may never be quite fulfilled again). But I have no idea where to go. It's easy to find a parish when you don't really care, when all you're looking for is a mainstream Catholic Mass. It's when you want to find a nice, lovely, beautiful, traditional, orthodox Mass that you run into problems. At least, in my experience, in Colorado Springs. I think I could find it in Denver. I know I could. If I lived anywhere near DC, I'm sure it wouldn't be difficult. I've heard of some lovely places in Michigan. And Minnesota. But Colorado Springs? Not exactly a bastion of Catholicism. It's sad. I'm sad. This is my last chance, as far as I know, to get an Easter liturgy that really speaks to me, that moves me nearly to tears. (And, sadly, yet again I'm finding myself probably having to go to Good Friday service and the Easter Vigil alone. Regular Masses alone aren't a big deal for me. But these? I wish I had someone to go with. Especially since I have to go so early to get a seat, and then I'm just sitting there for an hour and a half while people get to sit with friends and family. But sadly most people I know prefer to leave Easter Mass to Sunday. The Vigil is too long for them. It's like the best two and a half hours of my life, though.) And yes, I dislike the fact that I feel this way because it's Easter, it's the Triduum no matter where I go. That's what matters, really. But...I just hate that I'm leaving this church. I love this place. I've grown so much spiritually over the last four years, much of it because of the Basilica. And I don't want to leave that or lose it.

I'm loving this (this is my St. Patrick's Day -- everyone else on campus looks forward to that day with great anticipation, and goes crazy. I look forward to this, and go crazy but in a different way. And by that I mean I spend lots of time at church...which is really where I love to be). I really am. I just can't help but think about where I'll be in a year, and how I'll be celebrating then. (And will there even be incense? I miss incense when I'm home. I go to church here and come back with my hair smelling of it, my clothes, everything. It's better than any perfume I could buy. They know how to do incense right here. After the Mass today the whole church had a bit of a smoky tint to it. I love it.)

Sorry. I'm done now. Have a...contemplative? Good Friday, everyone.

In case I didn't make it clear...

My dad is pretty much fantastic. He probably doesn't get as much love on here as my mom, for the simple fact that I talk to my mom a lot more often, my mom and I are pretty close (the whole mother/daughter thing, and I'm just more comfortable talking to her about some things, etc, even if she does just go tell my dad later anyway. I don't know that she does, but it wouldn't surprise or bother me). Sometimes my dad might get on my nerves, but everyone does. I'm sure I get on his, too. But the simple fact is he's awesome. We're by no means rich, but he entertains no thoughts of kicking me out, leaving me to fend for myself come graduation. He's been more than helpful with the cost of going to this wonderful school (of course, he encouraged that -- he offered to pitch in more money if I went here than he would have had I gone elsewhere), and is helping with some loans for which I'll have to pay him back eventually. And while I do plan on bothering him, nicely and subtly (maybe), to let me get a puppy once I get back, if he absolutely puts his foot down I guess I'll be ok with letting it rest. For awhile. Because I don't want to be more of a burden than I am. And he's pretty great, so I'd rather not alienate myself from him. And, like I said in that other post (and dude, I did not realize how long it really is! Man. I suck), while talking to him last night he made me feel better about my GPA situation. Sometimes I wish I had done better in college for the simple fact that I want my parents to be able to brag and feel proud, but I know that they're proud enough of me. He also told me not to freak out about my current jobless situation. I really do appreciate that. It's hard, if you don't have an in somewhere, to do a really good job search when you're nowhere near the city in which you're searching. (Not to mention the fact that most places I'm looking don't really want to wait two months to fill current open positions. Slight problem.)

Anyway. My dad. He's really just a wonderful father, and I'm lucky to have him. (And he loves my mom. And what kid doesn't want that in a father? Hehe.) Thanks, Dad.

I'm certainly not prone to succinctness...

So, I have about five posts I've started and then didn't feel like finishing. Obviously none are very interesting. There's one discussing the fact that I didn't realize when I had made my 1000th post on this thing (happened back in January), one about...I don't even know. Definitely one I started last night complaining about loans, and how I'm going to be paying them off forever (but my dad did make me feel a bit better about that last night...and he made me feel better about my GPA, and what I have to get this semester to keep a 3.5, and in his wonderfulness he made me feel not at all like a loser/slacker about my lack of a job or the fact that I'll be moving home in two months. In fact, he said that when I leave, it'll be because I can't stand it anymore, not because they kick me out. My parents like me. :-) Of course, then I said he might kick me out when I get a puppy against his wishes. But I think I'll be able to wear him down on that issue sooner or later...I hope...). Just didn't feel like hitting publish on that one.

Actually, the more I think about it, the more I realize that lately I've been wanting to blog, but then I get here and just...don't feel like doing it. Like now. Hm. Maybe I'm getting sick of it. So here's a bulleted list of what's running around in my head. (Who am I kidding. I'm incapable of doing simply bullets. So nevermind.)

I went to Mass tonight (and yay for me, I've gone every day this week, so at least I can feel good about that). Confession lines have been longer this week. It's a good thing. Normally there'll be a few people there before the 5:15 Mass (there are confessions every day in the Basilica starting a half hour before the 11:30 daily Mass, the 5:15 Mass, and at 7pm), but they'll all have gotten through by the time Mass starts, usually. This week, though, people have been standing there waiting the entirety of Mass. I mean, the line moves, but yeah. I don't know if it's technically liturgically licit to have confessions going on during Mass (I don't really understand why it wouldn't be, but I've heard something about how it's not supposed to happen...I don't know. I think that as long as there is a need for it, and clearly this week for sure there is, it shouldn't matter, but maybe there's something I'm not aware of. What do I know, though), but yeah. Good stuff.

Oh so I couldn't go to confession before Mass today because I had to work until 5, so I went to Mass, went to dinner, and then went to the 7pm confession time. There weren't that many people there when I got there (right around 7), I think three or four in front of me, with priests in both confessional boxes on the left side of the church. But then I guess lots more showed up that I didn't notice (I mean, I noticed a few people right behind me, but then the line bent around the corner so I couldn't see that far back. And I didn't try, either, because that's weird). But when I got out of confession, they had just added a priest I guess in one of the boxes on the right side of the church, and a bunch of people were going over to that side. The RCIA people were doing some sort of rehearsal, so at first I thought that the people going from the left to right side of the church were them, because there were a fair number, but then I realized it was people waiting for confession. It was a pretty big number, as far as a regular confession time goes. Probably because today's the last day it's available...they might have the regular 11am time tomorrow, but I don't think there's confession before the Holy Thursday Mass (I could be wrong), and everyone wants to get in before the Triduum. Can't blame 'em, it's a good time to go. So that was sort of nice to see (although, I'm sure I would have felt differently had I been in the back of that line...). Confession is good. Very underrated. Under appreciated. It's such a good thing, really. Anyway. Not to pressure anyone. I definitely recommend it, though. Not easy, but worth it.

Oh and last night I did the campus wide stations. I was worried during the day that it was going to get canceled, or moved inside (it was supposed to start at 7, but if they moved it inside due to weather, it wouldn't start until 8 or 8:30 because, obviously, much less distance to cover between stations...). I didn't want to go if it was inside, because...I don't really know why. But yeah. It was misty all day, but it had cleared up to being just cloudy, mostly, by the time it started. I almost half-wished it was canceled, because I had gotten thinking that it would be and then the idea of staying in last night just sounded so nice, much nicer than going to do stations of the cross...I almost didn't even want to go down to the Grotto to see if they were doing it. But I did, and they were, and as soon as I got to the stairs at the Grotto and saw everyone with their candles waiting for it to start, I was happy and glad it was going on and that I had gone. Of course. That's always how things are with me. I get myself thinking of all the nicer relaxing things I could be doing instead of this other thing, and talk myself out of wanting to do them, and then when I do fight it and go do the other thing, I end up being really glad I did. It's never good when I talk myself out of things.

Anyway. So I did that. It wasn't terribly cold when I left my room, maybe mid-30s or so, but I definitely didn't dress very well. It would have been fine if I had just been walking to class or something, just being outside for a little while, but for being outside over two hours, while the sun's going down and then is down, and it's damp outside...didn't work too well. I was very cold. And I hadn't thought about the hand situation -- that I'd be holding a candle and the program thing with the song we sang between each station, and thus my hands couldn't be in my pocket or anything. My fingers were more frozen than they've been in a very long time by the end. I hadn't even thought about the fact that I might need gloves. (The 14th station was inside the Basilica, and at one point they asked us to stand up and -- ugh -- "join hands" for the Our Father, and I felt so bad for the two people on either side of me. I knew neither, and my hands were still very cold. Theirs were at least warmer than mine, so I benefited from it because their warmth helped my hands really defrost. But it probably wasn't too pleasant for them.) But anyway. It was quite lovely, and I was very glad that I got to experience it one more time, and that I had made myself go. Good stuff. See, we're not all bad here at Notre Dame. We do have some good, nice, liturgical stuff going on.

What else...ah yes. I made a new playlist tonight on my Windows Media. After I got back from confession (around 7:30) I stopped in a friend's room. Ended up talking to her until almost 10. I got back to my room and turned on the TV, because for some reason that's what I do. My Big Fat Greek Wedding is on, which is an enjoyable movie, but after like ten minutes I realized that I just didn't want to watch TV, and didn't know why I was. And I thought how nice it'd be to listen to Josh Groban. So I was just going to listen to him, but thought I could add a little variety. So my playlist. It's all the Josh Groban music I have (minus, sadly, his Christmas album. But I just can't do that), plus the one Andrea Bocelli CD I have, plus the two Celtic Women CDs I have (and I discovered that apparently I never burned their Christmas CD onto my laptop. Weird), and also my two Norah Jones CDs. So, in other words, it's pretty much like the best playlist ever. I would have added my Enya music if some of it weren't all scratchy and messed up. I considered putting Michael Buble on there, but he's too bouncy in a lot of songs to fit into this playlist very well. So. That's my excitement of tonight. Sad? Maybe. But I'm ok with it.

I'm trying to decide if I should go to my second class tomorrow...I have one at two that I'm going to (reluctantly, but I don't have a good reason not to...), and then one that goes from 3:30-4:45. Holy Thursday Mass starts at 5. And if you want a seat, it's necessary to get there somewhat early. So I sent my prof an email to ask him if he'd maybe let us out early, and he replied that he's going to aim for 4:30. Which, ok, that might be enough time...but I don't know. I'd prefer to get there at like 4 or 4:15. But I also don't want to miss anything important he might be telling us tomorrow...sigh. There's a number of people in that class who are in the folk choir, which is the choir that's singing tomorrow's Mass so apparently they have to be at the Basilica (or wherever) at four. So if they go at all, they're not staying very long. And I bet a lot of people won't be there because they left early, etc, for break. I just wonder if it'll be worth it. Seems more logical if he'd just cancel tomorrow. Sigh. I don't know. Oh well. I'll just figure it out tomorrow I guess.

(Speaking of school: Next week I have a 4-5 pager due in my philo class on Wednesday, a...I'll say I'm aiming for 9 page rough draft of my research paper in history due on Thurs (he agreed to move it to Thurs because Tues is the day we get back from break and stuff), and then I found out today that for the remainder of the semester, I'm going to be having to do reaction papers for all the readings I do for directed readings. It's only like four or five more sessions, but yeah. Just a bit of added fun. And he told me today exactly what he wants in those reaction papers -- 3-4 pages, not bad really -- and what he wants isn't exactly what I did with the one paper I did for our last session. Which had to be canceled and rescheduled for next Friday. So for next Friday I have to fix that one and do the next one (plus read the next reading). So...bleh. But I guess I can't complain too much, really. I just like to. It's just a lot of writing next week, and that history paper is really freaking me out. I was talking to people in class yesterday, and I think most of us are feeling the same thing: This one website he wants us to use as our primary source, which has lots of interviews and such compiled from 1936-40, it's making it hard to get a good thesis or argument, especially one that'll lend itself to a 10-12 page final paper. I'm glad I'm not the only one having these issues. I just wish he would change it so we wouldn't be so stuck to that one website. Sigh. Grr. Whatever.)

Interesting. So you know prenups, and how they're not exactly looked upon favorably in the Church? Apparently there's something of a possible exception in the case of remarriage upon the death of a first spouse, in the interest of protecting assets (or whatever) of children from that first marriage. By the way, no-fault divorces are ridiculous. It seems crazy that they exist. Divorce sucks, and it sucks that it's become so commonplace. (But then, a lot of things that have become commonplace pretty much suck in my mind, so yeah.)

So, thinking about applying for jobs and such...I hate thinking about it. I know no one likes the application process, but I sort of think I might have almost a phobia of the whole thing. Comes from years of being continually rejected almost every time I apply for almost anything. I suppose it could, at this point at least, be partially a self-fulfilling prophecy (I don't feel at all confident when I do an application, and somehow that's obvious and comes across to the potential employer, and then they don't want me, etc), but it's bad. Last summer definitely didn't help. I think it's part of the reason I didn't apply to grad school. I just never think I'm good enough to get accepted, to get hired, etc, so what's the point? (Now's the time for that lovely cliche, you miss 100% of the chances you don't take.) I don't know what it is. But it seriously freaks me out. I wish I had more confidence. Or reason to feel confident. I don't really know at what point every ounce of self-confidence left me (or if I had any to begin with), but I know that I really have a very low supply of self-confidence. In almost any situation. I really wish it were different, but it's sort of hard to say to yourself "Ok, I'm just going to be confident" and then...have confidence. I guess it's possible, but I haven't had much luck up to now. Doesn't help that I get rejected by things a lot...and even more often in my head...

Sigh.

Ok. Well this is long. Obviously longer than I had intended it. I don't know why I ever "intend" short posts, because that never seems to happen...hm. Oh well. You all choose to read this, so it's your own fault if you've kept up to this point in the post.

(And speaking of posts in progress, I'm on my way to writing a semi-serious one. About God and stuff. Maybe. I might start writing it and decide it's just not working, or it might. We'll just have to wait and see. So if you don't see it in the next week or so...it's probably not coming. Haha. Not that anyone cares. What I have to say isn't really all that interesting. Never is.)

Oh...right.

So, being from dry sunny Colorado, I seem to have forgotten that along with warmer temperatures out here in Indiana comes higher humidity. Today perhaps is something of an exception, considering it's been misty and such all day, but still, the humidity is 89% right now. With temps in the mid-40s, which is nice enough (but somehow ruined by the rest of the weather...Yes, I am complaining about clouds. Hard to believe, I know). It's just irritating to get inside a building and immediately feel the need to strip down. I walk quickly enough that I get a nice breeze going while I'm moving, but once I stop, I get really hot. And sweaty. It happens, ok?

Oh well. At least I know that I have Colorado, where "high humidity" is 30%. (At least, in my head.)

Teacher's pet? No. Employer's pet? Maybe.

So, um...dang I forgot what I was going to say now. I hate it when that happens. Man seriously, this is going to bother me...Ah! I remember!

I had work tonight, right? I work at the Huddle, which employs students who need spending money and local people who...can't get work elsewhere? Have made terrible life decisions? Not sure. But it's mostly students doing the register during normal hours of the day. And the students are managed by student managers who range from sophomores to seniors. There are regular managers who are the main managers, obviously, but for the most part we students deal with the student managers when there are problems or questions, etc. The point is that it's not exactly a professional establishment, I guess. Stakes are low. Not a lot of motivation to work hard or well. We aren't supposed to be sitting there doing homework or anything, or having friends come up and talk to us for half our shifts. I guess they (the managers) want to give the illusion that we care about our jobs. And for the most part, I do want to do well. I like to follow rules, even when they suck. I don't like to buck the trend, or go against what I'm supposed to be doing. So I get a little annoyed when I'm sitting there working on one side of the registers, and the person on the other side has a friend there talking to him most of the overlapping hour when we're both working. Because you know what that does? It causes people to come to my side, end up having to wait because no one's going over to the other side because the other side has a guy talking to his friend. So I have to work harder while he's sitting there chatting.

Now, it's not a pleasant job. Sometime it's mind-numbingly boring and unbelievably long (even though it's only two hours per shift. Sometimes those two hours go by verrrrry slooowwwwwly). But I still want to be a good, pleasant cashier to the people who come in and buy stuff. Although I'll admit, I lose a little of that desire when someone comes up to me talking on the phone, basically ignoring my existence. Or when there's two people about to get to my register who start getting into an almost yelling match. Um, sort of awkward. (That happened for the first time tonight. And the girl -- it was a girl and a guy -- was getting some wall candy, which is candy you scoop out from different containers and put in a little bag to get weighed, and she was eating some of it in front of me. I hadn't weighed the bag yet. Basically, eating the candy before it's weighed amounts to stealing. It's not like it's much or anything, but still. Come on. Don't do it right in front of me. The Huddle might be ridiculously overpriced, but they still need to make money too.) I don't know. I like to do a good job with places I'm working. I tried doing my best at Wilsons even though I hated it, and am by far not a very good salesperson. I want to please people. So I just don't get it when people are unnecessarily lazy at their jobs, or just don't even try to do well. (I do have to say that doing homework during a shift when there's a big test tomorrow or something is slightly different. If I'm working with someone in that situation, I don't mind taking more people at my register. We are just students, after all, primarily.)

I'm not quite sure of the point of this post. The funny thing is, while I may want to try to do well a jobs where I work, that somehow doesn't seem to carry over to school...I wonder why that is. Maybe I want to please others more than I want to please myself? And school is basically a selfish (not in a bad way) endeavor? I don't know.

Speaking of school though, lots of reading to do tonight. Best get to it.