Mother's Day isn't generally my favorite day of the year. Going to church can sometimes be hard on the best of days, but it's definitely not great when the priest does the whole "Stand and be recognized if you're one of those lucky ones with kids" thing. I've had some priests who do their best to include more (I know last year my priest included others like godmothers, which was nice), but the whole thing is just so fraught with complicated emotions for so many people, and I just wish priests didn't feel the need to do anything. Well, thankfully, this year the priest just threw in something at the end of Mass (a generic happy mother's day to all moms and people in that kind of role) without really singling out any specific group. It was nice. Especially this year, when I have a lot more complicated emotions surrounding my own childlessness and my surgery two days away.
Facebook/social media has been hard for me more often than not, for quite some time now. It's obviously gotten worse lately with things, and all these posts I see all the time that focus on how wonderful motherhood is, and how normal and natural it is, are just hitting me really really hard right now. Regardless of what happens with my surgery, I know children aren't a guarantee for me, in any sense. But I can't help feeling like I'll be a lesser kind of woman if I do lose my other ovary. (I KNOW THAT'S NOT TRUE.) I know that in our culture motherhood kind of gets a bad rap, hence all these articles showing how great it is, and how worth it it is even when it's really hard, and how to love your post-baby body and all that, and I know those are all valid things to praise and encourage, but on the other hand it kind of makes some (at least me) feel like you're a failure of a woman if you aren't even able to have those worries and concerns and stresses. I feel like a failure at everything in my life right now and it seems like I'm even failing at being a woman. And all the articles and groups and assumptions that equate Catholic woman with Catholic mother, it just...sucks.
I had some rough days last week, as I expected I would start to have about a week out from surgery. I'm actually doing semi-ok right now. I know if the worst happens it will suuuuuuck for a long time, and I'll probably always have sadness lingering around it (not to mention the whole...menopause at 31 thing), but I'll be ok. Eventually. Sort of. I have my faith. I know God is good, and I know he won't abandon me now. But it will suck. But it will be what it is and I'll be able to start dealing with it and moving forward. I don't know. I can't worry about it any more. I mean, I will, but there's no point. I've been asking for prayers like a crazy person (to the point that I feel like, dude, Susie, just stop, it's not that big a deal. But it is. Kind of. Anyway, when people ask if anyone has any prayer requests then why not tell them mine?). Someone in one of the facebook groups I'm in went to Fatima this weekend for the 100th anniversary celebration and asked ahead of time for prayer requests, so I asked prayers, and she prayed for them all there. I've been praying a novena (or two). I remembered this weekend that last year I was given a small vial of holy water from Lourdes (a few drops of which I had ahead of my surgery last year), so I'll be putting a few drops into my last drink tomorrow night before I have to stop drinking - and maybe I'll put a few on my abdomen for good measure? Anyway, point is, all I can do is pray and I've been praying so much I'm just hoping God will say yes out of sheer wearing down. There's something in the bible about that, right? Anyway, if he says no, I know that's just what he wants for me for some completely and seemingly inexplicable reason that will probably make sense by the time I get to heaven.
In any case, tomorrow I get to prepare for surgery. Pack a bag in case I have to stay, wash my sheets and do some other cleaning so I can at least feel better about that once I'm home, make sure I have all my pajama pants clean since I don't plan on wearing anything else for the rest of the week. I'll leave dealing with the result of the surgery once I know, you know, what it is.
And maybe once this is all over I'll be able to start writing about something else. Not sure what since my life isn't that exciting, but I'll see what I can figure out. I take a lot of pictures and post very few, so maybe I'll start putting them here every day even if I don't have anything to add about them. Or not. We'll see.
Anyway. If you happen to see this before Tuesday afternoon, pray for me? And hey even if you see it after, I'm sure I'll be able to use prayers then, too, because I generally could use them.
Sunday, May 14, 2017
Tuesday, May 02, 2017
In which I regress to my natural worrier state
I came across a podcast over the weekend that was so good to hear. It was about being single later in life than desired (podcast host was talking to a 29-year-old lady which, I know, soooo oooolllddddd, but when you've been wanting and dreaming about getting married since as far back as you can remember, and when you want kids and your fertile years are slipping away, and all your friends and non friends and everyone else your age is getting married and having babies, it does feel like a long time to wait. Especially since there's no guarantee there's an end date anywhere close in sight), and so much of what she said is exactly how I feel. It's always great to come across someone who really gets it, whatever it is for you. And it's nice, as someone who feels often overlooked as an older single person, sometimes especially within the Church, to feel like someone else is giving me a voice that's not often acknowledged. (NOT ALL CATHOLIC WOMEN ARE MOTHERS OR WIVES, and also "Catholic woman" is not synonymous with "Catholic wife" or "Catholic mother," and also not all single Catholics are in college.) (I think this is also a problem in the Christian world at large, too. Not Catholic-specific.) Also, an added bonus, is that I finally am starting to feel like this part of my life really IS good for me. Much as it pains me to say it, but God wants my holiness above all and this is how he's getting me there. I wish there were a different way, and I'm often telling God that I'm pretty sure I can grow in holiness with a husband and kids, but this is the way it is, and God loves me, and that's all I need. This has all been a very weird and unexpected benefit this month of potentially losing my fertility. (I MIGHT NOT AND MIGHT LOOK BACK ON THIS WHOLE MONTH AS ME BEING A HUGE DRAMA QUEEN ABOUT NOTHING. Though it's not really nothing. Anyway. I need to stop trying to apologize for having feelings about this. Sorry. haha.) Point is, yay God, and yay for wherever he's leading me to bring me closer to him, even though it hurts and sometimes it really, really sucks.
Related to being acknowledged as a person who exists: During one of the Triduum homilies - I don't think it was Chrism Mass, but possibly Holy Thursday? Less likely Good Friday but possibly; they all kind of ran together that week - Bishop Sheridan actually gave a shout out to the singles. Not literally "shout out" because boy would that be weird coming out of Bishop Sheridan's mouth, but he was mentioning priesthood and marriage, and made a specific point to include singles "whose examples of chastity and purity are greatly needed in this world." I probably shouldn't put quotes around that because I don't remember exactly how he said it, but it was definitely in that vein and some combination of at least some of those words, and was much appreciated by me if no one else. It was sort of an element of being single I hadn't thought about before - faithful single Catholics/Christians who are (ideally) following God's will for them and therefore not having sex are absolutely needed and rare examples in our culture today. Of course, he did use the word chastity and everyone is called to chastity regardless of their vocation or state in life, it just looks different depending on what that state/vocation is, but for singles chastity definitely means not having sex and other related things. And that example *is* super rare (because it's impossible to live without sex, you know) and is indeed needed to be seen as an actual thing that people do. Or, don't do. (Even among many single Catholics/Christians, unfortunately.) Though it's not quite as obvious how to *be* an example when it's a not doing something, as opposed to the witness of doing something. It'd be rather awkward and weird if I said to everyone I meet, "Hi, I'm Susie. I don't have sex because I'm not married and I love Jesus." That'd probably make me somewhat memorable, at least, so there is that. And of course there's a whole lot more to the single life than just not having sex. Obviously. All those "great things about being single!" you read about, like having lots more time to volunteer, or babysit your friends' kids for free all the time, or be available for anyone and everyone all the time forever, are also things about being single. Plus, traveling, because every person I know who's single has lots of opportunity and funds to travel whenever and wherever. Obviously I'm being a bit facetious and some of those things are legitimate, to an extent, but I do get tired of reading articles written by people who married when they were 23 telling single people how great single people have it because they can be the world's helpers with all their free time. [Side note: A lot of times I see other singles saying that one of the benefits of being single is not having to consult with someone else when it comes to making decisions, big or small. Am I the only person in the world who wants to get married almost SOLELY so I'll have someone else to help me make decisions? Ok, obviously not almost solely, but the decision-making factor is, for me, a big negative in the single life column, not a positive. End note.]
Ok I started to go a little off-track there, but it's true that being single and allowing God into all those places of loneliness and longing, and trusting him and his plan does make for a great relationship with him (when you let it). The chastity single people are called to, the saying no to certain fleshly things, allows us to be more open to saying yes to other things, to be open to other relationships, to give of ourselves to God and others. Following his plan even when it's painful and annoying and frustrating is good. Being able to devote more time to him and to say yes to more things because I am single without a lot of responsibilities is good. Being single sucks (I mean, it really does, though I suppose in varying degrees depending on the person, and I guess some people legitimately feel called to staying single and hey, good for them), but God is very good.
You know, during my holy hour last week (if you're not regularly going to adoration might I suggest you try to do so? I'm not saying that every week is some kind of magical mystical experience, but being quiet and in the physical presence of Jesus for even just an hour a week will affect you for your good even if you don't realize it), I had this sense that Jesus was really excited I was there. Not that he's not always happy to see anyone who's come to spend time with him, and I'm sure he's always more than delighted when I'm there, but last week I just had this very strong sense that he was actually excited to see me. Like when you're visiting with a really good friend, and it's just good to be in his or her presence because you find that person delightful. It felt like that. He was overjoyed that I was spending time with him, and even if I probably definitely don't usually use that time as well as I could, I'm still there with him, and he's there with me, and I can look at him and he can look into my heart and it's just...peace. Being loved by Jesus is the greatest thing this life can give us, and the best part is he's always there waiting to let us love him. He's not going to force himself but boy, when we make even the slightest move toward him, you'd better believe he's going to run over like the prodigal son's father did. It's pretty fantastic.
Somewhat related to that thought: Yesterday I happened to see Bishop Barron's Catholicism episode that focused on a few saints who model holiness and openness to God in different ways, specifically Edith Stein, Katharine Drexel, St. Therese, and Mother Theresa. I knew at least parts of most of their stories (though I didn't know a great deal about Katharine Drexel, who seems pretty great), but Bishop Barron recounted something St Therese had said at one point. She was comparing herself to some of the great intellectual saints that had gone before her, and knew she wouldn't be able to take the same path to heaven and holiness that they did. (I'm really badly trying to remember how he put it, so this is probably only about 37% accurate to how she said it.) Instead, she said that as a little child, she couldn't follow them and their lofty - and admirable - intellectualism as they climbed up the mountain of holiness to God, but all she had to do was lift up her arms to him like a child for her father, and he'd reach down and pick her up, and she'd end up making it higher than the rest of them. Here's a #badcatholic confession of mine, but despite years of trying, I've yet really to identify much with or understand the great devotion to St. Therese. I mean, I get the appeal, I think, but she and I just haven't become friends in the way that lots of Catholics I know have become friends with her or in the way I've become friends with certain other saints. But I really liked the way she put that image of God reaching down to lift her up. We all get to holiness in different ways, and that's definitely one of them!
I couldn't figure out how to end this because it's kind of all over the place, and then today at adoration I started feeling like it's all going to come crashing down on me, maybe once my surgery is over and whatever is going to happen happens, and I'll lose whatever this is that I've gained over the last month. I guess it's good, though, that I'm aware of the possibility and watching out for it, because it's when we're not paying attention that the devil does his best work at getting into those cracks to help the crumbling commence. What's harder is figuring out how to keep him out when sometimes his words can be so seductive and seem so true (even though I know they're not!). I'm having a loooot of that tonight about a lot of things. So...Imma just leave this here. Without going back to re-read and edit if necessary, whether for grammar (ha, like I'd need that) or content. So if it don't make no sense, sorrynotsorry. Yo.
Related to being acknowledged as a person who exists: During one of the Triduum homilies - I don't think it was Chrism Mass, but possibly Holy Thursday? Less likely Good Friday but possibly; they all kind of ran together that week - Bishop Sheridan actually gave a shout out to the singles. Not literally "shout out" because boy would that be weird coming out of Bishop Sheridan's mouth, but he was mentioning priesthood and marriage, and made a specific point to include singles "whose examples of chastity and purity are greatly needed in this world." I probably shouldn't put quotes around that because I don't remember exactly how he said it, but it was definitely in that vein and some combination of at least some of those words, and was much appreciated by me if no one else. It was sort of an element of being single I hadn't thought about before - faithful single Catholics/Christians who are (ideally) following God's will for them and therefore not having sex are absolutely needed and rare examples in our culture today. Of course, he did use the word chastity and everyone is called to chastity regardless of their vocation or state in life, it just looks different depending on what that state/vocation is, but for singles chastity definitely means not having sex and other related things. And that example *is* super rare (because it's impossible to live without sex, you know) and is indeed needed to be seen as an actual thing that people do. Or, don't do. (Even among many single Catholics/Christians, unfortunately.) Though it's not quite as obvious how to *be* an example when it's a not doing something, as opposed to the witness of doing something. It'd be rather awkward and weird if I said to everyone I meet, "Hi, I'm Susie. I don't have sex because I'm not married and I love Jesus." That'd probably make me somewhat memorable, at least, so there is that. And of course there's a whole lot more to the single life than just not having sex. Obviously. All those "great things about being single!" you read about, like having lots more time to volunteer, or babysit your friends' kids for free all the time, or be available for anyone and everyone all the time forever, are also things about being single. Plus, traveling, because every person I know who's single has lots of opportunity and funds to travel whenever and wherever. Obviously I'm being a bit facetious and some of those things are legitimate, to an extent, but I do get tired of reading articles written by people who married when they were 23 telling single people how great single people have it because they can be the world's helpers with all their free time. [Side note: A lot of times I see other singles saying that one of the benefits of being single is not having to consult with someone else when it comes to making decisions, big or small. Am I the only person in the world who wants to get married almost SOLELY so I'll have someone else to help me make decisions? Ok, obviously not almost solely, but the decision-making factor is, for me, a big negative in the single life column, not a positive. End note.]
Ok I started to go a little off-track there, but it's true that being single and allowing God into all those places of loneliness and longing, and trusting him and his plan does make for a great relationship with him (when you let it). The chastity single people are called to, the saying no to certain fleshly things, allows us to be more open to saying yes to other things, to be open to other relationships, to give of ourselves to God and others. Following his plan even when it's painful and annoying and frustrating is good. Being able to devote more time to him and to say yes to more things because I am single without a lot of responsibilities is good. Being single sucks (I mean, it really does, though I suppose in varying degrees depending on the person, and I guess some people legitimately feel called to staying single and hey, good for them), but God is very good.
You know, during my holy hour last week (if you're not regularly going to adoration might I suggest you try to do so? I'm not saying that every week is some kind of magical mystical experience, but being quiet and in the physical presence of Jesus for even just an hour a week will affect you for your good even if you don't realize it), I had this sense that Jesus was really excited I was there. Not that he's not always happy to see anyone who's come to spend time with him, and I'm sure he's always more than delighted when I'm there, but last week I just had this very strong sense that he was actually excited to see me. Like when you're visiting with a really good friend, and it's just good to be in his or her presence because you find that person delightful. It felt like that. He was overjoyed that I was spending time with him, and even if I probably definitely don't usually use that time as well as I could, I'm still there with him, and he's there with me, and I can look at him and he can look into my heart and it's just...peace. Being loved by Jesus is the greatest thing this life can give us, and the best part is he's always there waiting to let us love him. He's not going to force himself but boy, when we make even the slightest move toward him, you'd better believe he's going to run over like the prodigal son's father did. It's pretty fantastic.
Somewhat related to that thought: Yesterday I happened to see Bishop Barron's Catholicism episode that focused on a few saints who model holiness and openness to God in different ways, specifically Edith Stein, Katharine Drexel, St. Therese, and Mother Theresa. I knew at least parts of most of their stories (though I didn't know a great deal about Katharine Drexel, who seems pretty great), but Bishop Barron recounted something St Therese had said at one point. She was comparing herself to some of the great intellectual saints that had gone before her, and knew she wouldn't be able to take the same path to heaven and holiness that they did. (I'm really badly trying to remember how he put it, so this is probably only about 37% accurate to how she said it.) Instead, she said that as a little child, she couldn't follow them and their lofty - and admirable - intellectualism as they climbed up the mountain of holiness to God, but all she had to do was lift up her arms to him like a child for her father, and he'd reach down and pick her up, and she'd end up making it higher than the rest of them. Here's a #badcatholic confession of mine, but despite years of trying, I've yet really to identify much with or understand the great devotion to St. Therese. I mean, I get the appeal, I think, but she and I just haven't become friends in the way that lots of Catholics I know have become friends with her or in the way I've become friends with certain other saints. But I really liked the way she put that image of God reaching down to lift her up. We all get to holiness in different ways, and that's definitely one of them!
I couldn't figure out how to end this because it's kind of all over the place, and then today at adoration I started feeling like it's all going to come crashing down on me, maybe once my surgery is over and whatever is going to happen happens, and I'll lose whatever this is that I've gained over the last month. I guess it's good, though, that I'm aware of the possibility and watching out for it, because it's when we're not paying attention that the devil does his best work at getting into those cracks to help the crumbling commence. What's harder is figuring out how to keep him out when sometimes his words can be so seductive and seem so true (even though I know they're not!). I'm having a loooot of that tonight about a lot of things. So...Imma just leave this here. Without going back to re-read and edit if necessary, whether for grammar (ha, like I'd need that) or content. So if it don't make no sense, sorrynotsorry. Yo.
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