Addiction

I think I'm addicted to very thin air. Like, 10,000+feet-above-sea-level air.

And if that's wrong, then man, I don't want to be right.


I can't wait to get back up there. Later this week, even, hopefully.

Work in Progress

Currently composing a long post about my trek up the Peak yesterday. In a word, GLORIOUS. Also: Uplifting, breathtaking, fantabulous, indescribable. (Seriously, folks, being up there, remembering it now, it makes my soul absolutely sing with joy. And wonder. And thankfulness at God's unparalleled creation.)

But I still need to upload complementing pictures, and I don't feel like it right now. Maybe tomorrow - after all, Friday was my last day of work, which means I'm free as a bird during the days now.

Here's realistic things on my to-do list with my time off:
-Zoo with nephews (and sister)
-Hike to the punch bowls
-Hike Pikes Peak again
-Hike Section 16
-Hike to Helen Hunt Falls
-Go to Rock Ledge Ranch
-Maybe (very maybe) go up to Rocky Mountain National Park again and do some real hiking in there
-Read some books
-Knit some things
-Play some games
-Watch Lord of the Rings (perhaps maybe even do a marathon viewing? Never done that before)
-Enjoy life, Colorado, friends, and family

(Oh, and pack, but that's not very fun so is not included.)

The end.

Ok, a teaser:

Tap tap...is this thing on?

So, it's been a week since I last updated, apparently, and that was just a youtube video. Pathetic, Susie. Fail.

But I don't really have anything to talk about.

I do need to post pictures. I have pictures to share. It's just tedious to upload them, I guess.

Tomorrow is my last day of work. Do you realize what that means? That means this is the beginning of all the endings I'm going to have to go through in the next month. That sucks.

Also, I'll be quite poor.

But luckily, I do have something to look forward to tomorrow, so that's good. And then I'm hiking Pikes Peak on Saturday. We're going up a different way this time (last year we did Barr Trail, the typical trail up the Peak, which is about 12.5-13 miles from bottom to top). This trail is around 12.5 miles roundtrip, so it's shorter and quicker, and different (and less crowded). Although Sunday is the Pikes Peak Hill Climb (which I hate, but people do every year - the car race up the mountain), so I think my views and the serene mountain top might be disrupted by those practicing for Sunday. Oh, maybe not - looks like practice and qualifying rounds were this week through tomorrow. Doesn't say anything about Saturday, so hopefully we won't run into that.

Um...yeah, I don't know what to say here. I think I'm going to be leaving around August 25 now, instead of August 14. Long story, but now we might not have a house to move into until later, so I'd be chilling in the metro for a couple weeks if I went out there the 14th. Hopefully that'll work out. I think I need just to decide it, because then I can set it in stone, and I can buy plane tickets to go to Gail's wedding (haven't yet because I didn't know if I'd be going from DC or from here).

Oh, and tonight it's finally hitting me. Tomorrow is my last day of work. Tonight I went to my last Gravity planning meeting (which, oh my goodness I'm going to miss so. much). We were planning things that I won't even be here for (well, just a few, but still - it's starting). Sigh. Two of the six of us (in the core team) are getting married in the next six months. And then there's at least two other weddings within the group around that time frame too. I don't know if I can go to all of them...but I can't imagine missing them. Sigh.

Anyway. Let's try to focus on the positives here. I'm going to see Harry Potter with a lovely friend on Monday. Sometime soon I'm going to go to the zoo with Cathy and the boys. I'm hopefully going to go hiking a lot in the next couple weeks - including to the famed punch bowls up by Glen Eyrie. Oh, and I want to go to Rock Ledge Ranch, too, because I always love going there, even though it's always the same thing. (What's gonna change? It's a historical working farm...type...thing.) So, lots of good things. And that's good, and exciting.

And DC will be fine, and fun, and exciting. But I think I just won't be very excited about it until I'm actually there, you know? And then it'll be cool, because it's DC, and, well, DC is cool.

Yes.

I still really wish they had made a (real) whole album

(Not the best quality, especially sound, but it was the only one I could find.)

Thoughts and things of late

New encyclical. I have yet to read the whole thing (my eyes don't like reading lots of text on web pages, but apparently my mom formatted a nice copy that I'm planning on printing out so I can sit down and read it), but from what I have read, it's good. Of course it's good, it's Pope Benedict XVI!

I came across this article the other day: movies are too "heteronormative." In other words, children's movies promote heterosexual relationships too much. Children's movies are not inclusive enough. Yeah. Wow. The gay agenda is not just working to create acceptance, it's working to create pervasive "you must conform". Ugh.

I may or may not attempt these after I finish work, before I leave for DC. For what, I'm not sure - and I'd probably forgo the baskets and fry holders, although that would admittedly get rid of some of the presentation. But it could be fun to try it. (Although, man, how sweet those things must be! They'd better be small!)

Color me quite unimpressed by digital TV. Actually, very much the opposite of impressed. Give me semi-staticky, not-quite-clear bunny ears reception any day over this annoying skipping and squarey (think large pixels) reception. Ugh.

I've been training my replacement the last few days. I'm not a very good teacher - not patient enough. I think I tend to latch onto things rather quickly (not to sound all...prideful or whatever, because I make tons of mistakes too), so it's hard for me to teach people who might not get things as quickly. Plus, there's the fact that I'm feeling a sense of protectiveness and...oh, what's the word, territorial, I guess, about my job. I'm really fighting that, though, because it's not really mine any more, and I'm the one who chose to give it up. But I can't help but have those moments of my hackles going up a bit when my regular routine in my job get changed by someone new coming in, who of course is going to have his own way of doing things, even just minorly. I'm very possessive about things sometimes, and this is no exception. But I'm really, really, really fighting to make that go away and ignore it and realize that other ways of doing it can be just as good, or won't cause the entire thing to go awry and just get completely messed up. Anyway. See, I'm really bad at letting go of anything, this included.

(And that is why my memory card in my camera is currently full. With close to 2000 pictures. Because I'm afraid if I delete them, then I'll lose them on my computer somehow, and then they'll be gone forever. But tonight hopefully I'll be able to clean house at least a little bit. There are still all those Hazel pictures on there, from the very first day I got her up to a day or two before she died. Lots of them. And I'm afraid to let go of any of them. Also, I need an external hard drive of my own, I've decided. I guess that won't exactly be letting go, just...moving aside. But it's a step, right?)

(Also speaking of letting go, my goodness I am the owner of junk up the wazoo. My room is ridiculous, and I hate it, and I can't wait to be done with work so that I can tackle it and get rid of a lot of it. I just hope that I can actually get myself to do it, because never has a task seemed so overwhelming. I don't have a clue where I'm going to start. Not a clue. There's no room to make piles of stuff to separate it - piles to keep and piles to throw away. There's no room for anything. I guess I'll just have to try to start in one corner and just work my way around, somehow. I need like a central staging area. Maybe I can commandeer the garage for a day (or four), just so I can get stuff out of my room as I get it organized. I don't know how it's going to work. I don't know if it's going to work. I just have to do it, I guess. And I hope I have the strength to let go of a lot of that stuff, because I know it's harmful for my soul to keep it. Seriously. I need to minimalize, simplify, and just...take up less space. I take up a lot of space, and it makes me sick sometimes. At times, like right now, it all just seems to start closing in on me, suffocating me, and I don't know how I'm going to get out. But maybe knowing that I'll finally be able to follow through. I'm not always great at follow-through. I need to be now, though. I can't take all that stuff with me to DC. And I don't want to or need to leave it here. Memories and mementos are great, but what's the point if they're stuffed in a box somewhere that they'll never be seen anyway? So. I need prayers that I'll be able to do that. It's going to be ridiculously hard, and I know how pathetic this all probably sounds to many people out there, but it really needs to happen. For my well-being - body, mind, soul, spirit.)

Also hard: (um, an aside, but ever since I started watching The Office, I've often replaced the word "hard" with "difficult" whenever possible. But I'm not right now.) Trying to tell myself that I am worth something, even when it seems like every. single. other. girl. IN THE WORLD. has something better to offer than I do. It's a weird mixture in my head when I think, "Hey, I'm a pretty awesome girl, though I do have my many multitudes of faults, and I'd probably make a pretty fun girlfriend," and then every guy I have a crush (or more) on goes after some other girl, and then I think, "Wow, I must have nothing that any guy wants - or not enough of it. Or too much of something." So then I'm in this weird "I'm pretty ok/I'm pretty worthless" jumble. And it's weird, and that's just...the way it is. Because it's true. Many many guys in the past few years (well, ok, not that many), whenever I start developing even an inkling of feeling for them all of a sudden start dating this other girl, or that girl, or whatever. It's like I'm always two minutes too late to the party. Like maybe I would have had a chance had I sort of shown how I felt just a little bit sooner, but I didn't, and once I got to a place where I wanted to, oop, he's dating someone else. Not that it matters because he wouldn't have gone for me anyway because there's always someone better and for whatever reason that's the way God's let it be up to now because he knows things better than I do, and he knows me too well, and the day I find out that someone I actually really like likes me back is the day that, I don't know, something miraculous happens.

Sorry about that...just been feeling very inadequate lately. Very much like nothing I am will ever be right for anyone. And it's difficult to talk about with people because very few people, especially people my age (or older, or sometimes younger), know what it's like to be almost 24 and never having the experience of mutual actual attraction with another person. Some people might say I can't really claim that any more, but...I can.

Ack I should stop typing before I say something really personal. Haha. Wouldn't want to do that now, would we?

Man. Sorry. Anyway. That's all for now. One of these days, maybe I'll post some fun pictures from recent events. Maybe.

Too fast, too soon, are we there yet?

It hit me today at church. Well, it hit me again.

I'm going to be leaving. Gone. Not here.

And soon.

In my head, August 15 is the date, but it's tentative. Somewhere around there is likely, though. And that means only, at most, 5 more Sundays at St. Gabes. Yeah, it's not perfect, yeah, it's not the Basilica, yeah, I don't care much for a lot of the music they choose to play. But for better or worse, it's been my spiritual home for the better part of the last year. Lately I've been looking around at the people, realizing that I've seen children grow over the last year, seen babies who are now months-old who I remember seeing as newborns. I recognize the people. I don't know them or talk to them, but they're familiar to me. And I'm going to miss them.

At most, 5 more weeks playing soccer with great people I've grown to care about. Well, six including today. I don't want to leave them. Some of them (who, admittedly, I'm not quite as close to) are military, and I have no idea what their schedules are so who knows if they'll still be here when I come back, either in two years or on breaks. If I get breaks to come back. And the rest of them, who knows where they'll be, what they'll be doing.

I have to say good bye to all of them, and leave for an unfamiliar place. An unfamiliar church. An unfamiliar school with unfamiliar people. Sure, eventually they'll all become familiar, and I'll grow to care about them, and I'll recognize the babies and children and old married couples at a new church. But then what? Who knows.

These weeks are going to fly by. And I don't want them to. I want the next two years to fly by, but I'm sure that in a few months I'll be wanting them to slow down. That's the game of life, just going wherever and however fast that river takes you. Who knows where you'll be when you stop, or just when the water calms down. Who knows who you'll be with. Who knows who you'll be. All you can do is hope and pray that you'll be where God wants you to be. If that's the case, then somehow, it'll all be ok.

Right now, though, all I want to do is hang on to everything here, and cry, and then never leave. It'll be fine. It'll be such a great experience. Logic can't always win over the feelings of the heart, though, and right now, today, this moment, my heart's beating logic hands-down. It'll pass, it always does. I like and depend on logic. But I am a girl, after all, and aren't we notorious for being illogical, emotional, and fickle? What I do know, though, is that - despite my attempts to the contrary - it's not really possible for me not to get attached to people. I like to think that I'm pretty strong and unreachable, but apparently people still manage to worm their way into my heart. And now I'm going to have to miss them, the meanies. I just hope I'm missed too. I guess it's nice to be missed. And it's nice to have people to miss.

Sorry. Guess I'm just in a reminiscy mood, which tends to put me into a melancholy mood, and I don't like thinking about the people I'm leaving. Especially my friends. For some reason it's not quite as sad to leave my family, maybe because I know they have to keep in touch with me, and I know where they'll be when I come home to visit (theoretically, and God willing). And I'm much more likely to talk to them for some reason. I like my family.

Anyhoo. I'm gonna go reminisce at Palmer Park now and think about how much I'll miss that place, too, because dude I love that place and I realized yesterday that it's been over a week since I've gone there and that's pretty much the longest I've gone without a Palmer Park visit in quite awhile. My little bit of heaven.

Can I admit something, Oh Internets?

So, there's this girl that my sister and I used to be best friends with from the ages (for me) of 3-13 or so, maybe a few more years after that. We live next door to her grandparents (one of whom died two? summers ago), and she spent a lot of time over there during her childhood, so we met her pretty much right away when we moved here. And we did all sorts of things together; I barely have a childhood summertime memory that doesn't involve her. She was right in between my sister and me in age, so it worked out well most of the time.

Anyway, her parents were divorced pretty much from when we first met her (I think, anyway - if not then, it was shortly thereafter), which of course had an effect on her. Eventually her mom remarried, a military guy, and there was a period of a year or two or three when they moved to Florida. We kept up through snail mail (the only mail available at the time, still), and then they moved back here for a few more years and we picked up right where we had left off. When I was in 7th grade, they moved again, this time to California, and this time they didn't come back. We took up writing again - we may have moved mostly to email by then - but correspondence grew fewer and further between. And then it was pretty much nonexistent. We did see each other once after that - my family drove out to California one summer, I think it might have been the summer after my 8th grade, but I'm not quite sure, and we managed to meet up with her for the day when we were around LA and got to spend a few hours with her, including the one and only time I've been to a Planet Hollywood. After that, though, it was pretty much all communication cut off. At some point, we found out that she had been back to visit in Colorado, but didn't tell us (me and my sister), and apparently, from what I remember, didn't even see her dad or any of her dad's family, including our next door neighbors. So, that was pretty sad.

From what I heard, she moved with her mom and stepdad to Virginia or somewhere like that at some point, and maybe to Florida, but I never really knew much beyond that. I think it seems as though her mom sort of...turned her away from her dad and anything associated with him, as it wasn't a particularly friendly divorce, if there is such a thing. But I don't really know the specifics of what happened, and at this point, she's 24 and can make her own decisions. When her grandmother died two years ago, she didn't even come back for the funeral, which seemed sort of like a slap in the face to the whole family, I think. Or maybe it wasn't really unexpected for them. I was surprised, though. I guess it's hard for me to imagine being in her situation, and going so many years without much, if any, contact with her father and a whole side of her family (a wonderful family, too). Just bizarre to me.

So here's the point of this post. A few years back, when my sister was sort of part of the crowd and had a Myspace (which I'm pretty sure she doesn't use anymore, and she refuses to join facebook, despite my telling her she should, hehe), she happened to find this former best friend of ours. Sent her a message. The next day, said former friend's page couldn't be found - perhaps she made it private and unsearchable? So, that was weird. Then a year or so ago, maybe a little bit more, I looked her up on facebook. Sent her a message - nothing scary, just "Hey, how's it going, it's been awhile" kind of thing. Nothing. It shouldn't have, but it made me sad. I shared a lot of my childhood with her, and she was really my first actual friend - and my best friend for a very long time. And then suddenly she moved away and cut me out of her life. (Me and a lot of other people, who should be more important to her.) And now, years later, she won't even return a friendly, casual message? So, whatever. This brings us to today, and the point of this post. I was thinking about her because one of her cousins just friended me on facebook (I see him occasionally when I play soccer with my young adult group on Sundays, and I've seen him a few times at his grandfather's place), so I looked her up again, and couldn't find her. And here's where the "admittance" part of this comes into play. I'm way too good at internet-stalking. Just for kicks, I googled her name, and the first thing that came up was a facebook page for someone with her first name but a different last name. I clicked on it just to see the picture, and it was her. So, apparently she's gotten married. And for some reason that's just...I don't know. I don't know what it is. But I do know that it's summer, so I'm remembering all those good times we had together, and I wish things hadn't happened the way they did. Maybe it's for the best, somehow, but still. It'd be nice to talk to her again sometime, just to see what she's doing these days, but obviously she's not going to return a message if I try to send her one again (plus, that would be admitting to her how creepy I am - because obviously I would have had to do some sort of minimal searching to find out her name now), so I guess I just have to let things be the way they are. I can't help but wonder if she even invited her dad, though. Can you imagine not inviting your own father to your wedding? I guess if you haven't seen or talked to him much for almost half your life, though, I guess it's not out of the realm of possibility. Who knows, maybe she did invite him. I hope she did.

But it's kinda sad. Out of all the friends I've ever had who are no longer really in my life, for whatever reason, she's the only one whose birthday I still know without even thinking about it. Maybe it's because we were friends for so long, but I haven't seen her in 10 years. I've been good friends with other people in older years, when remembering dates wouldn't seem as difficult, but I couldn't name more than maybe a month and somewhat close date for many of them. Every year on her birthday, though, I think about her, and wonder what she's up to. I guess all I can do is pray that she's doing well.

4th of July!

I love the 4th of July. It's always been one of my favorite holidays. Maybe because it's so...historical? Hard to say. All I know is, I've always loved it. Well, "always" in my more mature life, I guess...the past 7 years or so, let's say, at least. Anyway. I love it. Probably my favorite secular holiday. Definitely my favorite secular holiday. Even more than Thanksgiving. Also probably why I tend to be disappointed sometimes on the 4th, because I have such high expectations. This year, I had planned on going to my young adult group's barbecue, then going with them to fireworks up in Monument (since stupid Colorado Springs canceled the Memorial Park fireworks this year, since we voted not to raise taxes, and Memorial Park is always where I love to go because it's what I know and they have the Philharmonic play during the fireworks. I love it). But I sort of didn't really expect actually to see the fireworks, for whatever reason (maybe because it would have been a verrrrry long day had I done so, and the weather wasn't going to be particularly good today - and it wasn't, but apparently cleared up ok for the fireworks). So I wasn't too disappointed when we called it quits for the barbecue a little earlier than we might have, since we were all rather wet from playing soccer in the rain, and didn't necessarily plan to meet up for fireworks later. I was sort of happy because it meant I'd be able to go home and watch 1776 with my family, an annual tradition we have.

Seriously, if you haven't seen it, you really should. It's fantastic. Even if it is a musical. Very witty dialogue, and mostly keeps your attention (there are a few songs and scenes I could do without, but some of those are new additions to the DVD we got a year or two ago that weren't on the VHS we were watching for years before that). I mean, check out this one:



(For those in my generation who may have seen those shows: John Adams is played by none other than the actor who plays Mr. Feeny on Boy Meets World, and Thomas Jefferson is played by the actor who plays Ed Truck in a couple episodes of The Office. More like one episode and a picture in another, or something like that. Haha.)

But yes, it's a fantastic movie, and while perhaps not exactly historically accurate, is a pretty good representation of how that whole thing went down. haha. (Fun fact I learned on Thursday: John Adams wrote to his wife on July 3rd, 1776, saying that July 2nd would be remembered as an epoch in American history, because that was the day the Declaration was actually voted on by the Congress. But pretty much immediately, the 4th was celebrated because that was the day it was approved, or something like that. And most of the members didn't sign it until August 6, 1776, or so. Also, a few years after that, July 4th fell on a Sunday, so it was celebrated on the 5th. Back when Sundays were actually set aside as they should be. And, of course everyone knows this, but both John Adams and Thomas Jefferson died on July 4, 1826 - the 50th birthday of America. The only two signers to become presidents, too. And there's your history lesson for today. It's a good day to learn history.)

What a good day. Even without fireworks. (I watched some from Boston on TV. I guess that's close enough, right? Besides, half the time the whole fireworks thing ends up semi-depressing, because it always seems to be couples-central.) Maybe next year I'll be in DC on the 4th and will get to see that fireworks show. I'd assume it's a pretty good one there.

Admitting it is the first step toward recovery

I think I love baking.

That is all.

(Ok, not really all - it's not so much the baking as the anticipation and hope that it'll turn out well and will make people think I'm a good baker. Mostly the hope that they'll enjoy what I make. Sometimes it falls flat, though, but hopefully usually it doesn't. I need to be loved! And appreciated! And validated! And the way to do that? Through cookies.)


In other news, Nutmeg is cute and fun and great; I still miss Hazel every. single. day and would give so much to have her back; and my heart is so full of love for this place in which I've been blessed to live for over 20 years now. (The natural scenery, air, and water, at least. Traffic, noise, light pollution, and development on every piece of open land? Not so much.)

Tomorrow's Thursday, but Friday for me because I get the 3rd off (so grateful for that!), then Saturday is the 4th of July which is one of my favorite days but which will be different than usual because Memorial Park, my typical go-to place on the 4th for years, is having a big fat nothing going on that day. The fireworks show they always have (except the one year we were in a big drought and they did some laser light show instead, and my family - and a lot of the rest of the city - went to the Sky Sox game (local minor league team, feeder for the Rockies) which included a great fireworks show afterward. Biggest crowd they ever had up to that point) was canceled this year, in punishment for us not voting for increased taxes. And the philharmonic, one of the best parts of the fireworks show, is playing on the 3rd during a fireworks show at Fort Carson or something like that, but nothing on the 4th. So instead, my friends and I are planning on going to Palmer Lake (Monument) to watch their non-canceled show. Hopefully that'll be fun.

And now I'm tired because it's late because I made cookies. I made snickerdoodles. I hope they taste good.

Trying to let go before it's too late

My last day of work is the 17th. Have I mentioned that? I think I might have in one of those posts I never posted. I want to go hiking. On a weekday. (Or several weekdays.) All over the Springs, and maybe elsewhere. (Big question is, who will I go hiking with? Or, should I say, with whom will I go hiking?) And to the zoo with my sis and fun nephews. And with Lauren. And, of course, packing. Lots and lots of packing. Bleh. Can you believe that I only have...well, pretty much a month and a half left? Crazy. I'm gonna miss everyone here so much. Sigh.

I think I also mentioned that, tentatively (unless the schedule as is changes between now and the start of school), I won't have classes on Mondays this semester. So that's pretty nice. I had it all written out in said post, but the whole schedule is pretty nice - earliest class is 9:30, each class only meets once a week (I have five classes total, four for credit and one audit. Everyone takes the same five classes, but we each get to choose which one we want to audit), so there's only one day that I have two classes. And, well, I forget exactly the schedule, but I'm pretty happy with it. (Of course, I'm sure I'll have hours upon hours of reading and assignments to do for each of those classes every week, so...yeah.)

My future housemates and I are closing in on a house. Looks like we'll be turning in the application this week, asap, for a cute little house in Silver Spring. So that's exciting, I guess. I'll keep you all updated. Eventually.

I know all this DC stuff is exciting. But all my excitement has been pushed back lately by my desire to stay here in the familiar, with those I love (both for years, and newly discovered), in this place where my heart belongs. And so it's this in-between place I've talked about before that I hate. Not wanting to leave, but can't wait to go so that I can get on with it, get the goodbyes out of the way and start the new stage, whatever it looks like. I mean, I'm going to DC. I'm like the last person in the world who would ever want to live in such a big city. Ever. And I'm willingly going there for the next two years to go back to school. School. With homework, and essays, and assignments, and late nights, and stress. And for what? A master's degree I don't particularly include in my list of Life Goals I'd Like to Achieve. But apparently, for whatever reason, it's one of those things God wants me to achieve. And therein lies the problem - I'm willing to go along with what God wills for me. I have no other choice, right? But I read something the other day (I think it was in the fantastic In Conversation with God series, for some day last week), that said...oh, let me find it, I won't be able to do it justice. Ok, here: "When we see that God wants something of us, we should do it promptly and cheerfully. Many people rebel when what God wants does not coincide with their own inclination. Others accept his will with more or less reluctant resignation merely submitting to the divine plans because they can see no alternative. Others simply conform, but without any motivation of love. Nevertheless Our Lord wants us to love the divine Will with holy abandonment, with complete trust in God our Father."

Love the divine Will with abandonment. Trust. "We have to try, each day, to surrender ourselves, to abandon ourselves without any reservations, and even without understanding why God allows this or that to happen." I'm having such a hard time with this all lately because I can't let go, I can't abandon myself and abandon the hopes and dreams and desires I have for my life. But I have to, because my life is God's, ultimately. I won't really be happy if I'm following my desires at the expense of those God has for me. And that's the hardest thing - believing that I can have a happy life without the things I dream about. And it's not like God's will is necessarily at odds with what I do desperately want, but the point is that I have to be prepared and willing for them to be quite incompatible. And I have to love that. I need to get there, but it's very, very difficult. And it doesn't help when I think of everyone else living out lives, or parts of lives, that I wish I could have, and wondering "why not me?", or when I think about those people who have gone after what they want without a second thought to what God and what He wants, and aren't they happy? So why do I have to follow God's path like this at the expense of my happiness, in an attempt to find maybe some deeper happiness somewhere down the road, when those people seem perfectly happy?

Obviously, these questions are more rhetorical than anything. Obviously, we know the answer. Or I do, at least. I know why I have to follow God's will for me at the expense of my wishes. I have to let go of whatever chance at happiness I think I might have by staying here and doing...what? I have to be able to embrace and love this terrifying journey on which I'm about to embark. It's so overwhelming. And I don't know what the end of the journey will look like, what road it'll lead me to. What's at the end of the tunnel? I'm just having such a hard time letting go. I can't stay here for pipe dreams. I have to go. But I can't just do this because it's what God wants and I feel like I have no alternative; I can't just resign myself to these next two years without feeling motivated with love for God's will for me. But it's so. hard. to accept. It's hard to love it right now. Right now, with all these upcoming marriages and wonderful things for people. With all these potentials for more of my friends. I'm so happy for them, but a part of me hates it all. Not them or the fact that they're getting what I want, and I'm getting more school, but the fact that God won't give it to me. And I need to be able to love the possibility. I need to get to a point where I can say that, even if I'm the last/only single person I know my age (whatever age that is), I will love it because it's what God wants for me. And I'm pretty much nowhere near being able to say that right now.

So, it's a pretty big obstacle I have in front of me before I'll be able to embrace this whole thing. And it's not just this, but everything in my life - I have to be able to embrace whatever it is God has planned for me. I need to do that. I know I won't have peace until I can. I know I don't have peace right now because I can't. I'm clinging with everything I have to things here - as if somehow that's going to make my dreams come true. But I know I need to let go of those dreams before I can even begin to discover the extent of my true dreams, which I might not even realize yet. I'm sure that whatever God has planned will be better than anything I plan. But I really like the way I've planned things hypothetically in my head (which really wouldn't work out regardless of whether or not God wants me in DC), and I don't want to let go of that. I mean, I can't even comprehend being happier having some sort of career and being single rather than getting married and having kids. But I think I really need to get to a point where I can feasibly feel happy and fulfilled, maybe in some sort of deeper or different way, in the career God wants me if he doesn't want that other life for me. And I do realize that submitting to and loving God's will doesn't necessarily mean I'm going to be single for the rest of my life. I guess a part of me just sort of suspects/fears it does because of how much I don't want it to.

Anyway. I'm really not sure how much of this is making sense, if at all. But if I don't seem super-excited about all this upcoming change, it's because that part of me that's clutching my dreams as if my life depended on it (because, sort of, it does) is pulling down the ability to be unimpeded in my excitement. It's a weight that's keeping me from truly being able to embrace the whole thing. If I'm really excited about it, that means I've come to accept the fact that my life is going a different direction than I want it to. I know that sounds crazy, but for me that's the way it is. And I definitely didn't mean to write such an extensive post about this topic...sorry about that. And sorry if it doesn't make a whole lot of sense. It's mostly just me trying to get my thoughts down so maybe they'll be out of my head a little bit. Because, man, I've been having a hard time with this lately. A very hard time. I hope it doesn't get worse as the move gets closer, because it's pretty bad right now. For a variety of reasons. And I need to let go. Letting go is difficult, though. It's like this scene in an awesome movie:


To be free, I have to let go - and I have to love the letting go and embracing whatever is coming. But I really want that to which I'm holding so tightly.

Triathletism

I made it, I did it, I survived. Wasn't quite last, but was pretty close to it. But I did it, and that's the biggest thing, right? (Right?)

Swim was the best part. Shortest, the water felt good, and almost enjoyable. Did mostly backstroke. The biking was, as expected, the worst for me. Especially because my front tire was quite low for more than half of it (I think it has a slow leak or something, and I had pumped it up again right before but must not have done a very good job). Someone was riding around with a tire pump, so I got it reinflated around 6 or 7 miles in, and it held pretty well after that. And, you know, I've been on a bike all of like three times in the last 10 years or something. And it was 10 miles. Gross. The run was ok, but mostly because I walked a good portion of it. (Maybe half, total. Kinda pathetic, I know, but I just couldn't get my legs to go very far for very long.) Aside from the biking, almost the worst part of the day was walking back to my car. I'm pretty sure it was a 30 minute walk from where the race took place to where my car was. And the last part was at a slight incline. How mean of them to plan it that way. Psh. But yeah. Anyway.

So. It's done now. I survived, and I can stop worrying about it. I've done it, and that's what matters, even if my time was pathetic (I'm pretty sure it was around 2.5 hours. Pretty close to my semi-goal of finishing by 10am, though, right?)