1. I'm lying here in bed, my alarm set to go off in approximately 5.5 hours, and I'm starting this post. It's the last night I'll ever sleep here, in my cozy (if a bit spider- and beetle-infested) little mother-in-law apartment, the last night I'll sleep with a Golden address, the last night I'll be roommates with my roommates. Moving stinks. Change stinks (even when it's good change). Having an ever-growing list of former roommates stinks. (Except when I don't like them. Then I guess the "former" designation isn't so bad. Though, of all the roommates I've had in my life - a quick count tells me it's approximately 14, three of whom I lived with twice, and by twice I mean two years in a row, but since I've never lived in the same place for more than a year, they count as different living situations and each required a move. Anyway, back to the point, of those 14, there's only been one, maybe two that I don't really care about. I don't keep in touch with all of the others, but I'm still good friends with the majority. Which is nice, but hard.) It's just...I'm so done with transition. I really hope that this next one sticks for a while. I think, assuming the job works out and I don't turn out to be the world's worst teacher, I can at least stay in the house where I'll be moving for more than just one year. Boy, wouldn't that be a novelty. Including every year for college (which always required moving, since obviously I couldn't keep things in the dorm over the summer), this will be my 11th move in 9 years. Wait, is that right? Yeah, I think it is. Dang. It's tiring. It's draining. It's hard. Here's hoping for some stability!
2. Know what else has made the past week and a half super fun? Last Monday I got a flat tire driving home after having dinner with an out-of-town friend. It was 11:30pm, and I was driving on the highway. I pulled off into a gas station, and an hour later my tire was finally successfully changed thanks to some help. The next day I found out I'd have to get all new tires since the flat was irreparable, and they don't make that kind of tire anymore and something about a different tire would mess up the axle or something. So. That was fun. Then Saturday I got a hitch installed on my car, got a trailer, and moved most of my stuff down to my parents' with the help of my absolutely wonderful father. Then Tuesday evening I locked my keys in the car, something I've only done one other time. Thankfully we have a AAA type thing, so someone came to help unlock my car. It just required me standing outside my car for almost an hour, awkwardly waiting in my dress outside a bank that had closed just a few minutes after I locked my keys on my way in. I've done a lot of car-related waiting, is what I'm saying. And it's just added weird stress to an already stressful situation because, much as it's not really that stressful, moving is stressful. Saying good bye, preparing for a really big change next month, not really knowing what it'll all look like. It's stressful. It's good, but it's stressful. And cars stress me out in general since I'm so helpless and hopeless with them, so this week has been the week of Susie not being able to be her preferred independent self. I'm sure there's a lesson in that.
3. Much as I hate change and whatnot, I am looking forward to what's to come. I don't really get outwardly excited about it, but sometimes when I'm just sitting and thinking about the fact that I'm going to be a teacher, and what that might look like, I get really excited inside. I don't know if I'll be any good. I don't know if I'll be one of those strict teachers everyone hates (but maybe still manages to learn from). I don't know if I'll burn out in six months. But really, this is something I've wanted for a long time, and I'm excited it's finally happening. There are things about it that worry me, aside from the fact that I don't know what it'll look like, but...that's life, right? Nothing will ever be perfect here on earth, and there's always something to worry about. There are a lot of good potentials with this change - and not just the potential to meet a handsome rancher. ;)
4. Tonight's my last night here, instead of tomorrow (Friday) or Saturday night, because I have to go dogsit my own dog (who, really, is my dad's dog at this point. Well, he's the one to spoil her, anyway). I'm sort of torn about not being able to have one last night with my roommates, though one of them is also leaving tomorrow, but it'll just be a lot of packing tomorrow night anyway. My car's all loaded up with the stuff I didn't bring down last weekend, my room is empty, everything's been cleaned as well as I can get it. But I'm still torn. I could probably get my brother to watch my dog one more night, but I'm not sure there'd be much point in it. (Plus, right now I'm sleeping on an air mattress, which isn't something I'd recommend if you can avoid it. Unless you're camping. Then I do highly recommend. Bonus to using it when camping: I've discovered that in hot weather, as we have right now, an air mattress with the lightest of coverings is a lot more hot than a regular mattress with a blanket or two. Go figure.) Either way, I'll feel a twinge of guilt, and either way, I'll be sad and still have to say good bye.
5. Another new thing this week: I got new glasses. For the most part I only wear contacts, except at night, so the fact that my glasses were well over 5 years old wasn't that big of an issue. But they're definitely a lower prescription than the contacts I had, of which I'm on the last pair, and they're definitely lower than my newer set of contacts that I'm about to break into. So when I do on occasion wear them during the day, it's not great. It's not terrible, but it's not great. Well, since I'm leaving my job soon, I'll also be leaving my insurance I have through them. Since I get a certain amount for eye care per calendar year on that insurance, and I went to the eye doctor and got my new contacts at the end of last year, I figured I might as well use this year's portion to get a new pair of glasses. So, I did. I'm still getting used to them, and they're different than what I had before, and I'm not entirely sure that I love them, but I think they're at least ok. The lady who helped me pick them out said they looked cute on me, and she sees a lot of people and a lot of glasses so I hope she knows. Either way, it's nice to have a pair of glasses that's up-to-prescription.
6. Must finish tomorrow...so unbelievably tired...can't wait to sleep in a real bed again tomorrow, and a nice mattress at that!
7. It's now tomorrow, which is Friday, which is today. I made it through the long day being ridiculously tired all day (not enough sleep + several nights of bad sleep on an air mattress + packing up a room and doing all the great cleaning that goes along with a move + waking up early to finish packing the very last-minute things = lots of tired), drove home, was greeted by two happy dogs who are always the best welcoming committee, and took them for a walk that I decided to cut short when the clouds that had been threatening all evening suddenly decided to let loose their lightning. Just like that. Mostly just up in the clouds until shortly after I got back to the house, and then the wind picked up and the lightning increased and then hello downpour. Crazy downpour. Right after I had called to order a pizza for dinner (don't judge me), so I had to go drive in rather scary conditions to pick it up. Thankfully it wasn't far, but...it was scary. One of those times I'm grateful I have a bigger car because some of the cross streets were quite flooded. And let me tell you, it's slightly intimidating to be out when there's constant lightning going on around you, and it's rather uncomfortable to drive when it's raining so hard you can't see very far or very much or very well, but add the two together (and throw in some light hail), and boy. I'd almost rather drive in a blizzard. Well, it's a toss up, anyway. You know it's a good storm when the rain is so loud on your car that you can't hear the thunder that's accompanying all that lightning. I felt dumb that I was driving in that weather for a pizza. And I was worried because I left the pups at home (would have taken them along but I got soaked in the five steps from the covered porch to my car, and I didn't want to have to wrangle two dogs into the car in that, too). But, I made it there and back, and we (me and the dogs) got to enjoy some deliciousity.
So there you go.
Friday, June 28, 2013
Tuesday, June 25, 2013
NAS: What I love about the single life...
Back again for another round, hosted this week by Jen! This one is a tough one for me, especially right now, this week, in the midst of unsettling impending and upending life changes (even if they're really ultimately good life changes), and when I've had car thing after car thing to deal with in a very short span of time. But. What do I love about being single?
I'm really good at dismissing the normal reasons given for enjoying the single life: travel, spontaneity, freedom to splurge, etc. I'm not big on spontaneity, I can't afford to travel, and I can't afford to splurge (or do much else). If the opportunity arises, and the ability, sure, I have that freedom, and that's great. They are great things to enjoy about being single - if you actually get to take advantage of them. But in general I can't get too excited about these supposed pros of singlehood - check back with me in a few months and I'm hoping I'll be singing a different tune, once I'm semi-settled into my new life which I hope will allow me more and better opportunities than my current situation.
There is one thing I can undeniably be thankful for with regard to being unattached: the ability to go to Mass/adoration/confession easily and frequently. I wrote about this a few months ago. I was very delighted to find such a huge perk to being single, and I still am. (Not that anyone would, but please don't go thinking I'm all pious and holy and devout because my perk is Jesus - right now it's the only thing that I can list as a perk without some sort of caveat or qualifier or reason it's not actually really a perk.) I don't take advantage of this nearly as often as I should, but when I do, and when I think about it, I'm very grateful for it. Though, granted, this is more a perk of not being a mother than being single, but if I want to I can just go sit with Jesus for a while right after work instead of going home first, and I don't have to worry about someone else's supper schedule. It's a very, very good thing, and spending time with Jesus isn't a bad way to spend, well, life.
Being able to watch my crappy/kiddie/girlie movies without anyone else caring is also a plus. And, I was thinking about this just the other day for the first time, being able to love on my nephews without having kids of my own who would come first. I can't shower them with gifts, or anything, but when they're around and I'm around I can give them all my attention. That's pretty cool, too. (Even though their #1 choice is always baseball with Poppy, I can be around as a backup when he gets tired and they might be willing to settle for a game of Uno.) Also: I have brothers. I know that boys can make bathrooms messy. (So can girls, but it's easier to deal with one's own mess than someone else's, right?)
It's not all bad. Other than being able to spend lots of time with Jesus, I wouldn't say I really love any part about being single, but at least it does have some bright spots.
(Today might not have been the best day to be writing about what I love about being single, but such is life. Good days and bad days, God's still there.)
I'm really good at dismissing the normal reasons given for enjoying the single life: travel, spontaneity, freedom to splurge, etc. I'm not big on spontaneity, I can't afford to travel, and I can't afford to splurge (or do much else). If the opportunity arises, and the ability, sure, I have that freedom, and that's great. They are great things to enjoy about being single - if you actually get to take advantage of them. But in general I can't get too excited about these supposed pros of singlehood - check back with me in a few months and I'm hoping I'll be singing a different tune, once I'm semi-settled into my new life which I hope will allow me more and better opportunities than my current situation.
There is one thing I can undeniably be thankful for with regard to being unattached: the ability to go to Mass/adoration/confession easily and frequently. I wrote about this a few months ago. I was very delighted to find such a huge perk to being single, and I still am. (Not that anyone would, but please don't go thinking I'm all pious and holy and devout because my perk is Jesus - right now it's the only thing that I can list as a perk without some sort of caveat or qualifier or reason it's not actually really a perk.) I don't take advantage of this nearly as often as I should, but when I do, and when I think about it, I'm very grateful for it. Though, granted, this is more a perk of not being a mother than being single, but if I want to I can just go sit with Jesus for a while right after work instead of going home first, and I don't have to worry about someone else's supper schedule. It's a very, very good thing, and spending time with Jesus isn't a bad way to spend, well, life.
Being able to watch my crappy/kiddie/girlie movies without anyone else caring is also a plus. And, I was thinking about this just the other day for the first time, being able to love on my nephews without having kids of my own who would come first. I can't shower them with gifts, or anything, but when they're around and I'm around I can give them all my attention. That's pretty cool, too. (Even though their #1 choice is always baseball with Poppy, I can be around as a backup when he gets tired and they might be willing to settle for a game of Uno.) Also: I have brothers. I know that boys can make bathrooms messy. (So can girls, but it's easier to deal with one's own mess than someone else's, right?)
It's not all bad. Other than being able to spend lots of time with Jesus, I wouldn't say I really love any part about being single, but at least it does have some bright spots.
(Today might not have been the best day to be writing about what I love about being single, but such is life. Good days and bad days, God's still there.)
Tuesday, June 18, 2013
Not Alone Series: Prayer
Back for another round of the Not Alone Series. I missed last week's installment on discernment due to some distractions caused by a fire breaking out in my hometown, but that's ok because prayer and discernment are so intertwined.
I've always been Catholic, but I haven't always been good at prayer. Scratch that. I don't think I've ever been good at prayer. I struggle with setting aside the time, with not letting my mind wander, with figuring out what to say to God (other than the whining and complaining at which I'm so well-practiced). I struggle with quieting my mind and letting God take over rather than dictating the whole time.
Because of all this, I've always been a big fan of the rote prayers, prayers I don't have to come up with myself or figure out how to say what I want to say - if I can even remember what I want to say. Memorized, written prayers can't be the entirety of one's prayer life, obviously, but when you're struggling like I often do, they're such a big help. They get me in the mindset I need to have, they help focus me and keep my eye on the prize, so to speak. Of course, sometimes I have to make myself slow down and actually hear and think about what it is I'm praying, but it's still a lot better than my constant refrains of "Hey, God, when are you going to give me what I want?"
Reading the Bible more has also been a great way for me to enter into prayer - realizing that those words are God speaking to me. There is so much in there to take away and apply to my own life, if I let it. I'm not the first one who's had struggles. I'm not the first one who's had to wait. I'm not the first one who's felt blind, or who's stumbled and failed epically, or who's made bad decisions, or who's been confused. I'm part of a long line of humans, all of whom make mistakes and all of whom God loves madly and really illogically.
My prayer life made a huge leap just a few months ago. I started going to adoration regularly, thanks to a perpetual adoration chapel just a few miles from my house. It took me a while to make myself start going, but then suddenly I couldn't stop. It was a built-in hour of no distractions - I wasn't sitting next to a computer where I could have some random thought pop into my head that made me suddenly need to google something, I didn't have roommates around to chat with, I didn't have any of the comforts of my room to distract me. It's just me, and God, maybe my Bible, maybe a journal, maybe spiritual reading. And so much quiet. I love it. I started going when I was deep in a kind of dark, hopeless place, where I couldn't figure out why suddenly things seemed so desolate but where I knew that the only thing I could really cling to is God and his love for me, always and forever. God stripped me of a lot of comforts in order to draw myself closer to him.
We're still kind of in that place, he and I, him trying to show me that he's not letting go, me struggling to accept that I can't be self-sufficient and self-reliant if I think that means God's not going to take care of me and my needs. It's been a tough year, and it's going to keep being tough as I transition into a new job in a new town where I know no one (and won't have access to perpetual adoration, but at least there will be weekly adoration) and my financial situation might not improve significantly, which means all I can do is keep clinging to God and trust that he's got this. He knows where he's leading me, and he knows where he wants me to be. I just need to let him take me there, even if (even though) it's hard.
Prayer for me is sometimes very much a two steps forward, one step back process. I have a period of time where it's going really great, and I'm feeling so close to and connected with God, and then something happens to disrupt the routine or get me out of whack and then I lose it, and have to climb up the hill again. But the good news is, when there's distance between us and God, all we have to do is make that first step towards him and he rushes in the rest of the way to help us keep going. He never draws away from us, it's us who draw away from him. Even when I'm having those down times where it's a struggle to shut my mind from the rest of the world and try to be with God for even 15 minutes, all he wants is that effort. He'd rather us try and be kind of bad at it than not try at all. He'd rather us sit and rail at him for 20 minutes than treat him with indifference. He challenges us, and he wants us to face those challenges even when it's hard, but sometimes all we can do - all I can manage - is to sit there, and look at him in the Eucharist, and just ask "Why?" Sometimes I can't even manage to form a prayer, or much of a thought, but I can sit there in that chapel and feel his love for me. Even in the darkest, loneliest moments, he's there.
That's the most important thing I need to remember when I get down on myself about how bad I am at praying. God doesn't expect perfection. He doesn't expect us to write out eloquent prayers that will be recited and remembered hundreds of years from now (I'm pretty sure I could never write something as simple and beautiful as the St. Michael prayer, or the Memorare, so it's a good thing someone else already did!). He just wants us to let him love us - which admittedly is sometimes very painful. But it's oh, so beautiful, and so worth it.
Friday, June 14, 2013
Seven Quick Takes
1. For the second time in just under a year, there's a fire burning in my hometown community. Last year hurt a lot, and was awful. This year is awful in a different way. A lot more homes completely destroyed (last year was 349, I think, and as of this evening there are at least 419 destroyed this time around), so far the same number of lives lost, little to no warning (last year's started in public/government land, and had been going for several days before that awful afternoon when it blew unexpectedly into a neighborhood up against the mountains, but this year's started in the middle of land where people live and where there are thousands of houses, and while extra help was deployed a lot more quickly this time around, it had still done a lot of damage by that time), and I think everyone just can't believe this is happening again so soon after the last one. But, this is Colorado, we're in a drought, and this is what happens when people aren't careful with their fires (or cigarette butts, or whatever the case may be). This fire is especially awful because I personally know at least one family whose house was completely destroyed. I'm devastated for them. They were out of town at the time, too, so they weren't even able to save those priceless, irreplaceable items - and I'm sure they had quite a few of those. Not to mention all those memories, and all the hard work they've put into that home over the years. Pray for them, and for all of those going through the same thing. This fire broke out in the middle of the day and spread quickly, so lots of people who were working didn't even get a chance to go home. Even to get pets. :( I just hope God lets us get a break for the next few years.
2. If there is a sort of bright side, this fire was quickly escalated to a type 1 incident team (which, I learned from last year, basically means it's a bad situation), and the incident commander that was assigned to this fire is the same one we had last year. I really liked him last year, and it's nice having that bit of familiarity again this year. Though, obviously, I think everyone would have preferred not to have seen him again, great as he is. (And he does great work, too - he officially took over yesterday, after two days of negative progress, then yesterday afternoon they announced 5% containment, and this afternoon upped it to 30% after lots of help from the weather - not nearly as windy or hot today as it's been, and there was even some rain that wasn't quite expected!) He knows what he's doing, he doesn't beat around the bush, and he inspires a lot of confidence that this fire will be beaten.
3. This whole thing is a reminder that every place has its own version of natural disasters - we don't get hurricanes, we don't usually get a lot of flooding, we don't get a lot of tornadoes except out east, and even then it's not usually quite as bad as the ones you see in Oklahoma or Missouri or thereabouts. We get fires, though. A lot of them. On Tuesday, the same day that the Black Forest fire started, there were three or four other fires that started around the state. And this week there have been multiple small fires reported that thankfully have been taken care of pretty quickly. There's one still burning up at Rocky Mountain, but I think that one's not really too concerning and hasn't grown too big (and has at least a fair amount of containment), and the one down at the Royal Gorge is still burning but mostly only damaged the buildings around the bridge (as in, pretty much all of them, which is going to be hard for the economy in that area since it's a big money-maker) and is now up to 65% containment. But...it's only June 14. I really hope we start getting a lot of rain, and soon, because fires are just devastating. Maybe (fingers crossed) this will be the worst week of the summer, fire-starting-wise. Last year when the Waldo Canyon fire started there had been a couple of weeks with big-ish fires starting, and some of them were still going strong when that one started. Once we got over the worst of it, though, I don't remember a lot of other fires for the rest of the summer. There probably were at least a few, though, that just obviously didn't get the coverage.
4. Well. In completely other news. Remember the job to which I recently alluded? I'm going to go be a teacher at a small Catholic school in Montrose, CO. I've wanted to be a teacher off and on for years, but have always talked myself out of it for one reason or another. It looks like God might have wanted it, too, because the way this all came together was almost startlingly easy, especially when I kept facing rejection from other jobs where I was applying. I didn't just take this because it's the only offer I've gotten, though. I could have just moved back home for a little while, found something temporary, done some volunteering in the area I was wanting to move toward, and tried again in a few months. This position just felt...right. And I'm at peace with it, which is good. I have moments of little excitement bubbles pop up once in a while, and some moments of apprehension since it will all be so different, but mostly it's just peace. And I'm going to take that as a good sign.
5. I found a new type of cactus tonight. (Well, new to me. Obvs.) Apparently it's called a crimson hedgehog cactus, which is a pretty delightful name. Its flowers are such a rich, vibrant red, which is why I saw this thing in the first place. I saw it along a path I've walked thousands upon thousands of times, though tucked up on a hill a bit (near where I noticed for the first time last year a sort of cactus tree/bush-type-thing, which I think is a Staghorn Cholla cactus). I don't know how I've missed it all these years, although I have no idea how long it's been there, and I've only been in that park sporadically the last several years, and really have only been cactus-flower-obsessed for the last five or so years, so I easily could have missed when it bloomed and otherwise would never have noticed it. Point is, it's gorgeous, I'm in love, and cacti delight me. (To look at. Not to touch. Or have my poor pups step on.)
6. You might know that I'm a big fan of knitting. A couple of years ago, when I was getting more serious about knitting, I decided it was time to get a more serious set of knitting needles. I stumbled across a brand that got pretty good reviews, and they're pretty quality, so I bought a tester pair. They were great - but not cheap. Handmade, American-made. Small, family-owned business. Around the same time, I also got a set of interchangeable knitting needles with pretty much the full range a knitter needs (unless you're a fan of knitting either socks, which can sometimes require the smaller end than your average set goes, or afghans, which sometimes requires the larger end. I'm on the afghan side of things). They're great, and so nice to have. But...when you knit as much as I do, it's easy to justify having more than one set. (Sometimes I'm knitting something, and start something else that requires the same size needle!) Well, with my tax return one year I ordered a set, and love them. They're pretty, they're great to use, and I love them. The trouble is, this company offers needles in multiple colors. And...well...last year, again with my tax return (in hindsight, perhaps I should have foregone this purchase, but at the time I didn't quite realize...things), I ordered another set. And here's something else to note: sometimes, with handmade, small-company-made items, which become popular and lots of people want them, it can take a while for them to be made and sent to you. So here we are, almost exactly 15 months to the day I ordered them, and I finally just received a shipping notice today. Point is, I'm excited, and yay knitting needles. I don't have expensive taste with almost anything else, but when it comes to knitting, I just really like to have quality things. Yet another reason why I really should start trying to make money off of something I love to do.
7. I have to say, though it stinks that a tragedy like this fire (and last year's fire) is what causes it to come out in full force, it's so great seeing how giving the Colorado Springs community is. It's not exactly a small city, but everyone steps up in times like this. It's so inspiring. I can't imagine, for example, Denver being like this if something similar happened. Maybe parts of Denver, but that's the thing - "Denver" encompasses like 18 little "cities" and there's definitely not the sense of community that the Springs has, even though area-size-wise, Colorado Springs is pretty sprawling. Obviously, it's not at all small-town-feel, but it's a community that steps up when necessary. It's great. Part of the reason I hope I eventually do get to come back to the Springs to live long-term, unless of course I get to Montrose and fall in love. Either with it or with my Catholic rancher (who as yet doesn't exist...but...you never know...). But I'll always love the Springs, even with its faults.
Also, ps, I still am maintaining that 2013 cannot be done soon enough. A lot of really, really sad things have happened both to people I know and people I don't know. Obviously this is the case all the time, since we live on earth and not in heaven, but it just seems particularly condensed this year. Maybe it's just me; I don't know. And maybe things will just improve from here on out and 2013 will end on a great note somehow. I hope that's the case.
2. If there is a sort of bright side, this fire was quickly escalated to a type 1 incident team (which, I learned from last year, basically means it's a bad situation), and the incident commander that was assigned to this fire is the same one we had last year. I really liked him last year, and it's nice having that bit of familiarity again this year. Though, obviously, I think everyone would have preferred not to have seen him again, great as he is. (And he does great work, too - he officially took over yesterday, after two days of negative progress, then yesterday afternoon they announced 5% containment, and this afternoon upped it to 30% after lots of help from the weather - not nearly as windy or hot today as it's been, and there was even some rain that wasn't quite expected!) He knows what he's doing, he doesn't beat around the bush, and he inspires a lot of confidence that this fire will be beaten.
3. This whole thing is a reminder that every place has its own version of natural disasters - we don't get hurricanes, we don't usually get a lot of flooding, we don't get a lot of tornadoes except out east, and even then it's not usually quite as bad as the ones you see in Oklahoma or Missouri or thereabouts. We get fires, though. A lot of them. On Tuesday, the same day that the Black Forest fire started, there were three or four other fires that started around the state. And this week there have been multiple small fires reported that thankfully have been taken care of pretty quickly. There's one still burning up at Rocky Mountain, but I think that one's not really too concerning and hasn't grown too big (and has at least a fair amount of containment), and the one down at the Royal Gorge is still burning but mostly only damaged the buildings around the bridge (as in, pretty much all of them, which is going to be hard for the economy in that area since it's a big money-maker) and is now up to 65% containment. But...it's only June 14. I really hope we start getting a lot of rain, and soon, because fires are just devastating. Maybe (fingers crossed) this will be the worst week of the summer, fire-starting-wise. Last year when the Waldo Canyon fire started there had been a couple of weeks with big-ish fires starting, and some of them were still going strong when that one started. Once we got over the worst of it, though, I don't remember a lot of other fires for the rest of the summer. There probably were at least a few, though, that just obviously didn't get the coverage.
4. Well. In completely other news. Remember the job to which I recently alluded? I'm going to go be a teacher at a small Catholic school in Montrose, CO. I've wanted to be a teacher off and on for years, but have always talked myself out of it for one reason or another. It looks like God might have wanted it, too, because the way this all came together was almost startlingly easy, especially when I kept facing rejection from other jobs where I was applying. I didn't just take this because it's the only offer I've gotten, though. I could have just moved back home for a little while, found something temporary, done some volunteering in the area I was wanting to move toward, and tried again in a few months. This position just felt...right. And I'm at peace with it, which is good. I have moments of little excitement bubbles pop up once in a while, and some moments of apprehension since it will all be so different, but mostly it's just peace. And I'm going to take that as a good sign.
5. I found a new type of cactus tonight. (Well, new to me. Obvs.) Apparently it's called a crimson hedgehog cactus, which is a pretty delightful name. Its flowers are such a rich, vibrant red, which is why I saw this thing in the first place. I saw it along a path I've walked thousands upon thousands of times, though tucked up on a hill a bit (near where I noticed for the first time last year a sort of cactus tree/bush-type-thing, which I think is a Staghorn Cholla cactus). I don't know how I've missed it all these years, although I have no idea how long it's been there, and I've only been in that park sporadically the last several years, and really have only been cactus-flower-obsessed for the last five or so years, so I easily could have missed when it bloomed and otherwise would never have noticed it. Point is, it's gorgeous, I'm in love, and cacti delight me. (To look at. Not to touch. Or have my poor pups step on.)
6. You might know that I'm a big fan of knitting. A couple of years ago, when I was getting more serious about knitting, I decided it was time to get a more serious set of knitting needles. I stumbled across a brand that got pretty good reviews, and they're pretty quality, so I bought a tester pair. They were great - but not cheap. Handmade, American-made. Small, family-owned business. Around the same time, I also got a set of interchangeable knitting needles with pretty much the full range a knitter needs (unless you're a fan of knitting either socks, which can sometimes require the smaller end than your average set goes, or afghans, which sometimes requires the larger end. I'm on the afghan side of things). They're great, and so nice to have. But...when you knit as much as I do, it's easy to justify having more than one set. (Sometimes I'm knitting something, and start something else that requires the same size needle!) Well, with my tax return one year I ordered a set, and love them. They're pretty, they're great to use, and I love them. The trouble is, this company offers needles in multiple colors. And...well...last year, again with my tax return (in hindsight, perhaps I should have foregone this purchase, but at the time I didn't quite realize...things), I ordered another set. And here's something else to note: sometimes, with handmade, small-company-made items, which become popular and lots of people want them, it can take a while for them to be made and sent to you. So here we are, almost exactly 15 months to the day I ordered them, and I finally just received a shipping notice today. Point is, I'm excited, and yay knitting needles. I don't have expensive taste with almost anything else, but when it comes to knitting, I just really like to have quality things. Yet another reason why I really should start trying to make money off of something I love to do.
7. I have to say, though it stinks that a tragedy like this fire (and last year's fire) is what causes it to come out in full force, it's so great seeing how giving the Colorado Springs community is. It's not exactly a small city, but everyone steps up in times like this. It's so inspiring. I can't imagine, for example, Denver being like this if something similar happened. Maybe parts of Denver, but that's the thing - "Denver" encompasses like 18 little "cities" and there's definitely not the sense of community that the Springs has, even though area-size-wise, Colorado Springs is pretty sprawling. Obviously, it's not at all small-town-feel, but it's a community that steps up when necessary. It's great. Part of the reason I hope I eventually do get to come back to the Springs to live long-term, unless of course I get to Montrose and fall in love. Either with it or with my Catholic rancher (who as yet doesn't exist...but...you never know...). But I'll always love the Springs, even with its faults.
Also, ps, I still am maintaining that 2013 cannot be done soon enough. A lot of really, really sad things have happened both to people I know and people I don't know. Obviously this is the case all the time, since we live on earth and not in heaven, but it just seems particularly condensed this year. Maybe it's just me; I don't know. And maybe things will just improve from here on out and 2013 will end on a great note somehow. I hope that's the case.
Monday, June 10, 2013
Not Alone Series: Introduction
I'm a little late in entering this lovely series, hosted by Morgan. I only just stumbled across it the other day, and it seems like such a wonderful idea! In a social circle that inevitably gets more and more filled with married people, it can sometimes seem a very lonely place for singles. I'm excited to get to know all the lovely ladies participating!
As for me, I'm 27, living in Colorado, and soon to be starting a new job in a new town that's approximately .6% the population of the metro area where I currently live, and a job that's completely different from what I've been doing the past couple of years. Talk about putting my faith and trust in God! It will be a good move for me, I think, though it is quite intimidating.
Other than that, I've lived in Colorado most of my life, spent six years elsewhere getting my BA and MTS, and hope to stay in Colorado for quite some time. I love the mountains, hiking, and being outside in general; I love snow and rain, and I love spring; I love elk and buffalo and my dog; I love knitting and watching movies. I love my family - I have two brothers and a sister, and my sister is married and I have the two cutest nephews around.
Oh, and I've been single forever. It sure feels that way, anyway. I'm pretty sure that I'm called to marriage (more on that in the next installment!), but I'm also pretty sure God's asking me to keep waiting for a little while. He has some things still to teach me first. It's hard, especially right now (prime "wedding season"), and especially since the number of non-married friends I have is steadily dwindling, but God brings all things to good.
I'm really looking forward to participating in this great group!
(Now onto discernment!)
Saturday, June 08, 2013
Oh, life. You are funny sometimes.
Last night, I watched Indiana Jones: Raiders of the Lost Ark. The only reason that's interesting is because, other than the fact that it's a great movie, I only have it on VHS. Taped from TV. In January 1991. The reason I know it's January 1991? The extremely 1991-ish commercials (including car commercials proudly announcing their 1991 models). Generally I hate commercials - I'm a big fan of the mute button when I watch TV. But my family has a plethora of movies taped-from-TV, since, hi, frugal parents with four kids. You do what you have to. Therefore, we have a good cache of awesome commercials taped from a time when commercials were awesome - and even had their own jingles. Remember when commercials had their own jingles, rather than just taking random songs and throwing them in, sometimes inexplicably since the song is not at all related to the product? Yeah. Good days. Anyway. It's always fun to watch those. It's one of the reasons I still keep my 13" tube tv - it's a tv/vcr combo because I'm cool like that. Though, I'm not sure how much longer the VCR is going to hold out.
I'm not quite ready to announce it officially, but I've finally listened to God and followed him where I think he wants me to be next year (or longer). And by next year I mean August, since I still calculate everything by school years. Being in school until you're almost 26, and then taking a job with an organization that works with colleges and thus also always has school years in mind will do that to a person. Anyhoo...yeah. This whole process has been very weird and slightly surreal and kind of like it's someone else. It's been almost oddly easy the whole way, and while I wouldn't say that I'm excited, per se, there's been a great deal of peace about the whole thing, which is a pretty good sign, I think. I've always told God that I'm really bad at deciding between options, and he knows that about me, so I've been asking him to make it clear by not giving me a lot of options between which to decide. (Which might also be part of the reason I'm always so incredibly single. God just wants me to have the one, and he just hasn't shown up yet.) Maybe that's not a great way to go about it, but this particular opportunity just makes sense and I really think I see God's working in the whole thing. At least, I hope so. It's scary, though, because it's a huge change from anything I've ever done or anywhere I've been. But sometimes a little scary is good. I just think this is right. (If I'm wrong, well, I guess I'll figure that out eventually.) And I think I'm going to get a bike. Once I can afford one...
I'm kind of bummed, because I was really hoping to get up to Estes Park again before I move at the end of this month. I was especially wanting to go this weekend because it's the annual Estes Park Wool Market, which is pretty much my idea of a perfect event - alpacas, llamas, knitting, and lots and lots of wool and people who love wool as much as I do. AND it's in my favorite town! But, alas, cost of gas and lack of people with free time are working against me this weekend (and next weekend I'll be in the Springs, and the weekend after that I'm moving most of my stuff down to my parents', and the weekend after that is our official move-out. So. Not looking likely for another Estes trip before I move. Alas. On the bright side, though, one of my roommates and I are going to go for a little hike somewhere slightly closer tomorrow, which will be nice. And cheaper. (Hiking is free, but gas is not, which stinks. And when I go hiking, I like going somewhere where the views aren't of Denver metro, but of peaks and valleys and non-civilization, which means driving a bit farther than down the road.)
I'm really excited to get a bike and bike places. And live in a place that's not very populated. Though, that will take a bit of getting used to... (Seriously. It'll be going from living in a metro place with something like 2.7mil to a town with 15,000. That is...a not-insignificant difference.)
I'm going to start running again. I mapped out a mile-long circle around my house and have every intention of doing it. I'm so out of shape, and I have some poundage that really needs to be not on me anymore. I'm sick of it. I'm moving back with my parents temporarily, so for at least a month or so I'll have the unignorable (hi, imaginary word) excuse of a dog to make me get out every day while I'm there. And that's better than nothing, at least. But I'm hoping I can get into a routine of waking up early - not at all one of my favorite things to do - and going before work, because lame and weird as it sounds, I hate taking lots of showers, and I dislike showering at night, and if I go for a run after work I'd have to take two showers. (Seriously. Lamest excuse in the history of excuses, but sometimes I don't want to go for a run almost solely because it'd mean having to take another shower. Sometimes I get over this, but sometimes...not so much.) But. The running need to happen. The exercising.
Anyway. Enough of my ramblings for one night.
I'm not quite ready to announce it officially, but I've finally listened to God and followed him where I think he wants me to be next year (or longer). And by next year I mean August, since I still calculate everything by school years. Being in school until you're almost 26, and then taking a job with an organization that works with colleges and thus also always has school years in mind will do that to a person. Anyhoo...yeah. This whole process has been very weird and slightly surreal and kind of like it's someone else. It's been almost oddly easy the whole way, and while I wouldn't say that I'm excited, per se, there's been a great deal of peace about the whole thing, which is a pretty good sign, I think. I've always told God that I'm really bad at deciding between options, and he knows that about me, so I've been asking him to make it clear by not giving me a lot of options between which to decide. (Which might also be part of the reason I'm always so incredibly single. God just wants me to have the one, and he just hasn't shown up yet.) Maybe that's not a great way to go about it, but this particular opportunity just makes sense and I really think I see God's working in the whole thing. At least, I hope so. It's scary, though, because it's a huge change from anything I've ever done or anywhere I've been. But sometimes a little scary is good. I just think this is right. (If I'm wrong, well, I guess I'll figure that out eventually.) And I think I'm going to get a bike. Once I can afford one...
I'm kind of bummed, because I was really hoping to get up to Estes Park again before I move at the end of this month. I was especially wanting to go this weekend because it's the annual Estes Park Wool Market, which is pretty much my idea of a perfect event - alpacas, llamas, knitting, and lots and lots of wool and people who love wool as much as I do. AND it's in my favorite town! But, alas, cost of gas and lack of people with free time are working against me this weekend (and next weekend I'll be in the Springs, and the weekend after that I'm moving most of my stuff down to my parents', and the weekend after that is our official move-out. So. Not looking likely for another Estes trip before I move. Alas. On the bright side, though, one of my roommates and I are going to go for a little hike somewhere slightly closer tomorrow, which will be nice. And cheaper. (Hiking is free, but gas is not, which stinks. And when I go hiking, I like going somewhere where the views aren't of Denver metro, but of peaks and valleys and non-civilization, which means driving a bit farther than down the road.)
I'm really excited to get a bike and bike places. And live in a place that's not very populated. Though, that will take a bit of getting used to... (Seriously. It'll be going from living in a metro place with something like 2.7mil to a town with 15,000. That is...a not-insignificant difference.)
I'm going to start running again. I mapped out a mile-long circle around my house and have every intention of doing it. I'm so out of shape, and I have some poundage that really needs to be not on me anymore. I'm sick of it. I'm moving back with my parents temporarily, so for at least a month or so I'll have the unignorable (hi, imaginary word) excuse of a dog to make me get out every day while I'm there. And that's better than nothing, at least. But I'm hoping I can get into a routine of waking up early - not at all one of my favorite things to do - and going before work, because lame and weird as it sounds, I hate taking lots of showers, and I dislike showering at night, and if I go for a run after work I'd have to take two showers. (Seriously. Lamest excuse in the history of excuses, but sometimes I don't want to go for a run almost solely because it'd mean having to take another shower. Sometimes I get over this, but sometimes...not so much.) But. The running need to happen. The exercising.
Anyway. Enough of my ramblings for one night.
Friday, June 07, 2013
Seven Pics Takes
As I alluded to in my last post, I took a little road trip this weekend. (By the way, I think I was made for road trips across non-populous America on two-lane highways. I assume doing it with someone else whom I really enjoy would be great, but I'm also pretty good at going it alone. Thankfully for the most part I enjoy my own company, though I do get on my nerves sometimes. But.) America really is beautiful. And Colorado? Well, hoo boy I love it. I've spent most of the 25 years we've lived here just experiencing the Front Range for the most part, with some excursions elsewhere, but all for the most part seeing the same or similar views. It's the Colorado I know, the Colorado I love, the Colorado with which I'm familiar. That said, Colorado has a whole heck of a lot to offer beyond the typical rocky mountain vistas.
1. Teeny, beautiful mountain towns.
2. Waterfalls!
3. Water!
4. Hills that aren't really typical Rocky Mountains.
5. Old, disintegrating mines.
6. Open roads with nary a town in sight.
7. Mountains + pastures.
1. Teeny, beautiful mountain towns.
Ok, this one's kind of cheating since it is pretty typically Colorado. But look at how pretty!
2. Waterfalls!
Lurvely.
3. Water!
I drove past a great deal more water than I would have expected. Though, I expect people who live in non-desert regions might laugh at my idea of "a great deal more." I did have to drive over two! bridges, though. That doesn't happen to me often.
4. Hills that aren't really typical Rocky Mountains.
It's not quite familiar, but it's beautiful and makes my heart happy.
5. Old, disintegrating mines.
Again, this is pretty typical Colorado, but I just really, really love old mines.
6. Open roads with nary a town in sight.
Such a better view than crowded buildings and skylines. Hands down, always and forever.
7. Mountains + pastures.
Making this one a twofer because...the pretty!
I saw a lot more gorgeous sights along the way (in particular, there were one or two spots, and then maybe two or three more, that will be mind-blowingly gorgeous come fall when the aspens change colors), but it's hard taking pictures while driving when there's no one else to take over the driving (or the picture-taking). So those will have to remain mental pictures, just for my enjoyment (until you take a trip on 285 and/or 50. Which I highly recommend. Or another two-lane highway somewhere in the middle of nowhere).
Who wants to roadtrip with me next time? I'm thinking a drive out to Utah is in order. Maybe Grand Canyon. I'd also like to visit Yellowstone again, since the first and only time I went I was around 5 and not quite appreciative of beauty. Sigh. Someday...
Visit Jen for more!
Wednesday, June 05, 2013
Hi, I'm Susie and sometimes I forget to finish posts.
First off, I just need to express how full my heart is of today's loveliness. Nothing extreme or terribly special or exciting, but I'm home this weekend, and it's absolutely gorgeous (who'd have thunk that I would be so excited about temps in the mid 80s, and yet, I just love it!). I took the scenic route driving down from Denver yesterday evening, which means I got off the interstate in Castle Rock and drove on the highway east of Castle Rock (and everything else in between). Side note: I think I would love living in Castle Rock, if I ever had a reason to do so. The scenic route I took drove me past lots and lots of ranches and homes on really pretty, delightfully green land - and multiple ranches that were for sale. Ah, if only. So, that whole drive put me in a really good pro-Colorado mood (because, you know, that's so hard to do with me). My parents' yard is absolutely gorgeous - we've always had aspens in our front yard, though we pretty much had to start over from scratch one year more than 15 years ago when most of them were hit with some kind of fungus that killed them. Since then, Dad's been growing them back, and when he redid the yard at some point in the last several years, taking out most of the grass and replacing it with rock, he expanded the aspen grove area. This year, I think, is the first year that the newer trees are really mature and big enough to make it look like an honest-to-goodness lovely aspen grove. It's just so green and aspen-y in there now! I love it. I have a thing for aspen groves, and having one in my parents' front yard is pretty fantastic.
Also, I knit for approximately...I don't know, 7 or 8 hours last night (slash...this morning), plus another hour after I woke up, in a marathon attempt to get a knitting project done on time. (Obviously, I had grossly underestimated how long this project was going to take - and earlier this week underestimated how much I had left to do, and unlike other presents I've made, this one had a pretty firm due date.) Though I'm sleep deprived, and though I knit so fast and furiously last night that I reached a point where, despite how close I was to finishing, my hand was bothering me to the point that I just had to give up, it was so satisfying. And the end result was lovely, and I was proud to be able to give it as a gift. Knitting is just the best.
Now that I've gotten that out of the way, on to other things. Specifically, this article I came across yesterday. It really echoes what's been in my heart, sometimes reluctantly and annoyingly but other times in exactly the way I need it to be. It's been a tough few months for me in some ways, but in other ways it's been really, really good for me. It's teaching me how to be more detached, which I really need, and how to rely more on God - and to believe that he absolutely does want me to be happy. But the kicker there is that "happy" as God sees it doesn't mean I'm going to have lots of money, or live in the same city as my family, or have a job doing what I think, logically, would give me lots of pleasure. ("Elk watcher" isn't really a job.) Etc. Maybe it doesn't even mean I'll get married. Who knows. What pursuing happiness means is following the will of God. A lot easier said than done, of course, and it inherently means that this requires a lot of hard work praying and actively striving to figure out and follow as best we can the will of God. It's not easy. But it's worth it.
I go through moments where I stubbornly stick to this one perfect idea of what I think will make me happy, and then I get annoyed when God doesn't give that to me. And then I go to the other extreme, thinking I should start pursuing things that don't really give me any happiness or peace even just to think of them, but figuring that maybe it's what God wants because he wants me to give up everything, even the things I love that bring me happiness and contentment. I think the past few months are starting to have the effect of enabling me to find a balance between these two extremes - God made me as I am, and he made me to love the heck out of certain things, and that's a good thing that I shouldn't ignore. But I am also a flawed human being, who sometimes desires things that really wouldn't be the best for me. I can't see that so much, especially in the here and now, but God sees that. He's protected me from a lot, even when it seems like he's just denying me. I think more than anything, the last few months - and really, especially the last few weeks - have really been teaching me (the hard way, because apparently I'm so thick-headed that's the way I need to learn) how to let go of things, let go of myself, and just trust in God. Trust that he'll give me what I need. Trust that he'll show me the right path. Trust that even when it hurts, God knows that too and is still there.
For so long, I've been fighting so hard to figure out what God wants for me without really allowing him to work in my life. I've been making it too hard. I've known this, or long suspected it, but wasn't sure how to change it. Stubbornly sticking only to the things I want, while saying I'm open to God's will but not really allowing myself to think his will is outside of the box I created, or, alternately, completely disregarding the things that make me the person God created while again saying I'm searching for God's will - neither of these things really make sense. God wants to surprise us and give us joy! He wants me to be open to his working in my life, which means that he's going to work with the person that is Susie that he created specifically for the reason I exist. He made me to love and delight in mountains in such a way that I might not really be able to be fully who he created if I take a job in flatland USA just because it's maybe sort of something that I might think he wants me to do. For example. (Now, whether or not it's true that I can't fully be the me he created if I don't have a backdrop of mountains out my window remains to be seen.) The point is, I need to stop clinging to the things that make me comfortable and the things I think I need and just let go. It's entirely possible that once I stop clinging to certain things, God will give them right back to me - but he wants to give them to me. That's the point, I think. I can't be happy if I'm worried about losing what I love. I can be happy if I accept the things I love as such a great gift from God.
Right now, there's a job on the horizon that's a very likely possibility. I'm going down there next weekend to see it in person - I've already interviewed and they seem to like me well enough (which is in and of itself a small miracle and a very bright light in the darkness that has been this job search). It's really funny how it all came about, and certain things about it just seem so completely and ridiculously right. It's way different from what I'm doing now (but pretty much anything I've been looking at is different, since what I'm doing now isn't what I need to be doing with my life), but it's also something I've long felt drawn to and somehow never pursued. It's in a place I think I could love (though I'm reserving effusive praise until I actually see it in person - though, it's about 30 miles away from a town in Colorado that I've wanted to visit for years. That's a good start, I think). The thought of doing this job makes me more excited than other jobs I've applied for, or, at the least, excited in a different, more peaceful way. The biggest concern for me right now is the financial aspect, because I wouldn't really be making more than I am now (and what I'm making now really isn't sustainable). I'd be saving more in other areas, though, and, more importantly, I'd be doing something that I think I'd enjoy - and at the very least, if it turns out I don't, I'd still be getting experience in the right direction.
There's too much peace in this for me to ignore it. I've been telling God that he's going to have to make it obvious where he wants me - even if that means only letting me get one job offer at the expense of my self-confidence. I don't need self-confidence as much as I need confidence in God. And every step of the process with this job has been almost too easy, which makes sense if it's really where God wants me. It might still not work out, and that'll be ok, because there will be something else. But it also might work out and be really great. Even though the money thing is a concern, God's managed to take care of me pretty well this whole time, making sure I have juuuuust enough to squeeze out all my bills and loans and living expenses each month, sometimes through random circumstances and sometimes through other means. Sure, it's getting really old not to be able to go drive up to Estes Park because gas is approximately $15.76/gal and my car gets approximately 3 miles/gal (both are perhaps slight exaggerations), but that's just the way things are right now.
I guess the point is, sometimes I like to rail and complain and whinge to God about what I don't have in my life, or the problems I do have, when it seems like everyone else gets the things I want - and it seems so easy for them. But guess what? They're not me. I'm not them. God has something else in mind for me - different crosses, different joys. And that's good and beautiful and really hard but really worth it. I'm excited to see what's coming up, excited to walk that path with God and hopefully stick to it, excited to see the person God wants me to become.
*I think there was more I was going to say, but I wrote this almost two weeks ago (on 5/25). And now I have to write a new post with an update, since my visit to this prospective job has come and gone as of this past weekend. So...on to that post, I guess! Or maybe not quite yet. :)
Also, I knit for approximately...I don't know, 7 or 8 hours last night (slash...this morning), plus another hour after I woke up, in a marathon attempt to get a knitting project done on time. (Obviously, I had grossly underestimated how long this project was going to take - and earlier this week underestimated how much I had left to do, and unlike other presents I've made, this one had a pretty firm due date.) Though I'm sleep deprived, and though I knit so fast and furiously last night that I reached a point where, despite how close I was to finishing, my hand was bothering me to the point that I just had to give up, it was so satisfying. And the end result was lovely, and I was proud to be able to give it as a gift. Knitting is just the best.
Now that I've gotten that out of the way, on to other things. Specifically, this article I came across yesterday. It really echoes what's been in my heart, sometimes reluctantly and annoyingly but other times in exactly the way I need it to be. It's been a tough few months for me in some ways, but in other ways it's been really, really good for me. It's teaching me how to be more detached, which I really need, and how to rely more on God - and to believe that he absolutely does want me to be happy. But the kicker there is that "happy" as God sees it doesn't mean I'm going to have lots of money, or live in the same city as my family, or have a job doing what I think, logically, would give me lots of pleasure. ("Elk watcher" isn't really a job.) Etc. Maybe it doesn't even mean I'll get married. Who knows. What pursuing happiness means is following the will of God. A lot easier said than done, of course, and it inherently means that this requires a lot of hard work praying and actively striving to figure out and follow as best we can the will of God. It's not easy. But it's worth it.
I go through moments where I stubbornly stick to this one perfect idea of what I think will make me happy, and then I get annoyed when God doesn't give that to me. And then I go to the other extreme, thinking I should start pursuing things that don't really give me any happiness or peace even just to think of them, but figuring that maybe it's what God wants because he wants me to give up everything, even the things I love that bring me happiness and contentment. I think the past few months are starting to have the effect of enabling me to find a balance between these two extremes - God made me as I am, and he made me to love the heck out of certain things, and that's a good thing that I shouldn't ignore. But I am also a flawed human being, who sometimes desires things that really wouldn't be the best for me. I can't see that so much, especially in the here and now, but God sees that. He's protected me from a lot, even when it seems like he's just denying me. I think more than anything, the last few months - and really, especially the last few weeks - have really been teaching me (the hard way, because apparently I'm so thick-headed that's the way I need to learn) how to let go of things, let go of myself, and just trust in God. Trust that he'll give me what I need. Trust that he'll show me the right path. Trust that even when it hurts, God knows that too and is still there.
For so long, I've been fighting so hard to figure out what God wants for me without really allowing him to work in my life. I've been making it too hard. I've known this, or long suspected it, but wasn't sure how to change it. Stubbornly sticking only to the things I want, while saying I'm open to God's will but not really allowing myself to think his will is outside of the box I created, or, alternately, completely disregarding the things that make me the person God created while again saying I'm searching for God's will - neither of these things really make sense. God wants to surprise us and give us joy! He wants me to be open to his working in my life, which means that he's going to work with the person that is Susie that he created specifically for the reason I exist. He made me to love and delight in mountains in such a way that I might not really be able to be fully who he created if I take a job in flatland USA just because it's maybe sort of something that I might think he wants me to do. For example. (Now, whether or not it's true that I can't fully be the me he created if I don't have a backdrop of mountains out my window remains to be seen.) The point is, I need to stop clinging to the things that make me comfortable and the things I think I need and just let go. It's entirely possible that once I stop clinging to certain things, God will give them right back to me - but he wants to give them to me. That's the point, I think. I can't be happy if I'm worried about losing what I love. I can be happy if I accept the things I love as such a great gift from God.
Right now, there's a job on the horizon that's a very likely possibility. I'm going down there next weekend to see it in person - I've already interviewed and they seem to like me well enough (which is in and of itself a small miracle and a very bright light in the darkness that has been this job search). It's really funny how it all came about, and certain things about it just seem so completely and ridiculously right. It's way different from what I'm doing now (but pretty much anything I've been looking at is different, since what I'm doing now isn't what I need to be doing with my life), but it's also something I've long felt drawn to and somehow never pursued. It's in a place I think I could love (though I'm reserving effusive praise until I actually see it in person - though, it's about 30 miles away from a town in Colorado that I've wanted to visit for years. That's a good start, I think). The thought of doing this job makes me more excited than other jobs I've applied for, or, at the least, excited in a different, more peaceful way. The biggest concern for me right now is the financial aspect, because I wouldn't really be making more than I am now (and what I'm making now really isn't sustainable). I'd be saving more in other areas, though, and, more importantly, I'd be doing something that I think I'd enjoy - and at the very least, if it turns out I don't, I'd still be getting experience in the right direction.
There's too much peace in this for me to ignore it. I've been telling God that he's going to have to make it obvious where he wants me - even if that means only letting me get one job offer at the expense of my self-confidence. I don't need self-confidence as much as I need confidence in God. And every step of the process with this job has been almost too easy, which makes sense if it's really where God wants me. It might still not work out, and that'll be ok, because there will be something else. But it also might work out and be really great. Even though the money thing is a concern, God's managed to take care of me pretty well this whole time, making sure I have juuuuust enough to squeeze out all my bills and loans and living expenses each month, sometimes through random circumstances and sometimes through other means. Sure, it's getting really old not to be able to go drive up to Estes Park because gas is approximately $15.76/gal and my car gets approximately 3 miles/gal (both are perhaps slight exaggerations), but that's just the way things are right now.
I guess the point is, sometimes I like to rail and complain and whinge to God about what I don't have in my life, or the problems I do have, when it seems like everyone else gets the things I want - and it seems so easy for them. But guess what? They're not me. I'm not them. God has something else in mind for me - different crosses, different joys. And that's good and beautiful and really hard but really worth it. I'm excited to see what's coming up, excited to walk that path with God and hopefully stick to it, excited to see the person God wants me to become.
*I think there was more I was going to say, but I wrote this almost two weeks ago (on 5/25). And now I have to write a new post with an update, since my visit to this prospective job has come and gone as of this past weekend. So...on to that post, I guess! Or maybe not quite yet. :)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)