Talking about my real life is infinitely more boring than talking about my knitting.
...
Gosh. I'm like an 80-year-old. Without grandchildren to boast about.
(Seriously, though, it's true. Knitting is all I've got right now. I'm basically not even a full person. Just a knitter. And not even a spectacular one, but a run-of-the-mill knitter. I mean, who can't follow a basic pattern, right? It's not like I make my own. But still. I love following directions. Always. Of any kind. Thus, following a knitting pattern = happy Susie, with something to show for the effort.)
Maybe someday I'll have more to write about here beyond my hatred of DC, my love of and pining for Colorado, my lack of relationships, my utter devoidedness of a vocation/desire for any career beyond park ranger, and...what else...oh, did I mention my unhappiness? Or my love of knitting?
Yeah. Anyway. I no longer wonder that friends don't really try to keep in touch with me; I have nothing to talk about. I barely keep in touch with me. Barrel of fun right here, folks!
So, don't mind me, I'm just going to go back to my knitting and hope that someday someone hires me to be the official knitter for something. Which will never happen because handmade knitted items are joke pieces, not desired-after products. But that's ok, because it still makes me happy.
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Monday, June 28, 2010
That's how they keep you coming back...
Since yesterday's post ended on such a high note, I just wanted to mention something tonight.
I went to Mass today after work. Not very noteworthy, as I always do that (or go during the day at work). I came close to deciding just to go home instead of go across the street for Mass, but thankfully once in awhile I know a good thing when it's there, and I went. And lo and behold, the homily was one of those that just seem so appropriate to one's current life situation. Today's wasn't what I would call breathtaking, or ephiphanific, or anything I hadn't heard before, but it fit. The priest (who is one I really like to listen to, as he just has the greatest voice) talked about the apostles, and those that Jesus called, who just dropped everything in their lives to go and preach as he told them to. They didn't know where they were going. They didn't know where they would be sleeping the next night, or where they'd get food. They all had jobs, and friends, and families, but Jesus told them that he wanted them for a certain task. A task that involved leaving all that they knew, all that was familiar, and teaching something that many probably didn't want to hear or at best were indifferent towards.
There was more to the homily, of course, and obviously this is sort of general, run-of-the-mill stuff (I mean, good stuff, and something we can't hear enough especially with our propensity towards attachment to stuff and things and people and places). And I am by no means saying I'm anything like the apostles were. Whoo boy no. But I am here, where I am, in this unfamiliar place I'd rather not be, far away from everyone I love, because I felt God calling me here. (There is that part of me that thinks, "Well, they had it easy - Jesus outright told them what to do. There was no questioning on their parts what God's will was.") It would be a lot easier if I actually knew that God called me here, and is continuing to call me to be here, rather than just a vague feeling I had a year ago when I decided to do this. But I did have that last year. And I must have had it for a reason. God knows that the only reason I'm here, still here, continuing to be here, is because I think he wants me to be. So I just have to trust that, if that changes, somehow he'll let me know. (Cue the part where I say "Maybe my deep unhappiness is him trying to tell me I can leave now." But I sort of don't think that's true.)
Anyway. It still sucks, but if it's God's will, he'll get me through it. And if he doesn't really need me to be here, but I stay here because I don't know that I can leave and I just want to do what he wants for me, I just have to trust that he'll make the best of it for me. I don't know if that makes any sense to anyone, but I think it makes sense in my head. And as long as I'm at a point where I can accept this as it is, and trust that God will make good come from it one way or another, then I'll be ok. Or...good enough to keep on keepin' on, I guess.
I went to Mass today after work. Not very noteworthy, as I always do that (or go during the day at work). I came close to deciding just to go home instead of go across the street for Mass, but thankfully once in awhile I know a good thing when it's there, and I went. And lo and behold, the homily was one of those that just seem so appropriate to one's current life situation. Today's wasn't what I would call breathtaking, or ephiphanific, or anything I hadn't heard before, but it fit. The priest (who is one I really like to listen to, as he just has the greatest voice) talked about the apostles, and those that Jesus called, who just dropped everything in their lives to go and preach as he told them to. They didn't know where they were going. They didn't know where they would be sleeping the next night, or where they'd get food. They all had jobs, and friends, and families, but Jesus told them that he wanted them for a certain task. A task that involved leaving all that they knew, all that was familiar, and teaching something that many probably didn't want to hear or at best were indifferent towards.
There was more to the homily, of course, and obviously this is sort of general, run-of-the-mill stuff (I mean, good stuff, and something we can't hear enough especially with our propensity towards attachment to stuff and things and people and places). And I am by no means saying I'm anything like the apostles were. Whoo boy no. But I am here, where I am, in this unfamiliar place I'd rather not be, far away from everyone I love, because I felt God calling me here. (There is that part of me that thinks, "Well, they had it easy - Jesus outright told them what to do. There was no questioning on their parts what God's will was.") It would be a lot easier if I actually knew that God called me here, and is continuing to call me to be here, rather than just a vague feeling I had a year ago when I decided to do this. But I did have that last year. And I must have had it for a reason. God knows that the only reason I'm here, still here, continuing to be here, is because I think he wants me to be. So I just have to trust that, if that changes, somehow he'll let me know. (Cue the part where I say "Maybe my deep unhappiness is him trying to tell me I can leave now." But I sort of don't think that's true.)
Anyway. It still sucks, but if it's God's will, he'll get me through it. And if he doesn't really need me to be here, but I stay here because I don't know that I can leave and I just want to do what he wants for me, I just have to trust that he'll make the best of it for me. I don't know if that makes any sense to anyone, but I think it makes sense in my head. And as long as I'm at a point where I can accept this as it is, and trust that God will make good come from it one way or another, then I'll be ok. Or...good enough to keep on keepin' on, I guess.
Happy birthday Jimmy!
He's sure not a baby anymore...
Love ya, kiddo!
Sunday, June 27, 2010
Once there was a way to get back home...
Ok. I'm just going to air my list of grievances, even though it's not Festivus.
I also need to figure out a better system for my yarn. It's currently sitting mostly in a plastic bin, separated into different shopping bags, mostly separated by color. But that means whenever I want to find a certain color, I just have to pull out bag after bag until I find what I'm looking for, and then it's just all a mess. But I don't know how to make it un-messy, or where I would fit something that could help systematize, and I don't know that I want to make that much of an effort for a place I'll be leaving next summer.
Did I mention that my knitting is the only thing right now keeping me from completely losing it? It really is. I mean, that and Mass are basically the only things I've been getting much joy from lately. And "joy" might be overstating it a bit. Even my job is just...I don't know. I'm not sure how much more I can take before I snap. Staring at a computer screen for eight hours a day, far too often aimlessly when there's not much to do. I need to be busier. I need more things to do. But it's been so slow lately, and it's killing me. Three more work weeks to get through before I get to go home. Thankfully, none of them are full weeks - I'm taking Friday off this week, we get Monday off next week, and I'm leaving for Colorado on Thursday of that third week. Gah. 17 more days, not counting today. 17 loooooong days.
I think staying here this summer is one of the worst things I could have done for myself. I picked money over happiness/sanity/companionship/anything good. And dude, money is soooo not worth it. (Especially when I spend more than I should because I'm just so depressed so I buy things like movies and books and whatever else I've bought this summer.) I know, money's important, but being here really, really sucks.
Really.
(Edit: I know people probably think I'm being girly and emotional and overdramatic and exaggerating and a huge crybaby and all that. And maybe I am. But really, truly, I can't quite describe or stress the negative effect this place is having on me. I've never felt quite like I do here, especially here this summer. It's a terrible, awful feeling, and if I could figure out how to stop it or make it better, believe me, I would. I think it's beyond that, though. And I think I just have to accept things for the sucky, sucky way they are this summer and possibly for the next year, and hope that I can make it out at the end without too much permanent damage, or the inability to have any sort of lasting or meaningful relationship of any sort. Who knows. Maybe I'll learn some great, grand lesson from it all at the end of everything. Or maybe I'll just go back to Colorado, Master's in hand, two years older, and go back to trying to figure out what I'm going to do with my life, trying to pick up the pieces of the life I had before I left.)
Sorry I'm so depressing. It's kind of funny, when you think about it.
- Ice melts too quickly here. It's annoying. And the condensation. I can't take the condensation. It makes me CRAZY.
- It's So. Hot. All. The. TIME. Seriously, almost 11pm and still in the 80s. That is not ok. Only almost 9pm back home right now, and it's 63 there. I MISS NEEDING A JACKET AT NIGHT.
- I really miss wearing my sweatshirts. I've always been a sweatshirts-in-summer kind of girl, because back home I get chilly at night. I miss being chilly at night.
- All the humidity and grossness here makes my bathroom mold like crazy. It's ridiculous. Ri-di-cu-lous. And also disgusting.
- Did I mention bugs? I ate outside today (sort of against my will, but I had already said I'd eat with them and then they decided to eat outside and I couldn't just say "Oh, well, never mind then", even though I've never been a fan of eating outside. And especially not here. And especially not here when it's in the 90s), and in the 20 minutes I was out there I got three or four bug bites. In the middle of the day. And that, my friends, is why Susie is an inside girl unless hiking or taking a walk or doing something that involves moving. (Well, here, anyway. It's not so bad in Colorado. But nothing is so bad in Colorado.)
- The Metro is raising their prices. Starting today, it's costing more, and they're doing it again on August 1 if I read correctly. And that one will be a doozy - an extra 20 cents during "peak-of-the-peak hours", which is basically any time I ever use the Metro. Which means an extra 40 cents a day. On top of what they're raising the prices today. Gahhhh I hate the metro.
- I really, really hate the metro, actually. I took it yesterday to go to a knitting store in Bethesda, which meant around 40 minutes each way. And the thing about the metro is, if you get on the same car as other people who aren't by themselves and thus talk loudly to each other, there's nothing you can do about it. When driving, you can control the volume of the music, or whether or not your windows are open so you can choose to hear, or not, noises from outside and other people and cars. In the metro, no such luck. And if there's someone listening loudly to their music (basically always happens, even though there are signs saying to keep music quiet), there's nothing you can do about it. Yesterday there was someone listening to his curse-filled rapper music - I'm pretty sure just listening to it, sans headphones or anything - and singing along. I mean, really? Irritating. The metro is nice for being able to do something while traveling, but it's hard to concentrate if you're trying to read when there's so much noise noise noise going on around you.
- Sometimes having a car would just be so nice. Even though I have my own room, it's hard to feel alone in a house with four girls. (Well, it's easy to feel completely alone in a different sense.) Sometimes I wish I could just get in my (nonexistent) car and drive somewhere. Anywhere. Even just to the store, on my own timetable, when I want to go. To be able to drive myself to work, and not have to be at the mercy of my roommate and whether or not she's driving, and when she's driving. To leave when I want. To listen to whatever music I feel like listening to. To have some control over something.
- It is really, really difficult living with four different people, all of whom have different living styles, and different ways of doing things, and no one wants to step on anyone's toes, and gah I don't know how I'm going to do it with five people come August. So very different than when living with multiple people who are family members. I seriously might just go crazy.
- I hate that this weather has caused me to crack and turn on the A/C. Every minute I hear the whirring of the air going through the vents, I think about how much it's going to make our electricity bill go up, and how much I wish I were home where A/C is unnecessary.
- It's especially annoying when it doesn't seem to be DOING anything. I know colder air is coming out of the vents. I can feel it. But only when I'm within a foot or two of any vent. I suppose it's cooler in the house than it would have been otherwise, but for the most part, it's still annoying. So, you know, that's not cool. Literally.
- I dislike that my room is right by the front door and the stairs where everyone walks when they come to or go from the house. It wakes me up sometimes. Most of the time it's not a big deal, but it's annoying. And I'm stuck in this room next year too because I was going to move one room down the hallway, but the girl moving in who was going to take this room asked if she could have that one instead because I told her about the noise thing and apparently she's a light sleeper. And I'm a pushover. And, whatever, it's fine, I'm used to this room and I know what to expect from it, but still. Bleh. It's too...in the middle of the house. Unsolituded. People have to walk past it to get anywhere, either on the side where my door is (to get to the two other rooms in this hallway, or to the bathroom), or on the side where the head of my bed is (to get to/from the door, or to go downstairs, or to the kitchen, or anywhere). I hate that. Hate hate it.
- It gets stuffy in my room (because it gets stuffy everywhere in this stupid city), but I hate opening my window because bugs always seem to come in when I do. Last time I did, a few evenings ago, I noticed after awhile that there were a few of these teeny bugs around the windowsill. And one on a pillow on my bed. And then I looked, and there were just a ton of them in my window, between the screen and where the window would be if it were closed. So that just disgusted me right out, and I haven't opened it since.
- I really hate this place.
I also need to figure out a better system for my yarn. It's currently sitting mostly in a plastic bin, separated into different shopping bags, mostly separated by color. But that means whenever I want to find a certain color, I just have to pull out bag after bag until I find what I'm looking for, and then it's just all a mess. But I don't know how to make it un-messy, or where I would fit something that could help systematize, and I don't know that I want to make that much of an effort for a place I'll be leaving next summer.
Did I mention that my knitting is the only thing right now keeping me from completely losing it? It really is. I mean, that and Mass are basically the only things I've been getting much joy from lately. And "joy" might be overstating it a bit. Even my job is just...I don't know. I'm not sure how much more I can take before I snap. Staring at a computer screen for eight hours a day, far too often aimlessly when there's not much to do. I need to be busier. I need more things to do. But it's been so slow lately, and it's killing me. Three more work weeks to get through before I get to go home. Thankfully, none of them are full weeks - I'm taking Friday off this week, we get Monday off next week, and I'm leaving for Colorado on Thursday of that third week. Gah. 17 more days, not counting today. 17 loooooong days.
I think staying here this summer is one of the worst things I could have done for myself. I picked money over happiness/sanity/companionship/anything good. And dude, money is soooo not worth it. (Especially when I spend more than I should because I'm just so depressed so I buy things like movies and books and whatever else I've bought this summer.) I know, money's important, but being here really, really sucks.
Really.
(Edit: I know people probably think I'm being girly and emotional and overdramatic and exaggerating and a huge crybaby and all that. And maybe I am. But really, truly, I can't quite describe or stress the negative effect this place is having on me. I've never felt quite like I do here, especially here this summer. It's a terrible, awful feeling, and if I could figure out how to stop it or make it better, believe me, I would. I think it's beyond that, though. And I think I just have to accept things for the sucky, sucky way they are this summer and possibly for the next year, and hope that I can make it out at the end without too much permanent damage, or the inability to have any sort of lasting or meaningful relationship of any sort. Who knows. Maybe I'll learn some great, grand lesson from it all at the end of everything. Or maybe I'll just go back to Colorado, Master's in hand, two years older, and go back to trying to figure out what I'm going to do with my life, trying to pick up the pieces of the life I had before I left.)
Sorry I'm so depressing. It's kind of funny, when you think about it.
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Knitting makes my life better
It's almost 9pm, and it's just now getting dark. I had one light turned on, but was planning on doing some knitting so I needed more light. I went to turn on the lamp on the other end of the couch, close to the big huge window we have looking onto our yard and street, and before I could flip the switch, I saw them.
Lightning bugs.
I've seen a handful here in DC before now, and of course I saw tons (and tons and tons and tons) up at Grandpop's last weekend - two nights of magic - but tonight, in my front yard, there are a bunch. Nothing like Grandpop's, and the atmosphere is quite less desirable, not to mention quite a bit less pretty, but...just a little something special from God. It's been a really long, tough day. Week. Month. Year. Nice to be able to watch some fireflies for a few minutes.
And all because I needed extra light for my knitting.
(I'm this close to jumping ship, going home, and figuring out how to make a living on knitting.)
(Seriously.)
I'm going a little crazy here, and starting to think that extending my internship was a bad, bad, baaaad choice. I know it's just the difference of a few weeks, or a month and a half, but being home for two weeks feels so much more inadequate than being home for almost two months. But that's what I did, and now I have to deal with it, and somehow make myself ok with it. I absolutely canNOT wait to get home, though. Three weeks. Three. Weeks. How am I going to make three weeks go by faster? Because if it's three weeks like this week has been, I'm not going to make it.
My plan: weekdays are all the same. Get up, work, go to Mass either during or after work come home. Maybe get back into running, but it's always so freaking hot and humid and I hate running so much, I'm not sure. I need to, though. Anyway. Then fill the rest of the night with knitting, reading, and Gilmore Girls-watching. Maybe switch it up with a movie now and again.
Weekends: this weekend my plan is to take a trip to a knitting store. There are at least a few in walking distance of various metro stations, so even though it's supposed to be hot (still), it'd be fun. I haven't gone yarn shopping in a very long time. I don't know that I'll buy anything, but it would be so nice just to go. Not to mention nice to get out of the house. There's a knitting store in Old Town (Alexandria), and I always hear such nice things about Old Town and have only ever driven through it rather briefly, a few weekends ago. Although I'm sure it'd be uber crowded on a Saturday afternoon. We'll see. Investigating will be done by me to have a good plan of action.
Speaking of going various places for an afternoon, I saw today that they're raising metro prices again, which is super annoying. Starting next week it's going to cost me almost $30 a week if I take the metro both ways every day. That's a lot of money. Each trip I take (and this is just to go the four stops to get to work) will cost me as much as a gallon of gas. That's a gallon of gas to go 7 miles. And if I want to go somewhere besides work, it's going to be even more. It's crap. Practically every other subway system that I know of has one flat rate, no matter the time of day, and you can go as short or far as you want for that one flat rate. But of course DC has to be different. And there's nothing riders can do about it. And at least most other places have some sort of monthly pass you can buy. And/or a student discount. DC has a 7-day pass (for which I would pay more than I usually use in a week's time), but that's about it.
Ah, but this post was supposed to be about my love of knitting, not my ever-increasing hatred for DC (which, by the way, defeated me even more today. I caved and turned on the A/C this afternoon. To approximately 76 degrees. I heard today's high broke a record, though, and was something like the highest June day ever, or something like that. So...goodie for me to get to experience that).
I love knitting. I really, really do. Even if everything else sucks, at least I have that.
Lightning bugs.
I've seen a handful here in DC before now, and of course I saw tons (and tons and tons and tons) up at Grandpop's last weekend - two nights of magic - but tonight, in my front yard, there are a bunch. Nothing like Grandpop's, and the atmosphere is quite less desirable, not to mention quite a bit less pretty, but...just a little something special from God. It's been a really long, tough day. Week. Month. Year. Nice to be able to watch some fireflies for a few minutes.
And all because I needed extra light for my knitting.
(I'm this close to jumping ship, going home, and figuring out how to make a living on knitting.)
(Seriously.)
I'm going a little crazy here, and starting to think that extending my internship was a bad, bad, baaaad choice. I know it's just the difference of a few weeks, or a month and a half, but being home for two weeks feels so much more inadequate than being home for almost two months. But that's what I did, and now I have to deal with it, and somehow make myself ok with it. I absolutely canNOT wait to get home, though. Three weeks. Three. Weeks. How am I going to make three weeks go by faster? Because if it's three weeks like this week has been, I'm not going to make it.
My plan: weekdays are all the same. Get up, work, go to Mass either during or after work come home. Maybe get back into running, but it's always so freaking hot and humid and I hate running so much, I'm not sure. I need to, though. Anyway. Then fill the rest of the night with knitting, reading, and Gilmore Girls-watching. Maybe switch it up with a movie now and again.
Weekends: this weekend my plan is to take a trip to a knitting store. There are at least a few in walking distance of various metro stations, so even though it's supposed to be hot (still), it'd be fun. I haven't gone yarn shopping in a very long time. I don't know that I'll buy anything, but it would be so nice just to go. Not to mention nice to get out of the house. There's a knitting store in Old Town (Alexandria), and I always hear such nice things about Old Town and have only ever driven through it rather briefly, a few weekends ago. Although I'm sure it'd be uber crowded on a Saturday afternoon. We'll see. Investigating will be done by me to have a good plan of action.
Speaking of going various places for an afternoon, I saw today that they're raising metro prices again, which is super annoying. Starting next week it's going to cost me almost $30 a week if I take the metro both ways every day. That's a lot of money. Each trip I take (and this is just to go the four stops to get to work) will cost me as much as a gallon of gas. That's a gallon of gas to go 7 miles. And if I want to go somewhere besides work, it's going to be even more. It's crap. Practically every other subway system that I know of has one flat rate, no matter the time of day, and you can go as short or far as you want for that one flat rate. But of course DC has to be different. And there's nothing riders can do about it. And at least most other places have some sort of monthly pass you can buy. And/or a student discount. DC has a 7-day pass (for which I would pay more than I usually use in a week's time), but that's about it.
Ah, but this post was supposed to be about my love of knitting, not my ever-increasing hatred for DC (which, by the way, defeated me even more today. I caved and turned on the A/C this afternoon. To approximately 76 degrees. I heard today's high broke a record, though, and was something like the highest June day ever, or something like that. So...goodie for me to get to experience that).
I love knitting. I really, really do. Even if everything else sucks, at least I have that.
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Knitaddiction
You guys, I started a knitting blog.
Yes I did.
It's called Knit and Things.
Leave me alone; coming up with titles is one of my least favorite things. No matter what it's for.
(And man, picking a URL name? Forget about it! That one is so final, too. I can change the name of the blog if I decide I hate it, but the url I'm stuck with.)
Anyway. I did it.
So now I'll put most of my knitting stuff over there. Not that I've been doing much of it here, since this blog has turned into "Woe is me, my life sucks, feel sorry for sad lonely little Susie."
Must also work on that. (Although, I've more or less accepted that it's just going to keep going that way for awhile. And then in 3 weeks I'll be in Colorado, and I'll have two weeks of happiness before I'm carted back to the land I hate for the following nine months.)
So, there. Maybe this weekend I'll mess around with the knitting blog and figure out a way to put something on there so people can place "orders" (not that I expect payment, but so that I know what people want!). I have several projects I've already promised people, first of which are for my siblings - I'm two years overdue giving Tom his cape! (I think he will accept an afghan in replacement.)
I wish I could make a career out of knitting. I really, really do.
(Unrelated, but I'm already super-psyched for a road trip home next summer. I'm so hesitant even to think about it, because I have no idea what's going to happen between now and then and who knows where I'll end up when I graduate, but I'm also fairly certain that I'll be fully pushed off the ledge into insanity if I can't go home. I really love long road trips, though, especially when they're heading west toward Colorado, and assuming things work out with me borrowing my little brother's car while he's transferred overseas, I'll just need to cajole someone into driving back there with me. And we'll have a great time, so it'd better be someone good! And speaking of long road trips home, I can't believe that the time I drove home for Christmas break my senior year of college, I drove the entire 18 hours in one day. I had someone else in the car with me, but I did all the driving because I felt like it. And we started at like 5 in the morning, and I had gotten maybe an hour or two of sleep that night. How I did that, I have no idea. Oh, plus, the last couple of hours, I was in increasing amounts of pain due to a certain condition that had caused me to have my first ER and overnight hospital visit a month and a half earlier. Pain which would bring me to my second ER visit once I got home that night. What a fun day that was...)
Anyway. Yay knitting! The only thing keeping me any kind of sane these days. That and watching the entire run of Gilmore Girls online. I'm almost through the second season. I might be further if I had the actual DVDs instead of having to rely on a website that only lets me watch 72 minutes before making me wait another 54 minutes to watch the next 72 minutes. Or if Hulu had it. Or Netflix instant. (I also wish one or both of those had Monk available to watch, too. I only made it through two seasons or so back when I was on a Monk kick earlier this year, but it just got frustrating trying to watch on the website where I was watching them.) Maybe I should just do it the legit way and buy them, one season at a time.
Yes I did.
It's called Knit and Things.
Leave me alone; coming up with titles is one of my least favorite things. No matter what it's for.
(And man, picking a URL name? Forget about it! That one is so final, too. I can change the name of the blog if I decide I hate it, but the url I'm stuck with.)
Anyway. I did it.
So now I'll put most of my knitting stuff over there. Not that I've been doing much of it here, since this blog has turned into "Woe is me, my life sucks, feel sorry for sad lonely little Susie."
Must also work on that. (Although, I've more or less accepted that it's just going to keep going that way for awhile. And then in 3 weeks I'll be in Colorado, and I'll have two weeks of happiness before I'm carted back to the land I hate for the following nine months.)
So, there. Maybe this weekend I'll mess around with the knitting blog and figure out a way to put something on there so people can place "orders" (not that I expect payment, but so that I know what people want!). I have several projects I've already promised people, first of which are for my siblings - I'm two years overdue giving Tom his cape! (I think he will accept an afghan in replacement.)
I wish I could make a career out of knitting. I really, really do.
(Unrelated, but I'm already super-psyched for a road trip home next summer. I'm so hesitant even to think about it, because I have no idea what's going to happen between now and then and who knows where I'll end up when I graduate, but I'm also fairly certain that I'll be fully pushed off the ledge into insanity if I can't go home. I really love long road trips, though, especially when they're heading west toward Colorado, and assuming things work out with me borrowing my little brother's car while he's transferred overseas, I'll just need to cajole someone into driving back there with me. And we'll have a great time, so it'd better be someone good! And speaking of long road trips home, I can't believe that the time I drove home for Christmas break my senior year of college, I drove the entire 18 hours in one day. I had someone else in the car with me, but I did all the driving because I felt like it. And we started at like 5 in the morning, and I had gotten maybe an hour or two of sleep that night. How I did that, I have no idea. Oh, plus, the last couple of hours, I was in increasing amounts of pain due to a certain condition that had caused me to have my first ER and overnight hospital visit a month and a half earlier. Pain which would bring me to my second ER visit once I got home that night. What a fun day that was...)
Anyway. Yay knitting! The only thing keeping me any kind of sane these days. That and watching the entire run of Gilmore Girls online. I'm almost through the second season. I might be further if I had the actual DVDs instead of having to rely on a website that only lets me watch 72 minutes before making me wait another 54 minutes to watch the next 72 minutes. Or if Hulu had it. Or Netflix instant. (I also wish one or both of those had Monk available to watch, too. I only made it through two seasons or so back when I was on a Monk kick earlier this year, but it just got frustrating trying to watch on the website where I was watching them.) Maybe I should just do it the legit way and buy them, one season at a time.
Monday, June 21, 2010
The Myth of Fingerprints
- Knitting is difficult in the summer. But in the past week and a half or so, I've made (or finished) two shawl/bolero things and one headband. Which is super cute, but, as it turns out, too wide to be worn comfortably in the hot summer weather...But it'll be great come cooler weather!
- I have afghans promised to people that I really need to get a move on. But man. It is HOT. And so are these afghans.
- I'll still do them, though.
- I haven't written in awhile. Last weekend was Williamsburg with my parents, and visiting Peter down there. Awesome. Awesome awesome. Loved seeing all three of them so so much, AND we got to see some of Yorktown, Colonial Williamsburg, and some other places down there. So so cool. I love history! I want to go back someday. Yippee. Also: it was hot. I've gotten to a point where I still hate the heat and humidity, but I've just accepted that I'm going to feel hot and sticky the whole summer, and that's just the way it is. Thus, I still am holding out turning on the AC in our house. I don't think my housemates are going to last very much longer, though, and I'll just have to go along with them when it happens.
- But back to other things. I took an Amtrak train back up here on Monday afternoon. It was an hour late, because Amtrak often ends up running late from some point (I think they get bumped any time there's a cargo train that needs to go by, or something), but I still really, really love traveling by train. Unfortunately, the cost from here to Denver would be something like $300 or more. One way. And 45 hours, or something like that. So I don't think I'll be doing that.
- On Friday Mom and Dad met up with me at the Shrine after work (Mom had been in Fort Lee, VA all week for a work thing. Well, Dad was there too, of course), and Peter was also driving up from Newport News. We all went to Mass there, and then drove to their hotel in Silver Spring and then went to dinner at a Moroccan restaurant. Saturday was Mom and Dad's vow renewal (their 30th was on Monday the 14th, which I failed to mark for posterity in this blog...), which was done by the same priest who married them 30 years ago. Amazing coincidences that led to them both being in DC 30 years later. So that was cool. Then all four of us drove up to Bridgewater, NJ to stay with Grandpop and his wife. Good times. I drove with Mom in their rental, and Dad and Peter drove in Peter's car. I haven't had that much time with Mom alone in a very long time, so I really liked that. :-) Anyway, then Sunday was Father's Day, and we met up with all four of Dad's sisters, two of their husbands, and various cousins. Not all, but a few. It was fun. Always great to see them all. I love love love my family.
- One of the annoying things about this summer/not having a car is that I'm so close to so many extended family members. I was excited to be on the east coast (back before I came) because I would be close to family that I haven't been close to in 20+ years. But the closest is a 2.5/3 hour drive, and it's hard to get convenient transportation out there without a car. If I had one this summer I could do more weekend road trips. Of course, I've found things to keep me busy most weekends so far this summer, which is good, but still. I wish I could see them more easily while I'm here and it is easy. It's looking like I might have a borrowed car for the next two years, starting in September, so maybe I can make it work a few weekends this fall/winter. We'll see.
- The weekend was great, though. And I saw SO SO SO many fireflies the two nights we were with Grandpop! I know that any fireflies are a novelty to me, having grown up in dry Colorado, so it's not hard for me to get excited about them, but seriously. The ground was twinkling. It was like a stadium during the Olympics when people's camera flashes are going off constantly. Except better, because it was outside and it was bugs. Seriously amazing. I took like ten minutes of video on my camera. Terrible camera work, and terrible quality, but you can sort of get a grasp of how many there were. So awesome.
- I am so over being single. Alas. Not much for it.
- I just hate that I'm going to be 25 soon, and still relationshipless. It's not just that I'm single now. It's that I've always been single. Not that I want to be in a relationship that goes nowhere, or one in which my heart gets broken. But it'd be nice to know what it's like just to be in a relationship for once, you know? Sometimes it's like this club that basically everyone has joined, except the few of us who don't get admitted to the club. So we're left outside, lonely and wishing we could join. Gah. I don't like it. And I really don't like being single.
- On the train on Monday, I ended up sitting next to a girl, probably in her 20s somewhere, who was pregnant. I didn't notice at first, but then it was obvious. And I had to sit next to a reminder of what I don't have for the whole 3-hour train ride. Sort of like how next year I'm going to be living with two engaged girls and one who will probably be engaged before I graduate. I don't know if I can do it. I really don't. I don't begrudge any of them what I have. I just don't understand why I get none of it.
- I really really feel a desperate need to be home. Like you wouldn't believe. Maybe you would, I don't know. At the beginning of the summer, I thought that my being here for the summer, much as I didn't want to do it, might be good for me in the long run because then I wouldn't get to the end of summer and not want to come back to school. Instead, it's made me want to leave DC altogether and not come back for school. So I'm not sure that it worked out like I was hoping, and I might be more willing to come back had I had a few months in Colorado to get it out of my system a bit more. Two weeks isn't going to cut it, and next year is going to be so long, and I just want to be done.
- It really doesn't help that I have no idea or goal for what I'm going to do with this stupid degree I don't even want. Is two years of torture worth it, when I don't even care about the end goal? I guess it had better be. Sucks sucks sucks. And then it sucks some more.
- Someone tell me something to make me want to stick this out. Some purpose in it. Some goal to work towards that will make it seem worth it. Please, I'm desperate here.
- Didn't mean for this post to go in that direction. But that's where I always go, so I guess it's not surprising.
- Almost to 23 days left until I can breathe again.
- I really hate how much things sweat here. Not just me (but that too), but cold things. Water bottles with ice cold water, which will have created a large puddle beneath them after just a few minutes of sitting out.
- Someone please get me out of this place. There's nothing for me here.
Wednesday, June 09, 2010
Believing I had supernatural powers I slammed into a brick wall. (Hard.)
So, I think I'm gaining weight. I don't have a scale, never have, so I can't prove it, but man I've felt...larger the last couple of days. Of course, with the way I've been eating lately, I would entirely not be surprised if it really were the case. And it's Wednesday and already I've skipped on my running twice this week. I just...really hate running. And every time I go, those 20 or 30 minutes (during which I don't even run straight through, because I can't/get so sick of running), I just wish wish wish I were running in Colorado. Or, better yet, hiking. My legs weren't made for running. Boy oh boy were they made for hiking. Hiking feeds my soul. Running is just something I feel like I ought to be doing because I don't have a gym membership and like to eat my feelings. Plus, exercise is good for you, blah blah blah.
I don't think I'll ever have that nice, svelte body, or even a very athletic-looking body. I mean, I might. It would take a lot more motivation and energy than I'm feeling these days, though, that's for sure.
Sucks, too, because it's such a vicious cycle - I feel like crap about myself, which takes a surprising amount of energy, and then I don't have the motivation to do anything about it, and then I just feel worse about myself, on and on and on.
Well, I'll get it together again one of these days, I hope.
I've come to a realization. I don't know how I am out here. I really don't. I know the basics (Catholic, a woman, graduate student, weird sense of humor, forgotten middle child). I know the outline. But I think I've lost myself, if I ever even had myself. I think part of the problem is that I have no one out here. Sure, I've met people, and some of them are friends, but there's no one out here who really knows me. No one who knew me before I was here. No one I can really share things with. I guess the same was true when I went to Notre Dame, but I had four years to deepen those friendships. And it did take awhile. If it ever even really took. But the thing about most of the friends I've made here in the last year, well first of all a lot of them are no longer here because they graduated. And therein lies part of the problem - I didn't "make" my own friends. I was plopped in here, not knowing anyone, rooming with two second years who had their already-made friends, and so I had their friends as my own ready-made "friends." And when we had get togethers and social gatherings, it was mostly their friends, to whom I latched myself, who I would interact with (and who would be there in the first place). I never had the time or opportunity to create my own friendships, with my own personality - I just tried to fit myself into their groups. And to an extent I still feel like I have to do that. I never really feel at ease, as myself, with most people here. The friends who I made simply because they were already friends with my roommates, I've never quite felt like I'm there, you know? Not totally. I'm just the add-on. If anything. I know that's partly my own insecurities at play, but it's legitimate.
Anyway, what's the point of this rambling? I have no idea. Except to say that I feel so ungrounded. So floaty. So...forgettable, and replaceable. Unnecessary, even. It's really not a fun feeling to have.
I don't know where I am. It's quite frustrating, and I'm not really sure how to fix it. I just feel incredibly...lost. I feel vocationless. It sucks. I have no life plan, no goals, no dream to "work hard and make it come true." I mean, the only things I can think I want to do involve nothing having to do with the degree I'm currently attempting to attain. They involve things like libraries. Or mountains. Hiking. Knitting. And none of them, by the way, are lucrative job possibilities either, so that's also a problem. What the heck am I even doing here? I've never quite been able to figure that one out.
So, don't mind me, just having a tiny existential crisis over here. Except maybe not that dramatic.
I don't think I'll ever have that nice, svelte body, or even a very athletic-looking body. I mean, I might. It would take a lot more motivation and energy than I'm feeling these days, though, that's for sure.
Sucks, too, because it's such a vicious cycle - I feel like crap about myself, which takes a surprising amount of energy, and then I don't have the motivation to do anything about it, and then I just feel worse about myself, on and on and on.
Well, I'll get it together again one of these days, I hope.
I've come to a realization. I don't know how I am out here. I really don't. I know the basics (Catholic, a woman, graduate student, weird sense of humor, forgotten middle child). I know the outline. But I think I've lost myself, if I ever even had myself. I think part of the problem is that I have no one out here. Sure, I've met people, and some of them are friends, but there's no one out here who really knows me. No one who knew me before I was here. No one I can really share things with. I guess the same was true when I went to Notre Dame, but I had four years to deepen those friendships. And it did take awhile. If it ever even really took. But the thing about most of the friends I've made here in the last year, well first of all a lot of them are no longer here because they graduated. And therein lies part of the problem - I didn't "make" my own friends. I was plopped in here, not knowing anyone, rooming with two second years who had their already-made friends, and so I had their friends as my own ready-made "friends." And when we had get togethers and social gatherings, it was mostly their friends, to whom I latched myself, who I would interact with (and who would be there in the first place). I never had the time or opportunity to create my own friendships, with my own personality - I just tried to fit myself into their groups. And to an extent I still feel like I have to do that. I never really feel at ease, as myself, with most people here. The friends who I made simply because they were already friends with my roommates, I've never quite felt like I'm there, you know? Not totally. I'm just the add-on. If anything. I know that's partly my own insecurities at play, but it's legitimate.
Anyway, what's the point of this rambling? I have no idea. Except to say that I feel so ungrounded. So floaty. So...forgettable, and replaceable. Unnecessary, even. It's really not a fun feeling to have.
I don't know where I am. It's quite frustrating, and I'm not really sure how to fix it. I just feel incredibly...lost. I feel vocationless. It sucks. I have no life plan, no goals, no dream to "work hard and make it come true." I mean, the only things I can think I want to do involve nothing having to do with the degree I'm currently attempting to attain. They involve things like libraries. Or mountains. Hiking. Knitting. And none of them, by the way, are lucrative job possibilities either, so that's also a problem. What the heck am I even doing here? I've never quite been able to figure that one out.
So, don't mind me, just having a tiny existential crisis over here. Except maybe not that dramatic.
Saturday, June 05, 2010
Things I learned from Shenandoah Valley
- I miss the Rocky Mountains, and even Shenandoah - while admittedly pretty - is a poor substitute.
- That said, being there today made me realize I'm not built to live in a city. At all. I'm totally nature-oriented, and felt more at peace hiking around today than I have in a long time.
- Also, deja vu of some sort.
- The Rocky Mountains are much more grandiose, beautiful, and majestic. Love love love. BUT that said, Shenandoah feels much more American-historic. The Rocky Mountains are objectively wonderful. Shenandoah makes me think of all the American history they've seen, including the early years of our country, wars, etc. The Rockies aren't quite like that. They're more...world-historical. Native Americans and such. (Native Americans are also in Shenandoah's history, of course, but that's part of the whole thing too.)
- Anyway.
- Virginia is sooooo much better than Maryland. I want to live there. I wish I could. Old Town in Alexandria is AWESOME.
- Little teeny ooooold towns in Virginia are also awesome. And all the farms.
- Thankfully, there are bugs aplenty in Shenandoah, so there's no danger of me liking it too much. And no aspens. And not so many rocks. But more cool old abandoned buildings.
- Plus, it's currently midnight and still 80 degrees, with almost 70% humidity. Colorado doesn't have that problem. (Yes, pretty unrelated to the rest of the day, but sheeeeesh it is uncomfortable and I'm not looking forward to trying to sleep in this. I miss non-humidity. It NEVER STOPS BEING HUMID here.)
The end.
Friday, June 04, 2010
Seven Quick Takes Volume XII
1. I'm pathetic. I know. I'm working on it. Sorry.
2. I'm home alone all weekend. Not sure how I feel about it. Maybe it'll be nice. I might go hiking with a friend tomorrow, but I half don't want to. I should, if we still do it, but the idea of sleeping in guilt-free sounds nice. But then I might go crazy the rest of the day with nothing to do. Ah, well, we'll see.
3. Once taxes get taken out, I make $3 less than my actual pay. 22.3% or so of my most recent paycheck went to taxes. It's rather depressing to see my paycheck a couple hundred less once taxes are taken out than it would be sans taxes. Sigh. I guess that's life, eh? At least I have a job and a paycheck from which taxes can be taken, right?
4. Moscato white wine? Delicious.
5. I think I'd be significantly less...melancholy these days if I felt like I was at all useful in my job. But as it is things have been almost painfully slow lately. I hope they pick up soon, because...man, I would much rather be too busy than too idle. I think that's one of my problems. I have no purpose in life. I have no idea what my vocation is, or when God will let me in on that secret. I'm getting this degree, ideally, but for what? I have no idea. If it were up to me I'd go work on a ranch in the mountains. Don't need a degree to do that. I have no goal. I need a goal. Someone give me a goal, ok?
6. One of my favorite Denzel Washington roles? Don Pedro in Much Ado About Nothing. I love that movie. And all the actors in it. Well, Keanu Reeves is in it, which is kind of weird, but it also kind of works (I mean, weird that he's supposed to be, like, Denzel's character's brother, but whatever). Especially since he's a villain in it, so I don't have to like him anyway.
The other interesting thing about this movie? They basically don't change clothes at all. It's weird. I mean, really, they wear the same thing the whole time. It's kind of cool. I guess. Or it just...is.
7. Seriously, I'm sorry about how miserable I am lately. I know it makes me no fun to be with/talk to/know. No wonder everyone ignores me. I can't really blame them - I would too! But whatever. I'm working through it. Sort of. Sometimes it seems more like I'm regressing if anything, but I just have to keep on trucking and hope that somehow I can wade through and make it through the mire to the other side. Also, I have to stop thinking of myself so much, because I don't think that's helping. Sometimes I think what I really need is to go on a mission trip to some third-world country, and get out of my own head. Unfortunately circumstances don't really allow for that currently, but maybe someday. I really have it good and can't really complain, and yet I still manage to. I need to learn how to be thankful, even for the tough times. Because even though it seems like God's either ignoring me or toying with me, I know that really, ultimately, he's completely and utterly good. And loves me. Even though I am utterly and completely undeserving.
2. I'm home alone all weekend. Not sure how I feel about it. Maybe it'll be nice. I might go hiking with a friend tomorrow, but I half don't want to. I should, if we still do it, but the idea of sleeping in guilt-free sounds nice. But then I might go crazy the rest of the day with nothing to do. Ah, well, we'll see.
3. Once taxes get taken out, I make $3 less than my actual pay. 22.3% or so of my most recent paycheck went to taxes. It's rather depressing to see my paycheck a couple hundred less once taxes are taken out than it would be sans taxes. Sigh. I guess that's life, eh? At least I have a job and a paycheck from which taxes can be taken, right?
4. Moscato white wine? Delicious.
5. I think I'd be significantly less...melancholy these days if I felt like I was at all useful in my job. But as it is things have been almost painfully slow lately. I hope they pick up soon, because...man, I would much rather be too busy than too idle. I think that's one of my problems. I have no purpose in life. I have no idea what my vocation is, or when God will let me in on that secret. I'm getting this degree, ideally, but for what? I have no idea. If it were up to me I'd go work on a ranch in the mountains. Don't need a degree to do that. I have no goal. I need a goal. Someone give me a goal, ok?
6. One of my favorite Denzel Washington roles? Don Pedro in Much Ado About Nothing. I love that movie. And all the actors in it. Well, Keanu Reeves is in it, which is kind of weird, but it also kind of works (I mean, weird that he's supposed to be, like, Denzel's character's brother, but whatever). Especially since he's a villain in it, so I don't have to like him anyway.
The other interesting thing about this movie? They basically don't change clothes at all. It's weird. I mean, really, they wear the same thing the whole time. It's kind of cool. I guess. Or it just...is.
7. Seriously, I'm sorry about how miserable I am lately. I know it makes me no fun to be with/talk to/know. No wonder everyone ignores me. I can't really blame them - I would too! But whatever. I'm working through it. Sort of. Sometimes it seems more like I'm regressing if anything, but I just have to keep on trucking and hope that somehow I can wade through and make it through the mire to the other side. Also, I have to stop thinking of myself so much, because I don't think that's helping. Sometimes I think what I really need is to go on a mission trip to some third-world country, and get out of my own head. Unfortunately circumstances don't really allow for that currently, but maybe someday. I really have it good and can't really complain, and yet I still manage to. I need to learn how to be thankful, even for the tough times. Because even though it seems like God's either ignoring me or toying with me, I know that really, ultimately, he's completely and utterly good. And loves me. Even though I am utterly and completely undeserving.
Thursday, June 03, 2010
Pathetic, isn't it?
I feel I ought to apologize for yesterday's post. Except I'm not going to, because A) it's true, and B) I don't care. I don't really expect people to understand it. It's my life right now, it's the way things are, and there you go.
Whatever.
So want to know the biggest thing that happened to me today? I got pooped on. By a bird, thankfully, and not something else. And also thankfully, it was halfway through my run, and the clothes I was wearing were pretty gross and were going to be thrown into the dirty clothes pile after that run anyway. And it was just my hand and shirt, and not something like my face or hair. But still, it's the principle of the thing. It was rather demoralizing, really, and almost made me just want to give up and go back to the house. I didn't, but dude. Really?
Other highlights of the day: crazy humidity that was so bad this morning, taking a shower felt pointless - by the time I was dressed, and then doing my hair and whatnot, I was already gross and sticky again. And the walk from the metro to work? I was dripping sweat by the time I got to work. Disgusting. And it rained this evening, after which I went running (thinking maybe it would be the coolest time to go before sundown). I never get that sweaty running in Colorado, but here, even if I don't run very hard or far, it's like I went out in a rainstorm. Except much less fresh-feeling. I hate it. And I take a quick couple-minute shower afterward, but again, by the time I'm re-dressed, I wonder what the point even was.
I hate humidity.
And then there was sitting at work. Feeling pointless. As usual. Although today wasn't as bad as some days, so that's good.
But man. Do you know how much it sucks to feel so invisible? I've always felt it to a degree (middle child syndrome, and all) but it's particularly bad right now. Doesn't help that I'm approximately 1700 miles and two time zones away from pretty much everyone I care about/everyone who cares about me. And then some who I care about who don't really seem to care much about me. And everyone who does care about me have their own lives to tend to before they can think about me. And I have no life to tend to. (Which also doesn't lend itself to very good relationships, since I never have anything to talk about anyway.)
Oh well.
That's why I have this, right? At least my blog listens to me.
(Not to mention, gives me an avenue for passive-aggressive guilt-tripping. Not that it ever works the way I want it to.)
At least I have my knitting. And crazy 80s music videos.
So at least there's that, right?
Whatever.
So want to know the biggest thing that happened to me today? I got pooped on. By a bird, thankfully, and not something else. And also thankfully, it was halfway through my run, and the clothes I was wearing were pretty gross and were going to be thrown into the dirty clothes pile after that run anyway. And it was just my hand and shirt, and not something like my face or hair. But still, it's the principle of the thing. It was rather demoralizing, really, and almost made me just want to give up and go back to the house. I didn't, but dude. Really?
Other highlights of the day: crazy humidity that was so bad this morning, taking a shower felt pointless - by the time I was dressed, and then doing my hair and whatnot, I was already gross and sticky again. And the walk from the metro to work? I was dripping sweat by the time I got to work. Disgusting. And it rained this evening, after which I went running (thinking maybe it would be the coolest time to go before sundown). I never get that sweaty running in Colorado, but here, even if I don't run very hard or far, it's like I went out in a rainstorm. Except much less fresh-feeling. I hate it. And I take a quick couple-minute shower afterward, but again, by the time I'm re-dressed, I wonder what the point even was.
I hate humidity.
And then there was sitting at work. Feeling pointless. As usual. Although today wasn't as bad as some days, so that's good.
But man. Do you know how much it sucks to feel so invisible? I've always felt it to a degree (middle child syndrome, and all) but it's particularly bad right now. Doesn't help that I'm approximately 1700 miles and two time zones away from pretty much everyone I care about/everyone who cares about me. And then some who I care about who don't really seem to care much about me. And everyone who does care about me have their own lives to tend to before they can think about me. And I have no life to tend to. (Which also doesn't lend itself to very good relationships, since I never have anything to talk about anyway.)
Oh well.
That's why I have this, right? At least my blog listens to me.
(Not to mention, gives me an avenue for passive-aggressive guilt-tripping. Not that it ever works the way I want it to.)
At least I have my knitting. And crazy 80s music videos.
So at least there's that, right?
Wednesday, June 02, 2010
Well, this sucks
I've been lonely before, but I've never felt so completely and utterly alone as I do here, now. And another 3 months of this to go before school starts again.
So, you know...that's cool.
So, you know...that's cool.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)