I got a rock.

It's been quite a Januaryish January. Two more days, and if I can get out of this month with my dog still alive I'll consider it a success. The only thing I'll miss about January is the picture of one of my calendars - it's a snow-covered elk! I've grown rather fond of him. But the good news is there might be another cute animal next month! Considering it's a wildlife calendar, I think chances are pretty good. (But elk get gold stars in my book.)

Yesterday was a rock-bottom kind of day. They happen from time to time. But the good news is, once I hit rock bottom, I pulled out my Bible, flipped to find a list of passages my spiritual director had given me at one point, found one I wanted to read, and realized I was already on that page. And it was exactly exactly what I needed to hear at that point. God's funny like that. You can know all this stuff in your head perfectly, know exactly what's true, and yet somehow it just doesn't work its way into your mess of illogical thought. And then you pick up a Bible, read God's own words to you which reiterate those truths you already know, and boom. Everything makes sense again. It's not just a book with some nice stories, some not-so-nice stories, and some looooong lists of to-dos and not-to-dos. It's a love letter. To me. (And you.) Written by the One who loves us each more and better than anyone on earth, to an incomprehensible degree. It's indescribable.

So. Suffice it to say, today was a good day. Nothing changed. None of the factors that made my life seem so pointless yesterday have gone away, or improved. But somehow, it's different. I got the reminder I needed that my life matters because it is. God willed it. I'm not here to become famous, to get rich, to discover some as-yet-undiscovered truth, or chemical, or species. It doesn't mean I shouldn't try to be the best that I can, to be the person God wants me to be, but it does mean all I need to do is trust him and follow him as best I can. That's what he wants. My life is no more or less important than the most objectively important person alive today (Oprah, obviously). And my life is no more or less important than someone who was born with a hugely debilitating defect that renders him unable to do anything for himself, even down to the smallest task. God willed all of us here, and he has a point for all of us. The fact that I don't have things figured out right now doesn't mean God is disappointed in me (or, as I sometimes think, has forgotten about me). I am, and that's what he wants. I gotta tell you, it's a great feeling to know that. Well, not just to know that - I knew that yesterday in the throes of my dramatic overreaction to the unfairness of life. It's a great feeling to feel it.

Today, work was work. No different than yesterday. Oddly similar, actually. I got some disappointing news (not unexpected, though, so I'm not sure that it counts as really disappointing). And someone threw away my lunch. That's the consensus, anyway, since there were several of us who opened the fridge after Mass to find...not our lunches. The going theory is that someone took it upon herself to clean out the fridge without telling anyone, and my partially-eaten bag of carrots and my tupperware of soup were among the victims. Thankfully I have an awesome coworker (who also happens to be my awesome roommate) who bought me lunch. Had this incident happened yesterday, I would have melted into an emotional mess. (Overreaction? Yes. I've been a tad overemotional lately. It happens.) Today, it was almost funny (though still upsetting. Money's tight, and it was irritating to discover that someone at my office didn't consider the fact that there were people looking forward to eating those meals that got thrown away, people who are maybe strictly planning each meal to stick to a very tight budget). Mostly I kept thinking of this. (Seriously. Watch it. It's funny whether someone ate your lunch or not.)

Point is, it was a great day. I don't have the strength to get through every day of this life by myself, but you know who does? God! He's pretty awesome. I hadn't been going to daily Mass for a while (most of January, really...hm...connection?), and I just went to confession on Saturday and it was much needed. I've been going to Mass at work this week, though, and was especially excited to go today because not only is it Mass (yay Jesus!), but for the first time the pastor at my parish in Arvada was the celebrant, and I love him. He's an amazing Polish priest, and everything he says is so beautiful. (And the way he says "Catholic" always makes me smile.) All the priests who do Mass for us are great, but it was exciting to have him there today.

Letting God in, rather than keeping him at arm's length, does wonders for a person, is what I'm really getting at. And the little consolations, even in the midst of turmoil, are beautiful signs of how much God wants us to let him love us. We take one step towards him, he takes four towards us. It's great.

Also, Sunday evening I called and chatted with my aunt and uncle, who aren't really related to us but were our neighbors when we lived in Massachusetts and used to watch us sometimes, and we've always kept in touch with them. My Aunt Sue gave me this really beautiful ring when I graduated from graduate school, and this summer I finally had it resized (she's rather teeny and I have man hands) and sent her a letter to thank her again. And then out of the blue she called me up! So now I've talked to them a couple of times, and I usually feel awkward and have no idea what to say but it's delightful to hear their voices. So it made me really happy to talk to them on Sunday, and it makes me happy to remember them, and I'm resolved to do it more often now. For me as much as for them.

One more thing - it snowed yesterday evening and into the night. Colorado happens to be a pretty awesome state, but driving up the mountain to work after a fresh snowfall is really just something else. And this morning the sky was blue which is a whole different kind of pretty. Bright blue sky + bright white snow on evergreens? Pretty fantastic.

Who knows what tomorrow will hold. I know one thing though - God will be there for me, through the good and the bad.

I came across this rock on a hike last spring. I love the pattern of it, and loved standing there thinking that God made this rock with these waves and stripes of color knowing how much it would delight me millions of years later. Sure, it happened because of pressure and movements of things and geological scientific-y terms, but God caused those factors to have this effect and maybe enjoyed thinking about how much I would love it. He was thinking about me even when he made this rock, because for him I wasn't millions of years from existence. And even if I was, he was still thinking of me. It's like a love note someone writes and hides and you find it twenty years later. Except so much better!

Seven Quick Takes: January's Almost Over Edition

1. I had convinced myself back in December that this month was going to be good. I'm not a January person. I had hope, though.

Alas. January has turned out about as less-than-great as it ever is. Not as terrible as past years (ie, relatives' deaths, or 2009 when I had impacted wax in both my ears and actually lost a majority of my hearing for a week or so, and then right after, or maybe during, that time my 10-month-old puppy was hit by a car and killed, and then, to close out the month, I got my wisdom teeth out. But then February rolled around and I got a new dog shortly after that, and she's pretty great). But...yeah. Let's just say I'm not going to be sorry to see January out the door, once again. Bring on February, says I!

2. One of the ladies I work with decided back in the fall that we should get together for an hour during lunch on Thursdays to have a crafting session. It's great. Usually there are around 5 of us, give or take, and it's just so lovely. Mostly we knit/crochet, but occasionally there's someone sewing or doing something else crafty. Last week, I mentioned I had found a scarf pattern with which I fell in love immediately (seriously. Deeply in love), but don't currently have the funds to buy sadly not-free said pattern, and the lady who was the instigator of this awesome group said "Send me the link! I'll buy it for you." I felt weird about that for a little while, but she was insistent, and she bought it. And here's the best part - we're doing it together as a knit along, with another of the crafternoon girls. I'm so exited! We started it today. I'm the, shall we say, experienced/advanced knitter in the group, so I'm going to be helping them along as we do it. Might take a while - it's sort of complicated, and lots of cabling, but it'll be great. And will give me a chance to get a bit better at teaching knitting, which is good. I'm just psyched.

3. Speaking of knitting, this speaks to my heart so much. I would love to do something like this. Someday, maybe.

4. I have the best parents. Seriously. They've been my rock through this month of...mud? A couple of weekends ago I went home to go to a workshop, and while I was home I ended up going to urgent care to get this thing on my hands and face checked on. (Seems like it was some kind of allergic reaction to...who knows what. I had it for a week before I went home, and it just kept getting worse, and it was just weird.) Anyway, long story short, my parents are awesome and were there for me and I'm glad because I really needed them to be there for me. Maybe that's why I'm single - so that when they're old I'll be able to repay some of what they've done for me by taking care of them.

5. This week, I printed, stuffed, stamped, and sealed 2900 letters for work. 900 had two pieces per envelope, and 2000 had three. It...took a while. And because I hate dealing with wet sponges or glue sticks or things like that, I licked them all closed. Thank goodness paper cuts on the tongue don't hurt like paper cuts on a finger. (And yes, every time I have a bunch of envelopes to seal, I absolutely think of Seinfeld.)

6. One of my best good friends abandoned me to go teach English in Korea, and she's been gone since August 2011. She's finally coming back for a visit next month, and I'm super excited. Rare is the time that I take days off, so I think I'm going to use some of the days I've accrued and we're going to have fun exploring things and hanging out and whatnot. I'm very excited. She's kind of awesome. I mean, I don't knit for just anyone, and I think I've knit more things for her than anyone else. So. Yeah. I kinda like her.

7. Speaking of the workshop I went to (see #4), it was a Called and Gifted workshop. It helps you find the charisms the Holy Spirit has gifted to you to help spread the message of Jesus in your own special way. Something like that, anyway. Part of the workshop is taking an inventory of many questions, and adding up your answers to figure out which charisms you scored highest for. Highest doesn't necessarily mean "Go do something involving that IMMEDIATELY," but I was kind of tickled when my highest turned out to be craftsmanship. (I expected it to be writing. Partially because that's what I think it should be since I can't think of what else it would be.) Sadly that one's kind of difficult to work into a potential job search, but it is interesting.

Waiting for the ice to melt

I'm not sure if you're aware, but there was a football game a couple of nights ago. A pretty big one, if you're a college football fan. Or, as is my case, if you're a Notre Dame football fan. (Other than ND, I couldn't really care much less about college football.) And, in pretty epic fashion (as ND is good at), we lost. On the biggest stage there is. A lot. It was pretty sad. But...I guess that 3-win season my senior year sort of broke me of being terribly sad after ND losses. Sure, I love it when we win - I love it a whole heck of a lot. I always want us to win. But when we lose, it's no fun, but then it's done. It's not my life, and it shouldn't be, and that's the way it is. It was fun watching a 12-0 season! Until the aforementioned 13th game...in which we looked a lot more like that 3 win season than this 12 win season.

Well. It's silly, and not really real, but back in November after I had gone on that vocation retreat (which was the weekend ND unexpectedly ended up #1), I sort of had this thought. I thought, maybe, somehow, against all odds, this is the year Notre Dame will become national champions because maybe God wants me to give up everything - even football - to go be a contemplative nun, but he wants to let me see the first before I do the second. And then when ND beat USC, and we were solidly #1 and going to the national championship, and I was in the throes of vocationy angst, I got a little nervous. Though I'm a firm believer that God really doesn't care about sports, and doesn't actually affect who wins games, that other part of me couldn't help but say, "Ok, God, if you want me to do this, maybe Notre Dame will actually win this thing." Or maybe it was more "If ND actually wins this thing, maybe you really do want me to do this." I'm not sure. Ridiculous either way, I know, but we cling to these kinds of things sometimes, don't we?

Obviously, we know how the game ended. As for my life, that one's still up in the air. More of me tends toward feeling the call to marriage, especially after a Day of Reflection that my office had back in December, which involved a day at a shrine near our office building, with a few talks given by one of the priests who regularly says Mass for us, and adoration, and Mass, and lots and lots of time for prayer and silence. (It was actually a Silent Retreat, which means we didn't talk to each other the whole time. So, approximately 6-7 hours of not talking. AKA, a normal day in the Life of Susie.) Anyway, at one point during this day, in which I talked to God a lot about the whole vocation thing since that's kind of all I have to think about right now (in that, it feels like everything hinges on that one Big Decision, which is silly because that's not actually the case), I just really felt this strong call that said "You're going to get married." As in, I'm supposed to. (I think. It also could have been "You're going to get married because you can't get out of your head that you want to, even though I might want something else for you.") Of course, two days later one of my friends texted and said her boyfriend had just proposed, so maybe I misheard. (Haha. Mostly just kidding.)

What's the point of all this? Well, I guess the point is that even though I felt a great deal of peace and near-certainty after that day in December, and even though Notre Dame lost - and I mean lost - yesterday, I still don't know. Though I am pretty cautiously and hopefully leaning more towards where I feel more led. At least until God gives me something else. I can't base my life on the outcome of a football game, and I'm not very good at determining my path through a tiny whisper. I think that second one might cause me a few issues, though, because God speaks best through whispers.

For now, it's just keep swimming! Even when the water looks like this:

God will help me figure things out. He doesn't ignore the desires of our hearts. He doesn't look at them and then make us give them up to prove our love for him (at least...I don't think he does). He uses them to help lead us to him and to the path he wants us on. This is, of course, assuming the desires of our hearts don't include things like killing our best friend's dog, or setting fire to our neighbor's house. I think he'd probably prefer we give up those ones.

I was too complacent last year. Not happy, discontent, but afraid to try to do much to change it. This year will be different. I don't know what if anything will change by the time 2014 rolls around, but I hope that I'll at least be able to say that I put in my level best and if nothing's actually changed, it's because God wants me where I am. And maybe come January 2014, Notre Dame will actually be national champions. Or, heck, I'll be on my way to getting married. Who knows!

7 Quick Takes: 2012 Pictures Edition!

7 (groups of) random favorite pictures from 2012, semi-chronological and/or theme-grouped. (I was going to try to make it more organized. Or just pick seven favorites. Both proved to be difficult.)

1. Buffalo.

2. Pretty mountains.

3. Early summer.

4. Knitting.

5. Late summer.

6. Autumn.

7. Winterish.

2012: Retro(spective)

I've been trying to figure out how I feel about 2012, now that it's but a memory. Some really great things stand out, but they're mostly little things. And really, that's ok. Really great little things are easier to maintain and keep going than the really great big things, I think. But there were also some pretty not great things that were harder to shake off without a really great big thing, if that makes any sense. All in all, I'm not terribly sad to see 2012 become a memory. I learned some things about myself on which I'm still ruminating and trying to fit in and figure out how to change based on what I learned.

Anyway, let's see. The bad. There have been ups and downs with my job, but that's a given anywhere. This summer with the Waldo Canyon fire was pretty darned awful. Actually, that was the biggest bad thing that happened this year, I think. There were also a number of sad, tragic things that didn't affect me as directly but were sad and emotional in general. And a few sad deaths. But overall, I think the pall over my year was more the lack of fulfillment or the lack of goodness that I had. And that's what I need to change this year.

The good: I had some really good days, which were good in small ways that equal wonderful. One of the days that really stands out was the day I took off work with my roommate (slash coworker) and we drove up to Estes and went horseback riding. It was just a perfect day. Beautiful, with the trees in the midst of their golden glory, enchantingly foggy in the morning. The ride only lasted an hour, but it was so delightful. It had been years since I had been on a horse, and then it was very brief and just around a small corral. I entirely fell in love with it this time around, though. It's funny - it's a great way to connect with nature, but it's also a good reminder of how in control we're not. I mean, sure, these horses are used to commands and whatnot, but at any given time something could spook them or something entirely unpredictable could happen, and they could bolt or buck or anything. You just have to sit there and trust. It's a cool thing.

Oh, also, there was a miniature donkey that tagged along with our horseback riding party, which was pretty awesome. I sort of love donkeys. Though, this particular guy was kind of a pain for the horses - he liked to antagonize them which added an element of unpredictability to the horses' behavior. But still. Miniature! Donkey!

After that hour of horsing around (har har), Brittany and I took our adventure into Rocky Mountain NP, where we drove and stopped and took pictures wherever and whenever we wanted. We went as far as we could up Trail Ridge Road, which had, sadly, been closed just the day before (and reopened a day or two after our excursion) due to weather. Brittany had never been up to the Alpine Visitor Center, which is a spot I love, so I was hoping to take her. Alas. We parked our car at the spot where they had closed the road, and then walked up the road a little further to get past a bend that was blocking a gorgeous view of the mountain ranges. It was magical. And it even snowed a bit while we were gallivanting on the unoccupied road, which utterly delighted me.

The whole adventure in the park was wonderful. Beautiful views, even some elk sightings. That place has a huge chunk of my heart.

On our way out of Estes later that day, after eating and wandering the shops, I suddenly saw a herd of elk next to one of the lakes and we decided to turn around and go admire them. In case I haven't mentioned before, I kind of like elk a little bit. And we got so close to them! They were behind a split rail fence, so there was at least a barrier or else I wouldn't have gotten that close. (I love them, but I'm not dumb. Well, not usually, anyway. Sometimes my reasoning skills go out the door when there are elk around. Or buffalo.) And wouldn't you know it, both of our cameras had died before our elk sighting. I got a few less-than-quality pictures with my phone (it's the non-smart variety, so I don't have a good camera on it), and she might have to, but it was kind of disappointing. Also nice, though, because I got to stand there and just enjoy them instead of trying to get the perfect picture to capture the moment.

So. That was one of my particularly spectacular days of 2012. Most other great days that stand out also involve Estes Park/Rocky Mountain/elk/taking pretty pictures of colorful Colorado/hiking/snow. I also got to see two of my friends get married (in person!) (not to each other), which also allowed me to see Notre Dame (which has another chunk of my heart) and DC (which I'm always surprised to find I miss sometimes) - and some dear people I left behind in DC when I graduated. Those are all delightful memories I'll cherish.

2012. Not all bad. Enough good for me to have lots of great memories. Realizing the things that really matter to me, that really make me happy, that I'm going to be able to focus on and make more of a priority in 2013 so that, in a year, I might be able to look back at even more great memories that crowd out the bad. One of my resolutions is to make sure I go on at least one hike a month. Like, a legitimate hike. My mom asked me the other day why I don't consider taking the dogs to Palmer Park a hike, since it is sort of hike-like. I can't explain it, but it's just not hikey enough for me. There's a place in Evergreen, CO that I've gone a couple times to "hike", and it's closer to what I picture for a hike, but it's still too...lacking in something. Maybe it's the nearness to civilization that does it. Still feeling like I'm in the city. (Though, Evergreen's certainly not a city by any stretch.) I might need to revamp my definition to include places like those, depending on how things go. Either way, making myself get out and go will be good. I just don't like to hike alone which is a potential problem, since I often find it difficult to find people around to go with me. Maybe I'll join a hiking club.

I basically just need to stop talking about things I like to do/want to do and actually do them. More picture-taking (well, I'm not sure that's actually physically possible, but maybe one of these days managing to do something so that I can prettify them or do something with them (figure out a way to sell them, maybe?), more knitting (also considering how to start selling that, too, though the thought of charging money for something I knit feels...wrong. Knitting for people is my love language. Plus, if I actually charged for material plus time, I don't know that there's many people who would want to pay it. I don't know if people who say "I'd totally pay money for that!" actually realize how much goes into it. Though at least charging materials would be reasonable. Oh, I don't know.), more hiking. Definitely more hiking. After my hiking extravaganza of summer 2011 (aka the summer of unemployment), summer 2012 was deplorable hiking-wise. And winter hiking is so fun too! Man. I need to make that happen.

Another goal is to go back through at least my notebooks from grad school, type them up, and maybe cross reference with some of the readings from the classes. I feel like I've lost a lot of what I learned, at least to an extent, and since that's all kind of important to me and kind of related to what I'd ultimately like to be doing, I need to get my flabby brain back into shape. (And with any luck my flabby body will do the same, though not from reading/notetyping.) I also want to make it a priority to get to Mass at least 15 minutes early (on Sundays, anyway). Maybe normal people do this, but I don't typically. Last night we went to the vigil Mass at the Cathedral for today's feast, and I showed up early because I wanted to get gas on the way (and I didn't know how crowded it would be. Answer: not at all). It was so peaceful. It had a lot to do with the low lights, since it was evening and dark out, and the beautiful altar with its poinsettias and white-lighted evergreens, and the aforementioned non-crowd, but it was great to have the chance just to kneel there contemplating the cross, Jesus, and his will for me. I didn't rush into Mass during the opening hymn, trying to find an open seat, unable to gather my thoughts and prepare myself for what I was entering into. I need more of the peaceful, less of the rushing in my life. And I really, really need to draw closer to Christ this year. He's really longing for that, and I really need it. I should also add regular adoration to my list of resolutions, since my adorationing has been rather deplorably rare in the past. I know it's something I really need, it just takes effort, and I am nothing if not lazy. (Ultimately, that's what I want to work on this year.)

Anyway, I'm cautiously optimistic about this year. Maybe not so cautiously, actually. Hopelessly optimistic. (Ha!) It kind of scares me, actually, being any kind of optimistic. I like to be realistic (aka, tending towards pessimistic), since it yields less in the way of disappointments. But hey, why not try some optimism? At the very least, I'm fairly confident that 2013 holds some changes for me. Big, little, who knows. Kind of exciting to see how it all plays out! Also, I just found my patron saint for 2013 (using this handy-dandy generator) and I got St. Brigid of Ireland, who's the patron of some interesting things. I've been letting life live me for too long. I need to start living life.

Bring in on, 2013. Bring it on.