Mama said there'll be days like this

I haven't been keeping up with writing so far this month, because I have too much to say but not enough, you know? You probably don't, since that doesn't make any sense. In any case, here I am.

I'm in the midst of upheaval right now, but not quite as bad as that word maybe sounds. It always has such negative connotations for me. But the chapter of my life in Denver is rapidly closing - I no longer live there, I just have to drive there every day (every. day.) for work, though thankfully just four times a week instead of five. This means 10 hour workdays plus three hours of commuting which equals a generally tired Susie, but having Fridays off this whole month is quite nice. I'm back living with my parents until I up and re-pack ALL THE THINGS and drive over to the western slope in less than a month, where I'll then have to unpack, set up a classroom (!), try to figure out what the heck I'm doing, and then, um, start teaching. No biggie, right?

Anyway. For the most part I'm doing ok with all the changes, and dealing with the end of things and the unknowns of the new things. For the most part I try to stay pretty even-keeled, which means my general mode of operation is at a slightly lower level, happiness-wise, than some people might be. That way the happy things affect me more and hopefully the less-than-happy things I'm able to absorb a bit better. (I think this also tends to mean that I seem a lot more unhappy in general than I actually am. I just don't have the happy, bubbly gene that some girls possess.) But once in a while - particularly one day each month - everything just builds up to the point that I find myself sobbing in the car on while driving the dogs to the dog run part of Palmer Park, as happened today. Almost inexplicably, but not, because there are things to be overwhelmed about, there are things to be sad about, there are things I can cry about and not really wonder where it's coming from. The amount is usually what gets me - it's a slightly disproportionate amount to the situation, generally, but knowing that I'm a woman and sometimes these things happen like this, I can just let it happen and get on with my life.

Like today. I was sad because my mom left for three weeks in Steubenville, where she's taking a class for her master's. She's so close to getting it, which is awesome! For the program, she has to do two on-campus classes, and the rest she's been doing correspondence. For quite a while. It's really impressive how well she's stuck with it, and I'm really proud of her. This is the second on-campus class she's done; the last was two years ago when I was back here for the summer after having graduated from my own master's program. It's kind of funny when you think about the timing - last time I was in a state of upheaval the whole summer because I couldn't find a job (I got one at the very end of July that year), and this summer I'm in the process of leaving that job. Anyway. It's a great thing she's doing, and it's not like I've never gone three weeks without seeing her - and me being here this month is only because I'm in between living situations, moving next month and all. But it's still sad just because I really like her, and I'm a mama's girl at heart, and it was great being here and getting to see her every day for the last two weeks. But really, that was just a bonus, so I can't complain. Plus, I still have my dad here, and I kinda like him too, and I have Nutmeg. So it's not at all bad. It's just one of those things.

The other thing is the fact that living back in the Springs, even just temporarily, reminds me how much I really do love it here. I love being so close to most of my family, I love the places I've known for so many years, and despite the weirdness of this city and the constant development expanding it in ways I don't like, my heart is still just so happy here. Even after I took the job in Montrose, every time I would see a job posting for something in Denver I would be sad for a millisecond that I had found and accepted another job elsewhere - before I remembered that getting a job in Denver would mean that I'd still have to live in Denver. And that made me feel all claustrophobic and trapped and generally unhappy, even thinking about a hypothetical that didn't even exist. The very thought of staying there, even doing exactly what I'm going to be doing, makes me feel...tired. Soul-weary. Done. So. I think it's safe to say my time in Denver is over and closed, barring some unforeseen future circumstance. But living in the Springs? I'd love to be able to do that again. Long-term. Except for the fact that I'm hoping to be out in Montrose for longer than a year, assuming things work out. (I'm heading into uncharted waters here, people. I have no idea what to expect.) And maybe I'll fall in love with the town. It'd be nice to find something that wins my heart over more than anything or anyone in the Springs ever has. Every time I've tried something new - and this is nowhere near the first time I've tried something new - nothing's hooked me. Nothing's managed to find a way for me to want to stay. Maybe it's partly my fault, but I'm really hoping I can give myself over to this and fall in love with it and finally have a place to settle down.

I'm so tired of moving. I've mentioned it before, but it's such a drain. Including college, this is the fourth time I've moved to a new place where I don't know anyone. I think it's becoming harder for me to form connections with people because my heart's just tired of it. I know that sounds awful, but when you live nearby to literally zero of your closest friends, it becomes harder to let yourself get close to anyone, because you don't want to reach the inevitable point where you (or they) move away and it becomes yet another long-distance friendship to maintain. It takes a lot. Friendships are hard when you can't see each other even once a year. Not impossible, obviously, since I still have close relationships with people I rarely see. But it's hard. Moving around so much, always by myself, always being the new person in a new place, completely unknown, completely new, completely sure that I have no idea what I'm doing, makes me feel very vulnerable and unprotected, and call me crazy but I don't like feeling that way. My heart feels rubbed raw, I feel frayed, I feel just so...weary of it all.

I know, in my heart of hearts, that this move is a good thing for me. And if it's not, it doesn't have to be forever. But it's so hard. All these feelings are suddenly rushing in on me, or maybe I'm just letting them in (once you let in one, they all find a way to flood in, it seems). I'm so tired of being unknown. It takes a while to understand me, to get to know me. Heck, sometimes my family doesn't even get me, and they've known me for, you know, years (approximately 27 and three quarters, even). I think it takes a lot of effort really to get to know me, and a lot of people are already set and don't necessarily need or care to put in the work to get to know me. I'll once again be in a place with no one who really cares what my favorite movie is, or color, or flower, or smell, or song. I'm just really not looking forward to that. But at the same time, I am really excited. It's still there. Well, maybe "really excited" is overstating it a bit. That feeling is there, though. When I think about what I'll be doing, and how long it's been in the back of my mind to pursue, and the fact that I'll be in a small town (which I think will be really good for me), I do still feel the peace that's been there. I know it's right. It's just hard. But who said the right thing is easy? The devil, probably. It's a good chance to work on myself, to grow myself, to stretch myself, maybe to become not so reluctant to open up to new people, to be able to trust people more easily than I currently do.

I know this is a good move for me. I do know that. I'm just having one of those days. It was inevitable, and it's not surprising. I am just surprised at the strength of this all. (Actually, maybe I shouldn't be so surprised - I went to confession on Saturday, so the devil's probably mad that I've cleaned my soul and is trying to find a way to make me muddy it up again. He does that, you know. And I so often fall for it.) The worst time for anything for me is the time leading up to an event. I used to be so upset the night before I would be going on a retreat or vacation or something, feeling sure that it would turn out awful and a waste of time, and I just didn't want to go. And, inevitably, I'd go and have a fabulous time. This is the "night before a retreat" feeling. Once I get there and get settled, I know I'll feel better. I hate the anticipation, and the uncertainty. That's all this is. It's just coming out in unexpected feelings. Lots and lots of feelings. Exacerbated by things like my 10 hour workdays + three hours of commuting per day + worrying about my car, and the amount of gas I'm going through, which is forcing me to learn stick shift in hopes I can drive my parents' car for the next few weeks, which gets much better gas mileage than my jeep, but I really really stink at stick + dealing with finalizing move-out stuff from the house we were renting (ugh, what a headache it all is) + other things. I'll be ok. I just need to let myself feel (and boy, have I let myself feel today - which is actually now Monday, though the bulk of this was yesterday. So...my one day of feeling has turned into at least a couple).

On the plus side, knitting. I finished a really, really pretty shawl last week and finally washed and blocked it this weekend. It's so lovely if I do say so myself.

It was so much fun to wear today. I love it. And now I started something new (because, obviously), ignoring the partially finished cardigan I've been working on off and on for a year now, and the blanket I've been working on for a year and a half, and the baby blanket I started a month or so ago. And I've recently discovered a wonderful new world - test knitting! People put out calls for other people to test knit their designs. Really the only benefit for me is that I can possibly knit a pretty pattern that I'd otherwise have to pay for, but sometimes I guess you can get some other things for it too. I signed up for my first test knit yesterday, and I'm pretty excited about it. (Though, it has a deadline, so that'll be interesting to work around my current schedule and upcoming impending move. I think it's more than doable, though, especially with three day weekends.)

Anyway, I've made this post far too long by not posting it last night as I should have. But it's cathartic to write it out, and I needed some catharsis after crying in my car for the second day in a row. (PS - it's hard to drive when you're sobbing. In case you were curious.)

It's really ok. It really is.

See? Ahhhh. Deep breath. I've been hiking deprived lately, which is probably part of my problem. I need to try to remedy that.

Hi, I'm Susie and sometimes I forget to finish posts.

First off, I just need to express how full my heart is of today's loveliness. Nothing extreme or terribly special or exciting, but I'm home this weekend, and it's absolutely gorgeous (who'd have thunk that I would be so excited about temps in the mid 80s, and yet, I just love it!). I took the scenic route driving down from Denver yesterday evening, which means I got off the interstate in Castle Rock and drove on the highway east  of Castle Rock (and everything else in between). Side note: I think I would love living in Castle Rock, if I ever had a reason to do so. The scenic route I took drove me past lots and lots of ranches and homes on really pretty, delightfully green land - and multiple ranches that were for sale. Ah, if only. So, that whole drive put me in a really good pro-Colorado mood (because, you know, that's so hard to do with me). My parents' yard is absolutely gorgeous - we've always had aspens in our front yard, though we pretty much had to start over from scratch one year more than 15 years ago when most of them were hit with some kind of fungus that killed them. Since then, Dad's been growing them back, and when he redid the yard at some point in the last several years, taking out most of the grass and replacing it with rock, he expanded the aspen grove area. This year, I think, is the first year that the newer trees are really mature and big enough to make it look like an honest-to-goodness lovely aspen grove. It's just so green and aspen-y in there now! I love it. I have a thing for aspen groves, and having one in my parents' front yard is pretty fantastic.

Also, I knit for approximately...I don't know, 7 or 8 hours last night (slash...this morning), plus another hour after I woke up, in a marathon attempt to get a knitting project done on time. (Obviously, I had grossly underestimated how long this project was going to take - and earlier this week underestimated how much I had left to do, and unlike other presents I've made, this one had a pretty firm due date.) Though I'm sleep deprived, and though I knit so fast and furiously last night that I reached a point where, despite how close I was to finishing, my hand was bothering me to the point that I just had to give up, it was so satisfying. And the end result was lovely, and I was proud to be able to give it as a gift. Knitting is just the best.

Now that I've gotten that out of the way, on to other things. Specifically, this article I came across yesterday. It really echoes what's been in my heart, sometimes reluctantly and annoyingly but other times in exactly the way I need it to be. It's been a tough few months for me in some ways, but in other ways it's been really, really good for me. It's teaching me how to be more detached, which I really need, and how to rely more on God - and to believe that he absolutely does want me to be happy. But the kicker there is that "happy" as God sees it doesn't mean I'm going to have lots of money, or live in the same city as my family, or have a job doing what I think, logically, would give me lots of pleasure. ("Elk watcher" isn't really a job.) Etc. Maybe it doesn't even mean I'll get married. Who knows. What pursuing happiness means is following the will of God. A lot easier said than done, of course, and it inherently means that this requires a lot of hard work praying and actively striving to figure out and follow as best we can the will of God. It's not easy. But it's worth it.

I go through moments where I stubbornly stick to this one perfect idea of what I think will make me happy, and then I get annoyed when God doesn't give that to me. And then I go to the other extreme, thinking I should start pursuing things that don't really give me any happiness or peace even just to think of them, but figuring that maybe it's what God wants because he wants me to give up everything, even the things I love that bring me happiness and contentment. I think the past few months are starting to have the effect of enabling me to find a balance between these two extremes - God made me as I am, and he made me to love the heck out of certain things, and that's a good thing that I shouldn't ignore. But I am also a flawed human being, who sometimes desires things that really wouldn't be the best for me. I can't see that so much, especially in the here and now, but God sees that. He's protected me from a lot, even when it seems like he's just denying me. I think more than anything, the last few months - and really, especially the last few weeks - have really been teaching me (the hard way, because apparently I'm so thick-headed that's the way I need to learn) how to let go of things, let go of myself, and just trust in God. Trust that he'll give me what I need. Trust that he'll show me the right path. Trust that even when it hurts, God knows that too and is still there.

For so long, I've been fighting so hard to figure out what God wants for me without really allowing him to work in my life. I've been making it too hard. I've known this, or long suspected it, but wasn't sure how to change it. Stubbornly sticking only to the things I want, while saying I'm open to God's will but not really allowing myself to think his will is outside of the box I created, or, alternately, completely disregarding the things that make me the person God created while again saying I'm searching for God's will - neither of these things really make sense. God wants to surprise us and give us joy! He wants me to be open to his working in my life, which means that he's going to work with the person that is Susie that he created specifically for the reason I exist. He made me to love and delight in mountains in such a way that I might not really be able to be fully who he created if I take a job in flatland USA just because it's maybe sort of something that I might think he wants me to do. For example. (Now, whether or not it's true that I can't fully be the me he created if I don't have a backdrop of mountains out my window remains to be seen.) The point is, I need to stop clinging to the things that make me comfortable and the things I think I need and just let go. It's entirely possible that once I stop clinging to certain things, God will give them right back to me - but he wants to give them to me. That's the point, I think. I can't be happy if I'm worried about losing what I love. I can be happy if I accept the things I love as such a great gift from God.

Right now, there's a job on the horizon that's a very likely possibility. I'm going down there next weekend to see it in person - I've already interviewed and they seem to like me well enough (which is in and of itself a small miracle and a very bright light in the darkness that has been this job search). It's really funny how it all came about, and certain things about it just seem so completely and ridiculously right. It's way different from what I'm doing now (but pretty much anything I've been looking at is different, since what I'm doing now isn't what I need to be doing with my life), but it's also something I've long felt drawn to and somehow never pursued. It's in a place I think I could love (though I'm reserving effusive praise until I actually see it in person - though, it's about 30 miles away from a town in Colorado that I've wanted to visit for years. That's a good start, I think). The thought of doing this job makes me more excited than other jobs I've applied for, or, at the least, excited in a different, more peaceful way. The biggest concern for me right now is the financial aspect, because I wouldn't really be making more than I am now (and what I'm making now really isn't sustainable). I'd be saving more in other areas, though, and, more importantly, I'd be doing something that I think I'd enjoy - and at the very least, if it turns out I don't, I'd still be getting experience in the right direction.

There's too much peace in this for me to ignore it. I've been telling God that he's going to have to make it obvious where he wants me - even if that means only letting me get one job offer at the expense of my self-confidence. I don't need self-confidence as much as I need confidence in God. And every step of the process with this job has been almost too easy, which makes sense if it's really where God wants me. It might still not work out, and that'll be ok, because there will be something else. But it also might work out and be really great. Even though the money thing is a concern, God's managed to take care of me pretty well this whole time, making sure I have juuuuust enough to squeeze out all my bills and loans and living expenses each month, sometimes through random circumstances and sometimes through other means. Sure, it's getting really old not to be able to go drive up to Estes Park because gas is approximately $15.76/gal and my car gets approximately 3 miles/gal (both are perhaps slight exaggerations), but that's just the way things are right now.

I guess the point is, sometimes I like to rail and complain and whinge to God about what I don't have in my life, or the problems I do have, when it seems like everyone else gets the things I want - and it seems so easy for them. But guess what? They're not me. I'm not them. God has something else in mind for me - different crosses, different joys. And that's good and beautiful and really hard but really worth it. I'm excited to see what's coming up, excited to walk that path with God and hopefully stick to it, excited to see the person God wants me to become.


*I think there was more I was going to say, but I wrote this almost two weeks ago (on 5/25). And now I have to write a new post with an update, since my visit to this prospective job has come and gone as of this past weekend. So...on to that post, I guess! Or maybe not quite yet. :)

Unexpected Lent

I need to preface this by saying that I'm blessed, overall. My problems pale in comparison to others, such as a family I know (by association) who just lost their mother, unexpectedly and suddenly - a family with five children under the age of 7. In the grand scheme of things, my sufferings are nothing and are opportunities for great blessings. That doesn't necessarily mean that they're insignificant, though.

This year so far has brought some surprises. I expected unexpected things to happen, but I thought they might be of the more...positive variety. Suffice it to say, that has not been the case. It might still be (please God let those things happen!), but right now, the surprises have been more of the belt-tightening, learning-to-rely-on-others variety. Which, in its way, certainly has its positives. Right now I'm not in a position to turn down a lot of offers of help that I'm given, which is my natural inclination. (Independence ftw!) The beautiful thing is that I've been given these opportunities to say yes, to let other people give, to accept generosity. It's a really, really difficult thing for me to do, and I'm still not entirely comfortable about it, feel guilty about it, and am trying to keep track in my head everyone I have to pay back (not literally, but some way). I know I need to stop that - life isn't about giving equally. Some days, you have to be the recipient. Others, you get to be the giver - maybe not to the person who gave to you, but to someone else. Generosity begets generosity, I think, and that's something I need to learn. It's not a tally system. Now, obviously, when I'm in a position to give to those who have given to me, in whatever ways I can, I'm going to do that. But that's not the point of this time in my life.

I'm learning a lot right now. At the moment, there's not much I can do to improve or change my situation, other than looking and waiting. I'm trying faithfully to muster the strength to do what I need to do, and then to sit back and trust, but beyond that I can't change my externals. I think there's a reason for that. God needs me to work on my internals, and since I'm sometimes stubborn (or, more accurately, lazy), he's knocking me over the head with a 2x4 so I finally get the message, and so I finally start working on those things I need to. And, believe it or not, I have been. There's still a long way to go, but at least I'm on my way. And the way things are looking, I might still have months ahead of me in which I'll get to keep learning these lessons even more. Purging oneself of vices is a long and difficult process, friends. But it's good. It's so good for me, really. Money-wise, it's not like I was a big spender before - I've never really been very fast and loose with money. But typically, if there was a book or a movie I wanted to buy, I'd buy it (though I rarely buy books, and I have a great dislike for spending more than $5 on a movie). If I had a long day at work and just really wanted to eat out, I'd head to Qdoba or BK or somewhere (why, oh why did a Garbanzo AND a Panera come to my neighborhood precisely at the time when I had to cut out all eating out?). Target's always been a weak spot for me, though, because I'm weak to their clothes for some reason. No more trips there, that's for sure! So it stinks not to be able to have any of those things any more, or even the option of any of them, but it's also become freeing (after the initial mourning period). It's easier not to spend money when I don't have any money to spend! And it's easier to say no to buying that ice cream at the store, which is another added benefit.

It's made for a rather weird Lent, though - the external things I usually tend to give up I've already given up out of necessity (eating out, buying sweets, etc). I didn't give up coffee because...well, some things are just necessary - but I am drinking more of the work coffee than my own (work coffee is...not so good), and I've also given up putting anything in my coffee. Not much of a sacrifice, though, since I just do that sometimes anyway. But it gives me a good excuse not to buy milk for a while (or...not wanting to spend money on milk gives me a good reason to give up putting it in my coffee?). And my Lent has also been one of waiting - waiting to hear, waiting for the opportunity, waiting waiting waiting. (Story of my life?) Another difficulty of this whole thing is the fact that what I'm waiting for, what I'm hoping for, what I'm praying for, almost certainly means moving out of Colorado. (Spoiler alert!) I mean, God's in charge of this whole thing so he could have something totally unexpected up his sleeve, but so far it's looking like he wants me to give up on that dream - at least for now. It's just kind of funny that the answer to my prayers might involve giving up some things I love more than almost anything else. (And by "funny" I mean "God's got a funny sense of humor.")

So, it stinks, it's difficult, and I'm so very tired of the whole thing. It's not supposed to be like this, and I know it won't be like this forever. But God has something to show me, even in this. He has a purpose, a reason, and a plan. I just need to trust him, and move forward in that trust,, knowing that if I put in the effort - or even the willingness, putting God ahead of everything else, he'll make the right thing happen. I just have to be open and willing to suffer. Suffering's not all bad. There's a lot of beauty in it, and it's entirely necessary. Our suffering comes in different ways, depending on what we need, but if we give ourselves up to it and don't turn the suffering into the enemy, a lot of fruit can come from it. God's using this time to prepare me for something. No idea what, yet, but something's on the horizon. In the meantime, I'm learning to be incredibly grateful for generous people in my life - roommates who let me ride with them to church and sometimes buy me coffee afterward, friends who offer to buy me lunch or a beer on occasion, an anonymous benefactor at work who left me $10 to get a car wash. And, always always generous, my amazing parents who are so supportive and for whom I am so incredibly and eternally thankful. It's really a wondrous thing, too - just when I think I'm at the end of my rope, taken all I can, God gives me just enough to keep going. He's watching out for me. (Also, hiking is free. And so is knitting, with the huge stash of yarn I've managed to accumulate.)

We all have crosses. Most of them get traded out throughout life - the crosses I have now are probably going to be entirely different than those I'll have in ten years. The crosses I have now (which include more than what I've mentioned here - not getting to go buy qdoba or a movie or spend money on other unnecessary expenses isn't a very big cross by itself, exactly) are in some ways objectively teeny compared to those other people are carrying right now. Believe me, I know that. I am so thankful for what I do have, and even the fact that my trials are such that I can worry about these relatively trivial things. God gives us the crosses we need, the crosses we can bear (always with his help), the crosses that will lead us closer to him. No two people take the same path to God. The important thing is that we get there - or at least keep trying.

"For God alone my soul waits in silence; from him comes my salvation. He only is my rock and my salvation, my fortress; I shall not be greatly moved...For God alone my soul waits in silence, for my hope is from him. He only is my rock and my salvation, my fortress; I shall not be shaken. On God rests my deliverance and my honor; my mighty rock, my refuge is God." Psalm 62

Waiting for the ice to melt

I'm not sure if you're aware, but there was a football game a couple of nights ago. A pretty big one, if you're a college football fan. Or, as is my case, if you're a Notre Dame football fan. (Other than ND, I couldn't really care much less about college football.) And, in pretty epic fashion (as ND is good at), we lost. On the biggest stage there is. A lot. It was pretty sad. But...I guess that 3-win season my senior year sort of broke me of being terribly sad after ND losses. Sure, I love it when we win - I love it a whole heck of a lot. I always want us to win. But when we lose, it's no fun, but then it's done. It's not my life, and it shouldn't be, and that's the way it is. It was fun watching a 12-0 season! Until the aforementioned 13th game...in which we looked a lot more like that 3 win season than this 12 win season.

Well. It's silly, and not really real, but back in November after I had gone on that vocation retreat (which was the weekend ND unexpectedly ended up #1), I sort of had this thought. I thought, maybe, somehow, against all odds, this is the year Notre Dame will become national champions because maybe God wants me to give up everything - even football - to go be a contemplative nun, but he wants to let me see the first before I do the second. And then when ND beat USC, and we were solidly #1 and going to the national championship, and I was in the throes of vocationy angst, I got a little nervous. Though I'm a firm believer that God really doesn't care about sports, and doesn't actually affect who wins games, that other part of me couldn't help but say, "Ok, God, if you want me to do this, maybe Notre Dame will actually win this thing." Or maybe it was more "If ND actually wins this thing, maybe you really do want me to do this." I'm not sure. Ridiculous either way, I know, but we cling to these kinds of things sometimes, don't we?

Obviously, we know how the game ended. As for my life, that one's still up in the air. More of me tends toward feeling the call to marriage, especially after a Day of Reflection that my office had back in December, which involved a day at a shrine near our office building, with a few talks given by one of the priests who regularly says Mass for us, and adoration, and Mass, and lots and lots of time for prayer and silence. (It was actually a Silent Retreat, which means we didn't talk to each other the whole time. So, approximately 6-7 hours of not talking. AKA, a normal day in the Life of Susie.) Anyway, at one point during this day, in which I talked to God a lot about the whole vocation thing since that's kind of all I have to think about right now (in that, it feels like everything hinges on that one Big Decision, which is silly because that's not actually the case), I just really felt this strong call that said "You're going to get married." As in, I'm supposed to. (I think. It also could have been "You're going to get married because you can't get out of your head that you want to, even though I might want something else for you.") Of course, two days later one of my friends texted and said her boyfriend had just proposed, so maybe I misheard. (Haha. Mostly just kidding.)

What's the point of all this? Well, I guess the point is that even though I felt a great deal of peace and near-certainty after that day in December, and even though Notre Dame lost - and I mean lost - yesterday, I still don't know. Though I am pretty cautiously and hopefully leaning more towards where I feel more led. At least until God gives me something else. I can't base my life on the outcome of a football game, and I'm not very good at determining my path through a tiny whisper. I think that second one might cause me a few issues, though, because God speaks best through whispers.

For now, it's just keep swimming! Even when the water looks like this:

God will help me figure things out. He doesn't ignore the desires of our hearts. He doesn't look at them and then make us give them up to prove our love for him (at least...I don't think he does). He uses them to help lead us to him and to the path he wants us on. This is, of course, assuming the desires of our hearts don't include things like killing our best friend's dog, or setting fire to our neighbor's house. I think he'd probably prefer we give up those ones.

I was too complacent last year. Not happy, discontent, but afraid to try to do much to change it. This year will be different. I don't know what if anything will change by the time 2014 rolls around, but I hope that I'll at least be able to say that I put in my level best and if nothing's actually changed, it's because God wants me where I am. And maybe come January 2014, Notre Dame will actually be national champions. Or, heck, I'll be on my way to getting married. Who knows!

2012: Retro(spective)

I've been trying to figure out how I feel about 2012, now that it's but a memory. Some really great things stand out, but they're mostly little things. And really, that's ok. Really great little things are easier to maintain and keep going than the really great big things, I think. But there were also some pretty not great things that were harder to shake off without a really great big thing, if that makes any sense. All in all, I'm not terribly sad to see 2012 become a memory. I learned some things about myself on which I'm still ruminating and trying to fit in and figure out how to change based on what I learned.

Anyway, let's see. The bad. There have been ups and downs with my job, but that's a given anywhere. This summer with the Waldo Canyon fire was pretty darned awful. Actually, that was the biggest bad thing that happened this year, I think. There were also a number of sad, tragic things that didn't affect me as directly but were sad and emotional in general. And a few sad deaths. But overall, I think the pall over my year was more the lack of fulfillment or the lack of goodness that I had. And that's what I need to change this year.

The good: I had some really good days, which were good in small ways that equal wonderful. One of the days that really stands out was the day I took off work with my roommate (slash coworker) and we drove up to Estes and went horseback riding. It was just a perfect day. Beautiful, with the trees in the midst of their golden glory, enchantingly foggy in the morning. The ride only lasted an hour, but it was so delightful. It had been years since I had been on a horse, and then it was very brief and just around a small corral. I entirely fell in love with it this time around, though. It's funny - it's a great way to connect with nature, but it's also a good reminder of how in control we're not. I mean, sure, these horses are used to commands and whatnot, but at any given time something could spook them or something entirely unpredictable could happen, and they could bolt or buck or anything. You just have to sit there and trust. It's a cool thing.

Oh, also, there was a miniature donkey that tagged along with our horseback riding party, which was pretty awesome. I sort of love donkeys. Though, this particular guy was kind of a pain for the horses - he liked to antagonize them which added an element of unpredictability to the horses' behavior. But still. Miniature! Donkey!

After that hour of horsing around (har har), Brittany and I took our adventure into Rocky Mountain NP, where we drove and stopped and took pictures wherever and whenever we wanted. We went as far as we could up Trail Ridge Road, which had, sadly, been closed just the day before (and reopened a day or two after our excursion) due to weather. Brittany had never been up to the Alpine Visitor Center, which is a spot I love, so I was hoping to take her. Alas. We parked our car at the spot where they had closed the road, and then walked up the road a little further to get past a bend that was blocking a gorgeous view of the mountain ranges. It was magical. And it even snowed a bit while we were gallivanting on the unoccupied road, which utterly delighted me.

The whole adventure in the park was wonderful. Beautiful views, even some elk sightings. That place has a huge chunk of my heart.

On our way out of Estes later that day, after eating and wandering the shops, I suddenly saw a herd of elk next to one of the lakes and we decided to turn around and go admire them. In case I haven't mentioned before, I kind of like elk a little bit. And we got so close to them! They were behind a split rail fence, so there was at least a barrier or else I wouldn't have gotten that close. (I love them, but I'm not dumb. Well, not usually, anyway. Sometimes my reasoning skills go out the door when there are elk around. Or buffalo.) And wouldn't you know it, both of our cameras had died before our elk sighting. I got a few less-than-quality pictures with my phone (it's the non-smart variety, so I don't have a good camera on it), and she might have to, but it was kind of disappointing. Also nice, though, because I got to stand there and just enjoy them instead of trying to get the perfect picture to capture the moment.

So. That was one of my particularly spectacular days of 2012. Most other great days that stand out also involve Estes Park/Rocky Mountain/elk/taking pretty pictures of colorful Colorado/hiking/snow. I also got to see two of my friends get married (in person!) (not to each other), which also allowed me to see Notre Dame (which has another chunk of my heart) and DC (which I'm always surprised to find I miss sometimes) - and some dear people I left behind in DC when I graduated. Those are all delightful memories I'll cherish.

2012. Not all bad. Enough good for me to have lots of great memories. Realizing the things that really matter to me, that really make me happy, that I'm going to be able to focus on and make more of a priority in 2013 so that, in a year, I might be able to look back at even more great memories that crowd out the bad. One of my resolutions is to make sure I go on at least one hike a month. Like, a legitimate hike. My mom asked me the other day why I don't consider taking the dogs to Palmer Park a hike, since it is sort of hike-like. I can't explain it, but it's just not hikey enough for me. There's a place in Evergreen, CO that I've gone a couple times to "hike", and it's closer to what I picture for a hike, but it's still too...lacking in something. Maybe it's the nearness to civilization that does it. Still feeling like I'm in the city. (Though, Evergreen's certainly not a city by any stretch.) I might need to revamp my definition to include places like those, depending on how things go. Either way, making myself get out and go will be good. I just don't like to hike alone which is a potential problem, since I often find it difficult to find people around to go with me. Maybe I'll join a hiking club.

I basically just need to stop talking about things I like to do/want to do and actually do them. More picture-taking (well, I'm not sure that's actually physically possible, but maybe one of these days managing to do something so that I can prettify them or do something with them (figure out a way to sell them, maybe?), more knitting (also considering how to start selling that, too, though the thought of charging money for something I knit feels...wrong. Knitting for people is my love language. Plus, if I actually charged for material plus time, I don't know that there's many people who would want to pay it. I don't know if people who say "I'd totally pay money for that!" actually realize how much goes into it. Though at least charging materials would be reasonable. Oh, I don't know.), more hiking. Definitely more hiking. After my hiking extravaganza of summer 2011 (aka the summer of unemployment), summer 2012 was deplorable hiking-wise. And winter hiking is so fun too! Man. I need to make that happen.

Another goal is to go back through at least my notebooks from grad school, type them up, and maybe cross reference with some of the readings from the classes. I feel like I've lost a lot of what I learned, at least to an extent, and since that's all kind of important to me and kind of related to what I'd ultimately like to be doing, I need to get my flabby brain back into shape. (And with any luck my flabby body will do the same, though not from reading/notetyping.) I also want to make it a priority to get to Mass at least 15 minutes early (on Sundays, anyway). Maybe normal people do this, but I don't typically. Last night we went to the vigil Mass at the Cathedral for today's feast, and I showed up early because I wanted to get gas on the way (and I didn't know how crowded it would be. Answer: not at all). It was so peaceful. It had a lot to do with the low lights, since it was evening and dark out, and the beautiful altar with its poinsettias and white-lighted evergreens, and the aforementioned non-crowd, but it was great to have the chance just to kneel there contemplating the cross, Jesus, and his will for me. I didn't rush into Mass during the opening hymn, trying to find an open seat, unable to gather my thoughts and prepare myself for what I was entering into. I need more of the peaceful, less of the rushing in my life. And I really, really need to draw closer to Christ this year. He's really longing for that, and I really need it. I should also add regular adoration to my list of resolutions, since my adorationing has been rather deplorably rare in the past. I know it's something I really need, it just takes effort, and I am nothing if not lazy. (Ultimately, that's what I want to work on this year.)

Anyway, I'm cautiously optimistic about this year. Maybe not so cautiously, actually. Hopelessly optimistic. (Ha!) It kind of scares me, actually, being any kind of optimistic. I like to be realistic (aka, tending towards pessimistic), since it yields less in the way of disappointments. But hey, why not try some optimism? At the very least, I'm fairly confident that 2013 holds some changes for me. Big, little, who knows. Kind of exciting to see how it all plays out! Also, I just found my patron saint for 2013 (using this handy-dandy generator) and I got St. Brigid of Ireland, who's the patron of some interesting things. I've been letting life live me for too long. I need to start living life.

Bring in on, 2013. Bring it on.

Vocatory

As I mentioned recently, I went on a vocation retreat a few weekends back. There's an abbey up in northern Colorado that I knew of, and some friends have visited, and I almost went on a retreat they had back in August. I've never really felt called to religious life, but I also haven't explored it much. I've always thought that I'm open to the idea should I feel called in that direction, but I don't know if I really have been open to it, or in a position where I'd hear a call should it come. Anyway. So off I went. I figured, at the very least, that it'd be quiet, relaxing, and pretty. And, bonus, they have cows! Everyone should know that I like cows. And pretty much any kind of farm animal. And then some. I got there after vespers on Friday evening (after a slightly harrowing drive up - since it gets dark so early now, it was dark most of the trip, and once I got past Fort Collins I was in absolutely unfamiliar territory, with very few signs of civilization. I knew there were hills and mountains around, but I couldn't see any of them. Upside to that is the great view of the stars from there. No light pollution, super bright stars. I love that), and was enchanted upon walking into the main building as I was greeted by the smell of wood. I love that smell. I want to live in a log cabin. Anyway, there was a talk, and then night prayer, and then off to bed at the late hour of 8:30. (Considering that's about 4 hours earlier than my sometimes-typical-but-trying-not-to-be bedtime, I did not go to sleep right away. It was lucky for me, though, that I was fighting a cold that weekend, because it made me actually ready for bed much earlier than I otherwise would have been and thus, despite early morning wakeups, was not at all sleep deprived on this retreat. Another lovely part of it.)

The first prayer of the morning is at 4:50, which they blessedly said we didn't have to go to. I had gone to bed pretty early (for me) the night before, but waking up to be IN the chapel at 4:50 is...tiring to think about. I got up at some point later than that, got ready, and walked from the guest house to the main house (they're about 3/4 mile away from each other). That walk in the early early morning is lovely. I secretly do love early mornings, but I don't love being tired, so I don't often experience much of them. I did that weekend, though, and got to see the sun first hit some of the hills around the place, and I got to enjoy the sight of the cows I hadn't noticed the night before. Their cows are furry! Well, some of them. With that plus their coloring, some of them reminded me of pandas. They made me pretty happy.

Saturday was filled with a lot of prayer. They're a contemplative Benedictine order, so their lives are pretty much ordered around saying the Divine Office. Seven times a day they're in the chapel (not including Mass), singing and praying to God. My in-the-world mindset kept thinking "Man, it must get annoying with all these chunks of time that interrupt everything else they have to do." We were kept pretty busy throughout the day - between prayer times in the chapel, we had to fit our meals, we helped a few of the sisters vaccinate some of their more stubborn cows (THAT was interesting) - and we got to feed their two llamas, and you'd better believe I loved that - and a few of the sisters gave us some talks, and we had adoration. It was actually not at all the quiet, relaxing weekend I had expected. It was so good, though. Even just experiencing it for two days, there's something really, really great about ordering life around prayer rather than prayer around life. People might think it seems unproductive, or not very practical for getting anything done. But...that's what they do. Everything else just fits around prayer. Sometimes, though it might not seem like it to the world, the most important thing we can do is pray. Sometimes that's all we can do. It's very counter-cultural to think like that, but it's exactly how we should think. Obviously everyone has different roles and is called to serve God best through different means, but these sisters (and religious like them), they're the heart of the Church. Nothing we do matters without prayer. Throughout the weekend, watching them during prayer and as they were talking to us at different points, it's clear how much they love Jesus - and it's obvious that they're incredibly special to him and that he absolutely loves them. (He loves us all, of course, but women religious like them have a very special place in his heart. Obviously they do - if you're a nun, you're literally married to Christ. And the spouse of Christ gets to occupy a pretty special place in his heart.) It was indescribably peaceful to be around them, and it's very easy for me to see how that would be an attractive life. Very hard, with a lot of sacrifice, of course, but how can being so close to Jesus not be attractive? Every time I would try to picture myself being part of that, and thinking of all the reasons I shouldn't feel called to it (ie, things I'm not sure I'd be able to give up, essentially), I just came back to the thought that Jesus is more important than all those things. If I'm not willing to give them up, wouldn't that mean I am choosing them above Jesus? Or that I love them more than I love him?

Of course, this would assume that I am called to that life. I have no doubt and no qualms with the idea that the religious life is higher than married life, in a sense anyway. Married life is good, very good, very beautiful, and very loved by God. (He gave the first human a wife, after all.) But religious life is...different. Anyway, I'm not trying to argue one over the other. What I'm trying to say is that, for me, if I'm called to the religious life then it comes down to choosing to love Jesus more than anything else. But if I'm not called to that, then choosing something else (ie, a husband, should he ever show up) won't mean I'm putting that ahead of Jesus, because the path God chose for me to best get to heaven will include another person with whom I'll grow closer to Jesus, together.

I don't think that the retreat exactly gave me any clarity on this subject. I think it made me more aware of the beauty of the life I've never really explored, and allowed me to see that, if I'm called to give up my desire for a husband and children, my desire for Jesus will fill up all the holes I might be worried I'd feel. I've gone from a place of "Oh, that's a nice thing, for other people, but I just really want to get married" to "I really want to be married, but if God has another plan for me, I think it could be really beautiful." Maybe I'll keep sliding down that side of the spectrum until I can't even remember what it feels like to want to get married. Who knows. I don't exactly see that happening, but I'm more open to the possibility. If God wants me, he's going to get me. He's going to have to do some work on me first to get me there, but he'll make it happen. And if that's not what he wants for me, then he'll make something else happen. What matters more is that I do my best to pursue his will, even if I discern incorrectly one way or the other. As the homily I heard today said, the process of discerning itself is what's important. It inevitably draws us closer to God, whatever the outcome, and that's ultimately what we're called to in this life. It's all about him, and growing deeper in love with him, regardless of what path we're on. I mean, I could pray and discern and pray and discern some more, and discern that I should pursue religious life, and start the process, but then the order turns me down (or something along those lines). Just because I have a crush on a guy doesn't mean he's going to ask me to marry him; just because I feel a pull to an order doesn't mean they'll feel the same about me. As we heard today at Mass, discernment doesn't mean predicting the future!

In any case, it was a great weekend, and it was so easy to pray there, and I might just go back, either for some more vocation-contemplation (ha! get it? because they're CONTEMPLATIVES!), or just to let myself sink into the peace of that place, so filled with prayer that there's no room for worry or anxiety. And to enjoy the great view of the stars for longer than I was able to last month. And the cows. OH. I didn't even tell you about their dog. They have a couple, but one of them is a HUGE great dane. I mean, huge. When he's on all four paws, his head almost comes up to my chest. I'm not exactly short, either. He's awesome.

This is all kind of silly, and kind of "duh" level stuff, but I feel more at peace. Not more clarity, but more peace. I do really, really want to get married. If it turns out I'm not called to that. God's going to have to do quite a bit of adjustment to my heart, but the good news is he's absolutely capable of that. It'll all work out, and I just need to be open to whatever "it" is. A lot easier said than done, sometimes, figuring out the line between God's will and my will. Ah, well, we're all works in progress. Thankfully, God's pretty patient, and he knows us pretty well, and gives a lot of points for effort.

Veekend Vignettes

I went home this weekend which was, as it always and forever is, lovely. I had Thursday off from work, as I mentioned, and took Friday off, and it was nice. I love my parents so much. My siblings, too, obviously, but I didn't see them much this weekend as it sometimes happens. But my parents are just fabulous. Also, I love getting to visit my pup. I hate that she doesn't live with me, but at least it gives me a good reason to go home more often. As if I need a reason.

Anyway, point of my story is that I left this morning instead of later in the day on Sunday as I normally would. For the fifth year in a row, my organization and another Catholic organization up here in Denver had their annual flag football game, and beforehand one of the people I work with had a Broncos gamewatch. My plan initially was to leave early this morning, go to Mass up here, then go to the gamewatch. But, as often happens, I didn't leave as early as I planned, and then left even later. I was going to go to Mass in the evening up here, but then randomly decided I'd stop in Castle Rock and go there, since they have an 11:30 Mass. I felt guilty because I definitely wasn't dressed Sunday-appropriate since it wasn't really planned, but on the bright side it'll give me a little more compassion for people I see in church on Sunday wearing jeans. (Of course, this being Colorado and fairly more casual than some other parts of the country, most people wear jeans at Mass anyway.) But the Mass itself was surprisingly nice. The music was your typical Breaking Bread stuff, of which I'm not a huge fan but it's more common than not around here. The priest who's up there used to be in the Springs, so I was familiar with him and I like him. The church itself was quite pretty for a Colorado church. I mean, still not my preferred style of old-school cruciform or just the two basic columns of pews, but it was pretty. And there were a lot of windows, except for the wall behind the altar (where the crucifix is), which allows for some great views of the mountains. The church is kind of on top of a hill, too, so it maximizes the beauty. I've always thought Castle Rock is a nice little city, but it's even prettier than I realized. I think I could live there if I ever had a reason to.

New subject.

Last week, I finished a Broncos-colored striped hat and scarf for my younger brother, per his request. (Boy, did I have a hard time finding the perfect shades of orange and blue in the same type and brand of yarn. I literally spent at least half an hour pondering two sliiiiightly different shades of orange in two brands of yarn, and it was tough because I really liked the orange of this one brand better than the orange of another brand, but the blue of the second brand was better than the blue of the first, and I couldn't really mix and match because the yarns weren't quite the same size or feel. It was really quite the herculean effort to make a decision and get myself out of there. So they're not perfect color-wise, but they're definitely pretty ok in the end, I think. I hope he thinks so too...) Anyway, rather than do a lacy, fancy, probably girly-ish scarf pattern for his scarf, I opted for a basic workhorse 2x2 rib. Just a basic ol' scarf. I alternated colors every 16 rows, and I just really enjoyed doing it. I love the intricate patterns that make people say "Oh wow, you're so talented!" when they see them (though I myself would never presume to call myself "talented") (that was a reference to the Gwyneth Paltrow version of Emma, by the way, in case you missed that), but sometimes it's so much more relaxing just to do a very basic, very easy pattern that I barely even have to look at while I'm working on it.

So, long story short, I decided I should make more scarves using that basic pattern. I have a lot of yarn. A. LOT. of. yarn. An embarrassingly large amount of it is yarn that's a bit more fancy, more high-maintenance, more expensive, which I don't have any business owning, really (and, for the record, I would like you all to know that I haven't bought yarn in almost a year, aside from the previously mentioned Bronco colors and a ball or two needed to finish some projects here and there. Well...and a few other things. Most of my stash was created during grad school which, in hindsight, I don't know what the heck I was thinking. I suppose I could start selling it if I get really desperate). But I also have a number of skeins of yarn that was my go-to yarn for the first four years I was knitting. Before I discovered yarn stores and all the goodness that lies within them. So, I decided I should do something with these extra skeins I have, leftovers from previous projects. I've always wanted to do more charity knitting, but never have - there was a time in grad school when I was going to start knitting baby blankets for pregnancy centers. I'm not sure why that one never materialized; possibly because blankets, even baby blankets, are more time consuming. Scarves, though? If I got off the internet and just knit after work every day, I could probably whip out at least two of these babies a week. It's getting colder, and I always feel guilty for not doing much for homeless people like I know I should. So, they're going to get some stripey scarves. Depending on how ambitious I'm feeling, I might do matching hats too, but that might be dumb. I don't know how they distribute these kinds of things, so if anything, I might just make a pile of basic hats sans stripes. Solid blue, solid black, that kind of thing. But first the scarves, because hats are sometimes more of a pain. I'm excited about it. I get to reduce my stash and do something good with it. Of course, what I should do is finish the three or four projects I already have on needles, but like I said, sometimes my mind needs a break from cabling and yarn overs and remembering a pattern more intricate than knit two, purl two.

New subject.

Everyone I know is in a relationship.

Ok, that's obviously absolutely, totally, and in all other ways false, but some days it really feels like that. Today is one of those days. And it's great, being around a lot of awesome couples and families (working where I work, big Catholic families are pretty hard to avoid), but sometimes it just makes me feel so much more single than I already do, and I didn't even think that was possible. I just don't know. I just don't get it. And in lieu of anything else making sense, I'm thinking about going on a retreat to an abbey up in northern Colorado in two weeks. I really don't feel called to that, but maybe I'm just not listening. It's entirely possible. I think I'm exceptionally good at ignoring what God puts plainly right in front of my face. If nothing else, it would be a weekend away from...everything. Everything except nature and God. Sounds kind of lovely. And maybe what I really really need right now. I feel like I need a change, but I'm not quite sure what or where or how. Maybe this could help push my reset button and help me figure out what setting I should be operating from. Or at least be a nice, relaxing weekend with nuns, nature, and animals. Three very good things. Oh, and I'm sure lots of prayer. And Jesus. (But that kinda goes without saying.)

Being not afraid!

Remember this post? Probably not because I only just published it. (I had written it, and then thought I might want to add to it, and never did and never actually posted it.)

Well. It's all about how influential JPII has been in my life and my journey as a mature Catholic. I always hear people talk about how connected they feel with St. Therese, and how they always see her working in their lives, and I've just never felt that about her and always feel kind of bad about it. But I just now realized that, hey, not everyone has that relationship with her. We all have different saints speak to us in different ways. And the way people talk about St. Therese, that's how I feel about John Paul II. Not that they're mutually exclusive, of course, and not that people can't have multiple saints clearly working in their lives, but there it is.

So what's the point? The point is this. Yesterday at Mass, during that awkward time when sometimes there are announcements and sometimes people don't know whether they should stay standing or sit down or how long it'll be or what, we did have an announcement. (Thankfully, though, our priest told us to sit. No questions there!) The announcement? My parish is hosting a pilgrimage to Poland next June. Led, in part, by our pastor, who is (have I mentioned?) from Poland. It's a pilgrimage that will include: venerating the relics of St. Faustina, seeing Auschwitz, visiting the birthplace of JPII, seeing Czestochowa, Lichen, Warsaw, Krakow, and other awesome things. I've never been out of the country. I've never been on a pilgrimage. I've long thought it would be amazing to visit Poland. And now, a trip with my parish and our awesome pastor? A trip that visits places where John Paul II lived and visited and prayed? My heart's yearning for this. It's kind of scary - it'll require a lot of penny-pinching, and more than a little apprehension and trepidation at the fact that I won't know anyone else on the trip, not to mention the fact that the idea of leaving the country is slightly intimidating, but I've never really done anything in my life. I have all these ideas of things I want to do, but I never follow through (and I'm starting to realize how mistaken in that I've been all these years). Sure, partly I tell myself it's for practical reasons that I don't do things I want to, don't pursue things I'm interested in, but it's also due a great deal to fear. I've let fear dictate too much in my life. And I don't want to do that anymore. John Paul II's whole papacy was centered on "Be not afraid." I need to start living that out.

And a pilgrimage to Poland might be the perfect start.

(It's not quite as simple as that, though, since it does cost quite a bit of money and I'm very much not at all rolling in the dough. But I'm pretty sure that if it's something God wants me to do, it'll happen. One way or another.)

I now have The Byrds stuck in my head

I went home this weekend for my brother's birthday (and because I hadn't been down in a month, which is a long time for me considering I live 90 miles away. And considering my sweetie pie dog lives with my parents there). It was lovely, as usual, and I couldn't help but feel so...right when I was walking the dogs on Saturday evening. It was one of those perfectly autumn (and perfect autumn) walks - the air was crisp, cool, and clean, there were leaves on the ground to crunch, and still lots of pretty changing leaves on the trees. The air smelled delicious in the way it does during fall, and everything felt wonderful and cozy. It's a walk I love any time of the year (one of the things I dislike most about my current living situation is that our neighborhood isn't one I really feel a desire to walk around in. My parents' neighborhood, though? It's awesome), but in the fall it's just great. Granted, I'll say the same thing in winter (I do so love to go for walks on cold winter nights when it's snowing. One of my favorite things), and I say the same thing in spring and in summer. There's always a certain time of each season when that walk is just perfectly that season, and I can't get enough of it.

God is so generous to have given us such a place. (And I don't just mean Colorado, although I do happen to think Colorado is pretty up there on the fabulous meter of places to live.) I'm so glad for seasons. Every time a new season starts there's something amazingly exciting about it, and I can't get enough of the season. And then by the end of the season usually I'm ready for the next season to start, but also sad to see the current season go. (One exception: I'm rarely sad to see summer go. Summer is good for hiking - great for hiking - and being outside and all that kind of thing. In general, though, it's my least favorite season and I'm usually more than ready for fall to come by the time it does.) One thing is for sure, though - I wouldn't appreciate any of the seasons if we only had that one season. Winter comes before spring, but we can't have spring without winter. Or summer, for that matter. (Of course, there are some places that are perpetually summer or winter, or don't have much change in weather in general...I feel bad for those people. They don't get to experience the excitement of the first snow, or of a heartachingly beautiful summer day. Not to the same degree, at least. Or places without leaves that change! How sad for them! But they don't really know what they're missing. And they also don't necessarily know to appreciate what they have.)

What I'm saying is that life can't always be happy, or sad, or middling. There have to be ups to go with the downs, and downs to go with the ups, and those times in between when you're not really sure where you are. I need to work on being more grateful for the not-so-happy times in my life, because they really are necessary. Life's not going to be an endless summer (or, in my case, winter. I do so love the winter). It can't be. Well, it can be, but if it is, we don't appreciate what we have. Cliche and all, but it's true. I need to learn to appreciate and be happy with this season in my life, just like I appreciate and am happy for each season of the year when I'm in it. Sure, there are always times when I wish it would just hurry up and be winter already! But I know it's coming, and it'll be here eventually, so I should appreciate fall and all its yellow/orange/red loveliness.

(And man, I do appreciate fall and all the loveliness it brings.)

Sunshine and rainbows? No, but it's not Mount Doom, either.

So, I had a really great birthday and a really great post-birthday weekend complete with more birthday festivities (of sorts), and it was all good and lovely and wonderful.

Now it's back to real life.

I love fall, I do, completely, but we only got a tease of it the other day and since then it's been back into the warmer temperatures that I'm more or less done with. I'd like fall to come and actually be here and stick around for a while. Or at least as long as fall knows how to stick around in Colorado.
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I like my little mini-house-attached-to-the-house. It's nice, and so much better than my teeny room last year, and it's great. But I can't help feeling like I'd just rather be back in the Springs, where my family and my dog are. And friends who are on my ever-growing list of long-distance friendships I'm trying (and mostly failing) to maintain. It's hard having a life down there and a life here that I'm trying to work harder at so that it does feel more like home up here. It's hard to visit home a couple times a month, or whatever, and inevitably miss out on opportunities to maintain and build friendships up here; it's hard not to go home all the time. I don't know what the answer is.
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I have a job. There are great people there; the organization is great and wonderful and something I know we really need. I have a steady income, even if it's not enough to be very comfortable, or get out of debt any time soon. But I'm sick of feeling like I'm in the completely wrong place, wasting my time acquiring no skills that I'd actually need in a job I want to do, using nothing of the two degrees I have that I got for a reason. And I'm sick of feeling like there's nowhere else for me to go, even if I had the courage to leave. I'm sick of feeling stuck. I'm sick of feeling like I haven't even really grown up yet because this is not the job I'm supposed to have. Not at 27. Not as a graduate of Notre Dame with a master's degree. Not when people I went to grad school with got jobs almost immediately as directors of various diocesan offices, jobs with the USCCB, campus ministry jobs, and/or, you know, got married. There's nothing wrong with or demeaning about my job now, but it feels like I'm wasting the education God allowed me to get. It feels like I'm completely under-utilizing my gifts and talents and abilities and knowledge. Of course, if God wanted me to be doing something else he could make it a little bit easier for me to find what that is...but still. Point stands. If people know what my job is, sometimes I'm embarrassed to tell them my educational background (or I just downplay the fact that I have a master's degree by saying it's only in theology which, really, is an awful thing for me to do); if people know my educational background sometimes I'm embarrassed to tell them what I do. I know that's more of a me-problem than anything else, and it's definitely a pride issue I need to get over, but still. I can tell sometimes that people have that question in their mind, why are you doing what you do if you have a masters in theology? But, again, maybe that's just something I have to get over - I should just be thankful I have a job, and that I get to live in Colorado again.
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I have pretty much no constraints on my time. Sure, I have the occasional thing I'm committed to (right now, flag football on Saturday mornings, Biblical school one night a week, Bible study one morning a week), but I'm single which means having no one really depending on me, no one else I have to schedule around, and I can go to the store whenever I want, go to church whenever I want, take a walk, whatever. But boy, it gets old. One of the most irritating things I hear/see (married) people say to single people is to enjoy being free to do whatever, whenever. As if any of them would trade their husbands/children for the opportunity to be able to go waste time at Target on a random Wednesday evening? I know that's not what they're saying, but sometimes it feels like it. Sure, there's looking for the positives in every situation, and that's valid. But sometimes you're in a situation for so long that the positives start to become redundant. There's nothing special about being able to do anything any time if you have that option all the time. And maybe that's the point - always being thankful for it. But let me tell you, being perpetually single is hard, and it gets really old.

Every year seems like it's particularly tough, but this year I have more friends getting married than ever before, I think. A few years back there was a spate of weddings in one of my groups of friends, but most of them were at least a few years older than me. This year it's people my age. And I'm quickly becoming even more in the minority. Weddings are great, and fun, and I'm thankful I've gotten to go to the three I have so far this year. And I'm looking forward to the one I'm in in November. But it's also really, really hard. I mean, I guess I can compare it to really wanting to get married, but instead having to go to all of your friends' weddings. Alone. (Get it? Because that's exactly what it is.) Sometimes facebook is just the worst, especially those days when it seems like all anyone did was get married, get engaged, or have a baby - or post pictures of any or all of those three. And especially when it's people younger than me. I know that shouldn't matter, but it does. And I can't help but wonder what they did that I haven't that allowed them to get married at that age when I can't even get a date at any age, practically. What's so special about them? What's so not-special about me? I know that's not true, and I know that we all have our own stories and God has his own plan for each of us, and I know I'm not the only one who's still single, but it still feels like I've been left behind, forgotten about. When most of my friends are in serious relationships and I haven't been asked out in longer than I care to remember, it's hard not to wonder why. It's hard not to feel a little bit miffed with God. It's harder not to feel a lot frustrated with myself and whatever it is I must be doing wrong (because there must be something, right?) - but not really knowing what it is.

Some days it's just really hard to appreciate having lots of "freedom" while watching from the sidelines as all your friends enjoy their babies and husbands, when all you have ever really wanted is to be able to do that too. Sometimes it's hard to know how to enjoy living your life when you feel like you're still waiting for your life to start - because this can't be all there is. My life can't consist of going to a job every day that more often than not drains me in a wholly non-satisfying way, coming home to an empty room to do whatever I want, staying up too late, going to bed to get up and do it all again the next morning, always just looking forward to the times I can escape home for a weekend to see my family and my dog and enjoy life again. I know that's not all my life consists of, but that's a good chunk of it (or what it feels like, at this too-late hour when I'm overly emotional for some reason). I just wish one aspect of my life was figured out, at least for now. That at least one part of me felt satisfied with how things are going. But I guess I just have to keep chugging along, trusting that something good will come along eventually - a great job that's a good fit for me, a great guy who actually finds my weird quirks endearing, an opportunity to go live in the mountains and forget about everything. God has a plan, which I know - I just don't trust myself not to screw it up as I've probably already done countless times. No matter how often I do that, he can still make good come from my messes, but at some point you gotta think he'll just give up. (Note: no he won't.)

I know it'll all be ok, somehow. I may not get what I want; I already haven't gotten what I want on my own schedule. But right now, I just want a family. I know they're hard, and there are a lot of struggles that go along with them (to say the least). But at least there'd be someone there to struggle with. I hear it's nice to have that.
_

Well, that's enough from me on this for now. Pray for me, will you? If it's not God's will that I get married, or any time soon, at least for him to show me where I'm supposed to be right now (and please God let that be somewhere else - a new position at work if nothing else) - and for him to give me courage to do what I need to do, and trust in him (and myself). Life is...tough. I know I'll get through it, and something will happen, or it won't, and God will work on my heart to make it more like his, but right now...right now it's hard to see how any of it will work out.

It's not all bad, though. Today for lunch I had my leftovers from dinner when my parents took me out Friday night. We went to this awesome Nepalese place, which was decorated super-fun(ly), and they had yak. So I got yak curry, and lo, it was delicious. I was looking forward to the leftovers today but was slightly concerned since it'd been four days. Surprise #1 was that I had forgotten I had taken the naan we couldn't finish at dinner, which was also great. Surprise #2 was that both the naan and the yak curry tasted even better than I remembered them tasting. So that was a delight for my Tuesday.

And on top of that, Dunkin Donuts Pumpkin Spice flavored coffee. It tastes so much like fall. I bought my first bag of it last week, and it's just the greatest. Especially since it was on sale. So I've got that going for me, which is nice.

Also, today was the September birthday celebration at work (which is slightly funny because tonight I was watching The Office and one of the episodes that came on was the one where Jim tries to combine birthdays, which I had thought of today during the party), and the three of us who have September birthdays were talking about what we did/are going to do for our birthdays, and one mentioned that she might go up to Estes Park. The other girl and I both said we wanted to do that too, but it didn't work out. Anyway, we got on the topic of elk bugling, because apparently September is the time for it, and I mentioned that Estes Park is having their annual elk festival the last weekend of September, and that I really wanted to go. So my friend (the other September birthday) said we should totally do it, and I think we're actually going to so I'm fairly extremely excited about the possibility. Especially since that will mean two Estes Park visits in one week which makes me a happy girl (my roommate and I are going horseback riding up there next week. Though with my luck, and because I keep saying how much I want it, that'll be the day we get our first snowfall. Might make it more fun, though...).

So. Yes. Life's not all bad.

Newsflash: I still love Colorado.

I have some random things to get out of my head today.

First off, as always: knitting.


My current project. It's going to be a blanket someday, but I'm really loving it so much. I started this pattern back in Nov 2010, but scrapped it shortly thereafter as being too much of a challenge at the time. Not anymore! Muahaha. But seriously, it's really enjoyable. Just enough challenge to keep it interesting, but not too much that I don't want to keep working on it. I'm a little bit in love, is what I'm saying. Which is both good and bad because I currently have something like four projects on the needles right now, and I'm about to start a fifth. All but one are not small projects, either. There's just not enough time for knitting!

I really just love knitting. (I know, you're blown away by that statement.) It feels so good to be good and proficient at something. I can do knitting. I can do it well. I've never stuck with a hobby this long, and I've never invested so much of myself in a hobby. I really don't like thinking of it as a hobby, either, because that just doesn't seem to say enough about it. It's funny, though; I don't really think of myself as a crafty person at all. Knitting is more cerebral than creative for me. It's more about rules and instructions than creating something. Obviously something is created by the end, but...it's just different, somehow, than "crafting." I don't know. Either way, though, I love it, and I'm glad I have it in my life.

Next topic: spiritual direction. I signed up to do this thing called an "armchair retreat" that a local place does every Lent, I guess. Or at least the last two Lents. It's an organization that focuses on spiritual direction, and training spiritual directors. The people who run it have ties to a church in Denver I really like. Anyway, this retreat involved six weeks of dedicating at least 30 minutes each day to prayer, and meeting with a spiritual director once a week. I think this coming week is the last meeting, which is sad. It's been really great! I've never been very good about setting aside time for prayer, but it's something I really wanted to work on this Lent - and I've also really been wanting to start going to a spiritual director - so this retreat was perfect. I'm not sure that I would say it's been anything earth-shattering, but it's amazing how much just thinking about where you are in your relationship with God, having specific things to pray with, and having someone to talk out what you feel during prayer can really help make some things make sense. I've had some interesting revelations that aren't necessarily things I didn't know before, but this helped put them in a different light, and it's helping me work on things I've really been needing to work on. It's just been a really good thing for me, and I hope I can continue seeing good fruits from it. I'm sure I will. And getting into the habit of praying every day has definitely been a good thing for me.

I've been really anxious lately to get my MTS diploma. It should be any day now, I hope, though it might still be a week or two...or more maybe. I just seem to remember people I knew who graduated in years ahead of me getting them around this time. It really doesn't make a difference for anything, but it'll be cool to see it, you know?


Yesterday, my office had a day of recollection, which we do once a month and usually just involves having adoration throughout the day in addition to our normal Mass, and the priest who does it also has times throughout the day for spiritual direction and confession. But every few months we have a retreat day at the Cabrini Shrine just down the highway from our building, and that's what we did yesterday. It was lovely. Lots of time for silent prayer and reflection, adoration, three talks given by the priest doing the retreat, and he was very adamant that he'd be available for confession during all the allotted times and even after Mass (which was at the end of the retreat in the afternoon) if anyone still needed to go. Not surprisingly, a lot of what he talked about was confession-related as well. Really, it was all about God's mercy, which is very much tied up with confession. It was all fabulous, though. (One thing he said that I liked was that we should think of it as days are to showers what months are to confession. Most people take showers every day, even though they don't strictly have to - it's just something most of us make time for. If not every day, usually at least every other day. Confession is something that we should do at least once a month if we can. Right away if there's a mortal sin to confess, but sin - even venial - just weakens our relationship with God, and can make us more vulnerable to the pulls and temptations of the devil that lead us into mortal sin. Frequent confession helps to combat that. So even though going once a month isn't strictly necessary, it definitely doesn't hurt! I've been going every other week during Lent, and it's amazing how much easier confession is when you go every two weeks. It's still hard, and I still try to talk myself out of it every time, but once I'm there it's a lot easier, and the graces from it are so good! So, anyway, frequent confession. Definitely think about it.

Other than the spiritual aspect of yesterday, I also had lots of great things to enjoy: first of all, Colorado is beautiful. I'm not sure if you're all aware of this or not, but man. Yeah. Sometimes I feel like a geek because I get so overly excited when I see the same mountain range that I see on my way to work every day, or when I see the buffalo, or when I see a beautiful sunset (not uncommon here!), or when I see that blue Colorado sky behind a tannish-green hill, with some white clouds thrown in for contrast. But you know what? I'm so thankful I don't take that stuff for granted. I'm so thankful I can find happiness in it every time, and thank God for it every time. I hope I never get to a point when it becomes blase. Anyway. So there was lots of time to be thankful for that yesterday. On our way up to the shrine, a few deer crossed the road in front of us, which make me super happy. I always look for deer in the hills on my way to work, and I was so excited to see them so close! On our way back down at the end of the day, on the side of one of the hills there was a HUGE herd of elk (I think it was elk) - seriously, at least fifty of them. That was pretty fantastic too. I spent some of the prayer times we had outside, enjoying the awesome lovely weather (upper 70s in Colorado is one of my favorite temperatures. That, or teens), and at one point I realized - there are daffodils! I saw daffodils, and I was so happy. I miss the flowers that are in abundance out there on the east coast, and that I don't really see out here (azaleas, how sad I am not to see you this year), and I don't think I've seen any daffodils out here yet, so that was pretty much the greatest thing. There were also some pretty crocuses (total happenstance that I know what they are, because someone on a blog I read mentioned the crocuses in one of the pictures from a recent post I read today) near the daffodils. I just love flowers.

So, aside from that, I also went to Goodwill with my roommate yesterday evening, and found several skirts I'm rather excited about, a few shirts to go with them, and two dresses! My skirt wardrobe has been bumming me out lately, because most of them I've had so long and worn so often, and there's just a lot of black and brown skirts. So, I colored it up a bit. Yay. And at Goodwill prices, you just can't beat it. That was pretty exciting. Especially the dresses. Especially one of the dresses. I just love it. I'm not sure if it might actually look like upholstery (pretty upholstery, of course), but it just fits so well and I just love it. That's all. Oh, and then on the way home from Goodwill, we were driving on a road slightly north of our neighborhood, which is a weird little area of town with somewhat farmy houses mixed in with more neighborhoody houses. But people up there have horses, and I've seen donkeys, and then yesterday, first I noticed this house had a horse, then I saw some cute dogs sitting on the porch, and then, almost as we were already passed it, I realized I was looking at three or four ALPACAS. I'm sure my roommate thinks I'm crazy with how excited I got over them, but man, I just can't help it. Although, it is a little odd how excited I get when I see large animals like that. Alpacas, elk, deer, buffalo, donkeys...sometimes seeing cows make me really happy too. I'm not sure what it is. But whatever, I love it. I've always wanted to live on a farm anyway.

And that was my good day yesterday. Of course, my rear passenger side window wouldn't roll back up after my roommate rolled it down on our drive home, so that was a bummer because I had to take it in this morning to get fixed, which cost money. But oh well. Maybe God decided I didn't need that $100, and didn't want me spending it on something I don't need. And then maybe he decided that finding ants in our kitchen this morning was the only surefire way to get me to go buy a mop so I could properly wash our floor (without resorting to the hands-and-knees Cinderella method, which I probably just wouldn't have done). And he also knew that it would put me into cleaning mode which would cause me to do vacuuming I've been neglecting. He didn't necessarily cause those things to happen, but I think he allowed them because it's for my own good. He knew I'd thank him later. :-) (That's a Monk reference for you sad people who have not discovered the joys of that wonderful show.)

Well, I think this has been more than enough rambling from me to last a week or more. Maybe the next one will be a more serious post talking about real things, and with fewer references to large herd animals. Though I might not be able to resist throwing in at least one...

Redesigning

I just spent probably way too much time making my blog look nicer. I realized a few days ago that I hadn't actually looked at it in probably over a year, and when I finally did tonight, it just needed a change. I'm excited I could make one of my pictures the big background picture! Fun times, fun times.

I'm really trying to get more serious about this writing thing. It's important to me, and I think it might be something God's trying to push me towards in one capacity or another. Besides, I like it. I've been journaling a lot more, especially with prayer, and it's been a lot better for me. I'm more organized on paper.

Anyway. My life is unique, because I'm unique, and I might have something of interest to share once in awhile. And even if I don't, it might be nice some day to go back and remember the fun things I did during this time in my life. Like this weekend, when I had an awesome time with one of my roommates - we went to Mass on Saturday, then met up with a few people to pray at Planned Parenthood, then went out to breakfast with them, and we did lots of yardwork at our house. It was so lovely out, and we spent a good chunk of the day in that loveliness. We even went down to Old Town Arvada to a little St Patrick's day fest they were having (which was approximately one block long, and included somewhere in the neighborhood of ten booths. But it was fun nonetheless. And we saw a girl carrying around a cat. On a leash. So...totally worth it, right?). And on Sunday I went and played ultimate frisbee, which I will be doing every Sunday. (Weird, I know.) Thankfully, my team has some awesome people on it, and they're not all uber-competitive about winning, and it's just fun. I'm terrible, but it's fun. (By the way, playing ultimate frisbee when there are some super strong wind gusts going on is...interesting, to say the least. It's almost pointless to run in the direction that someone is throwing the frisbee because chances are, it'll end up on the opposite side of the field. Or across the street. Or it might just hover there for awhile while multiple sets of hands reach up trying to grab it.)

Speaking of my roommates (several sentences ago...), have I mentioned how awesome they are? Probably not. But they are. One's getting married in September, but the other three of us are planning on staying together when our lease is up. It's so nice, having roommates like I do. Not that I've had bad roommates previously, of course. I'm just thankful it all worked out so well again this time, since it was kind of just a random conglomeration of "Hey, the three of us work together and thus sort of know each other and we're all looking to move closer to work, and then there's a fourth girl that two of you don't know but let's all live together!" So, that's nice. Tonight I played a few rounds of Speed with one of my roommates. Lots of fun. And then we finally rearranged the furniture in our TV room (which had been sort of sparse until this weekend, when we got a couch that had been sitting in someone's basement or something). The room looks so...room-like now! We're pretty excited about it. We now have enough sitting spaces for all of us to sit on not the floor! (Previously we had a chair, a small-ish futon, and...an end table. And now we have the chair, the futon, and a three-cushion couch! And we put a coffee table in there too that had been just chilling against the wall.) We're pretty awesome, what can I say.

This weekend coming up is a three-day weekend (yay for working for a Catholic org that gives us the Annunciation off! It really should be a holy day of obligation anyway. I mean, it's when Jesus actually became man. Life beings at conception, after all). I'm hoping to go to Estes Park, or at least hiking somewhere. (I really really want to go to RMNP, but a) not alone, and I'm not sure if I'd have someone up for going on Saturday, and b) gas is expensive, have you noticed? But I just really need to go be in nature and away from civilization. Not entirely, but somewhat. Maybe I'll see if there's somewhere good to hike that's a bit closer.) I'm mostly hoping just to sleep in on Saturday, because I haven't slept in for awhile. And the next weekend my parents might come visit me and bring my sweet Nutmeg up here! Maybe she can meet my roommates. And then we'll take her up to the dog park I found a few weeks ago up in the mountains that looks fabulous. And maybe to bark at the buffalo, but they haven't been around for awhile. Not near the interstate, anyway. (Plus, I would be slightly nervous to see how she reacts to buffalo...and how they react to her...they are rather big, after all.)

I got invited to a coworker's wedding in April, which is exciting. Going dateless is not so much, but I've never gone not-dateless, so oh well! Maybe there will be - gasp! - single Catholic men there. They must exist somewhere...but it'll just be fun to go to a wedding where I don't have to do any traveling! And it's at the church I go to here, and my favorite priest here is doing the ceremony, so, that's great. Oh, and of course Easter is in April! I love the Triduum. And I get Thursday, Friday, and Monday off, so that'll be a nice long break to spend at home. The Cathedral in the Springs is having their Good Friday service at 3pm, which is my favorite time for it ever since Notre Dame. I'll be spending all of the Triduum there, I think. (And when I say I think, I mean for sure.) I'm also going to cash in on a graduation gift that I still haven't used, but since I'll be home for several days, I'll be able to make time for it. ("Make time", like it's a difficult thing I'll be doing. It's a massage. Why I haven't used it yet is beyond me.) Woot.

Speaking of graduation, I'm starting to get all itchy to get my diploma! I think sometime around now is when they typically start coming each year. It's not like having the diploma changes anything, but it'll be so great to see it! I hope it's here soooon.

Guess what else? I'm also knitting things. Currently working on a blanket with a pattern I've been wanting to do for over a year, and I lurrrve it. So that's fun. Too much to knit, not enough time!

Alas, now it is time for sleep.