All we need is Love.

There are a lot of things in this world that scare me, some more rationally and realistically than others. Fires. Walking alone at night. Spiders. This summer has been particularly spider-filled, and, with the exception of the past week, for a while I've been finding a wolf spider in my bathroom (usually in the shower) almost every other morning. Just the other night I was in there getting ready for bed, and noticed an especially large spider sitting in the shower door frame. Of course, the sliding door doesn't fit the frame well enough for me to kill it when I tried to shut it, and it just crawled out onto the wall. After a couple of unsuccessful attempts to kill, I finally sent it on its final trip down the toilet. It was disgusting and disturbing, and I would rather not have had to deal with that. Spiders freak me out and startle me every time.

But that fear doesn't come anywhere near demonic possession. Not necessarily a fear of personally becoming possessed, but the fact that it happens. That it's real. That it exists. Rare, but real. I was reading something about the Aurora shooter today, which hinted at possible demonic possession. Just the sudden thought of it, something that hadn't occurred to me before with all of this, terrified me. One of the worst dreams I've ever had involved someone being possessed. It's an absolutely terrifying thought.

This article that I also read today put it in good perspective, though. Yes, possession is real, and it's terrifying. Evil exists in this world, whether a person does something because of demonic possession or simply being influenced by evil. We can't escape the fact that evil is in this world - but so is good. This world was created from good, and for good, by Good. And Good is so much more powerful. I think demonic possession - or even just demonic influence - should be something that terrifies us, to the point where we acknowledge it and avoid it as much as we can (not to the point where we obsess over it or give it more influence in our lives than we ought). But the good news is, we know what defeats it. I might be scared of a spider because I might not have the tools to deal with it when it attacks me (for example, my irrational fear of reaching into a closet, disturbing a brown recluse, and getting bitten). But we already have the tools to deal with evil. Sure, it's not always going to be as easy as saying a few Hail Marys and Our Fathers when you feel particularly pushed down by evil forces, or when you wake up in the middle of the night and can almost feel an evil presence. We do have those prayers to help us avoid being influenced by evil. But we also have the Mass. We have the sacraments. We have Jesus, and Jesus will always, always win over evil. Even for those people who lost their lives - evil didn't defeat them. Jesus welcomed them. Even for their families, Jesus is there comforting them, leading them to the path of peace and forgiveness. Even - especially - for the shooter himself. Possessed or not, evil doesn't have to win. Jesus is greater than that. He still has a chance to turn back to Jesus. (And therein lies part of the reason I don't believe in the death penalty.) He can't do it alone, though - he needs our prayers so very badly. Maybe he didn't have anyone praying for him, and he didn't have access to the sacraments that we all so desperately need. But now we can pray for him, pray that he is freed of the influences that led him to do this awful thing, pray that he turns to the One who loves him and will welcome him back with open arms.

Evil is real. Demons are real. But Jesus is real, too, and he's always with us. Evil isn't just something we stumble into - it's something we choose, even if it's just a little bit at a time. That's why we need to cling to Jesus as our anchor and guide, so that we have a way to pull ourselves out when we get in too deep, when we find ourselves going down a path we shouldn't or we don't want to be on. And the good news is, it's never to late to turn back. We always have to deal with the consequences of our actions, but no matter what we do, it's never too far for Jesus to bring us back. Even for the shooter now, after his undeniably evil actions. Whatever led him to that, he can still choose to come back. He already chose evil, but he can still choose good for the rest of his life. That's the beauty of God's love. He always has a readily available endless supply, there for the taking. All we need is to ask, and he gives more generously than we could ever hope.

For those who are negatively affected by the evil actions of others, sometimes it's hard to understand why it had to happen. Really, it didn't have to happen. Evil is chosen. God gave us free will so we'd be able to choose him, but that also means we're able to choose evil. That's part of living in this world. So, because we're human, and humans sin and choose to do evil, we are going to have to feel the pain of evil actions in one way or another. There isn't an easy answer for why - why this person and not that person, why him and not me, why me and not her. God has a plan. We mess up the plan continually, but God knows that and makes good come from it anyway, in one way or another. We probably won't ever know why God allows something bad to happen to one person but not the person sitting right next to him, but that's not necessarily our information to know. As I saw posted on Facebook today, one of my favorite quotes from one of my favorite books from one of my favorite series, which I've mentioned recently:

Like with the fires last month, I don't know why some people have to suffer more than others, or why God lets some people suffer in certain ways that seem harder than other ways he lets people suffer. We all learn from suffering of varying degrees, and difficult times of varying intensity, and I don't know why my suffering is what it is and others' is something different. We don't know why he allows some to live - even through unbelievably miraculous circumstances - while others he allows to die. But I do know that God has a plan to make good from all of it, if we let him. We all have something to learn from our own crosses, which are never the same as others' crosses or lessons. All crosses, all suffering lead to a greater good, though it's sometimes hard to understand why they're necessary. ("Why do we fall? So we can learn to pick ourselves up." Why do we suffer? So we can learn what it means to be joyful, trusting, hopeful, maybe.)

We live in a fallen world, where bad things happen, and people make bad, painful, evil choices. That's what we get for being human, for being here. This isn't where we're meant to be, it's not what we were made for, and until we get there, we are going to have to endure pain, suffering, and evil. The devil will try until the very end to get as many people as he can to turn from the one thing we all need - the One that can defeat the rest, and can put evil in its place. So until this world has reached its end, we will see events like we saw on Friday. We will see people choose evil things. We will see evil take hold of human beings and use them for its own irrational, deceitful purpose. But we will also see miracles. We will see heroes acting bravely, choosing good in the face of evil. We will see forgiveness of the seemingly-unforgivable. We will continue to flock to churches to pray when we hear the news. Surely prayer in the face of these evil actions is quite the opposite reaction than the enemy would like us to have. Prayer is a lot more comforting than despair, though. Hope and trust in the Lord is incomparably more soothing, calming, and heart-healing than finger-pointing, arguing, and turning to anger and desolation. The devil wants us to turn from God, to despair, to become hopeless in the face of incomprehensible evil. But for so many of us, in times like these turning to God is all we can do - and it's the best thing we can do.

Life in this world will never be easy or without pain. Evil is in our world. But God's grace? It's so much more, so much greater, so much more utterly abounding than we will ever know. Evil is scary. It can hurt us. But God's love will never fail, and will always heal. He knows how to deal with evil, and he will. And thank God for that!

All Things Made New

It's been a weird, emotional week. I still haven't quite been able to figure out why this fire is affecting me so deeply (other than the fact that it's devastating, but I think everyone agrees on that and not all seem as distraught as I am). All I know is, it's reduced me to a blubbering mess - or nearly so, when I've managed to get a handle on it before the real blubbering began - more times and in front of more people than I care to recount. I don't like crying, at least not when I'm around anyone else. I've cried a lot about this. Tuesday night, though, it changed from a heartache to just absolutely gut-wrenching apocalyptic-feeling awfulness. Tuesday the fire unexpectedly and very quickly jumped a few ridges and raced down the mountain there into a neighborhood that got decimated. And then some. We didn't find out the real number until yesterday, but it's approximately 346 homes were absolutely destroyed. There are some aerial pictures of the area, and many of those houses are just flattened. Nothing left. It's unreal. Watching the scene unfold Tuesday evening, having just gotten back from spiritual direction (one of the places I fell apart in front of another person), I was in absolute shock. Last thing I knew before I left work that evening, not much had changed. But in those couple of hours, the fire moved so quickly and the whole thing was just so unreal. To everyone, I think. It's not something you ever expect to see. Wildfires aren't typically so close to such populated areas like this one is, which is why it's been such a high priority from the beginning. It hurt to watch; I can only imagine what the families who live in those houses were feeling that night. And what they're feeling tonight, and will feel every day for the rest of their lives. Last night we found out that the remains of one person had been found in one of the destroyed houses, and that a second person from that residence was missing. Today they announced that they found the second person in that house as well. This fire went from sad and a danger simply from the perspective of its proximity to the city and the fact that it was destroying some beautiful land, to devastating in deadly in very quick succession.


***

I wrote that a couple of days ago. I've had more time to process, and I spent the weekend back down in the Springs. It was really good for me to be there; it makes little difference me being here or there in the grand scheme of things, but I just needed to be there in my community, in my hometown, with my family, with my city that's feeling the same thing I'm feeling. Like I said, this whole thing affected me way more than I would have ever expected - although every time I would drive up 24, and would see the sign announcing the fire danger of the day, and think about what it'd be like if my mountains went up in flames...I knew it'd hurt. And it did. It does. I still don't know what it looks like - heck, the fire's still burning, so no one really knows what it'll look like when it's all done. But it'll be...sad. It just will be. All of the Waldo Canyon trail that was so lovely and beautiful is gone. I don't know what happens to hiking trails in the middle of fire zones, but I'd imagine much of the trail itself is gone too, just because of fallen trees, rocks, and whatever else happens in fires. It's just...heartaching to think about. Obviously, like I've said, it's not a house. Losing a hiking trail isn't nearly the devastating thing that is losing a home and practically all one's possessions. It's still a sad thing, though, and it still can be mourned.

The other day I was sitting in church (oh, how I love being Catholic in times like these. There's just something so...comforting about having Mass to return to and celebrate in the midst of tragedy, or in the midst of complete joy. It's just the best), and I was wondering what God was trying to tell me with all of this. I had some thoughts, which maybe I'll just keep to myself, but one thought that did occur to me in what he might be trying to tell me is...why did he have to take people's homes - even people's lives - so that I could learn something more about him, about myself, about life? What's he trying to tell them, and did it really require having them lose their houses? (Of course, he didn't physically take those things - it's part of the fallenness of the world that tragedies like this happen.) But I realized something that I've read in Chronicles of Narnia - I don't get to hear their stories. That's between them and God. God wants to teach us all things, wants us all to be able to take certain lessons from events that happen in our lives. But it's not universal. Those people lost their houses. I lost something else - something less important, perhaps, but still personal. God has something he wants to tell me from this, just like he has something he wants to tell those people. Their story isn't my story. Maybe someday I'll lose my house, and I'll have to figure out then where God is in that, what he wants me to learn from that.

I don't think I'm making much sense here. My point is, though, that God uses these things to draw us closer to him - if we let him. We can take the other path, and despair, and rail against God for what he's done. And obviously I'm looking at this from a different perspective than one of those who did lose everything. Maybe I'd be sitting here, railing at God, questioning everything I've ever learned about him. I hope not, but I can't really say that I wouldn't. But we get to choose. We can choose to blame God, or we can choose to praise God and trust him. He brings good from everything. He doesn't cause everything that's bad, but he brings about good from it if we let him.

Last Monday, before things got really bad with the fire (but when the wound was still fresh and painful), I drove up to Boulder after work to see a movie with my roommate and some people. The drive from my house to Boulder happens to be lovely. At one point of it, though, I could see the smoke from the fire stretching out south of me, going east. I was surprised at how clearly I could see it - but the nearly-setting sun helped amplify it, I think. It was sad to see. But then I turned north, and was driving along a lovely stretch of the foothills with my windows down (it's been in the 90s and 100s the past couple of weeks, but I've been stubbornly refusing to turn on my AC and roll up my windows). I was just admiring the view, but also thinking about other views in Colorado, just as lovely, both near the Springs and elsewhere the fires were burning, and I couldn't help but ask God why. Why couldn't he just send us some rain to put those fires out? Why was he letting one of his most glorious and breathtaking creations (aka Colorado, not that I'm biased or anything) burn down, be marred for years to come? And it just hit me: "I let my Son die, too." Ok, God, I get it. The most perfect human being ever to walk on this earth, and God let him die. It was necessary, and obviously the greatest good came from it. But that doesn't mean it wasn't painful, and wasn't difficult, and didn't hurt even God to watch it. The beauty of a state is slightly different than the perfect human being, our Savior, the Son of God, but on a small level it still works. I'm sure it hurts God to watch what's going on, and to see how much it hurts us - and, maybe in some small way, he's sad to see part of his beautiful creation go up in flames. (Of course, he'll see it back to its magnificence again since he's not really in time, but the rest of us won't see it like that again in our lifetimes.)

But he also sees all the good that's been coming out of it. It's been such an awesome thing to see my hometown pull together like it has, working to help out and support those who have been affect, and those who are still fighting the fire. I hope it will continue. It's been...so amazingly beautiful to see it. That was one of the things I really needed when I went home - it's not just a news story there. It's...us. It's our town, our city, our mountains, our homes (or our friends' homes, or families' homes). Sure, it's a news story too, but we're all living it. It just felt good to feel a part of that, instead of just watching it go on from miles away. My heart's still in the Springs. Denver is just...it just doesn't have it. Anyway, though, being there, seeing the community pull together, it makes my heart so happy. And my heart needed that. A lot. And you know, homes will be rebuilt. I can't imagine what those 346 families are going through right now, and then some - some of the streets are entirely wiped out except a house or two. I can't imagine living in one of those homes, going back to it when every single one of my neighbors' houses are completely gone. But with time, that area will come back. It won't be the same, the houses won't be the same, the people won't be the same in one way or another, but it will come back. And the mountains will grow new life again. New trees, new bushes, new flowers. It won't be the same, and it will take time, but it will happen. God makes everything new. Sometimes in nature burns are necessary for new life, for regrowth. We just don't like it when that happens to our nature because we don't know what will come next. But God always brings forth new life. He always brings about good. We don't yet know what will be the long-term effects of all of this, but maybe years from now we'll look back and realize the amazing new growth that's come from it that we never would have seen had this not happened.

I have much more to say on all of this, but for now...I just love Colorado. I love Colorado Springs. My heart hurts for it, for what we've lost, for what we still have to do - but my heart's also filled with gratitude at what we've accomplished. Gratitude at the firefighters, police officers, and everyone working to get this thing taken care of. Gratitude at everyone who's stepped up in ways big and small to help however they can. And did I mention the firefighters? Man, those guys. They're beyond awesome, and deserve so much (and probably get so little). I hope they know how much we appreciate them. Not only are they fighting this fire like pros, they're doing it in extremely hot weather and bad fire conditions, wearing what I assume are crazy-hot protective suits, on terrain that is certainly not at all flat and not at all easy to move around on. And what a job they're doing. The first few days of the fire things went pretty well, though there was little containment. The day the world exploded, I can only imagine how they felt. Man can only do so much, though, and fire and weather will do what it will sometimes. But since that day, when it almost tripled in size, it really hasn't grown all that much - maybe another 2,000 or so acres in the last five days. And no more houses. I don't know that much about fighting fires, but I think that's a pretty impressive feat. So, way to go, guys. People like you deserve the money and accolades that people like Lady Gaga get. Actually, better than that. Anyway, I think you'll have a pretty good reward eventually. :-) Firefighters. God bless 'em.