I have yet to get to a point where I really enjoy being single, where I'm content with it and happy with it as a semi-permanent status. Maybe that's my problem and I do need to get to that point, but it's hard to be happy and content with something that you know isn't ultimately what or where you're supposed to be. That said, though, my dislike of it as a state of being waxes and wanes - sometimes it's worse than others, sometimes it bothers me less than others. Today, lately, it's been one of the tougher times (both mitigated and made worse by the upcoming job/location change in my life). And as seems to happen, when I'm having a harder time with it and am feeling my singleness more acutely, there's a lot more reminders that seem to rub my nose in the fact that I'm not not single. Which one is cause and which is effect is up for debate, but either way unfortunately these reminders tend to come in the form of really happy things, really good things, things that should make my heart sing with joy for my friends and loved ones, fellow parishioners, random people I don't know but my friends do, many, many former classmates, etc. Instead, I have to battle myself to keep from falling into despair when I just want to be happy for other people without feeling sad for myself (especially when I feel like I'm on this roller coaster ride that started out with a lot of people but there's been a mass exodus and there are just a few of us left, and I don't even like roller coasters so I've been wanting to leave for a long time).
(As an aside: I really hate complaining about being single. Which, considering how often I talk about it, might surprise you. It feels kind of pathetic to me, because I guess I just feel like it shouldn't be such a big thing in my life, but when all you've wanted your whole life was to be married and be a mother, and you're seeing all your friends and classmates and family one by one couple up until being single makes you sort of the anomaly, and you're having to find a career when you've never really wanted a "career" but a vocation, well, it makes it kind of difficult. And it isn't nothing, it is a cross, and a heavy one, that seems to get heavier by the day. But every time I think it might start to crush me, there Jesus is, lifting it himself again.) (And yes, I should have figured out the career thing sooner, but I studied what I wanted to for my own enjoyment and growth and deepening of faith, trusting that somehow it'd work out into something I wanted to do. And maybe now it has.) (And I also have to keep in mind that my path isn't anyone else's path, and their path isn't mine, and God has something specific for me that might not be what I expected but will ultimately turn out to be the best thing for me. So that's pretty cool too.)
Anyway, long introduction to my story of today. Mass was kind of difficult, as Mass sometimes is (sometimes there's no better place to go than Sunday Mass to feel extremely very single). Put me in kind of a melancholic funk, but not a depressive one. (There's a difference.) A few hours later, I took Nutmeg to Palmer Park. It had been overcast most of the day, foggy the whole morning and then just damp/drizzly. It cleared up a bit in the afternoon, and that's when I took Nutmeg. Well, while we were there, still on the first quarter of our walk, it started raining again, lightly at first and then a little more insistently. I considered turning around or finding a shortcut to the main trail that would make our walk much shorter, but then I decided to keep going. Nutmeg's not a huge fan of getting wet, but she loves Palmer Park, and I was pretty delighted by the magic of being in the trees during a nice soaking rain. Plus, this being Colorado and all, I knew it wasn't likely to last more than a few minutes. (Might have been 10-15 minutes total including drizzling on either end of the storm.) Unlike many rainstorms around here, this one wasn't accompanied by thunder or lightning (for the most part), so it was just so quiet. Just me, Nutmeg, and the sound of rain falling through the trees and on the rocks. Most of the rain fell on us while we were walking through the more forested part of our walk, and there was something utterly magical about it. I've been to Palmer Park in the fog, in the snow, in the freezing cold, in the sun, in the heat. I don't think I've ever been there in the middle of a prolonged rain, though. After a rain, before a rain, during a bit of drizzle, sure. This...this was something else.
I'm a firm believer that everyone should try to get caught in the rain once in awhile. There's just something about it - you just have to give up and let it happen. (I suppose you could be prepared with a raincoat, or an umbrella, or something, but what's the fun in that?) It makes you feel like a little kid again! And today, it gave me a great distraction and sort of reset my brain. I need to remember to be thankful for these little gifts from God. Feeling like the only person in the world for those few minutes, enjoying the incredible beauty of this world God made just for me. (and, you know, everyone else.) It was one of my favorite Palmer Park experiences to date, which, as that's one of my favorite places, is saying something.
I just love the way everything comes so alive when it rains. It's such an experience to be out in the middle of it as it's happening, rather than watching from a window or being out in it after the fact. Everything gets somehow deeper, fuller, even brighter, somehow. Greens become more green. Browns become browner. Reds become richer. And all in their own different ways - different tree trunks become their own deeper browns. Each green plant becomes more of its own fresh green. Every rock becomes more...rocky red/brown/tan/yellow. Everything smells its very best. It's like the whole of nature takes a great sigh of relief and delights in who and what God made them all to be, down to their very roots, and puts on a show to express their gratitude for God and the rain he provides. Thus was born my theory that rain is very Eucharistic (because I'm sure no one else has ever thought of this since my thoughts are so original). The plants need the rain like we need Jesus - He offers Himself to be freely consumed by us, taken into our bodies to our roots, so to speak, sustaining us like nothing else does. Without Him, we dry up, we become so much less of what we are meant to be. With Him, we become fresher, deeper, more beautifully fragrant, more visible. I've been too dry this summer, not going to Mass as frequently as I should - every Sunday just isn't enough. Life's too much of a desert for me to cover myself up from the rain when it comes. Nothing I'm doing at work is more important than making sure I take that half hour to go dance in the rain when it's offered. In a few weeks, it might not be as easy for me to go as frequently as I need (but I'm also hoping that other things will help fill the void. Such as having a life-giving job that I actually enjoy), so I should be doing a better job of taking it in now while I know I can.
Because, really, Mass isn't about going to Mass to be with other people. It's about going to Mass to be with Jesus, with other people or not. It's about communion with each other, yes, but we're not there for that purpose - we're there for Jesus. So it's silly to let myself get sad about being there alone. I'm not there for me, or for my comfort, or for anything like that. I'm there for Jesus, for what he did for me, for what he offers me. It's him who sustains me, not any earthly relationship. Those are important, of course, but my life would still have meaning, I would still have meaning, if all those were taken away and it was just me and Jesus. And if I can't get that through my thick head, I probably am not in the right place to be with someone else anyway. Ultimately, it's all about Jesus. The rest is just gravy. Or an extra helping of rain.
Anyway, silly little analogy there, but it made me content and a little bit delighted today, and I needed the reminder. Point is, if ever you're out in nature and a summer rainstorm pops up, maybe don't run from it right away. It might be a little muddy, but it'll also be charmingly serene.
(This is where I would insert one of the few pictures I took on my crappy non-smartphone, since I always manage not to have my camera when I really want to take a picture, but alas, it's not letting me send them to my email at the moment. But trust me. It was beautiful.)
Sunday, July 28, 2013
Saturday, July 27, 2013
Seven Quick Takes: July's Almost Over! edition
(Disclaimer: This post has almost nothing to do with the fact that July's almost over.)
1. I had a rather disturbing experience on my way to work one morning this week. Just after I had merged onto 70 from 470, I saw that there was a buck hopping around the median, apparently having just managed to cross the eastbound side of the highway without incident. When I first saw him I thought he was going to run across just in time for me to hit him, so I slowed a bit so as to be ready just in case. But instead he kind of kept going back and forth, obviously very nervous and skittish, terrified of the cars whizzing past. He had turned back toward the east bound side as I was going to pass him, so I sped up again in case he decided to try to cross the westbound side right as I was passing him. After I passed, he kept hopping around the median, and I just felt so sad and scared for him. But then I saw him make a run for it, and he managed to cross all four lanes there without incident. I would have been so upset if he had been hit (though, obviously, probably less so than the person who hit him would have been). I hate seeing dead deer after they've been hit so I can't imagine how badly I'd react to seeing the moment of death. That's something I really hate about our modern fast cars, highways, and big cities - so many animals getting killed. I know they're just animals, and it is what it is, but it still makes me really sad. Every time I see roadkill, even just a squirrel. (One time I saw a dog. Maybe twice, actually. THAT'S an awful sight.) We come in with our cars and roads, taking over their habitats, separating fields where they used to roam freely. Eh, I know the world wasn't made for the animals and all that, but we are supposed to be good stewards. And not that roads and cars mean we're not good stewards, and things die all the time, and I swear I'm not a hippie or an animal-lover-people-hater or anything like that. It just makes me sad for the animals sometimes. The end.
2. Remember last week how I mentioned that Scottish pastor I randomly found on the radio earlier that week? Well, they have up online the whole series he did on the book of Ruth (which he finished this week), and during work this week I listened to all 10 or 12 20-minute episodes (since I usually drive out of range while it's actually on the radio in the morning, so I don't get to hear the whole thing in the car). It was really good, especially what he said about marriage and whatnot. Some very, very good points, logical, true, no beating around the bush. He's got some very sound things to say, and it was enjoyable to listen to. But the other day I was curious, and I looked up his name + Catholicism, just to see, and it turns out he's pretty anti-Catholic. And, you know, that's just...disappointing. And it's not just that he has issues with certain things the Church teaches (I mean, as a non-Catholic, obviously that would be the case). He flat, outright thinks salvation is not possible within Catholicism. He disagrees with it to the extent that he wouldn't even sign the Manhattan Declaration (a document basically saying what marriage is and why it's important for everyone to understand what marriage is. Not religion-specific. Nothing out of the ordinary, if you believe in traditional marriage). He wrote a blog post at the time saying that while he agreed with everything in the document, he couldn't in good conscience sign something alongside those with whom he has such theological issues (specifically mentioning Roman Catholics, but also Eastern Orthodox and something else that escapes me at the moment). It's just...man, why? I don't get the anti-Catholic vein in some Christian religions. I mean, I guess I do, and obviously there are Catholics who do the same kind of thing, but still. It's not like I can't listen to this guy anymore - he's certainly very smart, and has his Biblical teaching down, and who doesn't love listening to that Scottish accent? But I just don't see how a fellow Christian can be so antagonistic against other Christians like that. Though, maybe he doesn't consider Catholics to be Christians. It's just...I just...I don't get it. He seems very smart, very well-versed, but verrrrrrry Sola Scriptura (which is, interesting, not at all mentioned in the Bible). Sigh. I guess that's just the way it goes sometimes.
3. Have you ever had a dream, a really good dream with something just really good in it, and then you wake up and get so disappointed when you realize, "Oh, it was just a dream." Not even necessarily something huge, like winning the lottery, but just something ordinary and wonderful. When I was seven or eight (just picking an age out of my hat, really), I had a dream in which I had a box of french fries. My family didn't get fast food very often when I was a kid, so having a box of french fries was a pretty cool thing. And then I woke up, and my hand (which had previously been holding the box of french fries) was suddenly and sadly empty. I was sad. Anyway. I had one of that kind of dream last night. Not quite french fries, but same idea. Point is, sometimes the lovely dreams are the cruelest, worst dreams.
4. Hey, if you're someone with someone special, don't take for granted having someone with whom you can hold hands. Unless, I guess, you're someone who doesn't like holding hands, in which case maybe you should change yourself because hand-holding is important.
5. It's so weird to think that in less than a month, I'll have been teaching for a week already. Still apprehensive about the next month (moving, transitioning, new people-ing), but excited to be there and settled and hopefully finding myself in a place where I can be happy for a while. Hard to give up things here, but looking forward to letting go and see what God gives me to grab onto there.
6. I enjoyed summer for the approximately 30 minutes I enjoy summer every year, but the few overcast, cooler days we've had the last couple of weeks have really made me start itching for fall again. Mmm I love fall. I love the way summer smells, but I love the way fall feels.
Also, football.
7. I have a pair of lounge pants that I bought when I first went to college, so they're now 10 years old. They have a huge hole in the knee and various smaller holes a few other places on either leg, and they're just very well-worn. I know I have to throw them out, but I just love them so much. Ever since I started realizing I was going to have to get rid of them eventually, I've been looking for a good replacement pair - it's hard to find lounge pants that are long enough (unlike jeans, it's not as common for lounge pants to come more than one length) and feel as good. My parents got me a pair of long pants for Christmas, and I do like them quite a bit, but they're just not quite the same. Nothing else will be. Sigh. They're just pants. But I do love them so. I guess everything comes to an end, eventually.
Knit of the week: finished the test knit I was doing! I'm thinking I need to knit myself multiple in different colors since it's awesome and will keep me warm in cold over air conditioned office buildings.
1. I had a rather disturbing experience on my way to work one morning this week. Just after I had merged onto 70 from 470, I saw that there was a buck hopping around the median, apparently having just managed to cross the eastbound side of the highway without incident. When I first saw him I thought he was going to run across just in time for me to hit him, so I slowed a bit so as to be ready just in case. But instead he kind of kept going back and forth, obviously very nervous and skittish, terrified of the cars whizzing past. He had turned back toward the east bound side as I was going to pass him, so I sped up again in case he decided to try to cross the westbound side right as I was passing him. After I passed, he kept hopping around the median, and I just felt so sad and scared for him. But then I saw him make a run for it, and he managed to cross all four lanes there without incident. I would have been so upset if he had been hit (though, obviously, probably less so than the person who hit him would have been). I hate seeing dead deer after they've been hit so I can't imagine how badly I'd react to seeing the moment of death. That's something I really hate about our modern fast cars, highways, and big cities - so many animals getting killed. I know they're just animals, and it is what it is, but it still makes me really sad. Every time I see roadkill, even just a squirrel. (One time I saw a dog. Maybe twice, actually. THAT'S an awful sight.) We come in with our cars and roads, taking over their habitats, separating fields where they used to roam freely. Eh, I know the world wasn't made for the animals and all that, but we are supposed to be good stewards. And not that roads and cars mean we're not good stewards, and things die all the time, and I swear I'm not a hippie or an animal-lover-people-hater or anything like that. It just makes me sad for the animals sometimes. The end.
2. Remember last week how I mentioned that Scottish pastor I randomly found on the radio earlier that week? Well, they have up online the whole series he did on the book of Ruth (which he finished this week), and during work this week I listened to all 10 or 12 20-minute episodes (since I usually drive out of range while it's actually on the radio in the morning, so I don't get to hear the whole thing in the car). It was really good, especially what he said about marriage and whatnot. Some very, very good points, logical, true, no beating around the bush. He's got some very sound things to say, and it was enjoyable to listen to. But the other day I was curious, and I looked up his name + Catholicism, just to see, and it turns out he's pretty anti-Catholic. And, you know, that's just...disappointing. And it's not just that he has issues with certain things the Church teaches (I mean, as a non-Catholic, obviously that would be the case). He flat, outright thinks salvation is not possible within Catholicism. He disagrees with it to the extent that he wouldn't even sign the Manhattan Declaration (a document basically saying what marriage is and why it's important for everyone to understand what marriage is. Not religion-specific. Nothing out of the ordinary, if you believe in traditional marriage). He wrote a blog post at the time saying that while he agreed with everything in the document, he couldn't in good conscience sign something alongside those with whom he has such theological issues (specifically mentioning Roman Catholics, but also Eastern Orthodox and something else that escapes me at the moment). It's just...man, why? I don't get the anti-Catholic vein in some Christian religions. I mean, I guess I do, and obviously there are Catholics who do the same kind of thing, but still. It's not like I can't listen to this guy anymore - he's certainly very smart, and has his Biblical teaching down, and who doesn't love listening to that Scottish accent? But I just don't see how a fellow Christian can be so antagonistic against other Christians like that. Though, maybe he doesn't consider Catholics to be Christians. It's just...I just...I don't get it. He seems very smart, very well-versed, but verrrrrrry Sola Scriptura (which is, interesting, not at all mentioned in the Bible). Sigh. I guess that's just the way it goes sometimes.
3. Have you ever had a dream, a really good dream with something just really good in it, and then you wake up and get so disappointed when you realize, "Oh, it was just a dream." Not even necessarily something huge, like winning the lottery, but just something ordinary and wonderful. When I was seven or eight (just picking an age out of my hat, really), I had a dream in which I had a box of french fries. My family didn't get fast food very often when I was a kid, so having a box of french fries was a pretty cool thing. And then I woke up, and my hand (which had previously been holding the box of french fries) was suddenly and sadly empty. I was sad. Anyway. I had one of that kind of dream last night. Not quite french fries, but same idea. Point is, sometimes the lovely dreams are the cruelest, worst dreams.
4. Hey, if you're someone with someone special, don't take for granted having someone with whom you can hold hands. Unless, I guess, you're someone who doesn't like holding hands, in which case maybe you should change yourself because hand-holding is important.
5. It's so weird to think that in less than a month, I'll have been teaching for a week already. Still apprehensive about the next month (moving, transitioning, new people-ing), but excited to be there and settled and hopefully finding myself in a place where I can be happy for a while. Hard to give up things here, but looking forward to letting go and see what God gives me to grab onto there.
6. I enjoyed summer for the approximately 30 minutes I enjoy summer every year, but the few overcast, cooler days we've had the last couple of weeks have really made me start itching for fall again. Mmm I love fall. I love the way summer smells, but I love the way fall feels.
Also, football.
7. I have a pair of lounge pants that I bought when I first went to college, so they're now 10 years old. They have a huge hole in the knee and various smaller holes a few other places on either leg, and they're just very well-worn. I know I have to throw them out, but I just love them so much. Ever since I started realizing I was going to have to get rid of them eventually, I've been looking for a good replacement pair - it's hard to find lounge pants that are long enough (unlike jeans, it's not as common for lounge pants to come more than one length) and feel as good. My parents got me a pair of long pants for Christmas, and I do like them quite a bit, but they're just not quite the same. Nothing else will be. Sigh. They're just pants. But I do love them so. I guess everything comes to an end, eventually.
Knit of the week: finished the test knit I was doing! I'm thinking I need to knit myself multiple in different colors since it's awesome and will keep me warm in cold over air conditioned office buildings.
Saturday, July 20, 2013
Seven Quick Takes: Pirate Scum Edition (aka, Late As Usual)
(If you don't get the title of this post, you should watch more Lord of the Rings. And even if you do, you should anyway, because Lord of the Rings is great.)
1. One of the days during my drive this week, I was flipping through the radio stations (why does every station go to commercial at the SAME TIME???), and was just scanning for any station my button would flip to. Eventually I was down in the lower numbers, which tend to mean classical and boring stations, and all of a sudden a Scottish voice was talking to me. I, of course, stopped, thinking 1) what a great accent, and 2) maybe it's a clip from Craig Ferguson last night since a lot of stations will play a funny joke from late-night. Well, it wasn't Craig Ferguson, and he was talking about the book of Ruth. Handsome Scottish voice giving a sermon on a great book of the Bible? Yes please. It was great. I caught a bit of his show the next day, too, but sadly drove out of range before it was over. I might just have to make that part of my morning commute routine. (Apparently he's Alastair Begg, which I found out by googling "scottish pastor christian radio." Sometimes I love google.)
2. This was a great article to read. It's about the Four Loves and making sure we have the correct hierarchy - hint: eros isn't at the top. "As we see how he loves us—as Lover, Father, Brother, and Friend—we learn how to better image him—as lovers, fathers, mothers, brothers, sisters, and friends. Likewise, the more we love him, the more his love begins to fuel our own. From him, we receive the supernatural grace to love as he loves." It's a message our culture really needs to hear, especially the culture that likes to see eros in every relationship (as she points out). Also reminded me of this article I read this week or last on the hypersexualization of everything.
Our culture needs a lot of work.
3. This article about introverts made me laugh because I may or may not identify. Thankfully we don't have teambuildy-type activities at my job, but we definitely don't have cubicles or any sort of separating apparati and I'm not a huge fan of our current set-up. But I also only have two more weeks there (and then I get to move on to a job where I'll be NEVER separated from other people, mostly. But it'll be different, I think. Though I'd be lying if I said that aspect wasn't even a bit of a concern for me...but annnnnyway). I think, though, that a lot of times people think I'm mad when I don't engage in their small talk. I just...don't. Sometimes I do. But sometimes it feels pointless, or I really have nothing to add so all I can say is "Oh." Oh well. That's just the way I operate sometimes. Some people operate on lots of small talk, and good for them. Just don't be annoyed when I don't jump in.
4. I discovered a new awesomeness to knitting: mobius knitting. Now, I've known about infinity scarves that purposely have a twist in them to make them mobi-etical, but typically you're supposed to try to avoid a twist during cast-on for those kinds of things (because, for instance, a mobius hat wouldn't really work...). But this is different than just adding a twist. On Sunday I volunteered to test knit a pattern for someone (test knitting! A thing! Pretty patterns for free, and my knitting actually feels useful!), and it requires doing a mobius cast-on and knitting like that for the first section. It's the coolest thing. Like I said, different than just adding a twist to a regular cast-on. Hard to describe a) to non-knitters, and b) without visual aids, but just take my word for it that it's awesome. Also further proof to my theory that part of the reason I love knitting so much is that it's so mathematical.
1. One of the days during my drive this week, I was flipping through the radio stations (why does every station go to commercial at the SAME TIME???), and was just scanning for any station my button would flip to. Eventually I was down in the lower numbers, which tend to mean classical and boring stations, and all of a sudden a Scottish voice was talking to me. I, of course, stopped, thinking 1) what a great accent, and 2) maybe it's a clip from Craig Ferguson last night since a lot of stations will play a funny joke from late-night. Well, it wasn't Craig Ferguson, and he was talking about the book of Ruth. Handsome Scottish voice giving a sermon on a great book of the Bible? Yes please. It was great. I caught a bit of his show the next day, too, but sadly drove out of range before it was over. I might just have to make that part of my morning commute routine. (Apparently he's Alastair Begg, which I found out by googling "scottish pastor christian radio." Sometimes I love google.)
2. This was a great article to read. It's about the Four Loves and making sure we have the correct hierarchy - hint: eros isn't at the top. "As we see how he loves us—as Lover, Father, Brother, and Friend—we learn how to better image him—as lovers, fathers, mothers, brothers, sisters, and friends. Likewise, the more we love him, the more his love begins to fuel our own. From him, we receive the supernatural grace to love as he loves." It's a message our culture really needs to hear, especially the culture that likes to see eros in every relationship (as she points out). Also reminded me of this article I read this week or last on the hypersexualization of everything.
Our culture needs a lot of work.
3. This article about introverts made me laugh because I may or may not identify. Thankfully we don't have teambuildy-type activities at my job, but we definitely don't have cubicles or any sort of separating apparati and I'm not a huge fan of our current set-up. But I also only have two more weeks there (and then I get to move on to a job where I'll be NEVER separated from other people, mostly. But it'll be different, I think. Though I'd be lying if I said that aspect wasn't even a bit of a concern for me...but annnnnyway). I think, though, that a lot of times people think I'm mad when I don't engage in their small talk. I just...don't. Sometimes I do. But sometimes it feels pointless, or I really have nothing to add so all I can say is "Oh." Oh well. That's just the way I operate sometimes. Some people operate on lots of small talk, and good for them. Just don't be annoyed when I don't jump in.
4. I discovered a new awesomeness to knitting: mobius knitting. Now, I've known about infinity scarves that purposely have a twist in them to make them mobi-etical, but typically you're supposed to try to avoid a twist during cast-on for those kinds of things (because, for instance, a mobius hat wouldn't really work...). But this is different than just adding a twist. On Sunday I volunteered to test knit a pattern for someone (test knitting! A thing! Pretty patterns for free, and my knitting actually feels useful!), and it requires doing a mobius cast-on and knitting like that for the first section. It's the coolest thing. Like I said, different than just adding a twist to a regular cast-on. Hard to describe a) to non-knitters, and b) without visual aids, but just take my word for it that it's awesome. Also further proof to my theory that part of the reason I love knitting so much is that it's so mathematical.
You can sort of see the mobiusness here - follow the left needle down counter-clockwise, and then the cable disappears behind the knitting and shows up again with the right needle. And unlike in regular knitting where doing one full round just adds one row, this one adds two between the two loops since the stitches are sort of split in half - half on the top part, half on the bottom. See? It's awesome!
5. I had to find a picture for them to put on the website for the school (where I'll be working. As a teacher. !). It was surprisingly difficult. I make weird faces in a lot of pictures I take of myself, and most people I know don't take many pictures. Plus I had to super-over-analyze every potential picture, and it was just stressful. Oh well. I've made my choice, and my choice is made, and now that picture will be there up on that website. (PS: I'm so excited to be a teacher.)
6. Know what happened this week? Everyone who wasn't already got engaged. Or announced they were pregnant. Or announced what brand of baby they're having. Seriously. Ok, obviously not literally, but three different friends/relatives/acquaintances found out and announced whether they're having a boy or a girl; three different friends told me they're pregnant (one due at the end of December, two due within two days of each other at the end of January), and engagements. Well, it seems like with the age I am, there's a new engagement every week. But there were several more this week/last week, it seemed. (And one that's kinda a big deal, since it's my brother. Hey-o!) It was just...weird. But good! Just a lot.
7. As for me, I'm just always and forever loving this song. Lots this week.
(Hey, you know what's cool? I don't have to get a new license! Because I don't have to move out of Colorado! And yay Colorado is so pretty! When it was looking like I might have to leave the state to get a job, the thought struck me that I'd have to get a new license in a new state, and that made me sad. And then I didn't! And I was reminded about it tonight so I'm newly excited about that lack of change, because God is good and found me a good job in a tiny town like I've always wanted, doing something I've wanted to do for years, and who knows what good things might come from this. Woot.)
Monday, July 15, 2013
Mama said there'll be days like this
I haven't been keeping up with writing so far this month, because I have too much to say but not enough, you know? You probably don't, since that doesn't make any sense. In any case, here I am.
I'm in the midst of upheaval right now, but not quite as bad as that word maybe sounds. It always has such negative connotations for me. But the chapter of my life in Denver is rapidly closing - I no longer live there, I just have to drive there every day (every. day.) for work, though thankfully just four times a week instead of five. This means 10 hour workdays plus three hours of commuting which equals a generally tired Susie, but having Fridays off this whole month is quite nice. I'm back living with my parents until I up and re-pack ALL THE THINGS and drive over to the western slope in less than a month, where I'll then have to unpack, set up a classroom (!), try to figure out what the heck I'm doing, and then, um, start teaching. No biggie, right?
Anyway. For the most part I'm doing ok with all the changes, and dealing with the end of things and the unknowns of the new things. For the most part I try to stay pretty even-keeled, which means my general mode of operation is at a slightly lower level, happiness-wise, than some people might be. That way the happy things affect me more and hopefully the less-than-happy things I'm able to absorb a bit better. (I think this also tends to mean that I seem a lot more unhappy in general than I actually am. I just don't have the happy, bubbly gene that some girls possess.) But once in a while - particularly one day each month - everything just builds up to the point that I find myself sobbing in the car on while driving the dogs to the dog run part of Palmer Park, as happened today. Almost inexplicably, but not, because there are things to be overwhelmed about, there are things to be sad about, there are things I can cry about and not really wonder where it's coming from. The amount is usually what gets me - it's a slightly disproportionate amount to the situation, generally, but knowing that I'm a woman and sometimes these things happen like this, I can just let it happen and get on with my life.
Like today. I was sad because my mom left for three weeks in Steubenville, where she's taking a class for her master's. She's so close to getting it, which is awesome! For the program, she has to do two on-campus classes, and the rest she's been doing correspondence. For quite a while. It's really impressive how well she's stuck with it, and I'm really proud of her. This is the second on-campus class she's done; the last was two years ago when I was back here for the summer after having graduated from my own master's program. It's kind of funny when you think about the timing - last time I was in a state of upheaval the whole summer because I couldn't find a job (I got one at the very end of July that year), and this summer I'm in the process of leaving that job. Anyway. It's a great thing she's doing, and it's not like I've never gone three weeks without seeing her - and me being here this month is only because I'm in between living situations, moving next month and all. But it's still sad just because I really like her, and I'm a mama's girl at heart, and it was great being here and getting to see her every day for the last two weeks. But really, that was just a bonus, so I can't complain. Plus, I still have my dad here, and I kinda like him too, and I have Nutmeg. So it's not at all bad. It's just one of those things.
The other thing is the fact that living back in the Springs, even just temporarily, reminds me how much I really do love it here. I love being so close to most of my family, I love the places I've known for so many years, and despite the weirdness of this city and the constant development expanding it in ways I don't like, my heart is still just so happy here. Even after I took the job in Montrose, every time I would see a job posting for something in Denver I would be sad for a millisecond that I had found and accepted another job elsewhere - before I remembered that getting a job in Denver would mean that I'd still have to live in Denver. And that made me feel all claustrophobic and trapped and generally unhappy, even thinking about a hypothetical that didn't even exist. The very thought of staying there, even doing exactly what I'm going to be doing, makes me feel...tired. Soul-weary. Done. So. I think it's safe to say my time in Denver is over and closed, barring some unforeseen future circumstance. But living in the Springs? I'd love to be able to do that again. Long-term. Except for the fact that I'm hoping to be out in Montrose for longer than a year, assuming things work out. (I'm heading into uncharted waters here, people. I have no idea what to expect.) And maybe I'll fall in love with the town. It'd be nice to find something that wins my heart over more than anything or anyone in the Springs ever has. Every time I've tried something new - and this is nowhere near the first time I've tried something new - nothing's hooked me. Nothing's managed to find a way for me to want to stay. Maybe it's partly my fault, but I'm really hoping I can give myself over to this and fall in love with it and finally have a place to settle down.
I'm so tired of moving. I've mentioned it before, but it's such a drain. Including college, this is the fourth time I've moved to a new place where I don't know anyone. I think it's becoming harder for me to form connections with people because my heart's just tired of it. I know that sounds awful, but when you live nearby to literally zero of your closest friends, it becomes harder to let yourself get close to anyone, because you don't want to reach the inevitable point where you (or they) move away and it becomes yet another long-distance friendship to maintain. It takes a lot. Friendships are hard when you can't see each other even once a year. Not impossible, obviously, since I still have close relationships with people I rarely see. But it's hard. Moving around so much, always by myself, always being the new person in a new place, completely unknown, completely new, completely sure that I have no idea what I'm doing, makes me feel very vulnerable and unprotected, and call me crazy but I don't like feeling that way. My heart feels rubbed raw, I feel frayed, I feel just so...weary of it all.
I know, in my heart of hearts, that this move is a good thing for me. And if it's not, it doesn't have to be forever. But it's so hard. All these feelings are suddenly rushing in on me, or maybe I'm just letting them in (once you let in one, they all find a way to flood in, it seems). I'm so tired of being unknown. It takes a while to understand me, to get to know me. Heck, sometimes my family doesn't even get me, and they've known me for, you know, years (approximately 27 and three quarters, even). I think it takes a lot of effort really to get to know me, and a lot of people are already set and don't necessarily need or care to put in the work to get to know me. I'll once again be in a place with no one who really cares what my favorite movie is, or color, or flower, or smell, or song. I'm just really not looking forward to that. But at the same time, I am really excited. It's still there. Well, maybe "really excited" is overstating it a bit. That feeling is there, though. When I think about what I'll be doing, and how long it's been in the back of my mind to pursue, and the fact that I'll be in a small town (which I think will be really good for me), I do still feel the peace that's been there. I know it's right. It's just hard. But who said the right thing is easy? The devil, probably. It's a good chance to work on myself, to grow myself, to stretch myself, maybe to become not so reluctant to open up to new people, to be able to trust people more easily than I currently do.
I know this is a good move for me. I do know that. I'm just having one of those days. It was inevitable, and it's not surprising. I am just surprised at the strength of this all. (Actually, maybe I shouldn't be so surprised - I went to confession on Saturday, so the devil's probably mad that I've cleaned my soul and is trying to find a way to make me muddy it up again. He does that, you know. And I so often fall for it.) The worst time for anything for me is the time leading up to an event. I used to be so upset the night before I would be going on a retreat or vacation or something, feeling sure that it would turn out awful and a waste of time, and I just didn't want to go. And, inevitably, I'd go and have a fabulous time. This is the "night before a retreat" feeling. Once I get there and get settled, I know I'll feel better. I hate the anticipation, and the uncertainty. That's all this is. It's just coming out in unexpected feelings. Lots and lots of feelings. Exacerbated by things like my 10 hour workdays + three hours of commuting per day + worrying about my car, and the amount of gas I'm going through, which is forcing me to learn stick shift in hopes I can drive my parents' car for the next few weeks, which gets much better gas mileage than my jeep, but I really really stink at stick + dealing with finalizing move-out stuff from the house we were renting (ugh, what a headache it all is) + other things. I'll be ok. I just need to let myself feel (and boy, have I let myself feel today - which is actually now Monday, though the bulk of this was yesterday. So...my one day of feeling has turned into at least a couple).
On the plus side, knitting. I finished a really, really pretty shawl last week and finally washed and blocked it this weekend. It's so lovely if I do say so myself.
It was so much fun to wear today. I love it. And now I started something new (because, obviously), ignoring the partially finished cardigan I've been working on off and on for a year now, and the blanket I've been working on for a year and a half, and the baby blanket I started a month or so ago. And I've recently discovered a wonderful new world - test knitting! People put out calls for other people to test knit their designs. Really the only benefit for me is that I can possibly knit a pretty pattern that I'd otherwise have to pay for, but sometimes I guess you can get some other things for it too. I signed up for my first test knit yesterday, and I'm pretty excited about it. (Though, it has a deadline, so that'll be interesting to work around my current schedule and upcoming impending move. I think it's more than doable, though, especially with three day weekends.)
Anyway, I've made this post far too long by not posting it last night as I should have. But it's cathartic to write it out, and I needed some catharsis after crying in my car for the second day in a row. (PS - it's hard to drive when you're sobbing. In case you were curious.)
It's really ok. It really is.
See? Ahhhh. Deep breath. I've been hiking deprived lately, which is probably part of my problem. I need to try to remedy that.
I'm in the midst of upheaval right now, but not quite as bad as that word maybe sounds. It always has such negative connotations for me. But the chapter of my life in Denver is rapidly closing - I no longer live there, I just have to drive there every day (every. day.) for work, though thankfully just four times a week instead of five. This means 10 hour workdays plus three hours of commuting which equals a generally tired Susie, but having Fridays off this whole month is quite nice. I'm back living with my parents until I up and re-pack ALL THE THINGS and drive over to the western slope in less than a month, where I'll then have to unpack, set up a classroom (!), try to figure out what the heck I'm doing, and then, um, start teaching. No biggie, right?
Anyway. For the most part I'm doing ok with all the changes, and dealing with the end of things and the unknowns of the new things. For the most part I try to stay pretty even-keeled, which means my general mode of operation is at a slightly lower level, happiness-wise, than some people might be. That way the happy things affect me more and hopefully the less-than-happy things I'm able to absorb a bit better. (I think this also tends to mean that I seem a lot more unhappy in general than I actually am. I just don't have the happy, bubbly gene that some girls possess.) But once in a while - particularly one day each month - everything just builds up to the point that I find myself sobbing in the car on while driving the dogs to the dog run part of Palmer Park, as happened today. Almost inexplicably, but not, because there are things to be overwhelmed about, there are things to be sad about, there are things I can cry about and not really wonder where it's coming from. The amount is usually what gets me - it's a slightly disproportionate amount to the situation, generally, but knowing that I'm a woman and sometimes these things happen like this, I can just let it happen and get on with my life.
Like today. I was sad because my mom left for three weeks in Steubenville, where she's taking a class for her master's. She's so close to getting it, which is awesome! For the program, she has to do two on-campus classes, and the rest she's been doing correspondence. For quite a while. It's really impressive how well she's stuck with it, and I'm really proud of her. This is the second on-campus class she's done; the last was two years ago when I was back here for the summer after having graduated from my own master's program. It's kind of funny when you think about the timing - last time I was in a state of upheaval the whole summer because I couldn't find a job (I got one at the very end of July that year), and this summer I'm in the process of leaving that job. Anyway. It's a great thing she's doing, and it's not like I've never gone three weeks without seeing her - and me being here this month is only because I'm in between living situations, moving next month and all. But it's still sad just because I really like her, and I'm a mama's girl at heart, and it was great being here and getting to see her every day for the last two weeks. But really, that was just a bonus, so I can't complain. Plus, I still have my dad here, and I kinda like him too, and I have Nutmeg. So it's not at all bad. It's just one of those things.
The other thing is the fact that living back in the Springs, even just temporarily, reminds me how much I really do love it here. I love being so close to most of my family, I love the places I've known for so many years, and despite the weirdness of this city and the constant development expanding it in ways I don't like, my heart is still just so happy here. Even after I took the job in Montrose, every time I would see a job posting for something in Denver I would be sad for a millisecond that I had found and accepted another job elsewhere - before I remembered that getting a job in Denver would mean that I'd still have to live in Denver. And that made me feel all claustrophobic and trapped and generally unhappy, even thinking about a hypothetical that didn't even exist. The very thought of staying there, even doing exactly what I'm going to be doing, makes me feel...tired. Soul-weary. Done. So. I think it's safe to say my time in Denver is over and closed, barring some unforeseen future circumstance. But living in the Springs? I'd love to be able to do that again. Long-term. Except for the fact that I'm hoping to be out in Montrose for longer than a year, assuming things work out. (I'm heading into uncharted waters here, people. I have no idea what to expect.) And maybe I'll fall in love with the town. It'd be nice to find something that wins my heart over more than anything or anyone in the Springs ever has. Every time I've tried something new - and this is nowhere near the first time I've tried something new - nothing's hooked me. Nothing's managed to find a way for me to want to stay. Maybe it's partly my fault, but I'm really hoping I can give myself over to this and fall in love with it and finally have a place to settle down.
I'm so tired of moving. I've mentioned it before, but it's such a drain. Including college, this is the fourth time I've moved to a new place where I don't know anyone. I think it's becoming harder for me to form connections with people because my heart's just tired of it. I know that sounds awful, but when you live nearby to literally zero of your closest friends, it becomes harder to let yourself get close to anyone, because you don't want to reach the inevitable point where you (or they) move away and it becomes yet another long-distance friendship to maintain. It takes a lot. Friendships are hard when you can't see each other even once a year. Not impossible, obviously, since I still have close relationships with people I rarely see. But it's hard. Moving around so much, always by myself, always being the new person in a new place, completely unknown, completely new, completely sure that I have no idea what I'm doing, makes me feel very vulnerable and unprotected, and call me crazy but I don't like feeling that way. My heart feels rubbed raw, I feel frayed, I feel just so...weary of it all.
I know, in my heart of hearts, that this move is a good thing for me. And if it's not, it doesn't have to be forever. But it's so hard. All these feelings are suddenly rushing in on me, or maybe I'm just letting them in (once you let in one, they all find a way to flood in, it seems). I'm so tired of being unknown. It takes a while to understand me, to get to know me. Heck, sometimes my family doesn't even get me, and they've known me for, you know, years (approximately 27 and three quarters, even). I think it takes a lot of effort really to get to know me, and a lot of people are already set and don't necessarily need or care to put in the work to get to know me. I'll once again be in a place with no one who really cares what my favorite movie is, or color, or flower, or smell, or song. I'm just really not looking forward to that. But at the same time, I am really excited. It's still there. Well, maybe "really excited" is overstating it a bit. That feeling is there, though. When I think about what I'll be doing, and how long it's been in the back of my mind to pursue, and the fact that I'll be in a small town (which I think will be really good for me), I do still feel the peace that's been there. I know it's right. It's just hard. But who said the right thing is easy? The devil, probably. It's a good chance to work on myself, to grow myself, to stretch myself, maybe to become not so reluctant to open up to new people, to be able to trust people more easily than I currently do.
I know this is a good move for me. I do know that. I'm just having one of those days. It was inevitable, and it's not surprising. I am just surprised at the strength of this all. (Actually, maybe I shouldn't be so surprised - I went to confession on Saturday, so the devil's probably mad that I've cleaned my soul and is trying to find a way to make me muddy it up again. He does that, you know. And I so often fall for it.) The worst time for anything for me is the time leading up to an event. I used to be so upset the night before I would be going on a retreat or vacation or something, feeling sure that it would turn out awful and a waste of time, and I just didn't want to go. And, inevitably, I'd go and have a fabulous time. This is the "night before a retreat" feeling. Once I get there and get settled, I know I'll feel better. I hate the anticipation, and the uncertainty. That's all this is. It's just coming out in unexpected feelings. Lots and lots of feelings. Exacerbated by things like my 10 hour workdays + three hours of commuting per day + worrying about my car, and the amount of gas I'm going through, which is forcing me to learn stick shift in hopes I can drive my parents' car for the next few weeks, which gets much better gas mileage than my jeep, but I really really stink at stick + dealing with finalizing move-out stuff from the house we were renting (ugh, what a headache it all is) + other things. I'll be ok. I just need to let myself feel (and boy, have I let myself feel today - which is actually now Monday, though the bulk of this was yesterday. So...my one day of feeling has turned into at least a couple).
On the plus side, knitting. I finished a really, really pretty shawl last week and finally washed and blocked it this weekend. It's so lovely if I do say so myself.
Anyway, I've made this post far too long by not posting it last night as I should have. But it's cathartic to write it out, and I needed some catharsis after crying in my car for the second day in a row. (PS - it's hard to drive when you're sobbing. In case you were curious.)
It's really ok. It really is.
See? Ahhhh. Deep breath. I've been hiking deprived lately, which is probably part of my problem. I need to try to remedy that.
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