Vulnerable, ignored, forgotten.

I just read here that either they have or they're close to creating human sperm and eggs in the laboratory.The article also brings up the idea of something that can help delay menopause so that women can delay having families even longer, as well as the possibility of creating eggs from male skin and sperm from female skin (I guess they used skin cells to help grow these sperm and eggs), which would potentially enable gay couples to have their own biological children.

All lovely, lovely prospects, no?

Babies should not be created in a laboratory. Sperm and eggs should definitely not be grown in a laboratory. Women shouldn't be pushing off families longer and longer - I just read an article the other day about how much higher the risk is for Down's Syndrome in babies of older mothers. And the rate of abortion for babies found to have Down's prior to birth is ridiculously high, so you do the math. These women wait and wait and wait (for what? Their career, I suppose, for timing to be perfect, for finances to be just right, to make sure they've done everything they wanted to do for themselves), and then finally decide, "Ok, I should probably get around to having that baby now that I'm in my 40s" and discover during the course of the pregnancy that the baby tests positive for what is quickly becoming an unacceptable abnormality that therefore must be killed. Anyway, sorry. Our society is just so screwy.

And yes, I understand that some people deal with infertility issues. And I understand that not all women who have babies in their 40s do so by choice, or choose to wait that long. But either way, keep it natural, people. IVF is wrong. It's wrong. And this? Growing human sperm and eggs? So wrong. I mean, our whole world is becoming artificial. The food we eat, our interaction with one another, clothes we wear, etc. It's all becoming this weird mass-produced ignore nature and natural resources culture. I wonder what people in 100 years are going to think of us. Maybe it'll be even worse by then, who knows. I think about that a lot, though - people didn't used to have the convenience of Target like we do today. People used to make their own clothes, make their own soap, grow their own food, make their own entertainment. I yearn for those days I'll never be able to experience. If I could, I would love to go live on a farm or ranch (in the mountains, of course), learn how to sew, maybe learn how to make my own yarn, have a nice garden, and be able to live more simply, naturally, off of what God gives us, without resorting to easy trips to the frozen food section, or "one stop shopping" at Target. I know that I have this romanticized, idealized version of that life in my head that's probably not very accurate, but sometimes I'm just so sick of our consumeristic culture - of which, I'll admit, I'm a part. I can't deny that. But I hate it.

And this is another symptom of consumerism. We want whatever we want and we want it now - even children, our own biological children, even if God has seen fit to make certain among us infertile, even though God creates a natural time limit on having children, even if we refuse to follow God's commandment that marriage is between one man and one woman and thus can't naturally have children ourselves because we're two men or two women but we still want our own children and biological children are a right and a commodity to be bought and created in the way we want, when we want, regardless of the fact that we're messing with God's plan, here, and that can't be good. And do people not find it off-putting to think that they're paying someone thousands upon thousands of dollars to create a child for them? They're buying these children. And it's so wrong. And we've seen countless examples of how it can go wrong - from the wrong embryo being implanted into a woman, to a mother who is far too old to be having children dying and leaving her IVF-created babies orphans, to a mother with fourteen young children all born through IVF, fatherless, without a source of income to sustain them. Etc. Etc. Etc.

I understand the longing to have a child, and the pain that must be felt when time and again it doesn't work out. I can understand being driven to try any means necessary. But this shouldn't be a means to begin with. For whatever reason, God doesn't allow some of us to become parents - at least not biologically, at least not on this earth. While it's natural to beg and plead and ask for a miracle, sometimes his answer is still no - and that sucks. But his no doesn't mean "Now go try those other, unnatural ways to get pregnant because obviously I need a little bit of help with this one." In Vitro is so wrong. It separates the act of life from the very means in which it should be created. I get such a weird feeling whenever I think about it, actually. I can't quite put my finger on it, but it's very unsettling. Not to mention the fact that there are tens of thousands - if not hundreds of thousands - of frozen embryos sitting in IVF clinics in the United States right now. Lives. Human beings. Regarded as nothing more than medical matter - certainly not given the dignity due every human life. I heard from one of the 2nd years here that in one class they discussed the fact that there is a shockingly low number of frozen embryos in Germany (and Italy) because they don't allow many to be frozen. (Apparently the teacher said something to the effect of, "Hm, it's like there's something in Germany's past that's made them more aware of the dignity of human life...") So I just did a quick google search about that, and came up with this article that mentions that they only allow up to three embryos to be created per cycle, and that all three must be implanted. This article then goes on to say that this is a bad thing because Germany has a higher rate of "selective reduction" in these pregnancies. Obviously, this is a problem too. (The article says that they should allow frozen embryos because, and I quote, "It is far worse to kill embryos after they have implanted in a woman's womb, than it is to take embryos before implantation, when they are no more a collection of cells, freeze any surplus embryos and transfer no more than one or two embryos at one time." And therein lies a huge problem in this whole industry. In our culture, really. Yes, obviously killing a baby in the womb is a travesty, and it's nice that they acknowledge that. But to say that embryos prior to implantation are worth less than those that have been implanted? It's missing the point. Those embryos are of no less worth than a baby in the womb. Than you or I, even. But to this industry, they're commodities. What is it about implantation that immediately makes them worthy of more dignity? (Not a whole lot more dignity, of course, because we still want the right to kill them.)

And then there are these discussions of what to do with all these frozen embryos that are created day after day after day. It seems like there are no good options for those of us who care about the morality of this issue, who care about the dignity of these utterly forgotten human beings.

Sometimes, I can't believe that we're even at a place where these discussions are necessary. Sometimes I think about it and am just struck by the absurdity that our culture has deigned to make ourselves creators in this way. That our culture thinks nothing of these poor utterly defenseless, entirely vulnerable children, most of whom will never even get a chance. There's no one to speak for them, and those who do are routinely ignored. It's a huge issue, and most people dismiss it with a wave of the hand. I mean, just stop for a second. Stop, and think about the fact that there are hundreds of thousands (from what I can tell, upwards of 400,000) of people - people - who are stuck frozen in labs all across the country. Just think about that. If necessary, put it in terms of "real people". A whole city's population worth of people who are unable to do anything for themselves and are at the mercy of those freezers, at the mercy of those who created them, at the mercy of their parents who could choose to donate them to research (ie donating a live human being to be a live cadaver, essentially) or just to throw them out, or maybe in a handful of years decide to try to get pregnant again. These are live human beings we're talking about. No one wants to think about them, or speak for them. They're created and abandoned. And now here we are, one step further, trying to figure out a way to create life without even natural sperm and egg. All we need is to figure out how to create an artificial womb, and parents won't even be necessary.

We've pushed aside God and want to find a way to be our own creators of everything, from food right down to the very foundation of life, apparently. But the joke is on us - God is in everything. He's impossible to get rid of. Maybe some day people will start to realize that and will let him be in control again.

All right. I'll get off my soapbox now. I know no one wants to hear me being judgmental and preachy (and probably semi-hypocritical), anyway.

I'm blue

I've been noticing a lot lately how monochromatic I am with a lot of my things. I was standing in the student lounge today in our building, and realized that everything I had on me was blue. Except my shoes, I guess, which were offwhite. But I was wearing this long blue sundress (which I got at Target the other day for like $6, amazing deal, and even though I can't really wear it specifically for its intended purpose, it's good with a shirt underneath it and something else over top of it. At the very least, it's a great long skirt. And has pockets!), with a navy blue sweater over top of it (and white shirt underneath, which was visible, so I guess that's something not blue), and I had my blue ND fleece on, and my purse is blue, and my bag is blue. The purse, bag, and dress are all patterned, though, so it's not just all these shades of solid blue, at least...haha. Oh, and the stones in the two rings I wear are also blue. (Blue stones are the best, after all - at least, when they're sapphire. Which only one is. But the other one could be.) But then I realized, so much I own is blue. My umbrella (which I also had today) is blue, my exercise ball (aka desk "chair") is blue, my sheets are blue, my blanket and comforter are also blue, the afghan over my comforter that my memere made me my freshman year of college is blue, and the ND blanket I have folded on my bed is blue. And I currently have a large knitting project on my bed which is also blue.

I have a fair number of blue shirts. Some blue (lounging) pants. Obviously a couple pairs of jeans, which are also blue. Only one blue skirt, though. Another blue dress (well, white with some blue flowers). Yeah. A lot of blue. I wonder what that's about. It's not even my favorite color. And the really crazy thing is, I have zero earrings that are blue. ZERO. I think I need to rectify that someday. Some nice dangly earrings with blue stones.

(HINT.)

Ah, if only I had a boyfriend to buy me jewelry. Oh well.

I wonder if it says something about me that everything I own is blue. I wonder if it affects me in some inherent, ontological way. Hm.

(Maybe I just like it because I look good in blue.)


On another note, I think I may be a bit more extroverted than I've thought. Lately I've noticed my mood more improved when I'm around other people (although, true, it does depend on the people and the number and the quality). I mean extroverted in the sense that maybe I get more energy than I thought from being around people. But I think it's pretty limited to people that I know and am comfortable with. I definitely don't get energy from being around lots of random people or even acquaintances (like, say, at a large party or something). Anyway. Still an introvert in most senses, though, that much I know.

Also, I have a theory that a year from now practically everyone I know will be: in a (possibly but not necessarily serious) relationship/engaged/married. Except for me, of course. I just seems that things are heading that way for most people I know. And if not at the moment, I wouldn't be surprised if it were soon.

Sorry, don't know why I threw that in there.

This is the point at which I need to stop writing before...yeah. Yeah.

For my nephews

Last weekend, as I mentioned, I went down to a farm/orchard with some friends. They had some animals there, including these guys:

And these guys:

 

(a little hard to see, but there are two up on that thing)

And, of course, these:

And that's not all. (I hope you can hear them here.)

and

They were fun. And look at this face!

Quality, right there.

Snow way

Ok, while things are maybe getting marginally better here (a very little bit), I still HATE the fact that I'm missing what will likely be one of the wettest/snowiest winters in Colorado in a long time. I mean, it's still only October, and they've had snow and very cold days probably at least three or four times already. And it's snowing today, and there's more snow (and a sub-30 degree) day forecasted later this week. And here I am in DC, perpetually 60s, some rainy days thrown in there, some days a little colder some a little warmer. But mostly nothing good. And everyone keeps saying "Oh it's such a gorgeous day today!" and I can only agree because I know, objectively, it's supposedly good weather. For most normal people, anyway. For this girl? Not so much. Oh well. Maybe someday we'll have a good winter again when I'm back home. It's entirely possible, right?

Siiiiiiiiiiigh. Why does this program have to be in DC? It would be so much better and so much easier and I'd be having such a better time if it were in, say, Denver. Seriously. That would be so wonderful. Why does God keep calling me away from the one place that makes me feel happiest and healthiest, spiritually, emotionally, physically? I'm sure there some deep meaning for it or something. But I dislike it intensely. Just like I like DC and its stupid non-winters intensely. Whatever.

You happy now?

So, my blog's not cheery enough, eh?

Fine then. I'll post about the wonderfulness that was today.

(Even though the things from last night still exist. But whatever.)

I got a good night's sleep. Don't think I woke up at all between falling asleep and waking up for the day. Also, I have determined for a fact over the past couple of months that I don't move AT ALL when I'm asleep. I can fall asleep lying on my right side, and wake up hours later still in that same position. It's actually kind of weird. (If I do wake up at some point during the night, even barely, I usually flip over. But anyway.)

I ate some breakfast. Yay.

I went to work(!). The first money I've earned in three - three! - months. I mean, it's probably going to be, like, $20 if that, especially after taxes, but still. It was my training, so now I'm trained (which really took about five minutes since it's nothing revolutionary), and hopefully I'll get more and regular hours. Either way, though, at least it's something, and I feel a little less like a leech and a little tiny bit more like a contributing member of society. A little bit.

I got off in time to go to my friend's house where I go to watch ND games (he's a fellow ND grad) and caught most of the second quarter, I think (we scored on a fake punt right as my friend and I walked in the door, which was awesome, but then - argh! - it got called back for some stupid holding call that was barely even legit. Frustrating. The game looked like it could be another heartbreaker, but we managed to look really pretty good toward the end - with the exception of the fact that our offense managed to score ZERO points out of two turnovers in a row, but whatever. We finally beat BC, which hasn't happened since like six games ago, or something. (Six in the ND-BC series, that is. We don't play them every year, thankfully. They're annoying. Also, BC sucks - the day I got my acceptance into ND from early admission, December 19th I believe, or thereabouts, I got a letter from BC telling me I hadn't been accepted early admission but they were putting me into their regular admission pool. I did end up getting in there, but by then it was like, dude, I got into Notre Dame. You guys are not Notre Dame. So yeah. Funny how that happened.)

It was a fun game, and I got to watch with some fun people. AND I got a lot of knitting done while watching. That's right, I knit while I watch football. Love it.

Oh, and I saw an episode of The Simpsons after the game, and that made me happy because I hadn't seen a second of that show since before I left, and I really miss it. I mean, it was a newer episode, so it sucked, but still. It was nice to watch it. Sometimes I really miss having a TV. Some things just remind me of home, and it'd be nice to have access to that. Oh well.

I almost didn't, but I decided to go to this swing dancing thing that my roommate organized for the JPII students and other Catholic young adults in the area. It was free, in the building where we have all our classes, and one of her friends is really good at swing so he gave us free lessons. I was like an hour late (due in part to the ND game), but it was fun. And there were actually almost as many guys as girls (apparently earlier in the night there were more guys than girls which is, like, crazy! We're so not used to that at the JPII Institute. Haha). But, even though I'm not very good, it was lots of fun! And it's really nice when the guy is really good, because he leads and then I just have to follow. And also it was nice that most of the guys there were at least not too short. I'm sorry, I'm tall, and it's awkward to be dancing with someone who's shorter than I am. It just is. But anyway. It was fun! I've now added "good dancing skills" to my list of requirements. (Which means I'm never going to find anyone who fits my requirements. Haha.)

Also, thanks to starting up running again this past week, I think I want to shoot for running a 10k. Maybe in the summer. (I'm hoping that I'll really start getting into running between now and then to the point where I'm kind of addicted to it, otherwise I could start training now and then I'd lose interest or just stop after a certain point and then be back to out of shape by the time summer comes along.) Anyway. I think it's a pretty good goal to work towards. It's not a crazy marathon or anything, but it's more challenging than a 5k (not that I'm at all in shape for a 5k, but I guess I figure I've done one of those already. And then another for the triathlon, but really, I practically walked that whole thing which was pretty pathetic. Someday maybe I'll do another triathlon and actually work at it and train for it and do better). Plus, I think I need a goal to make myself keep up the running. I really want to keep up the running. I went again yesterday, and surprised myself by how far I could go without stopping. Of course, I don't think I'd want to tell anyone how long I can go without stopping because it's not impressive at. all., but that's ok. Gotta start somewhere, right?

Yeah.

Oh, also, I got to see lots of pretty shots of campus during the game today, and it looked absolutely gorgeous! Made me miss it a lot. I forget how beautiful the fall is there. Ah, so wonderful. (But it's weird, the way I miss ND is a lot different than the way I miss Colorado. I miss ND, but don't know that I'll be going back any time soon. So much about what I loved about it was being a student there. If I go back now, I'm always just a visitor. I don't live on campus, heck, I don't even know any students anymore. And it's different. So I guess I'm just nostalgic for those good ol' days all those years ago (haha). Colorado is just straight up missing, it's my home, can't wait to be back. But I still love both.)

And, um, Michael Buble.

That is all.

(Oh, I lied: side note - why do I not know any Catholic prayers? Like the Memorare. I've prayed it a lot. I'm pretty sure it's on my blog's sidebar. I have a holy card of it. But definitely don't have it memorized. But then, to be completely honest, I didn't even have the Act of Contrition really memorized until, oh, about a year, year and a half ago. Yeah. I barely have all of the mysteries of the Rosary memorized, and am still iffy on a few, and that's only happened in the last month. I don't know the Angelus. At all. I was never really exposed to it until this year. They pray it at daily Mass at the Shrine before the noon-10 Mass, but it's printed out on this weekly handout they keep in the pews with psalms and song numbers for each day's Mass, and apparently the translation they use for the last part is a little wonky. We also pray it before my Thursday afternoon class (the one I wrote about the other day, that I'm finding myself excited about these days). Lots of people seem to have it memorized. Me? NOT AT ALL. Luckily a lot of it is easy stuff and incorporates other prayers I know, but the last part of it, I just mumble and pretend I know what I'm saying. I should really memorize it. And the Memorare, because I love the Memorare. And probably the Magnificat, because that seems like another one of those prayers I should have memorized. I wonder what other prayers I should have memorized that I definitely don't...Prayer to St. Michael, probably, is one. Hm. Maybe that'll be a goal of mine. New prayer every week. Maybe every month. Or every other week. Really, probably wouldnt' take me that long to memorize if I sat down and just made myself do it, like I did with the Act of Contrition or the mysteries of the Rosary. Anyway. NOW I'm done.)

Trying trying trying

Trying to keep my spirits up. There are several things right now pressing down on me trying to make me crumble, and I'm so tempted to give up and give in, but it wouldn't accomplish anything.

On the bright side of things, I'm finally going to earn some money tomorrow for the first time in three months. That's good. Won't be much, but anything is better than nothing. By far.

Gah. I really want to talk about what's bringing me down right now, but I use this blog to vent a lot, and maybe I shouldn't so much. (Of course, the reason I do that, to an extent, is because I really try to keep the person-to-person complaining down. I fail at that, but I know I must get pretty boring to talk to and no one probably wants to talk to me ever anymore because of it.) Sometimes I just really need to get things out.

Maybe I'll just go sit in a corner and cry. Or on my bed. That'd probably be more comfortable.

God's in charge of this, right? He's got a plan, a reason for it all.

...right?

Forgiveness.

A priest gave this to me today at confession. I almost cried when I read it.

Gracious God: while I stray from you, you stay faithful to me.
While I rage angrily, you speak tenderly.
While I am falling from grace, you are already lifting me up.
While I am prejudiced and bigoted, you are fair and compassionate.
While I fear the insecurity of change and growth, you draw close to be my strength.
While I mock and ridicule others, you whisper the truth.
While I deny responsibility for my behavior and attitude, you challenge my conscience.
While I refuse to forgive, you do so generously, giving me all the while the courage to forgive myself.
While I am less than I had hoped to be, your forgiveness is more than I expect.
Lord, forgive me.
Especially, forgive me for not letting you be who you are: My Gracious and Forgiving Companion.


Beautiful.

Confession.

I'm a little reluctant to share this with you all, but oh well. My blog, my life, so might as well, right?

I've realized lately that...get ready for it...I actually look forward to and enjoy one of my classes.

I know, what's happening here?

That's not the weirdest part, though. The weird part is the class that I enjoy. It's Being as Gift: Philosophical Foundations. The class that all the second years warned about at the beginning. The class that tends to leave people's brains hurting by the end. The class most people just get through without really understanding (because, really, it's hard to understand most of the concepts in a general sense). The class that frustrated me at first because it was just all these weird concepts that my brain couldn't grasp, questions I didn't understand why people ask in the first place, very confusing stuff.

And yet, here we are, halfway through the semester, and it's the only class I really look forward to. The only class that holds my attention the whole time. Oh, that's not true - Theology of Mary is pretty easy, and does hold my attention, and is interesting. But I think that's a given for everyone. It's like our cool-down class of the week, since it's Fridays. But my other classes? I just end up not paying attention, or struggling to stay awake, or just completely lost because the prof is off on some tangent that I'm absolutely not following. And it's weird, because logically I should be completely lost in this class. We're doing metaphysics type stuff right now. Studied some Aristotle for a few weeks, now we've been doing Aquinas the last few classes. And somehow it all makes sense, in some weird "how can this stuff ever make sense" kind of way. I mean, I'm still confused by a lot of it, and I don't always grasp everything he's saying in class (especially since he has a Spanish accent and sometimes I just don't even hear exactly what he says), but...I don't know. I get it. And it seems backwards that I get it, but whatever, I really find myself loving it. Very bizarre, but that's just the way it is.

Of course, we just turned in our third paper for that class yesterday, so I'll probably get it back with like a 5.5 or something (he grades them out of 10). Actually, I'm expecting a 7.5. I got a 9.5 on the first one, then 8.5, so that's just the logical progression. (I really hope I'm wrong on that, though...I'd really like to do better than a 7.5.)

Well. Here's to hoping this progression of actually enjoying one of my classes continues, because I'd like to continue enjoying that class. It was so refreshing to sit there today, having a great time listening to my prof talk about esse and essence and existence and substance and subsistence and God the creator and the role of the Trinity in creation and the real distinction and more. It was good.

(But don't ask me to explain it, because it's one of those things that I can grasp in my head but I'm not so good at articulating.)

Maybe I'll be more upbeat in 11 days

I got the day off unexpectedly today. Well, semi-unexpected. My professor was sick so he cancelled class, and while we didn't find out until this morning, he cancelled the class he teaches the second years on Tuesday nights yesterday, so I figured I had a good chance I wouldn't have to go in today. And lo an behold, I didn't. Yay.

Took advantage of the extra few hours home to do things like laundry, cleaning the bathroom, and - get this - I went for a run. I haven't gone running since August. I haven't gone anything since I've been here, other than the necessary walking to and from metros/cars/buildings. It felt good, and while I didn't last very long (although longer than I expected to), it's a start. I need to combat my seemingly expanding hips...and it'd be nice just to feel good about my body again. So yeah. If I get my lazy butt out of bed earlier in the day, there's no reason I can't fit in a quick 15 minute run every morning. Maybe not Tuesdays, because Tuesdays are long enough as it is, but yeah. Even just a few days a week will be a great improvement over nothing. And, hey, thanks to DC's lack of cold weather (80 here tomorrow. Cold and snowing in Colorado today/tomorrow), I don't really have to worry about bad weather for awhile. So anyway. That's the plan. I hope I can stick with it.

The other plan? I'm going to be in DC for the better part of two years. I don't like it, but that's just the way it is. And, truth be told, it's not that DC is so unbearably and supremely awful that the thought of two. whole. years here makes me want to curl up in a little ball and never get out of bed, it's that it just...is, and I'm here just being and trying to keep my head above water in these graduate level classes where most of the time I just feel like a fraud, an impostor for even being there in the first place (especially when my classmates ask questions of the professors that I don't even understand, and then the professor goes off on a 15 or 30 minute schpiel allegedly answering said classmate's question, and if the professor actually ever answers the question, I sure can't tell, but then I didn't even understand the question in the first place). And then my mind wanders to the safe, comfortable, happy life I had in Colorado, to the people I love there, to my mountains that I miss every day. It's not that DC is terrible. Well, in some ways, it is, and I don't know why anyone would ever in their right minds voluntarily live here if they didn't have to be here for some specified period of time like moi - and even then I question their sanity. But the fact is that Colorado is just so stinkin' wonderful that nothing else will ever hold a candle to it. Especially not a loud, dirty, crowded, big city like this. Especially since everyone I care about is thousands of miles away, and I have to hear about things much later than other people because I'm not around, and I can't go to any of the fun parties and get togethers and random Friday nights my friends have that I hear about (and those that I don't). Especially since I get to hug no dogs here.

Where was I going with this?

Oh yeah. I'm here for the long haul. I won't say I'm excited about it, or looking forward to the rest of these two years (except in the sense that I'm looking forward to being done...), but I'm here, because I have to be. Unless something changes and it's obvious that I shouldn't be here anymore. But the key for me is not to think about that two year mark, because it just makes it feel so far away. My heart aches at the thought of being away for so long. So I just have to think instead about the next time I get to go home, and whatever else I get to do in the meantime with the people I'm getting to know here.

Like last weekend, we celebrated one of my roommate's birthdays. (Roommates' birthdays? Roommate's birthday? Roommates' birthday? Cathy R, I need your editing prowess. It's times like these that I really appreciate the Latin grammatical structure.) She wanted to go pumpkin picking and have a very fall-themed party at our house afterward. So a bunch of us headed to some orchard about twenty minutes away, and some of us got pumpkins. And then we walked around this beautiful farm, and thought about how nice it was there, so clearly not city. Apparently this farm has a fall festival thing that was closed by this past weekend, but all the stuff for it was still up, and it was just there on the farm, so we took advantage of the fact that no one was there, and we acted like a bunch of five year olds. We went through a corn maze (some people in the group using corn that was still on the stalks, but obviously not good, as weapons against some of the others in the group...and the rest of us tried not to get caught in the crosshairs), some of us went down this big slide on burlap sacks, we played around in a half-barn that was just full of hay, specifically for playing in - the ground was lower than we expected when we first got in, because it looks like it's level with the rest of the ground, just with some hay thrown on there. But it wasn't, because there were also bales of hay stacked that were perfect to jump off of into the hay. It was glorious. We did this weird duck race thing, and pet some sheep, and saw some pigs, and went through a hay maze that was clearly made for people a bit smaller than ourselves, and we took our picture in those weird whatchamacallits that have holes where the characters' faces should be, for people to put their own faces in the picture. I sat in a big green tractor. It was just a fantastic time, and so very refreshing to be outside of the city, away from crowds of people and city noise.

Then we came back home and matured enough to play Mafia with some of the many more people who weren't able to come to the pumpkin picking earlier in the day, but who brought fall-themed deliciousness like pumpkin beer (well, objectively delicious, since most people seem to like it but I never like beer), pumpkin cake, pumpkin bars, apple pie, pumpkin pie (I think), pumpkin rum cake, etc. Oh! And mulled wine! Which, I've discovered, I very very much enjoy.

And on Halloween, while all my friends back home will be at my friend's annual Halloween party and I'll be missing out and bummed that I'm not there, I'll instead go with some new friends here to the Dominican House's All Saints Day Vigil, including readings, night prayer, reliquary procession, and the Litany of the Saints. I've heard that it's pretty crowded, but very worth going to, so I'm looking forward to that - especially since the only other option that seemed at all desirable was to stay home and watch Harry Potter by myself. (Two of my roommates are going to be out of town that weekend, and the third was thinking about it, but now she's probably not - but I think she had other plans that don't sound very appealing to me.)

Aaaaanywho. Point is...I don't know. Point is, in exactly five weeks from today, God willing I'll be sleeping in my own bed back in good old Colorado. And that's a good thing.

And in just about 11 days (not counting tomorrow - Thursday), I will get to drink that sweet sweet nectar of the gods, Coffee, again. 11 days. Mmm it will be epic. And by epic, I mean delicious, and wonderful, and oh so so good.

And I'm close to finishing two more blankets. Also good. Although finishing a blanket isn't quite as fun as working on it up to that point. But it's nice to have a finished product, not attached to needles.

That is all.

Midterm day

I have a midterm due tonight at midnight. So, naturally, I'm going to keep a running post of those random thoughts that come into my head, in the hopes that maybe writing them will make them go away so I have more room in my head for whatever it is I need to finish writing this paper. (Well, two 5-6 page essays.) It's been awhile since I've needed to do this. Ah, the joys of not having schoolwork to do when one only works.

I just realized that I was destined to fall in love with 14ers. My birthday is the 14th, and I've always adopted it (I think for that reason) as my favorite number. And it fits! I love 14ers so, so much, and would like to climb many. Many many. Not the crazy ones, but the easier ones. Maybe someday a few tougher ones, but probably not. Ok, so maybe "destined" isn't the right word, but it fits that I would have such an affinity for those mountains that get the special moniker of Fourteener. Because I'm a fourteener! haha.

**************

"I might have to wait,
I'll never give up.
I guess it's half timing
And the other half's luck.
Wherever you are,
Whenever it's right
You'll come out of nowhere
And into my life."

I love that song. I love Michael Buble. Yay. My three favorites from his new album (which I have not yet bought, but which I can listen to on grooveshark.com - I am still planning on buying it, though, don't worry) are Crazy Love, Haven't Met You Yet, and Hold On. I guess there's a special edition version of the CD coming out in November, which includes a DVD and one extra song, and that extra song is included in the album on grooveshark. It's Some Kind of Wonderful, which I also enjoy a lot. I mean, I like all the songs, but those are my favorites. And I've listened to them a lot in the past few days.

**************

Thankfully, other than finals time (which I'm sure is going to be supremely awful), this weekend/today/tomorrow is the worst part of the semester, I think. I have this midterm due at midnight, and tomorrow night I'm going to have to write another 600 word paper for my philosophy class which is due late Wednesday morning. Not terrible, but it'll be nice to be done with both. After those assignments, other than reading and finals I'll have two more 600 word papers for philo before the end of the semester, and I still have five one-page single spaced essays to write for my theological anthropology class. We had to do six throughout the semester, and for various reasons (including three weekends being taken up by weddings and/or traveling) I've only done one so far. I was going to do one for tomorrow, but that's not going to happen. After this one, there are five more options left, so I suppose I'll just have to do all of them. Eh, whatever. As long as I do the required number, that's what matters, right? Yeah.

**************

Sometimes, I wonder if some of the stuff that's been going on is God's way of telling me to leave, or Satan's way of trying to chase me away. I'm more inclined to think the latter, but yeah. How am I supposed to know? I mean, I'm sure it's obvious. But whatever.

**************

I discovered today that apples taste so much better when sliced than just eating it off the core. Why that is, I don't know. But it is true.

**************

I woke up this morning suspecting that I had pink eye, thanks to the crusty feeling around my left eye (the one that always seems to get afflicted with this kind of thing), and also because it just felt weird and off and a little bit puffy. A look in the mirror a little while later confirmed, unfortunately. It's very unfortunate because I have no good way to get a prescription for it. If it's not better tomorrow I'm going to try finding an urgent care around here, since I already tried going through my doctor back home and getting them to call in a prescription to a pharmacy here. They said that they had to see me to give me a prescription, which I think is complete crap because it's a freaking eye drop prescription. It's not some addictive/potentially harmful medication. It's not like I'm lying about pink eye intending to sell this on the black market, or anything. Argh. Frustrating. And obviously I don't have a doctor around here to go to, either. So, whatever. I've had this before. I can deal. I'm just not going to be terribly happy about it. At the same time, I wonder if it's actually bacterial, because I have no idea where I would have gotten it. It might just be viral. Given my propensity to get pink eye ever since I got it the first time four years ago, I've wondered if it's just one of the ways my colds present themselves. I mean, I don't get pink eye every time I get a cold, but I don't get colds very often, so maybe I get viral pink eye once in awhile in lieu of an actual cold. Or something. Hard to say. I'm just making stuff up to try to make myself feel better.

I will say, though, that this time around it seems very mild. But then, it could get worse tomorrow. I think the first time I had it, it was definitely worse the second day. Eh. Whatever. If I need to, I'll find an urgent care tomorrow or Wednesday. Whatever.

**************

So, I just turned in my paper (emailed it), and then was looking over it again and realized it was on the wrong font size. Argh. For some reason, my Word defaults to some random font and size 11. Not really that noticeably different from 12, but yeah. I don't know how to change it. (Actually, that's not entirely accurate: I haven't even tried to find out how to change it.) I always remember to change the font when I open a new document, but I never think to look at the font size for some reason. Had it been the correct size, I wouldn't have had to write as much. And then I realized that my intro for the second essay is terrible, since it took me awhile to figure out what exactly I was answering...sigh. Oh well. I already turned it in, and...whatever. Good enough, I hope, especially considering how...off and weird I've felt all day. Not to mention distressed and distracted by my stupid eye and lack of doctor. Among a few other things. I really hope I'm not getting sick. I feel like I'm just postponing the inevitable, every day that passes that I don't have the flu.

I really hope my teacher is generous. Sigh. Well, at least I'm not really in this for the grades...but I think I need to maintain a certain GPA or something if I want to keep my scholarship, so that's kind of important. Hm. Well, oh well. Whatever. It's done.

**************



I can't stop watching it. I don't know why. Do I expect it to change, or something? It's just crazy. haha. Maybe it's that it seems more logical that he'll get hit, and my brain keeps waiting for that. Or my brain is frustrated by the fact that I can't see the corner the guy runs onto, so I can't see what happens after he's off-camera. Hm.

**************

Heh heh, I just went to check the weather forecast for tomorrow, and looking at the 10 day forecast, I saw that tomorrow's high is 68, and the next day is 44 with chance of rain/snow. And I was like, what is this, Colorado? And then I realized that, yes, it is Colorado Springs's forecast. I have it bookmarked and had just clicked on that, from where I normally type in my zip code. It'd be smarter to change the bookmark to here, but whatever. (For the record, the high here tomorrow is 69, and the next day is 72. And no crazy jumps in temperature in sight. Much more what I'd expect from DC. Bleh. This weekend kinda sucked with its stupid mixture of cold temperatures and rain, but at the same time, I'm not too excited about 60s and 70s either. But DC is really in a no-win situation. I won't like it no matter what weather it throws at me.)


I guess this is sufficiently long enough now. And I'm done the midterm, so the alleged purpose of this post is no longer necessary.

Things that don't fail to uplift my spirits

...even after a rather very disappointing loss to USC.

-My tea. I have wonderful flavors: Vanilla Caramel (from Bigelow, mmm), of course the Vanilla Chai I always talk about, this new brand I bought last week that's Chai Spice Black Tea and is quite delicious, and yesterday I tried one of the samples Bigelow sent me, it was a green tea from their chai line, and it was very good. I'll probably pick up a box next time I'm somewhere that sells Bigelow. And I still have a few bags of this wild huckleberry tea I got up in Rocky Mountain National Park this summer, which is also good. I'm a big fan of tea, and have been drinking ridiculous amounts lately.

-Yummy-smelling candles. I bought one today (on sale! pretty cheap!) that's called Creamy Nutmeg, so of course I had to get it when I saw it. It makes my room smell so nice. :-)

-Knitting. Close to finishing two more blankets (one of a smaller, baby-sized variety, one that's regular person sized), started a new one (just because I didn't feel like lugging around either of the other two today). Knitting is simply wonderful.

-Michael Buble. His voice is just wonderful. Mmm. And to think, when I first came across him, I only thought he was ok - but that too many of his songs were too fast-paced. And now he's pretty much my favorite singer. In the last year, I've definitely listened to him the most and the most consistently than any other of my favorite singers. (Of course, probably helps that I actually have hard copies of his CDs, unlike some of my other favorites.)

-Christmas music. Not that I'm listening to it yet, but it's getting close! Less than six weeks until I'll be breaking out the Christmas music, Christmas earrings, Christmas-themed clothes, and whatever few Christmas decorations I might have. :-) Can't wait!

-Pictures of my nephews. (And my Nutmeg, but I don't get a lot of those out here...)

Really, I'm just a big stubborn baby, is what it comes down to

First, three quotes I happened to come across yesterday:

"I distrust people who know so well what God wants them to do, because it usually coincides with their own desires." - Susan B. Anthony.

"I hated every minute of training, but I said to myself, 'Don't quit. Suffer now and live the rest of your life as a champion.'" - Muhammad Ali.

"Far better it is to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs, even though checkered by failure, than to rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy much nor suffer much, because they live in that grey twilight that knows neither victory nor defeat." - Teddy Roosevelt.

(The last one isn't so applicable to things, because I'm not really aimed toward anything mighty or glorious/triumphal here. But it still sort of fits. And the Ali one would make more sense if I actually had some sort of goal, or even just a strong desire, for this degree. It's never been about the degree, it's been about learning more about marriage and family - which unfortunately I'm not getting a lot of yet at this point...)

So, I've been doing a lot of thinking lately about my current situation. I've come to a few conclusions about a few things including: I struggle a lot with pride issues, I buy myself things I want when I want them regardless of the fact that I'm poor and penniless (not exactly, but only because of borrowed money. And great parents) - spoiled - but I think part of the reason that I do it is because there's so much in my life that I can't just go get no matter how much I want it. So if there's something there that I want and can get with the click of a button, or the swipe of a card, I do it. I guess it's sort of akin to people who have eating disorders just to have some semblance of control over some part of their lives. I mean, that's not to say that this is as bad as an eating disorder, or not to downplay those, or anything like that. But yeah. So there's that. Also, I've come to the unhappy conclusion that maybe God wants me here for these two years very much against my will because I need to be purged, or whatever. (I also think a lot of the times that automatically if I want something, that means it's not God's will. Not sure if that's true or if that's something else I have to work out.) Ok, that wasn't the best phrasing. But I know I have a lot of faults. A lot of faults. Pride. Selfishness. Mistrust. Fear. Slothfulness. Judging. To name a very few. And I just don't want to work on them. These faults play very much into my desire to get out of this place, go home where at least I can be with family and friends I love, in a place I love. Where I'm not forced to stretch or grow.

I hate being here. (I don't hate the people I've met here, in case that's in question - I have great roommates and classmates.) I'm frustrated that God brought me here (or, if somehow this wasn't his will, let it be so that it seemed very much like this was his will), and that there's not an easy way to back out and go back home, and that it looks like I'm going to have to stick this out for the whole stupid two years. And I'm further frustrated that it seems very unlikely that, once I do finish, I'm still not going to have the only thing I've been longing for for so long (and we all know what that is, I think). Basically, I'm frustrated at God for not giving me what I want. And I can try to rationalize it all I want (doesn't God want us all to be happy, in the end? Shouldn't he let me have what will make me happy?), but the fact is that I keep praying for God to fulfill will, because I just don't want to consent to his will if it means I'm not going to get what I want. I have no idea how the heck to do it, but I know that I have to reorder myself so that I'm fully open and fully accepting of God's will. Seriously, I don't know how to do that. Just like I don't know how to make myself find joy in this deplorable place, our nation's capitol, which seems to suck all the happiness from me at every turn (even to the point where I don't even enjoy cold and/or rainy days, like this whole weekend is. Bleh). People keep telling me to find my own joy here, or something like that, and while I know they're right, I also think they don't really know how difficult it is for me. But there's that pride thing coming up again. Not to mention the laziness. I don't want to find happiness here. I don't think I really can truly find happiness here. I don't want to look for it, either. I mean, when you've lived in Colorado, it's hard to be satisfied by anything else. For me, anyway. When I give my heart to something, I don't mess around - I don't like to let something else come even close. And unfortunately for me I gave my heart to Colorado more fully and completely than ever this past summer. And DC comes up short at every turn. And here I go again trying to justify my lack of desire to make myself find joy here. I still bristle at the very idea, because I honestly see no bright sides to living here. Ever. At all. For a month, for a year, especially for two years. Not for me. It's hard for me to get past that and try to find things to like, because in my mind, what's there to like? People tell me I should just make myself like it, but I can't just talk myself into this. And then there's also a little bit of the fact that I'm pretty sure, even if I wanted to, I just don't want to like DC. I don't want to get attached to another place, get too attached to more and more people, that I'm inevitably going to be leaving again anyway. I've had to say goodbye to too many things, and I don't want to have to be sad about leaving another place. (And I also don't want to get too attached that I don't want to go back to Colorado. Not that I think there's any danger of that. I need Colorado. I know that for a fact.)

I think I'm getting off track here a little bit. Alls I'm saying is, well, I'm not quite sure. If God does indeed want me here, then he wants me here to work on me. Because I need it. And it wasn't getting done in Colorado. I have a sneaking suspicion that part of the changes he has planned involves getting rid of many attachments I have. From little things like TV (which I very much miss having), to big things like the people in my life, to Colorado. Etc. Not that they're bad things, but maybe my attachment is more deep than God wants, or something. Who knows. Obviously, though, God has some changes he wants me to make before I can get on with the rest of my life, I guess. (Yes, I am going to the "I still have to change in some way before God will bring my future spouse into my life" even though that's still presuming my will will eventually be the same as God's will. Or, maybe it'd be more accurate to say that it's still presuming that God's will will eventually fit my will. And that's not a good thing to presume. Although, I do think it's what I'm called to, and that comes from God, so...God willing! Ha.) I guess I just have to keep suffering through. Hopefully I'll come out a champion in the end. Of what, I don't know. Maybe eventually it'll stop being suffering, and it'll somehow turn to joy. Doubtful, but either way, I have to trust and believe that it'll be good for me in the end. And, oh, how hard it is to trust God. How can I doubt that he has my best interests at heart? No, I don't doubt that. I doubt/don't trust myself. I don't trust that I'll make the right choices, and then God's will won't be done. As if that's possible. God can make good out of anything, even our mistakes. I just have a lot of fear. I have a lot of fear that my wishes and dreams and hopes won't come true. But they already haven't, so why should I still be fearing it? It's obvious that my life isn't going to happen the way I've always imagined it. (And I guess I have to let go of the secret hope I had to have 12 kids. You have to start early to have 12 kids. I should let go of the hope to have any number, because that's not really something that's up to me anyway.)

If someone could tell me how to give up my will and give myself completely over to God's, I'd really appreciate it. Just like I've never been able to figure out how to "stop looking" for a certain someone, even though "everyone" always says that you find each other right when you stop looking. I can understand the concept, but the execution is something that's completely foreign. What does it even mean to stop looking? I don't know how to "be content" with where I am. I know I need to be, somehow, but I don't know how to get there. How do I stop yearning and aching to be a part of someone's life like that, everytime I see these disgustingly cute couples that seem to surround me (when I can't help but think, "Why them? Why does God let them have that, and not me? Why doesn't he want me to be as happy as they are?")? Or to have my own kids, every time I see deliciously fat little babies? How do I pretend I don't long for it? How do I change myself so that I don't long for it? I haven't been able to figure that out in all these years I've been hoping and praying for my future husband to come into my life. So, who knows. Seriously, though, if anyone has any insights as to how I can be more like Mary and give God my free consent just like she did, twould be wonderful to hear. It's not easy. Right now it seems downright impossible. I don't know what he's doing in my life, what he's got planned for my life, and it's so maddening and even disheartening, because it seems like I never get any answers from him. No indication he hears my prayers. Probably because I'm praying for the wrong things, I guess.

Sigh. It's tough, this thing called life.

Something Missing

It struck me today, walking from the Shrine to McGivney Hall (where I have all my classes), that the walk was missing something. I realized as I walked across the lawn that separates my class building from the Shrine that there was some part of me that inherently expected to be able to look up to my left and see the shining Dome there, gold and gleaming, as if I were walking along the south edge of South Quad. Made me a little bit sad. No matter how beautiful and big the Shrine is, it's no Basilica in my mind. (I mean, it is a Basilica, but it's not the Basilica, not for me - never will be.) No matter how much I love the smell that greets me when I walk into the bottom level of the Shrine, or how much I might like the Crypt Church. My heart belongs to Notre Dame, all the way. But I can't be there now, and will probably only be there very sporadically for the rest of my life. I do miss it, though, a lot. This place, now, it's just a place. Has a nice church, I guess, but my heart will never ever be here. In any way. In any part of this city. And that's just the way it is.

And, this is painfully obvious to anyone with eyes, but ND campus >>>>> CUA campus. True fact.

My biggest source of excitement since leaving Colorado

Firstly: Happy birthday to my big brother! 28 today. I love him and miss him so much! Yay Tom!




Michael Buble has a new CD! And I only found out because I was on CNN's homepage looking at the headlines about that crazy balloon story from today (kid allegedly flying in a homemade helium balloon over Colorado, turns out he was hiding in his garage the whole time; whole story is pretty fishy/bizarre). I saw a headline that said something about "Michael Buble thinks he's sexy" or something, a link to a video. Twas an interview with him, and they kept showing clips from his new single's music video, which I hadn't heard so I knew it must be from a new album. And then they mentioned it, and then I was excited for the next three hours. And, um, seriously, haven't been that excited since the summer, probably. Almost bought it (it's a dollar cheaper to download as opposed to buy a real copy), but then made myself wait as a motivator to do homework. Because I need to bribe myself in order to do my homework, which is pretty sad. So I'll probably buy it either Monday or Wednesday. (I have a midterm due Monday, which is two 5-6 page essays on these two specific questions, but then I have another one-page single spaced paper to write for one of my Tuesday classes, and a 600 word paper due Wednesday afternoon for my Thursday class. So I might make myself wait until then.

Which means there's still time for you to buy me a real copy, which I will happily accept as a token of your love and affection! Support the happiness and well-being and sanity of a poor grad student!)

The excitement has waned a bit under the weight of schoolwork and life. But I'm trying to keep myself psyched up for when I'll be able to hear the whole CD in full, instead of just the 30 second snippets I can listen to on Amazon. (And the full version of the above song, of course.)

All over the place

Sorry about last night. (If you haven't read the post two down from this one, do yourself a favor and DON'T.)

Woke up on a better side of the bed this morning. Not that anything's changed, but it's a new day, I guess. And every day I wake up is one day closer to going home again for Thanksgiving. (And, of course, every day is a gift from God, and all that.)

Last week, when I couldn't find my vanilla chai tea at safeway, I got this chai spice black tea. Since I ended up going to another store later that day where I found the vanilla chai, this morning is the first time I'm trying the other stuff. (Figured I should have another tea since I've been chugging the vanilla chai practically every day for a week.) It's pretty good. And check out the ingredients: blended black tea, ginger root, cinnamon, cinnamon flavor, clove oil, allspice, clove, nutmeg(!), and cardamom oil. With those ingredients, how could it not taste good? Tea is so good.

Oh, I forgot to mention a few other good things from my trip up to New England this past weekend. Well, the first was in New Jersey - when we got to my aunt and uncle's house, I happened to see a few fireflies in their backyard! It was dark enough that I could see them lighting up. I don't see fireflies a lot (um, ever) in Colorado, so it was pretty fun to see those few I saw. I think the last time I saw fireflies, probably, was maybe 7 or 8 summers ago. I went to visit my grandparents in New Jersey with my dad, just me and him, and while there we caught a few fireflies to take back with us. We let them out of the jar when we got home, in the bushes in front of our house, and were hoping that they'd set up a colony there. They all ended up dying, of course, or something - I think we might have seen a few the next night, but after that we didn't see anymore. But that first night we were back, when we were letting them out, it was quite a show - one of our neighbors saw it and was excited because she hadn't seen fireflies since she was a little girl. It was pretty cool. Even if we did essentially kill a bunch of fireflies by trying to transport them to Colorado...Anyway.

The other cool thing about the weekend was the New England fall foliage. It was quite pretty. I didn't really get to take pictures of any of it, unfortunately, because most of it was viewed from the window of a moving vehicle. Oh well. At least I got to see it and take mental pictures.

I was going through some of my music last night, and I came across Josh Groban's Christmas cd. I can't wait until I get to start listening to that again. Coming up quickly! Thanksgiving is only six weeks from tomorrow. (That means I'm home six weeks from today!)

Speaking of Christmas, all I want this year is Ken Burns' National Parks series (the DVDs, and/or the soundtrack, and/or maybe the book, because I think it probably has pretty pictures in it). And the Star Trek DVD. And Emma on DVD. And anything knitting-related, specifically some sort of carrying case or something in which I can put all my needles. Any of those would make me happy.

Do you know how much of my negativity these days towards my life here stems from money? A lot of it, I think. I gave up a regular-paying job to come here, and spent lots of money in the process, and continue to spend money. I need to get a couple of long/warm skirts to wear, and maybe a pair or two of more-sensible cold-weather shoes to wear with skirts, not to mention a new winter coat or something, but I'm so sick of spending money. I want to buy the yarn to make that Christmas afghan I mentioned a few weeks ago, but at the time I mentioned it the store I always get my yarn from was having a sale and by the time I figured out colors and amounts I needed, they had (temporarily) run out of what I wanted. Now they have it again, but it's the regular price now, and I really shouldn't buy it, even though I really, really want to. I have friends getting married back in Colorado in November, and I really, really want to go (weddings are, theoretically, and definitely for these two, a once-in-a-lifetime thing). I'm so tempted to give in and drop $200 to go for the weekend. But I'm already doing that for two more friends the weekend after Thanksgiving. And while I'm already in debt anyway and what's another couple hundred dollars especially when it's for a wedding, I just don't know if that would be very responsible of me.

And the thing about all this money stuff is, it's hard to look for a job out here because I have limited transportation. Not to mention five graduate classes I'm currently struggling in as it is. I did apply at the Shrine bookstore, and maybe (I'm hoping, fingers crossed) that'll give me at least a couple hours at least which might help me feel like I'm not quite such a drain (particularly on my parents, and on my future self), but I'm not sure if I can count on that to go anywhere. Sigh. I don't know what's going to happen.

Anyway. Whatever. It is what it is.

Maybe they should play Love Stinks instead.

In the interest of not leaving that last post as the first post on my blog, I'll update you on all my doings lately.

So, last weekend, I got to go home (glorious!) to witness two of my friends getting married back there. It was wonderful to see them, to see so many of my friends (pretty much all of whom were at the wedding, which made it easy to see everyone!), to visit with my wonderful family and my lots of fun nephews, to see and hug my Nutmeg, to take in the high altitude and the wonderful sights of my beautiful state. It was great, and the nuptial Mass was beautiful, too. They're both very traditional-type Catholics, so they had all the bridesmaids wear mantillas, which was interesting. (I mean, I wear one normally, so it was fine for me, but none of the other girls ever wear one so I think they were a little uncomfortable. But, the bride is the bride, after all!) I caught the bouquet at the wedding - saw it coming, saw that it was going to fall short of where the mass of us unwanteds were standing, so I went out in front of the pack and just stood there waiting for it to land in my arms. (And a little bit right in my face, as it turns out.) Good times.

This past weekend, I took the bus to Philly where my Uncle Ray picked me up and took me to his house, where Aunt Diane and Holly (cousin) were waiting with dinner just about ready. It was nice to visit with them. Stayed there that night, then the next morning Aunt Lisa, Chris (another cousin), and Jeannie (cousin again) met up at their house and we caravanned in two cars from New Jersey up to Massachusetts. Twas a LOOOOONG ride (George Washington Bridge on the Saturday of a holiday weekend = not a good idea). Two hours longer than expected, so we went straight to my Aunt Carol's house instead of going to the hotel first. We had a wonderful mini-reunion there, with all five of the Oppelt kids there, and the applicable significant others (including my wonderful mother :-) ), and Grandpop and his wife Cathy, and almost all of the cousins - pretty much just my three siblings were missing. There are 24 cousins total on my mom's side, but on my Dad's side (which was this wedding) there are...10, and three step cousins (two of whom also weren't there this weekend). I hadn't seen a lot of my dad's side of the family since my grandmom's funeral six years ago. Wow, almost seven years ago. I really like them, though, so it was so good to see them again. Whereas on my mom's side my siblings and I are the four youngest of the cousins, on my dad's side we're mostly a lot closer in age (Tom is the oldest, and we have one outlier cousin who's 8, but the next youngest is almost 18). Anyway. It was a great time at my aunt's that night, and then the next day was the wedding which was also a lot of fun. Weird that my cousin who got married actually got married...haha.

It's so enjoyable to see family. I always hated missing out on seeing and getting to know my extended family while I was growing up. I mean, I love Colorado and am so glad we live there, but I dislike being so far from cousins and such. My aunts were talking about how we should try to have regular family reunions, something I would totally support. (I would also support family reunions on my mom's side, but I don't know that people on that side have any interest in it.) It's just so great to be around people who have the same family story as me. I mean, you know what I mean. Yeah.

Oh! Ok, so I've been to four weddings in the last two months, and each and every one has played that stupid "All the Single Ladies" song by...Beyonce, I think? Oh, maybe not the one I went to in September. But the one in August and the one last weekend did, during or after the bouquet toss, of course, and the one this past weekend did, after the non-bouquet toss (the bride said she thought her flowers were too pretty to throw, so instead she gave them to her friend who's getting married). Man, I hate that song. What did they play at receptions before that came out? I wish they would go back to whatever it was. Bleh. Anyway.

So. Weddings = fun. Family = wonderful. The end.

I like to think a warm puppy would solve all my problems.

My sister wanted me to update, so you all can blame her for the following.

Last night, this is what I was wearing when I went to bed: Socks, warm sweatpants, a bra (sorry, forgot to take it off, then when I remembered, figured it wouldn't hurt considering how cold I was), a long sleeved t-shirt, a hoodie with the hood pulled over my head. With that, I burrowed with my back against my "boyfriend pillow" (one of those pillows that you sit against that has the arms on it), huddled under the sheet, blanket, afghan, second blanket, and comforter that was folded over so I basically had two layers of comforter on top. With all that, I was mostly warm. I didn't move at all during the night, and definitely didn't want to get out of my cocoon this morning. And today's high was almost 70 degrees! Our house is just ridiculously cold, all the time. Maybe it's a good thing it doesn't get that cold here in the winter. I don't have any more blankets to put on my bed, and only just broke out the comforter yesterday.

And of course, they still have the AC on full blast at school. Because, you know, air conditioning is definitely necessary when it's barely, if even, 70 degrees outside. At best.

I'm cranky and moody and emotional today. And yes, a lot of that it is what you think; you can say it.

Lots of things are getting under my skin today. Even more than usual. I have no patience, and I'm having a hard time being sympathetic or compassionate. Oddly, the two things bothering me the most right now are grammatical errors (why does no one know the correct usage of your vs you're, or its and it's, or their, there, and they're? It bothers me to no end. I know it's a colossal waste of energy to be bothered by it, but I can't help it. It grates on me like nails on a chalkboard) and poor driving skills. Also a problem because, in case you weren't aware, I live in DC. The home of, apparently, the worst drivers in the country. Maybe not worst, but least other-aware, most inconsiderate of anyone but themselves. Sometimes it sucks to take the metro because it costs money each time, and I feel like I'm bleeding money without a replenishing source as it is, but at least it's quick (except when there are malfunctioning trains messing everything up) and I don't have to be stuck in traffic.

Then I came home and saw the headline for this article, clicking on it because at first I thought it would be a pro-illegalizing abortion article since it mentioned a high number of women who die from abortions. But then I realized it said from "unsafe" abortions, which would thus mean that it's an article calling for more widespread legalization of abortion. And a pro-contraception article, too. Because, haven't you heard, contraception cures all the ills of society. This article claims that 63% of married women now worldwide use contraception, an increase from the last time the study was done, and of course the article lauded that fact. Then it decried the fact that "only" 28% of married women in Africa use contraception, and of course seems to imply that that number should rise. Of course, it does claim that abortions per year had decreased almost 4 million from 1995 to 2003, the last year available. But that means that in 2003, there were still 41.6 million abortions performed. That's 41.6 million - million - babies killed. Barely computes, right? So sad. Anyway. The whole article only served to depress me more, because it seems like those of us on the side of life and truth are fighting a losing battle. How are we supposed to compete with the tools the devil uses? I know that God is bigger and stronger than the devil, and that ultimately the truth will win, but right now it seems almost hopeless for me even to try. All I have is this stupid blog that convinces no one, with unconvincing and too-emotional arguments that would never sway anyone.

The devil is certainly doing a job on me lately, I think. I don't know. I just feel like I'm barely hanging on. Maybe today is just a particularly horrendous day for whatever reasons (crazy girl hormones, anyone?), who knows. I'm just...cold. And tired. And homesick. And I feel like the only thing keeping me sane is knitting. How sad is that? I'm so uninterested in all my classes, because they just seem sooo abstract and either over my head or too non-practical for me to keep focused enough that I have any idea what my professors are talking about. And the reading is the same way a lot of the time. And it's a lot of reading, almost too overwhelming sometimes, so I don't even know where to start and then I fall behind and then I have even less idea what the heck they're talking about in class and it's just all bad. I've heard from numerous very reliable sources that this first semester is absolutely the worst in that respect - the professors seem to be talking at us instead of teaching much, and the classes are just very abstract and difficult to grasp at times, and the readings are nearly impossible to keep up with completely. Apparently this session (aka: branch) of the Institute (there are numerous throughout the world) is the most intellectual(ly difficult), and is a lot more reading and such than the other sessions. Even, so I've heard, the session in Rome. So, yeah. I'm trying to keep that in mind while trying to keep my head above water. Mostly failing, but trying. Although, I'll admit, I don't even really know how to try at this point.

Wasn't I excited about this at some point? I can't quite remember. I do remember trying to make myself more excited about moving here than I really felt...and still feel...I just don't know. I don't know anything anymore.

(For the record, I'm very much aware that I disliked ND quite a bit for my first two years there. I'm just waiting for the DC-love to kick in. Of course, at the same time, I don't remember ever feeling quite this ehhhhhh when I was there. Plus, it was different. Plus, there were a lot more things I liked about ND than I like about anything here. So, who knows. I sure don't. I hope God knows what he's doing. I hope I'm doing what he wants me to do, because at this point I really don't know. And it's so hard to talk to anyone about it because everyone's all like "Oh, it's such a good program, right up your alley, you're in the capital of the country, blah blah blah FEEL THE LOVE NOW." And I know they mean well. People always mean well when they're trying to make you feel better about something you're not feeling too great about. Case in point: People telling me that I'm too young to be worrying about getting married anyway. But whatever. Yeah. It's just so hard to tell people that I really hate it and sometimes feel completely miserable and I really am trying to like it here, to find stuff to enjoy about being here, to ignore all the good things I'm missing out on, to remember the things I'm getting while being here, to remember that I have this great opportunity for a master's, to ignore the fact that I really couldn't care much less about having a master's and have absolutely no clue what I'd even do with it, etc. But it's very difficult. And I'm probably not trying very hard, I'll admit, because...I don't know. I just don't know how to force myself into enjoying something that I'm just not enjoying. And then I try to remember to tell myself that life is not all about being happy all the time and enjoying every step I have to take, and sometimes I have to do things that absolutely suck to get to the good stuff. And hopefully this whole stupid journey has something good at the end of it and I won't just end up back in Colorado looking for whatever job I can find, but will end up back in Colorado being able to do something that might use this degree in some capacity. Because God knows I won't be getting married any time soon, and thus my whole life plan is just completely shot and I have no idea where I'm going from here, and I hate that "here" is supposedly going to last another two years. Patience is not my strong suit.)

Appreciation

Yesterday, thinking about how much I love Bigelow's Vanilla Chai Tea (have I mentioned that before?), I had an idea: one time, I contacted Sally Hansen to tell them about how I wore their nail polish for my brother's wedding (might not have gone into that much detail), and how excited and happy I was that days later, it had barely chipped. Very different from my typical nail polish experiences. I had borrowed my mom's for the occasion. Anyway, so I filled out their "contact us" form with that note of appreciation, and lo and behold, a few days later I received a letter from them in the mail with three coupons inside! So now I have my own stash of Sally Hansen nail polish.

Anyway, I decided to do the same thing for the Bigelow company, since I love their tea much more than I love Sally Hansen's nail polish. I get an email back today saying they are glad I like the tea, and that they're going to be sending me "a sample of one of our other fine teas and a coupon". So, that's pretty nifty. Hopefully the coupon will be something I can use - preferably on The Perfect Tea - but yeah. I get to try a new flavor, too! For free! I mean, it takes no time at all to send a little note of appreciation, and look what it gets me! And now I'm telling everyone (by that, I mean all five people who read this) about Bigelow and how great their tea is and blah blah blah, so maybe you'll be convinced to go try it if you don't already buy their stuff. So, win win, right? (Or maybe it's win-win-win.)

Speaking of: The Office wedding tonight! Too bad I have to wait until it's already aired before it gets online, since I have no TV and am too lame/lazy to get someone to drive me to some friends' house where they host an Office watch every week. (Plus a couple of them in the house are currently sick, and I'd rather not get sick again this year, even though I got it pretty light last month.) But still. Exciting!

Also exciting: a few days ago I discovered that one of the languages you can set your Facebook to (ahh! terrible grammar in that sentence!) is Latin! It's new, and beta, but it's so fun! The only other time I changed my facebook language was to Pirate English, which was pretty fun too. Anyway.

(See, I'm really trying to be positive about things here. Like...my roommates are great! My classmates are great! The Shrine is, admittedly, pretty impressive, and the Crypt has a nice daily Mass, and it's easy to find a time to go to convession. Our house is pretty cozy, if not a bit cold, but my parents' house is always too cold for me, too. I have my tea again. My warm, comforting, delicious, perfect-for-fall flavored tea. But then I remember the mountains, and think about those beautiful crisp fall nights (including tonight, which apparently includes snow), and ability to see stars on a regular basis, and Nutmeg, and our wonderful gas fireplace, and my disdain for DC can barely be held at bay...)

Anyway. I'm going to write about something completely non-related right now. I'm watching The Office (found it real-time online!), and they just had Jim's speech before the wedding, about how he waited so long for her, and people thought he was crazy to wait so long for a date with a girl he worked with, and he said something like "even then I knew, I was waiting for my wife." And aw, so sweet. And then he let it slip that Pam was pregnant, although they had told everyone not to mention it because her conservative grandmother didn't know, and then Michael jumped in trying to make things better by talking about how they were living together and having "lots of consensual sex" and whatnot, and it got awkward, and then they finally made him stop talking, and then Jim said, after an awkward pause, "To waiting." And it was just so ironic. I have to believe that the writers realized the irony of that statement, after the discussion of them living together and whatnot - them not waiting. But, as I mentioned to a friend, while the odd juxtaposition is obvious to me and those who agree that sex should be reserved for marriage, maybe it's not so obvious to those to whom sex is no big deal, or expected even outside of marriage. Either way, ironic way to end that toast, Jim.

(But beyond that, awww, such a sweet episode. I <3 Jim and Pam.)

Well. See, I wrote yesterday about how maybe I won't be writing so much, and here I am. Oh well. Time to go read for Theology of Mary tomorrow. Yay...?

Don't mind me, I'm just knitting.

Just a heads-up, if I don't write very often, it's probably because I'm too busy knitting. And knitting. Oh, and did I mention knitting?

It's an addiction. A wonderful, glorious addiction. Sort of like my addiction to coffee, which I now thing of wistfully, not having had a drop in two full weeks now (and I have another 25 days to go...sigh. I miss it. Immensely. All the time). At least the addiction to coffee, and subsequent withdrawal of late, has been ever so slightly aided by my love for Bigelow Vanilla Chai tea, some of the most delicious heated water you will ever put into your mouth. Seriously. Didn't help that I ran out of that stuff shortly after the coffee fast began, but as of today, I'm re-stocked and happy. :-)

(Back to knitting...) Luckily, I've managed to get almost sort of good at reading while knitting, provided the pattern isn't too involved (and most of those I'm currently working on aren't). It's just so hard to put down the knitting...hm, I'm reminded of a song...


Anyhoo. Maybe someday I'll be able to support myself on my knitting. Maybe I'll buy a sheep, and make my own yarn, too! Yeah, that'll never happen. Either part of it.

My point is, while I can sort of read and knit, blogging while knitting doesn't really seem very possible...and knitting is a lot more fun than angsty posts complaining about how much I hate DC and how much I miss Colorado, and how much my heart yearns for the mountains, and how terrible I am at this whole student thing (not that that's anything new), and how much I wish I had my dad's confidence that this is right for me and good for me, and about how if some wonderful guy came up to me tomorrow, and we hit it off and started dating, and after some appropriate amount of time he asked me to marry him, I'd drop this whole grad school thing in a heartbeat and go be a wife.

Ahem. Thus proving my point: right now, knitting >>> blogging. Not to say I won't continue blogging at my normal rate, who knows. It is me, after all.

Sigh. Two years is a long time, ya'll. Especially when I've already lived away from Colorado for four years, and then got to be back for a year with the knowledge of how beautiful and wonderful and amazing it is, only to leave again for two more years. I know two years isn't that long, but I don't want to be away from Colorado at all, let alone for two years. I hate being away with every single scrap of myself. Really, there's no part of me that likes being away, at all. Especially not being away in DC. Gross, loud, bright, crowded, flat, too-warm DC.

Oh, and also, I keep remembering that next year is 2010. Next summer is my parents' 30th wedding anniversary. I used to imagine getting married on their 30th anniversary, and especially liked the idea because I really like nice, round numbers, and 2010 is a great one. But then I would think, 2010? That's so far away. I want to get married before that! Ha. Oh, young, naive, stupid Susie. Little did you know that you'd be no closer to getting married by 2010 than you were when you were in middle school. And that you'd be lucky to get your first boyfriend in 2010...I almost wish I could warn you, but why? You'll have years to discover it.

Well, back to the knitting/reading. I should get good at both, since I have nothing else with which to occupy my time, and I'd better be good at knitting if I'm going to be one of those old crazy knitting ladies who has nothing else in her life...

Good things.

My bed, complete with comfy pillows, ND blanket, knitting, candles on the nightstand, and my favorite picture hanging above.

A box full of knitting supplies. :-)

A street in my neighborhood back home with lovely fall foliage.

Nutmeg. :-)

Nephew. :-)

I am home.

I am happy.

My cheeks are recently chilled from a lovely walk outside (because, hey, it's cold! and fall weather! here. And I love it). The air? Crisp, clear, wonderful.

One of the most beautiful sights of recent times: flying into Colorado Springs today right at sunset. And for most of the way, my side of the plane was facing the mountains. Basically, heaven. I couldn't get enough of looking at them from the minute that they came into view. I love those mountains.

It's so different out here. So...uncluttered by buildings. (I mean, there are too many buildings, but I guess having hills around helps because it's easy to go somewhere and find a clear view for miles.) So wonderful. Gah. Love.

Sorry. I'm a little overloaded on Colorado love right now. Because, dude, I love it here. So so so so so so so so SOOOOO much.

That is all.

Happy to be Cold?

An amazing and wonderful thing happened last night when I went to bed.

I was cold.

I needed to put another blanket on my bed.

It's almost time for the comforter, maybe! Yay!

(I wish I knew what happened to my under-the-sheets electric bed warmer that I had at college, because I think that might be nice to have...)

Also: I will be home. Tomorrow. (Where it's even chillier, and where I do have a bed warmer.) And that makes me all kinds of happy.