Trying to let go before it's too late

My last day of work is the 17th. Have I mentioned that? I think I might have in one of those posts I never posted. I want to go hiking. On a weekday. (Or several weekdays.) All over the Springs, and maybe elsewhere. (Big question is, who will I go hiking with? Or, should I say, with whom will I go hiking?) And to the zoo with my sis and fun nephews. And with Lauren. And, of course, packing. Lots and lots of packing. Bleh. Can you believe that I only have...well, pretty much a month and a half left? Crazy. I'm gonna miss everyone here so much. Sigh.

I think I also mentioned that, tentatively (unless the schedule as is changes between now and the start of school), I won't have classes on Mondays this semester. So that's pretty nice. I had it all written out in said post, but the whole schedule is pretty nice - earliest class is 9:30, each class only meets once a week (I have five classes total, four for credit and one audit. Everyone takes the same five classes, but we each get to choose which one we want to audit), so there's only one day that I have two classes. And, well, I forget exactly the schedule, but I'm pretty happy with it. (Of course, I'm sure I'll have hours upon hours of reading and assignments to do for each of those classes every week, so...yeah.)

My future housemates and I are closing in on a house. Looks like we'll be turning in the application this week, asap, for a cute little house in Silver Spring. So that's exciting, I guess. I'll keep you all updated. Eventually.

I know all this DC stuff is exciting. But all my excitement has been pushed back lately by my desire to stay here in the familiar, with those I love (both for years, and newly discovered), in this place where my heart belongs. And so it's this in-between place I've talked about before that I hate. Not wanting to leave, but can't wait to go so that I can get on with it, get the goodbyes out of the way and start the new stage, whatever it looks like. I mean, I'm going to DC. I'm like the last person in the world who would ever want to live in such a big city. Ever. And I'm willingly going there for the next two years to go back to school. School. With homework, and essays, and assignments, and late nights, and stress. And for what? A master's degree I don't particularly include in my list of Life Goals I'd Like to Achieve. But apparently, for whatever reason, it's one of those things God wants me to achieve. And therein lies the problem - I'm willing to go along with what God wills for me. I have no other choice, right? But I read something the other day (I think it was in the fantastic In Conversation with God series, for some day last week), that said...oh, let me find it, I won't be able to do it justice. Ok, here: "When we see that God wants something of us, we should do it promptly and cheerfully. Many people rebel when what God wants does not coincide with their own inclination. Others accept his will with more or less reluctant resignation merely submitting to the divine plans because they can see no alternative. Others simply conform, but without any motivation of love. Nevertheless Our Lord wants us to love the divine Will with holy abandonment, with complete trust in God our Father."

Love the divine Will with abandonment. Trust. "We have to try, each day, to surrender ourselves, to abandon ourselves without any reservations, and even without understanding why God allows this or that to happen." I'm having such a hard time with this all lately because I can't let go, I can't abandon myself and abandon the hopes and dreams and desires I have for my life. But I have to, because my life is God's, ultimately. I won't really be happy if I'm following my desires at the expense of those God has for me. And that's the hardest thing - believing that I can have a happy life without the things I dream about. And it's not like God's will is necessarily at odds with what I do desperately want, but the point is that I have to be prepared and willing for them to be quite incompatible. And I have to love that. I need to get there, but it's very, very difficult. And it doesn't help when I think of everyone else living out lives, or parts of lives, that I wish I could have, and wondering "why not me?", or when I think about those people who have gone after what they want without a second thought to what God and what He wants, and aren't they happy? So why do I have to follow God's path like this at the expense of my happiness, in an attempt to find maybe some deeper happiness somewhere down the road, when those people seem perfectly happy?

Obviously, these questions are more rhetorical than anything. Obviously, we know the answer. Or I do, at least. I know why I have to follow God's will for me at the expense of my wishes. I have to let go of whatever chance at happiness I think I might have by staying here and doing...what? I have to be able to embrace and love this terrifying journey on which I'm about to embark. It's so overwhelming. And I don't know what the end of the journey will look like, what road it'll lead me to. What's at the end of the tunnel? I'm just having such a hard time letting go. I can't stay here for pipe dreams. I have to go. But I can't just do this because it's what God wants and I feel like I have no alternative; I can't just resign myself to these next two years without feeling motivated with love for God's will for me. But it's so. hard. to accept. It's hard to love it right now. Right now, with all these upcoming marriages and wonderful things for people. With all these potentials for more of my friends. I'm so happy for them, but a part of me hates it all. Not them or the fact that they're getting what I want, and I'm getting more school, but the fact that God won't give it to me. And I need to be able to love the possibility. I need to get to a point where I can say that, even if I'm the last/only single person I know my age (whatever age that is), I will love it because it's what God wants for me. And I'm pretty much nowhere near being able to say that right now.

So, it's a pretty big obstacle I have in front of me before I'll be able to embrace this whole thing. And it's not just this, but everything in my life - I have to be able to embrace whatever it is God has planned for me. I need to do that. I know I won't have peace until I can. I know I don't have peace right now because I can't. I'm clinging with everything I have to things here - as if somehow that's going to make my dreams come true. But I know I need to let go of those dreams before I can even begin to discover the extent of my true dreams, which I might not even realize yet. I'm sure that whatever God has planned will be better than anything I plan. But I really like the way I've planned things hypothetically in my head (which really wouldn't work out regardless of whether or not God wants me in DC), and I don't want to let go of that. I mean, I can't even comprehend being happier having some sort of career and being single rather than getting married and having kids. But I think I really need to get to a point where I can feasibly feel happy and fulfilled, maybe in some sort of deeper or different way, in the career God wants me if he doesn't want that other life for me. And I do realize that submitting to and loving God's will doesn't necessarily mean I'm going to be single for the rest of my life. I guess a part of me just sort of suspects/fears it does because of how much I don't want it to.

Anyway. I'm really not sure how much of this is making sense, if at all. But if I don't seem super-excited about all this upcoming change, it's because that part of me that's clutching my dreams as if my life depended on it (because, sort of, it does) is pulling down the ability to be unimpeded in my excitement. It's a weight that's keeping me from truly being able to embrace the whole thing. If I'm really excited about it, that means I've come to accept the fact that my life is going a different direction than I want it to. I know that sounds crazy, but for me that's the way it is. And I definitely didn't mean to write such an extensive post about this topic...sorry about that. And sorry if it doesn't make a whole lot of sense. It's mostly just me trying to get my thoughts down so maybe they'll be out of my head a little bit. Because, man, I've been having a hard time with this lately. A very hard time. I hope it doesn't get worse as the move gets closer, because it's pretty bad right now. For a variety of reasons. And I need to let go. Letting go is difficult, though. It's like this scene in an awesome movie:


To be free, I have to let go - and I have to love the letting go and embracing whatever is coming. But I really want that to which I'm holding so tightly.

Triathletism

I made it, I did it, I survived. Wasn't quite last, but was pretty close to it. But I did it, and that's the biggest thing, right? (Right?)

Swim was the best part. Shortest, the water felt good, and almost enjoyable. Did mostly backstroke. The biking was, as expected, the worst for me. Especially because my front tire was quite low for more than half of it (I think it has a slow leak or something, and I had pumped it up again right before but must not have done a very good job). Someone was riding around with a tire pump, so I got it reinflated around 6 or 7 miles in, and it held pretty well after that. And, you know, I've been on a bike all of like three times in the last 10 years or something. And it was 10 miles. Gross. The run was ok, but mostly because I walked a good portion of it. (Maybe half, total. Kinda pathetic, I know, but I just couldn't get my legs to go very far for very long.) Aside from the biking, almost the worst part of the day was walking back to my car. I'm pretty sure it was a 30 minute walk from where the race took place to where my car was. And the last part was at a slight incline. How mean of them to plan it that way. Psh. But yeah. Anyway.

So. It's done now. I survived, and I can stop worrying about it. I've done it, and that's what matters, even if my time was pathetic (I'm pretty sure it was around 2.5 hours. Pretty close to my semi-goal of finishing by 10am, though, right?)

This is not as easy as it looks, so I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't distract me.

The word of the weekend is: Anticipation.

Tomorrow morning, I'm going hiking. And I'll be thinking about how I could be spending the time running or biking. I'll also be thinking about what time I have to leave for Denver, and everything I have to be sure to have with me. And I'll be wondering just how dead I'll feel come Sunday afternoon. (And how long this torture is going to take me - 2 hours? 2.5? 1.5? ha on that last one, by the way.)

Then I have to head up to Denver to go to this expo thing where I'll pick up my packet and my number and all that jazz, and I'm staying up there in a hotel tomorrow night with a friend who is also doing the triathlon. And we'll go to church somewhere in Denver tomorrow evening. And then it's bright and early Sunday morning, and hopefully done by...10? Everyone I know who's doing it is in the buddy wave, the last wave to go, and the first wave starts at 7am, so I have no idea what time I'll be actually starting. But if it's any time before or around 8, I should hopefully be done by 10, 10:30 at the latest. Then dragging myself back down here to shower, maybe nap, and head over to Palmer Park for my nephew's birthday (he's going to be 2 on Sunday!). Man, can't wait for that party - means I'm finally free! And I can exercise when and how I want to, no pressure to hit this mark or that mark or do biking or swimming. I'm really looking forward to that. Hopefully I'll keep up the running, but that's all I really want to do.

Sigh. I hate this anticipation. I'm worried about the swim and how cold it'll be (um...cold). I also don't have a great deal of stamina in the water, but a lot of that is because I think I can't quite breath very well sometimes when doing freestyle. I hope it'll be better during the tri because I'm planning on doing more doggy paddle type swimming, and keeping my head out of the water more. But we shall see...sigh. It's gonna be cold, y'alls. In the water, anyway. So then once that's done, it's the biking. Ugh. 10 miles in a bike seat? Not my idea of a fantastic time. I'm least worried about the run - only 5k, and if I really need to I can stop and walk for a few strides here and there.

I know, the anticipation of things is usually a whole heck of a lot worse than the things themselves (and the excitement of things is usually a whole lot better than the reality, too, sometimes, but that's a different discussion), and I'm really hoping that to be true in this case. It's just a stupid triathlon, after all. No big deal. People do them all the time. Yeah, I'm gonna look pathetic, and there's no way I'll have anything near a good finishing time, but the important thing is to finish. That's the whole reason I'm doing this in the first place, right? I guess.

Si-iiiiiigh. I really hope I'm not the last person to finish. Twould be sad.

I need to make some lists. Stuff I need to bring, for one. Well, for only, actually. I need that list (both stuff for tomorrow night, just the essentials and such, and for Sunday, also just essentials like the clothes I'll be wearing, sunscreen, etc.), and I need directions to the expo, to the hotel, and probably from the expo to the hotel. And the hotel to the reservoir. Having lists and directions always makes me feel better about impending new experiences upon which I'm embarking...

(Unrelated, but here's an interesting article I found on Dawn Eden's site regarding Michael Jackson and the sad state of his life.)

Goodness I can't wait for this triathlon business to be done.

Welp, if I don't post again, the triathlon did it.

So, Michael Jackson died

A bit surprising to hear, but...I mean...the Michael Jackson that everyone knows and loves hasn't been around for a very long time. The Michael Jackson I'm more familiar with (as in, I actually remember these events happening, and not just experiencing them in retrospect) was pretty...weird. So anyway. His songs were legendary and such, and for that he should be remembered. But the rest of it...not so much. And color me really not too sad. I mean, it's always sad when people die "young," and I'm sure his family are all devastated and they (and he) could use all the prayers they can get. He was obviously a very troubled person, and given his childhood it's pretty understandable. In the end, though, he was still just a person like the rest of us, a child of God, and we should remember that. That being said, though, I'm certainly not about to start crying because a shell of the man who used to be the King of Pop has died.

Well, I was going to post a few MJ videos of my favorite songs, but I can't find good versions of them (and/or I'm too lazy to look around much). But if I could find them, you'd be watching Heal the World, You Are Not Alone, and Will You Be There (or whatever that Free Willy song was). Maybe I like those the best because I actually remember when they came out and were popular. (I specifically remember Heal the World, and listening to it on or around a trip to some museum that had chail mail, among other armor things, and a gift shop with Russian nesting dolls, when we were visiting family back east. Except I may be very much confusing several different things together into one day. Who knows.) Also, the first music video I specifically remember ever seeing was Black and White. And I think I only saw that because it was on after or during some TV show we were watching on our (cableless) TV one night. Definitely didn't grow up watching his videos (or anyone else's) on MTV, that's for sure. And now no one else does, either! Haha. (I mean, because MTV doesn't seem to have music videos on ever anymore. Which seems mostly ok with me, since it seems like all music videos these days involve women with very little clothing on, dancing around very suggestively. Hm.)

Anyway. There are my specific Michael Jackson related memories.

It has been kind of fun hearing lots of Michael Jackson songs on the radio tonight. I mean, I guess sad for the reason, but he did have a lot of great songs. Really really sad what he turned into. Hm.

Well, here's one video:


I hope he can find peace now.

Thoughts of today

I love my dad. Have I ever mentioned? Perhaps I should have written this on Sunday, but I cannot be restrained to specific dates, people. I do what I want when I want. (Not really. But right now, I am.) Besides, who said people can only write dad-appreciating posts on one specific day a year? How silly that would be!

Anyway. I think I had written about this shortly after it happened, but it was in one of the posts I never ended up posting for this that and the other reason. Or maybe I did actually post about it. Anyway. The point is, a few weeks ago, Dad took me on a date. Apparently, when I decided to go to DC (which he really wanted me to do - not to get rid of me (I hope!), but because he knew it's what I should do and needed to do and was being called to do), he decided he had to take me to Mona Lisa, a fancy-shmancy classy fondue restaurant in Manitou Springs. (A ridiculously expensive place, I might add, but I tried to ignore that because he suggested it and he's the one who wanted to take me there. I do tend toward guilt, but I just tried to enjoy the experience this time.) So, there we went. And it was fun, and really yummy. Man, good stuff. And afterward I really wanted to go to this glass blowers shop across the street, just to look around because that stuff is so cool to see, and I pointed out how cool these earrings were, so he told me to pick out a pair. They were all sorts of kinds of animals. I decided on a pair of pigs, because they were cute. Anyway. It was fun. I have a great daddy, and I'm so thankful.

And then this week he fixed up one of the bikes we have in the garage so I'll have something to ride the 10miles of bike part of the triathlon on Sunday. And tonight when I finally took it out (man, I was rusty!), he helped me (or...he did it while I watched and held the bike...hehe) change and adjust the seat. I'm glad I have a dad who is so good with tools and all that stuff.

Speaking of the bike - man, that was almost pathetic at first. But after a few rides around, I'm starting to get the hang of it again, so that's good. I think I'll be ok for Sunday. I mean, dead tired afterward, but hopefully not dead during. Haha. I'm actually kind of excited to see how well I do. I have no idea how long triathlons take for normal, in-shape, trained-up people, but I'm thinking 2.5 hours would be fantastic. I think that might be a little bit of an overestimate, though, but who knows. Ok, I just tried to look up sometimes, and the long end of a sprint triathlon is like 2.25 hours or so. Well, whatever. Now I've looked up so much info that I've completely started to freak myself out about all of this, and I am questioning my ability to do it. Sigh. The bike I'm using is a mountain bike, which is apparently not optimal - but, again, it's not like I'm competing at all, so whatever. I have a bike, and that's what matters. I'm not about to go buy a different bike just for this. And I'm worried about what I'm going to wear, and how all that's going to work. Basically, I'm just all around ill-prepared. Sigh. I can't wait for Sunday afternoon.

I think I had other thoughts to share, but I just spent way too long googling all sorts of tri-related stuff, and now I need to go to bed. I'm allegedly going to the Y with my parents in the morning. Sigh. Oh well. At least when it's all over I can say I did it, right? Unless I don't finish. Then I can't. But the likelihood of that is pretty small, I think.

Ugh.

She comes back to tell me she's gone...

So, Jon and Kate are getting a divorce. I know it's all gossipy even to talk about this, but the whole thing has been so sad from the start. The one year I had easy access to cable (senior year of college), I started watching their show, and caught it fairly often. It was fun to watch, especially the earlier episodes. (I've heard that in the last year or more, it's turned a lot more into show after show of them going on free trips and getting all this stuff that turns the show into a great big commercial. The earlier years were more them just living, and that was interesting to watch.)

Anyway, obviously it's not really good or normal for a family to grow up with TV cameras in their faces, being given all sorts of stuff just because they're on TV and companies want the advertisement. And then when all this started coming out about Jon possibly cheating or whatever, the media latched on with all sorts of glee, delighted that this Christian family wasn't so perfect, and that there would soon be the ruins of another marriage to add to the number of those who give in and give up. (I know that sometimes divorce is maybe necessary, but in my opinion those cases are few and far between.) Everyone just seemed to excited that their marriage was troubled, "doomed," and it was like they found an opening in this marriage and proceeded to stick a crow bar in it, prying it open until the marriage was split apart.

Of course, the two in that marriage were the ones who made the decisions, who made the choices, who ultimately gave in to divorce, but I really think that had the media not gotten involved, detailing every single possible incident that could be used against either Jon or Kate, maybe they would have been more willing and/or able to work through their problems and not just turn to divorce like so many tend to do, and like so many wanted them to do.

Anyway. I know that ultimately it's the couple who decides. It's their choice, and it can't be blamed on anyone or anything else. But other things can have an effect on that stuff. And I'm sure that having cameras around them all the time, finding the fights that they had and highlighting those, really can't have helped their relationship at all.

And they have eight kids to think about, too. Those poor kids. Having so much of their lives documented for others' entertainment from the time they were born, practically, and now becoming yet more children of divorce. It's so sad.

Ok, that's all I'll gossip about today.

My love

Ok, so it's a park, but I still love it, ok?

Anyway.

I finally uploaded a couple new albums to my almost-forgotten-about PicasaWeb page.

First, from last weekend, a hike around Catamount Reservoir in Teller County - right next to Pikes Peak!

Second, pictures from my trip to Rocky Mountain National Park today. (I would actually post them on here, but I just spent my night uploading them to there, and then some on facebook. Which I never do, because for some reason I just find uploading albums on facebook to be long and tedious. Felt like doing it tonight, though. Maybe to share my joy of the loveliness that is Colorado. Because I think some people don't realize just how breathtaking it is. Right in our own backyard. Right outside. All the time. Not just in RMNP.) Twas lovely, and my goodness, I missed it. I need to go more often. I love that place. Love love love it. I'm trying to figure out if I can make it up there next month when they have the free weekend again - problem is, it's the same weekend that Gravity is planning on hiking Pikes Peak. But I'm considering doing that, then coming home and sleeping, and heading up to Estes Park really early the next morning so I can go to church there (I love that church), and then go into RMNP and explore part of the park I've never really ventured into (a souther part). Because I really love that place, and want to go again.

(I don't know if it'd work, but I really regret never attempting to work in a national park during one of my summer breaks. And I realized today that, hey, I'll have a summer break next year! And if that doesn't work, the year after that, possibly, if I can postpone a real job until after summer. I might try to see if I can do that. I have no idea if it'd work out. But I would love that. With every bit of my little mountain-loving heart. It's either that, or just go move up there. I think I'll do that, too. Seriously. I need mountain air in my lungs. My whole soul was just so happy once we were out of the bigger cities, and into the mountains, and even in Estes Park. I love that little town.)

(Also, I've been realizing how ridiculous it is that I've explored so little of this beautiful, 8th-largest state. I learned today that it's the 8th largest. I didn't know that before. Or I did, but forgot. Anyway. It's a big state, and I've seen about 3% of it. And there are a lot of mountains here, did you know that? I should really see more of it someday. Because did you know I love this state, and practically everything about it? Except the cities. I'm so done with cities. Too bad I'm about to move to a huge one for two years...sigh.)

Anyway. Obviously, it's a good thing that digital cameras were invented, because I like taking copious amounts of pictures. A plethora of pictures, if you will. Most of them looking similar, and similarly boring. Sorry. But people take lots of pictures of things they love, right?

Here's hoping this works...

Those kids are fun.

D(eliciously)C(onflicted)

The prospect of living in DC is both exciting and terrifying.

It's a big city. Lots of people. Lots of questionable people. Lots of great people, too, I'm sure, but I'm a girl, and a very cautious girl at that. I don't trust people out and about very much. Especially in public places like public transportation. But, I know many many people never really have problems, and I just have to pray that the same is true for me while I'm living there. (Actually, it looks like I'll be living in Silver Spring, which is in Maryland just outside DC. So maybe that will help.)

But it'll be exciting, too, I'm sure. Lots of great things go on in DC. I'll get to experience things I never would in Colorado. (Not that I'm exactly itching for lots of new experiences like some people do, but since I'll be there, might as well take advantage, eh?) So that's cool.

Of course, lately I've been thinking about my birthday. Maybe it's because several people I know have had recent birthdays, and more are coming up, and I can't help but think about the fun stuff I'd be able to do on my birthday if I were here again this year. I'd get cake or whatever at work, and maybe I'd have a party or do something fun like that. It's been awhile since I had a good birthday celebration with a bunch of friends. Not necessarily a party, but even just a fun get-together of some sort, somewhere. I've never "gone out for a drink" with friends (or without). Excluding Backer visits, of course, because that's something different entirely. Well, I guess a few of us did do something fun on my 22nd birthday...well, if going out to a bar/club I'm not entirely fond of (and didn't return to after that visit, except maybe once) can be considered "fun." But this year, once again, I'll be just starting at a new place, not really having gotten to know a lot of people yet. That's the trouble with an early September birthday. Beginning of the school year. I bet a lot of my parties (whatever parties I ever had) would look a lot different were I born in April instead of September. Hm. Oh well. It's just a birthday, after all, not that important. Maybe I should plan myself a pre-birthday/going away shindig sometime in August, and have a fun time with my friends. Except these things never seem as fun when they're planned specifically for a birthday, as opposed to throwing a birthday celebration onto something that's already going on. Yeah, that doesn't make sense. Nevermind. It makes sense in my head. Just ignore me.

Anyway. I can't believe I have two months left. Not very long. So crazy that it's all happening. I still don't know when I'm moving out there. Things are complicated by the fact that I'm in a friend's wedding that is on August 22, near Chicago, and I was hoping to go out there at least a few days early to hang out with her and some other friends who are living in Chicago, none of whom I've seen since last September when we went to the first ND game. But now that I think about it...I don't have to have the whole trip be before the wedding...I could go out a couple days before that, and then maybe stay a few days after with the non-married friends. That might make things a little easier. I could move to DC the weekend before the wedding, then fly from DC to Chicago maybe on Wednesday or so, then fly back to DC on Tuesday or Wednesday or something, and then orientation for school is Saturday the 29th. Interesting...It's funny, I'm used to going back to school the weekend before classes start, since that's what I always did at ND, living in the dorm and stuff. I had kind of thought I'd do that this time too, since I didn't really think about it that much. So now, considering moving out mid-August instead of late August makes me a little sad...I'll miss those extra days out here, the extra time to spend with those I love who will carry on their Colorado lives without me (and thus, a little more sadly). But it'll be good to have more time to get to know DC, and the girls I'll be sharing a house with, and all that. Time to explore DC! See the Smithsonian! Visit the monuments! Drown in humidity! (Sigh.)

Ah, see, I just need to find the good things about stuff, and not think about the parts that make me sad. It'll be ok. It's an adventure, an experience. Colorado will still be here. Things might be different when I come back, but I might be different too, so maybe it'll work out.

(Of course, thinking about all this - moving out there mid-August, settling in for a couple of days, and then going to Chicago for a week, one thing comes to mind - Nutmeg. I still don't know whether I'll be able to take her with me or not. Both taking her and not taking her seem like both the right and the not right choice. I mean, if I take her, I just don't know how things'll be out there - how much time will I have to spend with her, walk her, etc, will we have a place like Palmer Park where I can take her and let her roam around, and of course what will I do whenever I go out of town? If I don't take her, though, well firstly I'll miss her terribly, as I love having a dog around, and she's quite sweet. I know she loves it here and of course loves everyone here, so I think she'll be pretty much fine without me (much as I hate to admit that). I don't like the idea of letting go of the control over her that I have now, but I have to do what's right for her. But then I'll feel bad that I'm inconveniencing my parents (although I'm quite sure Dad won't be arguing with leaving her here - he loves her too. What can I say, I get my love of dogs from my daddy), and then what will happen to her when they go out of town or whatever? I hate the thought of her in a kennel. But I guess kennel time is almost inevitable no matter where she is. Not that either party (me or my parents) have a huge number of trips planned or anything. But yeah. I just don't want her to feel abandoned again, no matter what happens. She's had a tough enough life already as it is. She doesn't need that again, even if it's just an erroneously perceived abandonment. So anyway. (Of course, all this worrying might be moot, because I don't even know yet if I'll be able to take her - all depends on the place we rent, and how the other girls in the house feel about it.)

Well, whatever happens, whatever the outcome, God wants this DC thing to happen., apparently So happen it will. And hopefully I keep on the right track through it all, and can hear whatever it is God's telling me to do when there are decisions to be made.

(Oh, and I'm terrified I won't be able to handle the workload. I've never been a good studier - I've mostly just gotten by on my good looks and charm. Seriously, though, what if I can't do it? I guess the fact that it's a subject in which I'm exceedingly interested, hence why this is the only school to which I even really considered applying, might be helpful in this arena - it's easier to do the work for something when a person is actually interested in it. But I guess that's another post for another time.)

(And still no packet of further information. Which means still no clue what classes I'll be taking, how things work, no information on lots of stuff I want to know. I mean, even having the academic calendar for the coming year would be very very nice. That's still not even updated on their website yet. Ah, well, obviously they're pretty small, so things aren't going to move as quickly as a huge place like Notre Dame or something. It'd just be nice to get more information. But it's coming, I know. Eventually. I emailed them about it a week or two ago, and they said they'll be sending out the packets sometime this month. So every day, I excitedly check the mail hoping today will be the day. And it never is. But you know what? One of these days, it will be. And that will be an exciting day. And you'll hear about it.)

Two very, very sad stories

I came across these two articles today (via Danielle Bean and American Papist):

A woman decides to abort her baby after asking for advice, because she's about to start a rigorous grad program.

A couple loses their frozen embryo (meant to be a sibling to the six-year-old they previously conceived through IVF) because it was mistakenly implanted in another woman's womb who, when she found out, aborted the baby.

Children are not commodities to be thrown away when they're inconvenient. (Or to be created unnaturally because we want to, regardless of the dignity of life.)

It's so, so, so sad. The woman in the first link said that she would be too heartbroken to carry her child to term only to give it to someone else. So, instead, she's going to kill her child so that she can have the life she wants, right now, and give her hypothetical other, future children better lives. At the expense of their sibling's life.

The second link is a perfect example of how messed up all this creation and destruction is. Women who want children desperately enough to pay thousands upon thousands of dollars to have them created in labs, but woops, now the lab made a mistake and gave you the wrong embryo - so, logically, let's kill that child because it's not the one we wanted. Even though that woman is, presumably, desperate for a child. Maybe not that desperate - if it's not mine, it's not good enough. The fact that that embryo - a life, whether you accept it or not - has been sitting there for six years is also unfathomable. Do people realize what they're doing? Do people realize that those are lives there? Of course, I guess that's not even really the point. Many of these people do realize, at least to some extent, that they're lives, but seem to think that they're lives that matter only if they are wanted or are convenient.

Life isn't easy. It's not supposed to be. We're not all destined to get exactly what we want, when and where and how we want it. That's not the way life works.

And life is precious.

Rainbows and butterflies? Maybe not quite. But close enough.

I finally managed to wake up early this morning so I could take Nutmeg out and go for a run before work. I had wanted to build that into my routine months ago, a year ago even, with Hazel. I think I might have done it once or twice (walk, though, not run), but never managed to make it a habit.

I hope I can this time.

Well, for the next two months, at least, after which who knows what my schedule will look like.

(Seriously. No idea. Still haven't gotten that packet of information I'm supposed to get from the Institute. Patience is a virtue, right?)

Anyway, it was nice, going on that run. The air was so great. Nice and crisp, but not cold, and just lovely. And, we saw five deer. Always exciting. (Oh, speaking of which, that deer we saw at Palmer Park on Sunday that Nutmeg ran off after? Apparently not an isolated spotting. Dad saw one when he took her yesterday evening. Luckily, he saw it before she did and got her on the leash. But, uh, yeah.) And, I was in a good mood all day, probably at least in part due to the early morning run. (Also: I have housemates. Two of whom will be second year students at the Institute, one of whom will be a first year - all going as planned, anyway, we'll be housemates. The two second years are living out there, and are looking for a place - close to finding one. So that's exciting.)

I'm so scared to leave here because I don't know what or who I'll come back to. I know a lot of military people - will they still be around in two years? Doubtful. A lot of young adults move around. Will even many of my non-military friends be around in two years? Who knows. What about Gravity? What will it look like in two years? See, I don't mind myself going off and maybe changing, because I always know what to expect when I run into me again. But I don't like going away and having people back home moving and changing. Everything should stay the same until I'm back. That's the way it should be.

Alas, that's not life.

Anyway.

Really, life isn't too bad right now. Of course the future is scary - whose isn't? It'll work out. God has a plan, and hopefully I can listen to him and follow whatever that plan is. It's great.

And who knows, maybe there's some great, tall, solidly Catholic boy out there in DC who I'll end up with. Haha. One who wants to live in the mountains. (Yeah, not holding my breath for that one.)

Speaking of mountains, this weekend is one of three free weekends at the National Parks this summer. Because I miss Rocky Mountain National Park so much (it's been two! years! since I've been there!), and it looks like, if we do go camping this summer, it won't be up there, I decided I should just go up there myself sometime this summer. And this weekend's as good a time as any, right? So, unless something happens (and I always like to leave the possibility in my head that something'll happen), I'm gonna spend the day Saturday up there with Lauren. I'm excited, and I really hope we manage to make it happen, because I never do stuff like this, and I think it could be fun. You know, hopefully. And if it doesn't work out? Well, then, I'll just get to sleep in on Saturday as late as my little heart desires. Haven't really done that in awhile.

Speaking of which, I must to bed.

Damsels, indeed

A great (somewhat long, but worth it) read on Damsels in Distress, chivalry, etc. The topic of chivalry came up the other night with some friends, one of whom (a girl) said she doesn't like it when guys do things for her that she can do for herself, and often doesn't let them. It was then pointed out that it's because so many women think like that that guys aren't chivalrous anymore. Because women don't let them, there's no need for them to be chivalrous, so chivalry becomes what it is now - an old-fashioned sexist ideal. (I mean, it's definitely not sexist, but too many people erroneously view it as sexist.) Women are not men, people. We can't do the same things. We shouldn't do the same things. I mean, well, you know what I mean. I hope. Probably not though, I'm not very good at articulating my points.

Also, the post I linked to points out the problems I have with these tough-girl movies and TV shows. And it's just wrong to watch a man beat up and kill a woman, even if she's a bad guy, as happens in the last Die Hard movie. It goes against so much, in my opinion.

But, as becomes more and more clear every day, what I believe is quite counter to a lot of deeply-seated beliefs in our culture today. And I guess that's just the way it's gonna be, until I can manage to convert the world. Not too big a goal, is it?

Relief.

Today, buying Nutmeg that $8 name tag with my phone number on it got me my money's worth. We were at Palmer Park, doing our usual loop, and at one point she went off after a deer. I assume it was a deer, even though I've never seen one in the park before, because it looked like whatever she took off after was bigger than her and I could see its head above the grass and bushes and everything, going up and down like a running deer's would. So then Nutmeg was gone. And I had to decide if I should keep going on our typical path, which she knows (she sometimes goes off exploring to where I can't really hear the jingle of her tags on her collar, but she always manages to get back on the trail ahead of me), or if I should go after her in the direction I thought she had gone, in case she got way off the trail and got confused and discombobulated, or if I should go back the way we normally come in case she got back on the trail there somewhere. So for awhile I kind of ran around like a chicken with its head cut off, going here and there and back that way. Then I just went back the way we normally come, and went to the parking lot in the hope that she had made her way back there. Of course she hadn't, so I called Mom and asked her to come help me, since there are multiple branches and directions to the path in the area we always walk, and I couldn't cover them all at the same time, and what if I missed her on one side when I was on the other? So then I went back searching, this time starting in the direction we normally end, and then eventually I was right back where I had started, where I had lost her. Praying frantically the whole time. Thankful that at least I had that tag on her, assuming she found some people and hadn't fallen off one of the cliffs or something in the area, or worse, gotten out of the park and started wandering the streets of Colorado Springs. And then I got a call on my cell phone, a number I didn't recognize so automatically I almost ignored it. Then logic kicked in and I thought, maybe it's someone who found her. And indeed it was. She was was far away from the area we always walk, down by the stables that the park has, having apparently followed some woman down there. So I ran back to the car (I got in a lot of running during this whole time, which was funny because I hadn't planned on running much while there today), drove down the road that runs through the park, to the place where the lady said she'd wait with Nutmeg. And then there they were, and Nutmeg was safe and sound, but quite tired.

As it turns out, I think I probably should have kept on the path we normally go, because the direction that the stables are is the same direction we were headed (although waaaay farther than we go, and not on the same path). I'm thinking she probably got back on the path and then couldn't find me so just kept looking for me. But at the same time, maybe she ran off the path completely and just found another path with this lady on it and followed the human, because if she was looking for me, wouldn't she have headed back to the parking lot on our normal route? Hm. So who knows. Anyway. I'm just glad she was ok. And glad I had that tag on her. So glad.

Could have turned into an awful day. But ended up being quite a good day. Mom and Dad's 29th anniversary (yay!), we all went to see Up as a family, which was quite enjoyable, and Jason had a blast playing in the fountains outside of the theater afterward (I took some video of it, which I might post one of these days), and then some fun games of soccer and volleyball, followed by dinner. Good times. Good people here. Also, Colorado is amazing. I love its mixture of mountain, plains, and desert (although sometimes a little too desert-y for me, but definitely not lately. Rain almost every day, at least a little bit! Like summers here growing up, when we would have afternoon thunderstorms and rain almost every day. Like clockwork). I just love it. The wonderful-smelling air (all those wildflowers and grasses and everything), especially after a rain, the lack of humidity, everything. I just love it so much and I hope and pray that God wants me to come back here after grad school. I don't like that he's calling me away for another two years, but he is, so I just hope that's it, and he's planning on me coming back here after that. To what end, who knows, but I just need to be here. Or, I really hope so, anyway.

Well. Mayhap the gym in the morning. We'll see. As far as the tri goes, I think the swimming is what I'm most concerned about - not that I can't, but that I'm not much for stamina at this point (although, last time I went - last week - I did manage to go four lengths without stopping, and that was only the second time I had gone in many years). Apparently, though, a lot of it ends up being dog paddling, just because there are so many people in the water and whatnot. I really hope they shorten it again like they did last year, though, because that would just be super nice. I think the biking will be ok, and the running will (at the very least, I can walk there if I have to), but I may be saying something different after doing all three at once...oh well. I'll do it, at the very least. Not trying to win anything here, anyway. So yeah. Anyway. I think I'll go to the gym and do some biking, maybe. Well, we'll see.

Goodnight, either way.

Sneaky sneaky

I need to write a real post about this weekend/today (nothing exciting, mostly me just giddily describing beautiful things like the mountains and deer and lightning storms on the plains at night), but I'm tired and must get to bed, so I'm only going to share this with you, because otherwise I'll forget.

I just ate a bowl of ice cream, and put the bowl down for Nutmeg to lick out once I had finished. While she was, I was looking around for the cup of water I thought I had refilled and brought back when I got my ice cream, and couldn't find it. Then I looked and saw it still up there on the counter. (Still empty, as it turns out.) So then like two minutes later, Nutmeg wanted to go outside (pre-bedtime pee, or something), and I was going to bring the bowl with me and put it in the dishwasher while I was up letting her out. But it had disappeared! It was nowhere in the room where I'm sitting, where I had put it down for her. After I let her out, I went to the living room (where she has rule of the couch, her den of sorts, where she tends to take treats we give her and such, not to mention her collection of toys), and I found the bowl, and my spoon a few feet away. I guess she managed to take the bowl to the other room without me noticing, even though I had noticed her licking it out in here. Just so she could finish in her den, or something. Who knows with her.

So, that was weird, but pretty Nutmeg. And now she's asleep in her crate and looking all cute. She's pretty fun, I must admit.

And now, to bed for moi.

Marks the spot

I missed this one somehow last week when I did that post with Nutmeg pictures. I guess I did get one with her looking at the camera. She looks kinda pissed though. And I look kinda drunk/high. And my stupid huge wide jaw.

Anyway. Funny story about Nutmeg. She likes to mark. Like crazy. As often as possible. Wherever she can. And yes, she is a she. Normally (I thought) only boys do this. Dogs, that is. Oddly, though, this isn't the first girl dog we've had that's marked. Pebo, who we had from (my) age 7-17 or so, picked up this trait from a boy dog down the street she used to visit sometimes. She would squat and lift her leg, and mark occasionally. (She also would hump Kebbie, our other dog, which I assumed was also something she picked up from this boy dog. But then Hazel had a tendency to hump things, too, mostly Dad's leg, and he let it happen because he thought it was funny. So I have no idea where that came from.) I don't know where Nutmeg picked this up from, though. And she marks a lot more than Pebo did, I think. Because she marks a lot. Even more when we're at Palmer Park and she's off-leash. She'd probably mark a lot more on our walks through the neighborhood if I stopped and let her sniff every time she stops and sniffs something. Or, every time she wants to, at least. But anyway.

Sometimes she gets these really weird positions going on. I've seen her, on several occasions, get into position with one back leg up in the air (sometimes she's squatting, sometimes just leg-lifting) and then sort of hop on that one back leg that's down to get just right over the spot she wants to mark. The weirdest thing I've seen her do, so far, happened yesterday. We were walking on a street near my house, and she stopped to mark this one bush or something. Typical. But then she hopped so that her two back legs were both up in the air, and hopped more to get herself situated the way she wanted, and then didn't put either back leg down. So she stood there on only her front legs for a few seconds, marking the spot. It was hilarious. And weird.

She's a weird dog, that one. And she jumps a lot. It's pretty funny when she's on the leash and she smells/sees a deer, or sees a squirrel or some other animal and wants to go chase it. She does these weird leaps, sometimes just straight up in the air, and she can get some pretty good air too. It's impressive, and funny.

Anyway. I'm done now.

You can thank me later.

I made a purchase a few days ago. It wasn't an expensive purchase, but it took me awhile to go ahead and do it, because I tend to be like that. (Except when I go to Target, it seems, where I go hog-wild crazy. That's why I need to start staying away from Target.)

Anyway.

I highly recommend this purchase, and that's why I'm about to share it with you.

Are you ready?

You sure?

Ok. Here we go.

The 99 Most Essential Pieces of Classical Music.

You're welcome.

Seriously, dudes and dudettes. It's $8. For 99 songs. That's like...8 cents a song or something. Which means that even if you don't like everything in there, heck, you only paid 8 cents for it! I mean, it's got some great stuff - Bolero (the full-length, 18 minute version!), Hungarian Dance no. 5 (which only a select few will truly appreciate), O Fortuna, Adagio for Strings (seriously. One of the greatest pieces of music. Although, this isn't the best version I've ever heard, but even not the best is still great. Hearing it in person, though, is really something everyone should experience. Preferably not by a non-professional orchestra, too.), Carnival of the Animals, Rhapsody in Blue, etc etc etc. And even the ones I don't know, or don't know that well, are still great to have on in the background while working, or going for a walk and marveling in God's beauty, or knitting, or whatever you're doing.

Seriously, though. If you enjoy classical music, or enjoy relaxing music, or want to get into classical music, or...anything, download this CD. I mean, come on, $8. For almost 100 songs. That's hours of listening right there.

Seriously.

This music? Goes great with big tall storm clouds.

Which turn into beautiful sunsets.

Be jealous.

My sunsets are better than yours.

And Indian Paintbrushes. Because they're pretty. And one of the fields by my house has a ton of them, and I like them.

Anyway. So, to sum up. Be jealous of the scenery I enjoy every day (unless you can enjoy it too, in which case, why aren't you???), and go download that CD. You know, if you like good music.

You might not know this about me

...but I get really, really stressed out when there are people near me that are talking in hushed tones, obviously in an attempt to make sure their conversation isn't heard by everyone. It really stresses me out. I feel alternately bad that I'm around and within earshot, even if I can't really hear what they're saying, just that they're talking, and also annoyed that they're having at least a semi-private conversation within earshot of others.

I can't handle the stress.

I don't want to listen, because obviously it's none of my business, but a part of me is curious, and sometimes I accidentally can make out parts of the conversation. It's just all very stressful.

People shouldn't have private conversations where others might be able to hear them. That is all.

(I'm waking up at...let's say 5:30, so that I can be at the gym at 6:15. This is ridiculousness, people. I can't wait until I'm done this stupid triathlon. The running isn't bad because I can do that anywhere, but the swimming and biking requires the gym, since I don't really have a good bike at the moment, plus I wouldn't choose to go biking anyway even if I did. Hard to bike with a dog. Possible, but I'm not sure if it's very smart with my dog. So anyway. I'm not a big gym fan, and will be glad when the stress of knowing I have to go at least a couple more times to be semi-adequately prepared is no more.)

Ugh. I have to figure out what I need to bring with me tomorrow morning. All my get-ready-in-the-morning supplies. Tomorrow's going to be a long day. This is already a long week. I want it to be done.

Fog >>>>> Phones

So, I haven't been able to think of anything to write about lately. Maybe because I don't want to express much these days. Not sure.

Anyway. I'll talk about phones.

I've decided that, much like those people who are lactose intolerant, my dislike of phones is the natural state of things as they should be. I mean, humans went through thousands of centuries without phones. They're fairly recent in the big scheme of things. Letters, however (or their modern-day equivalent of emails, text messages, and such), have been around in some form or another for almost as long as humans have. Those who have adapted to phones are the weird ones.

(Plus, sometimes it's so much harder to get in touch with people with phone calls vs messages. Many times when I call people, they don't even answer, and a long game of call tag ensues. With email, for example, either party can respond whenever it's convenient, and the conversation can keep moving. Much more efficient. Sometimes.)

Well, that's my story. I can't help it. Even phone conversations with my friends are sometimes almost torturous for some reason. Sometimes there's a bad connection, sometimes people are just far too quiet on the phone or it's hard to understand them for one reason or another so I'm left just pretending that I know what they're talking about, and then there's always the fun periods of silence which inevitably happen when anyone talks to me. Talking=not my favorite pasttime. So. There.


Also, completely unrelated, I'm so happy that Conan is back on TV. It's just like his old show (except I miss the old set, and I like New York better than California. As a setting, at least. Not sure I like either place that much), except an hour earlier! Which means I'm much more likely to watch it! So, it's pretty fantastic. Have I ever mentioned how much I love Conan O'Brien? Because I do.

And, um, a picture.
I took this picture a little over a month ago, one Saturday that was particularly wonderfully foggy. The picture below is (around) what this shot normally looks like, within a few feet.


I love fog so much. I mean, when it's foggy, there's not a great view of the mountains (or, um, any view), but fog has a way of casting a mystical beauty over everything that gives me a sense of deja vu of things I've never actually seen or experienced. Hard to explain, but I kind of love it. Or, really love it. I mean, in the fog picture above, it was the coolest thing to see that. Normally at that spot of Palmer Park, it's at the edge of the park so it's got a great view for miles north, south, and west (which would be the mountains). But this particular day, the fog was so thick I couldn't even see the rather large, busy streets that butt up against the park. I couldn't see anything past that rock, basically. It was like looking out into nothingness. Like there was just nothing there. It was pretty cool.

Basically, what I'm trying to say is, I love fog. It turns this:
into this:
And there's this, too:


Mmm. Lots more where those came from. Maybe someday I'll get around to uploading my pictures online somewhere. Not that they're really worth looking at. But whatever.

Good at writing. Not at posting.

Nothing I have to say lately seems like it's worth posting. Or I don't feel like letting people in. Or I don't want to offend people by saying things. So I write these posts, then just don't post them, and then they just sit there accumulating in the "drafts" section.

So, let's see...

I knit my first baby bootie last night. The pattern I used definitely needs to be altered a bit, I guess maybe because of the yarn I used? because it turned out a bit longer than most newborn baby feet. But it was my first shot, and I followed the pattern fine, so I'm pretty satisfied with it as a prototype just to see. The pattern also has a matching baby hat, so I'm going to try that this weekend too. They're pretty simple (boring) patterns, though, so I may or may not do some more searching for other patterns. But, thanks to a coworker (who got me into this in the first place), I now have tons and tons of yarn with which to create many baby booties and hats.

I'm running a real, legit 5k tomorrow, the Walk for Life sponsored by our local Life Network. So...that'll be interesting. Especially because it's almost midnight, I'm ridiculously exhausted, and ran much more than that this evening (first with Nutmeg around the neighborhood, almost 5k, then playing ultimate frisbee. Which, dude. The running. Crazy, that game is). My plans for the rest of the day include: napping. knitting. calling people about a potential living situation out in DC (which, by the way, is oh so stressful for me. Why does calling people make me feel so incredibly stressed? What is it about using the phone that just is so...stressful? I don't get it. It's ridiculous, the amount of stress even just thinking about calling someone causes me. Ridiculous, I tell you). watching more of Robin Hood season 2. maybe doing laundry if I have time/inclination/no one else is doing theirs. (I just wrote "theres". So, there. I make mistakes too.) Yeah, I'm planning a pretty awesome day.

If I had a million dollars, I'd supply my closet with clothes (specifically dresses and skirts, as that's all I looked at) from this site. Goodness those are some cute things, and below knee-length, too! But the prices? Eesh. Definitely don't have the means for that. I might also add going to Ross and/or Goodwill to my list for tomorrow, maybe. I've wanted a jean skirt for like five years now. And still don't have one. I'd like one of those and maybe a khaki skirt, because it's a lot easier to coordinate shirts with jeans or khaki than it is colored or pretty print skirts. Both have their advantages, of course.

Do you ever wonder if you're in the background of some random person's picture from somewhere? Because I do. And it kinda freaks me out.

Um...yeah. That's all, I guess.

Impatient.

I've figured out one of my problems. I am looking forward to DC and grad school and all that. I'll be learning, hopefully, how to debate, argue, inform, and teach one of the most important (and most misunderstood) areas of life in society today. It'll be good for me, and hopefully I can turn that into good for society, too, somehow. It'll be two years away from the place and people I love, but really, it's only like 20 months, and hopefully maybe I'll be able to be home at least a chunk of next summer. (That's all...waaaaay theoretical, because I simply have no idea how things will go for next summer.) So that stuff isn't really my problem.

My problem is...the summer. I'm leaving in, at the latest, about 2.5 months. I'll have my life in DC, and everyone here will have their lives keep going. As it should be, of course, and that's the way it is. But now I'm sort of in this middle area. I'm not gone, but I will be soon, and I keep getting closer to people and having lots of fun here that's making me realize how hard it'll be to leave it all again. I don't want to stop having fun and enjoying myself here, but I also don't want to make it even harder for me to leave. So basically it's like two months of torturing myself (I mean, not really, but maybe you know what I mean).

Anyway. I'm not the type who likes to linger. At least in this case. Maybe sometimes I do. But I don't think so. I just want to get there and get started so I can learn what I'm going to learn, do what I'm gonna do, and then get back here to the place I love, where I live and breathe and...exist, where I need to be. I hope. In two years.

I wonder who I'll be in two years.

Yep.

The scene in Sound of Music, during the party that Captain von Trapp throws when the Baroness is in town, where the Captain and Maria dance - man, that's a good scene. Haha. What girl wouldn't love to be her at that moment?

Captain von Trapp = greatness.

In my humble opinion, of course. (And that doesn't count for much.)


Oh, also, movies should re-introduce that soft lens/filter effect. Except it probably wouldn't really work too well in most movies these days. Ah, well.