Just for kicks while I'm gone this week

(and watch the other movements too - I love this song)












(Perhaps my favorite two seconds of ANY song ever is in this song - at 1:43-1:44ish. Gets me every time.)


There. A few wonderful, lovely songs. Mmm. I could listen to this stuff all the time. (And the first one is just fun to watch.)

Posting out of obligation

Let's see, what happened this week...

The Obama/ND thing made it to mainstream news, even cnn.com on the front page (one of those headlines on the side of the main headline). Over 200,000 people have signed that Notre Dame Scandal website petition. It's pretty crazy. But in the end, I'm sure it'll be all for naught. But who knows what could come of this, even though Obama will still be speaking at graduation.

Ummmmm...

I guess nothing much major happened. Well, we finally got a blizzard, which counts as at least a pretty good snowstorm (even though we didn't really get that much snow here - just at most five inches. Some areas of town got more, but "officially" I don't think it was much). That was fun. I took Nutmeg for a walk at like 10pm Thursday night. I love love love going for walks at night when it's snowing or has been snowing. It's so light out, and so still, and so nice. Magical. Ethereal. There's nothing else like it.

This weekend I went up to Breckenridge with some friends. It was pretty fun. Gorgeous, of course, especially with all the fresh snow up there. And beautiful mountains. Man, I really need to move up to the mountains someday. Sigh. Anyway. Two of my friends got engaged this weekend! (To each other.) That was pretty exciting. (Another acquaintance, a facebook friend from school, also got engaged this weekend. Hm.) Also, the house where we stayed was RIDICULOUS. TVs in like every room, one of those "smart houses" with a central computer thing so you can control the lights and have music in any room and put the shades up or down by computer, or even turn on the fire, anything. It was crazy. But very nice, and fun to stay in! And did you know that they make TVs now with a DVD player built in to the side? I guess most people probably knew that. I'm sort of technologically slow, though. I mean, I was the last person I know to switch to CDs from cassettes, and to DVDs from VHSes. Etc. I still have my old 13" tube TV (with a built-in VHS player, thank you very much), bunny ears and all. No plans to upgrade. But whatever.

I also worried for a few days that I had lost my credit card somewhere (realized I didn't have it Friday on the way up to Breckenridge, when we stopped for gas before hitting the interstate, and it wasn't the one place I thought it might be). I knew I had used it Wednesday night, but couldn't remember what I did with it if I didn't put it in my purse like I always do. Tried not to worry about it. Said a prayer or two to St Anthony over the weekend. Even cleaned out my purse thinking maybe it might have just slipped somewhere random. Didn't find it there, but at least I cleaned it out, and that's a good thing. When I got home, I had no idea really where to look, and then noticed a bag on my bed. And then I remembered I had bought some books at work on Thursday. And used my credit card. So I checked the bag, and lo and behold, for some reason my credit card was in there. (Thursday was a weird day - the impending blizzard, and we left early once the blizzard hit, and just weirdness all around. Although I don't know why that means I put my card in the bag with the books, but whatever.) Glad I found it, and didn't have to cancel it and go through that stuff again. (I just activated this card like a month ago, because my bank canceled my other one in case it had been "compromised" when a bunch of people's cards were compromised back in Feb or something.)

Hm. I wish I had something more substantial or interesting to write about. But my life isn't that substantial or interesting. I could talk about how I felt pretty lonely all weekend because I was pretty much the only one there (out of 14 total people staying at the house) who wasn't married/engaged/serious/dating to some degree. I knew most would be, but I didn't know all would be. And while I still had fun, because they're all pretty fun people, at the end of the day I just felt like they're all part of this club that I desperately want to be in but never will be, you know? I mean, maybe someday, but it just seems like God keeps telling me no at every turn. And one of these days, I'm going to have to get the hint and give up. Or maybe he's just continually telling me that in an attempt to herd me in a certain direction that's not...here.

Anyway. I don't know. Or I do and I'm fighting it with every ounce of strength I have. I'm a little bit scared that it's the latter...

Well. What I do know is that I like knitting. I have three afghans I want to make in the next few months, and I started one on Thursday. Not sure how it'll turn out yet, but I hope it'll turn out well. And I have a few other things I'm excited to try. Afghans take a lot of time, though, and it'll be a bit of a crunch to get a couple of them done in time. So other projects (that I haven't started yet, and a random scarf for no one that I'm already at least half done) must to be put on the backburner. It's all good though, because any knitting is always good.

I would put up some pictures (it's been quite awhile), but my camera and the cord are upstairs, I'm lazy, and I'm tired. And just because I can be on the Internet on Sundays definitely doesn't mean I should stay on until midnight. So I'm just going to sign off now, and...yeah. Maybe pictures next week or something.

Why would anyone ever choose to be Catholic?

Man, there's a lot going on these days.

Ok, people. The rules of the Church are not created by one single " old celibate man" (the Pope). Those who believe this don't understand that the rules of the Church have been around for millenia, and that the "rules" are inspired by the Holy Spirit. They're not created out of thin air by humans. Oh, and also, Jesus had a big hand in creating those "rules", and he was a celibate man, so maybe people who use that line of argument should go directly to the source...

You may have heard the big ol' stink made by people who just don't know regarding some comments that the Pope made about condoms and AIDS and Africa and all that. Of course those criticizing him got lots of airtime (or CNN headline time, or whatever) because it's lots of fun to point out everything wrong that the Church does. Apparently, the whole reason AIDS is still around is because the Catholic Church doesn't give condoms to those in Africa. Thus people are just having sex without condoms. Nowhere do people accept the proven fact that AIDS numbers have declined in places where the focus was abstinence and fidelity, and not safe sex ed and condoms. The places that have used safe sex ed and condoms have not seen a decline. So, clearly, we just need to throw more condoms at the problem, right? I'm sick of people refusing to look at the facts and just going straight to the emotional argument. The same thing happens with embryonic stem cell research. Thus far, this research has managed to help cure exactly zero diseases, while adult stem cells have been used to help many, many people and diseases. But if we just pump more money into it, and kill a few millions more babies along the way, maybe eventually they'll get somewhere!

Ahem.

Sorry.

So, Tuesday was St. Patrick's Day. I'm not a big partier (shocker, I know), but I did enjoy driving home and seeing all sorts of people - walking their dogs, driving in cars with the windows down, etc - wearing green. Some were probably coincidental, but it's fun when lots of people all get on board with stuff like that. Silly, but fun.

Nutmeg has a tapeworm. Or, had a tapeworm. She'd been doing the butt-scoot that dogs sometimes do from the first day we got her, and when I took her to the vet the following Wednesday just for a check-up, they figured that it was just the typical thing that causes dogs to do that. (Sorry to be gross, but it involves anal glands.) So they did what would normally take care of that problem, and said she'd probably stop doing it in a couple days. Well, fast forward a few weeks when she had to go back for booster shots, and she was still doing it. They decided maybe it was infected, so we got some antibiotics to give her. They got a stool sample to check for worms, but that came out negative. Apparently whatever they do to test for worms often misses tapeworm, because it's somewhat a different thing.

Well, last weekend I was walking her, and noticed - not for the first time - something...perhaps I shouldn't go into detail here, but anyway, I googled it when I got home and the immediate consensus from most of the results was that it's probably a tapeworm. We had already scheduled her for Tuesday because, despite the antiobiotics which should have cleared things up by then if it was what they though, she was still scooting. When Dad took her on Tuesday, he said we suspected tapeworm, and the vet immediately agreed (thanks also to the thing I had noticed a few days before). Luckily, all it takes is a pill and a half that we gave her that night, which apparently breaks up the skin of the tapeworm (which keeps it from getting digested), and then it can be digested. We have to give her something next week, too, just to ensure it's gone. I haven't seen her scoot now since Wednesday morning, and she's a lot more energetic and seems happier. So all's well that ends well. And for her to get it again, she'd have to ingest a rodent or something that had eaten an egg sac of a tapeworm. Or something to do with fleas. (The vet checked her to make sure she didn't have fleas, and she doesn't, so that's good.) But seeing as how she was apparently abandoned, it's not unlikely that she ate some sort of rodent or roadkill or something at some point and could have picked it up. Hopefully she doesn't do that here...haha.

In other news, on Friday I found out that I was accepted to the JPII Institute in DC. This is good news, objectively, except it really throws a kink into...well, pretty much everything. Yeah, I applied, and at some point was excited about the prospect of going (although I'm not sure how excited I was by the time I applied). But since I turned in the application, I've kind of...gone another way. One of the people at the store will be leaving in May, and I after some thought and prayer, I requested that I be considered for her position instead of my current one (which is fine, but it's one that doesn't much work to my best skills and abilities, and thus my confidence that I'm doing anything useful isn't very high). So I will be moving to that job within the next month or so, and I'm excited about it. (It'll involve, for one, being out in the store more often - which means windows! - and moving around instead of just sitting at a computer all day.) But now, if I actually seriously consider this grad school thing, it'll really mess things up. About 95% of me doesn't want to go - I'm looking forward to starting a new position at my company, I have made some great friends here over the last year that I don't really want to leave, much as I think CS is getting too big I know that DC is even bigger - plus less mountainous, I don't want to be away from my family again (though I'd be quite close to Peter and Sara), I don't want to deal with relocating yet again, and then again in two years when I finish, etc etc etc.

Mom and Dad think I need to do it. They called it a mission, and they think it's something I'm called to do. And then there's the fact that a couple weeks ago, a priest I was talking to said something about looking at the reasons between picking one decision over another - are all the "pros" of the preferred decision, or cons of the less desired one, selfish reasons? If I really think about it, that's true of me right now, not wanting to go to DC. Not entirely - a big part has to do with work, and not wanting to waste their time, or whatever. So I just don't know. And they give me less than a month to decide - I got the letter on Friday, the 20th, and have to respond by April 14. A bit different than undergrad, where I had gotten acceptance letters either in December (the ones I applied to early) or March-ish (I think it was mid-March...), and had until May 1 to decide. Bleh. I don't know. I just don't know. Nothing ever seems like the right answer.

Anyway.

You know what? The devil is really good at attacking us. Individually, as a country, as a world. And man is he doing a bang-up job these days. It's just...everywhere. It sucks, but that's life. I guess it's pretty much been that way since we got here. It's just hard for me to accept that a majority of people simply aren't going to live the way God calls all of us at least to try to live. I mean, I suck at actually doing it, but I don't completely reject it either. I hate that some people do, and that the world is full of those who are going to be completely against whatever the Church teaches. Or so apathetic that they might as well be against it.

And then there's Notre Dame, which seeks to be both Catholic and a university, putting university ahead of Catholicism by picking vehemently pro-abortion Obama, many of whose policies are shockingly anti-Catholic that I can't believe my alma mater would even consider giving him the honor inherent in inviting him to be the speaker and giving him an honorary degree. It's ridiculous. It needs to be fixed, but I'm not sure how (I'm sure revoking the invitation is out of the question). It makes me so very glad I graduated last year.

Ok. Enough of that. Again, I'm sorry. I just...it's a frustrating world. And I just noticed that there's a Planned Parenthood near my house, which I drive by every day on my way to and from work. I don't know why the knowledge of its existence makes any difference, because it was there before I noticed it, but for some reason having one so much closer to where I live and work just really makes me sad. I knew there was one way down in Old Colorado City, but maybe it's so far away that I don't really have to think about it much. I don't know.

Time to end this, until next week. I miss blogging whenever, and keeping up on blogs throughout the week. But I guess if it were easy, it wouldn't be enough of a sacrifice.

I hope it's a good week. This coming weekend I'm going up to Breckenridge with people from the young adult group I help with. Many of them are planning on skiing, but I'm just going to enjoy Breckenridge. No skiing for Susie. I do feel a little guilty leaving Nutmeg for the weekend, but more because of my parents than for her. She'll be happy enough without me, but I feel like I'm shirking my duties a little bit. And I'll miss her. But it'll be ok.

So...until next Sunday, I guess.

Just a quick break

I know it doesn't exactly warrant a blog post during my Lenten blog fast, but today Notre Dame announced that Obama will be giving the commencement address this year at graduation. My thoughts: I'm glad I graduated last year and will not be forced to sit through that, the culmination of my $140,000 education; I'm disgusted that my school, which I thought was getting back on the right track as far as its Catholicity goes, would openly invite the most pro-abortion president we've ever had to give the commencement address, and would honor him by giving him an honorary degree; and I have no idea at all what they were thinking.

I hate that my alma mater is doing this. I hate it. It's so ridiculous I can't even believe it. How could they purport to be Catholic and in line with the Church while honoring this completely anti-life president? It's not like they have every president come and speak at graduation. Clinton never did, as far as I know. Bush did, in 2001 (which, for the record, was before the war, if you have an issue with Bush and his war policies which admittedly weren't exactly in line with Catholic teaching). Senior Bush did, I think. I know Reagan did at some point. But it's not every president. And not every president gets an honorary degree - this is the ninth they've given to a president. And it's ridiculous. And I'm pissed about this, and completely disappointed, and I just don't know what's going on with that place. Occasionally they make a few baby steps forward in the right direction, but then they go and do something like this which is just a huge jump backward. Ugh.

Ok. I just had to get this out, because it's been bothering me (to put it lightly) all day. I work hard to defend my school in the eyes of many Catholics who see it as less than solidly Catholic. I can't defend it when it does something like this, though.

Not a very interesting question, but it's something

I want to keep up with this question of the week thing (it's fun getting comments! Doesn't happen a lot), but I couldn't think of anything controversial or good that I cared to ask. (I mean, I could open up the comments to something like "what are your thoughts on embryonic stem cell research" or "What do you think about contraceptive use", but I'm not really struggling with those questions so frankly I don't care what you think. I know what I believe (and what the Church teaches, the Church who is far smarter than I am), and I know the other side of the argument, so there it is. But hey, if you'd like to tell me what you think and why, go right ahead. I won't stop you.

I decided on something probably far more boring, which will result in far fewer comments, but that's ok. It's something. Tell me: If you had to choose between moving away somewhere to have the job of your dreams, but you'd be living in a new city where you knew no one, or staying where you are around family and friends and whatnot in a job you're maybe not crazy about, which would you pick? Family or job? And WHY. haha. For the record, this one is a bit difficult for me to answer, because I don't really have a dream job. My dream "job" involves having a family. Until I have that, though, I see no reason to move away from my family and what I know to chase something that doesn't really exist. (Not that I am weighing this decision right now or anything, just for the record.) Family is uber important to me, and a job is...well, it's important, but nothing replaces family. This is, of course, coming from someone who hopes she won't be in the "working world" for the rest of her life. So yes. Family or job?

BONUS QUESTION: If you don't like that one, or like leaving comments, tell me what you think about angels. Do they exist? Do you ever think about them? Do you depend on them for things? Do you think they're silly figments of our imaginations? (It might be interesting to include your religious background, if you want, just as a sort of reference point. But you don't have to.)

Or just stir up the pot with any sort of controversial topic of your choosing. Sometimes those are fun.

Ahh, back to blogging, where I can't get interrupted or ignored

See, I don't have anyone who has to listen to every inane thought that comes into my head (or even the few that I let trickle out, mostly on this blog). That's why I blog. I get too overwhelmed in conversations with lots of people, so I don't say much. Especially because when I do say something, the chances I'll be interrupted are pretty durn good. And I don't have someone who likes me enough where I can just sit and share all this random stuff with, stuff I can't get out elsewhere. (And I realize even those who have "someone" can't just say all the random things that pop into their heads at all hours of the day. But at least there's a designated "someone" who at least has to pretend to listen to those inane factoids. Whom it's natural just to call up for nothing in particular. I guess friends can occasionally fill that role too, but when they also have "someone", it's not the same. Maybe if I were, like, totally BFF with one particular person, for whom I was also, like, totally BFF, that would work. I've never had that though. So.)

Anyway.

That's why I like to blog. And that's why I blog so much and so often. And that's why I'm really missing it during Lent. Something related to middle child syndrome, or whatnot.

Thanks for all the interesting comments on my last post. Apparently I'm going on a double date/blind date on Saturday with a coworker of my brother-in-law, and him and my sister. He's not Catholic but is apparently a great, wonderful person with very good morals. So, we'll see how it goes.

Oh, so the most interesting thing to happen to me this past week (which was super long, by the way, annoyingly so) was Monday night, I had gotten back from taking Nutmeg to her first training class and had settled myself on the couch with some new knitting and such, and had turned on the fire, and some show had just started (it was just after 9pm at the time my story starts). All of a sudden, the power goes out. In the whole house. The TV, the lights, the fan on the fire, everything. Luckily the fire stayed on (it's gas) and gave me a little bit of light, and I had my cell phone with me so I could use that immediately too. But the first thing I thought was, you know, horror movie setting, someone cuts the power to the house so they can sneak up on me and kill me easily. I went to the window and looked out the back to see if a streetlight down the street a bit was on, and I couldn't see it, so by this time I had gotten a candle lit (luckily I had a nice yummy-smelling one near where I was sitting at the time, and I fumbled around a bit to find some matches, but I got it lit) and I went to the front to look at the street light out the front window, and it was out, and no lights were on in any houses in the neighborhood so I figured it was neighborhood-wide, and thus someone wasn't trying to kill me. So I went up to my room, got a few more candles, brought them downstairs, and settled myself back on the couch with some candles. Tried to knit, but it was a little too dark for that. Oh, I was home alone (except for Nutmeg) because my parents were in Vegas all week and my brother was at trivia. Wouldn't have been scary other than that. Lasted about 45 minutes total. It was verrrry quiet. Weird.

Anyway, so that's my story of the week. Oh, also, on Thursday night, I was watching Jeopardy (tournament of champions, heck yes!), and the final jeopardy category was "French Classical Music". When I saw that I was all...eh. But then I saw the question, and it had something to do with a repeating theme, over and over, in C major, hitting a climax at 17 minutes. I guessed Bolero (because it basically repeats the same thing over and over - something I really hate in regular songs, like Hey Jude at the end, where I just want to take the song and say "Enough already! We get it!", but for some reason I love it in Bolero - and it is pretty long), one of the greatest songs ever, and that was the answer! It was great. The two guys on that night got it wrong, and the girl (who was winning anyway) got it right. For some reason I got all excited about it, and it pretty much made my week, and again there was no one home to share it with me. Haha. Oh well.

Peter and Sara (brother and sister-in-law) are moving to Virginia tomorrow. So that sucks. I took the day off work, and I hate that it's my third day off already this year. First day off was because I took off the day Hazel died, since I was pretty much a mess all day. The other one was when I got my wisdom teeth removed. And now tomorrow, to help Peter and Sara pack and move and stuff and to say goodbye. So, I'm concerned that I'm using up all my vacation time for stuff like this, and no vacationing. Of course, only one of those I've taken as a paid day, so... Hopefully there won't be any more days off for the next few months. My friend is getting married in August, and I'm in the wedding, so I'm hoping I'll be able to take off that Thursday and Friday. And maybe a Friday somewhere in the summer to go camping. But I don't know. It's tough, this work thing with no breaks. I will never understand workaholics. I mean, I understand working hard to do a job well done, but come on, we all need a break now and then. And I know, poor little Susie, complaining about not having a break from her job, when tons of people don't even have jobs right now. So I'm not really complaining, I'm just...talking. I'm very grateful for my job.

Oh, and I'm sad that they're moving, obviously. I hate not having family members nearby, especially in this case because who knows when (or if) they'll ever move back. I hope they will, but for the next x number of years it's sort of up to the army. Sigh. Luckily they're planning on coming back for a visit in May, and hopefully we won't go years without seeing them, but it still sucks. I like having my family all together. Most people do, I'm sure, but all I have are my immediate family, since we've never had extended family nearby. Not for the last 20 years, anyway. I dislike that, too (it's almost bizarre to me to hear about friends who get together with their whole families every Thanksgiving/Christmas/enter holiday here. My extended family does do that, but obviously we don't really take part, typically. It's quite a haul to get out there). So anyway. I don't have anything else, so I like to hang onto my family as much as possible, you know? Maybe someday I'll have my own family and it won't be so much a big deal to make sure all of us siblings (and my parents, obviously) get together on holidays. For now, they're all I've got.

Everything seems so out of whack lately. It all just feels...wrong. Or just not quite right, I guess. Just off. I don't like it. I don't know what needs to be adjusted to get everything back in alignment. Maybe re-alignment the way it was is now impossible. Also, I hate taking days off because it messes with my routine and I feel like I'm missing something if I take a day off that no one else does. I don't like that. I don't think that's helping my feeling of things being off. Man, I'm so neurotic. I just want things settled and back into some semblance of a routine. I don't know what's wrong with me right now. Maybe partly because I'm changing positions at work, but not until something like a month and a half away. So I feel like I'm in in-between mode there, or something. I don't like that either.

Bleh. See, I shouldn't be blogging.

Speaking of, I've been so pathetic so far this Lent. I mean, I don't check any blogs or do any blogging myself all week long (except when it's work-related, which isn't the same), so essentially I just check email a couple times a day, maybe go on Facebook for like five minutes a day, and occasionally check the weather and the news. But I haven't been replacing the Internet time with God time, and that's sort of the point, so this has been sort of pointless. I don't really know what I'm doing instead, but I'm finding some other ways to spend my time, and still avoiding prayer that I should be doing. So, I'm pathetic. I'm also realizing how little self-control I actually do have, especially when it comes to food. I typically fast on Fridays, and lately I've been doing Wednesdays too, which for me has consisted of maybe eating a yogurt or some almonds during the day, along with my cup or two of coffee, and then having whatever we have at dinner. What I should be doing is not eating much, if any, dinner either. I don't need it. I've gotten very good at ignoring hunger pains over the years, thanks to a school schedule that didn't let me eat when my stomach wanted food. One day isn't going to kill me. I guess if I really want to do this fasting thing right, I should give up my coffee those days too. But I'm too weak. Then I think I should give up the cream I put in it. I'm good at talking myself out of it.

I'm good at talking myself out of a lot of things I should do, or into a lot of things I shouldn't. "Hm. You're fasting today, and there's some Hershey almond kisses there. Fasting probably shouldn't include eating chocolate. But they're so good, and you haven't really had anything to eat today, so why not? It's the spirit of it, after all." I say things similar to that a lot. To myself. "Well, you probably should only eat two slices of pizza. But what's one more going to hurt? You didn't have lunch, so you still fasted." And then this spills over on days when I'm not fasting. I mean, when I think of all the times that I eat when I'm not even really hungry, well it's pretty much all the time. I just think I want that bowl of ice cream, even though I know I'm still pretty full from dinner. Ice cream is so good, though, so what's it going to hurt? And with this Internet thing, why couldn't I just keep it to email twice a day? I don't need to be on facebook. Yeah, it's a great way to keep up with people, but will I forget I'm friends with that person if I don't know what she's doing every single day during Lent? And then with other things, like going to bed. "I could go to sleep right now, but I'd really like to [knit x more rows] [read one more chapter] [watch one more episode of some dumb syndicated comedy]." Or shopping - I don't need that makeup/hair curling thing/DVD, but I buy it, because I want it. Or waking up - in the In Conversation with God series that I'm reading now, the Lenten version, it's mentioned many times that we need to find these little mortifications to do throughout the day, and not hitting the snooze always comes up. It's so difficult to wake up right away with that first alarm, and not get just five or seven or ten more minutes of sleep times three or five or however many times yo hit it (minutes which don't even really help, in the end, and probably just end up making us more tired). It's laziness, and I'm so lazy. Spiritually, physically, mentally, and I really need to stop it. Easier said than done, though. I'm really trying to work on it, but my motivation level to do anything about it is pretty much nonexistent. Which shouldn't matter, because it's not about what I want to do. It's about what I should do. What I need to do.

Anyway. I talk a lot about all these changes I need to make, and will at "some future date". But then I don't. It's pathetic. Hence, I'm pathetic.

K anyway. New topic. I read the other day that they finally determined that all the Romanov children were executed, and none escaped like a few people believed two might have. It's pretty sad, that whole story, and supremely fascinating to me. I read a couple of books about that whole thing in high school. Man, it's just crazy. Who would execute an entire family like that? Tragic. The whole thing.

I've been listening to a lot of classical lately. It makes me happy. I have it on in the car a lot, and only occasionally feel like breaking away to see what's on the other stations. Usually I just put it back. Unless it's a solely piano piece, or an opera type piece, because I don't really prefer to listen to either of those. Some piano is ok, but it's not my favorite instrument to listen to. (Although I do have a lot of respect for those who can play piano.) On Friday I just didn't feel like listening to all the talking in the office, so I put my headphones in and listened to classical most of the day. It was low, so I could still hear if people were talking to me, but it was nice. Classical music rocks. So does Aaron Copland. In case you were curious. And Ravel (who wrote Bolero). I also enjoy Dvorjak. And a whole bunch of others. The local classical station has a website where you can listen online, and they also have a playlist of the songs they play the whole day. And it's scheduled, too, so you can go see what's going to be on at 2:30pm tomorow afternoon. Or what they played yesterday. It's scheduled down to the minute. Anyway, that's really nice, because so often when I'm listening in the car, I think how nice the song is, but I have no way of knowing what it is unless I caught the name at the beginning or hear it after it's over. Sometimes these songs last longer than the drive to wherever I'm going, though. I very much like that playlist.

I had a good week with Nutmeg this past week. And yesterday I took her to get a bath at the self-service grooming thing that Petco has. She didn't exactly enjoy it (at all), but now she smells good and she's so soft. I hated going, though, because the last time I did that was obviously with Hazel. And Nutmeg is great and all, and everyone who meets her loves her (provided they like dogs, at least), but she's not Hazel. And this might make me a horrible, awful, no-good, very bad person, but if I could I'd trade her for Hazel in a second. Not half a day goes by that I don't still wish Hazel were here. It sucks. She's a good dog, but I still haven't really attached to her, and I wonder if I ever will. I want her to be Hazel, and she never will be. But neither will any other dog, so there's not a very good answer.

Oh! I wanted to mention this last Sunday, since I had read it the previous week, but then I forgot. So one day that week, the reading for the day in the In Conversation with God book for Lent was about guardian angels. And it occurred to me that I never think about my guardian angel. It's not that I don't believe in angels; I definitely do. (I've prayed to St. Raphael more than once, although he is an archangel, but still an angel.) They're just not really part of my daily conscious thought, you know? Mine must work pretty darn hard, though, because otherwise I might not be here today. Or something. But one of the things this reading mentioned was that we should ask and talk to our guardian angels, because unlike God, they can't see into our thoughts. We have to voice our requests and prayers and feelings. Similar to how the devil can't read our thoughts, but is good at working at our weaknesses. It was interesting to think about. I've been trying to think about my guardian angel more lately, but I still don't very often. I've heard about some people who ask their guardian angels what his/her/its name is, and they'll often get some sort of reply, often in the form of a dream or something. I don't think that, even if I did that, I'd believe it, because if I got some sort of response I would chalk it up to me making it up. So yeah. I guess I'm a little too...analytical, maybe, for the idea of angels to be something I'm really married to in my day to day life. But I guess it's something I should work on.

Well. I guess that's enough of an accumulation of random thoughts I've had over the past week. Until next Sunday, then.

Question for the week

Here's something that's been on my mind recently. What do you think about dating outside your faith? Is it important to you to be with someone who can share that part of your life with you? Would it matter if he or she didn't agree, didn't care, or was hostile to it?

I am, of course, Catholic, and would very much like the person I date (and, someday, end up with) to be Catholic as well - not just a passive Catholic, but someone who lives his faith every day, knows how important it is, and works hard to improve himself in it. Unrealistic? Maybe. I'm not saying he has to be perfect, of course, because my goodness how imperfect I am in my faith. It'd be crazy for me to expect a "perfect Catholic", especially since that doesn't really exist. However, despite the bad Catholic that I am, my faith is incredibly important to me, and is such a big part of my life. I can't imagine sharing my life with someone who couldn't really understand and share that part of my life. I want to be with someone who will help me grow stronger in my faith and in my understanding of Catholicism, and while this isn't impossible with someone who's not Catholic, it seems much less likely and much more difficult.

As for dating someone, I don't really believe in dating people that I wouldn't be able to see myself marrying. Obviously this isn't something that can be judged right away, typically, but I also don't think I would want to let myself get serious with someone who didn't share my faith. I wouldn't necessarily refuse at least one date, but I'd be somewhat cautious about it - how many times have people said "it's just one date" only to end up marrying the person. And, I mean, if it's right, it's right, but I have serious reservations about going very far with a non-Catholic. Yeah, there's always the chance he could convert, but it wouldn't be good to stay in a relationship with someone expecting him to change eventually. What if he never does? I know lots of people have successful mixed marriages, but I think it'd be something that I would always have at least some sense of disappointment about. Hopefully he would be supportive of it, but there's enough opposition to the Church out there. I really wouldn't need that from my husband too.

Plus, there's the fact that the only thing I really care about regarding my wedding (you know, assuming I get married someday) is that it be a Mass, and it would be really weird to have a wedding Mass where only one spouse was able to receive Eucharist. And then there's the fact that my Catholicism leads me to have a number of beliefs that most non-Catholics don't share (and, frankly, too many Catholics don't either). For example, contraceptive use. And a number of other things, of course.

Perhaps my standards are too high (although, really, is wanting someone solidly grounded in the Catholic faith really that high of a standard?), but I don't think I can let go of that one. And I don't think I should let it go, either. I imagine it'd be very difficult to attend Mass every week with my boyfriend or husband, assuming he would go with me, and be unable to share going to Communion with him.

So, that's my thoughts. What do you think? Is sharing faith that important to you? Is it a non-negotiable, or just preferable, or not even something you really consider?

What's with today, today?

Let's see...what to update...

Well, Obama nominated Kansas governor Kathleen Sebelius as secretary of Health and Human Services. Which would be great, of course, except, oh yeah, she's the typical high-ranking political-Catholic. Why is it that all the Catholics we hear about in politics are of the pro-abortion, pro-contraception, anti-Catholic belief type? Sigh. Oh well. There's a good post about it here. Our Church needs a lot of healing, and a lot of fixing, that's for sure.

Gah. I'm trying to read the past week's blog posts on all the blogs I typically visit. It's too much though. I can't do it. Especially those blogs that update several times a day. I'm not even going to try.

And that's ok.

Right now it's...2:30. Typically, I go play soccer and volleyball with some friends on Sunday afternoons, and that starts at 4 (although I'm never there at 4. Usually 4:30 or 5). I really really want to take a nap, but I also need to take Nutmeg for a walk around the neighborhood, if not to Palmer Park (which is the better option, because Palmer Park > any other place in this city. Except maybe Garden of the Gods). Of course, the minute I lie down, my brother is going to walk in the door and wake me up...hm.

My typing is all off right now, though, which leads me to believe that I should put this post on hold and do something else for awhile. I hate hitting the backspace, and I'm doing it a lot at the moment. Naptime it is.


K, so it's now almost 9. I went to soccer and volleyball this afternoon/evening, as usual, and took a number of soccer balls to the torso. Man people kick those hard. I also had a few impacts with some people, which were occasionally painful. In short, I'm gonna be sore tomorrow. And I have to (try to) get to bed early tonight - parents are gone this week so, while Dad would typically feed Nutmeg in the morning since he got up first, I have to make sure I wake up in plenty of time to feed her and whatnot, get her outside, etc before getting to work. Maybe I can even get to work a little bit early and take a bit longer lunch so I can come home and give her some lovings during lunch. Might be a bit ambitious, though, at least for tomorrow. Tom's here during the day, but I don't know how much he's going to want to pay attention to her. Poor dog. Sigh.

Obama, his policies, and his beliefs depress me sometimes. The things he's doing to "fix" the economy are ridiculous, and people don't see it. Well, some people don't. The people who do don't have the voice to tell the rest. And if they try, it's like a person standing in the middle of a very crowded Grand Central Station, yelling at the top of his lungs, but no one can hear him above the din made by everyone else. Oh well. Christ will win, in the end. We'll get out of this mess eventually, one way or another. Except, ugh, I hate that he reversed the ban on federal funding for stem cell research. I'm not surprised by it, but it sucks.

We've had weird weather lately. The past week or so we've had great weather - high 60s and 70s, and then lower 60s. Then yesterday, I woke up to some heavy wet snow which stuck to some places. And then all of a sudden it stopped, the sun came out, and it was all gone within like five, ten minutes. And then later it snowed again. And the sun came out again and melted it. And then it snowed again, and then it was night so it didn't quite melt until this morning. But yeah. It was weird. And today it was really nice again, in the 60s. And seemed even nicer because the sun stayed out for an extra hour. (I do like that part about daylight savings. But in general, I think it's dumb, unnecessary, and we should just get rid of it. In November. After we gain back this hour we just lost.) Oh, but now that I have spring fever and can't wait for nice warm weather, I'm sure we're going to get a huge blizzard right as things are trying to start to bloom, and then they'll all die and we won't have much of a pretty spring. Except, no, that won't happen, because I already bet someone that we won't get anymore good snowstorms this year.

However, I really have no idea what the weather will do, because it's the weather. (Except I think I'm getting pretty good at predicting Colorado weather. Although I'll admit, I didn't think I'd see snow yesterday. Maybe some rain, but not snow.)

Let's see...this week I've realized just how weak and pathetic I am. In general, but really spiritually speaking. And I never feel like I get any better. It sucks. Sometimes I wonder if I'm so particular about the externals of Catholicism because I'm having such a hard time with the internal aspect. I suck at my relationship with God. So, since nothing I do seems to make that much better, I guess I just want to make sure I'm doing and experiencing all the externals to the best degree possible. And that's also probably partially why I'm so black and white when it comes to my Catholicism. I like there to be rules to follow. I like knowing what's right and wrong, so that I can aim for the right and not just be wandering aimlessly with my own devices. And this leads me to being the judgmental person that I am, even though I'm as flawed (if not more so) as anyone, so why would I think that I know anything better than anyone? That I know what's right more than anyone? But it's such a fine line between being "judgmental" and being...Catholic. And telling people what the Catholic faith believes. It's exhausting trying to figure out which side is which.

But, by the way, I really, really need to work on being more charitable. I'm really just awful when it comes to other people. Gah. Terrible.

Anyway. I had some interesting comments on that post I made last Sunday. I still think I'm right as far as my beliefs of gender roles goes, but it was interesting to hear a few on the other side. (And I really liked Julie's comment about having clearly defined roles making things easier sometimes, in some situations. Very true.) Part of the reason I sometimes wish I had lived in a different time is because, just like I'm a big fan of black and white, right and wrong, I really like clearly defined roles for men and women. And seeing as how all I've ever really wanted to do with my life is become one of those pathetic housewives (well, pathetic to society) who cooks and cleans and raises the kids, I'm not terribly swayed by the arguments that today is so much better because women can do whatever they want. Not that I'm against women having jobs and having equal opportunities in most things or whatever, and sure, I'm glad I got to go to ND, to college in general. But that's a little bit different. Men were created to be a certain way, and women another way, and thus we're each better at different things. For a reason. Sure, there might be some variants one way or another, but that's true of anything - and I'll admit that even as a tried-and-true lover of the black and white.

Hm. What else was there. Oh, apparently they're closing my middle school. It's a little sad, but not really because I think I went back there once after I "graduated" (which, really, I didn't. Everyone else I know, practically, had some sort of ceremony to mark leaving middle school and entering high school. Apparently my lovely middle school didn't feel the need to do that). And it's not like any of my teachers are still there anyway. Well, maybe they are, but I wouldn't know. And I also learned that now the county in which I live is considered "urban" because of the population size. That kind of makes me sad. I miss the days when my neighborhood was sort of pretty near the easternmost area of the city - although the county goes out further. It used to be a lot less crowded around here. Many fewer neighborhoods. I don't like it now. As I've mentioned many, many times, I know.

You know what? I really need to stop being so negative. I've been in a pretty good mood all week, but you wouldn't know it from this. Even most of today. I just get in these negative moods, especially at night, and then it's whine whine complain moan. Sorry about that. Really. I need to start focusing on the positive, difficult as it is sometimes. Like tonight, when I'm really missing Hazel. Weird the way it pops up randomly now and then. I mean, I always miss her, and I haven't gone more than a few hours, probably, without thinking about how much I wish she were still here. But sometimes it's stronger and worse than others. Anyway. I just really, really wish something fantastic would happen, just once, to get me back on the right track. But I guess I need to get myself back on the right track without some sort of great thing happening, because that's just not how life goes. It's not all wonderful. Sometimes we just have to focus on whatever good we can, even if it seems like it's all tiny and insignificant. At least it's there. There's always something - sometimes it requires looking really, really hard, though. And sometimes it's really hard to want to look when it feels like everyone else you're around is so negative too. Bleh. It's all just no good. Although, being around other negative people really makes me try to be more positive, because I want them to see the positive in things. In life.

I think my whole mindset is really out of whack. There's something wrong with the way I process information, the conclusions I draw from things. It never seems right. Or it's uncharitable. Or it's just...I don't know, wacky.

Anyway. See, aren't you guys glad you don't have to read this stuff every day now? Just one big blow out post once a week. Maybe I should keep doing this even after Lent. At the very least it cuts down on the amount and frequency of negativity which I can put into the blogosphere, right?

Well, on the plus side, I finished a sweet-awesome scarf for someone at work. All she told me was the color she want, so I picked this pattern that seemed easy and looked pretty cool, and I really really like it. These pictures don't show it very well (the pattern or the color, actually), but it's the best I could do.
I'm thinking of doing a whole blanket with that pattern, because I really really liked it. Now I have a couple of pairs of mittens to work on, and maybe one more scarf, and whatever else. The person this scarf is for wants me to make her a sweater (she said she'd pay me). I'm not sure if I'm ready for sweater-knitting, though...But knitting is greatly fantastic.

Also good: pictures of dogs being cute.

Good stuff.

Oh, I highly encourage everyone to go to confession at least once during Lent. Well, I guess those of you who are Catholic, at least. It really is a fantastic thing. I hadn't been in almost two months, and I think (I know) that's been at least part of my problem recently. I just can't go that long without it. And I really don't know how I ever present myself for Communion at Mass. And yet I do. Even, sometimes, those times I know I probably shouldn't. And then it just all builds up. And that's not good. There's definitely something to what people used to do, going to confession each Saturday, or not going to Communion if they hadn't made it to confession prior to Mass. These days, people look at you oddly if you don't go. It's quite sad, really.

Anyway. There I go again. Positive...um...oh, now that the time has changed again, I'll probably be able to take Nutmeg to the dog park after work again. Or at least for a good walk while the sun is still out. And tomorrow night we're going to be starting training classes. Since she doesn't seem to have a great deal (or any) training, we're doing the beginner class, which is like puppy class but for dogs 5 months and older who have no previous training. Hopefully it goes well and she learns some things. She knows how to sit when we have food, but she doesn't tend to do it on command for other things. So maybe we'll be able to change that. Etc.

So, I guess that's good enough for this week. See you next Sunday.

Gender roles: necessary or a thing of the past?

Apparently I started something of a debate, quite unintentionally, by saying in my post from tuesday that guys should re-learn how to take the initiative, and by believing that there are specified gender roles that should be followed.

So, while I'm off from blogging and reading blogs until next Sunday, tell me what you think: Do men and women have different roles? Should we keep those roles, or get rid of them? Am I wrong (and I admit, maybe I am) in thinking, as I mentioned on Tuesday, that men should be leaders, in general and in relationships? That women should be feminine, nurturing, should let men be the leaders and protectors God made them to be? That women shouldn't fight in wars? Have many of these roles already been lost as a result of various factors, including feminism? Is that a bad thing? Do we really need to get rid of the "stereotypical" gender roles if we want our society to continue and flourish?

Talk amongst yourselves. Bring out anything you want - quotes, arguments, certain roles that should or should not be reversed, whatever you want. Just, try to keep it clean (and nice). Please, though, no anonymous comments. I know it's easy to lie and put a different name in there, but I'd rather that than no name at all. I'd really prefer your real name, though.

(I'm very interested in hearing the other side, too, just fyi. I mean, I'd prefer not to be called a bigot again, but if you really want to, it's a free country, I guess. Maybe I really am wrong about this stuff. I don't really believe that to be the case, but I'm interested to hear the arguments.)

Nothing worth a post. But I'm posting anyway.

Apparently it's snowing today in the south. Like, Mississippi, Alabama, etc. The high here tomorrow is 72 degrees.

But I'm not bitter. I've made my peace with it. And I wish I could spend the day outside tomorrow to enjoy the springy weather. I really, really do. (Alas, I'll be stuck in my windowless office, probably cold because it's always cold in there, but at least the company there is good.)

How's your week been? Mine's been...pretty typical, I suppose. Although, interesting/funny blog-related news: Apparently someone found the last sentence of my previous post bigoted. I'll admit it might be sexist, but I won't apologizing for wanting men to be men, and not to be women. God made me and women differently, with different roles, and gifts, and talents, and I for one don't think the two should be mashed together. Men and women are different, and that's that. I could delete the comment, but I don't care enough. Plus, it's not every day that I get called a bigot (um...thankfully, obviously). Although, I am really wishing there were a way I could make anonymous comments not possible - I think if I want to do that, I'd have to make everyone sign in, and most people I know who read this don't have blogs or anything like that.

Anyway. Aside from that, I had a rather tiring rest of the week. Mostly because I'm frustrated with things, and frustrated with the fact that God seems just so completely silent. I know He's there, and I can't stop talking to Him, but I feel like I get nothing back. Ever. I'm sure that's not true, but it sure seems that way sometimes. I had a particularly bad night after I got home Thursday night, which involved a lot of pathetic crying, and then that night I had a dream in which there was a baby (I believe it was my nephew in the dream, but it wasn't really my nephew), and he needed his diaper changed, and I kept asking my mom to help me change it because I didn't know how, and she kept doing this and that and the other thing, and never got around to showing me how to change the stupid diaper despite my many pleas for help. And then I was awoken by my radio alarm, which Friday morning decided to be completely static instead of radio, and when I got it so that it wasn't static-y, I would go lie down again and it would have more static. So I just got frustrated and ended up hitting the top of it quite hard, which turned off the music and set me up for the time change that's happening next weekend. Waking up frustrated because of a dream and the alarm is not a good way to start one's day.

But anyway, the dream. It could just be some random firings of synapses or whatever dreams supposedly are, but it's also applicable to my situation and how I was feeling Thursday night. I really wanted to change this baby's diaper, because he needed it and it's just what had to happen. And I could have figured out how to do it (for the record, I have changed a diaper before, but you know how dreams are), and probably would have been able to do it correctly. But I really, really wanted my mom to show me how to do it the right way, just in case I messed something up. But she wouldn't. So maybe the point of the dream (if dreams have points, which I don't tend to think they do - maybe that's because typically my dreams are just a mishmash of random things that don't really mean anything to me, if I remember them at all) is that I need just to trust that I can do this stuff, I can make these decisions, I do know the right answer, even if God isn't sitting there holding my hand the whole time telling me what to do.

Admittedly, this doesn't make me feel much better. I wish I knew myself better, then maybe I'd be able to figure out what it is I actually want and think I should do. One of my friends believes that, between the two things I'm trying to decide, um, between (one of which really is out of my control at the moment, but it's still on the table), neither one is necessarily right or wrong, and that either one will be fine. I'm a big fan of thinking in black and white, and that maybe one isn't wrong, but one's definitely the better choice that God wants me to choose. I just don't know, though. Another friend said that maybe we don't realize enough that the right choice is sometimes the one that's going to make us happiest, because God does want us to be happy. That's also a valid point; however, I know myself so awfully and trust my judgment so poorly that I don't know which would make me happier - and how am I supposed to know that, anyway? I can't see the future. Plus, I don't believe that God wants us simply to pursue our own happiness no matter what. Sometimes it's not about us or what makes us happy. What God really wants is our eternal happiness, which doesn't necessarily equate to earthly happiness. But them sometimes lately I think I don't put any stock in my own happiness, thinking that surely what I think will make me happy is definitely not what God wants for me, because what do I know? Especially about myself?

Clearly, I still have a lot of praying to do. And unfortunately I've just replaced Internet time with things like reading, and watching tv or movies, and definitely not doing more praying. And growing closer to God is sort of the point of mortification. So that's definitely something I need to work on. It's just so...bizarre to me, not being hooked up to the internet ALL THE TIME. Which, in itself, is really sad. I'm so addicted to this thing. I long for silence and quiet, but then I can't really stand it. Not necessarily just the silence of noise, but the silence of input into my brain. I can't handle the thought of sitting around without a computer screen or TV screen on. This is how pathetic it is: I'm having to re-train myself how to sit and read. Just sit in a quiet room and read a book. I'm always multi-tasking, whether with music or tv or internet. It's going to take work, but it's really, really good for me. And maybe this week I'll be more used to this not wasting my time on the internet thing, and I'll be better at sitting quietly and praying, or doing more spiritual reading, or whatever.

Something just occurred to me regarding the decision I'm trying to make. Maybe there's a third option that has yet to be revealed to me, and I'm not really supposed to choose either of the two that are on the table. But, really, is that just me trying to pawn of making this decision in favor of "waiting"? Probably. But it's intriguing...I don't know that I really feel a sense of peace when considering either of the current two options. Maybe I'm just chasing something that doesn't exist, though. Maybe I'm just hoping for some pipe dream thing that's not even possible, and if it were possible, isn't really what I want in reality anyway.

See, how am I supposed to figure anything out when I think like this? I'm far too analytical sometimes. I'm just terrified of making the wrong choice. What's the worst that could happen, though, really?

Sigh.

Anyway. Also, I was looking at some pictures the other night, mostly ND pictures, and man. I really, really miss that place. Especially with it being Lent, and Easter coming up. Ash Wednesday Mass here was fine enough, but nothing like ND's. And the Triduum...sigh. I'm right now planning on going up to Holy Ghost in Denver for the Triduum Masses, because I don't think I'd be able to stand Colo Spgs diocese Masses. Not when I've been to the Triduum at the Basilica. I know, I really need to get over the Basilica. And school. But I won't ever stop loving them both. Especially those Masses in the Basilica. Man, I miss incense, and at least two or three extra priests up there on Sundays. (And I really miss those Masses on special days when like all of the priests would be up there, and oh, Holy Thursday when they'd all process with the Eucharist after the Mass, with two guys incensing the Eucharist the whole time, man. It's breathtaking, and wonderful, and why did I ever graduate?)

Well. Completely unrelated, the other day on Facebook Samantha had posted a link to this article about the possible location of the Garden of Eden. It's super interesting, especially because sometimes I wish I had been an archaeologist or something like that. Stuff like this always fascinates me. I probably won't care once I'm there, but it'll be cool once I get to heaven (well, assuming, of course) if I can go and just see all the periods of history that I only get to read about, if even that. Just to see how things were, how people lived. Anyway. Go read the article. You know, if you're into that sort of thing.

All this dryness, while I've made my peace with it, is not good for anything or anyone. My hands are dry all the time, especially the left one where I have eczema. Really, mostly just the left one. I hate it. And then all the plants and grass and trees in town are going to be dead and brown this summer, because they're getting no water. I mean, seriously, I think we might have had two days in February (and not much more than that in January) with any precipitation. And even then, it wasn't much. I hope the lack of snow this winter won't create a lack of pretty spring blooming. Then it'll be like double-whammy on Susie. No winter and no spring. And with my luck, it'll be a dry abnormally hot summer, too. Oh well. Nothing I can do about the weather.

Also: Bizarre. It's March. Definitely didn't come in like a lion, that's for sure.