It's extra long, so you can read it over multiple days

Goodness...I'm giving up the Internet.

What was I thinking?

I know what I was thinking: I need to read more. Especially spiritual reading. Here's what's on my list: God's Call to Women, The End of the Present World, Poustinia: Encountering God in Silence, Solitude and Prayer, Time for God, and Beginning Again. In no particular order. Oh, and there's also Lent and Easter Wisdom from GK Chesterton and In Conversation with God for Lent and Eastertide. Those are short daily reads. Maybe it's a bit ambitious, but I'm excited. I'm especially looking forward to Beginning Again, The End of the Present World, and Poustinia. (heh, if you're looking for good Lenten reading, Aquinas and More is a great place to get it! And I'd say that even if I didn't work there, just for the record. hehe.) I bought those last two today (of those three) today. And they sound really good - I'd been looking forward to getting End of the Present World since we first got it months ago, but had to send it back because there was some kind of printing error or something, I forget. I had read a couple of pages and it was really good. And apparently St. Therese read it and called it "one of the greatest graces of [her] life" so, you know, that's pretty cool.

I should probably get more saint books one of these days. Read more about the saints. They're pretty great people to read about, you know.

Anyway, aside from that stuff, I'm also currently reading, as I've mentioned, Sense and Sensibility (yay!) and Pillars of the Earth. So far S&S is pretty good, although I do tend to skim some of the passages that are a lot of...description, and I kind of glaze over with some of the sentence structures and whatnot, but it's good enough. And, you know, a good story anyway.

Wow. This will be so weird not to be on my computer at night. I'll check my email, maybe facebook, at lunch at work, and then like I said maybe up to half an hour at night, maybe, but I won't be attached to it like I am now. It'll be weird. But very good for me, I know. Tom (my awesome bro) is giving up one of his video games that he plays a lot, so we both decided that since we're giving up the thing that sucks up most of our evenings, we're going to play more board games and whatnot. It'll be fun.

And hopefully I'll figure out a thing or two about listening to God. I have no idea how to do that - or, more accurately, how to listen for Him. I never feel like I hear Him at all, which makes figuring out what He wants very difficult. Especially at the moment, with something I'm considering at the moment.

Anyway.

I just watched the State of the Union address. Well, it was on. I wasn't really paying attention. But they showed some numbers afterward that were just ridiculous. The percentages of people who felt better about the economy, Obama's plan, etc just as a result of his speech increased ridiculous amounts. I mean, it's just crazy. Ugh. People in this country are kind of stupid.

Oh well.

I taught some people at work today how to make crosses at the ends of their mardi gras bead necklaces. I got compliments on mine. Haha. Go me. I guess LifeTeen wasn't all bad. (Actually I learned it and/or figured it out - can't remember which - when I went to NCYC sophomore year of high school.)

I decided that Almond Joys are just about the perfect candy. Chocolate (but not too much), almond, and of course, lots of coconut. Mmmmmm.

Apparently some of the mountains have gotten 16 new inches of snow in the last 24 hours. I think the high got into the 70s here today. I bet two coworkers today that we won't get another real snowstorm the rest of the year. Well, possibly until November or so. I've accepted it, and have moved on. Maybe one of these years I'll get to move into the mountains somewhere, and I'll get my real winter. Right now, though, because I'm sick of waiting for cold and snow, I have spring fever and can't wait for great temps (70s, maybe low 80s, with warm nights) and hiking.

I'd like to leave you, for a little while at least, with some great words I read recently in the In Conversation with God volume 3 (for Ordinary Time weeks 1-12):

"The Christian has to use the necessary means to protect himself from the huge wave of sensuality and consumerism that seems in our day to be inundating everyone and everything in its path... We Christians are an intravenous injection into the bloodstream of society... We should remember that small mortifications - and big ones when they come along or God asks for them - will keep us always alert, just as the soldier takes care not to be overcome by sleep because so much depends on his watchfulness...

"The Apostles warned the converts to the Faith to live the doctrine and moral teaching of Christ in a pagan atmosphere rather similar to that of our own times... The widespread toleration of modern lifestyles and a popular approval of standards clearly opposed to the moral demands of the Christian Faith and of the Natural Law are now commonplace, even in countries with a long and deep-seated Christian tradition.

"The propagators of the new paganism have found an effective ally in the entertainments industry. The influence wielded by the mass media on the opinions of the millions they reach is a vast one. In recent years there has been an ever-increasing proliferation of media productions which for all sorts of different reasons - or for no apparent reason at all - encourage a debasement of taste and eternal sins against chastity. A soul living in that kind of sensual atmosphere would find it not only difficult, but impossible to follow Christ closely ... and perhaps even from afar. The indecency and impurity underlying such productions is often accompanied by an attempt to ridicule religion and the holy truths of Christianity. They make a deliberate exhibition of irreligiosity and atheism, thinking nothing of using obscene and blasphemous language and displaying attitudes of contemptuous irreverence to whatever is sacred.

"In their preaching the Fathers of the Church used hard words to deter the first Christians from attending immoral entertainments and shows. Those faithful Christans knew how to do without means of recreation that sat ill with their zeal for holiness or could lead their souls into danger. They avoided such things with ease since it was obviously what the new ideals they had found required of them when they met Christ. Not infrequently, as a result, the pagans would become aware of the conversion of a friend, a relative or a neighbour because he had stopped attending those shows that did not conform or were openly opposed to the discriminating conscience of a person who has found his life in Christ."

I especially love those last two paragraphs. It's rare these days to find someone that people can correctly label as Christian because she won't go to that movie, participate in that activity, etc. We're all tainted, to some degree, by the world in which we live. But we're also called to be as far "in but not of" as possible. It's practically impossible to keep all movie and TV watching free of immoral things (even commercials aren't free of immorality these days), and I don't think it's a necessity that we don't watch TV or movies at all because of that. But it does mean that we have to be careful what we choose to watch. Sometimes I get a lot of flack from people because I'm very discerning about what movies I see. Even if it has a "good message," or even if the immorality isn't necessarily "praised" or whatever. I hate that I feel like I'm constantly having to defend myself for being "uptight" about movies I just won't see. At least people are used to it now, and will say to a general group, "Oh, that was a great movie! You wouldn't like it, Susie." Just like friends and certain family members know not to say certain words around Susie. And while sometimes it sort of feels like a dig (like "Oh, that Susie, she's so crazy for thinking this is wrong" - kinda like kids feel when adults say "You wouldn't understand, you're not old enough" or when married/people with kids say that to unmarried/childless people), I'm mostly pretty ok with it.

Anyway. Sometimes I can't help but think to myself that maybe I'm wrong to be so stringent about what I watch. So reading this was really nice for me to hear (or...read). Made me feel like maybe I'm doing something right, or trying to, at least.

So yeah.

Guess that's all I got for now.

Oh, one last thing: Boys, you need to re-learn how to take the initiative. Feminism has made guys forget their natural roles, and that's not good. Guys, just do it, ok?

Tomorrow will be a wonderful, insightful, Pulitzer Prize-winning post

No it won't, really.

And neither will this.

Because all I have to say is that I cleaned my rings on Friday night. My ND one and my sapphire chastity ring. I'd been meaning to do it for awhile, as there was some gunk building up in the little crevices and engraved spaces and such. So I did that, and now they're all pretty and shiny and clean. And the sapphire looks so much clearer and brighter! It's sort of amazing. I should do that more often.

And that's just about all I have to share.

Wait...no, it's gone.

Well, there's the fact that tomorrow I'm doing something that should have been done a looooong time ago, and hopefully it'll make a certain person's day in a few days. Who doesn't like making someone's day?

What I learned from the Oscars

Obama is elegant.

Those who voted for (or is it against? I forget) Proposition 8 should be ashamed of themselves and will someday be ashamed in front of their grandchildren. Oh, and "equal rights" across the country is inevitable -because, you know, marriage is a right to which anyone is entitled. (Unfortunately, this one is probably true, the way our country is crumbling.)

Make a movie with lots of "intellectual" and "challenging" and frankly objectionable content, and you might just win an Oscar.

God(s) does not exist, and in fact belief in him/it/them have caused all the problems the world has ever faced. And those who believe are stupid.

...

Yeah, I don't know why I watched, either. (I think, of all the movies that were nominated, or at least all the movies that won, I had seen two - Wall-E and The Dark Knight. Oh, and I saw Kung Fu Panda, which was nominated, and sadly lost to wall-e. I much would have preferred that to win. But really, what does any of it matter anyway? It doesn't. I certainly don't base my movie choices on what wins at the Oscars. Except that I really don't want to see Slumdog Millionaire now because it won so many awards. For some reason that makes me not want to see it, not that I wanted to before, either.)

Eh, the Oscars are dumb. And these women need to learn to cover up more of...well, everything.

Oh, and seriously, Sean Penn? Obama is elegant? Um...ok then.

It's the biggest day of the year: Oscars!

One of the top news stories (in the bottom half of CNN, under the "US" category) is that Clinton's cat Socks was put to sleep.

Yeah. Because that's necessary news for the world to know from the front page of CNN.

Also, I just want it to be summer now. Screw this non-winter. Bring on the warmer temps, please. This week, most of the highs are in the 60s. I'm actually kind of glad about that. I'm sick of hoping for things that never happen, so I'll just set my sights on being happy about things that are much more likely to happen.

Sometimes I wonder why the intercession of saints always seems to work out so well for other people. I guess I just always ask for the wrong things. (Except when I can't find something and say a quick prayer to St. Anthony. He always comes through for me with that stuff.)

Today is one month. Sigh.


(By the way, I think the Oscars are dumb, pretentious, and self-absorbed. Just for the record.)

Clarity

I'm feeling much better about things today. Or at least more upbeat, if not better about things. Or just in a better mood in general for whatever reason despite other things and that makes me happy so good.

After work I met up with a few girls at the mall. There's a dance tomorrow for the young adults in the diocese, and we're going. Including me. By myself. Dateless. C'est la vie. At least I know one or two other dateless girls going. With any luck there will be dateless boys as well, otherwise...yeah. Ha. Anyway. So we went to look at some dresses. I was mostly there to find some shoes and/or some nice-smelling stuff to make me smell attractive (is that possible? yes. Flowers attract people by their smell. I guess that means my goal is to smell like a flower). I bought two dresses in December, so I'll be wearing one of those. Probably the boring-er but warmer (and less pale white flabby arm revealing) black one. Which means I was hoping to find a nice colorful pair of heels to wear and accessorize a bit. However. Not only am I tall (making finding jeans and other clothes difficult), I have big feet. Proportional to my body, but big. There is nothing about me that's small or even average. So whatever. Anyway, having big feet makes finding shoes even more difficult than finding jeans. I wear a size 11 shoe. A lot of places don't really carry any size 11s. Payless is nice because they have their shoes by size, so there's no finding a pair that I love only to discover there is no size 11 in that pair. However, even having this, the selection for size 11 is pretty sparse, much more than the regular average sizes. Suffice it to say, there were no good heels to be had there in size 11. There might have been a pair or two of cute black ones, but that's not what I need or was looking for. (I ended up getting a pair of silver shoes, which hopefully will work, even though I was really hoping to find a pair of red ones or something.)

So, that was a bit disappointing. But the silver ones are cute enough, and chances are I'll be taking them off at some point tomorrow anyway. I walked around the mall for two hours wearing the shoes I had on at work, which are very cute and comfortable heeled Mary Janes. Comfortable if I'm not walking around for two hours, that is. The balls of my feel (I think that's what that part is called) are rather sore at the moment, so I can't imagine tomorrow will feel great dancing in heels. Ah, well. I hope it'll be fun.

And I was successful getting some nice body spray. It's been years since I had any, so I'm excited. Very excited, actually. Now I just have to figure out how to do my hair tomorrow...Have I ever mentioned that I don't know how to curl my own hair, aside from putting special curl-aiding agents in it while it's wet and letting it dry? What I should say is that I don't know how to use a curling iron correctly. I'm 23 and I can't use a curling iron. What kind of a girl am I, anyway? Oh well. If I go that route (Mom thinks I should half-ponytail with curls), I'll just have mom help me. The only thing about that is usually it requires hairspraying, and as a general rule I hate hairspray. I like my hair normally, because it's soft and smooth and able to move, and not hard and crunchy as hairspray tends to make it. But my hair doesn't tend to hold curls very well, unless they're my own curls (especially with the help of the aforementioned curling aids. Which do sometimes cause my hair to be less soft and move-y as it normally is). Can you tell I wish I had naturally curly hair? Well, curlier than the waves that automatically happen if I let it air dry, no extra agents involved.

Wow that was a lot about my hair. I must be in a good mood, because I type a lot and ramble when I'm in a good mood. But I guess sometimes I do that when I'm mad about something, too. Hm. I don't think I'm mad right now though.

*****

I've also decided something re: giving up Internet for Lent. I will allow myself half an hour each night after I get home from work or wherever I may have been. Mostly so I can check email, really. This half hour is movable - I'll have to decide if I just can't wait once I get home to check my email, or if I want to save it until, say, 9:30 to maximize the potential of getting some email. If that makes sense. Knowing me, I'll probably postpone until later, because I do things like that. (I take my lunch at 1:30 most days because our filter thing, which is turned off from like 11 or 11:30 until 2 - the time when most people take their lunches, kicks back in at 2, so taking my lunch at 1:30 gives me the half hour where I can check email and facebook and such, and it's the latest I can have a half hour of email and facebook access. And I don't take lunch earlier because the day just seems so much longer the earlier I take my lunch. Not sure why that is, but it's like if I get to noon, then I can tell myself "just an hour and a half until lunch!" and it's not bad, and then once I'm done lunch, there's only three hours left. If I take it earlier, sure I get that break earlier, but then there's more of the day left once lunch is over.) Anyway. So yeah, half an hour. If that. And I won't be blogging those days, just Sundays.

*****

Tonight is Conan's last show. Until he starts the Tonight Show or whatever it'll be called. Kinda sad, though. But it'll be nice when he does start that, because 11:30 is just so late sometimes. And Leno? Not funny.

*****

A group of girls from my young adult group have started a Jane Austen book club thing. We're reading Sense and Sensibility first, which is cool. The only Jane Austen book I've ever read is Pride and Prejudice, in 7th grade. And I only read half of it. (And wrote a book report on it using that and the cliffs notes for the other half. And got a 100% on it. I'm always pretty proud of that fact, but really, it's kinda sad.) I think I didn't finish it because I ran out of time, not due to lack of interest. But that was the only time I read Austen. Summer before senior year (of college), I tried reading Persuasion. I only got a few pages in. I've heard that's a difficult one to get into, though, so who knows. Anyway, I'm excited about this. I went and bought S&S today at Borders, since I was at the mall (and had just gotten a 40% off coupon in my email today! I never shop at borders since they're typically more than elsewhere, but I wanted to buy this book, and I had the coupon, and I was at the mall, so I went there). Anyway. The coupon was pretty pointless, since the book was like under $5 to begin with (there were three different versions, and I went with the cheapest), so I paid like $3 for it. I had been thinking about looking to see if this used bookstore had it, but I doubt I would have gotten it for much cheaper than that anyway. Go me.

I'm gonna go start reading it now.

And oh gosh. I just heard that they're remaking My Fair Lady. And the likely star is Keira Knightly. And Daniel Day Lewis. What? Ugh.

(Sorry about the pointlessness of this post.)

The Internet: Killing Me Slowly

Know what's depressing? (Other than talking to certain persons at work who take a very, very, very grim view of the upcoming "Greatest Depression" we're about to experience.)

Coming across purportedly Catholic websites when researching certain things, and not knowing what sort of Catholicism they ascribe to - traditional/orthodox? more schismatic-leaning? cafeteria/cultural Catholicism? I recently wrote a post for our company's blog, discussing Catholic seders. Well, it was mostly to discuss/review a book we carry by a Jewish convert to Catholicism that describes how to have a Catholic seder. (I talked to the author about it and everything. Go me.) So, having heard some mixed things about Catholics doing/participating in seder meals, I wanted to see if there was a definitive...thing about it. (My boss had suggested we feature this book, though, and he's about as orthodox a Catholic as you can get, so I figured there weren't problems with it. I still wanted to do some research for myself, though. However. It's impossible to know the faithfulness of so many Catholic websites. Even some popular Catholic sites tend to be...somewhat questionable in some ways. It's just hard to know. Especially when researching something you're rather unfamiliar with, as far as Church teaching on it. If you have no idea, and come across a site that appears Catholic but says something completely untrue with regard to Catholic teaching, how would you ever know? You wouldn't. Until you came across someone who told you otherwise.

And people. People who call themselves Catholic, say they really respect the Church in this or that, but then live contrary to the Church - knowingly, willfully. Now, no one is perfect. I'm far, far, far from it. But when I sin, I know it, and I immediately want to take it back and go to confession and try not to do it again. (Usually. Most of us probably have those moments when we're like, yeah, that felt really good to [lie] [speed] [hit my brother] etc.) But then there are those people who are all, "Yeah, I know it's against Church teaching to sleep together before marriage, but those rules are stupid anyway, and I don't care." And then they mislead others (Nancy Pelosi, I'm looking at you, Miss "The Church doesn't really know when life begins, and abortion hasn't always been disallowed" or whatever ridiculous thing you said. And I might be confusing her statements with Biden's. Another lovely example of a cultural Catholic).

It's just...disheartening. If you don't want to be Catholic - and by that I mean adhere to the rules of Catholicism, faithfully and happily, at least obediently even if you might question it. If you're running a website that clearly claims to be Catholic, then don't spread lies or untruths about what the Church teaches. Just don't do it. This isn't Protestantism. We can't just interpret everything ourselves the way we want to interpret them. It's so frustrating, and feels just like I'm banging my head against a wall. All the time.


Also: I really think this lack of anything winter-weathery is making me depressed. It seriously makes me want to cry, and I don't think that's normal. I don't know. I just feel like, right now, everything I am, everything I want, everything I like is the complete opposite of everyone else in the world, so I'm just completely wrong and watching everyone else get what they want while I stand on the outside looking in. Everything feels wrong, and I need something to change, but I don't know what, or how, or when, or where, or why. I don't know anything.

Hm. This bout of blue-ness just came up all of a sudden out of (mostly) nowhere. A sign I should probably get up to bed soon.

Next Wednesday starts the no-Internets thing. It'll be difficult, but it'll be so good for me, I'm sure. I have a ton of things to be reading (lots of spiritual reading included, such as one Catherine Doherty book - possibly two if we still have it in the store when I get my gift certificate next week - another book I've had for awhile and have yet to start reading, and possibly another one I might buy also next week with the gift certificate (a pleasant book called The End of the Present World or something like that. I read a few pages and it actually seems really good. St. Therese of Lisieux read it, too, and apparently thought it was fantastic). And then I'm also currently reading Pillars of the Earth, and a group of girls from my young adult group have decided to start reading Jane Austen novels and talking about them (with plenty of time to read them), and then watching the movies afterward. We're doing Sense and Sensibility first, so I have to go buy that and get started. Should be pretty fun.

Anyway. Point is, I'm going to start reading again, like I used to in high school, pre-laptop days. It'll be really, really good for me, I'm sure. The Internet is great and all, but too often for me it's just a valley of disappointments. Plus, if I sat down and calculated it out, I think that about 75% of my day is spent in front of a computer screen. Maybe not quite that much, but maybe more. Either way, a lot. It's just...I mean, I live with my parents and stuff, but there's not a whole lot to do with them because they're always off doing their own work or whatnot, and/or on the computers themselves, and I might as well be online keeping connected to my friends with whom I only really communicate through online means, and I don't know. I don't like it, but I don't really know what else there is to do, I guess. I'm pathetic. But it's not like I have a boyfriend/husband/kids to keep me busy. I have a dog, but she spends most of the time on the couch anyway. She's a much less active dog than Hazel was (which I really do miss).

Eh, it's all pathetic. Our whole world is pathetic. And I wouldn't be too sad to see us go back to much more primitive ways (no tv, no internet, maybe still phones because they're useful in emergencies and such, much fewer "things", more reliance on ourselves for things like clothes and food and whatnot. More time spent together). I like having the internet because i like to feel connected and not out of the loop. But then it's all just a false connection anyway. I'm not really connected to anything. I'm just pretending. I'm addicted to it, but it's all fake. Getting rid of it will be good for me. Maybe it'll be the first step to some big change I need to make (I don't know what that change is in the least, which is beyond frustrating, but maybe this will help me figure it out). I'm really not a very good person, and I'm hoping that maybe this internet fast will be able to reset me somehow (or help me reset myself), so that I'll become a better person, a person I would much rather be than the person I am now. Probably a person everyone else would much rather me be, too. (I can't imagine I'm very pleasant most of the time. I don't know why people continue to stick with me. Maybe it's because people don't like change, or something. I can't count on that forever, though.)

I don't like this place I'm in right now. Have I mentioned that before?

Oh, also, benefit of me being internet-less? You all don't have to listen to these whiney pathetic posts! Except on Sundays. If even then. Lucky you.

Interesting: There's a CS Lewis site I found in high school (the Internet isn't all bad, even for me), and it has a daily Lewis quote. Today's is from Mere Christianity (great book, by the way):

"[People are told they ought to love God. They cannot find any such feeling in themselves. What are they to do? The answer is the same as before. Act as if you did. Do not sit trying to manufacture feelings. Ask yourself, 'If I were such that I loved God, what would I do?' When you have found the answer, go and do it."

Here's to doing, even when we don't feel it.

Clarification

When I told people last night to guess when my 1500th post would be, I wasn't thinking about the fact that I'm giving up the Internet for Lent, which means (probably) at most one post a week until April 12. I haven't quite decided yet if I'm going to give myself an hour or so of Internet use at night, so...that'd definitely be important to take into consideration. Blogging will definitely be much, much lighter. So if anyone who's guessed thus far would like to change it, with that in mind, feel free to do so.

:-)

Shoulda, woulda, coulda

Neato.

I really should have been an archaeologist. Or a paleontologist. Or a geologist. Not exactly common majors, though. Ah, well.

Money whoas.

After this post, I will be 38 posts away from 1500 published posts on this blog. Person who guesses the closest to when my 1500th post will be published wins...um...some sort of candy of your choice. Or something knitted, of your choice. Yeah.

Haha.

So, funny story. I've had problems lately trying to log in to my online banking account. Annoying, because that's how I pay my bills and stuff. So yesterday, when I tried unsuccessfully, I called them to see what the dealio was. The guy wasn't very much help, and managed to discover that my PIN was accurate (he had me log in to the easy touch telephone teller thing, using my member number and pin, and it worked). So then he was like "So, it should work online too. Call us early tomorrow morning if it still doesn't, and a tech guy will help you." So, thanks, guy. Then I saw that they have this live online help thing, so I tried that. The person I was chatting with said that she couldn't help me because I have no "code word", which apparently I was supposed to know to have, or something. I asked her how I get one, and she said I have to log in and send an email from there. Um, thanks. She then said "call the 800 number and they'll help you, they just have to reset your account because you have too many failed attempts, and then it'll work." I was like, um, no, I just called them, they did that, and it still isn't working. "No, that's what's wrong with your account, it'll work." "Yeah, no it won't. So you can't help me then, is that what you're saying?" She said "Well, just set up a code word and I can help you." "Um, don't I have to be logged in to set up a code word?" "My bad, you're right." "ok, thanks." And I left the window.
(Yes, she actually said "my bad." I didn't know anyone still said that, let alone an online help person for a bank.)

So then, since I never have time before work in the mornings to call something like that, I sent them an email explaining the situation and describing my frustration. Then I left somewhere for a few hours, and when I checked my email again, I had an email from my bank, and they said "I'm sorry about this situation, and I can understand your frustration." Then they told me that if I couldn't get it to work, just to click the "forgot password" thing on the homepage, and change it. And darned if that didn't work. I mean, would it have been so hard for the person on the phone, or the online help person, to suggest that? (I don't know why I didn't think to do that before - oh, probably because I had gotten locked out already for failed attempts.) But wow. What a simple solution.

So anyway. The situation with the phone and online person was just ridiculous. I got it all worked out and such, but man. First the phone guy (who accidentally hung up on me), then the girl online, and all I had to do was change my stupid password. Although, why it was doing that to me in the first place, I still don't know. Because I had it right. Maybe it was just...stuck or something.

Anyway. All's well that ends well, and I was able to pay my credit card bill (which, dang, was MUCH higher than I anticipated. Stupid automatic withdrawals. Did you know that I pay around $500 a month for my student loans? And every two weeks for six payments, three of which have already been paid so far, over $200 is being taken out of my account to pay for my wisdom teeth removal. It's great. Sigh. Could be worse. It was just depressing seeing such a high bill when I thought it would be pretty low, but I wasn't really thinking about that stuff). And now I have not much money in my bank account.

Speaking of loans, my friend sent me a link tonight that's a petition to "stimulate the economy by forgiving student loans" or something like that. Pretty amusing, and obviously very much agreed on (who wouldn't want that?). I mean, they bailout everyone else, can't they bailout us poor recent graduates? And I would promise to spend it on frivolous things to help the economy, and not just bills and stuff (because, really, those are the only bills I have to worry about at the moment. And yes, I'm spoiled, and lucky. And I still live at home). I mentioned it to my brother who said "That'd be nice. I'd be $77 richer each month." Dude, he only has to pay $77 a month for his loans. Compared to my $500. I guess that's the difference between CSU and Notre Dame, though, and that was my choice, and I'm glad I made that choice. But still. Man. I mean, that's almost half of my monthly income right there. Especially after tithing and stuff. And I'll be paying it FOREVER. Or at least the next thirty months. Unless I strike it rich, or someone feels like giving me something like $50,000 or $70,000 or whatever it is to pay off all of them right now. No? No takers? Darn. Well, at least there's still Lost. That's free.

Oh, and why do I still watch the weather/check the 10 day forecast on weather.com? It's ALWAYS THE SAME. Occasionally, they'll pencil in some precipitation for 8 or 9 or 10 days out, but they always change their minds by the time those days get closer. I really need to move into the mountains. They got lots of snow today and yesterday. Oh, well, at the very least it makes Pikes Peak even prettier. And there's nothing wrong with that.

But my heart really, really, really needs to see some snow. A good snowstorm. A great blizzard. Anything. We've had like no precipitation the entire year so far. And I have the opposite of SAD - I need the clouds and snow. And, while people are allowed to complain about too much snow or too many cloudy days or too much rain (and are allowed to complain any time the weather dips below 50, or there's a single day of some flurries), I never feel like I'm allowed to complain about no snow, no cloudy days, no rain. (For the record, the rain is more for spring/summer/fall. I like my winter precipitation in the form of snow. But I'd almost take anything right now.) It's really sad. But, there's nothing I can do about it, so...I guess I just have to accept that I very, very rarely get the weather I want.

Anyway. Sorry. I know I complain about it a lot here, but I think real people don't like hearing it from me, and you're choosing to read my blog, so that's what you get.

Carrying the Cross

I went to Adoration and stuff tonight. I did some reading (In Conversation with God), and at some point the thought occurred to me that I'm pathetic when it comes to accepting my crosses in life happily, and joyfully. One in particular, that of being single. Because for me, it is a cross. A major cross. But it's one that has been given to me by God, and who am I to reject something God has given me, specifically, personally? I should be happy to carry any crosses that He gives me (not that this means always being happy about it, not always being cheerful and whatnot - although, maybe it does mean that). After all, Christ knew just how difficult it would be to accept the Cross He was given, and yet He took it willingly, knowing it would lead to death. He continued to get up each time He fell, and He did that for me. The least I can do is accept my crosses for Him.

I'm going to try to start willingly accepting the crosses God gives me to bear, because they are mine to bear, and no one else's. (Luckily, I don't have to do it alone, because God is always there, no matter what I do. And I wouldn't be able to stand even the smallest cross without His help and guidance and strength.) Even though this means happily and willingly accepting my place as a single girl, because that is where God wants me to be right now, apparently. And someday, I hope, he will remove that cross in my life. Until then, poenae sunt pennae - hardships are the wings.

But until then, here I am, Susie the single. And that's the way it is.

My (2nd) 25

So, there's this thing that's been going around Facebook for a couple of weeks now, where people list 25 random things about themselves. I did one last week, but I decided it wasn't a very good (or random) list, so I did a new one and am posting it here. So there.

1. I hate commercials. If I'm in control of the remote, commercials always get muted. They're terribly loud (to quote Angela). And I especially hate it when people don't think to mute the commercials but still want to talk during them, so they just talk more loudly.
   
   
2. I live in a family of loud people. And I'm a fairly quiet person, most of the time. This means that I don't often talk at family gatherings, or elsewhere, really, especially when there's a conversation including more than just me and another person. I'm not good at jumping into a conversation to get my opinion heard, either. (Hence the blog, perhaps...)
   
   
3. I also tend to think that there is too much talking in the world. I may write a lot, yes, maybe too much, but I don't think I can be accused of being too talkative typically. I get annoyed when people just talk, talk, talk all the time. And then some more. And then interrupt me when I finally get a chance to say something so they can keep talking. Silence is golden, after all.
   
   
4. I love singing loudly along with the music in my car. But typically only when I'm alone (and especially when I'm listening to Michael Buble). It's part of the reason I very much don't mind driving (road trip, anyone?), and don't mind driving alone. It's also why no one will ever truly know just how awesome a singer I really am.
   
   
5. Until I went to college, I had never heard of Samoas cookies. And then I discovered that there are two companies that make Girl Scout Cookies, and one of them has creative (and weird) names for many of their cookies, while the other has pretty bland but descriptive names. Samoas = Caramel deLites (the best cookies ever). Do-Si-Dos = Peanut Butter Sandwiches (I think...I forget which ones those are. Because Do-Si-Dos isn't a very descriptive name, now is it?) Etc. It blew my mind when my midwest-dwelling college friends told me about this. (And now, my dad just bought a box of Do-Si-Dos from some girl scouts outside Safeway today. And they're called Do-Si-Dos. So maybe that company has taken over everything. Or the other one just decided to switch to the less descriptive names. Weird.)
   
   
6. I will never, never, never ever go bungee jumping, or sky diving, or hang-gliding, or anything like that. No way. I have no desire to go scuba diving or snorkeling, either, but I'd be willing to do that type of thing, if the right person asked me. I'm just not the adventurous type.
   
   
7. I've also never had a desire to go on a cruise, or to visit Hawaii, or Australia, or any of those tropical-type locations. I would, however, gladly go on an Alaskan cruise, or to visit Alaska, or Canada, or any of those cold, northerly locations.
   
   
8. I don't wear any skirts that fall above my knees if I can help it. (Being taller than average, however, and with many skirts being one common length that would be knee-length on most average girls, this is sometimes difficult to achieve.) This isn't necessarily because of the modesty factor, but because I think my knees are far too pudgy and ugly to see the light of day. And no one wants to see them anyway.
   
   
9. Along those lines, I can't remember the last time I was in a bathing suit, unless it was freshman year when I went swimming that one time. And the next time I'm in a bathing stui, it'll be underneath a t-shirt of some kind, along with a pair of boy-short bathing suit bottoms. Because, again, no one wants to see that.
   
   
10. Cake Wrecks is an awesome blog that has brought much laughter to my life. Oh man.
    
    
11. I'm a grammar snob, and I blame it entirely on my dad. In high school, the few times I would let him edit a paper I wrote (meaning, the few times I wrote it with enough time left for someone to edit it...), he would always point out split infinitives, which I had never noticed or paid attention to before. At first it annoyed me that he did that. Now, I notice them all the time and that annoys me. Because they're everywhere. Among many, many other grammatical mistakes, which I also always notice. --> To go along with this, I hate Internet-speak and am convinced that it's helped ruin people's appreciation for (and knowledge of) correct grammar and spelling. You will never catch me using any of those inane abbreviations, or using numbers for words or parts of words, or any of that ridiculousness.
    
    
12. I've had a blog since...junior year of high school, I believe, so that's about six years now. I've gone from Xanga to Livejournal and now to Blogger, where I've been the longest (I think). And believe it or not, I've never been a lax blogger. (I know, surprise, surprise.) What can I say, blame it on ignored quiet middle child syndrome.
    
    
13. I very much wish I could have lived as a contemporary of Anne Shirley (aka Anne of Green Gables). The time, the place, the people. I also often wish that I had lived in any time period in history prior to the 1950s. I know I'm romanticizing the past, but every time period has its pros and cons, and I happen to think that the cons of today outweigh the cons of back then. In my mind, anyway. (And sometimes I think people demonize past periods too much, too, in an effort to make sure people don't romanticize them.) But here and now is where and when God put me, and that's the way it is.
    
    
14. I make the Sign of the Cross when I drive by Catholic churches. But only when I'm by myself, because even if I'm with my mom (who, I think, also does that, and I think that's who I picked it up from), I feel like my doing it will seem like all action and no meaning - as if I'm just doing it to make myself look more pious or something.
    
    
15. I sleep with my pillow (and, obviously, head) at least a foot down from the top of the mattress. This means that my feet always stick out the bottom of my bed if my legs are straight. I'm not sure why I do this, except possibly for the extra-cocooning factor, but I've done that for a long time. I guess it's comfortable to me somehow.
    
    
16. Every day I live in Colorado Springs, I love and hate it a little bit more. I've come to realize that the only things I really love about the Springs are the views of the mountains and the people I know and like here. And the water. The things I really dislike about the Springs are the city-nesses of it. The crowds of people, the traffic, the light pollution. And Colorado Springs isn't even that big of a city, so I don't know how I'd ever survive in a really big city. I often think I should have grown up on a farm or ranch in the country (or mountains) somewhere. Who knows, maybe I'll end up there someday. But what I do know is that I love Colorado.
    
    
17. I kind of wish it were summer already just because I can't stand what a disappointment this "winter" has been. Because, really, it hasn't been winter. It's been sort of a crappy spring, minus the blooming trees and flowers. At least I know there's no chance of snow in the summer, so I don't hope for it.
    
    
18. Based on the one prior experience I had with Australian Cattle Dogs (well, the one dog I knew of that breed, which included several years of knowing him), I wasn't too impressed. Far too high-energy for my liking. So when I got Hazel last summer and they said she was an ACD mix, I was very hesitant for a little while. But by the time she died in January, I had fallen in love with the breed, and even her extreme high-energy. So now my new dog is part ACD (although, while she definitely looks heeler, she doesn't quite act very much like the heelers I've know. Not yet, anyway. She's still getting used to things, though, so who knows).
    
    
19. I love, love, love the fact that February is an even and exact four weeks. I especially love it this year, because it makes a perfect rectangle (in the typical American calendar, anyway), starting with Sunday and ending with Saturday. Four weeks all perfectly filled in, with no extras. I love symmetry.
    
    
20. After Christmas break my senior year, I drove back to ND from Colorado by myself, all 17 or 18 hours, give or take, including through Nebraska, plus a stop for the night in Iowa. It was actually pretty fun, and I enjoyed it and sort of want to do it again. By myself, even. Or maybe especially. And the hotel I stayed in that one night was pretty sweet, too, with a living room in addition to the (huge) bed. I got there in time to see most of one of the playoff games, where the Patriots beat someone to keep going in the playoffs. (They would eventually get to the Super Bowl where they would lose to the stupid Giants after an otherwise perfect season and post-season. I don't like the Giants.)
    
    
21. I like football a lot. More than most guys I know, family members excluded. I'm not sure what that's about (aren't all guys supposed to love football and sports? Apparently not).
    
    
22. I really wish I had worked at a national park for at least one summer during college. I considered it, although never very seriously. I think it could have been an amazing experience. I'd still like to, but logistically (not to mention financially) it'd be a bit more difficult to manage now.
    
    
23. I'm 23 and I've never been kissed. And since I'm not currently in a relationship, nor have I ever been in a serious relationship, I'm ok with that. (However, as for the not in a relationship thing, I'm not so ok with that. But all in God's time, right?)
    
    
24. If I ever do get married, I think I would be perfectly happy spending my honeymoon in Estes Park. Or possibly Breckenridge or Aspen (but not to ski. I don't ski).
    
    
25. I often wish that I had kept up lessons/playing my violin and actually worked harder to be great at it. The fact that I didn't start until 8th grade, though, probably made being "great" somewhat impossible, especially up against those who started at three or four or at least fourth grade when everyone learns an instrument. If there's one thing I think I would love to be doing, though, it's playing professionally in an orchestra/philharmonic. Makes me kind of sad, actually.

Songs to Make You Happy (or, Songs That Make Me Happy)

Boo, I couldn't find this one in an embeddable format. (Who doesn't allow embedding? LAME.) So here's the link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sXZ1tygRaVw. Boy oh boy does that make me miss my friends and the Backer. I haven't listened to that song in awhile. Sigh. I miss them quite a lot. (And also, weird song, weird video, but oh so good and catchy. And fun to dance to.)

Also, this reminds me of Backer, good friends, and good times:


(To be fair, the music video doesn't, because I think I saw it for the first time ever like a week or two ago. But it's pretty awesome. Music videos in the 80s were so far superior to music videos now. As were the songs.)

And this one is just because it's 80s, and it's so bad, and I love it for that reason. Yet it's creepy. And weird. But I still like to watch it. It's hilarious.


Any other good music videos? (I'm really bummed I couldn't embed the second one. Ridonkulous.)

Backgrounded

Early in January, I changed the background on my computer. It was similar to the heading I had on here for about a month, that picture of Hazel, taken at the same time but I think a slightly different angle, or a different zoom, or something. I changed my blog picture, but I never really look at that anyway, and did it more in case it was bothering other people (family) who would find it somewhat painful to see Hazel every time they checked my blog. But I can't do the same for myself, with my background picture.

I know I should change it. It's doing me no good to see her, right there, with all the cute and wonderful features I loved about her, unable to see or touch or kiss the real thing ever again. But I can't stand the thought of changing it. Because once I do, that'll be it. There will be no point in ever putting a picture of her as my background again, and that hurts a lot.

Things are a bit better on my end, in my heart, with Nutmeg, but that doesn't stop me from missing Hazel so very very much. I still hate that she's gone. I hate it. Sigh. There's really nothing that can make this better, either, except time, I guess. I hate that too. I hate that someday the thought of her won't hurt so much.

I'll be ok. I know that. I'm just in a weird place right now, a place I haven't really been before. Not a place I particularly like, but that's the way it is. God doesn't always give us what we like. Or what we want. In fact, he probably doesn't give us what we want more often than he does. Partly because what we want isn't always what's best for us, and also because that's just not the way life works. It's not all puppy dogs and rainbows. And that's ok. It sucks, but it's ok.

Doesn't help, though, that it seems like lately my family's been hit by a lot more of the non-puppy dogs and rainbows than the good stuff. I know that lots of worse things could happen than have happened, but it still sucks. I think we're all kind of just holding on as tightly as we can for something really good finally to happen. Who knows what, or if, or when, it'll be. But hey, here's hoping it will be.

The real mysteries of life

Why is it that I'm always one of the coldest people inside buildings, classrooms, enclosed spaces, etc, yet I can be outside in cold weather wearing the least amount of clothing of anyone I'm with and be the warmest? It's like my body can't heat itself properly unless it's outside in cold weather. Last night Mom and I went for a little walk, she wearing several layers, a coat, probably a hat and gloves and stuff, me wearing a rather thin long sleeved shirt and a sweatshirt. She was cold the whole time, I didn't ever really feel that cold. Yet, here I am in my 62 degree house, wearing essentially the same thing as last night, and I'm chilly. It don't make no sense, y'all.

And I'm also the only person who consistently needs sweatshirts in the summer. For which my siblings like to make fun of me. (And I'm ok with that. Sweatshirts rock, anyway. Why put them away for the season?)

Maybe it's a subconscious thing - I love cold weather so much and always want it to be cold, so when I'm out in it my body just knows to like it, because cold weather rocks. However, being inside a cold house does not.

Nah, I don't know. Maybe my body is better at keeping itself warm than other people's when I'm moving, but it's worse at it than other people's when I'm just sitting.

Who knows. Who knows.

Yay!

Two great college friends of mine got engaged today, after dating for...quite awhile. Haha. And they are up visiting ND this weekend, so apparently the proposal happened at the lake, which is cliche but so wonderful. (There's nothing wrong with being cliche, in my opinion.)

I'm so happy for them. And I can't wait to go to the wedding!

Congrats, Gail and Tim!

Phone whoas

So, this morning I woke up. Realized that my radio was on which means the alarm had gone of which means my phone alarm should have gone off by that point. I looked at my phone, all confused, and saw that a calendar reminder alarm was on it. So I went to turn that off, and found that the screen had frozen. Hence, my phone alarm hadn't gone off. But I had a bigger problem (since I thankfully have the backup of my radio alarm, which hasn't yet failed me when my phone alarm does). My phone was basically useless all day, despite my numerous turn-offs (it was frozen, but I could still hold down the button that turns it off, and I could turn it back on), battery take-outs, and the like. The front screen was fine, and not frozen, but that didn't help me much - and the backlight on the front screen wouldn't turn off like it normally does, so I kept it off most of the day or else it would have run out of battery. After work I stopped by an AT&T store that's on my way home, and the guy there couldn't figure out what to do so he gave me the number of the warranty place or something. I called it when I got home, that guy had no idea what was going on, so we made arrangements to have a new one sent to me. I ok'ed the $12 2-day shipping charge, because otherwise it would have been five business days, and that's like a week from now. (As it is, 2 day still only gets me the phone by Monday, if Monday counts, and I'm not sure it does since it's a holiday.)

Anyway, then after dinner I was driving to Bible study. I felt the phone vibrate in my pocket, either once or twice, but by the time I had fished it out it had stopped. I opened it, just for kicks and giggles, and again just for fun I hit one of the buttons. And lo and behold, it worked! Just like that! It had unfrozen itself. I was beyond surprised. And now it's working fine, but the new phone is still coming because who knows if this will happen again. But at least now I can get the pictures of Hazel that I have on this one that I was sad about losing. The ringtones I've downloaded (two) and texts and stuff I don't care about as much as those pictures. Although I do hate that things like that can't get saved to the SIM card. It'd make things oh so much nicer.

But for now it's good. And it snowed ever so slightly tonight, which, though pointless, was still nice. And it's always better to end the day on a good note than to start on a good note (if you have to pick one or the other). Well, maybe it's not really, but I sort of think it is.

*****

I just heard that there's a new video game out in which the player rapes women in the game. And then, if the women become pregnant, force them to have abortions. I can't really believe someone would actually make a game with that premise, but apparently, someone did. I half don't believe it, though. It seems too ridiculous to be real. But apparently I also like to stick my head in the sand when it comes to some things in this world, so who knows.

*****

Tomorrow is Friday, and thank God for that. (A snow day would make it just about as wonderful as possible, but I'm certainly not going to hold my breath for that. Or any snow days. Ever. Again. Until I move to Alaska.)

*****

I just read a post by someone who was asking for suggestions as to what to tell a friend who is cohabiting with his (her?) girl (boy?) friend, and they are serious about getting married when financial restraints allow. They're not sure about what to do re: confession, though, because "it would be ridiculous to stop fornicating now given their future plans" or something, so do they just confess the same thing over and over?

And this is what people actually think about this stuff? About being Catholic? About the confessional? Sigh. "They've already been doing it for so long that to stop now would be...weird and ridiculous." Huh?

Sometimes it's like banging my head against a wall. Whatever.

*****

Saved from the questionable phone. One of my favorite pictures of her. My phone background since my brother took it and sent it to me. God I miss that dog. Look at her. Ugh. What a sucky thing. She was such a great dog.

And on that note, I depart. Off to go to bed, with thoughts and memories of one dog in my head, and the real thing of another dog sleeping next to me.

Freaking out

I'm fairly concerned that I won't be able to like Nutmeg as much as I like Hazel. They have quite different personalities. And I really liked Hazel's personality. I took Nutmeg to the vet tonight just for a check up and to get a couple vaccinations, and she growled at a couple dogs she got close to. What if she is very anti-other dogs, and never gets along well with any? I don't like that idea. Hazel loved other dogs. Kebbie and Pebo like each other, and they would be friendly enough with other dogs (Pebo more so than Kebbie, who was always more concerned with looking for squirrels), but they didn't growl at them, typically. I don't know what to do.

I want to like her. Obviously. I mean, she's mine, and it's not like I can just take her back (technically, I do have a window of like 2-3 weeks from when I adopted her, in case things just don't work out, but I'd feel like the worst person in the entire world if I did that to her). So I don't know. I keep trying to tell myself that I didn't warm to Hazel for probably at least the first week I had her. It takes time, I guess, for me to form attachments. I don't know.

Sigh. I never make the right decisions. What if I shouldn't have gotten her? What if I should have gotten a puppy, with whom I could form that bond possibly more easily? What if I did the wrong thing?

Hotmail is dumb.

Sometimes, I send things to myself at home from my work computer that I might want to work on that night (press releases, etc). But several times now, for some reason it never makes it to my hotmail account. I blame hotmail, because I trust outlook more than hotmail. Hotmail is dumb.

*****

"She realized she didn't want to be married. She just wanted to be a mother. That required finding a sperm donor."

Wow. Some people are really selfish. "I want a kid. I want to be a mother. I don't care that it means my kids won't have a father." Ok, now, I don't think there's anything wrong with having lots of kids, obviously. That's not the problem here (for me. For some, maybe). It's her method. It's her mindset. It's the IVF. All of that. (I'm talking about the mom of octuplets. Who already had six children under the age of 8. All through invitro. None with a father.)

Sigh.

Apparently with each of her pregnancies, she was implanted with six embryos. That's 36 total embryos. 36 humans, created unnaturally, most of which died (and were expected to die). Maybe more, actually, because I think they said before this last one, they tried two times that were unsuccessful. This woman is so baby-crazy, so wanting of these "blessings" that she's willing to create and mess around with, that almost (or more than) 30 lives were lost before they even had a chance. I hadn't even thought about that before they mentioned the number implanted with each pregnancy. Because those are all human lives, whether or not you want to believe it. It just doesn't make sense to me. (Oh, and yes, I of course believe babies are gifts from God, are blessings. But blessings are meant to be given, not taken like is done through IVF.)

Whatever.

*****

I still really, really miss Hazel. I guess I didn't expect a new dog would automatically make that go away, but yeah. It still sucks a little bit. Or a lot. But I figure, I can't have Hazel back no matter how much I wish, and no dog will ever be just like her, and who knows if I'll be able to love another dog like I loved her, so I might as well help make another dog's life a lot better by providing her with a safe, happy, stable, loving home that she hasn't had in awhile. I'm worried, though, that every time I look at her I'll be a little disappointed that she's not Hazel. Maybe that will go away soon enough. I know it took me awhile to warm up and get used to Hazel when I first got her. Who knows.

All I know is, Hazel was great, and I miss her. A lot. All the time. Probably more than a person should miss a dog. (Not that it makes me all depressed all the time, I just wish she were still here all the time.)

*****

I might be going girly-shopping this weekend. I hopefully will. I never ever do that. But, weird as this might sound, there's a dance next weekend, a Catholic young adult dance, so a bunch of us are planning on going out to look at dresses (I already have one) and such. Hopefully it can happen on Sunday, otherwise they're doing it Monday as many people (not me) have it off. President's Day. I haven't gotten that (or most other federal holidays) off since high school. So, anyway, here's hoping it can happen on Sunday, because that'll be fun.

Some things are almost too ridiculous to believe

Apparently, Obama would make a better pope than BXVI. Interesting, Hans Kung. Yes, it really is a shame that Benedict won't go against 2000 year old Church teaching on things like birth control and abortion. And oh yes please, let's follow Obama's example on things.

Why oh why is there not an eye roll smiley?

Also, Boston College recently decided to put crucifixes in all their classrooms (imagine that). (As an aside, I loved that every. single. public room at ND had a crucifix somewhere. They were always nice to look at. And if my mind was going to wander, it might as well wander to contemplating the mystery of that cross, right?) And, right away, there's protest by professors who say that it's offensive. "Calling the crucifixes and Catholic icons offensive at a Jesuit University, at least one professor is refusing to teach in classrooms adorned by crucifix even if he should have to move his class to a different room at his own expense." Yeah. Wow. How dare a Catholic (at least, they call themselves Catholic, right?) college put crucifixes and Catholic icons where people might see them? The horror!

Sigh. What a wacky world. Even (especially?) within the Catholic world.

Mmm, numbered lists

First: People, the funniest comment ever made on this blog was made today. Today is historic.

Yeah... I knew CK and I were gonna be all right when we could both lick the turkey platter at the same time too....

It might not be as funny to those who don't know the commenter and/or the referenced "CK", but man. It's funny. (They were roommates senior year, for a bit of context.)

So, if any of you were hoping to make the funniest comment, well, the game just got stepped up.

(Not that I expect people to be making funny comments. Heck, comments at all are rarities. And I'm ok with that.)

Second: You may have noticed, I changed the heading picture. It was very, very sad to do. I still very much miss my Hazel. Nutmeg is great, but she's not Hazel, and thus her being here doesn't make me miss Hazel any less. It just makes it less obvious.

Thirdly: Remember those cattle dog puppies I mentioned last week sometime? Well, for various reasons I had given up on them, thinking they were probably adopted by now. And when I tried calling the place on Saturday (between deciding not to get either the puppy nor the Nutmeg that we had been deciding between at the adoption fair, and then deciding to go back and get Nutmeg), no one answered, and blah blah blah I figured that wasn't meant to be. Well then I get a call yesterday saying they have a couple girls and a boy, and then there were finally pictures of them on the local cattle dog rescue site where I had found them to begin with. So cute. And I'm not regretting that I got Nutmeg, but I do slightly wish I were in a position where I could have her and one of these little puppies. It is nice not having to deal with the annoying parts of puppyhood, though. Like housetraining. We have a lot of training to do otherwise (she doesn't seem to know any commands as far as I can tell), but that'll come. She's smart. And cute. And sweet. And is totally good at manipulating me with her pathetic eyes.

Fourthly: Saturday is Valentine's Day. Seeing as how I certainly won't be busy that night, and pretty much all my friends around these parts are in relationships, I'm thinking of watching my nephews that night so my sister and her husband can go out to dinner or something. I don't know if they want to (but why wouldn't they?).

Fifthly: I just needed a fifth because I like round numbers. Like fives and tens. Lucky for me I was born in a five year.

Wishing for a month of Sundays

So far, February Sundays have been great. Last Sunday was good, today was good. I had kind of a rough week (I cried a lot on Tuesday because of missing Hazel so much, and I hadn't cried for over a week before that. And the rest of the week was tough too). Who knows if this week will be any better, but I do have a dog in my life again, so it's gotta be improved at least a little. Dog = happy feelings.

I still think it's weird that I got an adult dog instead of a puppy. But at the same time, cute as puppies are, there's a part of me that really didn't want a puppy, I think. And hopefully Nutmeg will be good for me, and I for her. I just always hate the thought of adult dogs without homes. It's easier for puppies to get homes (even slightly older puppies), especially because they're so cute. Dogs shouldn't be living in shelters. At least a lot of rescue places have foster homes, but still. Dogs should have homes that they'll be in forever. So anyway. I'm glad I could take Nutmeg out of that and give her a home where she'll be loved and spoiled (and she already has been, believe me). She really is sweet, too. The only time she hasn't been so far is with my little brother's puppy, and I think they've gotten to where the bad feelings mostly only exist when there's food on the line - and not even all the time there, either. At one point tonight they were both licking the turkey platter at the same time, which was nice to see. I want them to get along. I know everything's all new for Meg and everything, but yeah. Hopefully she'll adjust. (And if she doesn't, Peter and Sara are moving in a little over a month, so she and Jazmin won't have to see each other much.) I hope she gets along well with dogs in general. I really grew to enjoy taking Hazel to the dog park, and I'd like to be able to take Nutmeg too. But it's not the end of the world if she doesn't - at least she's a good people dog, and so far she's been great with Jimmy playing with her mouth and ears and such, and that's more important. She's definitely very mellow. As long as she likes going for walks with me, it's all good. (We went on a walk today, and she seemed to enjoy it. Don't really know how to tell if a dog likes going for a walk or not...)

Anyway. Things are good. And I got a great homily today at Mass, appropriately enough about suffering. There's been a lot of suffering going on lately. (And I'm well aware that my "suffering" pales in comparison to many people in the country and world.) Fr. Kizito said some great things, though. Including some directly applicable to my life, which is nice. I mean, it was nothing earth-shattering or anything I didn't already know or believe, but still. It's nice to hear a good homily.

Have I mentioned lately that I can hear great now? I haven't had any problems since last Thursday (like, the 29th) when they got my ears all cleaned out. The Sunday before that was the worst, when I couldn't really hear out of either. But I guess I'm good for awhile now. It's been nice. Also nice? The sense of smell. I'm always especially thankful for it on cold winter days when I can smell the potential snow, or at least just the smell of cold, and the smell of fires burning in people's fireplaces when I take the dog out for a walk, and just the smell of winter is so lovely. I'm glad I have a sense of smell.

Things are good. Like I said, who knows what the week will hold. And next Saturday is Valentine's Day which means...nothing to me. Stupid day. But whatever. And hey - all you out there who will be celebrating, have a fantastic time! Really. It's good to have fun and celebrate love. And besides, I have a dog again, so in your face...um...whoever. Also, looks like I have some relatives, and aunt and uncle, coming into town next month, which is exciting. (It's fairly rare to get relatives out here. But always nice.) Of course, the day they leave is the same day Peter and Sara leave, so that'll be a sad day. But, you know, all in God's plan.

Man, I hope I did the right thing getting Meg, as opposed to a puppy. I think I did. I mean, how do you ever really know? Any dog can be the right dog. So we'll see. She sure is sweet, and oh man that face.

Oooh this week is the feast of Our Lady of Lourdes, an apparition I've grown to love since last year. I hope I can make it to Mass on Wednesday...I guess I'll either have to get myself up early and maybe go to the 7am at St. Pat's, or...maybe I could go to the chapel at the Citadel after work. I think that mass is at 6pm. It'd mean missing Katie's, though...and I think she has goodies this week for Valentine's Day and whatnot. I'd prefer to go to the 7am, even though it means getting up at 6 at the latest...hm. Well, now that I have a dog to care for again, and one who needs a little bit more work and love being an abandoned adult and all, hopefully it'll give me more impetus to get to bed earlier so I can get up earlier. And with Lent coming (and thus Internet going), I certainly won't have much to fill up my nights until the wee hours of the morning. (Seriously, the internet thing is just bad. I almost can't wait to give it up for Lent. But of course I will, because I'm addicted.)

Anyway. I like Sundays. (Any day I get to receive Jesus's body is good, right? I wish it were easier to get to daily Mass these days...sigh.)


(Completely unrelated to anything, except that it's currently assaulting my ears (and eyes when I choose to look up), Platoon is definitely not a movie I ever want to sit and watch willingly. Man. I realize that it portrays the "war is hell" thing really well, and I'm sure people in those situations curse(d) at least that much, but I'd really prefer not to hear it. Somehow, despite four years of public high school and four years of college, I am still very much affected by hearing curse words. The one in particular. The one which is repeated over and over in this movie, it seems. Maybe it's worse now than it used to be because I'm never around people who say it anymore. It's fairly frequently said by college students (although possibly less at ND than public universities and such), but I would be blown away to hear anyone at work say it, in my presence at least, and mostly my family members don't. Nor do friends I hang out with. Which is nice. So anyway. Yeah, that, and the shouting, and the loud shooting and banging, and everything - Platoon is not a Susie movie. It has a gorgeous song running throughout it, though (Adagio for Strings. Mmm).)

It's cool, because you think it's one thing, but it's really another

Someday, if I'm feeling particularly ambitious/homemakery, I'm totally making this. It's amazing.

(See, Cake Wrecks isn't just good for a hearty chuckle or laugh. Sometimes it's good for being amazed and inspired!)

Plus, I have a special love for red velvet cake because it's the first (and probably only, actually) cake that I made from scratch. Other cakes I've made have just been cake mixes. It didn't look too pretty, but I'm pretty sure it tasted ok.

Nutmeg.

I can't believe I did it, but I went to get a puppy, and came back with a dog. Somewhere between 1-2 years old. That face, though. I just couldn't say no.

Here's hoping I did the right thing...

It's not about having answers. It's about knowing Who will provide them.

Yesterday, I cried about Hazel for the first time in over a week. For a good hour. And it would have been longer had I not had to pull myself together to celebrate Peter's 21st birthday in public at Old Chicago's. (So it was good for me that I had to.) I really really miss her.

I got a call tonight in response to an application I filled out on a Colorado Australian Cattle Dog rescue site. I had emailed them a few days ago asking about these puppies they have on their site, 8 weeks old, with no picture. The person said that they'd be getting them this week, and I guess they got them today, and called to see if I'm interested in one. I'm hesitant because I can't decide if getting another Heeler is the right thing. I mean, would it just set up even more and higher expectations for the new puppy to be as good as Hazel? At the same time, though, I loved a lot of Hazel's personality traits, which are probably attributable to her breed. But then, my sister had a cattle dog a few years back, and his personality traits definitely weren't as cute. To me, from the outside, at least. It's impossible to tell what kind of a personality any given dog will have, though, regardless of what breed it is. So I just don't know. (Then there's the fact that I don't like the markings of a lot of ACDs - too many tiny spots all over. Hazel was mostly a few solid colors, with spots confined to her legs and snout. She was just a pretty, pretty dog.)

Someone tell me what to do.

Anyway, in other news, I finally finished the second blanket I had been knitting. I wish I had made it longer, though, but I had been working on it for a month (although there was a two week chunk in there when I didn't get much done on it), and yeah. Hopefully it's ok. The recipient seemed to like it, so that's what matters, I guess. I could never do that for a living, though. I'd never feel like whatever I made would be good enough. It's easy to find the flaws. But, it's done. Now I can redo the hat I knit for myself back in December or whenever it was, that I decided is too big. Of course, seeing as how this is Colorado and the driest, warmest winter EVER, I doubt I'll need it again. (And man, even that reminds me of Hazel. The few times I wore it were when I took her for walks on particularly cold nights. The three really cold nights we had in December/January. Everything reminds me of Hazel.)

Hazel. Hazel. Hazel.

Life is confusing.

Also, while I'm super sad about Hazel, I know that things could be worse. Yesterday, the husband of Amy Welborn, a popular Catholic blogger/author, who was himself a popular author/blogger, died unexpectedly. He was pretty young, and it's incredibly sad to say the least. Easily (and sadly) puts things into perspective. It's awful, and I can't pretend to know anywhere near what it must be like for his family right now. I'm well aware that my troubles pale in comparison. But at least his family can be pretty darn sure where he is right now (or where he will be before too long). That's at least some consolation.

Anyway, I was thinking about Amy and her family much of the day today (as well as, selfishly, my own problems). Thinking about God and how much we have to hold on to him because we just never know what's going to happen. And tonight she posted her husband's final column (he wrote for their diocesan newspaper), which I would encourage everyone to read. It's pretty inspiring and uplifting, in a way, in addition to being sadly timely. But it's true. We need to trust, no matter what. Definitely something I need to work on. Something I hope I don't have to work on at the level that his family is now having to do. (I can't even imagine going through that. And I hope I never have to, at least not that unexpectedly. Losses, though, are inevitable.)

I don't know what I'm talking about. I can't possibly know what that family is going through right now. I mean, I'm upset about a dog. That's nothing compared to a husband/father.

So, whatever. Time to end my rambling.

Rested

God keeps pushing me closer and closer to him. And it's becoming more and more clear that I have no choice but to turn fully and completely to him for comfort, because nothing else fills what God can fill. "Our hearts are restless until they rest in you." Doesn't mean we get all (or any) of the answers, but...we have God. And that's what matters; that's what we really need. Even when bad news (or even just a lack of good news) seems to be coming out of the woodwork, I know that I have no choice but to keep a firm hold on God, and somehow I'll be ok.

Nothing is permanent except for Him.

Two steps forward, one step back...

The closer I get to the reality of getting a new dog, the more I miss Hazel.

I miss her a lot. And I think I'm just pushing it back and ignoring it and waiting to get a new dog so I can continue to ignore it.

But man oh man, I miss that dog. She wasn't just another dog, she was mine, and I have eight months of great memories with her. I don't want to have to start all over, but I can't go back.

And the more dogs I look at online (rescue sites and whatnot), the more I think that this might be one decision I have to make on an impulse. It won't be hard to fall in love with another dog, but the thought of it, of another dog taking Hazel's place (in essence, not in reality), it a little difficult to consider for very long. I think this is one decision I need to stop researching and just do one of these days, if I'm going to do it.

I don't know. I just miss Hazel and all her great sweetness. That's all I know. I know that I'll love another dog just as much, but I guess I wish I didn't have to. Of course I'd rather just have Hazel back. Sometimes I still can't believe she's really gone. It sucks, that's what I know.

I want my Hazelnut back.

Dear February

Way to go. You're rocking the socks off of January so far.

Granted, January had quite a few more hours than you to be awful, but I doubt that you'll be able to match the awfulness that January contained. Especially with a start like today. So, good job.

Keep it up.

(And, um, maybe try to throw in a few snow storms and below 30 degree days in there too, k? So far the weather situation isn't looking much better than January - lots of 40s, 50s, 60s, and sun, sun, sun. I need some winter, February! So, get on that.)

(But if the "nice" weather is the worst thing you have to offer me, I'll be ok with that. I promise. But try to make up for it in some other way, ok?)


(By the way - yay Steelers winning the Super Bowl! If it can't be the Patriots, might as well be the Steelers! Also, I entered a contest guessing the results of the game, and I said Steelers would win 27-24. Steelers won 27-23. From what I can tell, that's the closest, with a lot of other people saying 27-21. So, if the rules don't specify that I can't go over, I might just win a $25 amazon gift card! But even if I don't win, I know that I won in my heart. Haha.)

I know it's just another month. February is no more evil or good than January. But it feels better. And I feel...hopeful. (Dare I say it?) Who knows what'll come of it, who knows where I'll be come March, but I just want to be happy, and darn it, I'm going to try.

Tomorrow I get back into my normal routine, I guess. But maybe I'll get one or two good wrenches thrown into that routine this month, which will be well worth the routine-altering. My routine could use some altering, anyway.

And in the interest of doing that, I'm going to keep this February going on a good note, and get to bed at a reasonable hour tonight. I have several more rows I'd like to add to this blanket I've been working on since after Christmas (for a friend whose birthday was last weekend), and hopefully I can get it done tonight and give it to her at work tomorrow. That's my goal.

So goodnight, Internet. Have a fantabulous February.

Good Riddance

Dear January,

You have less than fifteen minutes left until you're gone for the rest of the year. I can't wait for you to be gone. You've never been terribly kind to me, and this year was particularly bad.

I won't be at all sorry to see you gone for eleven more months. And I'll be equally unexcited to see you come back in eleven months. I just have nothing good to say about or to you.

Maybe one of these years you'll surprise me and give me something good, but I won't be holding my breath. I'll wait for the bad stuff with you, and expect the better stuff with ANY OTHER MONTH.

Because, January, I hate you.

So get out of here, and take your blahs, your disappointments, and your general unpleasantness with you.

Bring on February.