Lonely for my Hazelnut

I think tonight's the first time in a long time that I've been home alone for a significant stretch of time, especially at night.

Makes me really, really miss Hazel.

A lot.

Getting wisdom teeth out was nothing compared to this ongoing pain.

(And I know, I'm a big baby.)

I'm doing it. Next weekend, I'm going to find a new puppy to love. I think. (But what if Hazel getting hit by a car was God's way of telling me that I shouldn't have a dog right now? It seems like everything he might be telling me is his way of telling me that I can't be happy. Which pretty much sucks.)

Maybe I'll just go cry in the cake I'm baking.

Milkshakes just aren't doing it.

I really, really, really want to eat some chips.

I just hope I can eat some real food by Sunday when there will be lots of Super Bowl snacks to munch on. (Speaking of which - I need to make a bread bowl spinach dip. I'll at least be able to eat that, the soft parts anyway.)

I'm just freaked out about getting food stuck in the holes (the idea of all or any of that completely grosses me out), and then getting an infection, and then having large amounts of pus to get out.

Believe me, it's happened before. To someone I know. And may or may not be sitting right next to at the moment. (Well, next to but on different couches. I don't like him that much. Haha.)

I have a confession to make

I really don't like my little brother's dog. It's a little cairn terrier, and it's small, and it's annoying. I've never really known any little dogs that well, so I've just disliked them from afar. (Little dogs are just rats to me, only slightly cuter and such.) But I really don't like his dog. (I like to call it a pigeon rat, a la The Simpsons.) And, for the record, I didn't like her even before Hazel died, so it's not just that. Although that probably doesn't help for some reason.

But I just really don't like her.

(I know. I'm a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad person.)

Swolded.

Teeth removed - four.

Pieces of gauze used - many.

Prescription painkiller ingested - one (which was then thrown up later, probably before it was fully dissolved/digested).

Ibuprofens ingested - six (going with those in case the painkiller was part of the reason for the throwing up).

Food consumed - not enough. (Most of a little cup of apple sauce and part of a pint of ice cream I was given by the surgeon's office.)

Movies "watched" thus far - Love Actually, Seven Brides for Seven Brothers, Much Ado About Nothing. (I dozed on and off through the first, slept through a lot of the second, and wasn't really conscious for about half of the third. So far.)

All in all it's been an interesting day. I'm pretty sure that I was put into a wheelchair for the trip to the car, but I can barely remember it. Weird. The sedation stuff was weird. I got in the little room, the doctor put an IV in my arm, I remembered to ask before the stuff hit me for the prescription to be something other than vicodin, they put the chair back, the assistant had me open my mouth and put this thing between my teeth to keep my mouth open, and right as she was doing that I started feeling very lightheaded, and that's all I remember. I seem to remember partially becoming conscious again as he was still working, but it was brief and obviously didn't hurt or anything, so whatever. Then the assistant woke me up a little later and said it was time to go home. All told, including 15-20 minutes I was in the waiting room beforehand, I was in the building for an hour. Not too bad. Came home and sat on the couch and promptly fell asleep for a couple hours. It's been an exciting day, haha. The worst part is the intermittent light-headedness I've been experiencing all day, which I'm mostly blaming on the anesthesia. Letting myself fall asleep has usually helped. The pain thus far hasn't been terrible. It's not comfortable to open my mouth very widely, and I'm worried about the cuts getting infected or getting dry socket (which I keep wanting to call dry rot), but right now I'm feeling pretty great because I don't feel light-headed. (I just woke up again a bit ago.) So, yippee and yay, and I'll take pain over head things.

Anyway. Hopefully the worst is over. I can't wait to eat regular food again. And, even more, to be able to eat food without worrying it's getting stuck places...

Hey, at least I can hear better than I've been able to in who knows how long! The thing yesterday went fine, and they got out a surprising amount of wax (gross), and even though I had been able to hear fairly well all week, now I definitely can, and even better than before, I'm sure. It's fantastic.

All that said, I really can't wait for January to be over. I've never liked Januaries that much, and this year has quite cemented that feeling. It's been a pretty craptastic January, really. So. Bring on February (and its symmetrical-ness - exactly four weeks long! Gotta love that).

The night before...

Tomorrow I get my wisdom teeth out. Logically, realistically, I'm pretty sure it'll go fine, and at worst I'll be in some pain and discomfort for the next few days. I still have those moments of, well, irrationality, but what will happen will happen, and I have absolutely no control over that. At all, actually. So that's nice.

Anyway, I sent myself an email to my hotmail account with some things from work that I could work on tomorrow or this weekend if I'm up to it. Chances are I wouldn't get to it anyway, but for some reason, the email didn't get to me. It's very annoying. (I hope I didn't accidentally send it to someone else somehow, but I know I checked that a few times before I sent it.) it's annoying to the point that I'm considering leaving early tomorrow before my appointment to go send it to myself again. We'll see if I actually do that. (I guess what I'm really concerned about is checking to make sure I didn't accidentally send it somewhere else. Even though I know I didn't.) I just don't like it when things don't work the way I expect them to, you know? Like emails being sent. Actually, I think this happened to me once before, trying to send something from my work email with things from my work computer to my home email so I could do something at home. I blame Hotmail.

Anyway. I was looking at puppies online tonight. And last night. And...other times this week. I can't help it. I miss my puppy. So much. I want her back. Of course I'd pick her over any other cute puppy I could get right now. Obviously. But I can't have her back, ever, never, and that's just the way it is. Nothing I can do will change that. But I can change my dog-less-ness. Well, I mean, to an extent. I don't know. I really do think that a new puppy will help me. But I don't know. I just want Hazel back, and that'll make everything better, and I won't be in this situation. I keep looking at puppies, and hoping one of them will be Hazel. But because they're just pictures and not really the puppies themselves, none of them are really good enough at this point. I have to meet one to fall in love. But I still just wish I could have Hazel.

Sigh.

This would all be resolved (not really, but in a perfect world, or not so perfect, because dogs make things so great regardless of other things) if some great guy would just show up and sweep me off my feet. Is that too much to ask for?

(Apparently, puppy love is my replacement for a lack of a love life.) (Obviously not to say that I wouldn't continue loving or wanting a dog if I were, inexplicably, to get a boyfriend tomorrow.) (But it might be distracting enough that I'd be ok without a dog for awhile.) (I can't really say, though, never really having that experience, mostly.) (The end result of all this is that I want Hazel. And since I can't have her, sigh, I want a new puppy to love and cuddle and have it love me.)

The end.

(Prayers for quick and easy wisdom teeth removal and recovery appreciated!)

I almost wish I could forget

I miss Hazel.

:-(

A good day

Today was a good day.

Actually, that's not true. I was pretty down a lot of the day, now that I think about it. But then tonight I went to Spirit and Truth, where we talked about FOCA and its awful implications (and it's always nice to talk about these things with people who agree with me, so we can vent together). We followed that with some nice adoration. I didn't feel it right away, but then after coming home, I had a great two hour discussion about lots of things with my parents and brother, and I'm just feeling a lot better about life right now.

I'm still sad, of course, but...I don't know. I feel hopeful. And I was able to hear all day, which is pretty miraculous. (Seriously. Hearing is miraculous. I take it for granted far too often.) Now I'm just hoping that they actually are getting better and Thursday will just get the final bits out, and won't make them worse again, or I won't go in and find out that the wax is still too hard, or something like that. I hope that Thursday gets it all done once and for all. That'd be nice. And then I'll have great perfect hearing for my wisdom teeth removal on Friday. Yay.

I hope I'm not in too much pain on Friday, because I'm sort of looking forward to it, to lying on the couch all day watching movies. I already have planned out a few that I definitely want to watch. Including...well, I can't remember now. But whatever. I'm also praying that I don't get an infection or have complications or anything because Sunday is the Super Bowl, and I have a Super Bowl party to go to. The important stuff, right? Haha.

Speaking of Hazel (oh, I wasn't?), I miss her. I really miss her, and am sad to think about all the wonderful aspects about her that I won't get to see or experience again. But at the same time, thinking about those things just makes me more excited and anxious to get another puppy so that I can start experiencing new wonderful things about that puppy. There will be differences, which will require adjustments on my part, and because I was still pretty much in the middle of training Hazel (we had the basics mostly down, of course, but even that's relatively fresh), I think it might be frustrating to go back and start all over again. I know it'll be worth it, though. The joy I get from dogs I've had is just...it's so great. And I miss having that daily dose of joy. Even though I technically had Kebbie while I was in college, I didn't really because she was here and I was all the way in northern Indiana, so I was deprived of that joy. And I felt it. And I felt it even more after we put her down and I went back to school for the rest of the semester and knew that there was nothing there that I would be coming home to, pet-wise. And I felt it the...what, two weeks? that I was home after graduation before I got Hazel. It's like the best drug. Sure, maybe I get too attached to dogs. But I sort of like knowing that I have the capability of being attached to something. Of loving something like that. (Plus, you know, dogs are such confidence boosters. I mean, there aren't a lot of people I know who greet me when I come in the door with that much happiness and wiggling. It's nice to know I was missed while I was gone.)

Anyhoo. The point of all this is...I don't know. But I'm back to feeling hopeful again. I finally committed to going to this young adult dance put on by a few of the Catholic young adult groups in the diocese. On the one hand, I hate the idea of going by myself to a dance where there will inevitably be couples. On the other hand, I know a number of people who are going who aren't part of couples. So that's good. And who knows, maybe there will be some great single guy there. It could happen, right?

I know that a part of me is just suppressing and downplaying the sadness I have about Hazel (she really was such a great dog. And so so cute and good-looking. Everyone said so), but I just don't like feeling sad when I think about her. I like remembering all the so many happy memories I have with her. It is a little hard to drive through the neighborhood, or to drive to Holy Trinity (which I tend to do at least once a week), because I pass Palmer Park to and from, and man did I love taking Hazel to Palmer Park. With Kebbie, we had never really explored much of the neighborhood together, at least not since years ago. I went all over with Hazel, though. So anyway. It's difficult. But I really think a new dog would help that aspect of it. Anyway, though, I mostly am just so happy I got to have her for however long I did. It's hard to imagine that she's just completely gone now and I'll never see that puppy face again. It's weird to remember the last time I saw her - between my bedroom and the bathroom before I went to take a shower, when she came upstairs to say hi to me really quickly before running downstairs (and outside, I guess...), because she was just all wiggly and all Hazel-y. Excited about everything. Excited about life. And then twenty minutes later, after my shower and stuff, my parents told me she was gone. Just like that. And I saw her, and I felt her velvet ears one more time, and she was...well, she wasn't Hazel. She was gone. It was hard to reconcile that, looking like she was sleeping but very clearly...not, with the warm happy puppy I had seen that morning. (And of course, I keep thinking "If I had only made her stay upstairs with me just a few more seconds, maybe she'd still be here" and that kind of thing. That's probably inevitable, though, in this situation. But this is the situation, and no amount of wishful thinking or ifs are going to change that.)

Anyway. Who knows where I'll be tomorrow with all of this. But I'm getting through it. And hopefully I'll come out stronger. And maybe with a better relationship with God, who I fully admit is a complete mystery to me right now. (What the heck is he thinking? I know it's gotta be great, but man. When's that greatness going to start being more obvious?) Ah, God's plan. Can't wait to see the finished product. (I went to confession up at Vigil Praise on Saturday, and one thing that the priest told me was this analogy: There's a kid who's sitting on the floor, watching her mother embroider some...picture. She can only see it from one angle - from the back/bottom, where everything is just a bunch of threads, all jumbled without any seeming rhyme or reason. It's not until the kid finally gets to catch a glimpse of the other side, maybe when the mother turns it to show the kid a peek, that the kid realizes that it all makes sense - it's just not obvious from her vantage point. And that's like God's plan for our lives. We can only see it from where we're sitting, where none of it really seems to make sense and it's hard to understand how everything fits together to create anything remotely beautiful or logical. Someday though, with any luck, we'll get to see the finished product, and it'll be more magnificent than we can believe. (I just hope that God lets me sneak a peek one of these days. It'd be nice to know that I am actually on my way to having that picture be finished, instead of floundering around getting the pattern all wrong.)

I guess that's all I have tonight.

EDIT: Gah, man, I do really, really, really miss her. Really. A lot. Just to make sure that's clear. There will never be another Hazel. (And man, I love her name. I hate that I only got to use it for eight months.) Sigh, I miss her. I know I'm ignoring a lot of that. Self-preservation, I guess. She left a huge hole, that's for sure.

Cold snowy weather means happier Susie

So, obviously it's kind of late, but I just got home less than an hour ago, and I'm wondering something.

Why is it that, when everyone else is warm or at least comfortable indoors, I'm freezing - but when it's single digits or below outside, I can be walking around with a sweater and a fleece, no hat or gloves or anything, and not be that cold, when everyone else is walking around with heavy winter coats, hats, gloves, the whole nine yards, and they're all freezing? It doesn't make sense.

Also, I made it home tonight from Promenade Shops at Briargate, with snowy-ish roads, in ten minutes or just under ten minutes. That's a trip that would normally take probably a good twenty minutes. I guess it helps when it's midnight and roads aren't great and it's a Monday night so no one else is out, and I only had to stop once for a red light.

I went to a debate up in Boulder tonight between Christopher Hitchens and Dinesh D'Souza, a famous atheist and a famous Christian. Overall, I'd say it was pretty meh, because basically no one would be swayed to the other side based on what either were saying. Driving home, though, it struck me that I just feel really sad for Hitchens. And atheists in general. Sure, I don't have all the answers, and who knows, maybe I am wrong. But I'd certainly rather go through life mistakenly believing that there is a God when there's not, rather than the other way around. (Not that that's a reason to believe in God, obviously.) Having the worldview that Hitchens does is just sad to me. It's sad that people actually believe that. But they do, and some of them are great people, and...you know...yeah. Anyway.

The drive up to Boulder in the snow was really pretty. I really need to live more in the mountains. But not Boulder. I'd go crazy in Boulder.

For most of today I've had a majority of my hearing. It's been pretty nice, since it's been almost a week since I had that. Hopefully it's a good sign of things to come by the time Thursday rolls around.

And finally, I think I'm definitely trying to ignore or downplay or harden myself to certain things, and I don't know if it's good or bad. I'm in a weird place, and I want to come out of that place eventually. Or soon. You know, whatever.

Oh, and thanks to those of you who have been praying for me. I hate asking for prayers, but I really need them sometimes, and I'm sure they've been helping.

Four glasses and feeling better

I promise I'll change both my blog pictures soon. I realized today that my profile picture thing is a picture of me and Hazel I took a couple months ago. So I'll change those soon, I guess. I just recently put a new picture of Hazel on as my background picture (I had a different one on there before, but this one is a lot more close-up of her. I think it's either the same one or one taken from the same time as the header of my blog), and while I almost hate looking at it, I can't quite bear to change it. Same as the background picture on my phone, which is a cute picture Tom took of her awhile ago, with her front legs on the ground and her back legs still up on the couch.

I miss her.

I've drunk probably half a bottle of wine Tom bought this afternoon, at my request. I don't typically like wine that much, but I had this good stuff at work the other day, and while they didn't have it at the liquor store where Tom went, the guy suggested this one as an alternative. It's pretty good. I'm probably not drinking it with the most honorable intentions, though. But you try losing your sweet 10 month old puppy tragically and unexpectedly while at the same time dealing with not being able to hear in at least one ear at a time for several days, and in neither for the better part of today, and not feel like having a drink or two. (For the record, I'm really not a big drinker, and can probably count the number of times I've ingested any alcohol since graduation on one, maybe two hands.)

Whatever.

It's 12 degrees, feels like zero, and has been lightly snowing all day. Perfect weather for going for a walk with a sweet snow-loving puppy. Alas, mine was taken away from me, and I don't see the point of going for a walk sans dog. So remember those ten pounds I was surprised to have lost when I went to the doctor last week? With the comfort food and less exercise I'll be doing now, I'm sure I won't be wasting any time in gaining those ten pounds back.

Sigh.

I don't think my dad is too keen on getting another dog any time soon. And I know I have to respect that, but it sucks. I mean, I guess I just have to assume it's all in God's hands and all that stuff, but...ugh. I don't think God cares that much about me anymore. I know that's completely not true, but hey, I'm allowed to have my moments, right? My sweet, sweet wonderful dog just died; leave me alone.

A brief respite

Last night, for the first time since Wednesday, I could hear out of my right ear. Everything was surprisingly loud, but that makes sense since I've grown used to being rather deaf in that ear. It was good I got a break from muffled-ness in that one, since as of last night I haven't been able to hear out of my left ear. And of course, once I went to sleep everything got muffled again in the right ear. I've had a few moments today where all of a sudden I can hear out of the right one, but then it goes back to being muffled. I can hear things, just not very well. I can't wait to be done with this, and if it's not fixed when I go back on Thursday, I'm just going to go right crazy.

Yesterday, I also almost managed to make it the whole day without crying. I think I got to about 5pm before I cried (of course, it helped that I was out with people from 8am to 11 or so, and then I took a few hours-long nap in the afternoon). And then I went to Vigil Praise in Denver and easily could have started near-bawling while there, but I managed to keep it quiet and to a few tears that slipped out. It just sucks, you know?

I have decided something, though. I need to get a new puppy. Not to replace Hazel, obviously, because there's no doing that. She was great, and one-of-a-kind, and so very special. But another puppy will have its own great traits that will worm their way into my heart like Hazel's did. I was reading some sites last night (is it weird/pathetic that I need to research every decision so much that I googled "how long to wait before getting a new dog" or something to that effect?) that mentioned that the people who don't tend to wait that long before getting a new puppy are the people who have their lives ordered around taking care of a dog. People who go hiking and take their dogs, and wouldn't find hiking enjoyable without that companion. People whose houses feel so empty with constant reminders that there is no dog sitting on the couch, no dog to lick plates after dinner, no dog to let outside and back in. I hate this house without a dog. I can't go to Palmer Park without a dog. Yesterday and today both began with beautifully frosted trees, which would have been gorgeous to take pictures of at Palmer Park, but I couldn't go there by myself. I love that place. I love taking pictures there. But going there without a dog is just...wrong.

Anyway, something else I read said that those people who get dogs quickly also do it because it helps with their grief. The lack of a dog in the house is a constant reminder, and thus a constant source of sadness. Which I totally understand and agree with. So, I think I need to get a new puppy soon. Don't know when (obviously I have to check with the housemates, because if we're not all at a place where we want to welcome a new dog, then it wouldn't be good for anyone - and by housemates I of course mean my parents. And Tom. All of whom are, both surprisingly and not, really broken up about losing Hazel. She wiggled her way into all of our hearts, even with her jumping up on us and her constant shedding and her constant need to be chasing a ball. I'd give anything to have her jump up on me now, or shed all over my Sunday clothes again, or to have her not leave me alone because she needs to go, go, go. Sigh). It'd probably be two weeks at the earliest, because I'm getting my wisdom teeth out on Friday. Even if the parentals are up for a new puppy this soon. (I think Tom is, but I don't know about them.)

All I know is, there's a place in my heart that only a dog can fill, and right now that place is broken and empty and needs to be healed by a new puppy. There's nothing on earth better than the companionship of a dog. Well, nothing I've experienced anyway. And until I do, dogs it is. Maybe it's not that there's nothing better, but there's nothing quite the same. And non dog people just don't get it.

I need a puppy in my arms again.

The Next Day: A Sob Story

(First, I realize that there have been and will be greater tragedies in this world. I know this is a lot of grief over "just a dog." But to me, dogs will never be "just dogs." Dogs are special. I realize many people can't possibly understand how someone can get so worked up over a dog, but thankfully, many people can.)

Yesterday sucked, plain and simple. I cried pretty much the whole day (more or less non-stop in the morning, then more intermittently in the afternoon). I cried so much that my contacts were getting foggy, so I took them out and wore my glasses the rest of the day. And today. I had a hard time getting to sleep last night, despite the fact that I was really tired and exhausted and wanted to sleep. So I tried what normally works when I need not to think in order to get to sleep - I turned on Anne of Green Gables and hit the sleep timer on my TV. The problem with this, though, was two things: One, because I had taken out my contacts and obviously I don't sleep with glasses on, I couldn't really see the TV all that well. Two, because my right ear has been blocked and basically unusable for hearing since Wednesday, and because I obviously wanted to be able to hear the TV so that the story could distract me from my thoughts (thoughts of my sweet sweet puppy who I miss every inch of, who I'll never get to see again, or run her velvet ears through my hands, or kiss her little puppy diamond giraffe head), I couldn't lie down on my left side because then I couldn't hear at all. But that's the side I have to lie on if I want to face the TV. So it took me forever to get to sleep, and I was tossing and turning all night after that.

It all sucks.

And this ear thing is kicking my butt, too. I went back to the doctor today to get it flushed out, hoping that God would at least give me that (and my hearing back) if nothing else. But no. After half an hour of high-pressure water going straight into both ears, and attempts by the person doing it to get some wax out with this little pick thing, she decided that the wax in both ears is still too hard to get out. She told me to keep putting the softening drips in until Tuesday (which will have been a week of doing that), and then to come back next Friday which is the only day they do the ear cleaning thing. Problem is, I'm getting my wisdom teeth out Friday. So she made an exception and I'm coming back Thursday afternoon. Which means that I get to go more than a full week without hearing in my right ear, unless I get some miracle or something. With my luck, though, the left ear will stop being able to hear well, too. Whatever she did today almost made that happen, and it definitely made the right ear worse.

And I miss Hazel. I want Hazel. I need my Hazel. She was so perfect. I mean, obviously she wasn't, but she was just about as great a dog as I could ever ask for. She was better than I deserve. And I loved her too much. And this hurts probably worse than any other pet loss I've experienced. Colt's death was pretty tough, too, but at least I had six years with her. And I always expected in some part of my mind that she or Kebbie would die while I was away at school. So it was unexpected, but still sort of expected (because I'm a pessimist). This, though, I never saw this coming. Why would I expect my 10 month old puppy to be killed suddenly one morning, minutes (or maybe less, I don't know) after she ran upstairs to say hi before I went to take a shower? God I miss her. I had her essentially the whole time I've been home from school, so every bit of my routine has her all over it. And I don't know what to do now. Everything I've considered or thought of regarding my future has had her in it. My sweet little poopila puppila. I want those dreams back. I want my Hazel back.

This isn't fair. It's not fair.

People at work today (fellow pet-lovers - and by the way, people at work today were great. A few of the women cried with me, which was nice, even one who said she's never really been a pet person but understands that it's real grief. And the biggest dog-lover at work sent me this article in an email, and who knows if it's true or not, but it's comforting. And he's a very staunch and traditional Catholic, too, so if he believes pets will be in heaven, then I definitely have no problem with believing it too) told me that I should go get another puppy soon. And I do really want to, because I hate life without pets, particularly life without dogs. But...I want Hazel. There will never be another Hazel. She was so perfect. Her markings, the weird way she ran and walked, the way her fur was kind of sparkly, her size, her sweet little puppy paws, her velvet ears, the different positions her ears had depending on her mood, her intensity when playing catch/chase, how great she was with all different kinds of dogs...everything. And the way she was always so excited to see anyone who came home. When I parked my car in the driveway after work today, I sat in the car for a few minutes crying before I went inside. I couldn't stand the thought of going inside, knowing that she wouldn't be there to greet me in her uber-excited wiggly way. And she wasn't sitting on the couch looking out the window watching me walk up to the door like she always is. Just like she wasn't sitting there this morning watching me as I walked to my car and drove away, like she would each morning. She was just so wonderful. And I'm worried that if I get another dog, that dog won't be nearly as good as Hazel and I'll always be comparing it to her, and it'll always come up short.

For some reason, God keeps asking me to suffer. And what choice do I have but to go along with what he wants? Also, how much of a weakling am I? Seriously. A weak weakling.

I just want Hazel back. That's all I want.

Heartbroken. Again.

Remember yesterday when I said I was feeling pretty at peace? And the other day when I said I don't have a whole lot here at this point to replace Notre Dame, except for Hazel?

Yeah.

Apparently God doesn't want me to have peace. Or Hazel.

She got hit by a car this morning, and died.

And I'm devastated.

She wasn't even ten months old yet. I hadn't even had her for eight full months. And she's gone already. My sweet Hazelnut.

I want her back.

I hasn't even been a year since we put down Kebbie. And now here I am again. This one almost hurts more because we had just started, you know? I had Kebbie for 15 years. And it was time to say goodbye. But Hazel? We still had years ahead of us. And now she's gone. And I don't know what to do; I don't know how to move on. Oh God this house feels so empty again. She was such a joy. Why did God have to let this happen?

She loved snow, and she barely got a chance to play in it. She loved walks and she should have had so many more to go on. She loved the dog park and should have had the chance to make more friends and chase more balls.

This isn't fair. I want my puppy back. I don't know what to do with myself. There will never be another dog like her. She was so great. So fun. So happy.

This is all just a nightmare, right? I'll wake up soon and find out it's not real.

Right?

Maybe someone will whisper in my ear that he'll love me till the day I die.

Hours of not being able to hear out of one side makes for a cranky Susie. Especially when those hours were preceded by even more hours of not being able to hear terribly well out of one side. And then even before that, again not being able to hear out of one side.

It's going to be a very long 31 hours.

(I think 2pm Friday is 31 hours from now. But I'm a little distracted by the uneven silence, so I may have done my math wrong.)

Gargoyles this is annoying. Sorry you all have to hear about it, but it's just about all I can think about right now. That and applications which I still don't know if it's a good idea/the right thing to do. But I guess all I lose by applying is the $20 to send GRE scores, $60 to send application, and my dignity when I get rejected.

Haha. How's that for optimism? (Really, though, I've been more optimistic lately. No, not optimistic. At peace, I guess. Other than the beyond irritating uneven hearing - I do like things to be symmetrical, after all - and the fact that in a week and a half I'll be getting four teeth removed...I'm trying not to think about that, though.)

I think this ear thing is really messing with me. I feel all sorts of off right now. Colder than I should be, and maybe almost dizzy or something...argh.

Oh, since I'm complaining, I really hate seeing people's away messages say something like "this weather makes winter great!" Because you know what? It doesn't. It makes winter not winter. Colorado winters are not hard, unless maybe you live in the mountains. Colorado Springs, though? Not so much. I think today got to like 70. January 21. 70 degrees. And really, no snow in sight. Ever again. So, while I have to put up with people complaining the three days a winter that we actually have snow storms, those of us who like that weather get nothing. It's just not fair. And that's why I'm moving to North Dakota. Or, I would, if I didn't love Colorado (ridiculous dryness and sunny weather aside).

Ok. Sorry. I know I talk about the weather (or, um, lack of it) a lot. My brother makes fun of me for it. Whatever. My blog, my rules, right?

Anyway, I really need to get this application thing wrapped up and sent out. Three weeks ago. But I guess tomorrow will do. Sigh. Either they're going to accept me or not. I'll never know if applying earlier would have made a difference. So yeah.

Chronearcles

I went to the doctor today to see about my ear. It's really irritating (ha, EARitating) to wake up every morning with only half of my hearing. Poor George Bailey.

Anyway, so I made an appointment for the afternoon, and went instead of taking a lunch. The doctor I go to is about three minutes away from work, so it's convenient. I got there, filled out paperwork for new insurance, waited about five seconds, and they called me back. Got my weight (yay! I weigh less than I thought! By probably ten pounds!), went to the room, they took my blood pressure, and I waited a couple minutes for the doctor. She comes in, I tell her about the ear thing, she asks if I've been sick or had a cold (I haven't). Then she gets the thing to look in my ear, starts with the bad one, and says, "Oh, yep, it's the ear canal is completely blocked." Lovely. So is the other one. But I guess I have good timing, because they do ear flushing on Fridays, so she tells me to get this ear wax softening stuff and put that in both ears twice a day starting tonight and then make an appointment for Friday. Which I do. The whole thin had taken me about twenty minutes, from leaving work to getting out, so I went to the Walgreens across the street from work and pick up the drops. Cool.

I just put them in for the first time. I did the left side first, sat with my head tilted for a few minutes, then did the right. Had my head tilted the other way for a few minutes, and then I couldn't hear out of that ear anymore. Sigh. So for the last ten minutes, all I've been hearing out of my right ear is crackling. Which means I guess that it's working, but oh. my. gosh is this annoying. Every once in awhile, I the crackling gets a bit more intense, and then I can hear again. Until it closes up again. Sigh. I hope it's not like this until my appointment on Friday. I might just go crazy if that's the case. Oh, and if they can't get it all out on Friday, I have to go to an Ear, Nose, and Throat doctor. If I have to go the rest of the week and a weekend or more like this, I will definitely go all sorts of crazy.

Gah. I might go crazy if I have put up with this during the day tomorrow, let alone tomorrow and Thursay and Friday. I don't think I can do it.

And, Facebook hasn't let me on all night. It's just not my day, I guess. Perhaps I should just go to bed. I don't have to hear anything when I'm asleep.

Inaugurative

People who think increased access to birth control will lead to fewer abortions really have a thing or two to learn.

Anyway. Today we got a new president. President Obama. First black president, which is of course great and all. Historic. I just can't get excited about him, knowing where he stands on the most important of issues. Knowing that tomorrow my tax dollars will start funding abortions not only in this country, but around the world. How many children will never be born because Obama became our president today? We'll probably never know the answer to that, but I know it'll be more than none, and that is simply too many. I'm not saying McCain would necessarily have been much better, but I can say almost with certainty that he would not have reversed the Mexico City Policy his first day in office. And we certainly wouldn't have to be worrying that FOCA will be passed soon.

Today, as always, Obama kept talking about "hope". What does that mean? What hope do the millions of babies aborted in this country and abroad have? What hope do pro-lifers have in a president who has promised to undo everything we've worked for in the last 35 years? He wants us to unite in hope over conflict and discord. Yet I don't think he cares about the conflict that has been going on in this country since 73. He doesn't care that his policies will do nothing to unite the country. Maybe he'll surprise us all, but I'm certainly not holding my breath for that day.

After he was sworn in today, the headline at cnn.com said "Obama raises hand, lifts a nation." I feel very heavy-hearted today, sad for the countles babies who won't even get a chance to take a breath in this nation that is now led by President Obama. Talk about "hope" and "change" and "healthcare" all you want. This country is rotting from the inside out, and those buzzwords aren't going to fix it. All the healthcare in the world and access to birth control, sex ed, and abortion certainly aren't going to fix it. Magically fixing the economy isn't going to heal what's really wrong with this country. And no one seems to realize that.

So, good luck, Obama. Who knows, maybe we'll witness a miracle during your presidency.

Helpful hint (for the ladies)

So, a few months ago I heard in a few places that putting nylons in the freezer when they're not being used will make them last longer. After going through several pairs with only one use each, I figured it was worth a try. I got a two pack in December (if not November), and have been putting them in the freezer between uses. And I still have them, which is amazing. Well, I think one of them finally got a run in it that makes me think it's time to throw them out (although it's on the upper thigh, which never gets seen, but still).

So, if you're looking for a way to make your nylons last longer, stick them in the freezer. It really works.

(And I realize that most girls my age don't tend to wear nylons, apparently. But I do. So there.)

Catholic Vote...again

That will be airing repeatedly tomorrow on BET in Chicago during coverage of the inauguration.

I think it's pretty cool, but what do I know - I'm just a pathetic pro-lifer who values masses of cells over real people.

(Oh, and I'm also someone not too excited to see Obama sworn in as my president tomorrow. Especially when I read things like this. And I'm sure that's just the beginning, just the tip of the iceburg of increased abortions and abortion "rights" we're soon to see.)

Sometimes, looking back just seems better than looking forward...

K, firstly, in case you're interested, I just realized I hadn't posted a post I wrote Friday night. So, if you're bored, go check it out. (But it really doesn't say anything, nor is it interesting at all. So probably don't bother.)

Yesterday, I got the latest issue of Notre Dame Magazine (a perk of being an alumna, I guess - my parents have been getting it since I've been in school there, too). I don't typically read it, but yesterday I read through the whole thing. Skimmed some articles, but read several too. It was about the current generation, of which I'm still a part - a few of the articles were written by people who graduated with me, a couple who I knew or recognized names. And the articles were about stuff I know about, things I did, great Notre Dame experiences, etc. One of the articles was about how cold and snowy and permacloudy Notre Dame is, too. And man, all of it made me really, really, really miss being an undergrad there. Just being there. I mean, I know that if I were to go back for grad school, it'd probably still be great (especially the Basilica, of course), but it wouldn't be the same. It could never be the same. It's over, and I know that, but I really, really miss it. Sigh. I guess part of it is I don't have anything so far that's replaced it, if that makes any sense. Probably doesn't make sense. But yeah. Well, I guess there's Hazel, she's pretty great. Anyway. The thing is, I know that's where I was supposed to be for four years. (I didn't always know it during those four years, though.) I know that's where God wanted me. And now, I'm back to square one, and I don't know what he wants me to do or where he wants me to be. Maybe it is right where I am, who knows. I wish it were easier to figure out.

Speaking of cold: Today's high in the Springs was 64. The next three days or so, the highs are in the 60s. Maybe some talk of snow or rain later in the week, but I'm not holding my breath. Other than that, it's sunny and warm as far as the forecast goes. While lots of the rest of the country is having ridiculously cold temperatures. Isn't Colorado supposed to be a cold and snowy winter state? Yeah, apparently not. Sigh. I do love Pikes Peak, though. I fall a little more in love with it every day I see it. That is one thing that I won't find anywhere else I might go.

Anyway, in real subject land, I came across a very interesting post today via Dawn Eden's blog. I don't know that I have much to say about it, other than it's, well, interesting to read that point of view. Never having experienced anything close to love, I can't really comment much about that part of it. But it was all interesting. As were the comments, both there and the post where Dawn Eden linked to it.

Also, I realized today that even if I felt a call to be a nun (which, right now, I absolutely do not, but maybe I just haven't discerned enough, or properly, or something?), I have about 30 years of student loans to pay off before that could happen. So...I have no idea what that means. But anyway. I've been thinking about it a lot, and no matter how hard I try, I just can't see it. I can't feel it. But I know it's not all about feelings. And I sort of think there's a part of me (Catholic guilt) that will always feel like I'm wrong if I don't become a nun. Is that supposed to be a nudge? Or is it just plain old Catholic guilt, something about being "lesser" or "missing a calling" if I don't join a convent? I certainly get a lot of nudges in the other direction, but does that really mean anything? Is that just me projecting my desires? (Desires which, I might add, require another person, and who am I to presume that there's anyone out there who will suit me well enough, and I him.) It's exhausting trying to figure this out, and I'm sure I'm going about it all wrong, and there must be an easier way, an easier solution. I surely do not know what that solution is, though. Maybe going elsewhere for a time will help lead me somewhere. But what if I don't get accepted into the JPII Institute? I'm not saying I'll go if I do, but I know for sure that I'll be sad if I'm not accepted. And I can't help but think that I won't be, because I'm sure they have lots of applicants and lots better than I am. Who would ever pick me for anything?

(Sorry. My insecurities come out once in awhile. They're hard to hide and ignore.)

All right, enough thinking/whining from me. Sorry.

How's this for something to be happy about: the Steelers are in the Superbowl! Sure, they're not the Patriots. But I think if the Patriots can't be in, I'd rather the Steelers than anyone else. Well, maybe the Broncos, but mostly because I have several Broncos fans in my family (obviously) (even though one of them married a Raiders fan. That'd be like me marrying someone who went to USC. Or Michigan. I just don't think I could do it). So, yay Steelers.

This week, I have much knitting to get done, so hopefully I won't be on here very much. (Do I say that every week? Hm.) I promised a friend a knitted blanket for her birthday, which is Saturday, and while I know there's no way I'll have it done by then, I'd like to be close. Maybe by Monday.

Off to knit three, yarn over, knit two, knit three together, knit two, yarn over, knit one, repeat from first yarn over. Over and over and over. (But it turns out well!)

(That's right, I knit that. And modeled it in different places. And from what I hear, it's warm enough. Hopefully the one I'm doing now will be warm, too.)

But, of course, it's not really true, right?

Obama's inauguration is costing more than Bush's in '05. Bush was chided by the press, Obama is lauded.

But what else is new?

Man, it's gonna be a long four years.

There's something going on, I know that.

I had an interesting evening. A few of us from work decided it'd been too long since we had gone out for drinks after work, so we just decided to go out tonight. There were four of us - two in our twenties, two...a couple decades older than that. But we're all pretty cool people, so it's always fun. Anyway. We ended up staying there until 8:30. Well, one of us left sooner than that (but he missed out).

I got a lot of food for thought, that's for sure. Still not sure what God is trying to tell me, but slowly and surely he's knocking down that wall I must have put up.

Also, I'm bombarded more and more every day with reasons why Catholics don't really fit in this world. It really is necessary to be in the world and not of the world. Because we can't be of the world, especially as continually corrupt as it's becoming. Not that it hasn't always been full of sin. It's ok, though, because by the grace of God hopefully we'll be in heaven in the end. (Well, it's not ok; sin isn't ever ok.)

So who knows. Maybe a year from now I'll be in a different city, state, job, life. Maybe I'll be in a relationship. Maybe I'll be...in a convent somewhere. It's possible. Anything is possible at this point, I guess.

The bottom line is, though, that God is so good. And so is his Church, without which I'd be completely lost.

Randomicity

Split infinitives abound.

Life is loud.

Resolution to go to bed by 11pm is not working too well. So far...probably less than five days I've actually managed that. And two of those were probably when I was sick. I'm pathetic. But also, giving up Internet for Lent should definitely help with this. Or I'll just renew my love of reading and stay up late doing that.

We did inventory at work today. I don't mind it as much as other people seem to, but even still, by the time I left work this evening, I was incredibly tense and stressed. Maybe it was just too much people and noise and stuff. And the worrying all day that I was entering numbers or quantities incorrectly. Who knows. At least tomorrow's Friday.

I'm about to reveal my true patheticness: A few weeks ago, I wasted $60 and joined CatholicMatch. I really should have continued to listen to myself and not do that, but it was a moment of weakness (probably at a high joining time for them, too, right between Christmas and New Year's). Yeah, it's only been a few weeks, but all it's been so far is a big fat disappointment. Just another venue for guys - now all over the country, not just local - to ignore me. Or maybe notice, but quickly decide I'm not who they're looking for. So, whatever. There's no one in town, there's no one in the country (who's online, at least) who wants me. Oh well. Just sucks, you know? (Yeah, I know, a few weeks isn't much, but...well, get into my head, and you'll understand. Maybe.) (Also, I haven't been terribly impressed with the Catholicity of many people on there. There's another Catholic site that I think tends toward more orthodoxy in its members, and I know someone who actually met and is now dating a guy through that site. But it'd be even more to join that one, and I just...I don't think I'm the type of person that does well with online relationships.) I am so sick of being alone, though. 23 years is more than plenty. I don't want to do it anymore. Unfortunately, I don't have a lot of choice in the matter, unless I greatly reduce my standards (and even then). As many guys as I may like in my life, it won't matter unless he likes me back.

Anyway.

I need to make an appointment to see my doctor about my ear. I'm sick of avoiding sleeping on my right side for fear that when I wake up in the morning, I won't be able to hear out of my right ear (temporarily). And I'm sick of not being able to hear well out of it after my shower when I get water in it. It's annoying. It usually only stays that way for five, ten minutes (hard to tell how long because rarely do you notice when you can hear well, as opposed to not hearing well), but it's always annoying when it's like that. So I think I better go to the doctor and have them clean it out, figure out what's doing that. How gross would it be to find out I have like a bug in there or something? Haha, I know that's totally not the case, but still. I must have tons of wax in there. (I try to clean it out! Really! And I don't use q-tips, because you're not supposed to put those in your ears!) Gross. The only problem is, I work a 9-5 mon-fri job, and so do most people (like doctors' offices). Maybe they have early hours, and I could go before work one day. I considered seeing if I could get my wisdom teeth pulled a little later in the day, and make it a whole day of doctor-fun, going to see about my ear and then following that up with some oral surgery, but then I just said "ok" when the scheduler lady said 8:45 for the teeth. I might still call and see if I can go before that. I guess I should just call, huh? Maybe I'll do it tomorrow.

Oh yeah, have I mentioned? I'm getting the teeth taken out on the 30th. Friday morning, so I have a full weekend to recover. And hopefully not get dry socket. Exciting, no?

Also, I'm in the midst of applying to grad school. The JPII Institute, of course. I don't know if it's the right thing to do (actually going; applying doesn't hurt anything except, perhaps, my stress levels, and maybe my dignity when I don't get accepted), but if I don't at least apply, I'll keep wondering about it. At least this way, even if I get rejected, I can have it out of my system. I told God to let me be accepted if it's where he wants me to go, and if that's not where I'm supposed to go, I get rejected. I suspect it won't be as easy as that in reality, though (well, unless I do get rejected - that's pretty cut and dry). I mean, there are tons of reasons why it doesn't make sense to go (job, friends, Gravity, family, mountains, life) (and, come on, DC? Their winters are milder than here. I should be looking at going to...North Dakota or something). But I'm at least applying. At least I can say I'm doing something to try to figure out my life.

My life, which is not getting enough knitting time lately. I have a week before the birthday of the recipient of my current project, and I still have ways to go to be done. No way it gets finished by next Saturday. Oh well.

A couple interesting news stories

First, cool, a couple in Ohio adopted eight siblings. How cool is that?

Second, I figured out how I should pay off my student loans: sell my virginity! Seriously, how sad is that?

Anyway. Things are going on. I'm in the process of doing something that may or may not affect where I'll be in a year. Possibly. Maybe. Depending on things. I just hope I figure out...things soon.

Also, I miss Notre Dame, a lot. Especially because the high there tomorrow is like 2. Or -2. Or something wonderful like that. With 100% chance of snow. And the rest of the 10 day forecast is slightly warmer, but still cold, and still cloudy and snowy. Here? 10 days of sun, sun, and more sun, no clouds, no precipitation, and highs in the 40s and 50s. Lovely weather. If you're a normal person. Lousy weather, if you're Susie. (Although I guess, really, I'm stuck inside all day so rain or snow or sun, it's all just about the same to me.)

Well. I'm trying this new thing, keeping posts to a related subject as much as possible, and I've already failed pretty much, so if I think of something else, I'll make a new post.

Also: I'm sort of looking forward to giving up the Internet for Lent. It'll be interesting, that's for sure.

20 Years Later...

On this date in 1989, the Oppelt family packed up and moved across the country from Lowell, Massachusetts to this lovely, lightning-prone town of Colorado Springs. 20 years, three cats, five dogs, a canary, some lizards, hamsters, guinea pigs, hermit crabs, and maybe a horny toad or two (for like, a couple hours each), not to mention two spouses and two kids, later, here we are.

Sadly, I didn't get a group picture of the whole family tonight. (Or...ever.) We really have to do that next time we're all together. We didn't get one on Thanksgiving, or Christmas, or any of the...six? birthdays we've celebrated in the last three months. Oh, well I guess Peter wasn't here for a chunk of those. But still. Anyway. We have to do that. Oh, and also, Hazel is slightly...off topic, picture-wise, but look how cute! And my nephews are both hams. Seriously. Haha. I do have pictures of everyone from dinner tonight, but other than the kids they're pretty much all candids and thus...not great. oh well.

Yay Colorado!

(Colorado Springs' "skyscrapers", because we have real, natural, beautiful skyscrapers. We don't need buildings.)

Mmm.

Common sense? Not so common.

I just read an article that said cases of STDs are rising, or at the very least not decreasing, despite all these prevention efforts.

Hm, let's think about this: We tell people that it's ok to have sex with whomever they want, possibly trying to "limit partners" and making sure to "use protection", and then people think that sex isn't that big a deal and, hey, "it won't happen to me," and then we're all surprised when STD rates fail to decrease.

Here's a thought: Let's tell people that they aren't animals, that they do have control over their bodies and passions, and that sex isn't necessary to having a "normal/good life". Sex is everywhere, and we wonder why people are still getting STDs? Even "protection" doesn't do its job a portion of the time. Abstinence, though, does. (Unless you're one of those people who wants to use strawman arguments like "What if you get raped?" or something equally unlikely and out of anyone's control.)

Seriously, people. It's not that difficult.

Snow day

We got to leave work at noon today because it was snowing this morning, and kept going. Not a lot of accumulation, but the roads were reportedly pretty slick. So we left at noon, just as the snow began to cease falling and the sun started coming out. There are still clouds by the mountains, but as they get closer to the Springs, I guess they just keep dissipating, because to the east (and above) it's pretty clear. Oh well. But obviously yay for getting to leave early. Especially since I'm not feeling stellar today. I woke up this morning with very puffy eyelids. They're still slightly puffy, and they're itchy and red (because they're itchy). And I have a headache. And I plan on taking a nap shortly.

Also I did this:

BROWN

You are usually very straight-forward. You have a passive personality and enjoy nurturing those around you. You are very grounded and prefer to keep things simple and honest.

Find out your color at QuizMeme.com!

Now onto that nap. Puffy eyes, go away!

You try coming up with a title for this post.

The past few nights have been beautiful (snowless though they may have been). The moon has been just about full (either last night or tonight), and there's fresh snow on Pikes Peak. And they've been clear nights. Which means that, even at 10pm or later, it's possible to see Pikes Peak quite clearly, what with the moon shining on the snow and causing the contrast of white against the dark sky. I love that.

I don't love other things that are going on currently. But there's not a lot that I can do about it, conflict-resolver though I try to be. (Conflict-avoider is more like it.)

You know, it'd be a lot easier to apply for things like grad school if I didn't have to get recommendations. For some reason, that's what's holding me back. That and the fact that I don't know if I really want to leave again, and leave whatever I've built up here in the last 8 months. (Has it really been eight months since I graduated? Really? Man.) (I'm not sure when the exact date was. Is it bad that I can't remember what day I graduated from college? Aside from "Sunday". Maybe it was the 19th. Ah, no, 18th. I just checked. I graduated from high school May 19. I remember that. Probably because we had started that year on August 19, and first semester ended December 19, so it was all even and exact, and I liked that a lot.)

Anyway. I'm ridiculous sometimes about some things.

But you know what? I love Michael Buble's version of Come Fly With Me. It's just awesome. Sigh. He's so great.

Things are just weird. Life is weird. One minute I feel like, wow, I'm not doing too badly with all of this. Go me. I feel almost (but not really at all) on top of the world, like maybe things are making sense and such. And then two seconds later, I realize that I had it all wrong and nothing makes sense and I'm failing at life. I guess the reality is somewhere in between. This might be an interesting week, though. Who knows.

Also: CDs I've decided I need to get next time I have some extra cash (so, in like twenty years or so) (and, yes, they're all movie scores): Saving Private Ryan, Glory, Jurassic Park, ET, Star Wars, Indiana Jones, Harry Potter. (Notice a common theme there, with one exception?) Anyway. First, there's student loans to pay off. And soon a large oral surgery bill. Yay! Who knows what else will come up. At least Christmas is done and paid off.

I did go to the philharmonic last night. But luckily I found someone who wanted to go with me, which was fantastically terrific. We got the cheapest seats possible, so we ended up being pretty much as high up and as far back as possible. There was one row behind us. (But a few rows in front of us, for several rows, were basically empty for some reason. I don't get it.) I got to hear Fanfare for the Common Man live and in person, and man I love that song. Overplayed though it may be. (There's a reason that certain sayings are cliched, and certain songs get played a lot. They fit. And they're good.) And then some other Aaron Copland songs, like ten short ones, with a singer. That part was...eh. But then Adagio for Strings was after that. Oh man. I love love love that song. It's so emotional. It's impossible to listen to and not get chills and/or tears when they hit the climax. And then the starkly contrasting silence immediately following, before the end. (Of course, some people don't seem to realize that there's a silence there for a reason, and one person actually started to clap during that silence. Kinda ruined the mood a little bit. I mean, yeah, it brings up a lot of emotion, but hold your applause, please.) Man that song is great. And after intermission was a Dvorak piece, some symphony in some key, aka "From the New World" or something like that. I recognized it, or at least a few of the four movements. That's a great song too. Anyway, all in all an enjoyable evening. Followed by a view of Pikes Peak once we got outside in its aforementioned beautiful night glory.

Anyhoo. Tomorrow is another day, start of another week, weeks that stretch out ad infinitum before me. I wish the real world were like school with breaks here and there. I suppose that's what vacation is for, but Americans aren't known for our dedication to vacations like the Europeans. Who knows when I'll get to take a vacation. Vacations tend to take money, though. Although, I have a friend (the same one who went with me to the philharmonic, actually) who had a week off in October and spent it exploring Colorado, for pretty cheaply I think. That'd be super tons-of-fun. I love the mountains, and I'd love to see more of them. I'm getting sick of living in a city, really. Even if some people don't consider Colorado Springs much of a city. It's much too much a city for my liking. I am so not a city girl. Too bad I've never really lived anywhere but a city...this is why I have to go out and find some rancher in a mountainy area to marry. Unfortunately, I don't tend to run into a lot of ranchers...haha.

So yeah. Anyway. Life is funny, and strange, and weird, and confusing, and impossible, and delightful, and crazy, and very, very finite. (Souls are a different matter, at least as far as the finiteness goes...)

Well, enough of this.

Edit: I just realized/noticed that I've been putting 2008 in my journal still. And I only realized it because I just wrote 2009 and it felt weird, like I hadn't really done it at all yet. Turns out, I hadn't. Not in the four other entries I've written since we entered this new year. Weird.

Today's word, just under the wire

"mack nor mell"

"I'll neither mack nor mell," I'll not interfere. Shakespeare's Troilus and Cressida.
-F.T. Dinsdale's Glossary of Provincial Words Used in Teesdale in the County of Durham, 1849

Today is the anniversary of the 1800 wedding of English surgeon and teacher John Abernathy. He prided himself on never allowing anything to interfere with his instructional duties, not even on the days he or his daughter (years later) got married. He even stopped on his way to make a house call because it was time to give his lecture.

Input overloaded today.

You know what I need? I really need to get my life organized. I need to get my room organized. I need to clear my head with all the "to-dos" that I keep putting off...and off...and off. For no real reason other than that I'm just putting them off. Like those mittens I finally finished for my friend. The weekend before Christmas. Which are sitting on the opposite arm of the couch from where I'm sitting, just staring at me. Why don't I just get them in a box and ship them off? (Because it requires a trip to the post office. Same reason I haven't returned clothes I ordered online awhile back that don't fit right. Now I have to settle for credit at Chadwicks instead of getting the money back on my card. Not a big deal, really, but I still need to do it.) Or applying for the one grad school I'm considering going to. There are so many reasons I think I shouldn't even bother, because I don't know that I'd go even if I got in (definitely not a given), but I also know that if I don't, I'll wonder. Maybe not always, because who knows what'll happen if I do or if I don't. And I further know that I can't not do anything, feeling the way I've been feeling lately. I need something, but I don't know what - I do know that not doing anything won't fix anything, either. And applying isn't the same as committing. So I need to do it. (And right quick, too, because it's rather time-sensitive and I've been putting it off and off for two months now.)

I need a lot of change. But first I need the motivation to do it.

I need a plan.

I need a path.

I have neither.

And I wish God would give me one or both, already. Or even part of one. You'd think that by now he'd realize how completely dense I am about figuring out this stuff, and would give me some unmistakable sign. But apparently that's not going to happen, because it hasn't in 23 years, and I just feel so very lost and unsure and not terribly happy about the state of some things.

I just want something in my life to be figured out, even if just temporarily. I feel like I'm just spiraling and spinning and I have nothing to focus on to make it stop.

I also know that I wish I lived closer to the mountains. I wish I lived in Estes Park, and could be a trail guide or something. If I could do college over, one thing I would change is that I'd apply to work in a national park one summer. Or multiple summers. I think I would love it. I still think I'd like it, but it's not very practical or possible anymore.

Nothing I want seems practical or possible.

Ok, sorry. One of these days I'll have a more upbeat post, I promise. Well, I'll try, at least. I'm just going through something right now, and I don't know who or how I'll be when I emerge from whatever it is. Because I don't even know what it is. Midlife crisis? I guess it's a bit early for that.

I'm sorry for being so annoying lately, I really am. I know I'm just a big crybaby and my problems aren't even real or important and there are much greater tragedies and things to worry about in the world than the state of my pathetic life. I just need to work through this, and then hopefully I'll be a new and improved Susie.

If you believe it hard enough, it's gotta come true, right?

Today's word of the day: Shamocrat

"One who pretends to be possessed of wealth, influence, rank, or indeed any quality which is only conspicuous by its absence."
-John Farmer's Americanisms Old & New, 1889.

Today is the anniversary of the death of "Emperor" Joshua Norton, a San Franciscan who corresponded with Queen Victoria, appointed himself emperor of California and then the US in 1859, and ordered the dissolution of Congress. Reportedly, Mark Twain modeled the "King" in Huckleberry Finn after Emperor Norton.

And there you go.

In a weird, weird place

So, I've been pretty depressed lately. In a big way. It's been actually pretty bizarre, the feelings going on. Since...the weekend before Christmas, I think. I had a depressing event that I made too much out of (and it shouldn't have been that big a deal to begin with), and it's really messed with me. And made me convinced that I'm never going to be good enough for anyone, never going to be what anyone is looking for. Basically, it's been a tough few weeks. Self-imposed, of course, as it always is, but still tough. Especially the last week or so. Surprisingly, Christmas-New Year's wasn't that bad. I expected Christmas to be depressing, but it was really good. (Ah, the pessimism wins again - never disappointed, just right, or happily wrong.)

Anyway. Through it all, even though I don't really understand where God is going with all this, and even though I have absolutely no direction right now and no idea where I'm going and no idea where God wants me to go, I've kept up talking to him. (Whining is more like it, really, but whatever.) Although, admittedly, I haven't been as good as I want to be lately. I was doing better with praying and keeping up with the Magnificat and whatnot last month. But, with the exception of this weekend when I just didn't have it in me (because it had been upchucked with everything else and then some), I've said the rosary each night before I go to sleep. And I think it's impossible not to have some positive effect in my life from that. Last night when I said the rosary, which appropriately happened to be the Sorrowful Mysteries, I stared at this picture of Jesus I have on the wall opposite my bed. It's one of those pictures where Jesus just stares at you. It's been in my room forever. Anyway, I just stared at it while I said the rosary, and it was...weird. And I really was feeling the sorrowful mysteries, too, just contemplating each one more than I usually do. I can't really explain what happened, or how I felt, but it was sort of nice. I often feel like God doesn't communicate back to me, and it's always a one-sided conversation, but last night I really felt that he's always there. Even if he seems to refuse to give me anything I ask for. Obviously I ask for the wrong things.

Today was weird. As the day went on, I just kept feeling happier and happier, for no reason. Nothing had changed, I have no answers, I'm still the same person who has no idea what she's doing or where she's going or where she's supposed to be, but I felt...better. More at peace. Even with the disappointment. Because, really, all you need is love, right? And God is Love. Therefore...all you need is God.

Without God, I'd be nowhere. And at least if he wants me all to himself for the rest of my life, I'll still belong to Someone. Earthly relationships inevitably end, anyway. Whether I die tomorrow or I die in 100 years, whether I die an old spinster or a happily married women with 10 kids and 23 grandkids, I'll (hopefully) be going to spend the rest of eternity with the person (loosely speaking) we're all destined to be with anyway. Many of us won't get there. But I surely hope I do.

(Don't worry. Tomorrow, we'll be back to our regularly scheduled Woe is I.)

Oh, and also, as part of this weird new thing I'm not used to, I'm seriously considering going to the symphony this weekend by myself. It's "American Salute" and they're playing Copland ("Fanfare for the Common Man," which is a song pretty much everyone has heard even if they don't know it), and Adagio for Strings (man oh man do I love that song), and something else that also sounded like it'd be good. I very well might get myself a cheapo ticket and just go by myself. I don't like being a singleton, but if I have to be, then I might as well go be a singleton in real places, right? Especially if it involves fantastic music. I do likes me some fantastic music.

Ye Olde English...e.

cast-iron sweat:
"A highly nervous state; central New York; noted 1912."
-Harold Wentworth's American Dialect Dictionary, 1944

On Jan 7, 1861, New York City's pro-Confederacy mayor, Fernando Wood, sympathized with "our aggrieved brethren of the Slave States..." He wanted New York City to break off and become independent. He lead the antiwar Copperheads once the war started. So, I guess you could say that when the citizens of his city didn't quite agree with him on the whole Confederacy thing, he had some cast-iron sweat going on. Or something.

One reason to miss high school

You know why I miss high school? I was confident in high school. I knew what I was doing in high school. I had a goal in high school. I was good at high school. (Academically, at least.)

Now? Not so much. School was my thing. Especially math. (Which, oddly, I didn't even consider continuing in college, aside from the required two semesters I had to take. Blow-off math classes.) Such a brown-noser was I. Not so in college. What happened? All that brown-nosing in middle and high school, I guess. And elementary school. Well, 5th grade at least.

But yeah. Man, school was what I was good at. Maybe I should go back to school forever. Nah, I guess that wouldn't work too well.

(And I'm sure that I didn't really feel like I had confidence, or knew what I was doing, or had a goal...no, I definitely had my goals in high school. And I pretty much got them, too. Top 10 of my class. Accepted everywhere I applied. Including Notre Dame. Yeah. But the rest of it, I might not have felt was so true. I had a heck of a lot more confidence back then than I do now, though. Man. I certainly couldn't have had less. And the next step after high school is easy: college. But the step after college? Not so easy. For me. Some people have it all figured out: undergrad degree, internships, med/law/grad school, prestigious career. I wish I had more direction. And by more, I mean any.)

Sigh.


Oh, and also: I absolutely love sunsets when there are some clouds over the mountains, mountains that are freshly covered with snow, and the air is nice and cold. There's something so magically and beautiful about those sunsets. Thanks to my appointment today I got to see at least part of tonight's sunset, which fell into this category. I drove past Palmer Park on my way to the appointment, and wished I could stop in and go to my favorite Pikes Peak picture place and take some pictures of that lovely sunset. Alas, as many sunsets are already stored, this one will just have to stay in my memory. And that'll be good enough.

A Tale of Four Teeth

So, last Friday I went to the dentist, just for a check up and to see what he had to say about my wisdom teeth. He didn't seem terribly concerned about them, but then did see that the one is coming through the gum. So he gave me a referral to an oral surgeon, since he (dentist) could have done at least the one, but probably not all four, and why do it in two waves if you can just get in and get done once. I call the oral surgeon's office yesterday, they're of course only open til 5 mon-fri. The lady says "I have an appointment tomorrow at 4:45; that's about the latest we can get you in." Works well enough. I didn't take a lunch today and left half an hour early. Got there, filled out that form they make people fill out everywhere in any doctor's office EVER. They called me back, I got a fun panoramic x-ray taken, then got to watch a fun DVD about wisdom teeth removal, then had to take the x-ray again because the film wasn't right on the first one. Then after a few minutes the surgeon comes in, tells me stuff I already heard on the DVD about the procedure and risks and whatnot, tells me that my teeth look pretty run-of-the-mill and that it'd take about 20 minutes to do. (20 minutes? I was thinking 45 at least, so cool.) He asks if I have any questions. I bring up my concerns regarding cost and my un-dental-insured self. He tells me they can give me a little break regarding cost. (Sweet.)

Then the...payment guy? comes in to talk to me and give me the estimate. First he gave me the breakdown, and the total it'd be, and then showed me what they would charge me with a discount since I'm paying out of pocket by myself. It's a lot less than what I was expecting. Like, close to $1000 less. And they're letting me pay some up front (the day I go in), and then spread out the rest over six months. (They told me normally they only go up to 30 days, but because I'm young and poor and uninsured, they'll do six months for me. They probably say that to everyone, but whatever.) I'm feeling much better about everything. Now, I'm still not sure - in the long run, it might be cheaper if I got dental insurance now, waited the required year or whatever, then got it done, even after having to pay for insurance for a year, but for peace of mind, I'd rather get it done and out of the way sooner than later. Especially since that one is coming in. And, for some reason, tonight another one is starting to feel sore when I put pressure on it (with my tongue), so of course I keep putting pressure on it. I don't know if it's a mental thing, or a coincidence, or something else, but I'll just be happy to have it over and done with. Preferably sans dry socket, because that doesn't sound fun.

Anyway. There. That's my story. Now I just have to figure out when I want to do it (a Friday, I'm thinking), and get it scheduled. And get through the paranoid fears of being OD'd on anesthesia and never waking up. I may just have to get me to confession prior to the surgery, just in case. Now that's the kind of insurance you can bet your life on. Sort of. :-)

Mom said I should see if I can schedule it for Feb. 13. I'm planning on doing it on a Friday, so I can have the weekend to recover. And that way I can be all doped up and out of it that I won't care that no one loves me yet again on Valentine's Day. Haha.

So anyway. I'm sure I'll keep everyone posted. All three of you. None of whom really care about this anyway...

Your Forgotten English Word of the Day

The day's almost over, but here it is anyway:

"Howd'ye"

In what state is your health? Used as a compliment of civility or an inquiry into the state of a person's health; of how, do, and ye; [whence "howdy"].
- Daniel Fenning's Royal English Dictionary, 1775.



Also, did you know that the word "wassail" comes from a 13th century Norse drinking salutation waes hail, which means something like "be thou healthy" and is related to "whole" and "holy"? Well, according to today's page, that's the truth.

And there you have it.

Sleep is so not overrated

I'm practically wide awake at 5am. I've tossed and turned for the last five or six hours. Very, very annoying. I haven't thrown up since...11 or 12, so I should have been able to sleep, but apparently not.

The good news, though, is that I'm feeling a little bit better. Aside from how exhausted my body feels. But then, I didn't really drink any water after the last upchuck episode (and I had drunk a fair amount between the last two), and I just went downstairs and got myself a big glass. So we'll see.

My body hurts. I just want to sleep.

Being sick = awful

I guess I really haven't been sick in awhile. Not more than a cold, anyway. The last time I was really sick (cyst fun not included) was at the end of October 2006, I think, after we got back from seeing Peter graduate from basic training. Like, I was feeling it on the drive home from Oklahoma. And into the next couple days. And then I got pink eye, too. What a fun month that was. But I don't think there was any vomit involved in that sickness.

Anyway, now I'm sitting here on the couch, feeling supremely awful. In the last two hours, I've thrown up three times. Who knows if I'll have the joy of more dry heaving again. If this is what my sister (and nephews, I think) had recently, then I'm probably not done. But it should also be a 24 hour thing, more or less. Let's hope for that.

Because oh man this sucks.

I should sleep, but I don't think that's going to work too well. I don't feel like reading. I don't want to watch anything. I definitely don't want to knit.

Maybe I should take something to knock me out until it's all over.

Bye-bye, grammar

Now, I know I may be a bit more of a stickler for things like this than most people, but if you're going to put a HUGE logo/expression/saying on the back of your car, don't you want to make sure that it's correct so you don't look...unintelligent?

Driving around today, I was behind a car that said, in large letters on the back, "IF YOUR PASSING ME, YOUR GOING TOO FAST." Or something to that effect. I just couldn't believe it. I think they were those stick on letters, or something, so this person had done it himself.

I just had to shake my head and laugh. Spelling and correct grammar are quickly becoming lost arts.

Day 2 and already I'm failing

Don't look at the timestamp. I swear, it's not after 11. I promise.

Eh whatever. It's all in the thought. Not necessarily how well I stick to the 11pm thing.

Anyway.

I got a day-by-day calendar from a friend for Christmas. Forgotten English, which I think I've mentioned on here before. I decided it'd be fun to share with all of you the word of the day.

Jan 1: griezie - A person fond of prying into matters which concern him nothing. -John Mactaggart's Scottish Gallovidian Encyclopedia, 1824

Jan 2: chamberer -

• Frequenter of ladies' chambers; a gallant. -C.T. Onion's Shakespeare Glossary, 1911.
• One who indulges in wantonness. -Rev. John Boag's Imperial Lexicon of the English Language, c. 1850.
• Chamberers, men of intrigue. Othello. -Rev. Alexander Dyce's Glossary to the Works of William Shakespeare, 1902.
• A woman who attends to a bedchamber; a chambermaid; a concubine. -Sir James Murray's New English Dictionary, 1893.
• An effeminate man; a carpet-knight. -John Phin's Shakespeare Cyclopedia and New Glossary, 1902.

It's also got a cool related thing about an event that used to occur on or around the date, that fits the word of the day. Today is a thing about Ladies' Day that ussed to occur during Victorian times or something.

So, good times. History is fantastic. I'm glad we have it.

This lady hopes she gets lots of knitting done this weekend. Knitting is grrrrrrreat.

Ch-ch-changes

In bed by 11 = hopefully 8 hours of sleep most nights = less need for caffeine = easier time giving up coffee (three cups today and now I feel c-c-crappy) = good things for me.

Eating better. And less. And less of the bad stuff and a higher percentage of consumption being the good stuff.

Hopefully being able to wake up easily in time to take Hazel for a walk before work each morning = more exercise. Plus a less annoying Hazel during the day.

Maybe someday soon getting around to cleaning/purging my room, and getting rid of lots of stuff ( = hopefully becoming less materialistic and less desiring of more things).

Figuring things out? Maybe that's a little too much to ask for. But maybe by this time next year, I'll have a bit more clarity. That'd be nice.

Happy New Year!

It's 2009, everyone. 2008 is history. I'm a little sad, I'll admit. It's no longer my year of graduation. '08 will forever be a part of me, and it's gone now.

But for the most part, I'm ok with 2009 replacing 2008. Brand new start. Who knows where I'll be a year from now. (I can't believe 1999 was ten years ago!) But, I'll still be Susie.

Today is the solemnity of Mary, Mother of God! It's a pretty overwhelming thing to think about, if you do. Last night when I was saying my rosary I thought about what it means that Mary became the mother of God. Not just the mother of Jesus, but the mother of God. It's huge. Mary was so instrumental in salvation history. And she's such a good example, especially for we females. Anyway.

So because it's a rather big feast day, today is a Holy Day of Obligation. Most Masses today are in the morning (I think pretty much all of them, actually, except the vigil Masses that went on last night), so I was going to go to the 10am at St. Gabriel's. So before I went to sleep last night, I set my phone alarm, because that's all I use now (although most days I also have my alarm clock on, but just the music and not the annoying beep). I haven't quite figured out the new phone yet, though, because it's a tad different (and more irritating as a result). Well, the alarm didn't go off today, and because I was lazy last night and didn't feel like changing the alarm time on my alarm clock only to have to change it again tonight, I just turned it off. So I didn't wake up until about 9:45. And St. Gabriel is about 10 minutes away. I was late to Mass, which was sad. But I didn't know of anywhere that had a later one. I'm sure there was one somewhere, but I didn't have time to go looking through all the churches on the diocesan website. Anyway. I had to rush to get ready and stuff, and it's just always annoying when that happens.

Driving home from Mass, I figured out something. This same thing happened to me on Christmas Eve - I turned off the regular alarm I have on my phone and put on a different alarm for a different time, and it didn't go off. (See, on my other phone, I had to set the alarm every night, which was fine and took like three pushes of a button, no biggie. On this new phone, there are like eight different alarms you can create and name different things, and like set them to go off every day or specific days each week, or whatever. So I have one that I have set to go off every morning except Saturdays, because when I go to the 8:30am St. Gabe's Mass on Sundays (which I always do now), I get up at the same time as I do for work at 8:30 every week day. But when it's like a holiday or something, I don't want to get up at 6:40 or 7am. So I set my alarm for a bit later. However, as I am guessing from today, I think that my phone is stupid and it doesn't go off that first morning if you set it after midnight. It'll go off the next morning, but not the same morning if it's set after midnight. And that's just ridiculous and stupid stupidness. I mean, if I stick to my "bed by 11" rule, I guess it won't matter, but that's not always going to happen. And the days it doesn't are probably more likely to be days that aren't regular workdays and whatnot. Sigh. So, maybe I'll be able to figure out some way to fix that, or maybe I'll just have to go back to my stupid beep alarm on the alarm clock. (Most days the music will wake me up if I'm not awake when that one goes off, but I don't like relying on music to wake me up.)

Anyway.

Happy New Year, lovelies!