If you say so, admissions people

On NDNation, there's lots of talk about getting into ND, getting wait listed, etc. I guess they sent out letters this past weekend to students still waiting to hear from the regular applicants. Seriously, sometimes I think it was just a fluke that I got in. A kid, fellow senior, who I sort of know from my city (didn't meet him until I came here, though) mentioned his list of stats and whatnot (test scores, gpa, extracurriculars, etc), and they're far and away better than mine were. All of it. And somehow I got accepted right away early admit, which is more competitive. (This kid was deferred from early admit to regular, then wait listed, and then got accepted later.) It makes absolutely no sense to me how I managed to get in. Not really stellar test scores, but great GPA, IB, non-NHS (I think I was one of like three people in my IB class at Palmer who didn't get accepted into NHS. I didn't really want to be in it except for the everyone's-in-it-because-colleges-like-it thing, but that rejection still to this day messes with my head), non-legacy, not exactly a lot of extracurriculars (but a select few to which I was fairly committed, which I guess does count for something), etc. But hey, I won't argue. Their mistake was my gain (although at great expense...didn't really cost them much, I guess).

Drained

I missed it when it happened, again, but this was my 1100th post. Just figured I'd make a note of it.

Today I've felt like the dumbest person in my class because I have a B+, I've cried on the phone to my mom who I'm sure really doesn't need that right now (I don't really have anyone else to do that too, though...it just comes out around her sometimes), I've felt the walls of my dorm shake from a lightening bolt that must have practically hit the dorm (and which may or may not have been related to the fire alarm going off probably less than ten minutes later), and I'm going to Mass in half an hour to celebrate the feast of the Annunciation which I believe will be celebrated by a bishop from...I forget where. Oh, Cardinal George of Chicago. So...I have no idea what to make of today. I guess it's possible that today might still be salvageable. Even if I do have to work later tonight. It's money, right?


(Edit: Cardinal George wasn't there. Guess there was a miscommunication somewhere, I don't know. But it was still a nice Mass, as always.)

It's 3am I must be lonely

It's 3:15 at the moment, and I'm online. I don't know if there's been a single day the last week or so that I haven't been up at 3:15, but tonight's different, because I actually went to bed around 12:30. Woke up a bit before 2, not sure why as that doesn't usually happen to me. Went to the bathroom, came back and realized I wouldn't be able to get back to sleep easily. Decided to finish reading the next Narnia book we're discussing on Tuesday, The Horse and His Boy. I was a little more than halfway through, I think. Anyway. I finished it. It was good. I had either read or started reading it back the summer after...junior year, I believe, when I got a one-book version of the entire Chronicles and wanted to read through it (having only ever read The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe before). The set up was The Magician's Nephew, LWW, Horse and his Boy, and I don't remember how else they went after that. I think I only got to H&B. The beginning was definitely familiar, but I'm not sure if the rest of it was. So I don't know if I ever finished it. Either way, it was good. But I'm enjoying all of them, so why wouldn't I enjoy this one? I'm definitely picking up a lot of things I'm sure I wouldn't have even back five years ago, and especially not if I were reading them as a kid. They're really wonderful books. Such an awesome concept for a story, too. I'm looking forward to reading The Last Battle (next week is Magician's Nephew, which I definitely remember at least the main parts, and then it's Last Battle).

Anyway. Why am I still up, then? Firstly I had a headache. When I woke up at 1-whatever, I took some excedrin (second time today, which doesn't happen often). Still hadn't started working by the time I finished the book at around 3. Sort of feels like a migraine as I feel (or, I guess felt) somewhat nauseated. It's a little better now, but still not great. Maybe the last week is just catching up to me. It's hard trying to fall asleep with a headache though. Well, I guess it's easy to try, but not easy to have any success. Then there's the small factor of not being able to turn off my brain. Memere (my grandmother) isn't doing well. Probably won't be long now. My mom was supposed to come home tomorrow (today I guess), but has pushed her flight back to Saturday. And then she's scheduled to come back next Monday for a work thing, but she doesn't know how much work she'll be doing. Guess it depends on how things go this week. It's an awful situation. It's not like I want Memere to die, obviously. I just hate the waiting, the anticipation, the not knowing when. Every phone call I get this week, I'll be expecting bad news. And I sort of feel cut off from everything here. I guess I'm no cut off than anyone else in my family, but for some reason I just expect to be the last one told or something. I don't know. It sucks, any way you slice it. For everyone.

So now it's 3:30. I might just have to put in a DVD or something, turn the volume down pretty low, and turn the sleep timer on. I've had to do that a few times lately just to get myself to sleep. Because when the lights are off, and there's nothing else to distract me, I start thinking. And there's nothing to keep my mind from wandering to the unpleasanter things of life. From worries, and stress. I suppose I could try saying the rosary. That's worked in the past. The night before my Grandmom (Dad's mom) died, five years ago, I was in a similar state to tonight. I knew things were bad, we didn't know when but we knew it'd probably be soon, and I couldn't sleep. So I fell asleep saying the rosary. (Sometimes it's hard not to fall asleep when I say the rosary -- it's very rhythmic and soothing.) But in general, this whole thing is why sometimes I hate going to bed. Obviously I love sleeping (who doesn't?). The getting there can be difficult, though. The nights and times I'm too exhausted to do anything but let my head hit the pillow before I fall asleep, those are nice. Other nights I'm not so lucky.

I'm so tired. But I don't want to try to go to bed. I think I have to, though. Here's hoping I can.

Could it be? Spring?

I have exciting news to share. I just checked the 10 day forecast (last time I had checked it was a few days ago, probably, and there was nothing terribly exciting about it. Lots of clouds and not much real warmth). But tomorrow? Tomorrow the high is apparently 61 degrees! Granted, there's probably going to be thunderstorms, maybe some rain, and wind (ew, wind), but still. 61 degrees! And the rest of the 10 days is mostly in the 50s and upper 40s. Still not exactly warm weather, but hey, no days in the 30s makes me happy. I'll take what I can get. Spring will come. It'll always come. Even if it takes awhile. (I can't wait for flowers and blooming trees!)

Today and things

Today's been interesting. I woke up at 8 (8!) in the morning, and Gail and I walked over to McKenna where the conference was taking place. We were a little surprised to find that the first talk in the morning that we had planned to attend was slightly different when we got there. Different title, etc. Same person doing it though (I think). But we listened to it anyway. It was ok, I guess, but the original title that had gotten our attention sounded like it would have been a more interesting talk than the one we heard. But oh well. The other one we wanted to go to, right after the first, was Sex and the Vatican City, and it was as good as expected. For me there wasn't a lot of new information, but that's ok. I still find it all fascinating. That one was about the myths that people have about sex, contraception, and reasons for disliking the Church because of her teaching on these issues. The talk included things about the fact that the pill is a carcinogen, that traces of it (and other things) have been found in water supplies and that fish are starting to turn majority female, etc.

He also talked about the difference in AIDS rates in countries that tried different methods of combating AIDS -- firstly he discussed Uganda, which has had the only real success rate in decreasing the AIDS problem that Africa's facing, because they use abstinence education and what they call ABC -- abstain until marriage, be faithful to your spouse, and condom use if unable to do the first two. Uganda is also apparently pretty Catholic, compared to other African countries. Anyway. They've had success with it. Then he went on to compare the case of the Philippines and...oh man, I'm forgetting...Thailand maybe? In 1987 they were warned that the number of cases of HIV-infected people would rise dramatically by 1997 or 2000 or something. The predicted number in both countries was fairly similar, and the populations aren't terribly different either. Anyway, to help combat this, Thailand (or whatever country it was) responded by blanketing the country with condoms, making them widely and easily available. The Philippines responded by teaching people about abstinence and such. Today, Thailand has something like 750,000 cases whereas the Philippines has not quite 2000. I had previously heard about the Uganda thing, but I had never heard of the difference between Philippines and Thailand. Here, I finally found a website with the stats.

Anyway. He also had studies showing the correlation between condom use and AIDS rates in general, as well as contraception use and number of abortions. In both cases, as one rises, so does the other. Obviously it's not a direct cause and effect thing, but it's hard to deny there's a relationship. It's all a mentality thing. It's amazing. Like I said last night, the Church sure does know what she's talking about.

So. After that, Gail and I kind of wanted to stay to listen to a talk during the next session about the Creighton model and NFP (the guy who did the second talk we went to suggested going to that one to hear alternatives women have when they don't want to have to go on the pill, presumably for medical reasons, and we're both rather interested in hearing about that), but we were both too tired. But yeah. Instead we both came back to the dorm and went back to bed (it was around 11:30 at this point. Had I not gone to the conference I'd have still been asleep). Slept pretty much until I had to go to work. Had a weird dream during this in which the dome somehow started tipping over, the whole column it's on (I don't think it's really on a column like it was in my dream), and it just all fell over. It was actually sort of a mix between the belltower part of the Basilica and the dome. It wasn't in the same setting as the main building is actually in, but yeah. It was really really sad for some reason. I guess it'd be sort of like if the White House started falling apart, except I'm sure that'd be less sad for me than this. Somehow they managed to get it back standing again pretty quickly, and put the actual dome part back up, but the top (which in real life is Mary but in this dream I think might have been a cross) was gone. I don't know. It was weird. Stupidly upsetting, too. Not terribly upsetting, but unsettling for sure. Anyway.

I realized as I was walking to work that there was indeed an ordination today. I figured there would be, because they always do it the Saturday after Easter, but I hadn't seen anything about it, there wasn't anything about it on their website, etc. So I didn't request today's shift off or anything, and thus I couldn't go. I'm a little sad. Ordinations are awesome things to see, especially here. (Ok, I can't compare to anywhere else, but they just do great liturgies here. That's all there is to it.) Oh well. Work was...work. Nothing interesting. Went to CJ's for the first time for dinner. I'd heard about it before, heard it recommended, etc, so I wanted to go at least once before graduation. It was good, I guess, but I don't know. It was a burger. Nothing too exciting. But yeah. At least I can say I tried it now. I would go back, but yeah. Anyway.

Two of the cast members from The Office were at Washington Hall tonight, so Julie, Katherine, and I went to see them. It was pretty funny (although I was a bit surprised when they started throwing out that word I really don't like, I guess because obviously I never hear that on the show. But I hear it pretty much everywhere else so I don't know why it should surprise me...unfortunately). I miss that show. Good thing it's coming back soon. After that, I was convinced to go to the Backer for a little while. I had said last weekend that I would go this weekend, no matter what, but of course by tonight I was regretting saying that. I've only gone once this semester, and I just...I don't know. I think I'm kind of over it. I had my fun crazy college time last semester (although I never really did anything crazy, but I went out and such), and I guess it's out of my system now. Not to say I won't go back before graduation, but...yeah. I don't know. It's smoky (especially on nights when there are lots of townies, which was the case tonight for some reason), and crowded, and hot, and loud. And me being taller than my friends, if I want to hear anything they say I have to spend the night bent over. I mean, it is fun sometimes, and I definitely had fun there last semester. I just...yeah I don't know. I'm over it, I guess. It really is a weird thing to do, when you think about it. I have a lot more fun just hanging out with my friends. In an environment in which I can breathe and hear and move and stuff. Haha. Anyway.

Our hockey team won tonight (and they were playing in Colorado Springs! I didn't know that until it was over!), which means we're heading to the Frozen Four. So that's pretty cool. At least we're not doing terribly in all our sports this year. Although nothing makes up for that awful football season. Sigh. I miss football so much. At least baseball's finally started. Unfortunately baseball's significantly less exciting, and the occasions on which Red Sox games are shown aren't exactly often. Oh well. I'll take what I can get, and continue to look forward to the fall and football. But yes. Hockey. I just saw that apparently the team's getting back to campus around 4:45 in the morning. I'd consider going to greet them (I'm sure there'll be a small contingent, at least, of students there to cheer and such, like we did when the football team showed up after UCLA -- the first football game we won last season. Ugh), but...yeah. Firstly I don't know that any of my friends would want to go, and secondly I don't really feel like waking up to walk over there and such. It's not like I'm a hockey fan anyway. If I went it'd just be to be supportive, school spirit, etc. But eh. I'm getting up at 9 for Mass and that'll be hard enough without a half-hour or so interruption in there.

Speaking of that. Time for bed. Thankfully this week is an easy week, so I don't have to worry about being too productive tomorrow.

Friends, fun, and moral ethics!

I was going to go to bed early tonight. As usual, that didn't happen. Instead, I went to the SUB movie at Debartolo (which this week was Atonement. I hadn't really had any previous desire to see it, except when I initially heard about it, but then when I learned more I didn't really care. I should have gone with my instinct not to see it. For most of the movie, it was laughably bad in my not very artistic opinion. Not to mention some of the more...offensive aspects, which I suppose are what create the whole story in the first place... I mean, at first the movie itself was ok. And then it just got weird and all artsy. And partway through, at some random scene, I just broke out in silent hysterical laughter because I could not believe that this movie was so critically acclaimed and whatnot. It did get a bit better by the end, I suppose, but I would never, ever recommend this. But, again, I'm not exactly very...good at judging, I guess. I like what I like and don't like what I don't like and I don't expect anyone else to agree), and I watched some of my friends play a weird game (Quelf -- I didn't participate because I was planning on going to bed before it was over, and also, it's not exactly my kind of game. I'm not quirky enough to play that kind of game), and then I went to ask another friend a quick question and ended up staying in her room talking to her and her boyfriend for an hour. So...yeah.

Today was a good day, really. The talks at the Edith Stein conference I've gone to so far have been pretty good. I really like Dawn Eden, but I guess I talked about that already. And with my directed readings today. I'm just really pumped right now about sexual ethics, stupid as that sounds. It's so incredibly important, so pertinent to life, and just so...fascinating. And it's amazing just how true the truth of the Church is. If any of the tenets of sexual ethics start to be ignored, then there's no doubt that they'll all start to tumble. Ignoring one almost inevitably leads to ignoring others. I just love how interconnected all the teachings of the Church are. Sometimes I just can't understand how people believe anything else. How Catholics especially can ignore what the Church says. Anyway. I'm actually voluntarily waking up at 8 in the morning on a Saturday to go to two more of the talks with Gail -- "Dealing with an Impure World: How to Act in a Sexualized Culture" and "Sex and the Vatican City." Should be interesting. Especially on this moral ethics kick I'm on. It's a great topic. I'm actually almost excited that I'll be writing a 15 page paper on it. My excitement over this stuff is the only reason I ever considered applying to grad school. And only to the JPII Institute. Not because of lofty career goals that require a master's. Not just to say I have a master's. But because I'd be immersed in this stuff, and that's pretty cool. Who knows, maybe I'll still get there.

For now, sleep. My bed is desperately calling, as I've been neglecting it something awful this week. (And I'm waking up at 8! tomorrow. What self-respecting senior in college does that?)


(And now, three days later, I see that this was my 1100th post in 2-ish years! Wow! Ok so maybe it's not that exciting.)

Don't read. Just watch the clips.

Sorry about that writing diarrhea I had last night. Good news is, I had low reader turnout today, so perhaps some were saved from it and won't bother to go back and look at it should they check in later.

I want to write a normal post. I just have nothing to say. Well, I can say this. I really want to watch a good Astaire/Rogers movie. Really really badly. I was looking them up on amazon the other day, and I found a 5-pack for like $35. I mean, it's slightly used, through one of the non-amazon sellers, but that's a pretty good price for 5 movies. Especially when they're five awesome movies. Ok, I haven't seen most of them (I think maybe the two of theirs that I've seen are in that 5-pack), but I'm easily pleased when it comes to things like that. They're just so much fun to watch, even if all the stories might be basically the same thing. Have you watched them dance together? It's amazing. Like this one:


Or this one (how awesome is that dress?):

I just found this one, which is sort of wacky but pretty awesome. I've never heard of the movie but apparently it's one of their most underrated movies. I definitely want to check it out:


Anyway. They make me so happy for some reason. Quality stuff right there. Writing papers? That doesn't make me so happy. Especially when I'm writing my 3rd in three nights (and messing with a fourth, because I wrote it before he told me what he wanted in these reaction papers. Sigh). Sometimes I think I made a mistake in not applying for grad school this year. Weeks like this, though, make me think I most certainly didn't make a mistake. (Oh, and seeing lots of friends around here who have to write theses for their majors makes me very glad that theology doesn't require a thesis. Although I think a lot of those friends, from what they've told me, had to write this week about as much as I did, but just on one topic -- and probably one that interested them somewhat to a great deal more than my papers interested me. But still. Yay for no thesis.)

I'm going to be so glad when this week is completely over and done with. It's just been not a good week for me in a lot of respects. Not a lot of sleep, incredibly unhealthy eating patterns (I have no self control, and a box of Easter candy. Take from that what you will), too much coffee, too many papers, and other things thrown in there too. My routine, such as it is, has been completely thrown off all week. As nice as days off are, I'm looking forward to next week getting back to normal. Maybe getting back to regular sleeping patterns, maybe even to a point where I can make myself get up at 10am and exercise for half an hour. It's sad that I'm so lazy, but having to go downstairs and not knowing if the elliptical will be in use often deters me from trying at all. It's really pathetic, but there it is. Like at home. If I had an elliptical in my house, I would use it every day. No question. Well, most days at least. I hate running, but I think I'm going to try to motivate myself to do that once the weather starts getting nice. (Although at this rate, who knows if that'll happen. Seriously, it's getting annoying. I'm so longing for a sunny day that's not windy and cold. A day in the 50s. I think we've had something like two of those all semester. Perhaps that's a bit of an under-exaggeration, but probably not by much. That's the thing about here vs Colorado: Both might get snow, and maybe have bad winters, but in Colorado, it seems, the bad wintry days are mixed in with nicer, warm days. I think last week they were in the 60s or 70s, before the weekend and some Easter snow hit. Here? It's just cold. And wintry. And cloudy. And oh yeah, cold some more. And let's throw in a little not cold, but not warm. Just to tease everyone. It's enough to bother even a cold/cloudy/wintry weather lover like myself, eventually.)

Anyway. I'm trying to decide if I should skip my guitar class tomorrow to go hear a talk by Dawn Eden. Who you may or may not have heard of. She wrote a book called The Thrill of the Chaste, which I haven't read, but it's an interesting subject anyway. This weekend is the Edith Stein conference on campus, which is sort of a thing discussing feminism and Catholicism and modern America, I guess, in a way. Anyway, there's a bunch of cool talks that I might like to go to, and speakers I've heard of through the Catholic blogosphere. But we'll see. Sadly, there's one talk on Saturday at 2, which is when I work, that sounds really interesting, called "Hollywood and Effects of Sexual Revolution." Oh well. I'll survive. I mean, hey, where else would I rather be than sitting around for two hours at the Huddle, right? Anyway. I'd like to go to the one tomorrow afternoon on Theology of the Body, and Saturday's Sex and the Vatican City sounds like it could be interesting as well. Unfortunately for all of these I'm just going off of the title, as there are no descriptions for any of them, but that's ok. I think I'll probably go to the Dawn Eden one. Amy Welborn came and gave a talk...I think sophomore year sometime, and I wanted to go but ended up talking myself out of it. Not that I think it'd be life-changing or anything, but I'm sure it would have been cool to go to. I'm only here for so long, so I might as well take advantage of seeing these people while I can, right? Colorado Springs isn't exactly a hot ticket location for big name Catholic speakers. (Although I have missed out on a few that sounded cool. And there's someone else coming sometime before I get back...oh Scott Hahn maybe. I think he's going to the Springs early May or something, so I'm just gonna miss him. Oh well.)


Aaaaand ok, I wrote this last night (Thursday) but it's now Friday afternoon and it's still sitting here in the Create Post thing. Guess I'll just turn it into a Friday post. I got the papers done "last night", and found that I actually was interested in the topics discussed in Persona Humana and Donum Vitae (well, I knew I was, but I actually didn't mind writing about them), despite the fact that I just wanted to go to bed and sleep forever and not write any more papers ever. And it's a good thing that I'm interested in them, because today I learned (because I asked, since I just wanted to know so I can plan) I'll be writing a 15 pager synthesizing all the stuff we've discussed this semester. It's actually less daunting than I think it sounds. Because, like I said, I'm incredibly into all of it. The Church's teaching on sexual ethics is fascinating. And so very very applicable and truthful. It's amazing. I could go on and on. Maybe I'll post my 15 pager once I'm done. Hahaha. Wouldn't you all love that? Anyway. And I went to the Dawn Eden talk a bit ago, and I'm going to be leaving for a 3:30 talk in a little while here, and hopefully I'll be staying for the 4:45 Theology of the Body talk as well. I didn't bring a notepad or anything to Dawn Eden's, and felt sort of naked not having anything on which to jot notes (I love being able to write down thoughts I have, things I hear, etc). So I think I'll be bringing one with me to the next thing. I'm excited for the ToB talk, I just hope I can convince my friend to stay...she might not want to though. And that's fine. It's just nicer having someone else there.

Anyway. Know what's weird/annoying? Three times now since we changed clocks for daylight savings, my computer has rebelled and put itself back an hour. Literally five minutes ago, possibly less, I looked at the clock on my computer, down there in the corner, and it said 2:45 or whatever. A minute later, I noticed it looked odd, and then I noticed that it said 1:47. Somehow, while I was sitting here doing nothing interesting on my computer, without it going into hibernation and coming out an hour behind, it just changed itself. So bizarre. And I don't know why it's doing it. The clocks on the registers at work do that too. They'll switch them, and somehow not much later they'll be an hour behind again. I have no idea why this is occurring. My clock is set on eastern time, and it's supposed to adjust itself for daylight savings (but it didn't this year). I wonder, wasn't it early this year? Maybe they forgot to tell the internal clocks of computers that it was early, so they don't think it's happened yet. Who knows. All I know is, I wish it didn't keep changing itself, because man does it confuse me. I don't know what time to believe.

Well, yet again I've written a ridiculously long post. Seriously, why do I keep writing such long posts? No one wants to read that. Oh well. At least I got some good movie clips in there, right?

Five days until it's April...

...and this is what we've had much of the day:
I've seen big ol' fat rain lots of times, but today I saw big ol' fat snowflakes, like I've never seen before. Huge clumps of them. Like having small fluffy snowballs dropped down on you. It was bizarre. (It's turned more into regular, but still quite wet, snow by this point. But still. It's March 27, people. Ah well. At least it's not terribly cold.)

I guess I'll be honest?

So, in the last few days since Easter, it seems like people I know (either sort of or I'm actually friends with) just keep getting engaged. I think I know of at least two who got engaged on or around Easter, and at least one more who was recently, and probably others I'm forgetting. EVERYONE'S engaged. I guess none of my really close friends are. But it's only a matter of time before one makes the jump. And then they'll all follow. And leave poor undesirable old me alone, destined to be a crazy old cat lady. I mean, great for those people and all. Just sucks for me. Tell me any old cliche you want to make me feel better, I know, I've heard them all, and maybe they're true. But know what? They don't help. I suppose if I don't want to hear them, I maybe shouldn't complain about it, huh? I never complain about it on here though. Maybe once in awhile. But not really. Not how I really feel.

How do I really feel? Totally and completely unwanted. What do all those other girls have, even the girls who aren't engaged, maybe aren't even in serious relationships, those girls who maybe have even just been asked out a couple of times. What do they have that I'm so incredibly lacking? I know I'm not perfect, or skinny, or the prettiest girl out there, or the most fun, or any of that. And I'm ridiculously tall (especially for guys at this school). But still. Isn't there just one guy out there? Even just a date. What the heck, huh? I sure as heck don't get it, and I sure as heck am frustrated by it. I'll be 23 before I know it, and still as single as any girl's ever been. And probably still as lacking in confidence as any girl's ever been. Which, perhaps, is part of my problem. But it's sort of a vicious cycle thing, you know? I'm not entirely sure how to get out of it. Because maybe I can make myself have some confidence about my writing skills, or my...job skills (if I ever get a job), or something like that. Maybe I can even make myself have some confidence with regard to my looks. (Some confidence.) But I can't possibly just make myself have confidence when it comes to guys being interested. I can't make a guy interested in me. (Because believe me, if it were possible, I would have done it a long time ago.) (And this isn't to say that I need to have a man in my life to have any self-worth. But never having anyone in any capacity really messes with a girl's sense of self-esteem. A mother's love and assurances can only go so far when you've made it to being 22 without a single guy finding you attractive enough, in any sense, to date. Sad as that is, that's where I am right now. A guy might not complete me, but he could sure make me feel better about myself. Sorry if I'm being anti-feminist or something.)

And that's sort of what sucks so much about the whole situation. It's the not knowing, the not understanding, and the not being able to do anything about it. What it is about me that seems to turn off guys, or repulse them, or make me invisible to them? I sure as heck don't know. All I know is, I'm about to graduate from college, and I will have "successfully" made it through all of high school and all of college without getting asked out a single time. (Ok, I guess there was one. Sort of.) Not even to a dance, not even platonically to a dance. I've never been to a guy's SYR here (that's what the dorm dances here are called). Not a one. I might be the only one of allll of my friends here who's able to say that (lucky me!). I've never been hit on in a bar (not that I necessarily want that, obviously, but at this point it'd almost be nice. Ok, no, I guess that's not true). I had always assumed that I'd be getting married sometime after college. That I'd meet someone in college and I wouldn't be starting from scratch when I graduate. I was never one of those people who wanted to wait until I was "older," who thought it'd be too young to get married before 25 or 27. And now here I am, and chances are I won't be getting married before I'm 25. I'll still hold out hope that maybe it'll happen before I'm 27, but who knows? Maybe I'll be one of those perpetually single girls who just can't find someone, who hits 30 and then 35 and all chances of having kids start to go out the window. And then maybe when I'm 40 or 50 I'll find someone. It could happen, much as people try to tell me it won't. Who's to say it won't? There's nothing in the Constitution that guarantees finding someone to love you before the end of your childbearing years. Nothing that's conferred upon people at their baptism that says they'll find someone when they're still young. God never said "Be as good a Catholic as you can, and you'll get married in your 20s." It's just...I don't know.

Wow I got on a nice little rant there, didn't I? Wasn't planning on that. Sometimes lately, though, it's just...it gets so overwhelming. Loneliness. All that. It's pathetic, but there it is. I should change my feelings, but there they are. Most here probably haven't seen Mr. Magoo's Christmas Carol, but there's a song in there -- a sad, depressing song -- that I can't help but agree with exactly sometimes. (Maybe it's in my more cynical and melancholic times, as it does include the line "I'm all alone in the world" and I do have my parents and my siblings and my friends and whatnot, so I'm not quite alone as the childhood Scrooge. But still...the sentiment's there. "A hand for each hand was planned for the world, why don't my fingers reach? Millions of grains of sand in the world, why such a lonely beach?" etc. Pathetic, really.) I know it's stupid. I know I'm stupid for letting the whole thing get to me this much and this often. It's not like it's been a constant thing, to this degree, for the last however many years. It's not even now. But it is much more frequent now, for whatever reason. And I realize I sound like a head case. I mean, it's just a relationship. Why let let the lack of it bother me so much?

The thing is, it's not just that I want to be in a relationship. I mean, I do, but I don't just want to be in a relationship to be in a relationship. Hence why it doesn't help when people say "Boys are dumb, you're lucky you don't have to deal with one," or "Enjoy being single! You can do so much more, you have so much more freedom!" Things like that. I'd like to experience for myself that boys are dumb, and I've had quite enough of that "freedom." Very, very, very few people I know can relate to me at all. Very few people have made it through their entire college careers without ever having any part of those experiences. How many people do you know of who have younger siblings who are getting married, before those people even have boy/girlfriends? (I'm happy for you and all, Peter, I'm just venting here.) Especially when those people (the boy/girlfriendless ones) really wish they were the ones getting married, because they've always wanted to get married. It's not exactly what I would call a pleasant feeling, surprisingly. I mean, I was sort of sad enough (not really sad, that's not the right word for it) that I didn't even have a date to bring to my sister's wedding four years ago. Here I am, practically same situation only it's a younger brother, and not only do I not have a date to his wedding, I haven't had a date in the intervening four years.

Here's the thing, or another thing I guess. I'm trying to trust God with this. (About time I bring him into the conversation, no?) Desperately trying. What else am I going to do? I really want to do what he wants for me, because I know, I truly believe that what he wants is far better than what I could ever want for myself. It'll all turn out better. I just have to let it happen. And there's the tough part. It's hard to come back to my dorm room at whatever point in the day, people in relationships all around me, never having experienced that myself, and say "Ok God, whatever you want." It's hard to say it and mean it without any sense of "What the heck are you thinking" or anger or confusion or disappointment in his apparent plan. It's hard to accept that, for whatever reason, God wants me to be single. I don't know that I can say with certainty that he's wanted me to remain completely single my whole life up to this point (and further on), because perhaps I messed something up along the way somehow, missed something, even if it was just something small. But I do think that I'm not in a relationship, and have yet to be in one, because for whatever reason God doesn't want me to be in one. I don't understand it, and I don't understand why it'd be so hard for him to let me be asked out a time or two (unless there's some weird reaction I'd have to being asked out, like I'd get all...oh I don't even know), or to have someone be interested in me (and when I say this, and when I say no one's ever been interested in me, I mean in a sense that I've known about. Sure, it's possible that someone has been interested in me at some point in my life. But as far as I'm concerned, unless I know about it, it might as well not exist. It doesn't exist. Because if I don't know about it, the result is the same). It's stupid, but my self-confidence is so low that I think even knowing someone found some part of me attractive would be such a boost. I mean, I don't just want someone to say "You have pretty eyes" or something. I mean to be attracted to something real. I've never really had that. I've never even sort of had it.

Sometimes I hate wearing my purity ring. I wear it on my left ring finger. I wonder sometimes if it preemptively scares off some guys. I seriously doubt it does, but I hate it when people see it and ask if I'm engaged. It's happened. Why wouldn't it? I mean, it's a logical question. Not offensive or anything (like asking someone if she's pregnant. That could obviously have some negative repercussions). But I hate it. It's not like I need to wear it. I don't need a ring to know that I'm committed to my chastity. God doesn't need me to wear it to know that I want to honor him in that regard. I just do, because I have since I got it back in 8th grade or whenever it was. It's a nice reminder sometimes. Sometimes it's a not so nice reminder of what isn't there. Sometimes I think the whole thing is pointless. Why even pretend to be committed to chastity when I have no one trying to make me break that commitment? Why claim to be waiting for marriage when it's not like I'm getting offers that I have to turn down? What's the point, anyway? I know there's still a point, but sometimes I'm just too cynical to want to see it. It does seem ridiculous, though. It's almost like I'm saying "Well, I'm committed to staying away from practicing witchcraft while doing hallucinogenic drugs." That's a great commitment and all, but when would I ever have the opportunity to do that? Ok, maybe it's not quite the same thing. And chastity isn't simply about not having sex. (Just read the CDF document Persona Humana. It's pretty good.) But still. It just all feels like a mockery sometimes, you know? Who are you trying to fool, anyway, Susie, by wearing a ring that symbolizes a commitment you've never come close to being able even to challenge?

It's hard for me to accept, the whole thing. It's hard (and scary beyond belief) to think that maybe he will never want me in a relationship. Maybe I have some other vocation. Sure, becoming a nun has entered my mind before. Even seriously. But at the end of the day I always go back to what I've wanted my whole life -- nothing more than to be a wife and mother. That's all I've ever wanted to be. Perhaps that'll change, who knows. What a waste of money to go to Notre Dame if I don't even have high aspirations for some well-paying job, right? That's just the way it is though, and (yes, this was a mistake on my part) that's part of the reason I have absolutely zero direction regarding the rest of my life starting eight weeks from now. I didn't go to college with a career as a doctor, or lawyer, or teacher, or anything as the end plan. I went to college and, while I may not have specifically had this in mind, I fully expected I'd be earning my MRS. degree by the end. When people ask me what I want to do with my life, I can't very well answer "I want to get married and have kids." That's the sort of thing a person can say when she actually has someone in her life who she'd consider marrying. But beyond that, it just seems ridiculous not to have some other goal.

Clearly things didn't work out the way I planned (I know, I know, nothing ever does). I still hope, and pray, that God does want me to get married one day. But I think that if he has another path in mind, someday I'll be at peace with that. As it is right now, it's hard. And it's caused no shortage of angry discussions with God. Pleadings. Questioning. I don't doubt that God loves me. Even when I may start to feel worthless and unlovable, even when I think I'm not good enough for anyone (friends and family included), I know it's wrong and that God loves me and that his love alone should be enough. He'd do anything for me, right? He died for me. His love for me -- for me, Susie, myself, individually -- is amazing and breathtaking. He knows exactly how I feel. He knows exactly what I'm thinking. He knows me better than anyone ever will, including me. I mean, obviously it's good to have other people around, but as long as I have God, what else do I really need, right? It's hard to do this, but I'm really really trying to get to a point where I love God as much as he deserves. Ok, that's impossible, as this past weekend so gloriously showed. (Easter Vigil was pretty much everything in the post, all rolled up into one. Me by myself in a sea of couples and families and friends, all sharing the experience, and me sharing it too, but as an individual, alone. I guess that's just how God wants me right now. He wants me all to himself. And I want to deny him that? No, but...yes.) There's no way I could repay that with my pitiful attempt at love. But I need to try to love him as much as I can, and I know I haven't been. It's a hard thing to do though, for some reason. After the emotions of the Triduum and Easter, it should theoretically be easy beyond belief to say (and feel and mean) that I love God above all else, above everything, and want to live my life around him, and I don't want to make him somehow fit around the rest of my life. It doesn't work to do it that way (to try to fit God around the rest of my life). It really doesn't work. And I'm no good at centering my life around God. I suck at praying. Like, I'm really really terrible at it. My mind doesn't stop long enough to listen, long enough to finish a prayer. Forget about trying to hear God, what he wants from me, through anything.

And that's another frustrating thing. Not only am I not in a relationship, for whatever reason, I don't even have a clue what God wants me to do instead. Does he really want me just to go back home and find some job that I'll get through a temp agency? Is that really where he wants me to be? Maybe it is. I would guess that it's not where he ultimately wants me, but maybe I need that to get to the next step. But I have no idea. So I just plod along, trying to listen (although, honestly, not trying very hard), and randomly doing whatever ends up sounding good at the time. Maybe that's how God directs me, who knows. It's frustrating, that's all I know.

I sometimes wonder if people see me and think I'm a good person, especially when it comes to my faith and such. I may be a semi, sort of "good" Catholic, as far as trying to follow the "rules" goes, but even in that I fall far, far short. But when it comes to my relationship with God, it's practically deplorable. I really do try, sometimes. But it's hard. And it's really hard when I think that I've been doing pretty well, maybe even making some headway, and things just continue to be...not good. I don't have an awful life, or a terrible life, or even a bad life. I have a pretty good life, and I can't really complain. But when I think back on the last year or two or so, and try to pick out something great that's happened to me, something I've wanted that I've actually gotten, it's really hard to find anything. Sure, my second nephew was born last summer, and he's awesome. But somehow it's sort of separate from me, if that makes any sense. Not to lessen the blessing that he is, or the happiness he brings. And I know, that's what I'm doing, isn't it? But...I don't know, it's been a tough few years for me. Especially this year. My cat died in September, and I still long to hold her and cuddle her every time I see her picture. We put Kebbie down this month. The whole hospital/ovary problems. Disappointment in school. Disappointment in a lot of expectations I have about things (and people wonder why I expect the worst. It's because the best never -- ok, rarely, and I'm hard-pressed to think of a recent time when it has -- happens to me). Nothing major, obviously (aside from the pet thing). Just a lot of little things that continue to beat me down, bit by bit. And very little to help boost me up. Very little. Sometimes I'll come across the blog of a woman struggling with infertility. (There's a lot of them out there.) And I'll read a post here and there which, aside from the fact that that woman and I are hoping for two different things, I can almost understand exactly what she's talking about. The longing, the hoping, the waiting, the bittersweet feeling at learning yet another's happy news. (Of course, in my selfishness I can't help but think -- at least those women have great supports in their husbands to get them through the really hard days and nights. Especially the nights. But I'm sure that doesn't make their situation better than mine.) Yeah, perhaps my longing is much more petty than a woman who desperately wants a child and for whatever reason God has not yet seen fit to bless her with one. But that doesn't make it any easier for me to deal with. Especially because, wrapped up in my desire to be in a relationship and ultimately married, there is also a deep desire to have kids. And I feel that longing, too, when I see or hold babies, or pregnant women, or any of that. It's all just...there.

And I can't help but think, why me? (Why anyone? I know, lots of bad things -- much worse than my life -- happen to lots of people. But this isn't about rationality right now.) Are the only prayers to God from me that'll get a "yes" answer going to be ones such as, "Hey, how about a little sun/rain/clouds/etc today?" Sure, those are nice, but it's hard to keep going when all I get is weather. And not even all the time, by a long shot. Good things happen to lots of people, even people who don't seem nice, people who don't have a relationship with God, any of that stuff. Lots of people get what they really want. It's hard to accept, but nowhere is it said that if you're a good person, good things will happen. (Not to presume that I'm a good person. God knows I'm not, oh boy does he -- hence my love of and thankfulness for the sacrament of penance.) And God never, ever guaranteed earthly happiness for those who put their trust in him. (I don't think. I could easily be wrong, I am a Catholic after all, and don't know my bible very well.) God wants us to be happy, yes, but he wants our eternal happiness first and foremost. And eternal happiness is what really matters. Because when it comes down to it, every happiness we have on earth is temporal, and it will go away eventually. We need to put our happiness in God if we want any kind of lasting happiness at all. And it's hard to accept, for me, that placing my trust in God and his will for me does not mean that it's all going to be sunshine and roses. I do expect that eventually, whatever happens in my life, I'll have a sense of peace about things. And hopefully happiness, too. Because I'll be where God wants me to be. (I hope. I have no idea what God wants from me, though, and it's very likely that I could wander down a wrong path somewhere...did you know that it's hard to figure out his will? Maybe not for you. But for me, it definitely is.) This, right now, the past few years, and maybe a few more into the future, this is my Lent. Lent has to come before we get to Easter. There is darkness before there's light. But the light does come. Maybe for me it won't come for a long time. Maybe my Easter is still years away. But someday, somehow, in some shape, it'll get here. I do believe that.

And...um...I guess I should go through and make paragraphs now...and put those first two paragraphs I wrote (which have absolutely nothing to do with the rest of this post, because I had no idea I was going to be writing this tonight, although it makes sense since I have another paper due tomorrow and didn't get much sleep last night -- why wouldn't I waste my time complaining about my lack of a love life on my blog?) somewhere else, or delete them entirely. They're not interesting anyway. And...um...kudos to you if you made it through this post. Even more so if you come back ever again, or ever talk to me again...Oh, and again, really, congratulations to everyone who has found someone. It's a special and wonderful thing, so they tell me. Don't let me wet-blanket all over you. It's nice when people are happy. I just wish it would happen to me once in awhile. (I know, I know, I'm being dramatic and exaggeratory.) Man, I can write and write and write posts until my fingers bleed. But I can't end them well to save my life. Oh well.

Four more posts after this and I'm up to 1100

Today is March 25, which is also (normally) the feast of the Annunciation. (Did you notice that the Annunciation is nine months before Christmas? What a coincidence! Oh yeah, not really.) Sort of weird then that it's been moved to next week, but Easter trumps all. So yeah. Maybe Christmas this year should be January 1. Haha. Wouldn't that throw people for a loop. Ok apparently my calendar from the Basilica of the National Shrine, which has all the feast days and solemnities and optional memorials, etc (well I guess not all), it says that the Annunciation this year is April 1. But apparently when it falls during Easter Week (or Holy Week, maybe, or something) it's moved to the Monday after the second Sunday of Easter. Except when that Monday is the Feast of St. Joseph, which is a solemnity. But I think maybe that they moved that from March 19 to March 15 this year, instead of March 31 as apparently this calendar thought they'd do. I'm not sure, and I'm sort of confused by it all. But the point is, the Annunciation is next Monday, not next Tuesday. I think. Eh who cares. Well, I mean, I do care, but...yeah. Ok I'm done now.

What else, what else...Oh yeah, so today in CS Lewis we talked about the fourth book of the series (in published order, which, as I've mentioned many times before, is my preferred order. It just...it's so much better. That's all there is to it). Anyway. The fourth book is The Silver Chair. It's a good one. And, as I mentioned in a post I wrote over break, it is the book in which we meet a character named Puddleglum. He and I apparently share the same personality type. It made me happy reading the book. Even if his personality is described as a wet blanket at times. It all works out in the end. I like him.

So, I have a paper due tomorrow. I don't really think it's going to be that much of a pain to write, I just have to do it. I actually already have a bit written (go me!), but not nearly enough. It's hard to get motivation to write a paper when I know I'll have to do the same, but more, tomorrow night, and the next night. Three nights in a row, three classes, three papers. Thank God I'm not in the group who has to do a paper in CS Lewis this week. If that were the case I think I'd just have to find someone to switch with me, because man. No. (Although, I am slightly miffed that both of the weeks I have to do papers for that class, one of which has already passed, the nonfiction reading isn't even a CS Lewis reading. I don't like the way that worked out, and it seems unfair somehow. Especially because that other book from which both of those sections are taken is a really weird book that I just...it doesn't speak to me. I wish I could write a paper comparing CS Lewis' fiction with his nonfiction, instead of his fiction to someone else's nonfiction. I don't really see how that fits the point of the class at all. But whatever.) Anyway. Paper tomorrow. And Thursday. And Friday. Technically two Friday, but technically I've written one already, but technically I have to revamp it slightly extensively. Possibly. But also technically...I don't care that much. Except I kind of do, because I'd like to look not like an idiot to that prof. I've had it pretty easy in that "class" (directed readings) up till now, so whatever. I can take a bit of a spike in work these last four or five classes. (Hey, lucky me, Lost is officially on hiatus until April 24, so I won't even have that distraction on Thursday nights anymore! Except that's not really lucky because it was a favorite weekly social interaction of mine. Alas. I need to convince my friends somehow to be open to doing more than sitting in their apartments and/or going to the Backer every weekend night. Sad that only one of them (I think) likes bowling. Can't remember which one that is though.)

Talking about school is boring, though. Who really wants to hear about my paper saga? Once I get through this week I'll be golden for awhile. Another paper (aforementioned CS Lewis paper) due in two weeks or so, then the final history paper and the last philo paper due in a month, the last week of school. And finals. Someone said today that the history final is Monday of finals, so that's cool (although I think we're all agreed that it sucks that we have a final paper due the last day we have that class, and then a final as well. It's mean when teachers do that. Pick one or the other, dudes). I have that on Monday, and the CS Lewis on Friday. Sort of sucks having one on Friday (in case people want to road trip somewhere that weekend, or something, who knows), but I suppose it's not bad. Oh and apparently there's going to be some sort of presentation starting mid-April that we're going to have to do regarding our history papers...but he hasn't really explained at all what that's about yet. I'm dreading that. I've gotten by without having to do a single presentation or anything involving talking in front of a class since sophomore year. Not good for growth, but good for my stress and sanity levels. That's going to suck. The point is, though, that this is the worst week I'll have had pretty much all semester, and I don't anticipate another this bad either. So, I'll survive, and it'll be great. Even if my papers do suck. I'm over needing to get great grades. Too much stress to worry about that. Not like it'll matter much anyway, as long as I don't delve into the C range (and I seriously doubt that'll happen).

So. Beyond school. I really really, really really really, really really really really really want to get a dog. Obviously not for another two months. But when I get home, oh man. A dogless house is just so...empty. I have nothing else in my life, so a dog would be great. Yeah I guess it might depend on the job I get, as apparently puppies take some work (the last time we had puppies around I was eight, and thus I wasn't really in charge of much of that...nor do I remember a lot of it -- although I do remember when Kebbie was a puppy, one time she started peeing in the house, or looked like she was going to, so I picked her up to run her outside and in the process got pee on my pants. But man she was such a cute little furball, I'm sure I didn't care. What a dog she was). But seriously. I need a dog in my life. My dad is currently on week 2 of being home alone (last week, Sunday through Thursday, my mom was in Dallas on a work thing, and then she left yesterday afternoon for New Hampshire until probably next Monday, unexpectedly, because my grandmother had a heart attack Sunday night. I guess she -- my grandmother -- is doing surprisingly well now, but they're not sure when they'll release her from the hospital and then it'll be to some rehab center or something. Anyway. Prayers for her would be appreciated. She'll be 88 in June, so...she's pretty amazing. Am I a terrible person for adding this into a paragraph about my desire for a puppy? I hope not...I do really love my grandmother, I just didn't really want to talk about this because I don't often like to talk about real things, serious things. Just frivolously serious things, things that don't really matter. Anyway).

Back to the point. Dad's home alone. I'm sure it must be odd for him, at least it would be for me, considering he used to have a house with four kids, two dogs, two cats at one point. Numbers dwindled as we got older and pets got deader, and now it's just him and Mom most times (except when Susie, the soon-to-be graduated moocher, is around). I was thinking about it tonight, and at first I was thinking, "Oh at least he has a dog around, that's something." But no, no he doesn't. I mean, I didn't really think that he had a dog around, because rarely do I forget that Kebbie's no longer there. But I'm still in the mode of having pets in my life, because that's all I've ever known. He's the only living thing at my house this week. And last week. Etc. And perhaps he doesn't mind that (well, I'm sure he misses my mom, but I don't know that he terribly misses the pet part), because maybe he's just over having pets. But if it were me, that'd be so incredibly lonely. Nights when I'd be up late by myself (aka, every night) never bothered me, obviously, but when Kebbie would go up with Mom and Dad and sleep in their room, I liked those nights a little bit less. At least when she was sleeping on the family room floor, she was there, and I wasn't completely alone. I just...I don't want to live in a world without a dog. In a house without a dog. I don't know how many friends I'm going to have around this summer, this fall, etc. Most of my friends have moved on or are still in college elsewhere. Actually I keep in regular communication with very few friends from high school, really. It'd be so nice if I at least had a dog who needed me to spend lots of time with it, to give me something to do at the very least. I know it's pretty pointless talking about this now, as there's still two months before I can do anything about it. But it's been on my mind lately. I hope my parents cave and let me get one. The thought of buying and paying for a dog all on my own sort of excites me, too. Actually, to be honest, the thought of being self-sufficient with everything excites me. I very much dislike having my parents pay for anything. I really want to be able to pay for things myself. Obviously, being a poor college student with not much income makes that quite impossible at this point. But one of these days, I'll have a real job. And even though I might not be paying for rent and food, I can at least pay for most everything else myself. Someday, maybe a car. That'll be awesome. But probably a ways off...

I want a dog.

Speaking of two months away, isn't it weird how that can have different connotations depending on what you're talking about? Like, saying you have to wait two months to see someone sort of seems like a long time. Saying that you only have two months left of school, when you've been going to school for the past 18 years or so, seems rather...not long at all. It's weird. Know what else is weird? Graduation is a mere 7.5 weeks away (sorry fellow seniors who read this), and we still don't know who our graduation speaker is. Which means they don't have someone yet, which means it's going to be someone not good at all. Disappointing. I mean, if it's someone worth having, do you really think that they'd have an open spot in their schedule this close to the date? Sigh. Oh well. Martin Sheen will be there. And I don't mean the deacon who looks like him. Haha. Maybe they'll both be there.They should just have Martin Sheen speak. That'd be good enough for me. Whatever.

I want a dog.

Perhaps I should go finish that paper, eh? Chelsea Clinton is coming here tomorrow (speaking at Legends, the on campus bar/restaurant, which is odd enough -- but it's at 10:30am. Even odder. And with Sean Astin, which is really weird. I mean, yeah, he played Rudy and all, but what the heck does he have to do with the Clintons? I'd consider going, but...10:30? I don't have class until 11:45, which means that I don't have to be up until 10:30. I don't think Chelsea Clinton and Sean Astin are enough to make me want to wake up earlier than I have to. Maybe if it weren't a paper night.

But clearly, judging from this excessively long post (what the heck did I even write about?), it is. And it'll be the same story tomorrow night...and if I'm still alive Thursday night, then too. Woohoo!!! (That party I was invited to on Friday? I think I may be a bit too unconscious to attend. Right now I think I'll want to fall asleep sometime after my guitar lesson, if I even make it to that, and stay asleep until I have to wake up for work on Saturday at 2pm. Sounds fantabulously glorious to me.)

27 days...

27 days of school left, believe it or not. 5 Fridays (which are sort of school days for me, but not completely), and 11 each of T/Th and M/W classes. In those 27 days, I have: 2 philo papers to do, 1 rough draft and then a final draft of my history paper (and apparently some sort of presentation in there as well?), and one more CS Lewis paper. Oh, and 4 page reaction papers every week for directed readings (which, I think we only lined up four more weeks of readings, but it wouldn't surprise me if he came up with a fifth). And I'm not sure yet if I'll have some sort of overarching longer paper to do for that class. Probably, but he hasn't mentioned it yet. I'll also have a history final and a CS Lewis final, but those aren't in the 27 remaining school days.

But people, 8 weeks from this moment, I'll be graduated and probably on my way back to Colorado. Now, when it's called two months, somehow it doesn't really seem that close. But it's less than two months. And starting to call it "x weeks" makes it just...too close. But 8 weeks it is. At least, thankfully, it's only 6 weeks of school. And then study days, finals week (which, despite the fact that one of my two finals is on the last day of finals week -- again, as usual with me -- will be nice), and the lovely Senior Week. If we graduated the weekend finals were done...man that'd be stressful and not cool. But we get a whole week where it's just seniors around (and whatever freshman, sophomores, and juniors stay around to work various things during senior week) and we do fun things and get to relax. Mmm.

I have to be honest, though. Especially when I have a week like this one (4-5 pager due Wednesday, 10-12 page rough draft due Thursday -- I'm aiming for 8-9 pages right now, though, and then a 3-4 page reaction paper due Friday), just thinking about being home is sort of nice. Because when I'm home, that means I'll be done with this school thing. It means no more homework. It's a nice thought. I mean, even last summer I was taking classes. I haven't had a significant period of time without schoolwork in awhile. So...I am looking forward to that, much as I am reluctant to leave here for good, officially. I don't even want to think about that part. The not seeing on a regular basis, or even often, the friends I've made here part. The not being a part of campus and such part. The not being involved in whatever's going on here part. The missing it part. Man I'm going to miss seeing that dome. And hearing the bells of the Basilica. Sigh.

Well. As I mentioned, I have tons to do this week, so I best get to it (because, not only do I have to write those pages, I don't even know what on earth I'm going to write about...unfortunately).

Christ is Risen! Alleluia!

Christ the Lord is ris'n today, Alleluia!

All on earth with angels say, Alleluia!
Raise your joys and triumphs high, Alleluia!
Sing, O heav'ns, and earth reply, Alleluia!

Lives again our glorious King; Alleluia!
Where, O death, is now your sting? Alleluia!
Once he died our souls to save, Alleluia!
Where your victory, O grave? Alleluia!

Love's redeeming work is done, Alleluia!
Fought the fight, the battle won. Alleluia!
Death in vain forbids him rise; Alleluia!
Christ has opened paradise. Alleluia!

Soar we now where Christ has led, Alleluia!
Following our exalted Head; Alleluia!
Made like him, like him we rise, Alleluia!
Ours the cross, the grave, the skies. Alleluia! Amen!

Maybe every post from now on should include the word Basilica somewhere.

This story is so cool. Sometimes I really wish I had gone into marine biology, or something nature- or animal-related. But alas, I did not, and hopefully I wasn't meant to. Hopefully I was meant to be an unemployed bachelor-degreed theologian (not that I'd ever seriously consider myself a theologian).

Also, I hear tell that "they've" been discussing for awhile making a CD of the lit choir's Good Friday service. I think it'd be awesome to do a whole Triduum at the Basilica CD. Although it wouldn't be nearly as breathtaking as being there in person. Really, it's the whole package that gets to me -- the sights, the sounds, the smells. Anyway.

So a few of my friends from the dorm who stayed for break are going to Olive Garden for dinner and then seeing National Treasure 2 at the $2 theater. They asked me, but obviously I'm going to the Vigil. Sorta sad, because that sounds like fun. But I'd be kicking myself for a long time if I did that instead of attending, for the last time in my foreseeable future, the amazing finale of three of my favorite days of the year. Oh well.

Interestingly, I woke up today and looked out my window, half-expecting to see a blanket of snow. What I did see includes no clouds and no snow at all (I think we got some rain last night that took care of most of whatever snow had accumulated). It's still going to be a chilly day, and chillier night, but perhaps, just maybe, we'll escape today unsnowed. And that would be really nice considering I'm going to have to wait at least a little while outside the Basilica, as I plan on going and getting in line before they open the doors (I did this last year as well and still ended up much closer to the back than the front. It's crazy). Man that's going to be one cold wait. I guess I'm a glutton for punishment. But it's so so worth it. I mean, as far as someone can be in love with a building (and I tend to think a person can be more in love with a church than, say, a bank), I am so in love with the Basilica and all it includes. Mmm.

I slept in until 1 today. Went to bed a bit late (what else is new) thanks in part to a lovely headache I got last night. Also because I was knitting up a storm for most of the evening in an attempt to finish my shawl for tonight, as it is going to be cold and my dress isn't exactly what you could call warm. Or long-sleeved. So. (Good news is, I'm nearing a length that I would be happy with. I still need to work on it some more though, which will probably be what I do most of the rest of the day. I'm cool like that.) But here's the awesome thing about my sleeping in until one, which gave me 10 full hours of sleep: I didn't wake up at all in the morning prior to one pm! Lately, often, many mornings I wake up 2, 3 times before my alarm goes off. At like 7, 8am. I realize to normal people that's not terribly early, but when you're not planning on getting up until 10ish, it sort of is (because you probably didn't go to bed at a time that would make 7 or 8 result in nearly enough sleep). But yeah, waking up and tossing and turning lots in the morning just gets irritating. So I was very excited that I didn't have that problem at all today. It was nice.

Anyway. I'm gonna go take a shower and try to finish my old lady shawl and stuff. And get excited for the vigil tonight! Yay!

Good Friday

I probably shouldn't be posting today, but I'm trying to keep everything else pretty subdued today. All I really wanted to say, though, is that I have the Trisagion that we sang at the Good Friday liturgy this afternoon stuck in my head.

And I love it. The words are pretty simple, but powerful ("Holy God, Holy and mighty One, Holy and immortal One, have mercy on us"), and we sing it in Greek, Latin, French, Spanish, and English (choir does each first then we all repeat), and each time the presider holds the cross up, facing a different direction each language. What really gets me, though, is the haunting harmonies that the choir does. Strikes right to the heart (they're really good at that).

So...that's cool.

Also, it's snowing. And cold. Of course. Oh well. Oh and, after seeing lots of people who were there even sooner than I was today (I got to the Basilica at 1:30 for a 3:00 liturgy, and it was still fairly empty which was nice) sitting in pews reading books and such, I decided I'm going to do that tomorrow. I sort of thought it'd be weird, because I've considered it before. But I guess if I bring something like my Scott Hahn book, it'd be ok. (I'd certainly feel odd reading something like whatever book I'm currently reading from the Anne of Green Gables series. Although I probably wouldn't feel weird reading the next Chronicles of Narnia book we'll be discussing Tuesday...)

Well, that's all I've got for today.



(Ok I lied, two and a half hours later. I watched The Passion after getting away from the computer. Well, I had started it earlier today, before I went to church, but didn't get all that far. So I finished it tonight. And what with the combination of that, and today's liturgy -- not exactly beautiful, but perfect in what it should be -- and yesterday's, I'm just feeling it so much. Wonderfully, painfully, awesomely. It's incomprehensibly amazing what Jesus did for us. There's no way I can get across what I'm truly feeling about it all right now, but...it blows me away sometimes when I actually let it all hit me. It's not just some nice story with a good moral at the end. It really happened. And we get to participate in it every year. And as hard as it may be to sit there and realize that it was, that it is our sin that put Jesus in that position, it just makes the wonder of the Easter Vigil and Easter Sunday that much more glorious. It's humbling to remember that God said no to his Son, when asked to find another way. And Jesus readily accepted this answer. Who am I to complain when God says no to me for some inconsequential, not nearly as painful experience when compared to the suffering Jesus endured? To appreciate Easter, to understand just what it means, we have to meditate on what yesterday and today are. They're not just days that happen to come before Easter. They are why Easter comes. Both need each other, really. It's a thing so far beyond wonderful that there's not even a word for it.

Anyway. Just some thoughts. I think I'm done now.)

Melancholic...

I really shouldn't be feeling this way (or perhaps I should), but all of a sudden, just now, I got sad to the point of almost tears about the Triduum at the Basilica. Freshman year I went home for Easter. I forget why, exactly, but sophomore year I decided to stay. And now you wouldn't be able to pay me to go home instead of staying here. I fell in love. Hard. It's no secret that the Basilica knows how to do a beautiful liturgy (some better than others, but at least there are options). I'd say, not really having any other experience beyond here and home, that the Triduum liturgies here are among the most beautiful and reverent of anywhere in the country. I can't imagine how it could be done more wonderfully. Today was Holy Thursday, which meant a packed house, but I managed to get a seat for myself and for Bethany in the main section towards the back. It's not a short Mass (although, at an hour and a half, it's pretty much as long as a regular Mass back home -- and with lots more things going on and many more times the number of people), but it's lovely. It starts with the procession, which includes a great number of priests. And lots and lots of incense. Very beautiful, very reverent, and gorgeous music.

Then there's the Liturgy of the Word and all that, pretty much a typical Mass. Then the washing of the feet, which consists of 12 people up on the steps leading to the altar, and the priest washes their feet. (None of the "Everyone go get your feet washed!" craziness that happens, or at least used to, back home. No idea if they still do that.) Lovely, reverent music throughout. Then there's the Liturgy of the Eucharist, which is also pretty typical (except it's awesome to see the longer line of people who bring up the hosts and wine that will be consecrated -- it's a lot of hosts and wine). It's amazing how quickly they can get through giving everyone Communion when the church is packed. And I love love love when all the EMs are priests and only priests (or deacons). It's how it should be. (But I know, being at the Basilica, with a great many priests easily on hand to be there, isn't a typical experience of the vast majority of parishes. Sadly.) Anyway.

After that, after that comes my favorite part. The procession of the Eucharist. Talk about all glory, laud, and honor. All the priests process down the main aisle, following two altar servers carrying big banners, and then people (in white altar server robes), maybe 12 or so, all carrying candles on these sticks (I think these people might be called torch bearers, but I'm not sure. Might just be light bearers. Either way, it's cool), then two altar servers (although they might be called something else...they wear cassocks and such, so are distinguished from others) who both have censers (I think that's what they're called...I really wish I knew more of the church lingo like that, but alas, my church was fairly sparse on all that stuff) -- the things that are held with incense in it, to incense everything. Anyway. There's two guys who each have one, walking side by side, and they switch off walking backwards and incensing the presider who's holding the rest of the Eucharist to be used tomorrow, so that there's a constant stream of incense going on. And then comes Fr. Rocca (the Basilica rector), the deacon (who today was the deacon who looks like Martin Sheen, which causes me no end of enjoyment for some reason -- I don't like Martin Sheen that much), and the presider. Who's wearing some extra garment to keep the Eucharist covered and all that. Anyway. So they go down the main aisle, past the font, turn left and go up the side aisle on the right of the church, and then go all the way back to the tabernacle. Actually I think they go to the Lady Chapel in the very back. But there's a large tabernacle in the way so I have no idea what goes on at that point. All I know is, during the whole thing we're singing the Pange Lingua, on our knees, and I'm in heaven. It is so moving, and so beautiful, and so wonderful. And then we all depart in silence. Theoretically. But yeah.

And then tonight at 11 they did Tenebrae, as always, which is also quite lovely. I'm so incredibly spoiled by this place. I hate the thought that next year I have no idea what I'm going to get. I have no idea where I'll be. It's obvious that I need to find a new church, one that doesn't cause me to wince throughout Mass (and yes, I know to an extent it's my own fault and that I have high expectations which may never be quite fulfilled again). But I have no idea where to go. It's easy to find a parish when you don't really care, when all you're looking for is a mainstream Catholic Mass. It's when you want to find a nice, lovely, beautiful, traditional, orthodox Mass that you run into problems. At least, in my experience, in Colorado Springs. I think I could find it in Denver. I know I could. If I lived anywhere near DC, I'm sure it wouldn't be difficult. I've heard of some lovely places in Michigan. And Minnesota. But Colorado Springs? Not exactly a bastion of Catholicism. It's sad. I'm sad. This is my last chance, as far as I know, to get an Easter liturgy that really speaks to me, that moves me nearly to tears. (And, sadly, yet again I'm finding myself probably having to go to Good Friday service and the Easter Vigil alone. Regular Masses alone aren't a big deal for me. But these? I wish I had someone to go with. Especially since I have to go so early to get a seat, and then I'm just sitting there for an hour and a half while people get to sit with friends and family. But sadly most people I know prefer to leave Easter Mass to Sunday. The Vigil is too long for them. It's like the best two and a half hours of my life, though.) And yes, I dislike the fact that I feel this way because it's Easter, it's the Triduum no matter where I go. That's what matters, really. But...I just hate that I'm leaving this church. I love this place. I've grown so much spiritually over the last four years, much of it because of the Basilica. And I don't want to leave that or lose it.

I'm loving this (this is my St. Patrick's Day -- everyone else on campus looks forward to that day with great anticipation, and goes crazy. I look forward to this, and go crazy but in a different way. And by that I mean I spend lots of time at church...which is really where I love to be). I really am. I just can't help but think about where I'll be in a year, and how I'll be celebrating then. (And will there even be incense? I miss incense when I'm home. I go to church here and come back with my hair smelling of it, my clothes, everything. It's better than any perfume I could buy. They know how to do incense right here. After the Mass today the whole church had a bit of a smoky tint to it. I love it.)

Sorry. I'm done now. Have a...contemplative? Good Friday, everyone.

In case I didn't make it clear...

My dad is pretty much fantastic. He probably doesn't get as much love on here as my mom, for the simple fact that I talk to my mom a lot more often, my mom and I are pretty close (the whole mother/daughter thing, and I'm just more comfortable talking to her about some things, etc, even if she does just go tell my dad later anyway. I don't know that she does, but it wouldn't surprise or bother me). Sometimes my dad might get on my nerves, but everyone does. I'm sure I get on his, too. But the simple fact is he's awesome. We're by no means rich, but he entertains no thoughts of kicking me out, leaving me to fend for myself come graduation. He's been more than helpful with the cost of going to this wonderful school (of course, he encouraged that -- he offered to pitch in more money if I went here than he would have had I gone elsewhere), and is helping with some loans for which I'll have to pay him back eventually. And while I do plan on bothering him, nicely and subtly (maybe), to let me get a puppy once I get back, if he absolutely puts his foot down I guess I'll be ok with letting it rest. For awhile. Because I don't want to be more of a burden than I am. And he's pretty great, so I'd rather not alienate myself from him. And, like I said in that other post (and dude, I did not realize how long it really is! Man. I suck), while talking to him last night he made me feel better about my GPA situation. Sometimes I wish I had done better in college for the simple fact that I want my parents to be able to brag and feel proud, but I know that they're proud enough of me. He also told me not to freak out about my current jobless situation. I really do appreciate that. It's hard, if you don't have an in somewhere, to do a really good job search when you're nowhere near the city in which you're searching. (Not to mention the fact that most places I'm looking don't really want to wait two months to fill current open positions. Slight problem.)

Anyway. My dad. He's really just a wonderful father, and I'm lucky to have him. (And he loves my mom. And what kid doesn't want that in a father? Hehe.) Thanks, Dad.

I'm certainly not prone to succinctness...

So, I have about five posts I've started and then didn't feel like finishing. Obviously none are very interesting. There's one discussing the fact that I didn't realize when I had made my 1000th post on this thing (happened back in January), one about...I don't even know. Definitely one I started last night complaining about loans, and how I'm going to be paying them off forever (but my dad did make me feel a bit better about that last night...and he made me feel better about my GPA, and what I have to get this semester to keep a 3.5, and in his wonderfulness he made me feel not at all like a loser/slacker about my lack of a job or the fact that I'll be moving home in two months. In fact, he said that when I leave, it'll be because I can't stand it anymore, not because they kick me out. My parents like me. :-) Of course, then I said he might kick me out when I get a puppy against his wishes. But I think I'll be able to wear him down on that issue sooner or later...I hope...). Just didn't feel like hitting publish on that one.

Actually, the more I think about it, the more I realize that lately I've been wanting to blog, but then I get here and just...don't feel like doing it. Like now. Hm. Maybe I'm getting sick of it. So here's a bulleted list of what's running around in my head. (Who am I kidding. I'm incapable of doing simply bullets. So nevermind.)

I went to Mass tonight (and yay for me, I've gone every day this week, so at least I can feel good about that). Confession lines have been longer this week. It's a good thing. Normally there'll be a few people there before the 5:15 Mass (there are confessions every day in the Basilica starting a half hour before the 11:30 daily Mass, the 5:15 Mass, and at 7pm), but they'll all have gotten through by the time Mass starts, usually. This week, though, people have been standing there waiting the entirety of Mass. I mean, the line moves, but yeah. I don't know if it's technically liturgically licit to have confessions going on during Mass (I don't really understand why it wouldn't be, but I've heard something about how it's not supposed to happen...I don't know. I think that as long as there is a need for it, and clearly this week for sure there is, it shouldn't matter, but maybe there's something I'm not aware of. What do I know, though), but yeah. Good stuff.

Oh so I couldn't go to confession before Mass today because I had to work until 5, so I went to Mass, went to dinner, and then went to the 7pm confession time. There weren't that many people there when I got there (right around 7), I think three or four in front of me, with priests in both confessional boxes on the left side of the church. But then I guess lots more showed up that I didn't notice (I mean, I noticed a few people right behind me, but then the line bent around the corner so I couldn't see that far back. And I didn't try, either, because that's weird). But when I got out of confession, they had just added a priest I guess in one of the boxes on the right side of the church, and a bunch of people were going over to that side. The RCIA people were doing some sort of rehearsal, so at first I thought that the people going from the left to right side of the church were them, because there were a fair number, but then I realized it was people waiting for confession. It was a pretty big number, as far as a regular confession time goes. Probably because today's the last day it's available...they might have the regular 11am time tomorrow, but I don't think there's confession before the Holy Thursday Mass (I could be wrong), and everyone wants to get in before the Triduum. Can't blame 'em, it's a good time to go. So that was sort of nice to see (although, I'm sure I would have felt differently had I been in the back of that line...). Confession is good. Very underrated. Under appreciated. It's such a good thing, really. Anyway. Not to pressure anyone. I definitely recommend it, though. Not easy, but worth it.

Oh and last night I did the campus wide stations. I was worried during the day that it was going to get canceled, or moved inside (it was supposed to start at 7, but if they moved it inside due to weather, it wouldn't start until 8 or 8:30 because, obviously, much less distance to cover between stations...). I didn't want to go if it was inside, because...I don't really know why. But yeah. It was misty all day, but it had cleared up to being just cloudy, mostly, by the time it started. I almost half-wished it was canceled, because I had gotten thinking that it would be and then the idea of staying in last night just sounded so nice, much nicer than going to do stations of the cross...I almost didn't even want to go down to the Grotto to see if they were doing it. But I did, and they were, and as soon as I got to the stairs at the Grotto and saw everyone with their candles waiting for it to start, I was happy and glad it was going on and that I had gone. Of course. That's always how things are with me. I get myself thinking of all the nicer relaxing things I could be doing instead of this other thing, and talk myself out of wanting to do them, and then when I do fight it and go do the other thing, I end up being really glad I did. It's never good when I talk myself out of things.

Anyway. So I did that. It wasn't terribly cold when I left my room, maybe mid-30s or so, but I definitely didn't dress very well. It would have been fine if I had just been walking to class or something, just being outside for a little while, but for being outside over two hours, while the sun's going down and then is down, and it's damp outside...didn't work too well. I was very cold. And I hadn't thought about the hand situation -- that I'd be holding a candle and the program thing with the song we sang between each station, and thus my hands couldn't be in my pocket or anything. My fingers were more frozen than they've been in a very long time by the end. I hadn't even thought about the fact that I might need gloves. (The 14th station was inside the Basilica, and at one point they asked us to stand up and -- ugh -- "join hands" for the Our Father, and I felt so bad for the two people on either side of me. I knew neither, and my hands were still very cold. Theirs were at least warmer than mine, so I benefited from it because their warmth helped my hands really defrost. But it probably wasn't too pleasant for them.) But anyway. It was quite lovely, and I was very glad that I got to experience it one more time, and that I had made myself go. Good stuff. See, we're not all bad here at Notre Dame. We do have some good, nice, liturgical stuff going on.

What else...ah yes. I made a new playlist tonight on my Windows Media. After I got back from confession (around 7:30) I stopped in a friend's room. Ended up talking to her until almost 10. I got back to my room and turned on the TV, because for some reason that's what I do. My Big Fat Greek Wedding is on, which is an enjoyable movie, but after like ten minutes I realized that I just didn't want to watch TV, and didn't know why I was. And I thought how nice it'd be to listen to Josh Groban. So I was just going to listen to him, but thought I could add a little variety. So my playlist. It's all the Josh Groban music I have (minus, sadly, his Christmas album. But I just can't do that), plus the one Andrea Bocelli CD I have, plus the two Celtic Women CDs I have (and I discovered that apparently I never burned their Christmas CD onto my laptop. Weird), and also my two Norah Jones CDs. So, in other words, it's pretty much like the best playlist ever. I would have added my Enya music if some of it weren't all scratchy and messed up. I considered putting Michael Buble on there, but he's too bouncy in a lot of songs to fit into this playlist very well. So. That's my excitement of tonight. Sad? Maybe. But I'm ok with it.

I'm trying to decide if I should go to my second class tomorrow...I have one at two that I'm going to (reluctantly, but I don't have a good reason not to...), and then one that goes from 3:30-4:45. Holy Thursday Mass starts at 5. And if you want a seat, it's necessary to get there somewhat early. So I sent my prof an email to ask him if he'd maybe let us out early, and he replied that he's going to aim for 4:30. Which, ok, that might be enough time...but I don't know. I'd prefer to get there at like 4 or 4:15. But I also don't want to miss anything important he might be telling us tomorrow...sigh. There's a number of people in that class who are in the folk choir, which is the choir that's singing tomorrow's Mass so apparently they have to be at the Basilica (or wherever) at four. So if they go at all, they're not staying very long. And I bet a lot of people won't be there because they left early, etc, for break. I just wonder if it'll be worth it. Seems more logical if he'd just cancel tomorrow. Sigh. I don't know. Oh well. I'll just figure it out tomorrow I guess.

(Speaking of school: Next week I have a 4-5 pager due in my philo class on Wednesday, a...I'll say I'm aiming for 9 page rough draft of my research paper in history due on Thurs (he agreed to move it to Thurs because Tues is the day we get back from break and stuff), and then I found out today that for the remainder of the semester, I'm going to be having to do reaction papers for all the readings I do for directed readings. It's only like four or five more sessions, but yeah. Just a bit of added fun. And he told me today exactly what he wants in those reaction papers -- 3-4 pages, not bad really -- and what he wants isn't exactly what I did with the one paper I did for our last session. Which had to be canceled and rescheduled for next Friday. So for next Friday I have to fix that one and do the next one (plus read the next reading). So...bleh. But I guess I can't complain too much, really. I just like to. It's just a lot of writing next week, and that history paper is really freaking me out. I was talking to people in class yesterday, and I think most of us are feeling the same thing: This one website he wants us to use as our primary source, which has lots of interviews and such compiled from 1936-40, it's making it hard to get a good thesis or argument, especially one that'll lend itself to a 10-12 page final paper. I'm glad I'm not the only one having these issues. I just wish he would change it so we wouldn't be so stuck to that one website. Sigh. Grr. Whatever.)

Interesting. So you know prenups, and how they're not exactly looked upon favorably in the Church? Apparently there's something of a possible exception in the case of remarriage upon the death of a first spouse, in the interest of protecting assets (or whatever) of children from that first marriage. By the way, no-fault divorces are ridiculous. It seems crazy that they exist. Divorce sucks, and it sucks that it's become so commonplace. (But then, a lot of things that have become commonplace pretty much suck in my mind, so yeah.)

So, thinking about applying for jobs and such...I hate thinking about it. I know no one likes the application process, but I sort of think I might have almost a phobia of the whole thing. Comes from years of being continually rejected almost every time I apply for almost anything. I suppose it could, at this point at least, be partially a self-fulfilling prophecy (I don't feel at all confident when I do an application, and somehow that's obvious and comes across to the potential employer, and then they don't want me, etc), but it's bad. Last summer definitely didn't help. I think it's part of the reason I didn't apply to grad school. I just never think I'm good enough to get accepted, to get hired, etc, so what's the point? (Now's the time for that lovely cliche, you miss 100% of the chances you don't take.) I don't know what it is. But it seriously freaks me out. I wish I had more confidence. Or reason to feel confident. I don't really know at what point every ounce of self-confidence left me (or if I had any to begin with), but I know that I really have a very low supply of self-confidence. In almost any situation. I really wish it were different, but it's sort of hard to say to yourself "Ok, I'm just going to be confident" and then...have confidence. I guess it's possible, but I haven't had much luck up to now. Doesn't help that I get rejected by things a lot...and even more often in my head...

Sigh.

Ok. Well this is long. Obviously longer than I had intended it. I don't know why I ever "intend" short posts, because that never seems to happen...hm. Oh well. You all choose to read this, so it's your own fault if you've kept up to this point in the post.

(And speaking of posts in progress, I'm on my way to writing a semi-serious one. About God and stuff. Maybe. I might start writing it and decide it's just not working, or it might. We'll just have to wait and see. So if you don't see it in the next week or so...it's probably not coming. Haha. Not that anyone cares. What I have to say isn't really all that interesting. Never is.)

Oh...right.

So, being from dry sunny Colorado, I seem to have forgotten that along with warmer temperatures out here in Indiana comes higher humidity. Today perhaps is something of an exception, considering it's been misty and such all day, but still, the humidity is 89% right now. With temps in the mid-40s, which is nice enough (but somehow ruined by the rest of the weather...Yes, I am complaining about clouds. Hard to believe, I know). It's just irritating to get inside a building and immediately feel the need to strip down. I walk quickly enough that I get a nice breeze going while I'm moving, but once I stop, I get really hot. And sweaty. It happens, ok?

Oh well. At least I know that I have Colorado, where "high humidity" is 30%. (At least, in my head.)

Teacher's pet? No. Employer's pet? Maybe.

So, um...dang I forgot what I was going to say now. I hate it when that happens. Man seriously, this is going to bother me...Ah! I remember!

I had work tonight, right? I work at the Huddle, which employs students who need spending money and local people who...can't get work elsewhere? Have made terrible life decisions? Not sure. But it's mostly students doing the register during normal hours of the day. And the students are managed by student managers who range from sophomores to seniors. There are regular managers who are the main managers, obviously, but for the most part we students deal with the student managers when there are problems or questions, etc. The point is that it's not exactly a professional establishment, I guess. Stakes are low. Not a lot of motivation to work hard or well. We aren't supposed to be sitting there doing homework or anything, or having friends come up and talk to us for half our shifts. I guess they (the managers) want to give the illusion that we care about our jobs. And for the most part, I do want to do well. I like to follow rules, even when they suck. I don't like to buck the trend, or go against what I'm supposed to be doing. So I get a little annoyed when I'm sitting there working on one side of the registers, and the person on the other side has a friend there talking to him most of the overlapping hour when we're both working. Because you know what that does? It causes people to come to my side, end up having to wait because no one's going over to the other side because the other side has a guy talking to his friend. So I have to work harder while he's sitting there chatting.

Now, it's not a pleasant job. Sometime it's mind-numbingly boring and unbelievably long (even though it's only two hours per shift. Sometimes those two hours go by verrrrry slooowwwwwly). But I still want to be a good, pleasant cashier to the people who come in and buy stuff. Although I'll admit, I lose a little of that desire when someone comes up to me talking on the phone, basically ignoring my existence. Or when there's two people about to get to my register who start getting into an almost yelling match. Um, sort of awkward. (That happened for the first time tonight. And the girl -- it was a girl and a guy -- was getting some wall candy, which is candy you scoop out from different containers and put in a little bag to get weighed, and she was eating some of it in front of me. I hadn't weighed the bag yet. Basically, eating the candy before it's weighed amounts to stealing. It's not like it's much or anything, but still. Come on. Don't do it right in front of me. The Huddle might be ridiculously overpriced, but they still need to make money too.) I don't know. I like to do a good job with places I'm working. I tried doing my best at Wilsons even though I hated it, and am by far not a very good salesperson. I want to please people. So I just don't get it when people are unnecessarily lazy at their jobs, or just don't even try to do well. (I do have to say that doing homework during a shift when there's a big test tomorrow or something is slightly different. If I'm working with someone in that situation, I don't mind taking more people at my register. We are just students, after all, primarily.)

I'm not quite sure of the point of this post. The funny thing is, while I may want to try to do well a jobs where I work, that somehow doesn't seem to carry over to school...I wonder why that is. Maybe I want to please others more than I want to please myself? And school is basically a selfish (not in a bad way) endeavor? I don't know.

Speaking of school though, lots of reading to do tonight. Best get to it.

The one cable channel I don't have here. (A lie. There are many I don't have.)

I don't often wish I had HBO (in fact, I'm pretty sure I've never wished it). But there is one reason I wish right now I had it. The John Adams miniseries. As an amateur history dork, I really want to see this. Plus thanks to my lovely parents instilling in me a love of the movie 1776 at an early age (we've been watching it on July 4th for years and years now), I really have a soft spot in my heart for John and Abigail Adams. And I do love me some Revolutionary War time period. Alas, I'll just have to wait until it comes out on video. Except I guess things don't come out on video anymore, do they? Point still stands. I just read some discussion about it in the NDNation backroom, and it seems that so far it's done quite well. I do enjoy Paul Giamatti, although I think the only thing I've ever seen with him in it is Cinderella Man, but I really liked him in it. (Oh, he was also in The Truman Show, as one of the control room dudes, and apparently he was in Saving Private Ryan in some role, and a bellman in My Best Friend's Wedding, but those probably don't really count.) And I like Laura Linney too (hey she was in The Truman Show too! Wow!). To be fair, I'll have a hard time ever seeing John Adams and Abigail Adams portrayed by anyone other than those who played them in 1776, but I'm willing to give this a chance.

Oh yeah

I'd also like to go to a Rockies game this summer. Even just the cheap seats. I'm obviously not exactly a Rockies fan or anything (and believe me, I've gotten comments about it here from people who are from Colorado and see me wearing my Red Sox hat at work), but it'd still be fun to go to a game some time. Since I'm not likely to go to a Red Sox game any time soon. Sadly. But baseball is baseball, and if I can't go see my team, I might as well go see the home team, right? (I'd also like to go to a Broncos game, but the chances of that are somewhat significantly less, since I'm pretty sure there are no real cheap seats for NFL games. I could be wrong, but yeah.)

Anyway.

Is there anything Wikipedia doesn't know?

I just learned that KitKats are sold by the Nestle company everywhere in the world except for the US. Something about an agreement that the original production company of KitKats made with the Hershey company or something back in the 60s or so. I'm not sure. But yeah, so they're different. And apparently there's a noticeable taste difference between the two. I wonder what the Nestle version tastes like. I quite enjoy KitKats and often forget about them, what with the glamor that caramel adds to a candy bar and all, but man they're good. Maybe someday I can try a non-US version one. Hm.

So, I'm a little annoyed with my history class right now. It's interesting, and I like the subject (why else would I be voluntarily taking a history class my senior year when I didn't need it?), but the workload is a bit ridiculous. Perhaps I think this because I'm a second semester senior, and a lazy one at that (there's a reason they call it the Lazy Susan, people -- hey, interesting fact, did you know that Lazy Susans used to be known as dumbwaiters? Now dumbwaiters have a different connotation. Oh Wikipedia, what'd we ever do without you? The point is, I'm essentially a dumbwaiter), but I'm pretty sure that every other single person in that class agrees with me on the workload. It's a ridiculous amount of reading. Sometimes nearly 200 pages for a single class period. Nuh-uh. No one's going to be reading that. (And if they do, boy oh boy do I not want to talk to them.) Next week, Tuesday, the day we get back from Easter break, we're supposed to turn in a rough draft of the 10-12 page research paper that's our main thing for the semester (and, sadly, includes a presentation. ugggggghhhhhh). And it's a rough draft that's supposed to be within one or two pages of the 10-12 requirement. (And Easter Break, for me, is going to include crazy amounts spent in the Basilica including wait times before Masses and such -- possibly three or four or more on Thursday, maybe three on Friday, and like ten on Saturday. Ok maybe not quite that much. But lots on Saturday. And possibly more on Sunday, just to round out the weekend. But it's not just a weekend to be lazy.) And this paper thing isn't going well for me so far. We're supposed to use this one particular website that has all these interviews and stuff that were conducted and collected from 1936-1940. The search engine to look for specific things in them is just frustrating beyond frustrating. The whole thing is, really. Sigh. Whatever. It doesn't even matter. (But man, even going for 8 pages is going to be rough. It sucks. It'd be so much easier to do if I didn't have to rely so heavily on sources from that stupid website we need to use.)

Whatever. Anyway. This summer, I really want to take advantage of Colorado. I want to go hiking more. I want to go camping more, maybe, although that's more involved. I want to visit things. Who knows if I'll actually do this stuff (it helps to have people who will go with me), but you know, yeah. I'm hoping I can find me a job with a regular schedule (Mon-Fri would be preferable, obviously) to make it more possible to do things on the weekends, but at this point I'm not hoping for much beyond retail to start out. Oh how I hate retail and their crappy random scheduling. But beggars can't be choosers. (Oh, and I was looking at jobs at the zoo, just for fun because I think it could be fun to work there, but most of the jobs pay like $7 or 8 an hour. Just wouldn't be worth it with the gas I'd use driving to and from. Sad. All the cool places like that are nowhere near my house. Garden of the Gods, Seven Falls, etc. Stupid east side of town with nothing but ugly new developments and shopping centers as far as the eye can see.)

Anyway. Thus starts Holy Week. I'm not eating sweets or anything like that this week, hopefully, if I have any self control (which I don't. But I'm working on it). I'm going to Mass every day this week (I was supposed to be doing this all during Lent, but I pretty much suck. Really, really suck. I'm such a weak person. Sigh. But this week, I'm going to make it. And I want to go to confession sometime this week as well, preferably not on Tuesday during the reconciliation thing they're having after the campus-wide Stations that they're doing (which I'm going to, because it's awesome, and hopefully the weather's nice so we don't have to do it inside. It's so cool, seriously), because when I go to reconciliation services like that, I end up having to wait in long, or just slow, lines. Gives me more things to confess, which I guess is good, but I'd rather not have to deal with that so I need to try to go one of the regular times. Although I'm sure no matter when I do it the lines are going to be longer this week. (And don't get me wrong, it's a great thing when lines are long because it means more people are going, and it's important to go. I just don't do so well with waiting in lines. Especially for something like reconciliation where I'm both dreading and looking forward to it at the same time. I really do like going though. It's a great, amazing thing.) And then comes Thursday and the lovely Triduum. ND does Holy Week like it's nobody's business. Granted, my only other basis for comparison is Holy Apostles, and it's no secret how I feel about Holy Apostles. But I don't think that I'm going to find anything back home that's quite as beautiful and reverent and wonderful as the Triduum services here. Sigh. I'm going to miss that almost more than most things, I think. Oh well. Jesus rises no matter where I go for Easter, and that's what matters.

And now, time to go.

St. Patricks Day

Monday is St. Patrick's Day. (I guess it's all sort of confused with the is it moving, is it not, because of Holy Week and whatnot. But yeah.) So this weekend is the celebrate St. Patrick's Day weekend. I've never really understood what's so great about today. And this is the second time that it's happened here not during Spring Break (freshman year we were also here whenever it was). And people go crazy here. Irish and all, you know. I just...I just don't get it. All people use it as is an excuse to go drink beer for ridiculous numbers of hours. Starting ridiculously early in the morning. I just don't get it. Perhaps I'm missing some essential college, fun, drink beer gene. Actually I know I am. But...

I just don't get it.

But that's ok. I'll enjoy other people enjoying it. Until they get drunk and bother me. I don't like being bothered by drunk people, usually. I guess it depends on the person, the level of drunkenness, and my mood at the time...

But happy St. Patrick's Day, this weekend, or Monday, or whenever, whatever other people are doing. I'm not against it. I just don't get the whole...drinking green beer and going all drinking crazy and such in honor of the day. But I don't typically much understand the point of drinking a lot at once (or even more over a prolonged period of time) anyway.

What? Summer already? Oh, no, that's just my room.

It's currently more than 40 degrees hotter in my room than it is outside. This wouldn't be a big deal if it were, say, 20 degrees or less outside. But it's 38. Which means it's at or around 80 degrees in my room.

And Susie doesn't like that.

Remember last semester when I woke up to my room melting? I hope that doesn't come back. It's so hard to get my room to cool off once it gets hot. And it gets hot easily when it's starting to get warmer outside and I'm forced to keep my window closed during the day. (Apparently having it open in the evening through the night doesn't do much.) And, oh yeah, I'm on the fourth floor. Heat rises. All that good stuff.

Sigh.

At least it feels good outside, right? And now I have a weekend free from all that stuff going on outside my window. (I hope. I don't think they'd work on the dorm during the weekends...)

Cranky

I'm not going to be much fun today. For anyone. I had a really tough time getting to sleep last night for various reasons, and then this morning (when, for once on a Friday, I could actually sleep in past 10 because my directed readings prof is out of town today), I got woken up at 10ish by the fire alarm. And here's the really irritating thing: It's the second day in a row that this has happened. I was woken up yesterday around 10 also by the fire alarm. It was slightly less annoying yesterday because it was the first time (not including the scheduled fire drill we had the night before that), and I was going to be waking up from my alarm in 20 or 30 minutes anyway, and I ended up working out too. But today? Really annoying. I still had a good hour and a half before my alarm was going to go off. And like I said, I had trouble getting to sleep last night so I could have used that hour and a half. (And I couldn't fall asleep again either once we got back in. I did manage to snooze for a little while after like 11, until like 11:30 or so, but it wasn't really meaningful.)

And the reason the alarm has apparently been going off? Because of the cleaning they're doing outside. Which also woke me up this morning, but I was able to fall asleep again because it wasn't that bad. I guess dust from what they're doing is getting inside and setting off the alarms. Doesn't make much sense to me, but dorm alarms are pretty much the most ridiculously sensitive things in the world. Argh. Oh, and also? The thermometer thing in my room is continually inching toward 86 degrees. Because I can't have my window open, since they're doing stuff outside. And if the window is open, dust will get in. Etc. So not only does it cause the fire alarm going off, but then I wake up in a boiling room. Sigh.

Susie's cranky today.

Mmm Rudy

So I took my own advice (to me...) and have been listening to my music tonight. It's been lovely. Typically, when I can't decide what I want to listen to, I just put it on random and it uses all my music (around 7.5 gigs). For the most part this works well, and only occasionally does it land on a song I don't particularly care for. The only flaw in the plan is that I do find myself having to hit the next button more frequently than I'd wish because I have a good amount of Christmas music on my computer. And...yeah...not exactly in the Christmas mood 10.5 months out of the year. But then the randomocity is totally justified and forgiven when it lands on any song from the Rudy soundtrack. Along with any other number of awesome songs or CDs that I love. (A Rudy one just came on though, which prompted this post. Because, yeah, awesome.)

Here comes the sun!

Ok. Let me start by saying that I'm well aware that I frequently bemoan the fact that it's never cloudy and snowy and cold enough to suit me. In the winter. And the fall. And sometimes other seasons. I love snow. It's great. But every year, there comes a day when it starts to get spring-like. Birds start to come out. It starts getting sunny. It even becomes mostly warm enough to abandon my huge marshmallow-like winter coat. And then a switch goes off, and suddenly it can't get to be spring quickly enough. And today, I hit that point. I think I was getting close to it before break, hoping that it would be warm when I was home in Colorado (and then I got that one delicious day with temps in the 70s, which was oh-so-wonderful). But I was still game for a good snowfall or two. Now, though, it's come to be a time when I really don't think we're going to get any more good snowfalls. I'm sure it'll snow again before all is said and done, because this is South Bend after all, and especially because I no longer want it to, really. (And plus, if it does, it won't be a good one. It'll be something that's more slushy than anything. And that's just no good.)

Last year, it snowed over Easter break. And Easter was later than it is this year (not that it could really be any earlier). It wasn't cool. Especially because it was a point when things were starting to bloom, everyone was looking forward to the pretty flowers and trees and all that, and then we got a nice frost that killed everything. It was so depressing. Two years ago, Easter was pretty late. And it was one of the nicest weekends here that I can remember, in that it was a break, the weather was lovely, and everything was blooming gorgeously. (Oh, and it was Easter and the first Easter I spent away from my family and church back home, and I found out how amazing an Easter Triduum can really be.) Bethany, Julie, and I ventured around the lakes and such and took tons of pictures of all of it. Some of my favorite pictures from here. Well, to an extent. But yeah. So last Easter was a slight disappointment, weather-wise. Not cool. I'm hoping for better luck this year (although it'll still be too early for blooming things, but whatever). So far, the ten-day forecast that's up has no days below 40. And that. is. AWESOME. Today seemed almost hot. And it was like...45. But man. Great. Tomorrow's high is 50. I was so happy walking outside today. Just a t-shirt and a zip-up hoodie. Everyone was loving it. The birds were singing and looked happy. The squirrels were playing. I even saw a rabbit after dinner! I haven't seen any around in awhile. He was happy too, I'm sure. (And I'm sure all of this springy-ness is accentuated by the fact that we now have an extra hour of daylight at the end of the day. So it just seems logical that it should start to feel more like spring now.) Today was just a day where it's like, I couldn't be anything but happy. No matter what else was going on, I was just wonderfully satisfied about life. It's almost spring! Isn't that great?

(Of course, I couldn't enjoy the weather with my blinds and window open because they're cleaning the outside of the building, and doing my side right now, which means I have to keep my window shut or else stuff might get in it, and keep the blind shut if I don't want creepy guys staring into my room. Not that there's a whole lot to see from where the window is...but still. It'd be weird. But that's ok. They'll finish sooner or later, and I can open my window and stuff when they finish in the afternoon -- and boy did I!)

Mmm. No more cold. No more stupid huge winter coat. Just straight on to sunny and 70s! (Yeah, I know, it won't happen that nicely. But whatever. It'll get here eventually.)


(Oh and unrelated: Pictures are up on my picasaweb site that I linked to yesterday. In that huuuuuge post. It's at the end, if you didn't read it and don't feel like it. For which I can't blame you. I ramble. In case you didn't notice. I'll stop now.)

Here and there. Or this and that.

I'm in the mood for a nice long post with lots of random topics. (Which means, of course, that I probably won't be able to remember anything I was planning on writing about...)

So, remember this post? It's ok, you don't have to go look at it, the only thing from it that pertains to what I'm about to talk about is the first paragraph. Where I discuss Cavanaugh's impending makeover. At that point, the schedule had said they were going to start last Monday. Over spring break. And they're starting with my side of the building. So I was excited, because that meant that instead of two weeks of dealing with having guys hanging outside of my window, making all sorts of noise and dust and such, I only had to deal with one week of it. But I knew when I got back on Saturday that they hadn't started. And they still haven't. I guess they're starting tomorrow. So, I figured it'd happen that way (I'm not lucky enough for good things like that to happen to me), but it's a tad annoying. Sigh. Oh well. Maybe it won't be as bad as I'm envisioning. But I'm sure it will be. Life, I guess.

Let's see, what else was there...Oh yeah, so apparently Jenkins finally officially approved the Vagina Monologues. So that's great. Except not. I really hate the perception people in the outside world have of Notre Dame because of things like this. I mean, sure, we're no Steubenville, but personally I'm glad about that. (I've sort of turned Steubenville in my mind into some sort of...much more evangelical, loud type Catholic place. Not exactly my kind of thing. And to me Notre Dame is much more traditional, quiet, old-school. I've never been to Steubenville, so I really have no idea, but whatever. Give me ND any day.) I hate that in the non-ND Catholic world people look down terribly on Notre Dame. I can understand why, and for that reason I hate that Jenkins approved such a terrible (both in message and performance-wise, or whatever you want to call it) piece of "art". Not art, but...eh my mind's blanking. Whatever. You know what I mean (I hope). My point is, it really really has absolutely no place on this campus. It really just shouldn't be here, and I can't for the life of me understand why it is. There are some things about the way this university is run that I really disagree with. But I still love it. Sigh. I wish they would realize that getting back to a truly Catholic centralization would be so good for the school. But I guess it might -- horrors! -- cause perhaps a dip in its rankings. Which, as we know, is the source and summit of what we should all strive for. I mean, I know I picked ND because of its ranking. (I have no idea what its ranking is, to be honest. Although I did learn today that it's ranked number 13 or something in a list of universities for Latino students. So...that's...cool.) Anyway.

It's so weird for me to hear people (Catholics) have negative views of ND, because for me it's been so important in the development of my own faith. A faith which, I would argue, is much deeper than it was before I came here. But I guess it all just depends. And I know that I have the view I do because I am here, in the fold of the school, and its image to people who aren't and who are Catholic isn't necessarily the best. But anyway. I don't even know what my point is. Long story short: Jenkins, stop approving the stupid Monologues. They really do nothing for promoting women or whatever its point is. Seriously. And they have no place on a Catholic campus that wants to be truly Catholic.

My friend Gail today told me while we were waiting for our CS Lewis class to start that there was some sort of informal meeting for Catholic Charities, talking about what they do and about entry level positions, in the business building. So I went with her because, hey, why not. I have no idea what I'm doing when I graduate. Might as well check out as many options as possible, right? Plus, free pizza. Anyway. I've decided that at this point there are two sharply divided groups of seniors: Those who are mostly business majors or engineers, who have had job offers and plans since last semester if not sooner and probably won't even have to start those until later in the summer or September; and then those who have absolutely no idea, no prospects, and definitely not options to wait until September to start working, because those in this group won't be having jobs that pay the big bucks, most likely. Obviously I'm in the latter group, and have a number of friends and acquaintances in the former. But I'm realizing that there are more and more than I thought who are right there with me. And it's sort of comforting, knowing we'll all be unemployed and living in boxes together. So. Yeah, nothing too interesting here. I'm just not freaking out. (Maybe I should be, I don't know.) I mean, at this point, most anything I'd be looking at probably isn't looking to wait two months for me. Things I see that are hiring now would prefer someone now. So...yeah. Eh. I'm prepared to have to work retail again for awhile, until something better comes along. Whatever.

So, I noticed a squirrel on the quad today. I'm sure I've seen more since I got back, but I didn't really think about it. I had thought that seeing squirrels around would make me really sad (about Kebbie), because after Colt died, for some reason even just seeing bugs and birds made me sad. (She liked to chase bugs, sometimes, once in awhile. And she loved watching birds.) But somehow, it didn't hit me as hard this time. And in general, her death hasn't been hitting me as hard as I had expected. I mean, sure, I hate that she's gone, and it's really...sad, but...I don't know. I guess I had lots and lots of time to prepare for it. And it wasn't at all unexpected. And I was there with her. I think all of it made a big difference to allow me to deal with it better than I had with other pets. So that's good I guess. Although tonight I was reading this thread on ndnation, someone lost a dog yesterday or something, and some of the responders (there's nothing like commiserating to fellow dog-lovers when your dog dies) mentioned getting a new dog. Not as a replacement, but I guess it's been helpful for many people to do that shortly after losing their dogs. Anyway, obviously I'm not currently in a position to get a new dog, and I wouldn't have a dog here with me either way. But I do want to get a new dog at some point (even though I'm not sure how I'd do, expectation-wise. Kebbie was one of a kind. 15 years for a dog is pretty darn lucky, and she really was great her whole life. Sure, she had some exasperating characteristics, like her tendency to hop the fence in that all-important chase for the squirrels, but she was beyond wonderful. So...I worry that I'd expect another dog to be just like her, or I'd be disappointed if it's not, or something. I don't know). Thinking about going to look for another dog is both sort of exciting but also sort of...almost makes me want to cry. Unexpectedly. So I don't know. Guess I don't have to think about it seriously for awhile anyway. (Although that didn't stop me from looking online at this petfinder website...bad idea. Found a couple that are just so cute. And, haha, a part of me thinks that if I were to get a slightly older dog, as in not a puppy but maybe like one or so, Mom and Dad would be more open to it...less likelihood of accidents because the dog would already be house trained. No ruining of their newish carpets. But anyway. Ah, I don't know.)

Apparently 1 in 4 teen girls has an STD. That's pathetic. I still can't get over the fact that such a high percentage of the population has premarital sex (sex outside of wedlock? Eh, whatever it is, it's not good). Maybe it's my head being in the sand or something, but geez. Sex has become such a "Oh who cares, it's not that big a deal, it's not that terrible, let 'em do it" type thing. And people are so crass. And it's like there's no filter. No sense of decorum. No "Hey I'm on national TV right now, maybe I should sort of pretend to have a sense of propriety." It's just...ugh. It's disappointing, really. Now, I will say, I love watching The Office. It makes me so happy. And sometimes there are some less than family-friendly things on there, but really, nothing terrible. And it's mostly light innuendo. But so many other shows, like pretty much any sitcom or any cable series, it seems, have things that just make me cringe. I know I'm old-fashioned. But still. Come on. I think I lost my point. Oh yeah. STDs. Pathetic. Just makes me want to sigh. (Perhaps it should make me want to do something to try to change things, but it sure does seem like a losing battle. Like trying to drain the ocean during a rainstorm using a thimble, or something.) People are going to use this to say "See? SEE? We need more sex education! Because we all know that it's impossible to get an STD when you're using protection!" Abstinence is for suckers. Anyone who thinks that people can get through their teen years and beyond without having sex is just plain wacky. We all know it's just impossible to live without sex. (Yes, obviously I'm being sarcastic.) Oh, and that Spitzer dude? Ugh. It's just...why? Eh whatever.

Every once in awhile I realize how infrequently I listen to my music. And I'm not sure why that is. I just never think to turn it on. But I really should do it more often. I have some good music. Like, I haven't listened to Enya in awhile (although sadly for some reason the CDs of her that I had and copied onto my computer somehow got copied somewhat scratched or something on a few of the songs. It's very disappointing, especially as I can't re-copy them (which wouldn't work anyway if the scratches were on the originals) because I lost them back in the Great USPS Lost my Box Tragedy of '05. Ah, well. And then there's Norah Jones. Man that first CD was great. And there's some awesome songs on the second one as well. And Josh Groban. I never listen to him enough. And I haven't listened to James Taylor in oh so long. Eva Cassidy. And then there's always the classical CDs I have. That one Yo-Yo Ma CD I have. All those movie scores. Etc. Hm. I guess the answer is I need an MP3 player. Not sure how that'd make a lick of difference, but whatever. (Don't worry, I won't be getting one anytime soon. I was just throwing it out there.) I think I don't listen to music on my computer that often because this thing runs slowly enough as it is. Yeah, partially my fault (for example, I currently have...9 tabs open on Firefox. Can't be helping), but this thing is really questionable anyway. I don't like to run too many things because it gets hot, the fan starts blowing more, and it just makes me nervous. And for some reason this is especially true when I have music playing. So, yeah. There's that.

So at the Huddle they got in all this new organic stuff recently. A lot of it Newman-brand. Cookies, chips, I don't even know what else. Tonight when I was working, these two girls were talking about it, saying "Isn't that the salad dressing brand?" Another answered that she thinks it is, and then one of them said "Wasn't he an actor or something a long time ago?" It was phrased differently, but I couldn't believe that these two girls didn't really know who Paul Newman is. I suppose he hasn't been in anything in awhile, and I guess maybe my generation knows him better for his salad dressing? (For my part, I was surprised when I found out he had a salad dressing brand, because I knew him as an actor.) It was just sort of funny. It's funny listening to other people's conversations. Especially girls. Girls are really dumb sometimes. And knowing that makes me really happy -- on that level -- that I'll be graduating soon. Sure, there will always be dumb girls around. But at least they won't be so condensed together like they seem to be in college. Sorry, I'm being mean. But, eh. Girls are annoying sometimes. It's just a fact of life. And I'm including myself in that too, don't worry.

Guess what? I'm getting pictures off my camera onto my computer! Yay! I took a number over break. About 80% are of Jason and Jimmy, and maybe 10-15% are Kebbie. So...yeah. They'll be on my picasa page when I'm done. And hopefully I'll get some up on facebook too. The interesting ones, anyway. Or at least the ones with other people (friend people) in them. Ok on second thought, everything's going too slowly tonight, so I'll just have to finish uploading them to the internet tomorrow or sometime. Sorry. (I'm sure you were all waiting on the edge of your seats.)

Anyway, boy was this long or what? Haha. I'm no good at this blogging thing. I should write posts that focus on one thing and one thing only. But if I did that, I'd end up having like eighteen posts a day. Haha. Oh well. Whatever.

So true...

The Power Of The Dog
by Rudyard Kipling

There is sorrow enough in the natural way
From men and women to fill our day;
And when we are certain of sorrow in store,
Why do we always arrange for more?
Brothers and Sisters, I bid you beware
Of giving your heart to a dog to tear.

Buy a pup and your money will buy
Love unflinching that cannot lie —
Perfect passion and worship fed
By a kick in the ribs or a pat on the head.
Nevertheless it is hardly fair
To risk your heart for a dog to tear.

When the fourteen years which Nature permits
Are closing in asthma, or tumour, or fits,
And the vet's unspoken prescription runs
To lethal chambers or loaded guns,
Then you will find — it's your own affair —
But … you've given your heart for a dog to tear.

When the body that lived at your single will,
With its whimper of welcome, is stilled (how still!);
When the spirit that answered your every mood
Is gone — wherever it goes — for good,
You will discover how much you care,
And will give your heart for the dog to tear.

We've sorrow enough in the natural way,
When it comes to burying Christian clay.
Our loves are not given, but only lent,
At compound interest of cent per cent.
Though it is not always the case, I believe,
That the longer we've kept 'em, the more do we grieve:
For, when debts are payable, right or wrong,
A short-time loan is as bad as a long —
So why in Heaven (before we are there)
Should we give our hearts to a dog to tear?

Is this it?

I have so many things I want to say right now. So, so many. But, uh, no. Even I like to keep some things personal. (Actually, I keep most things personal, believe it or not.)

Sometimes, I just really really really want to give up even trying to make it all make sense. Or to make it work. Or...I don't even know.

Happy birthday!

I always forget to make birthday posts. But today, a certain little boy I know turns three!

He's gone from this:
To this:

Happy birthday, Jason!

Big news (and other things...)

I had ice cream for breakfast this morning.

And by "this morning", I mean...around 12:30pm. And it was just a scoop. To go with my crepe. We went to this Mediterranean crepe place. It was yummy. They had other crepes too, with real food, but the only crepes I've ever had are ones with things like fruit inside and whip cream on top, and so having a crepe with real food seems odd. Even though I know it's not really. But anyway. I stuck with the sweet crepe. Good choice. Plus, they had pistachio ice cream as one of the options (I didn't know a scoop of ice cream came with the sweet crepe when I ordered. Just a very lovely bonus). During break I had mentioned to Mom that I hadn't had pistachio ice cream in a very long time and I really wanted some. So of course I had to go for that today. Mmm. That stuff is good, did you know? Well, it is.

Also, I know it's March and everyone's sick of snow and cold and all that, but I sort of really wish that South Bend was included in the area that's getting hit by 20+ inches of snow today. Blizzards are so cool (when you don't have to be out in them, I guess). Alas, it seems that all the snow is south and east of here. It was actually sunny when we got into town this afternoon. There were some flurries in Chicago last night and today, but nothing real. So yeah. Ah, well. Probably won't get another good snow this year. And who knows about next year, since I'll be back in Colorado. And as we all know, the Springs doesn't often get very big snowfalls or anything. (I guess being objective it's a good thing. Safer, etc. Whatever.)

Oh, and Daylight Savings sucks. It's pointless. And annoying. I mean, getting an extra hour in the fall is all well and good, but I'd rather not have to change my schedule either way. It was nice those two years here when we didn't change the clocks, before Indiana fell to peer pressure and decided to start doing Daylight Savings. Sort of annoying having to adjust to being on eastern time half the year and central time the other half, but I didn't have to remember to change clocks or anything. Ah, well. Maybe one of these years the rest of the country will realize that Indiana had it right (and Arizona still does have it right) and it'll be the end of that. Who knows.

Ok two more things. First, continuing a post from the other night where I was complaining about the ongoing cyst-saga, I really hope that things are resolved by the time my coverage under Dad's insurance ends (we think it's something like the end of August. And I sure hope it's that and not the minute I graduate). Because otherwise, when having to find new insurance, it'd probably be considered a pre-existing condition, and therefore possibly not covered? And that'd be a bad thing, probably, I'm thinking. Especially if it came up that I did need surgery to correct it. Heck, I'm having a hard enough time trying to get insurance to finish paying for the November hospital stay. (And by "I" I mean my dad. Obviously.) Man. I'm going to miss his insurance. It's pretty good. From what I know. (But those stupid birth control pills, argh, they cost me $20! I had gotten two free months from when I went to the doctor in January, and a prescription for a year's worth, and so I finally went and got it filled when I was home. Well, I got a month's worth at least, and it's refillable 11 more times. But yeah. It was $20. I don't like that I'm on it, and I really don't like that I'm paying $20 a month to be on it. So I'm definitely going to try not to be on it after a few months if possible. Sigh. Stupid cyst.)

Second thing: I need a new pair of shoes. I go through walking shoes like it's nobody's business. (What does that phrase even mean?) My sister mentioned over Christmas break or something that she's never worn out a pair of shoes. I don't even know how that's possible. I've always been a champ at wearing out shoes. Maybe it's because I tend toward cheaper ones, because I'm cheap. Maybe it's because I typically have one primary pair of shoes, and only supplement once in awhile (more so in the summer, obviously), and thus that one pair gets a lot of wear and tear. Who knows. All I know is, my current pair need replacing. And I'm looking on zappos.com, because they have free shipping. Which is awesome. And I currently have like eight pairs in my shopping cart. The most expensive is $50, which makes me cringe a little, but I think they're probably slightly better quality...I don't know. Anyway. It shouldn't be this hard for me to make a decision about stupid shoes. Like, color. (Black? Navy? Tan? Brown? Grey?) Or, type. (Canvas? Suede? Regular?) Do I want a white rubber-tipped Converse? Something slightly less old-school? I just have absolutely no idea. As a result, I'll sit here with a tab open to my shopping cart, and wait and wait until the ones I want aren't in stock. Or I forget about it. Or something like that. It's what I always do. With lots of things. But that doesn't make it any less annoying...

Sigh. I really need to get to bed. Because, while at the moment I could technically get eight hours of sleep before having to get up for the 10am Mass, in reality it's like seven at most. Stupid losing an hour. Sigh. Ah well. At least I'm back in my real bed tonight. For some reason, I like my bed here so much better than my bed at home. I think that's sort of weird. But it is what it is, and I like it, so I'm going to go enjoy it. Bye!

Chicago? It's pretty windy.

I'm in Chicago. I got off the last plane I'll be on for the foreseeable future this afternoon. Yay! So...that's cool. We're staying at this apartment of a girl my friends know, who graduated from ND last year. So yeah. Fun stuff. I'm not a fan of Chicago. Very crowded. Ick. Give me open spaces and no people any day. And mountains. Sometimes I forget just how much I love seeing Pikes Peak every day, in all the glorious seasons that Colorado has. Much as I might complain about the frequent sun, it really is a wonderful state. I really shouldn't/can't complain. Plus, you know, being able to drink delicious water right out of the tap? That's something you can't get just anywhere. Not to mention the gorgeous sky. And the fresh, clean air. And everything about it that doesn't include development and lots of new buildings and people and ickiness that I prefer to pretend isn't real. Anyway. Sorry, bit of a tangent there I suppose.

Um...yeah not a whole lot else to report. If this one job at a Catholic bookstore in the Springs doesn't get filled by the time I graduate, I might could possibly be considered. Wouldn't pay a great deal, but it's something, and it's full-time, and it's in a very Catholic environment. Sounds good to me. The odds it'll stay unfilled for another two months though are very slim. But hey, I can hope, can't I? (Oh yeah. Hoping doesn't tend to go well for me, does it? Hm. Oh well.) Also, I've been checking out other various places that are listed on catholicjobs.com. In other states. But only states I'd be willing to live. (There's a position open in Anchorage, Alaska that seems almost lovely. Except I'm pretty sure I'm not qualified. But how cool would it be to live in Alaska for a year or two?) I mean, the likelihood that I'd move to another state for some random job is pretty small, but you know...yeah. All I gots keepin' me at home (haha) is my family. And they'll still be there in a year or two, right? Eh. I'm sure I'll stay in Colorado. Unless something unexpected comes up that like would be wonderful. But I don't know what that unexpected something would be. So yeah. Eh whatever. It'll work out, I guess.

I'm so tired. I'm gonna...go...nap? Apparently we're going out somewhere tonight, though no one knows quite where. So...yeah. Anyway. I'm tired.

Sigh...I suppose he's right

"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket -- safe, dark, motionless, airless -- it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable."

Oh that CS Lewis. What a wise man. So even while these (and many many, many others) make me ache:(look at those toes!)

...they make me ache because they show things that brought me so much indefinable, unquantifiable happiness. Well, not things really, but you know. I wouldn't trade the aches I have now for having none of that happiness when they were here. Because, man, those were some good times. Holding my fat fat chicken. Kissing Kebbie's wonderfully fluffy head. Even having Blackie sleep with me (except when she was annoying, which was somewhat often...I wasn't as attached to her as I was to any of our other pets. It was Colt that transformed me to something of a cat person. Reluctantly. I don't know that another cat will ever live up to her fatness and wonderfulness). Man. I miss them. But at least I have something to miss, right? (But man. All I want to do right now is pick up Colt and all her lovely blubber and just hold her and squeeze her like I used to. It's not fair. I only got her for six years. So much not long enough.) And man, I miss that dog's face so much already. With Colt, it's been so long since I last saw her. With Kebbie, I don't think it's completely set in yet. I don't know.

Ok, I'm sorry. You're all going to be completely sick of pet-posts soon enough. Eventually they'll stop, I'm sure. Or at least slow. But this is my outlet, and that's all there is to it. Oh, and CS Lewis was a smart, smart man.

For the record

Cysts suck. I'm semi-concerned that my summer break may or may not start with some sort of surgery, even if possibly a semi-non invasive one (like a laparoscopy). I've been feeling it a bit yesterday and today. Not bad, really, but I can feel it. I mean, I've only been taking the pills for a bit over a month now, so maybe it takes longer. But I've had the thing since November. It just seems excessively long to be sticking around. Whatever. I have another appointment at the end of April, and I guess we'll see where things are at that point. How exciting. But if they do decide they think I need some sort of surgical intervention, it wouldn't make sense to do it until I got home. (Unless I wanted to do it during Senior Week, the week after finals and before graduation when everyone else but the seniors are gone, and the week is filled with lots of fun things. So obviously I wouldn't want to do it then. So yeah.) Anyway. Honestly, though, I wouldn't terribly mind having to have some sort of surgical intervention if it meant it'd go away, and I could stop taking the pill (ugh. I hate hate hate being on it), and I'd be done with this fun adventure of the past few months. I guess there's no guarantees it wouldn't come back, but...eh. I can always hope, right?

Sigh. (And I'm fully aware it could be tons worse than it is. It's really not that terrible, for all the whining I do. My friend Katherine has had a much more horrible situation, since fall break, even though our problems sort of started out similarly. Poor Katherine. Really sucks for her.)

Anyway. I don't have much else interesting to discuss, and I've been feeling my stupid cyst today, so I felt like a post about it would be appropriate. So...yeah. What a thrilling life I lead, no?

Hey, Eeyore is cool, ok?

Lately I've been thinking about personality types. Well, sometimes I think about it a lot. Anyway though. It seems that it's been coming up in things I've been reading online lately. And it seems that the Internet tends to attract more introverts than extroverts. Perhaps that's not true. But I know for me a blog is so much easier than actually conversing with people. (People? Ew! The horror!) I'm sure that's a shortcoming I have, but that's just the way it is. I am a tried and true introvert. (And I'm pretty sure I've linked to that article before. But it's still true. Including and especially that last part.) Every time I take one of those Myers-Briggs tests, I'm so far introverted that there's no way I could ever be anything else. Apparently I'm an ISTJ, although I'm not sure exactly how much the rest of those fit with my personality. I'm the most extreme with the I, not so extreme with the T. I don't think that I'd consider myself greatly dependable, but whatever. (Although, with the exception of that punctuality thing, this does sound pretty similar to me. And it's not that I'm necessarily not punctual, but I like to live by the "give or take five minutes" rule. Except when it really matters, like getting to class and whatnot.) And hey, apparently I'm in the company of Eeyore (always one of my favorite Winnie the Pooh characters), Puddleglum from Chronicles of Narnia (whom I haven't met yet, as I haven't yet gotten to that book, but I'm looking forward to it), and Cliff from Cheers (about whom I have nothing to say. Haven't watched the show enough to have much of an opinion about him. But he's played by John Ratzenberger, whom I do enjoy). Oh, and Bruce Wayne. I'm Batman. haha. (Oh and I think one time within the last few months I took some online personality test, which I guess ended up linking you to the Harry Potter character which fit your personality type, and I was Hagrid. So, you know, yeah. I have no idea what that means. Haha. But I guess I can see how it fits.)

I do have to say that it seems weird to assign personality types to fictional characters. But whatever. Makes me happy.

Oh I just took another one. Got ISFJ. (In the other one, I was least strong on the T part. So makes sense that that one might switch.)

You Are An ISFJ

The Nurturer You have a strong need to belong, and you very loyal. A good listener, you excel at helping others in practical ways. In your spare time, you enjoy engaging your senses through art, cooking, and music. You find it easy to be devoted to one person, who you do special things for. In love, you express your emotions through actions. Taking care of someone is how you love them. And you do it well! At work, you do well in a structured environment. You complete tasks well and on time. You would make a good interior designer, chef, or child psychologist. How you see yourself: Competent, dependable, and detail oriented When other people don't get you, they see you as: Boring, dominant, and stuck in a rut

What's Your Personality Type?

I think I had a point to this post. Hm...I don't really know. Oh, perhaps it was the fact that sometimes I worry that, if and when I get married and have a family, it'll make me go a little bit crazy. I guess lots of people do manage, because there are some introverts out there. Believe it or not. Eh I guess I'm worrying about nothing right now. I'm not really worrying, either, really.

So, to sum up, there really isn't a good point to this post. I'm an introvert, and thus I don't like people. Haha. Not really. But introverts are cool too, ok? Even if some of us seem to be boring. And cold. And uninterested. It's not (necessarily) true. Really. I promise.

Life goes on

I had to go to the dentist today. I'm pretty sure I haven't been since 2003. Possibly summer, but possibly early in the year. I don't really remember. It's been awhile. So, because of this, they did a full set of x-rays. I was certain I was going to end my streak of no cavities, and they'd find like eight. In fact, they only found seven. Ok, I'm just kidding. I actually had none. I was very surprised. Pleasantly so, obviously. I'm quite happy about that. And I guess my gums are pretty good too, which is also a plus (sometimes I'm worried that they're receding or whatnot). My dentist actually did comment on the size of my teeth. Second semester junior year, I was eating dinner with Bethany and Caitlin. We were at a four-seater table in South, and they were sitting on one side and I was on the other. At one point I said something or smiled or did something that showed my teeth, and both very randomly and at exactly the same time said "Wow you have small teeth!" Or something along those lines. I had never heard that before, but weird. So apparently my dentist agrees. So that's...interesting.

Oddly, though, I didn't get a cleaning today. She told me that it was just a "new patient visit" and that I had to schedule another one for a cleaning. I was confused and said, "Oh, well I'm just here on spring break and I'll be leaving in a couple of days, so..." They managed to find a slot tomorrow at 11:20, so I guess that's good. I don't even mind. I was just so worried about the cavity thing. The cleaning is no problem, really. I mean, it's not exactly what I call pleasant, but at least I don't have to have more x-rays. Those things make me gag. But what doesn't? Anyway though. So...relief. She did comment on the fact that I still have my wisdom teeth, and said they're pretty far up there, but that it's usually best to get them out when you're still young and whatnot, before they cause a problem. I'm still not sure if I'll be doing that this summer or not. Obviously I'd prefer not, but my health coverage under my dad's plan ends in August, and it's a pretty darn good plan. So I might just want to get it done when it's pretty cheap, relatively, etc. I don't know though. I guess I don't have to decide that right now, necessarily.

Anyway. In more exciting news, I went to look for a bridesmaid dress tonight with my sister and mom. (I'm a bridesmaid in Peter's wedding in May.) Sara (his fiancee) just wanted everyone in apple (red, not green -- lots of people, myself included, automatically think green when they hear apple. I wonder why that is. But I really like the red, so I'm glad it's red) and short length (tea length or whatever). Other than that, we can pick whatever we want. I picked out three dresses initially that I thought I liked, and when I tried them on, I really liked two of them. And I, surprisingly, didn't feel like I looked terrible! It was amazing! And when the lady helping us had asked what size, I said...oh, dare I admit it? Eh whatever. I'm not model-skinny by any means, and that's no secret, so whatever. I said 12. She said she'd try to find 12 and 14, because their sizes tend to run small. Me not wanting to have to try on the bigger one tried the 12s first. And with the first dress I tried on, get this, it was almost too big! I was beyond thrilled. You have no idea. I don't really think I've lost weight or size or anything, so I don't know what happened. All I know is it was great. And I look pretty not bad, too, which is obviously a plus. I'm surprised I actually made a decision so quickly! But now looking at the website dresses (we went to David's Bridal), that was one of the dresses I had seen and liked as a possibility. So yeah. Anyway. Good for me. Oh and also, I was slightly worried about the length of the tea length dresses on me, since I'm slightly taller than a lot of girls. But this one hit I think just below my knees. A good enough length that I didn't hate it. (I don't like skirts and dresses that show my knees. I don't like my knees. I don't know why.) So yes. Good good.

You have to understand. Clothes shopping of any kind, at all, rarely if ever makes me feel good about myself. Or good about clothes in general. (Including shoes. Ugh.) I've never been super-skinny. Or even regular-skinny. So for me to try on a dress that I expected to be perhaps a tad too tight, and to find that it was most certainly not too tight at all is quite a new experience for me. So forgive me for being a bit overly excited about it.

What's that? You want to see the dress? And that's exactly how I posed in it, too. Haha. Except not. Maybe someday I'll try it on and take a picture. Just like that one. But first I have to get a halter bra. (I've never owned or worn a halter top anything, ever. So it's a bit of a branching out for me.) And I'm going to get a nice bulge-smoothening apparatus, too. Because, you know. Yeah.

Anyway. It's been a pretty good day for distracting me from that which could potentially overwhelm me. It's still really hard. (Of course it is. It's been two days. And I have to adjust with it all while being home. Part of the reason why I wanted to wait until Thursday, so I could remove myself from the situation ASAP. But perhaps that wouldn't have been as good or healing for me.) I hate coming home and not having Kebbie anywhere to greet me. I hate eating food and not having her there to lick out the bowl or plate. I hate that when I go to bed I don't have to check to make sure the back door is locked. I don't think it's been opened since we took her on Monday. I hate seeing random blobs or shadows on the floor and thinking for a second that it's Kebbie, much like what happened when I was first home after Colt died. Actually, still happens. I drove near/past Palmer Park today. I almost crumbled right then. I remember how hard it was to take Kebbie to Palmer Park for the first time after Pebo died. It took awhile for me to be able to do that. I've been going to that part of Palmer Park for years and years now. It's a favorite piece of Colorado Springs for me. And man, Kebbie loved it too. So much. I wish I had taken her more often. I just don't know how or when I'll be able to go back. I guess, seeing as it's the dog run part of the park (dogs can roam free, as long as they're "controllable"), there's not much point in going without a dog. And I'm dogless. And I feel it. Sigh. I miss her. It's somewhat different with Kebbie than with Pebo, almost five years ago, or Colt last September. Those were both completely unexpected. Kebbie wasn't at all. I knew it was coming. That was pretty much the whole point of me coming home for spring break. But that really doesn't make it any easier. Sigh.

Sorry. On a lighter note, I did discover on Monday that my allegedly waterproof mascara really does a good job of living up to that descriptor. Amazingly no smudging or running at all. Not that I was extremely concerned about that at the time. Obviously.

Sigh. There's not much else to say other than sigh. I don't like being pet-less.

I hate the reason this post exists.

I was considering doing what I did last time I went through this, and just not posting for awhile. But I didn't deal with things very well last time, so I think I should try not to replicate any of what I did last time.

Yesterday afternoon, we put Kebbie down. She was the first of our relatively many pets we've had who I actually went with and held as she died. I think it was good for me, although unbelievably hard. It was going to be hard no matter what I did, though. I still have a hard time believing she's completely, totally, and utterly gone, forever. I mean, she's been my constant companion since I was eight. Fifteen years. And yes, fifteen years is a pretty long time for a dog. Especially her size. She wasn't big, but she wasn't small either. So, I will forever be thankful that she lived so long. That I got so much time with her. But it's still hard. No longer is there an animal to whom to feed scraps from dinner. I'll never hear her claws clicking on the linoleum as she comes from the dining room to the family room through the kitchen, or vice versa. We don't have a dog to let in or out anymore. Sometimes it's like she's just in another room, but then I remember that she's not, and she never will be. This morning when I woke up, my bedroom door was still closed. Every morning for pretty much as long as I can remember, my door is open in the morning, because I've either had a pet sleeping in there overnight and my parents let them out in the morning to feed them, or pets have been elsewhere but like to come sleep in my room after eating in the morning. As we have no more pets, my door will remain shut until I open it, I guess.

It's weird. And sad. And I hate that Kebbie is gone. I miss her so much. I know a big part of her has been gone for at least the last few months, because she's been getting so old (although it took her a long time to get there) and couldn't really do or hear or see much. But she was still here, still with me, still around to stick her nose between my knees when she really wanted to get pet, still around to look at me with those puppy eyes, still here to hug. And now...just like that...she's gone.

I realize that some people probably don't understand this very much. She was just a dog, right? And perhaps I'm overreacting about it. But she wasn't just a dog to me. She was my friend, my companion, and such a big constant for much of my conscious memory. In a way, she was sort of one of the last true links to my childhood. My siblings and family have grown up with me, and I guess they're links, but in a different way. Kebbie was still Kebbie. She was such a big part of me. And now she's gone, and I can't ever get her back. I'm (almost reluctantly) thankful I took so many pictures of her. A lot of them look exactly the same, but I don't care. But it is hard, right now, to look through my pictures. Because I can't open a folder without seeing at least a few pictures of her (and my other pets, well, the cats -- Pebo died before I had a digital camera and thus the ability to take lots of random pictures of her. Which I'm sort of sad about), and it's hard. There's this picture of Kebbie sitting on the chair we have in our family room, that's sitting against the wall with the window, and she's looking out like she used to. Looking for the squirrels. And sitting on the desk next to her, set up against the window, is Colt doing the same thing. And God I miss them both. I can't believe they're both gone. January 2007, we had three pets. Now, barely into March 2008, and I have none. And it hurts.

Goodbye, Kebbie. I hope you're chasing squirrels to your puppy-heart's desire now, free of pain.

I don't know how to move on.

Just a few random things

My church seems to be about the most inefficient church ever when it comes to Mass. We went to the 9:30 this morning, and it finished at around 11. I can't help but compare to the Basilica, where it's unusual for a typical Mass to last longer than an hour. (Most of the times when I go to the 10am, we're out of there before 11.) Now, it's not that I'm against long Masses, obviously. My favorite Mass of the year lasts close to three hours. I just don't like unnecessarily long Masses. I don't even know how this one took so long, but it did. I mean, when I went to Ash Wednesday Mass this year at school, the Basilica was pretty much beyond full, and still they managed to make the whole thing go quickly. It started at 5:15 and we were out of there by 6:20. And that's distributing ashes and Communion. Obviously it's no secret that I'm not the biggest fan of Holy Apostles (they're doing some of the same Latin songs we're doing at school -- the Agnus Dei and the Sanctus -- and apparently to them that's "paring down" the music. Whereas I think a Mass with Latin is just that much more rich. But whatever), but still. Like Holy Apostles or not, an hour and a half for Mass for a nowhere near filled church is just...excessive.

Other things: I found out today that ND is giving Martin Sheen the Laetare Medal at the graduation this year. So I guess he'll be there. So that's kinda cool. (Yeah, he may not be the most faithful Catholic in some respects, but I think for the most part he's pretty kosher. Especially when it comes to a lot of Catholic social teachings and whatnot.)

Also, it looks like we may end up putting Kebbie down sooner than I'd prefer. (Because it'd be hard for me ever to say that I "want" to, although it's hard to watch her going downhill like she's been.) I was "hoping" we'd do it Thursday, to maximize my time with her and to minimize the time I'm home afterward, because I think it'll be hard to be here without her. I mean, she's been here the last 15 years. That's a majority of my life. Especially considering I don't have a lot in the way of clear memories before the age of five or so. Anyway. She's really going downhill. Today she's really bad. I think Mom and Dad think we should do it tomorrow. I'm starting to agree, although...I can't bear the thought. But that'll be true no matter when we do it.

Know what? This sucks. That's all there is to it.

Oh, football

Man, from what I'm hearing, looks like the off-season is shaping up to be as terrible as the Super Bowl was for the Patriots. Which leads to a bad next season. Sigh. At least the Red Sox might be good again this season. That's something. (And thankfully baseball season starts soon!)

Oh yeah

By the way, I made it home. Took the 2:10 bus, which was filled with ND students which meant no stops which meant a quicker trip, thus getting us to the airport somewhere around an hour earlier than scheduled. So I got put on standby for the 4:50 plane. Didn't get that. Got rolled over to the 5:41 plane. Was three away from getting on that. Got rolled over to the 6:45 plane, which kept getting delayed and had made it to being delayed until 7:51, and then they came on and told us that there were more than 50 people on standby for that flight (all of us who kept getting rolled over -- I think there had been some earlier Denver flights canceled, so there was extra demand I guess) and only one anticipated open seat, but that the "next" flight which was scheduled for 7:55 had something like 20 open seats and only one person on standby. I had been contemplating going to that one anyway, figuring a lot of people would have gone to the "earlier" flight like I did. So when they told me that, I went to the 7:55 flight. Got put on the list. (First got agitated because it took forever for people to get to the counter to start talking to those of us in line, as seems to be the case often. Why do they wait so long to get there? Argh. I am so impatient when it comes to waiting in lines.) When they displayed the standby list, it said anywhere between 15-20ish seats open, and I alternated from 4th on the list to 8th or so. So I was pretty sure I'd get a seat, and I did, thankfully. And even a window seat! (I love me some window seats.) That flight was delayed a bit too, as they all seemed to be, all because the planes coming in were delayed. So that was annoying, but not much.

So in the end I only got into Denver a little over an hour earlier than I was scheduled to get in (although who knows, that flight might have been somewhat delayed as well), but it was good enough. It was a tiring day, because not only did I have to sit at the gate each time and wait somewhat nervously (that's not the right adjective, but I can't think right now) to see whether I'd get on this flight, the gates weren't even in the same terminal. First I went to terminal C because I misread the departure gate of the first flight. So then when I figured out my mistake, I had to go back to terminal B where the actual gate was. Then when that flight didn't pan out, the next flight was, of course, in terminal C. And then the one after that was terminal B. And the boonies of terminal B, too. And then the last flight was terminal C. So it was a lot of walking. A lot of standing (because all the gates were crowded because there were extra people hoping to get on standby and whatnot). And traveling is just stressful. Actually, though, the first few flight tries weren't that bad. It was a bit annoying standing there and waiting, watching, hoping, but after the flight where I got oh so close and then got sent to the flight that got delayed over an hour, that was the first time I had a real chance to sit down and relax. But I didn't want to relax, and couldn't really, because everything was still all crazy and unknown, and I was wound up. Plus, at that one I had no idea where I was on the list because the little TV thingy they have that goes through the list every once in awhile wasn't set up at that gate. I would have been a lot better waiting at that one if I had some idea where I was. But anyway.

Oh yeah! Because we got to the airport so early (something like 3:30), it was oddly empty. I didn't have to wait for anyone when I checked my bag, and there were like three people in front of me at security. Quick, and easy as a wink. (Haha, I love that phrase.) No one razzed me about my knitting needles, either, even though they were sticking up out of my bag and they were sticking out point-first. Knitting needles are definitely allowed, though, and especially the bamboo ones. I think they probably look a lot less intimidating than the metal ones. Plus, they rock. Anyway though. Oh and the other cool thing was that on the flight where I got a seat, it was of course expected to be full and such, as they all had been, but then when the doors were closed and everyone sat down, the two seats next to mine (I was in F, so E and D) were empty! It was really kind of funny, somehow. I wonder how many people were waiting for that delayed 6:45 flight that didn't go over to the 7:55 flight, and then had to wait for my original 9:30 flight...and I got a whole half a row to myself. But then the guy in the middle seat behind me came up and sat in the aisle seat, which obviously was fine. I was just thrilled to have a window seat and no one next to me, because that meant so much more space. It was awesome. And then they played an episode of The Office from season four, an hour-long episode, and I haven't seen most of season four yet, including that one, so that was great. And when they then played an episode of Ugly Betty, I changed the channel to the classical music XM radio station and knitted for the rest of my flight. Which was also great. I can get so addicted to classical music, it's weird. I didn't want to take those headphones off, not even when we got to the gate and stopped. It's just so very soothing. Anyway. So that was quite an enjoyable flight, really, as much as they can be.

And now I'm done. (Man, didn't expect to write so much. But I guess, when do I ever?)

My blogging is finally peer pressuring others.

Two of my friends made a blog. And since they gave a shout out to this thing on theirs, I figured I'd reciprocate. I don't know if they'll ever update it after next week (I think they're currently bored because it's spring break and they stayed in South Bend, suckers), but if they do continue to update, perhaps you can understand a bit of one of the reasons I'm as weird as I am. Because they made me that way. Haha. And I wouldn't have it any other way. They're pretty awesome, after all. (Seriously. Great girls. I love 'em.) Two Purple Rains. And man, that's a great name for those two. Haha. (Hey, it's a good drink, ok? Especially Backer-made ones.)

Please, not Obama

Sometimes I'm tempted to give up thinking about the presidential race, and just...not even caring. What's the point anyway? And then I read things like this article which reminds me just how important it is, regardless of the other issues, that at the very least we elect someone who isn't so incredibly against saving lives. We're reaching 50 million people aborted in this country since Roe vs Wade. McCain isn't the perfect candidate, obviously. He's not wholly and totally pro-life. But at least he isn't antagonistic to the pro-life issue. If he did nothing else good while in office, at least Bush made two important nominations to the Supreme Court, which were integral in at least banning partial-birth abortion. And the next president will also likely be making another nomination to the Supreme Court, which could potentially impact the pro-life cause in a big way. Maybe not, but it's possible. I know a lot of people don't necessarily like the "single-issue voters." But in my case, I can't see how we can, as a country, tout doing good for this group of people or that if we can't even help the unborn of our country. Obviously, helping other groups is incredibly important. But we can't help others while ignoring the most helpless, and refusing to do anything to change that. Anyway. I know, the likelihood that anything will be done about abortion in the near future is slim to none. But I'd rather vote for the guy who might at least do something positive about it instead of the guy who could very well make things worse. (Oh and also, I'm in no way saying I'd prefer Hillary to Obama, obviously. But Obama just seems sooo much worse in this regard at least.)

(h/t: american papist--very good for keeping up with Catholic-related news. And news that affects Catholics.)