Insomnia?

What is it about nights before I travel that makes me unable to make myself go to bed? I could easily sleep right now, yet I'm refusing myself, and I'm not sure why. I think I must subconsciously be terrified of flying or something, or maybe just terrified that I won't wake up in time, or something...

Oh well.

I forgot

Oh yeah, I forgot to ask for prayers for safe travel for my family and me this weekend, and for just a good weekend in general. Thanks, all.

It's a wonder I can think at all

(In case you haven't noticed, lately I haven't been creative enough to think of my own titles, so I've just been using song lyrics. It's fun, right?)

You know what I think could really do me wonderfully? Going on some sort of a spiritual retreat, one of those ones at like a convent, where you just pray all day for like a week straight, and you get your head cleared of all the crap with which TV and Internet and music and radio clutters it. Maybe I'd find some way to get some peace for once, without all these annoying thoughts that do me no good flying around in my head. But alas, I don't think that's entirely possible right now. I really should set aside a time every day simply to sit and be quiet, but I suck at doing that. Sigh. Oh well.

Didn't sell anything at work tonight. Realllly didn't want to be there. Got a call during class (phone on silent, checked it after), and it was Michael seeing if I could come in like half an hour early or something because he was leaving early and didn't want Brenda to be there alone for too long (which didn't make sense to me because a lot of times managers are there by themselves for like four hours if they open by themselves). Anyway, I was exhausted and had a headache after class, so I thought I'd see if I could make it there early, but he had said not to worry about it if I couldn't so I didn't worry about it. So yeah. And man, I swear it's like I've been PMS-y for like three weeks now (so obviously it's not that), and it's so weird for me, but during my shift a couple times I had to fight back tears. For no good reason. At one point it was because I had noticed that my rosary bracelet, which I just picked up from the jewelry repair shop today because the little thing that the crucifix and miraculous medal is on had broken. It was supposed to be done on Saturday, or at least that's what they told Dad when he took it in last Wednesday. So you'd think that it would be done when I went in to get it today, right? Nope. He was "just finishing it up" or something, so I had to wait a few minutes. So I was ok with that, even though they had put the cross and medal on backwards from how they were before, but I could even deal with that. But then, at work, after wearing it less than 5 hours probably, I noticed that what they had just fixed had already broken again. (Instead of putting on a new piece to attach them, they just like worked with the one that was on there. Yeah, clearly that worked well.) So when I noticed it, I just got frustrated and just wanted to cry. And then I just kept thinking about stuff that just made me want to cry, and this isn't like me. It's...I don't know what it is, or what I'm doing, or what's wrong with me. And now here I am, crying again. Could have something to do with the bit of a headache I still have. Ugh. Can someone just...knock me out for the next few months? Maybe that'd be nice.

Man, I want to knit something. Someone tell me to knit them something.

I stopped by the Herald today. Got an email yesterday saying they had a book that they wanted to give me and Cathy, but they just got in yesterday, so today I figured I'd go to Katies and go over there for a bit. I wanted to anyway because I hadn't gotten to say bye to Eperanza or Mary Theresa when I left last week. So I went over there, and it was fun. Didn't stay too long, but long enough to say hi to everyone, chat a little bit, etc. The book? The new United States Catholic Catechism for Adults. Isn't that exciting? (and yes, I'm being serious.) I wanted to get a copy as soon as I heard about it, so it's very cool.

Tonight at work, I took out the trash. This isn't an unusual occurance, but tonight it was kind of just what I needed. It was about 7:40 when I went outside, where the dumpster is (obviously), and it was just in time to catch the tail end of what must have been a lovely sunset. There were just a few clouds in the sky, just here and there, but the ones closest to the mountains, like right above them, were lit up magnificently. It was beautiful, just getting dark, with these clouds that looked almost like they were on fire. I don't know. It was wonderful and peaceful, even with the background noise of the trash dumpster compacting. Didn't completely get me out of my funk, but at least it was somewhat of a balm for a few minutes at least.

Seeing pregnant women just makes me happy. Perhaps that's a little weird, but oh well.

Tomorrow I leave for Steve's wedding. Tom and I are meeting at the airport (Cathy's driving me), where we'll fly to Midway and then sit and be bored for three hours before getting on another plane to LaGuardia, where Mom and dad will pick us up, and we'll drive to Grandpops. Then Friday we'll drive from Grandpops (in northern NJ) to New Hamshire. I think it's a good 6 hours. Friday night is the rehearsal dinner, which we're going to, and Saturday obviously is the wedding, and we come home Sunday. (And then Monday I get to work 1-10. We're supposed to switch some stuff around, which is really just such a pointless waste of time as is much that goes on in that company, but if we get it done before we close, then we just have to stay until 9:15 and we can clock ourselves out at 10. So hopefully that'll be the case, instead of us having to do it all after we close and thus having to stay later. I won't want to stay a minute later than I have to, I can tell you that. but the way things have been going this week, if they continue next week I'm sure we'll have plenty of time to do that stuff during store hours. Although, it will be Labor Day, so maybe we'll actually have some sales. what a concept.) Anyway, while I dislike traveling and stuff, I am definitely glad that this time at least I don't have to do it alone. I'm sure it'll make the whole thing much better. And I'll get to spend the whole weekend with my parents and Tom, which is nice. Or, in my mind it is anyway. Hopefully it'll be nice.

Man am I the most annoying person in the world or what? Geez. I don't know how anyone tolerates me, seriously. My parents deserve sainthood or something.

It's 11:30, and I'm in the middle of doing laundry, so I have to be up for at least another two hours probably. I'm sure I will be anyway though, since I have yet to pack. I do pretty much know what all I'm taking though, so that's good.

Maybe I should go do that.

Man, I miss ND. I'm sorry. No one should ever read my blog, I think. I'm sure pretty soon no one will.

Stealing from a MySpace bulletin...

Only answer with 1

Pick Just 1 of the Following Items~~~~~~~

Bud, Coors, or Miller:
uh...none?

Chips, Pretzels, or Popcorn:
Chips, if they're tortilla

Flowers, Candy, or Cards:
Candy

Legs, Belly, or Butt:
Legs, I guess

Beer, Wine, or Mixed Drink:
Mixed drink

Early to bed, Early to rise, Sleep all day:
Early to rise can be nice, but if I don't have to do anything then sleep alllll day

Football, Basketball, or Baseball:
Football (at least, ND football)

Bottle, Can, or Draft:
uh...

Prude, Slut, or Tease:
Prude

Kiss, Hand Holding, or Hugs:
Hugs

Buy, Lease, or Steal:
Buy

Ford, Chevy, or Dodge:
Chevy. But just because they used to have the commercials with the Bob Seger song. (That was Chevy, right?)

Cheese Burger, Pizza, or Salad?
I guess I'll be healthy and say salad. But only if it's crispy chicken salad from Old C's

Italian, French, or Chinese Food:
Chinese. mmmmmm

Car, SUV, or Mini-Van:
Car, I guess

Email, Telephone, or Letter:
Letter

Lover, Fighter, or Instigator:
Lover

California, New York, or Florida:
Upstate New York

Cheater, Straight Shooter, or Rule Bender:
Straight Shooter

Private, Public, or Semi-Private:
Private

Kisses on the Neck, Belly, or Ears:
uh...

First Base, Second Base, or Third Base:
uh...first base sounds good? (guess it depends on who's playing. haha)

Animal House, Old School, or American Pie:
uh...none? I guess Old School if I have to pick

Jessica Simpson, Britney Spears, or Christina Aguilera:
Norah Jones

Christmas, Thanksgiving, or Halloween:
How about Thanksgiving to Christmas?

Coke, Pepsi, or Sprite:
Pepsi

Dogs, Cats, or Hamsters:
Dogs

Friends, Lovers, or Enemies:
hm...lovers I guess

Jr. High, High School, or College:
College

Beach, Mountains, or Desert:
Mountains, oh yeah

Cookies, Cake, or Brownies:
cooookies

Short hair, Long hair, No hair:
Shorter hair on guys, longer on girls (but not necessarily really long, just...a good girl-length)

Gum, Mints, or Mouthwash:
Gum rocks

March, July, or October:
March. Wait, October, because it has football :-)

Breakfast, Lunch, or Dinner:
Dinner

Giver, Sharer, or Keeper:
Keeper :-P

Eyes, Nose, or Mouth:
Eyes

We are all just prisoners here of our own device

Today, I meant to go to the bathroom after my English class. I had to go, but I guess not badly enough to remember. Instead, I went to the computer lab and checked my email, got an email that said my Latin workbook wasn't going to be sent and that they were refunding me, so I looked to see if I could find another new one for cheaper than the bookstore. I got one from a seller at amazon. Hopefully this one will stick. Once I did whatever I was going to on the computer, I went to get coffee at a little stand down the hall a bit, and then as I was walking out of the building I remembered that I had to go to the bathroom. But by then, I had my coffee, and didn't want to sit it down it the bathroom or anything (that's just gross). I figured I could hold it until after Latin, although that would be another three hours. So I sat in my car, ate a bit of food, etc, moved to a different parking lot, and eventually headed into the science building for Latin. I still had my cup of coffee at that point (I drink coffee slowly. Unless it's like a frappucino or something). Man was I uncomfortable that entire class. I should have just gotten up and gone, but I didn't want to miss anything (not that I would have been lost after missing two minutes). And, truth be told, I didn't know where the girls' bathroom was, and didn't feel like wandering, although I was pretty sure it was close since the guys' bathroom was right across the hall. So I suffered through the whole hour and 40 minute class. But, good for me, she let us go ten minutes early. I had to talk to her after, but wasn't the first to get to her, so I had to wait a few more minutes, but then I got to go. I would have rather just waited and gone at home, but by then I couldn't take it. Man that is the most wonderful feeling. I can't believe I just took all that space to tell you my having to pee story, but man. It's pretty much the greatest feeling ever. Kind of like after you have a raging headache, and it finally goes away, and you feel like you can run a marathon. Or after getting rid of stupid cramps. It really is true that pain (and sadness, and other negative things) really really make us appreciate the good stuff. Anyway. I'm done with that now.

Classes themselves were good today. I stayed up late last night finishing all that history reading (which wasn't too bad, really, the subject matter and whatnot), and as it turns out lots of the class didn't even finish it and it wasn't really all that necessary to get done by today. Especially since there's not another reading assignment this week. Oh well, it's done now at least. After that I went over to where my English class is, which is also right by the coffee place I got my coffee later, and there's windows with little places to sit in all of them, and I sat there and read the rest of the Scarlet Letter. First, though, I went through my planner and wrote down all the dates of history and English papers that I have this semester, and I was realizing, I kind of have a lot of history stuff to do...I'm mostly worried about the four document analyses we have to do. I guess I'll get a better feel for how they are after I do the first one, but I'm slightly intimidated at the moment. But then I think, nothing school-related is ever as bad as I think, and what's the worst that could happen? I'll get like...a C or something? If I go back to ND it'll pretty much not matter at all, and even if I don't, eh. So anyway. After I did that I did read the Scarlet Letter, but as it got closer to the start of class time and I still had a good 20 pages at least to read, I just started skimming more or less just so I could get the gist of it all, and yeah. Oh well. It worked well enough for the class today. And then Latin was good. Aside from the wishing it would end so I could go pee already. We have a test on Thursday, but I won't be here so I'll be taking it after class next Thursday. I dislike missing class, but hopefully Thursday will be the only day this semester I have to miss. Most times if people have to miss a class for some reason it's Mondays or Fridays, and I don't have class either of those days (even if they had more Friday classes, I didn't want Fridays so I wouldn't have to miss them since there'll be at least one more Friday I won't be in town this semester). Anyway. It'll be ok. As long as my English teacher remembers to email me the question on which we have to write our first essay exam, which is due next Thursday (our first day back in that class after this coming Thursday). I do wish I didn't have to miss my Thursday English class because I'd just like to have as much info on the book and whatnot before I have to write the exam thing, in case I like say something completely idiotic or whatever that was already pointed out and shot down in class. Oh well.

IMDB.com has a daily poll thing every day, and today's is "Which John Williams movie score will be most remembered?" And man, he is just such a great composer. I can never decide if I like him or James Horner better, as they both pretty much rock. But John Williams did compose the Olympics theme, and I do kind of love that, and I think he may have a bit of a heads-up over James Horner. As for the poll, 13270--close to 61%--said Star Wars. The next closest is Jaws with like 3700. And then there's Raiders of the Lost Ark (which does pretty much rock), and Superman (which I don't really know...unless I know it and don't know it's Superman), and Jurassic Park which I enjoy, and ET, and Schindler's List (SUCH a good, but very sad, soundtrack), and Harry Potter, and Close Encounters of the Third Kind, and Saving Private Ryan, and "other," and Memoirs of a Geisha, and Empire of the Sun. I really don't know either of the other two. But anyway. Go John Williams!

So...3 days, 19 hours, and 53 minutes. As of right now. Which is 10:07pm Tuesday night. What happens when that countdown goes to zero? You guessed it...Kickoff of the 2006 ND football season! Woohoo! How horrible am I going to sound, but I hope there's a TV somewhere (a bar, maybe?) at the place the reception is this weekend. The game starts at 8, the reception starts at 5. Man, I hope we blow everyone away this season, even more than last year. Dude. It's so weird going to espn.com and stuff and seeing how Brady's clearly the top choice for Heismann (preseason, anyway), and for the All-American team or whatever it is, and all this stuff. In all my years as a college student (hehe), Notre Dame's been mentioned, but definitely not at the top of any lists or anything like that. I love it. Yay ND!!! Sigh...November canNOT come soon enough.

Hm...so apparently there's a new version of the Lord of the Rings DVDs out. It's 2-disk per movie, one disk having both the theatrical and extended releases, the other with a new behind-the-scenes documentary for each movie. I just saw a clip of the documentary and man, I kind of want it now. It would be nice to have the whole movie on one disk, and it'd be fun to see the documentary, but I don't know...I'll probably vacillate until they're not available anymore, and then the decision will have been made for me.

Oh yeah, something interesting happened in my English class today. We were on the topic of penance, and how it's more of an outwardly thing, but to really be sorry, "there's another p-word" and asked if there were any Catholic kids in the class. (as soon as he said another p-word, I thought it was penitence, but then I thought maybe I was just being stupid and that it wasn't right. Turns out, it was right, and yet again I could kick myself for not saying the answer to something a teacher asks when it's the right answer. Happens more than I'd like, because what I'd really like is to actually say it out loud.) So this girl raised her hand, and I, a little slow on the uptake, raised mine. Then he started talking about Catholic confession (apparently his wife is an ex-Catholic, or as she apparently likes to call it, a "recovering Catholic"), and how if you're not really sorry then it's an invalid confession, stuff about confession in general, all that good stuff. And then the other girl who had raised her hand said "That's why I'm not a practicing Catholic anymore." And that's when my teacher said the thing about recovering Catholic, and the other girl nodded as if she totally understood. Now, I realize that I'm in the minority at UCCS. And I also realize that there are plenty of ex-Catholics out there. What I don't really understand is why they would still qualify themselves as Catholic. Why would you call yourself Catholic if you're not? I don't still call myself a teenager, or a high school student, or anything like that. Once I stopped being a teenager, stopped being a high schooler, I stopped calling myself those things. Why would you say you're still Catholic if you don't practice Catholicism anymore? I used to speak French, I used to practice it so to speak, but I don't really anymore, and I don't consider myself a French speaker. I don't know. It was just weird. Oh well.

There are far too many guys at UCCS who have ridiculously long hair. Like, never had a haircut in their life hair. It just looks gross.

So Thursday will be interesting. Leaving here by 8, I think, flight leaves at 11:15 (so 8's like the latest, especially since I have no idea how the lines for security and whatnot are right now), and then we have a 3 hour layover in Chicago before the 3ish hour long flight to LaGuardia. Needless to say, I'll hopefully be doing a lot of reading. It'll be a long day.

I have lots to do tomorrow before my 1:40 class, including picking up my rosary bracelet from where we took it to get fixed, going to Katies and dropping by the Catholic Herald for a bit (apparently there's yet something else they got for Cathy and me that hadn't gotten there until today, a book or something) to say hi and whatnot, and...maybe that's it. But yeah. And then work at 6. I'm fairly excited about that, not that I have to work but that I only have to work from 6-9:30. Instead of like 1 or 1:30 to 9:30. Soooo much better.

Alas, I still have homework to do. So I must do it. Goodbye, until next time...

There's always tomorrow, etc

(Edit: I actually wrote this last night, Monday night, but for some reason forgot to hit the "post" button, so when I clicked on the blogger tab I have open, here it was still waiting to get posted. Just thought I'd let you all know, since it makes such a big difference...But I guess for the context?)

The last 24 hours have been less than wonderful. Did some homework (but not enough) last night, went to bed later than I should have, discovered cat puke on my sheets after I entered my room, had to take off the bottom sheet (and the top one too, just because I figured I might as well) and the heated mattress pad underneath it, clean them a little, throw them in the washing machine, and even clean the mattress as it had soaked through the other stuff a little bit. Ugh. And then, on my way down the stairs, I noticed a HUGE spider on the wall. Ugh. It was such a shock to see it, plus I hate spiders, and it freaked me out, and man I was just messed up. I got the stuff in the washing machine, then went and got a tissue, went back up the stairs a bit so that I was above the spider (instead of getting it from below, in which case it might you know jump on me or fall on me or something), and I killed it and flushed it down the toilet. Shudder. So anyway, I wasn't in a good mood. I grabbed some random sheets out of the linen closet, just kind of put them over my mattress on the side I sleep on (the side that's not covered with stuffed animals and whatnot) and just kind of slept with them rather haphazardly on there. Man it sucked though. The whole situation, not necessarily the sleeping on those sheets thing.

I've been way too uber-emotional lately. Last night, while cleaning off my sheets, I started to cry. It seems I've been crying a lot lately. And I can't really pinpoint a good reason. I don't generally cry all that often, really. At least, I don't think I do. But man. I was just sitting in the upstairs hallway, between the bathroom and the laundry chute, a roll of paper towels and a spray bottle of Basic-H or some cleaner thing in my hands, and Blackie (who I blamed for the puke, although really it could have been either of them--I caught Colt throwing up the other day, and I've seen Blackie do it before plus she's on my bed way more than Colt ever is) sitting a few feet away. And I couldn't help but cry. Maybe it was frustration. Maybe it was anger at myself for being mad at Blackie, when I have a feeling that she's probably not going to be around really much longer (especially after Mom told me tonight that they want to put her down after our current supply of canned cat food is gone--not sure if she was serious or not), and I always feel guilty being mad at my pets, and especially Blackie since she's really Cathy's, and since Cathy's been gone I feel like she probably feels very neglected and unloved, and that makes me feel really sad. And of course, the spider didn't help my emotions get back "in whack," so to speak.

And then there's the fact that today when I got into work, I was surprisingly pissy, and I didn't really know why. It wasn't good. I mean, a part of it was a little bit of frustration at some "miscommunications" between me and Michael (it seems to happen a lot, that he'll say one thing which I take to mean pretty much as what he says, but then apparently it's supposed to mean something else, and it can get frustrating). But yeah. I don't know. Maybe I'm just stressing out about stuff too much lately. I do that. I'm quite good at it too. I wish things would just fall into place as they're supposed to be. It'd make things easier, that's for sure. But when does that ever really happen? Eh I don't know. My mood did improve somewhat over the course of the day (or I managed to suppress stuff), despite the fact that from the minute I clocked in at around 1:30, until almost 8pm, there wasn't a single sale for either of us. He had gotten like two or three before I got there, the last one right as I got there, and then after that, nothing. Then at 8 I sold a briefcase--and leather cleaner, which is good--and it was a good dollar amount sale. At least it's something. But yeah. It was actually kind of funny. In a wow I can't believe how dead the whole mall is today kind of way.

Back to school tomorrow. Still got stuff to do (so why am I here?). Tomorrow night, I have to read for my Wednesday comparative religions class, and then Wednesday I have to go to the class, possibly go to Katies either before or after, possibly come home sometime between class and work possibly to change and feed Kebbie, and then work from 6-close. After which time I'll have to pack for Thursday, and then Thursday morning Cathy'll take me up to DIA where I'll meet up with Tom somewhere and we'll leave for LaGuardia (I think with a stop in Chicago on the way). Jealous? You should be.

Well perhaps I should do some of that homework that I have yet to do for tomorrow. Could be a late night. At least I have space between my classes tomorrow in case I don't get everything done. Hence history is first priority tonight. Man I wish there was a Starbucks on campus. Or even somewhere pretty close. There's Starbucks everywhere, two within like three blocks of Tejon, but none fairly close to UCCS? Yeah, there's some other coffee establishment, but I don't have a $20 gift card to that place. Sigh. Ah, oh well.

And, oh yeah, did you hear prosecutors just all of a sudden dropped the case against John Mark Karr with the Ramsey thing? Apparently DNA said he didn't do it. How creepy is this guy? Either way he was going to be creepy, but man. To be so obsessed with this thing to pretend that you actually did it yourself, that's just weird. He sure needs some help.

Well, goodnight I guess.

There's a reason sundaes are so good

Know what church song I quite enjoy? "All Creatures of our God and King." It's just so beautiful. And when I hear it in my head, it's with the ND folk and/or lit choir which, you know, makes it just that much more majestic. Really quite lovely. I'd say that and All Glory, Laud and Honor are two of my absolute favorite church songs. Wonderful.

I'm still on a Mass-high from church today. Here's how I see it. You know how sometimes you can read something, and it's not really spectacular but it's not necessarily horribly written or anything. And then you read a sentence somewhere, and it differs a little bit from how you might normally hear it. Normally, it might be a sentence with say a preposition at the end. Something not too obvious, maybe just a "to" or an "in" at the end. You wouldn't really notice it like that, not as a bad thing anyway. But then you read this sentence, and the "to" or "in" is at the beginning (or wherever it make grammatical sense) and thus the sentence doesn't end with a preposition, and it just sounds so much classier and just better in general, and you really notice it then and it just makes your soul a little happier. Ok maybe that example really only applies to geeks like me, but it's kind of how I can equate how going to a Mass that's very traditional makes me feel, compared to say the 9:30am Mass at Holy Apostles. (I'd say the LifeTeen Mass generally would fall under an example in which there's a sentence with perhaps a few split infinitives or something just absolutely grating. The sentence is still readable, still what it's supposed to be, but man could it use some editing to help the main point stand out a little bit better.) Sorry for being a grammar dork tonight, yet again, folks. But yeah, gosh it was just such a wonderful experience. I can't tell you how great it felt to be at a Mass where people paid attention to what was going on, all seemed to want to be there, all were really into it. A Mass where there were 6 altar servers--and they were all male. Where they used patens. Where the two extra EMHCs were both male (although that could be coincidental, I obviously don't know). And no, I'm not a mysogynist. I just happen to think the altar looks much more like it should when there are only men up there. And another lovely thing about the Mass? They had a wonderful choir. Almost as good as any of the choirs at ND. Much better than I was expecting, to be honest. Oh and you know what else? You know how the backs of all the pews usually have a little rail thingy to keep the books in? This church didn't. Instead, they had what my dad told me were hooks for hats. It made me feel like I was going to Mass decades ago, which is a great feeling. Oh, and the guy who was in front of me when I went up for communion knelt down to receive. I've thought about how it'd be to do that, but I wouldn't ever attempt it at Holy Apostles (it's weird enough there to receive on the tongue, although I guess really you can't tell). Anyway. Some parts were a little confusing at first, especially trying to figure out where the songs were in the hymnal, but once I got that stuff worked out it was great. I'd definitely love to go back.

All right. Enough about that I guess. It's just...it's so wonderful to be able to attend a Mass where everything's being done as it's meant to be. (Of course, it also made me a little more wistful--as if that's possible--for Notre Dame and that wonderful building known as the Basilica...but that's ok.)

Mom and Dad went to Walmart tonight, so I tagged along, and I spent about $45 of my gift card there. Guess what I bought? That's right, DVDs. I got...5 DVDs. Technically more than that, as one of them is like a TV series or something, and another's a 2-pack. Men in Black I and II. Hehe. That wasn't on my list of movies I've wanted to get, but I do like them, and hey they were cheap. So I splurged. Fun stuff.

At work today, the 4 hours I was there (SOOO much better than 7 or 8) I sold three things in two transactions. Both of which occurred during my first half hour. Yeah. After that I think there was one more sale all day. I would have had another, but the guy wanted to pay with credit card, and he didn't have his ID with him. So it's on hold, hopefully he'll come back and buy it tomorrow like he said he would. I mean, it's only a $25 jacket, but every little bit helps. Luckily I'll probably feel slightly less stressed tomorrow as my goal for the day is less than it was for today (even though I'm there 7.5 hours instead of 4), but then I'll have to make up for what I didn't sell today. Oh well. Yeah, I might talk about it kind of a lot here, but honestly aside from the fact that I don't want to look like a slacker to everyone, I don't care much if I make goal or not. Anyhoo.

So, any ideas as to how I should spend my 21st birthday? After the three classes I have over the course of the day, obviously. I'd say maybe I should go see a movie or something, but there's not even anything good out (and as far as I can tell, there's nothing good coming out either). Bars obviously don't interest me all that much. I don't have a lot of friends in town at the moment, and I just...eh I don't know. I feel like I should do something at least, I mean, 21 is apparently a big birthday. I guess I'll figure something out. Or not, and it'll just pass into oblivion. I just hope I can manage to make it to Mass sometime that day.

I guess I better go do some homework. Crazy idea. Man oh man do I wish I didn't have to go into work tomorrow. Or that, at the very least, during all those hours of just standing there doing nothing, I could at least do some reading that I need to do. But alas, no such luck. (Oh, for the days of working at the Huddle, where we weren't really supposed to do homework, but it wasn't uncommon for us to stand there with books or notebooks or textbooks...) Goodnight.

Uh...sure

People are funny. None of the arguments against homosexuality (behavior, anyway) make sense from a religious or any other standpoint? Apparently some people don't really understand the arguments. But we all knew that.

Oh, and hearing tons of exclamations from supposedly pro-life people saying how excited they are that the Morning After Pill is now available over the counter just seems...contradictory to me. Sure, it might cut the numbers of later abortions, but it can still cause what basically amounts to an abortion. I suppose those don't count to the "real world," though. I guess you can chalk that one up to another reason I'm glad I'm Catholic.

Beautiful

I may start having to drive an hour each way to Mass now. We went to Holy Ghost today for Mass, and man it was everything I could want it to be. Even most of the prayers and responses were in Latin (and quite a few of them sung), but the readings and homilies and whatnot were in English, so it was great. And the homily? Man it was great. I really liked that priest. He equated marriage and the Eucharist, and he didn't shy away from like talking about what the Gospel and the second reading (the one with "wives be subordinate to your husbands" etc) were talking about. And how the Gospel today started with how people said "This teaching is hard," and it's right after the reading with all that wives do this, husbands do that. Anyway. It was a really good homily. I quite enjoyed it. It was a really pretty church too, all the stained glass windows and everything, and the place where the lectors read (actually it was just one of the altar boys who read both) was really cool, and yeah. Great church. I hope I can go back.

Angels in the architecture

Perpective's a great thing sometimes, isn't it? I think it is, anyway. You know what else I think? The ND football season starts in a week. A WEEK! How crazy is that? It's very exciting, is what it is. Man I hope we do well this season. I was thinking about it, trying to decide if it'd be worse for me if we do badly or if we do really well. I mean, obviously if we do well I'll be wishing I was at each and every game, but it'll still be great to see them on TV (and...sigh...even ok to watch them on tape after I get out of work on those inevitable Saturdays--of which I'm sure there'll be many, especially since there's already one in the next three weeks--where I have to work during the games). But if we play badly (which I know we won't, because we just can't, and it's just not going to happen), I'll wish I was there too--almost a kind of moral encouragement kind of thing. Or a "If only I was there, maybe they would have won" stupid thing, because clearly me being there or not makes no difference. I think a lot of us are a little superstitious when it comes to our football team though. Every year there's that article of clothing you decide you just can't wear because we lost the first time you wore it, after previous wins where you didn't wear it. Or silly things like that. Anyway though. Either way, man I hope we blow all doubt out of the water this year. I hope we finally get someone into the Heismann finals, and I hope Brady wins it. He sure deserves it.

Tonight at work, I barely managed to sell over $200 worth of stuff. My goal for the week, the three days this week that I worked, was $1441. My total? $509. It's kind of crappy though, because my goal was much harder to get than pretty much everyone else's I think. For example, the other sales associate worked like an hour and a half less this week than I did. Her goal was a good $600 less than mine, because her hours were during the weekdays and most of mine were Friday and Saturday. And they give the store, and by extension whoever's working those days, higher goals on the weekends. Which means it kind of screwed me. I mean, not that it even really matters all that much, but it'd be nice to finish a week with a percentage of goal higher than like -60 or 70%. I feel like it makes me look like I'm not doing well enough, but ugh. It's not my fault that all my sales are low priced, and that I had way more total transactions and more total items than the other sales associate, yet her average dollar sale is much higher than mine as is her total dollar sales for the week. Not to mention that her percentage of her goal is a lot closer to 0 or positive than mine. Oh well. I just wish I didn't have to worry about it so much. I guess technically I don't, but does that stop me? Of course not.

Tomorrow we're going up to Holy Ghost in Denver for Mass, and then out to brunch with Tom (after which Tom, parents, Cathy and Jason will go back to Tom's, and I'll have to drive back down here by myself to be at work at 2:30. Lovely). That should be nice. I haven't gotten my Latin workbook in the mail yet (I ordered it with the other ones, and it's the only one I haven't gone. It says I can start to complain after Sept. 1, but the problem is we have an assignment to do for Tuesday, and obviously that'd be hard to do without the book...). I'm going to go to Barnes and Noble tomorrow and buy it, and copy the pages I need, and then return it sometime. It's a little frustrating though. I wish I didn't have to go through all that, and I wish the freaking book had gotten here already.

Man I just realized how much homework (also known as reading) I still have to do by Tuesday. I have to finish the Scarlet Letter, which I'm not as far in as I'd like to be, I have probably a good 60 pages left to read for history, and then of course the Latin. And, oh yeah, I have to read a bunch for my contemporary religions class too. But that's just by Wednesday, so if I have to I can attempt to do it all Tuesday night...but I'd rather not...man I wish I wasn't working so much.
I guess I should go to bed. I'm quite tired and have to get up early (we're planning on leaving at 8:30 to make it there by 10). Sigh. Goodnight, I guess.

Just doesn't do it

It's amazing how inadequately words can do justice to feelings. We rely on words for everything, almost, and yet...how can they ever really relay to people what we're thinking? You know what I mean? But it's all we have. More or less. It's just weird to think about.

Work wasn't too terrible today. I only sold about $300, which means tomorrow to make even I'm going to have to sell $1200 worth of stuff. Yeah, good luck Susie. But as long as I make about $300 worth, I at least won't finish with the least amount of sales for the week. Of course, what matters more than the dollar amount is the percent away from your goal that you finish...anyway we'll see. Today was slow. Maybe tomorrow will be a busy day with lots of expensive sales. Ha.

Um...hm I don't know. There are so many things to say, but I just don't feel like it.

Completely stupid, but...funny

I just read this thing about a little tiff between Britney Spears and Jessica Simpson backstage at the Teen Choice Awards earlier this week or something. Apparently Jessica asked Britney if she could kiss her belly. That's weird, right? I mean, I'd be weirded out if someone--even Jessica Simpson--wanted to kiss my belly if I was pregnant. Unless it was like my husband or something, obviously. But just some random person? (Admittedly, I don't know if the two are friends or acquaintences or something, but from what I just read I'd guess not. I could be wrong though, in which case everything I'm saying here is probably moot.) Apparently Britney replied "Hell, no!" I might not be that harsh, but I'd probably respond similarly. Also apparently, Jessica "was really insulted." I'm sorry, but if I went up to someone and asked to kiss their pregnant belly and they told me I couldn't, I seriously doubt I'd be insulted. I doubt I'd even ask someone to do that, but yeah. It's just weird. Celebrities are weird. Jessica Simpson is weird. Britney Spears is definitely weird, but I think I'd tend more to side with her in this one.

Yeah, I know, no one cares about celebrities and their stupid fights, but I just found this particularly funny. I mean, who asks to kiss someone's belly? Heck, I wouldn't have even thought to do that when Cathy was pregnant with Jason. It's just too weird. And I just like the fact that the little blurb I read said that Jessica "was rudely snubbed." As if it's not rude or privacy-invading to ask to kiss someone's belly. Maybe I'm being prude-ish or something, maybe I'm not touchy-feely enough, so maybe everyone else who reads this will think that Britney was wrong and indeed rude in this case. But this isn't everyone else's blog, so...too bad! hehe.

Bad decisions?

haha, so I've decided (yes--decided) that I'm indecisive because when I do make decisions, they suck. Case in point, tonight. Choices: Stay home, with parents and Cathy and Jason (who was just oh so cute tonight, I can't even stand it), and relax, and perhaps even talk about some things with my parents, as I haven't been able to do much this week due in part to a paper Mom had to finish writing for her class. So that would have been nice. Other choice: Go to Bible study (even though I was going to be late), see Kristina (and some other people I guess), and...see Kristina...hehe. So I chose Bible study mostly because I just rarely see Kristina anymore. Turns out, it just really frustrated me. Once everyone else had gone and we were getting ready to get into our cars, it was fun. Just me and Kristina. But beyond that, my frustration just kept mounting all night, and I definitely think I would have better served myself just to stay home. Ah well. We make the choices we make, and we have to deal with them. And that's the way life works, and that's the way we learn, and that's just how things are. And sometimes, seemingly bad decisions really aren't, because of what they let you figure out and learn. Decisions are just decisions, in the end.

One thing's for sure though. I've done a lot of growing, at least inwardly (maybe no one else can tell, but I can), this summer and I'm sure it will continue this semester. And it's definitely a good thing. Not necessarily easy, but good. Oh, and another sure thing. UCCS is not my school. Never will be. Notre Dame is my school. Despite what happens, what I decide for sure, Notre Dame is my school. And that's all there is to it.

Yesterday I had thought that I could maybe go to St Mary's afternoon Mass after my first class on T/Th, thinking it is at 12:15, so today after class got out (at 12:05, the normal time we get out) I went and started driving in that direction. When I looked at my watch and it said 12:10, I suddenly realized that Mass starts at 12:10, not 12:15. I just always have :15 in my head for weekday Masses that don't start at like :00 or :30 or something, probably because at ND I always went to the 5:15 one. But anyway, so I was like...hm I could just pull a U-ie instead of turning left onto Nevada (as I wasn't that far away from campus yet), but then I just thought, no I'll go anyway, and just be there. So by the time I finally got there (around 12:20 or a little later) they were already at the consecration, so I just sat in the very very back, behind the pews even, and just was there. I had already decided, as I was driving, to go to confession afterward. So I did that, and even got the added bonus of the fact that it was Thursday and they have adoration after the Mass on Thursdays. I didn't stay there long, but I still got to be there in the physical presence of Jesus for a little while, and hey that's always just awesome, right? So I went to confession, I was 3rd in line and the two people before me took about as long as I typically do in confession, so it was quick. And I was fast too, of course, as I always am (and no, not because I have nothing to confess. At ALL. Man, if only). I did something new though. I did the kneeling with the thing between me and the priest so he couldn't see me. I've never not done a face to face confession before. It made it easier in a way, so because of that I almost felt like I had cheated. Which, I know, is stupid. But anyway. I'm so glad I finally just went and did it. The whole thing, it was just like someone was pushing me along. I just let myself be led, kind of. I wasn't even really thinking about it, I just did it. I've found that if I think to much, I talk myself out of things I really shouldn't. When I had realized that I would never make Mass in time for it even to count really, I was thinking ah I might as well go back to school and read some more of the Scarlet Letter or something, be productive. But then I was like, there's nothing better I can do for myself right now than go spend some time with God, and go clear up all this stuff I've felt weighing on me for so long, or not even long, but just in general. And of course it was true. On the way back to campus, I felt so good and relieved and lighter, even--but also very raw. It's hard letting things go sometimes. God wants us to give it all to him, and for me anyway that tends to leave me a little bit...spent. But it's soooo worth it. I have to get all the stuff that's built up on me off, and doing that opens stuff and leaves me vulnerable (well, so to speak, not necessarily in every sense of the word) and, yeah. Guess this isn't making much sense. So to recap: Confession, awesome. Letting go (which for me confession is definitely a good starting point), hard, but so necessary and so worth it in the end.

Classes today were pretty good. Apparently in my history class, something like 30 are returning students of this prof (so she must be good), and 36 are history majors. And there's probably 45 in the class. So that's a little intimidating because I'm not a history major, obviously, but yeah. That's ok. English was good--get this, I actually answered something! It wasn't necessarily the answer he was looking for, but it was a correct one, so good for me. I know it's not much of an accomplishment, but you're looking at (reading the words of?) a girl who VERY rarely speaks up much in class. That whole lack of any confidence whatsoever thing. But yeah. And then, get this again, I spoke up in Latin a couple times too. So far it's not that hard, and I'm keeping up well and getting it. I decided that I really should LOVE foreign languages because (big surprise that I would say this) you can't split infinitives in foreign languages. At least, none of the ones I've studied. Very big positive there. But seriously, aside from that, Latin's pretty great because the order of the words isn't terribly important. Makes it a little easier. Anyhoo.

Guess what? I feel incredibly crazy right now. Just all over the place. Unsure of anything. Very confused. Couldn't tell you how I feel or why I feel for the life of me. And yet, I'm in a good mood. I have been so jumbled all week, was jumbled this morning, cried a little on the way back to school after going to St Marys' (and I'm a little sad that I can't make that Mass in time to really attend it), then felt inexplicably better yet still very jumbled, just more at peace, then happy when I got home, then frustrated at Bible study, then happy again when talking to Kristina afterward, and now I'm just...in a good mood. Things are so crazy and definitely not what I'd like them to be, for the most part, right now, and although I get to sleep in tomorrow a little bit I do have to go to work and that's not very exciting or happy-inducing to say the least, yet...I'm ok. Right now. I think. Eh I don't know. I've kind of stopped trying to figure out how I feel lately. I just couldn't tell ya for sure, so if you ask me, I'm just gonna say fine. Maybe. Guess it depends. Ok I'm rambling horribly. Know what I've realized recently (as in this week)? I have two years before I graduate. And I have NO IDEA what the heck I want to or should or am planning on doing afterward. Most people my age have been worrying about this problem since high school, or at least freshman or sophomore year. Me? Doesn't kick in till beginning of junior year. Hm...Yeah, there's the maybe writing or something like I did this summer, but despite people telling me I'm at least fairly good at it, I don't really believe them that I'm good enough to be paid to do it. And I don't know if I would really want to do it for a living. Don't know that I wouldn't, either. But seriously, I wrote what, three articles? That's not exactly a good gauge to tell anything. But who knows. Maybe I'll get more involved with the Irish Rover if I go back to ND. (I wrote one article for them last year, pretty much at the beginning of the year, and that was it.) But yeah. Seeing as how I only have two years, my plan of meeting someone and getting married shortly after graduation probably won't happen. So I should probably start seriously thinking about what I want to do. But there's other, more immediate things to think about before that, right?

Oh yeah, I printed off the syllabus for my comparative religions class today, and it says we have our last class on Dec. 20. I'm pretty sure that has to be wrong, since finals week ends the 16th, and so I'm pretty sure that it wouldn't be possible to have class after finals and after grades are due...so I'm hoping and assuming that that is a typo. Or something. He did say, I think, that he had to make some changes to the syllabus yesterday, but I assumed he had done that already since he had to put it into his folder last night for us to access it. But we'll see. I won't worry about it yet, but I don't really think that would make me altogether too happy if it's true. Anyway though.

Guess I should maybe go to bed or something. No plans for tomorrow, before work. Sigh. I hope this whole making me work pretty much every day that I'm not in school thing doesn't last. I know I said I wouldn't complain, last night or something like that, but seriously...it's not cool. I need my downtime, I need a day at least to myself. Just because Tuesdays through Thursdays I can't work, doesn't mean I don't do anything. And I'm sorry, but I'm not a workaholic, and there are things more important to me than money or my job. Sigh. Oh well.

Wow this is long. Totally didn't intend it to be. Alas, I guess I'm good at making things longer than I intend, aren't I? (I mean, I am the person who always complains about how long writing assignments are, and then has to work to get it under the max page limit...)

Goodnight! (Oh, and go to confession. It does WONDERS.)

I guess I can't fight it anymore...

I'm hooked, and that's all there is to it. I can fight it if I want to, but it'll all be a pointless waste of energy, so I might as well not even try.

And you know what? I'm ok with that.

Break!

I was doing fairly well with the productivity thing tonight. Managed to read like...30 pages...hm not so good...of Scarlet Letter (I did kind of doze off for a bit though), and I did my Latin homework (which entailed translating 20 sentences, not too bad). And then of course I let myself get distracted. Actually, I did the getting distracted after the reading, before the Latin. And now I'm still being unproductive. I want to read probably at least another 30 pages of Scarlet Letter before that class tomorrow (so I'll have some time to do it between history and English), but I also want to get some more of the history reading done--of which there is a lot--even though we don't have to have it all read until next Tuesday. I have read some of it (go me), but not really that much compared to how much there is to read. So I should go get on that I think. Unfortunately I'm just on this side of a headache. I didn't have coffee today, until like 5ish anyway, so that may be part of it. I think I should take care of it now though before it turns into something worse. In my experience, if I go to bed with a headache, I wake up with a worse one. And we just don't want that.

Just one thought, though, before I go. Nathaniel Hawthorne sure does like his commas, man.

Gotta be productive!

I just want to write for a little while, because I have quite a bit of reading to do (although not all for tomorrow, luckily), and I really shouldn't start the semester by getting behind...might as well make a little bit of an effort at first anyway. hehe.

I had comparative religions today. It was fairly interesting, even if it was a 2 hour 40 minute class (mostly lecture). He said he'll typically give us a break or two so we're not just sitting for close to three hours listening to him. So that's a good thing. But yeah. The only bad thing about that class is the fact that when it gets out, it's the middle of rush hour, and the intersection at Union and Austin Bluffs is pretty crappy at rush hour (the line of traffic goes from the light pretty much all the way up the hill on Austin Bluffs), but it could be worse. Once you pass Union, most of it clears up for the most part. But yeah.

I came to some conclusions today about the whole school thing. Well, I'm discovering some things about myself, I think, that are slightly surprising to me. Not sure if I want to go into the whole thing here, but basically it comes down to the fact that I still have a bit of maturing to do in some areas. To say the least. (Everyone reading this goes "Duh!") And while I'm obviously not quite prepared at the moment to say a definite regarding what I'll be doing next semester (it's only been two days. I should probably give myself at least a week. haha), I'm realizing some things about why I decided what I did last semester, and I think that if I hadn't decided that, I might not have come to some conclusions that I now have come to, and I might not have realized some things that I now realized, and I might still be in the same place mentally that I was last semester. So. That said, I'm just going to accept this semester for what it is, take things easy, not obsess over classes too terribly much, and trust God that things will work out as they're supposed to. Sometimes you have to take the wrong path to realize what path you are supposed to be on. Sometimes maybe that "wrong path" was really the right path to take to get you to the rest of the right path. All I know for sure is that I have to start trusting God a whole heck of a lot more than I have been. That's a big part of this for me, the whole decision process. I just don't put my trust in God like I should. I mean, I trust that God knows what he's doing, but I still to an extent refuse to let him take the reins in my life, not necessarily out of stubbornnes or anything, but just simply out of an I want to maintain as much control over situations as possible. So, I need to work on that. I also need to work on stopping myself from obsessing over this while in class and whatnot, and thus being distracted and not paying attention...not so good. So anyway.

And as for the job thing, yeah it sucks, but I've decided to just suck it up (what else am I gonna do?) and work the hours I have, and get money (I'll hopefully have a lot more money in my account after this semester, or at least have some of my debts paid off somewhat, and definitely more than I would were I at ND working--especially considering the fact that after loans, for this semester I'm only paying like $500 at the most out of pocket, and then like $2700 or something in loans--and thus, perhaps if there's a bowl game or something in the future (oh, I hope I hope I hope!) and I somehow through some miracle were to get tickets for it, I'd be able to pay without feeling too guilty...but I'm getting ahead of myself with that. Having said this, though, I'm not sure I'll still feel that way come December and holiday season, when I have a feeling that I'll start to get very frustrated at having to work retail. Can't imagine that'll be fun, especially when I'll be probably having to work more hours, in addition to doing final essays and such. Of which I'll have three. And a final. So...yeah. Maybe I'll quit just in time for that. haha. Probably wouldn't be too good. Anyway, again getting ahead of myself.

Something came via FedEx today (or actually, by a neighbor who had it delivered to his house--5010 or something like that, instead of ours, 5110) that made me very happy. That's right folks, tickets to the ND-North Carolina game! So VERY excited for that. Not quite as good as getting to go to all 7 home games (sigh...), but hey, I'll take what I can get. Nothing better mess up that weekend (no freak snowstorms, or terrorist plots, or anything like that. Not allowed. Probably don't have to worry about the snowstorms--knock on wood--considering it's the beginning of Nov, but you never know. With my luck...). Anyway.

With that, I must go read the entire book of The Scarlet Letter tonight. Ok not really, but a good chunk of it anyway. Wish me luck!

Um...weird

Just for kicks, I went to catholicmobile.com, which I had heard about a few months ago and perused, and listened to their "All Glory, Laud and Honor" ringtone. The one that I would get if I were to get one. I think I had been thinking about it because today in Latin my prof showed us the verb "laudere" which means, of course, to praise. She mentioned that song. So I went to listen to it (because I'm a fan of it), and even though it's all...cell-phony and whatnot, the minute I heard those first notes, I got this like intense...not whiff, but something like that, of incense, and this strong feeling of being at the Basilica. Probably because most of the times I've heard that song, it's been there. Man I miss incense at Mass. But that was weird how strong it was. Hm.

And there's more

I forgot to mention...I think...that I'm going to have to buy all the rest of my history books at the bookstore, because it's just not really any cheaper to get them online. Assuming there's still used ones, which there were today. I'll go early tomorrow (before my one class, which isn't until 1:40). so yeah.

Ok, I was just watching some 20/20 thing, and they had a story about people who freeze-dry their dead pets. Well, they don't do it, this taxidermist guy does. I'll admit, I used to think I'd want to do that with Kebbie. Back when I was like...10. Or 9. Yeah. But seeing that, it's just creepy. I mean, I love my pets almost more than anything, but I don't think I'd be able to handle seeing them all the time, just staring at me, knowing they weren't alive...yeah. Just slightly weird. Or very. The better choice, I think, is just for Kebbie to live forever. That'd take care of it. But honestly, I'd even just take another...two years. 14's not that old...

Man, those news magazine shows are always so doomsday-y. Everything's always bad news. Why don't they have uplifting stories like, ever? I guess those don't sell as well as bad news.

Every time I think about work, I cringe a little inside. Or, I cringe a lot inside. Ugh. Guess I should just cherish the next two days I have off, as I'll have to work the next four days in a row after that. And between 7-8 hours each three of those four days.

And now, a Friends quote. "Oh I'll prove it. I'll prove it like a theorum!" Oh Ross.

Ok, so I'm really trying not to notice it when people split infinitives. It's the dumbest thing to let bother me. It's just one of those things, though. We all have them. Those things that people do that reallllly grate on you, and you can't help but notice when people do them. For me, generally the biggest ones are that one, when people say "I could care less" when they really mean "I couldn't care less," and when people REFUSE TO DRIVE THE SPEED LIMIT. Sorry. I enjoy driving, but when I'm in the front of the pack, and thus not being held up by people who insist on going 5-10 below the speed limit. Honestly, is it hard to drive at least the speed limit? Apparently it is. Oh sorry, guess I got off on a rant there. I'm done now.

So tonight I read something about peppermint hot chocolate. And it made me remember all those wonderful special holiday flavors Starbucks gets at Christmas. (And how I'm going to miss all that from the Starbucks at school, where I can get Starbucks all the time and not feel guilty--aside from the calorie and fat content--because I use already-paid-for money to buy it.) Mmmm they're so good. Can't wait.

I decided tonight that I want to try and make as many Christmas presents this year as I can. The only problem is, the only things I can think to make are food items (which are ok for friends and whatnot) and knitted things. And I'm not sure how many people really want to get something knitted from me. But seriously, the whole buying presents thing is starting to get to me. It's not that I don't want to get anything for other people, and just let them all get stuff for me, it's that my whole indecisive thing is getting to the point where unless I know EXACTLY what someone wants, I am almost terrified to buy anything for anyone because it might not be something they want. I can't even buy a freaking card without spending at LEAST 20 minutes trying to find the "exact right perfect one." It's ridiculous. Not sure how making a gift would be easier (especially considering the fact that I doubt I have much time for knitting more than a couple of sweaters)...but at least then I would put some real effort into it, instead of just at the last minute picking out something fairly random...We'll see.

Seriously though. This indecisiveness is getting bad. I sometimes wonder if I just play into it, because it's who I am, or if it's something deeper. I really do hate it. But I have no idea how to change. It's not like I can just suddenly not be indecisive. It's like I seriously just don't know what I want, with anything. How can I make a decision on anything if I don't really know myself enough to know what I want? But then, how do I figure out what it is that I want? It's so very frustrating. And it's frustrating for everyone around me, I'm sure. What kind of a person doesn't know what she wants? (I'm tempted to say, the kind who's a people-pleaser and just wants to make the decisions that'll make other people happy, or the kind who's always just squelched whatever it is she's want for what someone else wants. But if I did say that, I'm more or less be passing the blame off on other people, in general, instead of taking any responsibility for myself, when in reality, we choose who we want to be. Not that it's always easy, but we do. Or should, anyway.) I don't know. And I don't know what to do about it. But I do know that if I don't change, eventually I'm maybe going to meet someone, and maybe get engaged, and from that moment until the minute I'm walking down the aisle, I'm constantly going to be questioning whether or not it's the right thing, or if it's what I want, and knowing me I'll keep wondering even after it's all said and done. And that's a place I just don't want to find myself.

Sorry. Enough whining from me. I just...I think I need a lot of prayers. And maybe some clarity.

First day

Today was weird. First day of classes at UCCS (for me, anyway). I got there with plenty of time to spare before my first class, just in case I couldn't find parking. But the lot that's second to closest to the building 2 of my 3 classes today were in had tons of spots open. There's a parking lot that's right next to that buildling, but I figured it'd probably be pretty full, and the little extra walking would do me good. So I'm not too worried about parking now. My first class, history, was ok. Apparently like half the class, at least, out of the something like 45 people, are people who have had that prof before and liked her enough to come to another of her classes. I think that's probably a pretty good sign. She seems ok. There's kind of a lot of writing, but nothing too overwhelming. The only thing is, I thought we only had two books for that class (because that's all that was on the list when I looked it up a few weeks ago), and it turns out we have 7. Oh well. It'll probably cost me another $50 or something. Life goes on. After that class, I went to lunch with Cathy at Souper Salad, which was nice. I probably ate more than I should have (and I had soda...bad Susie), but oh well. Came back to school, went to my English class. It was slightly awkward once the prof got to attendence, because he read off everyone's major after they said "here", and when he got to me and saw that I was undeclared, yeah it was awkward. He was like "A little late in the game, huh?" I said something about how I was figuring it out, or something, and he joked about me being indecisive (true) and afraid of commitment (hm, possibly). Oh well again. That class doesn't seem like it'll be terrible at all, just three essay exams, the last one due Dec. 5th. Nothing else. (And my history class doesn't have exams either, just a "thought paper" 8-10 pages due Dec 12.) And the prof there seems pretty fun too. Despite his lack of caring about pets. (He doesn't think humans and animals should cohabit. Although I think that was said partly in jest.)

After that class, I stopped in a computer lab (only because I happened to see one on my way out of the building) to see if, first, the library (either at school or the public library) had the two books I currently don't have that I have to read by Tuesday. Parts of them anyway. The public library didn't have either, and the school library only had one of them. I checked half.com real quick to see the prices compared to the used price at the UCCS bookstore, and decided to get the one that neither library had, since the lowest price on half.com wouldn't have been much cheaper if at all, especially when shipping is taken into consideration. So I went to my car, moved it to the lot right outside the building my last class is in, and went to the bookstore (which was right by that lot too). Then I went to the library, but asked (because I assumed it would be true) if I had to have my student ID to get a book out, and I did. So I still had over an hour before my next class, and went to get my ID. Happened to run into Ray right after I left the student center. So he went with me because his next class was the same time as mine. It didn't take too long to get my ID, although I was slightly sad that I had to get it then because I didn't look great. Oh well. The picture could be worse. After that I went and got that book (even though it turns out it's the wrong edition, oh well though). Then Ray and I just sat outside the science building, where my Latin class is, until it was about time to get to class. And then it was time for Latin.

It was ok. There's like 20 people in the class, it's a teeny classroom, but pretty much the whole wall on the south side (my right, when I'm sitting) is a big window. I love having windows. Especially when the view is the mountains, even if it's just a part of them. But yeah. I realized today that Latin is as long as my Wednesday class, even though it's two days a week. An hour and 40 minutes. But it's ok. The only thing is, of course next Thursday (the 31st) we have our first test. Ugh. I told my teacher right after class, and she was very understanding about it, and said since it's so early I shouldn't do it before the real test, I'll do it after we get back from break (which, as it turns out, is not only Monday--Labor Day--but also Tuesday. Sweet!). So that's good. I'm not usually one to miss class, so it's weird for me to be missing three classes next Thursday, but hopefully it'll be worth it. (EDIT: Ok, so my Wednesday class is an hour longer than my Latin class. But still, Latin's longer than the other T/Th classes.)

So that was my day. I'm pretty optimistic about my classes. Hopefully I'll do ok in all of them. It's just so bizarre to be at a school that's not Notre Dame, and to drive home at the end of the day, and all that. I keep comparing it all to ND. Of course. It's definitely not helping me make a decision. Or maybe it is. I just can't tell. Sigh. Hey, who wants to tell me what to do? Man, I can't believe I'm voluntarily missing this football season. In real life anyway. In person, I mean. But here's the way I'm trying to start to get myself to look at it. Lots of people go study abroad, right? Lots of them do it in the fall. This is just my "study abroad." Although not. But yeah. And after that...we'll just have to wait and see. But for now, tomorrow I have philosophy. The class I was most unsure of when I registered. Hopefully it'll exceed my expectations, low as they are.

I'm in a negative mood tonight

Today wasn't the best day. In fact, it quite sucked. Not really anything in particular, just in general. I have to go to school tomorrow. That in itself is never a good thing. For some reason it surprises people when I say that I'm not really excited to go back to school. Are people really honestly excited about the school part of school? I personally can't wait to be done with it. (Of course, I say that now, who knows what I'll think once I am done--if ever. haha. just kidding.) But yeah, so there was that. And then I had to go to work tonight, which for some reason made me less than a happy camper. I don't know. Lately I've been getting close to dreading going to work. Mostly when I have to work with Michael, and that's mostly because at work it seems like nothing's ever quite good enough for him. When I work with him, it seems like the first half hour or so that I'm there I have to hear about everything wrong any of us did since the last time I saw him. I don't know. It gets old. (And I get to work with him this Friday, Saturday, Sunday, and Monday--like 7.5 hours each three of those days.) But tonight I was working with Brenda. She's always fun. I like her. But then, I saw the schedules for the next three weeks, up through September 16. And that did not put me in a good mood. At. All. So I have to work this Friday and Saturday, 1:30 and 2 to 9:30, as we all know. Then I have to work Sunday as well, 2:30-6:30. Then I get to work Monday 1:30-9:30, and Wednesday 6-9:30. Nothing else next week because I'm leaving Thursday, so yeah. But then it gets worse. The following week, I have to work Monday, Friday, and Saturday from 1-9:30 all three days. So, if you're keeping track, that would be like...the 4th or 5th Friday in a row (not counting next Friday as I won't be home, but if I were I could almost guarantee having to work Friday night) that I've had to work at least Friday night, if not most of the day. And then, after working Friday and Saturday all day both days, I have to work the following Sunday 2:30-6:30, then Monday and Friday--again--1:30 to 9:30. But hey, surprise here, I get that Saturday (the 16th) off. Ugh.

I know I guess I should be happy that I'm making money and whatnot, but I start to go a little crazy, get very pent up and frustrated, if I don't have downtime, or nights to relax. And come on, all those Friday nights in a row? Good thing I don't have a social life normally, because that'd kill it if I did. It's just frustrating. And based on this, I doubt that pattern will be changing much. I have a feeling I'm going to be having to work every single Friday night. And ugh all those 7.5, 8 hour days. It's one thing to have an 8 hour workday if you're in an office or something, but working retail 8 hours a day SUCKS. Especially in a small store when there's nothing to do. We're done with the reinvent now, so things are all in place and whatnot, so there's not a whole lot to do like there has been the past few weeks. Maybe there will be more things to do, I don't really know. But ugh. I don't know. It's just frustrating me. And then the whole being at Wilsons thing, I just feel so inadequate. I guess I'm finally getting my numbers to where they're comparable to at least the other sales associate, but they're still not great, and I hate the pressure I feel from it. I hate it because I can't really help it. I can't force people to buy stuff. I can't steal sales from whoever else I'm working with.

Ok enough about work. Suffice it to say, I'm a little fed up. But it could just be a whole mess of stuff bothering me tonight, and work happens to get the majority of my ire. Of course, that schedule thing really doesn't make me happy no matter what else is going on. (I almost feel like I'm getting punished for asking off next weekend, for Steve's wedding. Or at the very least, like I shouldn't be complaining, because hey I got a weekend off! ugh.)

I suppose I really should get to bed. I hate being in moods like this. I've just been so pissy lately. And my poor parents, I think, are taking much more than they deserve. Well, they don't really deserve any of it. PMS for sure, or just all the stress finally getting to me. Or a combination. Or something different entirely. Who knows. All I know is, I have to go to class tomorrow, and I just don't want to. Or maybe I just don't care. Eh heck if I know what I'm feeling lately. I sure can't figure it out.

Sucks to feel this way

I went to UCCS today to get my parking permit. I should have gotten my ID too, but I didn't. Oh well. It'll give me something to do tomorrow between classes, as I hopefully won't get loaded up on homework yet. But all of a sudden, it's really hitting me hard. All the stuff I'm missing out on that'll be going on at ND this semester. It's so frustrating. I'm frustrating. Apparently I really am that hard to please. But honestly, I'm almost ready to say that I'll definitely go back to ND next semester. I'm not going to say that, though, because not only do I not trust my feelings at this point, there's still to many unknowns. But one thing's for sure. I'm rather depressed at the moment. (Of course, there's nothing that says I wouldn't be depressed had I gone back to ND. I have no idea how I'd feel.) And I miss my ND people. :-(. Sigh. Oh well. This is my life this semester, so that's the way it is.

3 Things That Scare Me
Being completely alone in the world
Spiders
Losing someone close to me

3 People That Make Me Laugh
Conan O'Brien
Lauren
My dad

3 Things I Love
Lord of the Rings (any of it)
My mountains
My Kebbie

3 Things I Hate
People who misrepresent the Church
Being indecisive
Being stuck

3 Things I Don’t Understand
Why people don't think abortion is murder
Why I can't make a decision to save my life
Why 90% of people in this city don't know how to drive at least the speed limit

3 Things On My Floor (only three?)
Kebbie
A clothesbasket
More pairs of my shoes than I'd like to admit

3 Things I’m Doing Right Now
Being sad
Wasting time before I have to leave for work
This

3 Things I Want to Do Someday
Get married
MEET THE POPE
Be satisfied

3 Things I Can Do
Knit. Well, things like blankets and scarves, anyway.
Read
Write (and maybe this year sometime, I'll become a paid writer!)

3 Ways to Describe My Personality
Indecisive
Introverted
Easily amused

3 Things I Cannot Do
Become organized
Speak...pretty much any language besides English and little bits of Spanish and French (and soon Latin!)
Create sperm. Hehe sorry. Just popped into my head. Hey, it is true.

3 Things I Think You Should Listen To
Norah Jones
The Catholic Church (these aren't in any order...)
Any of the songs on the Relaxing Classical Music albums

3 Things I Think You Should Never Listen To
Michael Moore (hahaha)
The devil
Crappy hard rock/rap/"music" that's full of bad language and bad images and whatnot

3 Absolute Favorite Foods
Pizza
Chipotle
Ice cream. Any kind, anywhere.

3 Things I’d Like to Learn
Latin


3 Beverages I Drink Regularly
Water
Coffee...mmmmmm
Soda, I guess (although fairly infrequently lately)

3 Shows I Watch
Conan...at least the first 15 minutes
Reruns of Friends/Simpsons/Just Shoot Me/those other ones on late at night
Jeopardy...when I'm around while it's on

Um...

I'm not sure how I feel right now. I keep thinking about how, if I hadn't made the decision I did back in March, I'd be back at school right now. Everyone else is at school right now. It's...bizarre, that this whole life I had out there is going on without me. So weird.

Back here in Colorado land, today was fairly typical. We went to Mass at 9:30, and Fr. Jerry said it, and it was ok. I kept realizing how lackluster the songs were, and how they seem to be the same ones we've been singing for the past however many weeks. I don't know. Oh well, could be worse. The homily was interesting enough, but as Mom pointed, out, it was a homily that really had very little to do with the Gospel. I'm trying to think if it related to the first two readings much, but I don't remember. But today's Gospel was one of those kind of big, important ones, you know, "For my flesh is real food, and my blood is real drink. He who eats my flesh and drinks my blood abides in me, and I in him." Kind of important. But not mentioned at all in the homily. So that's kind of a missed opportunity. Oh well. Again, could be worse I guess. (Warning: girly section, more or less supierficiality coming up.) I wore one of my new skirts at Mass. I absolutely love it. It's a chocolate brown, so it doesn't go with everything, but it ends at least a few inches below my knees and the style is absolutely awesome. I just felt so feminine in it, and I don't know about you but I for one don't mind feeling feminine. I don't understand why women went all "down with skirts, in with man clothes." Sure, pants are nice too, but I look at old styles from when it was still fairly normal to wear dresses or skirt sets on a regular basis, and I wish it was like that again. I guess it's not hard to find skirts now, but it is hard to find skirts that are longer than like three inches of fabric, total. I mean, there's feminine, and there's..."ooh look at me, look at my legs, should I hike my skirt up a little more for you?" Ok, sorry, that's a tad mean. So anyway. I'm rather ecstatic about this skirt. It's quite lovely, and that makes me quite happy.

I'm not looking forward to this week. Tomorrow I have to go into the Herald, and hopefully I can manage to leave a little early. I have to go over to UCCS after that and get my parking permit (I just got the regular one. Made the most sense.), and possibly my ID--no, I haven't gotten it yet. If I don't get it tomorrow I can always do it between classes on Tuesday, since I'll have plenty of time and not much to do. So after that tomorrow, I have to work at 5:30. Never finished cleaning my desk area, so I should do that soon too. And then Tuesday classes start. I guess when I really sit down and think about it (which I don't, really), I'm not dreading classes much at all. I hope it goes well, but I can barely make myself care either way for some reason. So I'll be at school until after 6, go home, hopefully relax, then Wednesday I don't have to be at school until 1:20 which is nice, and Thursday's the same as Tuesday, then Friday and Saturday...ugh...1:30 and 2 until 9:30. Oh well. I can do it. I can make it. But one really bad thing about this week? Apparently Katie is out of town all week for a wedding or something, so I can't go this week, and I missed last week. So my back isn't too happy at all right now. But I will survive. People survive much worse every day of the week.

Well, guess I should...go do something else. Bye.

Today's thoughts

I know it's still only August, but man I keep wishing it would be December already. Today particularly brought out the winter-lust in me. It was cloudy and drizzly most of the day, and because of that it was fairly cool. And for dinner Mom made homemade chicken noodle soup, which was excellent by the way, but just reinforced the it-should-be-Advent-time thoughts in me. And at JCPenney today, Mom asked me what I thought about this one red shirt, and I said it makes me think of Christmas. Hehe. Anyway.

Have any of you ever heard of SPANX? I want to get a pair. They apparently work really well, and you either hate them or you love them. But hey, pain is beauty, right? Or...beauty is pain? Hm...either way. I want to try some.

Wanna see a hilarious picture I came across today?




















Ok, so it's a bit more pixelated than when I saw it. But how sad/embarrassed does that dog look? haha. it's hilarious! (The face, not necessarily the fact that the dog's pissed off...)

Jason's bald. Hehe. I guess not entirely. He has hair. Just not much of it. Tonight we went to the play area at Chapel Hills, and we could always find him by looking for the short bald kid. hehe. It's funny. He really doesn't have a whole lot of hair for an almost 1 1/2 year old. If you've ever seen the SNL commercial for baby toupees, well, that's Jason. hehe. He could use one. Ok not really. But it's funny. He's so cute.

Hm...I just remembered that I attempted a go at cleaning my room this afternoon...and promptly abandoned said venture after maybe an hour (while watching Lord of the Rings, which excited me). Cathy came over, and we were going to go to the mall, but then we were going to wait for Mom and Dad to come back from swimming, and that took slightly longer than expected, and then the mall took a little while, and then we ate a scrumptious dinner, and then I watched Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid with Mom and Dad, because by then I had completely forgotten about the room-cleaning thing. (The movie, by the way, was...hm, I guess I'd have to say not entirely what I'd call a classic. But good enough I guess. And man is it creepy how similar young Robert Redford looks to Brad Pitt. Very weird. I kept almost thinking it was Brad Pitt.) So now, here it is, close to midnight and there's stuff on my bed I'm going to have to move. I did make a slight bit of progress (even managed to throw some stuff out! Quite the accomplishment for this ultimate pack rat), but as always, when cleaning things tend to get messier before they get cleaner. Mostly what I'm focusing on is the area in front of my desk, and then my desk. It'd be nice to have a place to do homework and whatnot. Not that I've ever really done homework at my desk before...well I guess in college I have, but almost NEVER when at home. We'll see how it works out. Either way, I want it clean. And then I'll move to the crap on the floor at the foot of my bed. I don't think that'll be as much of a pain to clean, though.

Anyway, I guess I should get to that now. We're going to the 9:30am Mass, so I'll have to be up by 8 probably. Hm...shower now, or in the morning? Showers are always so inconvenient to take. And the biggest inconvience is my hair. If I take a shower in the morning, and then blowdry my hair when it's still fairly wet, it gets a lot frizzier than I'd like it to be. If I let it airdry, it gets horribly frizzy as well. If I take a shower at night, I always put my hair up in a bun type deal, without drying it at all, and then in the morning I blowdry it to get it all the way dry--but that way, generally at least the top of my head isn't frizzy for some reason. But then sometimes it's wavy, and I have to straighten it awhile to get it straight. It's all just a pain. And man, what a prissy girl I'm sounding like, eh? I really don't agonize over my hair that much, but it does factor quite a bit into my shower-taking decisions. (As in when to, not if to. I do take showers, mostly every day, don't worry about that.)

Ok enough of this. I'm getting loopy now. I guess I'll go clean off my bed, take a shower, and sleep for awhile. Sounds good to me.

I just don't like it

So, you know how a lot of people have smilies that look like this: :-) or something similar? That's what I do, and that's what I think looks normal. However, I've seen some people who use this as their smilie: XD. I read that, and at first just read out x and d. And then I realize it's supposed to be a smilie. And then I gag. Haha not really. But I just don't like it. Of course, there's a lot of things people do/write online that I hate. (How r u? I'm gr8. ...I can't think of other stuff because it's so far out of the realm of my understanding...It takes more work for me to do that crappy abbreviated stuff than to actually write out the correct words. But I guess that's just me.)

I need to rant (AKA long post ahead)

I must be PMSing. When I came home tonight (after a rather tough 8 hours at work) I was in a pretty good mood. Then I went up to change, and I got my retainer as I'm apparently supposed to bite down with it in, switching sides since it doesn't fit both sides at the same time yet, and do that for a little while every day or something until it pops in. I don't see how it's going to work, and it just got me so frustrated when I was doing it (and it's making me frustrated thinking about it again), and by the time I just got fed up with it and put my regular #50 in, I was absolutely pissed off. And everything just caught up with me, I think. Stress from today, from the week, about next week, etc. I was told today that I will have to work Sunday night, from 5:30 to 10:30, because apparently there's more to do than Michael thought or something. I was hoping maybe that would mean reducing my hours either next Friday or Saturday, but no. So now I get to work Sunday night, Monday night, Friday afternoon-night, and Saturday afternoon-night. And next Sunday too, probably 2:30-6:30. And with my luck, probably the next Monday night again. Ugh. I need time to myself. I feel like I've barely gotten to relax this week, and I don't see next week being much better. Sure, Tuesday and Thursday I'll have more time to myself, but I'll also be getting homework. Same with Wednesday. I'm looking forward to Wednesday because I only have to be in class 1:40-4:20 or something like that. That'll be nice. But yeah, I'm stressed. And then there's the crappy parking situation. I have no idea what I'm going to do. Apparently parking permits go fast, so there's a chance they don't even have any left anyway. I was thinking of getting this one that's like $75 (I think for the semester, but I'm not sure), and it's for a parking lot that's a little bit down the hill from the main buildings, and any other parking lot after 4:15 and on Fridays, but even if they have those left I'm not sure because of how fast it might fill up, and...yeah. And then Kristina told me about this church that's like a 10 minute walk away, but it kind of sucks in the winter...so I don't know. I have to figure it out, though. I had been thinking about doing the bus, but there's a few reasons that would suck. One, the schedule that I saw didn't seem all that great, and there's nowhere terrrribly close that would be a bus that goes to UCCS, and for a few of them that do there wouldn't be a bus for me to take back at the end of my Tuesday/Thursday. Plus, I really would prefer to have access to a car, for example if I got out of class early or something, or if I had something to do, like an errand...yeah. Sigh. I don't know. I don't mind walking, really. I need to exercise more. But yeah. ...

So there's some current stresses. And now it's out of my system, so I'm better.

I just read something that described someone as being in a "long-term marriage." What the heck does that mean? I mean, I guess in the context it was in it could just mean they've been married for awhile, but it just sounds weird. Marriage to me always means long-term. Hm.

Ok, so I have sort of a dilemma at the moment. I know how it'll turn out, and it won't be in the way that makes me feel like I did the right thing. So, Mom sent out an email yesterday, a Peter update. (He hadn't called since he left, even to say he got there ok or anything, so Mom finally emailed...the army? and I guess asked for his address or something. She did that yesterday morning. In the afternoon, after I was already at work and apparently right before Mom got home, Peter called and said something like "So you guys called here?" I guess when whoever got that email, they told him to call home. Of course, Dad didn't know anything about this so didn't ask for his address, so we still don't know it.) In her email, mostly to extended family I guess, she told everyone that he was at basic, etc, and that we don't yet know his address, etc. Got a reply today (he replied to everyone on the original list) from my cousin, who's in the Air Force. He told us a generic-ish email that he said isn't the best, but it should get to Peter. He also had a list of suggested good items to send. He told us what he is planning on sending to Peter. One of those includes some Maxim magazines. I had to look twice when I read that because he stated it so matter-of-factly. Ok, Maxim isn't exactly Playboy, but in my mind it's closer to that than it's not. Yeah, maybe I'm a prude. But I prefer to think of it as wanting to maintain modesty in people's minds. Sure, I'm not perfect, but geez, I'd rather not have people put in the path of temptation--and let's face it, that's at least half the point of those types of magazines. My dad compared it to Cosmo. Doesn't make me feel much better. I'm most definitely and adamantly not a fan of Cosmo. Seriously. In my opinion, there is pretty much nothing redeeming about that magazine, or others like it. So anyway, I guess I didn't mention my dilemma. I'm tempted to email my cousin and tell him not to send Peter those magazines. Very tempted. I know it's not really my business, entirely, but...well yeah. However, I know I ultimately will do nothing about it, because A) I hate confrontation of any kind, generally (I guess unless it's my immediate family, you know how that is), and B) I especially hate telling people stuff like that because I feel like I'm trying to shove my beliefs down peoples' throats, or I feel like I'm taking things too seriously, or being too...uptight, maybe, about things. Even though I really believe in those things, at least in part because generally they are things that the church teaches...anyway. I'm rambling. Whatever.

So about work tonight. Today. I went in at 1, and like two minutes later this lady came in, picked out one of our men's Nascar jackets, and brought it up to the register. Lucky me, the only other person clocked in at that point (Michael came and clocked in right after I started ringing this lady out) was helping someone else. So I got a $160 sale right away. Unfortunately it wasn't that great all day, and by the end I had like $445ish, which isn't terrible. My goal for the day was like $510, but to catch up for the week I should have gotten $765. So I'll still be down for the week. My average sale, though, is the highest in the store at the moment, and my UPT (units per transaction--how much stuff you sell each transaction) is second highest. Last night it was highest, with like 2.4, but everything I sold today was just one per transaction, so that brought it down to below 2. Still pretty good though. So yeah. Anyway. There was that part of work today. In addition, the district manager came in, and apparently every time she comes in she makes us switch lots of stuff around. And that was true today as well. She wasn't there all day, but she was there when I came in, and left probably around 3:30 maybe. That whole time, and then for pretty much the rest of the day, we were moving stuff around, making changes, putting together new fixtures, etc. Kind of stressful, but not terrible. I don't know. It just...was. But I found out something. First of all, yesterday came the "official decree" that as of Monday (when we "unveil" our new look and whatnot), we are no longer allowed to wear jeans. Eh, but oh well. However, now apparently in a few weeks we'll only be allowed to wear black pants. I have one pair of black pants, which are quite old and look quite old. So this weekend I'm going to try to find a new pair of black pants. As it is, I have a pair of nice grey pants, and a pair of khakis (which aren't the best fit anymore...a little tight in the butt-al region, unfortunately, especially right after I wash them). I absolutely DESPISE trying to find nice pants. Even khakis. It's hard enough finding tall jeans that fit, but trying to find tall nice pants? Forget about it. However, it looks like it has to be done. I guess the black pants thing isn't terrible, but I just realized a little while ago that it means I can't wear skirts. At least with the no jeans thing I can still wear skirts. I wonder if I'd be allowed to wear a black skirt if it does change to the only black pants thing. Probably not. I only have one black skirt anyway. sigh. Oh well. I won't complain as much if we get the bump up in our discount like I've heard talk of. I doubt that'll happen, but you never know. It'd be so so sweet. We finally have in purses that I would buy for myself. They're $58, which would be a little more than $40 with my discount, and that's more than I want to spend on a purse.

Oh yeah, so update on the bug thing from the other day. (I meant to take a picture of one of the dead--yes, DEAD--ones that are now laying on thatlittle spot behind the backseats, underneath the back windshield. Maybe I will tomorrow. But probably not because, why?) When I left the Herald yesterday, I only noticed one on my car. That's because it had been raining, and was still drizzling a bit. Apparently only an hour or two before, when Dad dropped something off in my car (my messenger bag which I had accidentally left my license and credit cards and stuff in the day before, and realized when I got to the Herald), there was just a swarm of them. He said he's never seen that many together at once. They were just all over, flying around my car and stuff. Makes me absolutely cringe. Oh, and I think I forgot to mention this, but the day before, when there were those three in my car, after I had been at work for a few hours I noticed one on one of the registers. The register is next to the counter under which we keep our purses and stuff, so I don't know if one maybe was in my bag and somehow managed to come up from underneath the counter or something, or if it was just a coincidence. That'd be so gross if it came in on me. Ugh.

Today is the feast of St. Helena. A few people mentioned the Evelyn Waugh book Helena, about her, the one I've been looking for and want to read. Now I want to even more. I guess maybe one of these days I should just buy it. Splurge the $10. We'll see.

I need to go to bed. Tomorrow's my last day in awhile when I don't have anything real to do. Of course, my plan is to clean my room (fun way to spend a day off, right?), as I am soo soooo sooooo sick of it being as cluttered and messy as it is. Whether or not I actually do it, though, is another deal. I do really want to get to the mall or something to get some nice pants. Sigh. Ok. Bed now though.

Not fun

So, I have to work again tonight. I go in at 1 and don't come back until after nine. Next week I have to go in at 1:30, until close (and then next Saturday is 2-close. Neither of which are fun at all). So that means that three weeks in a row I'll have had to work Friday nights each week. The week after next I won't be here, and then I'll be there's a good chance I'll have to work the following Friday. It really sucks. Like, really sucks. I can't work Tues-Thurs once school starts, so I'll probably be having to work a lot of weekends--especially weekend nights, since he likes to schedule me for nights--and Mondays too. Sigh. I'm definitely not a fan of this.

Uh...yeah

This staying up late thing is just not working. And I assume it won't get any better come next week when school starts. Although, I am liking the fact that my earliest class is like 10:50...

At least tomorrow I don't have to be at work until 1.

Watch where you park...

When I go to the Herald, I park in usually the same spot. It's against the fence, on the far end of the parking lot (not that the parking lot is that big), and a tree happens to be growing over that fence a bit. As a result (at least, I think that's why this is happening), lately I've been noticing these beetles on my car as I'm driving home. Usually like on the outside of my windshield or something. Gross, but I can deal with that. (These beetles, by the way, look a little tiny bit like long lady bugs, but their backs are black with just a little bit of red or orange here and there. Maybe a little tiny bit like this.) However, today when I got in and of course saw a few on my car, I thought I noticed something possibly flying in my car. But I figured I was being paranoid. A few minutes later, as I rolled down my windows, I noticed one on my window. So I tried to get it out by rolling the window down all the way, but then it fell on the inside. Sigh. And then I noticed one on the back windshield, on the inside. And one on the inside of the backseat drivers side window, which I currently cannot roll down at all. So I had to drive from downtown all the way up north with these gross bugs in my car, and it wasn't fun. After my Foy appointment, they were of course still there, and then I went to the library. When I came out, I looked, and all three had congregated on the back window, and two of them were mating (because, as my mom pointed out, "what else is the backseat of a car for?"). So now I'm freaked out that I'm going to have these things in my car forever, and they're going to lay eggs or whatever and then I'll have a whole swarm of them just living in my car. It's gross. I'm hoping, though, that a day in the car sitting in the sun will kill them. Hopefully.

Often when driving to or from the Herald, I pass quite a few UPS trucks. There's a UPS building right off of Murray between Galley and Platte, and it seems that when I'm going to the Herald it's around the time that the trucks leave for their deliveries. And sometimes, if I come home late enough, I pass a few on Platte on their way back. Anyway, the point of this is that today I passed a few. And you know how on the bigger trucks they don't have doors on the driver's side? It was one of those, and I just happened to notice something. They have UPS-specific socks! They're brown and say UPS on them. It just really amused me for some reason. Man, I want some sweet brown UPS socks.

We got some new purses in at work in the last few days. There's a couple I really like. Unfortunately, they're like $58, but I'm sure they'll go on sale at some point. Maybe. Anyway. It's kind of exciting.

We went out to lunch today at the Herald. All of us went to Howard's Pit Barbeque, and it was lots of fun and pretty good. They gave Cathy and I some gifts (a lot more than I expected, too), including G.K. Chesterton's Orthodoxy. Which both of us were pretty excited about. Quite enjoyable.

And now, I must go to bed. I don't know why I am still awake. I'm not usually still downstairs at this time, but tonight I am for some reason. Oh well. I pulled a long day on not enough sleep today, I can do it again tomorrow. (Sigh.)

Gross beetles

We wish to welcome you to Munchkin Land!

I discovered a new breed of cat tonight. Well, obviously I didn't discover it, but I found out it exists.

They're called munchkin cats. Pretty funny. I don't think Colt's body would work too well as a munchkin cat. Those little legs wouldn't be long enough to keep her stomach from dragging on the ground!


(and, dangit, I meant to go to bed an hour ago. Well, at least it's not one or two yet.)

Solemnity of the Assumption of the Blessed Virgin Mary

I hope you all went to Mass today. At least, if you're Catholic. I went at 6:30 (AM!!!) with my parents, and it was surprisingly full. I mean, probably like twenty people, but still. More than I'd expect at that early. And the parking lot was fairly full when I drove past it during the 8am Mass. So that's good. But yeah, it was a good Mass this morning. Fr. Mike presided, and I like him. He's a Dominican priest who does a few Masses at Holy Apostles. I don't think he's necessarily on staff, but he's there fairly often it seems. He's cool. Anyway though. The only really weird thing was all of the pews on the main aisle side, on the right side of the altar (if you're facing the altar), were pushed to the back and whatnot, and there were just random chairs where the pews normally are. So lots of us in that section didn't have kneelers or anything (which isn't the end of the world). It was weird though. Apparently they had moved all the pews out of the way because they're installing a new sound system, so they're doing that with all the sections of pews at different times. I just don't get why they didn't think to maybe wait and do it after today. But anyway. Good stuff.

The rest of my day wasn't too terrible either. It was tough running on as little sleep as I got last night (I went to bed later than I should have and I couldn't even fall asleep right away), but I mostly managed. Work went by fairly quickly, I'm sure thanks to the fact that there was actually stuff to do thanks to our "reinvent" that we're in the middle of. Today I had to switch around all the women's wallets and stuff, and then I went around and price checked the jackets on the floor to see if there were any that needed a new price tag, or that were on clearance and thus being transferred out. So that took awhile too, and by the time I was done with both it was I think close to 12 or so (I was off at one). Anyway. The whole time I was there, which included three hours that we were actually open (and one hour before we opened), we had two sales. One for like $20, and one for about $65 (which lucky for me was my sale). Oh well. I guess Tuesday morning's not a huge time for leather buying.

I got Subway after I got off (their daily special, which today was like meatball marinara or something having to do with meatballs, which was actually pretty good), and then went straight to the Herald. Ate my sub once I got there, then worked some more on the questions I was going to use for the interview I had later in the day. But basically the whole time I was at the Herald today was fairly a waste. Not that I'm complaining, I'm just saying. I did read three pages that are ready for editing. I ended up staying until like 4:15 or so because there was nothing else to do. At 4:15, I went over to where I was interviewing (at the St. Francis health center), and after a bit of confusion managed to find it. I was a little late, but oh well. But then when the receptionist or whoever told the lady I was going to be talking to that I was there, she came out and said "I have you down for the 22nd..." Now, when I talked to her last week I could have sworn she said this Tuesday. She said she couldn't do it Friday (I called her last Thursday), and that she'd be gone Monday (yesterday, which was fine with me because I took yesterday off as well), so we made it for Tuesday. Oh well. She had enough time to talk to me before something she had to go to at 5. And then I talked to another lady there, and then I sat and kind of just observed the clinic for awhile. It was surprisingly interesting, and fulfilling. Not sure if I got enough good stuff for the story, but I'll do my best. I couldn't talk to any of the patients, at least not to get quotes for the story, because...something about needing a release form or something. Anyway. I left around 6:15. It was surprisingly nice. Well, "nice" doesn't seem like the right word. I don't know. Oh well. It was what it was.

Another reason today was pretty great was the weather. In most people's opinion, today was dreary. To me, it was lovely. Cloudy and overcast all day, cool, foggy at some points. When I left the health center and was walking to my car, I was facing the mountains. It really was a wonderful view of them too, even with the buildings that were in the line of sight. They almost added to it, because they didn't look all industrial and whatnot. They probably are, and it was probably just the angle, one at which I'm not used to seeing them, but the whole thing just looked awesome. And Pikes Peak had this little strip of cloud hanging on it, maybe halfway down. It was just sitting between hills on the mountains, just there. I love it when that happens. Puffs of clouds and whatnot, or whole lines of a cloud like today, not covering the mountains but enhancing their charming nature. The whole thing made me feel so peaceful. The mountains, and Colorado in general, have a way of doing that.

It's so weird being the only kid at home now. I'm so used to expecting Peter to walk in sometime, and maybe make me change the channel or something (for example, what I'm watching right now--the Celtic Woman concert on PBS), and then I realize he won't be for a long while at least. It's very weird. And really sad. Much as Peter and I tend not to get along too well sometimes, he's still my little brother, and I love him no matter what.

School starts in a week. I'm so not in school mode. It's just not in my consciousness right now, in a way. Oh well. But how's this for great: Next week, my schedule is as follows: Monday, working 5:30 to close. Tuesday Wednesday and Thursday, just my classes. Friday and Saturday (BOTH) I have to work 2-9:30. Ugh. And then I'm going to have to work that Sunday too. So not only do I have to tape Treasure Hunters (did I call it or what?), I have to work all day Friday and Saturday and probably Sunday afternoon. Blech. Although, thinking about it, I am getting the following Friday, Saturday, and Sunday off...so I guess I can't really complain. However, if I keep getting Friday and Saturday all day (yeah yeah, not really "all day") I won't be too happy a camper.

Ok, I guess I've gone on long enough. Sorry I always write so much. But then, I'm not really. (Even though sometimes it feels like all I do is write the same thing over and over, just on different days...oh well.)

Change is never easy

I just flipped to the news, and sports is on. Happened to catch a mention of the Air Force-Notre Dame game in November. Tickets went on sale to general public on Friday, and apparently by this morning were all gone. (I think I had heard that as of Friday night, all that were left were single seats.) They don't mention this with any other Air Force game. Not that it's any surprise. If it's Notre Dame, they will come. No matter where.

So, I think the Treasure Hunter people lied to me last week. I could have sworn that they said this week was the finale (unless they said the beginning of the finale...), but when watching it tonight they mentioned the "live finale next week." I guess on the one hand it's nice that there's another episode to watch, but on the other I was all ready for this to be the last episode. Ten bucks says I'll have to tape it again because I'll be working. Sigh. Oh well. Worse things have happened.

Ok so this is weird. I just read a comment to a post in an lj community about divorced people dating. Well, the original post was someone complaining that when people find out she (I think it's a she) is divorced, there's basically no chance of another date. One of the comments was something along the lines of it's a result of "bad catechesis" because some Catholics think that if you're divorced it means you can't ever remarry. The commenter does go on to say that many don't realize that if there's no impediment from remarrying, it's not a problem. The second part, I'd say I agree with. However, in my understanding, being divorced does generally mean someone cannot remarry. However, having an annulled marriage means there's no impediment, since that first marriage never really existed in the eyes of the church. More or less. But just being divorced without an annulment does mean no second marriage. Well, in most cases I guess. Oh well. Not really my problem. (Well...yeah.)

I really need to get to bed. Tomorrow's going to be a looong day. I'm (planning on) waking up at 6 to go to the 6:30am Mass Holy Apostles is having--they're also having an 8, which I wouldn't be able to make, and a 7pm that I probably would be able to make but it might be close, and Dad can't go to that one--with my parents. Dad has a meeting tomorrow night (ironically, for a committee he's on at church, but apparently the fact that tomorrow's a holy day of obligation slipped their minds when making the meeting for tomorrow night), so he was planning on the 6:30am, and kept telling me I should go, so now Mom and I are both going with him. Should be interesting, because then I have to work from 9-1, after which I'll get lunch somewhere--possibly at home, but we'll see--and then go over to the Herald, and probably hang out there for awhile, and then at 4:30 I have to go interview the president of a program in town that helps low income and uninsured people with medical things like check ups, etc. After I talk to her, I'm hopefully going to be talking to a few of the people they're helping, but the clinic doesn't start until 5:30, so I don't know if I'll be just wandering around for awhile, or if talking to her will actually take an hour (guess it would depend on the questions I have...), but yeah. We'll see. I kind of just want this week to be over with, as just the thought of it is stressing me out.

I really shouldn't be stressing like I am. It's ridiculous and absolutely stupid. It's really nothing. Why do I do this to myself? I really need to make some changes in my life. I'm not just saying that, I'm serious. For one, I really really need to cut down on the TV I watch. It's not like there's usually anything on that I want to watch all that much, but it's just easy to plop down on the couch and stop thinking for awhile. But it's such a stupid waste of time. Especially when so much of what I watch are reruns of shows in syndication, most of which I've seen anyway. Honestly, how many times can you watch an episode of Friends? I mean, some is ok, but for the most part, it's just so stupid. Why do I do it when there are books piling up that I really want to read? What is wrong with me? And that's just one thing. I feel like my life is so jumbled, so disorganized, so out of whack. I absolutely hate it. The past couple days or so, I've been reading a blog I recently discovered of a person who kind of has the life I wish I had. I mean, obviously there are some things about my life I wouldn't change for the world, but there are things and experiences I wish I had been able to have in my life that this person has experienced. And yet, what's the point of saying "Oh, I wish I had done that when I was younger" or "I wish I had that growing up" or whatever. I didn't. I'm just being so stupid right now.

I need to re-center my life. You know, it's no wonder I'm feeling quite out of balance right now, more so than I have all summer, because it's been so long since I've gone to daily Mass. That might sound stupid to some people, but if you've never experience how great you can feel after going to Mass even just a few times a week, it's impossible to understand. I hope my schedule once school starts (next week!) will allow me time to go at least a couple times a week. And like I've been saying for too long now, I really need to get me to confession. It's been too long with that as well. Sigh. There are some things I really miss (and will continue to miss) about being on a Catholic campus, with all that stuff so easily accessible. Not to mention adoration every day, something I definitely did not take advantage of when I was there but wish I had.

Ok, so recap: I want to change. I want to find a better sense of peace and calm than I currently have. (Not hard when you consider how mixed up I am.) I need--NEED--to spend more time with God. And I think a good way to start this attempt at change would be to get my lazy butt up and clean my room already. I hate living in it the way it is, yet I've let it stay that way all summer. Just like I've let myself stay as unfit as I was at the beginning, and have all but given up on my wish to climb Pikes Peak for my birthday. That really pisses me off (aimed at myself, of course). Although, I will let myself say that between interning and working, finding time and energy to drive to the Y to go work out isn't the easiest thing. (I'm gonna say it again--if I had an elliptical or a treadmill or something here, I know I'd be in a lot better shape now.)

Sigh. I need to go to bed before I make myself cry again. Sorry about how whiny and self-centric this post is. Not good, I know. But I needed it.

Finally switched

Ok, I finally decided just to do it. So here's my first new post in this blog. I might still update the other one (slomelette.livejournal.com) but probably not much.

A couple things are on my mind right now. First, the dumb one. I was reading some Catholic blog and whatnot, typically inundated with various Catholic things, while watching Inside Edition (yeah, great choice, I know). They showed what was coming up after the commercial, and it was a thing about picking the swimsuits for the Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition. The first thing that jumped to my totally Catholic mind was, man what kind of Catholic thing would talk about the swimsuit edition in a positive light? And then the next second I realized that usually, watching TV means things that aren't seen in a Catholic light. Somehow I had gotten wires crossed and was thinking I should hear the same values on TV as I was reading online. But alas, not so. Seriously though, some of those bikinis they were showing were ridiculous. And they probably cost huge amounts to buy. Just stupid.

Now, the other thing is considerably bigger. Peter left a little while ago. Mom and dad are taking him up to Denver, from where he's taking a plane to Oklahoma tomorrow morning. No idea when I'll see him again, and I have no idea when the whole family will be together again. As far as we know, the first time Peter will get to come back home is sometime in January, after his ammunitions training or whatever it is (which he does after basic). But, depending on what I decide to do, if I go back to Notre Dame I may miss him coming home. So yeah. It's just so weird and surreal. It'll definitely take some getting used to, that's for sure.