how can I be expected to make this decision? I am incapable of making a decision. One minute I think I definitely want to go to Regis (well, ready to commit enough to go visit and make it that much more real). The next one I think, Notre Dame is so...it's Notre Dame. I tell people I go there, and pretty much always get that "Oh wow, how cool" or "oh wow, you're too smart to be working here". I just was looking at some people's pictures from graduation. And it's like, there's everyone, in their black gowns, outside of the stadium--the Notre Dame stadium--and...it's NOTRE DAME. You know, last year, when deciding whether I should go to Notre Dame to begin with, I kept thinking about their retention number. Or whatever word it is I'm looking for. I think it was something like 96 or 97% of freshmen stay on for their second year. Which is good. Or, whatever the real number was, it's good. But I always thought, well someone's gotta be that 3 or 4%. And I just had this feeling it was gonna be me.
Did I pick Notre Dame last year because it's what God wanted me to do? Sure, I "prayed" about it. But I suck at praying, and trying to listen to what God wants for me. I'm terrible about it. And now i'm paying for it because I just have no idea what to do, or if what I did was right. And I have no idea what he wants me to do now. It's just so hard. It's so hard to make a decision once you stop thinking just about what you want and what seems right, and start thinking about what God wants. I can't tell, so it's harder. If I did what I wanted and just went by that, I would quit Dillards, and I would quit Notre Dame. I think. Man I can't even tell what I want. last year, everything seemed to work out in favor of me going to Notre Dame. Better financial aid, better help from my parents with money, everyone's proud of you and excited when you go to Notre dame, etc. But...that doesn't mean it's what God wanted for me. Even if it seemed like it at the time, just because everything "worked out" to point in that direction.
Man this is hard.
Monday, June 27, 2005
Wednesday, June 15, 2005
Why am I so different?
I just got back from Bible Study. Surprisingly, it's there lately that gets me the most down regarding Catholicism today. More accurately, people's views on Catholicism. Catholic's views on Catholicism. It's like everywhere, Catholics knowingly or unknowingly decide to go against the Church and use contraception. Or go and see movies that are clearly against Catholic teaching. And yeah, what's a sin to one person isn't to another, but people don't seem to get that by going to these movies, they're just allowing it, causing it to be more and more accepted, get more and more money, and things just get worse and worse. If it's not a sin to you, great, but don't give money to something that often causes many others to sin. We're not just responsible for ourselves. I'll be the first to admit that I'm a bad person. I'm a sinner. we all are. One sin is just as bad as another. But if we can lessen the number of sins people commit by choosing to spend our money on movies and things that promote good values instead of casual sex and violence, aren't we called to do that?
Lately, being with my friends makes me just so...unfulfilled. Disappointed. I'm disappointed in so much. But it seems like for some reason I'm an easy target to make fun of. But it's like that everywhere. I'm the boring weird one who doesn't hope for some high paying high stakes career, who believes that contraception is wrong, who doesn't buy into the whole "I'm at college so I should experiment" idea, who wants to have as many kids as God wants, and as soon as He wants (not "I want to be married 5 years before I have kids"). And it's sad that these people, friends I met through church, are the ones making fun of me for those beliefs. I'm sure it's all in good fun. But still. Why am I the exception now? Why have kids become such a...setback in society? Why has sex become such an entertaining thing, something that draws practically everyone? Sex is important. No one's gonna argue that. At least I'm not. But sex has two purposes, and two purposes only, and you can't separate them. It doesn't work when you do. It becomes twisted and perverted when the two purposes are separated. Know what they are? Unitive and procreative. Sex is supposed to be something that a (married) couple experiences so that they can become one together, with God, to have a deeper and more meaningful relationship. And at the same time, sex is supposed to be to have kids. I mean, at its basic primal level, isn't that what it's for? Sex=offspring. That's how it's always worked. More or less. So many things get messed up when you separate these two purposes from each other. In today's society sex has become such a selfish thing. Sex is more for your own pleasure than anything else. No thought to other people's lives. Look at all the one night stands. All the people who have sex one night and then get their hearts broken when the next day their partner breaks up with them. Look at all the abortions. "I want to have sex because it feels good but I don't want to deal with the consequences. I don't want to have a baby."
Sorry. I am so very very annoyed right now. Complaining about this stuff like I am does make me feel a little like a hypocrite. I mean, some of my favorite movies are those that I'm kind of railing against right now. Zoolander, Dodgeball, Anchorman. So Dodgeball's not that bad. There's some less than great stuff right at the very end, but yeah. And there's one scene each in Zoolander and Anchorman that I hate, and they're scenes I've hated since the first time I saw those movies. But the fact is, I've watched those movies, I even have two of them, thus I'm just buying into it all too. But I'm trying to change. TV's starting to go out the window completely. I'm kind of into Lost now, but other than that the only show that's still going to be on this fall that I watched last year is Alias. Not that Alias doesn't have some very big problems with it too. At least it's not Desperate Housewives though. But we'll see what I end up doing with that. It's so hard. It's so frustrating. Everywhere I look there's more and more of crap that I absolutely can't stand. Crap that's being fed into society and growing and growing until it's permeated everyone and tainted everything. How can I fight it? So many times I've thought how much I want to just move into the mountains and forget all about that stuff. Mom says that that's probably not a very good way to go though. As Julie Andrews says in The Sound of Music, "You can't hide [run?] from your problems, you have to face them." I guess moving to the mountains wouldn't help anyone else. It wouldn't solve much of anything.
Isn't it incredibly depressing that spending a few hours with a group of Catholics can make me feel so upset about this stuff? I know I'm exaggerating everything, but right now it's how I feel. I know how I must come off. But you know what? I'm Catholic. I believe in what the church teaches, and when (if) there's something I come across that I disagree with, that's fine. Anyone can disagree all they want to. But disagree or not, as Catholics we're called to still obey what the church says. And yes. It's full of human beings, including the leaders of the church, and humans make mistakes. Catholic leaders have taught some pretty messed up things in the past. Those aren't the lasting teachings though. But positions that the church has held for all of its 2000 years of existence, I think it's pretty safe to assume that those are pretty solid. The church isn't going to "change to fit modern society." If it did that, what the heck would be the point of having it at all? We're supposed to adjust ourselves to fit the church, not the other way around. How can you be devoted to something that's constantly changing? Changing its practices, beliefs, teachings, etc. How is that possible? So many people take it so lightly. They don't think that just disregarding an important teaching by the church (they're all pretty important) is that big a deal. Especially if everyone's doing it. "Yeah I want to pursue a career. Screw that old fashioned theology against contraception. My career is more important than kids."
I know I'm probably coming off as a big a-hole. Completely closeminded, judgmental, religious zealot type person. I'm sorry. I just don't feel like hiding what I feel is true and right anymore, for the sake of not offending someone. It's not like I just suddenly up and decided all this stuff. I've been a Catholic for about 20 years now. I've had plenty of time to study it, to question things, to figure out how it all fits together. But when you understand it, oh how beautiful it all really is. Oh and just for the record, just because I'm very against certain things and very for certain others doesn't mean that if you don't agree with me I think you're a bad person. A big thing that a lot of people don't seem to realize, especially about Catholics (and lots of people are really bad at putting this into practice) is the love the sinner, hate the sin thing. I can rail aganist contraception all day long but if you're using it, that doesn't mean I can't still love and accept you as whatever you are to me just as much as if you don't. Well ok I'll admit, I have some trouble with this. But I still love the person. I guess sometimes it's just hard for me to see how someone can think the other way. I mean, I know how people can. I just...I don't get it. Or something like that. I'm not sure what I'm trying to say. Just...don't be put off by it. If I didn't converse with anyone who did this stuff, I'd have very few people left to talk to. Including myself. So, I guess just realize that there are very few things that I've ever been that passionate about. Very few things that could cause me to really argue with people. My Catholic faith happens to be one of those few. I identify myself as Catholic more than anything else. It's who I am. And i just hate to see it torn apart like it is today. If you don't like it, fine. If you don't want to hear about it, if you don't want to hear my feelings on this stuff, you'd best not be reading this anymore. I can't change who I am. I'm a Catholic girl, one who wants to get married and have kids more than any career, who could very well end up being one of those moms who always seems like they're pregnant (or not, that's all up to God), who wants more than anything to get the true teaching of the Catholic faith out there. That's what I want to do. When people ask me what I want to do after college or whatever, I've never felt comfortable saying 'Be a mom' because it just seems like such an anomaly for a girl to say that. Particularly one who's going to Notre Dame. Maybe it is a waste of money. Maybe I should reconsider that choice. But if being a mom isn't an acceptable answer, the only other thing I can think to say is teaching the catechism in some way. Of course, I even feel weird saying that. To anyone. I don't know why that is. It's so weird in this day and age it seems to not have plans for a career that include lots of prestige and money. It's not like we've ever been rich (but I know we're better off than many), so it's not like I need to be rich later on. I don't need one of those careers. What I need is to try to get people, especially Catholics who are, well more like the cafeteria Catholics (you've probably heard the term), to understand that these teachings of the faith are not created on some whim. They're deeply rooted in so much tradition, so many hours of studying and understanding God's will. They're all there for a reason. Not for anyone to pick and choose what he likes or doesn't like. That's not what it's about.
Ok sorry. I keep going on more than I want to. Maybe not Want to. But mean to. But you know what? I don't care. I doubt most people are going to read this whole thing anyway. So if all you read is this paragraph, let me sum up for you: I love Catholicism, and I'm determined to do whatever I can to promote its truth and beauty and wisdom.
Lately, being with my friends makes me just so...unfulfilled. Disappointed. I'm disappointed in so much. But it seems like for some reason I'm an easy target to make fun of. But it's like that everywhere. I'm the boring weird one who doesn't hope for some high paying high stakes career, who believes that contraception is wrong, who doesn't buy into the whole "I'm at college so I should experiment" idea, who wants to have as many kids as God wants, and as soon as He wants (not "I want to be married 5 years before I have kids"). And it's sad that these people, friends I met through church, are the ones making fun of me for those beliefs. I'm sure it's all in good fun. But still. Why am I the exception now? Why have kids become such a...setback in society? Why has sex become such an entertaining thing, something that draws practically everyone? Sex is important. No one's gonna argue that. At least I'm not. But sex has two purposes, and two purposes only, and you can't separate them. It doesn't work when you do. It becomes twisted and perverted when the two purposes are separated. Know what they are? Unitive and procreative. Sex is supposed to be something that a (married) couple experiences so that they can become one together, with God, to have a deeper and more meaningful relationship. And at the same time, sex is supposed to be to have kids. I mean, at its basic primal level, isn't that what it's for? Sex=offspring. That's how it's always worked. More or less. So many things get messed up when you separate these two purposes from each other. In today's society sex has become such a selfish thing. Sex is more for your own pleasure than anything else. No thought to other people's lives. Look at all the one night stands. All the people who have sex one night and then get their hearts broken when the next day their partner breaks up with them. Look at all the abortions. "I want to have sex because it feels good but I don't want to deal with the consequences. I don't want to have a baby."
Sorry. I am so very very annoyed right now. Complaining about this stuff like I am does make me feel a little like a hypocrite. I mean, some of my favorite movies are those that I'm kind of railing against right now. Zoolander, Dodgeball, Anchorman. So Dodgeball's not that bad. There's some less than great stuff right at the very end, but yeah. And there's one scene each in Zoolander and Anchorman that I hate, and they're scenes I've hated since the first time I saw those movies. But the fact is, I've watched those movies, I even have two of them, thus I'm just buying into it all too. But I'm trying to change. TV's starting to go out the window completely. I'm kind of into Lost now, but other than that the only show that's still going to be on this fall that I watched last year is Alias. Not that Alias doesn't have some very big problems with it too. At least it's not Desperate Housewives though. But we'll see what I end up doing with that. It's so hard. It's so frustrating. Everywhere I look there's more and more of crap that I absolutely can't stand. Crap that's being fed into society and growing and growing until it's permeated everyone and tainted everything. How can I fight it? So many times I've thought how much I want to just move into the mountains and forget all about that stuff. Mom says that that's probably not a very good way to go though. As Julie Andrews says in The Sound of Music, "You can't hide [run?] from your problems, you have to face them." I guess moving to the mountains wouldn't help anyone else. It wouldn't solve much of anything.
Isn't it incredibly depressing that spending a few hours with a group of Catholics can make me feel so upset about this stuff? I know I'm exaggerating everything, but right now it's how I feel. I know how I must come off. But you know what? I'm Catholic. I believe in what the church teaches, and when (if) there's something I come across that I disagree with, that's fine. Anyone can disagree all they want to. But disagree or not, as Catholics we're called to still obey what the church says. And yes. It's full of human beings, including the leaders of the church, and humans make mistakes. Catholic leaders have taught some pretty messed up things in the past. Those aren't the lasting teachings though. But positions that the church has held for all of its 2000 years of existence, I think it's pretty safe to assume that those are pretty solid. The church isn't going to "change to fit modern society." If it did that, what the heck would be the point of having it at all? We're supposed to adjust ourselves to fit the church, not the other way around. How can you be devoted to something that's constantly changing? Changing its practices, beliefs, teachings, etc. How is that possible? So many people take it so lightly. They don't think that just disregarding an important teaching by the church (they're all pretty important) is that big a deal. Especially if everyone's doing it. "Yeah I want to pursue a career. Screw that old fashioned theology against contraception. My career is more important than kids."
I know I'm probably coming off as a big a-hole. Completely closeminded, judgmental, religious zealot type person. I'm sorry. I just don't feel like hiding what I feel is true and right anymore, for the sake of not offending someone. It's not like I just suddenly up and decided all this stuff. I've been a Catholic for about 20 years now. I've had plenty of time to study it, to question things, to figure out how it all fits together. But when you understand it, oh how beautiful it all really is. Oh and just for the record, just because I'm very against certain things and very for certain others doesn't mean that if you don't agree with me I think you're a bad person. A big thing that a lot of people don't seem to realize, especially about Catholics (and lots of people are really bad at putting this into practice) is the love the sinner, hate the sin thing. I can rail aganist contraception all day long but if you're using it, that doesn't mean I can't still love and accept you as whatever you are to me just as much as if you don't. Well ok I'll admit, I have some trouble with this. But I still love the person. I guess sometimes it's just hard for me to see how someone can think the other way. I mean, I know how people can. I just...I don't get it. Or something like that. I'm not sure what I'm trying to say. Just...don't be put off by it. If I didn't converse with anyone who did this stuff, I'd have very few people left to talk to. Including myself. So, I guess just realize that there are very few things that I've ever been that passionate about. Very few things that could cause me to really argue with people. My Catholic faith happens to be one of those few. I identify myself as Catholic more than anything else. It's who I am. And i just hate to see it torn apart like it is today. If you don't like it, fine. If you don't want to hear about it, if you don't want to hear my feelings on this stuff, you'd best not be reading this anymore. I can't change who I am. I'm a Catholic girl, one who wants to get married and have kids more than any career, who could very well end up being one of those moms who always seems like they're pregnant (or not, that's all up to God), who wants more than anything to get the true teaching of the Catholic faith out there. That's what I want to do. When people ask me what I want to do after college or whatever, I've never felt comfortable saying 'Be a mom' because it just seems like such an anomaly for a girl to say that. Particularly one who's going to Notre Dame. Maybe it is a waste of money. Maybe I should reconsider that choice. But if being a mom isn't an acceptable answer, the only other thing I can think to say is teaching the catechism in some way. Of course, I even feel weird saying that. To anyone. I don't know why that is. It's so weird in this day and age it seems to not have plans for a career that include lots of prestige and money. It's not like we've ever been rich (but I know we're better off than many), so it's not like I need to be rich later on. I don't need one of those careers. What I need is to try to get people, especially Catholics who are, well more like the cafeteria Catholics (you've probably heard the term), to understand that these teachings of the faith are not created on some whim. They're deeply rooted in so much tradition, so many hours of studying and understanding God's will. They're all there for a reason. Not for anyone to pick and choose what he likes or doesn't like. That's not what it's about.
Ok sorry. I keep going on more than I want to. Maybe not Want to. But mean to. But you know what? I don't care. I doubt most people are going to read this whole thing anyway. So if all you read is this paragraph, let me sum up for you: I love Catholicism, and I'm determined to do whatever I can to promote its truth and beauty and wisdom.
Friday, June 10, 2005
It's all about the roommates...
If it weren't for the fact that me not going back to school meant screwing my roommates over, I think I'd do it without much hesitation. But unfortunately, me not going back would mean screwing them over a little bit. And that's not cool. But god, the thought of going back...I don't know if I can take it. I keep thinking of the pros and cons, and trying to figure out which way is what God wants. The tough choice to leave Notre Dame and endure all the stigmas that might go along with that, or the tough choice to stay at Notre Dame and be homesick again and unsatisfied and unhappy. I don't know how to figure out what God wants me to do. Why can't I figure it out? Why do I keep trying to justify everything? Why can't I just sit and let God tell me what to do? He very well could be trying, but I just keep innundating myself with other things and noises and distractions that I just can't hear. Sigh.
Thursday, June 09, 2005
Leaving sucks
I was thinking about it. Boy I don't know if I can handle leaving AGAIN. Every single time I do it, I hate it. I want to be an apologist. That's what I want to "do." Will I learn that at Notre Dame? I honestly don't know. Maybe it'll help me figure out how to be an apologist to those who seem hardest to get to, the "Catholics" who choose to disregard the faith and what we're called to do as Catholics. But...I don't know. And not only is it leaving again in August, there's still three more years of it. I know everyone keeps saying that maybe it just takes time, and it'll get easier the further on I go, but...did it get easier at any point this year? I really don't think so. Everything I need is here. My family, great friends, places that make me feel just SO happy to be Catholic, unlike any place or people at Notre Dame ever did. I've got the mountains, I've got so much here. I just don't know. I do know that I don't like thinking about having to leave again. That much is certain.
Tuesday, June 07, 2005
Boy do I have some issues
I went to that young adult retreat this weekend. It was in a word, amazing. It focused on the Eucharist, which is good for me because although I don't disbelieve that the bread and wine are the Body and Blood, I guess it's always been hard for me to really digest that and accept it all the way. But I think this weekend I finally got to the point where I could. And it's wonderful.
Unfortunately, it also led to me dealing with some issues I don't want to deal with. Specifically, school, and what I'm supposed to do with my life. I just got this incredibly strong feeling that maybe I shouldn't be at Notre Dame. But I don't know if it's something that's in me because whatever force is trying to make my life worse, or if it's really God and that he really doesn't want me to be there. And the other part of it is I don't know if it's just because now I'm home and I've been here for awhile and I'm just reminded again and again how much I absolutely am in love with this place, and how much I love my family and my friends and everything. I'm just remembering unhappy moments at Notre Dame. I was never really incredibly happy there. I was dissatisfied overall, in general. But again, I don't know if that's just because I'm too wrapped up in Colorado or because it's honestly not a good fit for me. And then there's the fact of if I left, what would I do? Where would I go? Could I be happy at a place like CSU or CU or anywhere? This weekend made me feel like I'm really being called to do something that will help me teach the truth and beauty of Catholicism. But I don't know where I can learn how to do that. I'm so unbelieveably confused right now. I just keep thinking, every time someone asks me how Notre Dame is, how I liked my first year, etc, and I always answer something like "it was good" or something else equally generic, I always feel like I'm lying. I mean, who drops out of Notre Dame for something way below it? I hate this. I really wanted to talk to Mom and Dad about this tonight, but we rented a movie and I just didn't know how to bring it up, before or after. I mean, if I'm this confused right now what am I going to say to them? I don't know what's wrong with me. Should I just dismiss this all because it's probably not real? Or because I'm lazy and maybe just don't want to work hard any more and that's why I want to be here instead? I just don't know. All I know is, last year I didn't fit into the whole college thing. I don't know why that would change next year. I guess I'm also worried people will think I couldn't hack it, or couldn't take it or something. That they'll think less of me. But I mean, obviously that's not very true, considering I did make Dean's List and had an A- average this past semester. I just don't know what to do.
And then there's the fact that I'm worried about my job. I start tomorrow, officially. I hate the thought. I want to be working somewhere where I'd have regular hours, and only weekdays. I don't want to work Sundays. I don't want to be as formal as it all seems at Dillards. I'm nervous. I'm sure it'll be better than I'm anticipating, but I'm nervous. I wish I could...I don't even know. I want to work with the church/diocese. That's what I really wish. Not selling dishware and towels to a bunch of rich people. (yeah I know not everyone who shops at dillards is rich. But seriously. Can you say way too expensive?) I just wish things were different.
I want to stay here. I want to stay in at least Colorado. Meet people who live in Colorado. Know that I won't have to say goodbye for who knows how long in a few years. And yes, that includes guys. At the retreat this weekend, there were a few guys who I'm not gonna deny caught my attention. Of course, they were all out of college already, and thus I felt like some little immature girl. But the point is, I want to get more involved in young adult groups and actually feel like I can be a part of it for more than just a few months. I just don't know what to do.
A few clear signs from God would be incredibly nice right about now...
Unfortunately, it also led to me dealing with some issues I don't want to deal with. Specifically, school, and what I'm supposed to do with my life. I just got this incredibly strong feeling that maybe I shouldn't be at Notre Dame. But I don't know if it's something that's in me because whatever force is trying to make my life worse, or if it's really God and that he really doesn't want me to be there. And the other part of it is I don't know if it's just because now I'm home and I've been here for awhile and I'm just reminded again and again how much I absolutely am in love with this place, and how much I love my family and my friends and everything. I'm just remembering unhappy moments at Notre Dame. I was never really incredibly happy there. I was dissatisfied overall, in general. But again, I don't know if that's just because I'm too wrapped up in Colorado or because it's honestly not a good fit for me. And then there's the fact of if I left, what would I do? Where would I go? Could I be happy at a place like CSU or CU or anywhere? This weekend made me feel like I'm really being called to do something that will help me teach the truth and beauty of Catholicism. But I don't know where I can learn how to do that. I'm so unbelieveably confused right now. I just keep thinking, every time someone asks me how Notre Dame is, how I liked my first year, etc, and I always answer something like "it was good" or something else equally generic, I always feel like I'm lying. I mean, who drops out of Notre Dame for something way below it? I hate this. I really wanted to talk to Mom and Dad about this tonight, but we rented a movie and I just didn't know how to bring it up, before or after. I mean, if I'm this confused right now what am I going to say to them? I don't know what's wrong with me. Should I just dismiss this all because it's probably not real? Or because I'm lazy and maybe just don't want to work hard any more and that's why I want to be here instead? I just don't know. All I know is, last year I didn't fit into the whole college thing. I don't know why that would change next year. I guess I'm also worried people will think I couldn't hack it, or couldn't take it or something. That they'll think less of me. But I mean, obviously that's not very true, considering I did make Dean's List and had an A- average this past semester. I just don't know what to do.
And then there's the fact that I'm worried about my job. I start tomorrow, officially. I hate the thought. I want to be working somewhere where I'd have regular hours, and only weekdays. I don't want to work Sundays. I don't want to be as formal as it all seems at Dillards. I'm nervous. I'm sure it'll be better than I'm anticipating, but I'm nervous. I wish I could...I don't even know. I want to work with the church/diocese. That's what I really wish. Not selling dishware and towels to a bunch of rich people. (yeah I know not everyone who shops at dillards is rich. But seriously. Can you say way too expensive?) I just wish things were different.
I want to stay here. I want to stay in at least Colorado. Meet people who live in Colorado. Know that I won't have to say goodbye for who knows how long in a few years. And yes, that includes guys. At the retreat this weekend, there were a few guys who I'm not gonna deny caught my attention. Of course, they were all out of college already, and thus I felt like some little immature girl. But the point is, I want to get more involved in young adult groups and actually feel like I can be a part of it for more than just a few months. I just don't know what to do.
A few clear signs from God would be incredibly nice right about now...
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